0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49as it's like watching telly with your friends,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51but you don't have to Hoover or buy crisps.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and we watched the effects they had on them.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I don't do drugs and I don't really drink,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03so sometimes if I want to mix things up,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold +1.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I tell you, it properly fucks you up!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Is it now? Is it then?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Cash In The Attic deserved some spin-offs, didn't it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Tom Selleck as the new lodger...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27'Tache In The Attic.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Do you want to see our new toilet?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Slash In The Attic.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I've been having rough sex with the new lodger.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Rash In The Attic.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Now, let's talk about medical shows.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49I love One Born Every Minute,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51the documentary set in a maternity ward.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I don't know if I could watch 60 pixellated noonies one after the other.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Mine doesn't look like that. Hers is all squared off.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09My pain threshold is very low.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12At my second ever smear test - oh, yes, we're going there...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17..I was pretty tense.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"You'll have to relax, love,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"cos if you don't, you're going to be taking it home."
0:02:36 > 0:02:40One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme, understandably.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45But they could encourage more men to watch by having an honest male voiceover.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Something like... "Tracey is making a fuss."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Tracey is crying...again."
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"Tracey should remember whose idea this was in the first place."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06My favourite medical show, and I know it's yours too,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07is Embarrassing Bodies.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And it's such a helpful show, because a lot of people are nervous about going to the doctor.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14A male friend of mine won't go to the doctor
0:03:14 > 0:03:16in case he's asked how much he masturbates.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"And how often do you masturbate?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"Um...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"How often is normal?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"How often do you think is normal?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"21 units a week?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"That's drinking."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Five times a day?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"That's fruit."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58How often do you masturbate?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Um...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16About 21 units?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Good answer.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I love Embarrassing Bodies Live From The Clinic,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23where people Skype in with their ailments.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It's like Chat Roulette with cocks.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29So it's like Chat Roulette.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I love on the live shows when one of the doctors
0:04:34 > 0:04:36is talking to a patient via Skype and says,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"OK, Brian, can we take a look?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And the bloke stands up, turns round and bends over.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"OK, Brian. Thanks."
0:04:44 > 0:04:45"Brian!"
0:04:47 > 0:04:48"Brian?"
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Brian, we've seen it, love."
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Sit down again, Brian."
0:04:54 > 0:04:55"Brian."
0:04:55 > 0:04:57"No, don't part them!"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04What happens if you want to be on but you haven't got a laptop?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Are people going to the library to do it?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12In the background, there's a woman just putting books away.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Now, you know this. How do you get blood out of your clothes?
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Is it the same as red wine - do you have to splash on a white bodily fluid?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31A couple of people going, "I've tried that - it doesn't work."
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"You just end up with a helluva mess on your carpet."
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Have you ever said to a patient,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"What the fuck is that?!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Have you ever seen something that made you jump onto a chair?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I didn't quite jump on the chair, but sometimes smells are the things that really get you.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You've been almost everywhere around the world, haven't you?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Can you show me on this globe...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08where you've had the shits?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14You can see, because it's not been cleaned off...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And you thought that was the Sahara Desert!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Does eating crusts make your hair curly?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31My mum said so, but no - not true.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- So all of our mams are liars? - All of them!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Is it true that you feed a cold and feed a fever?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, that's nonsense.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Doesn't make any difference. Just eat healthily is the message.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Cos I just eat loads whatever.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- So eat healthily?- Eat healthily.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Can I eat loads of healthy things like...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58you know, biscuits with raisins in?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- It's one of your five a day. It's fine by me.- Really?- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Shut up!- It is!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Garibaldis are one of your five a day?!
0:07:07 > 0:07:08A handful of raisins is one,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11so enough Garibaldis...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Garibaldis is one of your five a day?!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'm sure I'll now get a complaint letter for saying that.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Not from me, you won't.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24In case you haven't guessed, I'm not really a medical expert.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I have dressed up as a nurse a couple of times.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I wore 70 denier tights and washed his arse with a cloth.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I could never see what men find so sexy about it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Nurse, a patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Oh, I'm going in for CPR.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53# Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
0:07:53 > 0:07:54# And said goodbye to the circus... #
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Join in if you know it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59# Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump! #
0:07:59 > 0:08:00LONG BEEP
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Oh!- We're losing him.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Right, give me the diff...diff...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07The jump-starty thing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09DEFIBRILLATOR WHINES
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Clear!
