0:00:02 > 0:00:05Of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for?
0:00:05 > 0:00:06I left it on the kitchen table.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Oh right. My bad, as they say.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18There's no happiness without order.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20It's a Nazi quote but it stands the test of time.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23When is Peter getting in? That nurse is becoming a bit of a running sore
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- which is ironic. - Tickle? Mr Tickle?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- Mr Tickel.- He's not still in his fucking tent is he?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I know we only have one anniversary a year.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33There's a clue in the name, I did do classics.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I'm not being chippy, it's a fact.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37- I'm saying Tickel.- Tickle.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40It undermines him. If we say Tickle it makes him look stupid.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I was at school with a guy called Timothy Burr. Either change school
0:00:43 > 0:00:46or change your name, but don't get your mum to ring my mum and complain
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- about the lumberjack jokes. - Why was she complaining? - Err... Timothy Burr, Tim Burr.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I can't leave before my coalition partner.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Fergus, I told you.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I hate to ask but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Yeah, somewhat.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Silicon Playgrounds are... is go.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I just hope Mannion keeps his baccy stained fingers out of it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Don't worry about Mannion.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12He's allergic to the 21st century.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I think I'd better end this call now in case I get a brain tumour.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Precisely. I'd lose all my lovely thick hair. Can't wait for later.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26What?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Yes. The whole protest is really taking off.- It's a sensible policy.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32If we sell off NHS key worker housing,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36we can pay off the PFI debts. We haven't made him live in a tent, just sold his house.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38The cold winter will finish him off. He's like bindweed.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Well, you know I can be romantic.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Haven't we... Oh, piss. Christ, I've been spotted.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Peter. Can we talk Tickle?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I'd love to, but I think Fergus was asking for you,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52something about Silicon?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54OK, well. Tickle you later.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Oh, she just made eyes at me.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00God, I wish I could make redundancy at her.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04OK, so we've got 30 of these bigger phones,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- another 50 of those, these will stay outside dotted around.- Morning!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Big day for the reception class. Well done you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Ah. Oh, I'm not sure "App-ortunity" works.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Yes it does.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16It combines app and opportunity.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17(Yes, I know that.)
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Just looks like a team name from The Apprentice.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24As you can see, Terri, I'm noting down every one of your comments.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Excuse me,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29you asked to see me for the launch of Silicon Playgrounds, no?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I have never asked to see you.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Terri, don't worry about us. Go and help Malfoy and his dad.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Thanks, Ridgley.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37I don't get it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Andrew Ridgley, Wham. Hitched A Ride?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Oh, contemporary reference. Yeah. Yeah, very up to date.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- Bit like your hair. What is it you ask for?- The Disney Prince?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- What do you ask for?- Err... The...wanker?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Brilliant.- Oh, forgot to tell you, sorry. Stewart's popping in.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Fuck me. What's the Last Airbender want?- He needs the... Excuse me!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, Jesus, this came through yesterday.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Yes, well, it came at 6:05.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I turn off all my work devices at six.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03After that, it's me, the Kindle and Jodi Picoult.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Silicone Playgrounds project cleared for uplaunch.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Boom!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Hello, century 21.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10We get kids to create apps in schools,
0:03:10 > 0:03:15we pay them a digital dividend, we foster a new generation of entrepreneurs.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Sounds like that third Tron film no one's waiting for. We'd better tell Peter.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, we could celebrate it at another time.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oh, sorry darling I've got to go.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I think the bailiffs are here take my will to live.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Fergus, my coalition colleague stroke junior, big day for you.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Every day is a big day for me,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39that's why I get here an hour before you.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm afraid the human snowman is coming in...now.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Stewart! Great.- Ah, if it isn't Raffles the gentleman MP.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Why are you coming in together? Something we should know about?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53We were married in Vegas, didn't you know? We're really happy.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54OK, everyone. Meeting room, now.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Terri, could you get someone to bring me some chai?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'm parched as a cuttlefish.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Oh for fuck's sake.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05OK, folks. Today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10is Emma and I broke the fast this AM with the PM.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative
0:04:13 > 0:04:17is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- It is a double double win. - A double win for both babies of the coalition.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Absolutely.- It's win squared. - Terrific.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26What, shall we do a Mexican wave around the table?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30From my POV, re all this, big hurrah, we're ready to upload,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32ie, let's launch the fucker.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'm registering your energy Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oooh... All my gallstones have come at once.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Are you fucking serious? What is wrong with you people?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Peter can't even right click a fucking mouse.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50He can. It's track pads he has a problem with.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52No, you come in here, like, Dr Robotnik,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53and say "Oh, I'm sorry."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- I think we can, you see...- We can.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Coalition's like a band. Every band has a front man.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- He's Florence and you're... The Machine.- The Machine.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Ha ha ha.- Was that a joke or...? - Yeah, no, I was on the phone.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E, everything all right?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18No. Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- PM's orders.- What?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24This is fourth sector, right?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And I am the fourth sector guru.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Me and the Inbetweeners.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31The what? The what? Sorry?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You know that's what we call you.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36We did all the work on this, us. We're a team, we did it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38And now you say we're playing a new game,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I don't think so. This is bollocks, Stewart.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Come on, calm down. - Just a second.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Just leave it, leave it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48He's going to have a heart attack, look at him.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Will we cope? Can we even carry on?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56The top line, folks, is this. It's about coalition, remember.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59This is not about coalition,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02this is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06You're a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Don't bitch cos we don't let you carve the turkey.- Let me say it simply for you, Stewart.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I don't understand the Networked Nation