0:08:11 > 0:08:12BEEPS
0:08:17 > 0:08:18No...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Work with us, flower.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Have you not seen the telly ever?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time. Is that all right?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28We'll get you in order. It'll be champion, love.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30OK, right. OK.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Clear!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Clear!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35BEEPS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Thank you!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44DEFIBRILLATOR WHINES
0:08:44 > 0:08:45THUD!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Excuse me! Where do you think you're going with that?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58This is bloody brilliant - I'm taking it home!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Now, I tell you what I like on telly.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Maybe it's because I'm round a lot during the day,
0:09:06 > 0:09:07but I love quiz shows.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Although I'm not very good at them!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I used to hate Countdown because it made me feel thick.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I like it now.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I'm much better at it now.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Ever since you can pause the telly.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Games you play at home are often turned into telly - like Charades
0:09:30 > 0:09:32became Give Us A Clue.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But there is one game that's not on the telly, but should be.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37The Great Big Family Row.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42What are they playing for? A share of Nana's house.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years, fronted numerous hit programmes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56So what I really want to know from you is...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59how do you get your beard looking so neat?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Is it a spray-on?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06How do you keep it so tidy - do you get a woman in?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes, you do!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I don't shave or wax!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24This is brilliant!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Your beard is very tidy. How often do you trim it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer for me bikini line.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35NOEL GIGGLES
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Do you do it every day?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Because I do mine about once a week.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43First thing in the morning...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Just before I have to start tucking it in me socks.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I do.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So, Richard, I read somewhere
0:10:55 > 0:10:57that you'd filled Anne Robinson's old slot.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04CHEERING
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'll be honest - it took me and Xander both to do that.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Did any rude words appear while you were host?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It wasn't just the contestants.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Sometimes you had people in Dictionary Corner as well
0:11:21 > 0:11:23who were mischievous.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Gino D'Acampo.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29The celebrity chef. He is a naughty man.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31So I crossed to him and I said,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"OK, Gino, what have you got in Dictionary Corner?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He said, "Jeff, I've got a six."
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I said, "What's your six, then?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:39He said, "minger".
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I said, "Gino, you cannot have minger."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He said, "OK, Jeff, I've got a five."
0:11:46 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:52What's the stupidest answer anyone's ever given?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56We had one the other day. We had words ending "ZZ".
0:11:56 > 0:12:00And on the first podium, the contestant was a student.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And he just immediately went,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04"Jizz".
0:12:11 > 0:12:12That's brilliant!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18And was it pointless?
0:12:18 > 0:12:23It was pointless. In the dictionary, it doesn't mean what you might imagine it means.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It means what an animal looks like
0:12:26 > 0:12:28when you catch it out of the corner of your eye -
0:12:28 > 0:12:30the jizz of an animal.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36The jizz of an animal in my head is something quite different.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38And all of theirs!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Yes, but you understand, a rabbit's jizz is very different to...
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Come on!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48A rabbit's jizz is very different to a cat's jizz, for example.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This is the longest conversation I've had about jizz ever,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56and I'm loving it!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Sarah, everybody here knows that's not true.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops saying
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Deal!" at you all the time?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I never get annoyed, because I had ten years of bloody Blobby!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Breath of fresh air when people start talking about "Deal"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31That's still Blobby, right? It's not your wife, is it?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Yellow card!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Question two.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44We asked 100 people to name a good place to touch a lady.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Oh, dear!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Is this a good question for you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Is this a category you were hoping would come up?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59It is a good category for me, except you've only asked yourself.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02So now I have to try and get inside you, if you like.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Because I can see it, let's say the nape of your neck.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20No, Richard, the vagina,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22because everywhere else is pointless!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Of course, of course.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I've been wearing glasses since I was six, so for 30 years.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37At my last check-up, the optician said my eyesight is improving.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You think I'd be thrilled, but I was gutted.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43There's a reason your eyesight is supposed to get worse as you get older.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47It's so you can't see the full deterioration of your face.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51You know when you see an old lady with a full 'tache
0:14:51 > 0:14:53and you think she's just given up?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55She's hasn't. She's blind as a bat.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58She's looked in the mirror that morning and gone, "Champion!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Deirdre Barlow has been in Coronation Street so long
0:15:06 > 0:15:09her glasses have come back into fashion twice.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12No, they really haven't.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23These are what I wore when I was 16.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I don't do many impressions, but that one's pretty good, isn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I've had a few bad experiences in fitting rooms.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I once had to get cut out of a dress in Monsoon.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47That's never a good day.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51The woman said, "Stop crying. I'm going to get some scissors."
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Whenever I hear on the news, "Monsoon kills seven..."
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I took some clothes into a fitting room in Marks & Spencer a few months ago,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and the woman took me to the cubicle and she gave me the tag
0:16:12 > 0:16:14and she said,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"Just give me a shout if you need any bigger sizes".
0:16:21 > 0:16:23So I swished the curtain back really fast and said,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"I think you'll find you mean 'different', you bitch!"
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You've played a right posho and a homeless bloke.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Which of these looks are you going for tonight?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Now, you're in quite good condition, aren't you?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I beg your pardon?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56You're in quite good condition, and I think if we cleaned you up a bit and scraped you down,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59then you'd be quite collectable.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Well, there's a degree of restoration that could be done, that's true.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Do you still have your original drawers?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They're all impeccably lined, I can promise you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Isn't he good?!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19How often do you polish your tallboy?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Now, how would you tend to my lady garden?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Describe it to me. Is it unruly or is it beautifully manicured?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36It's, um...
0:17:40 > 0:17:41It needs a bit of work.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Um...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46and it might be a two-man job.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- You were also in Notting Hill.- Yes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53What was Julia Roberts like?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- She always seems lovely. Is she lovely?- She's really lovely.
0:17:56 > 0:18:02She's good fun. I was certainly terrified of meeting her, this great iconic film star,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06but, you know, you just remember that they wear pants - some bigger than others - whatever.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I didn't mean...!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I didn't mean...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Now, is it true you only ate potatoes
0:18:18 > 0:18:21so that you could get a six-pack?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22That was a diet that you did - is that true?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Sweet potatoes.- Oh!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Shit.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Did you try it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Just chips every day.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38To be honest, it wasn't much of a change from what I was doing before.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Has your wife ever imposed a hosepipe ban?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- You appeared in a TV movie called Once Upon A Mattress.- I did.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Was it a porno?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Was the full title Once Upon A Mattress And Twice Against A Wall?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11My darling creature!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Tell me...tell me you'll let me know again those embracing arms,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17those tumbling tresses.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Tell me, Sarah, you will!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Go on, now! Go!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Walk out the door!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Turn around now,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31because you're not welcome any more.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35My darling, this is so unlike you!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You bastard!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Reality Shows like Strictly and X Factor
0:19:46 > 0:19:48are always described as "emotional rollercoasters".
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I always thought an emotional rollercoaster
0:19:50 > 0:19:53was when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, no, you go on.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'll hold your bag.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09For me, the X Factor is more like the log flume,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12because thanks to Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24who would you put through and who would you send home if you were on the other side of...?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26How mean is that?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I totally went there. Shut your face!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths
0:20:35 > 0:20:37and we just tried to play to that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39And there was some great singers in the band.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others
0:20:41 > 0:20:43and some were better dancers than others
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and, you know, a band needs all of that.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49With the Spice Girls, what made us so successful was our chemistry
0:20:49 > 0:20:50and our energy.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We'll add that in later on.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Just ask me a question and take one of the names
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and then add it in!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's all edited. It's fine.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Now, one of my favourite shows of yours is Don't Forget The Lyrics.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You do a lot of singing in that.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Thank you.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- You've done a lot of singing in your whole life. Have you ever forgotten the lyrics?- Yeah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The one that springs to mind...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I spent a long time in a musical, Grease, in the West End
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and also in Manchester, back in the '90s,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29and I'd done the show so many times - two shows a day for three and a half years.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And the big song in the show is Sandy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36And I remember sitting in front of 3,000 people
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and the band started playing, and it was going...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Stranded at the drive-in
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# Branded a fool
0:21:43 > 0:21:46# What will they say
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# Monday at school? #
0:21:49 > 0:21:52And all I could think of was,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"What the fuck is this girl's name?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I had to sing...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# Uh-hum-hum...