0:06:13 > 0:06:16and the Silicon fucking Playground,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19gigabits, people watching television on telephones.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25There you go.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Peter, the Networked Nation is about harnessing
0:06:27 > 0:06:30the interconnectivity of everyone in society.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's a new way of thinking.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37ergo a healthy network.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39What's so complicated about that?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- All the words you just used. - Oh, Christ.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Here comes Dennis Norden. - Oh, he brought his laughter file.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I don't know if this is any use,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50but it might give you some idea of the scale of the problem.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Look, I think we're about done here, yeah?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53OK, let's wrap this up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Am I in some kind of ghost story? I've been hit by a bus
0:06:56 > 0:06:57and no-one can see me any more?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Everyone's really loving your energy.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Why don't you pilot the staff cuts?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Let Peter go down to the school,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06bounce some ideas off the wall, see if the kids like the echo.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08So, Peter gets to announce Silicon Playgrounds,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I get the elephants' graveyard.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I could terminate some of the staff here using combat techniques.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Where are we actually on staff cuts? Is there a shortlist at all?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Phil has a staff cuts dossier with maps and charts and everything.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I saw a guy out there who takes three shits an hour. That's not biologically possible.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Well, that's Graham. He has Crohn's disease.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I have a very short concise brief on Silicon. I can just email it to you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Put it on a piece of paper and I'll read it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37One piece, we don't need that.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Glenn, you look like a week-old party balloon.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yeah, don't worry about me, Terri, I'm fine.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48I just don't want you ending up as one of those, "Before he turned the gun on himself," kind of guys.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52That isn't going to happen, Terri, because I don't even possess a gun.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Is that all that's stopping you, lack of resources?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Ah, Peter, I'm expecting great things.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Then you're an idiot. - Laters, legislators.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I'm going to put the old tea cauldron on. Anybody fancy a brew?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Risk of sounding like your mum. Time for school.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- You need to get to this meeting. - I hate school children.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17They're volatile and stupid and haven't got the vote.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23The school's only ten minutes from your house. Pop round for a late lunch.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-soup."
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Err... what about sexy undergarments?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34No.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Perfume. What perfume does she wear?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43I do really need a comment on this Tickel protest, please.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44OK.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48"As we enter the third week, I find Mr Tickle's attention seeking,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52"tent-based twattery even more annoying than in weeks one and two."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- I can't actually say that.- Really?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00All right. I'll channel you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Channel me?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05She's really quite predatory, isn't she?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Who? Terri's Clockwork Orange? That's what I call her.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- For the other lady in your life. - Where did you get that?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- It was in my desk. I was saving it for something special. - Like losing your virginity?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- I've done that in style, actually. If my penis could talk. - It would say, "I'm lonely!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"Where is everyone? Let me out of this coffin!"
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Two years ago I was a fucking guru.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I give two fingers to Nick and what happens?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Lo and behold, a party with principles comes crawling
0:09:29 > 0:09:32and begging for me, and then what do they do with their principles?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Shove them on the compost heap and join the upper class-holes
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- I've spent my career trying to keep out.- Glenn, I need your help.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I want out. I want a redundancy package.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Could you just bump my name up the exit list?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I mean, just put in a bad word for me?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Yeah, sure, Terri.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Consider yourself redundant, we all do.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Sorry to interrupt. Can I have a word?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Sure, kettle's just boiled. - I meant Terri.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58(Sorry, Glenn.)
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Just to keep you up to speed, Terri,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05we're going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds
0:10:05 > 0:10:07tonight at the Learning Centre at 7:00pm.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- All right?- And we just need you to pop a press pack in the
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Sorry, I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before six
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it?- Terri, we don't need clearance.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking government.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I'm sorry but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Was Terri in the meeting earlier?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Yeah, she was Fergus. I know she was there
0:10:32 > 0:10:34because I heard her humming the theme to Call The Midwife.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's about the only thing he has been clear about.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41The policy has been agreed.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44This is just an additional publicity push.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive
0:10:47 > 0:10:50but I cannot and I will not do as you ask.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Well, you can't stop me, Terri, OK? You cannot win, Nurse Ratched,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56because this is my moment.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Now, you like musicals. Well, this is Tonight from West Side Story,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03And I am going to bring the bloody house down
0:11:03 > 0:11:05so you can't rain on my parade, funny girl!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Why don't you go and have a lie down and a Hob Nob
0:11:07 > 0:11:10while we run the fucking country, all right?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Anything else?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16No, don't think so.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Thank you, Minister.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Did you see me being deliberately less professional than usual?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You'll be gone by midday.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Yes!- Thank God.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I don't understand,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35what's the difference between upload and download?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Er, well you download porn although you could upload porn
0:11:38 > 0:11:41but you'd have to, you have to make some porn first.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- Does it have to be porn? Is it compulsory?- Look, please, guys, can you stop saying porn?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Did you say porn?- Porn?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50What's he doing? Projecting it onto the building?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Is he on top of everything?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Mentioning pornography's a definite no-no.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh, really(?) OK, so maybe I'll tell him
0:11:56 > 0:11:59not to big up any jihad sites either or give out the PM's email address?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern
0:12:02 > 0:12:05but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- 'Thanks, Terri, that's very helpful, bye.'- Does he understand the...?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh, she's hung up. Ever the charmless minor royal.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13And I keep a straight face, do I,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17when I