0:22:04 > 0:22:05# Can't you see?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07# I'm in misery... #
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar
0:22:14 > 0:22:16with Andrew Lloyd Webber. On a scale of 1 to 10,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18how creepy is he in person?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I have to say about Andrew,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I think he's probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30But he's a genius.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I need to press you for a number.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Zero. He's not creepy - he's lovely.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and then we'll just cut one in.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Geri Halliwell. Seven.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49CHEERING
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I love that you've just accidentally told us which one you'd have sent home!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03It wasn't really Geri!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Dance shows are popular at the moment. There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14And if it's a family party, you'd better bloody dance.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I'm not looking like a tit on me own.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Admiring a celebrity dancing whilst crying.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29SHE HOWLS
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I'm going to pitch that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night anyway if we go out.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"Look at that dress!"
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"Those jeans on those thighs..."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49"If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps."
0:23:59 > 0:24:02These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04There's singing, there's tears,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06there's dancing and flirting.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09All you need is to get fingered in a car park and job done.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Who was the worst dancer you've ever had?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Er...I think that was Quentin Willson.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And what about on the show?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Ann Widdecombe. Although she did manage to polish the floor.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44The old erection section.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Is that the erection one?- Yeah, because it's all about sex.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51It's basically like having sex.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54That's not how I do it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58So what do you do? You don't rub against somebody else?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Just lie there for a bit.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Waiting for it to happen!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Yeah, and then just put me nightie down.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Right, who's next?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:24What's your name, love?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Sarah.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yeah, it has. Two buses and then it was a walk.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Sarah, do you think you can win this?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41In your own time, pet.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49MUSIC: "Apache" by The Shadows
0:26:42 > 0:26:47That was the worst sexy geranium I have ever seen!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Dreadful!- Oh! Enough is enough.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54You know nothing!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55I'm going to be HUGE!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm going to have a No 1 record!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Of...shadows...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01So a rabbit to you and a rabbit to you!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- Actually, not you. You look lovely today.- Aww, thank you!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06That's so nice!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Actually...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13AUDIENCE BOOS
0:27:17 > 0:27:21That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about Bondi Vet.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It sounds glamorous, but if you've got your finger up a dog's arse,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27it doesn't matter if you're wearing shorts or not.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31The Kardashians - look what a sex tape can do for your career.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I made a sex tape once,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35but it was just audio.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39It was just me on me own, eating a peach.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about the Christmas cooking shows,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54like Jamie's Festive 15-Minute Meals,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57followed by Jamie's 60-Minute Boxing Day Dump.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Good!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Or snooker. It's extremely boring.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Though it does liven up slightly
0:28:11 > 0:28:13when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Good night!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# Walkin' about with a head full of music
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Stereo
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Out on the streets, you know
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Whoa whoa whoa
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Into the car, go to work And I'm cruisin'
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# I never think that I'll blow all my fuses
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Traffic flows
0:28:36 > 0:28:38# Into the breakfast show
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Whoa whoa whoa
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# Whoa whoa whoa
0:28:45 > 0:28:50# Power from the needle to the plastic
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# AM, FM
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# I feel so ecstatic
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# Now
0:28:57 > 0:28:59# It's music I've found
0:28:59 > 0:29:02# And I'm wired for sound
0:29:05 > 0:29:06# I'm a small boy
0:29:06 > 0:29:09# Who don't like his toys
0:29:09 > 0:29:12# I could not wait to get
0:29:12 > 0:29:15# Wired for sound. #
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd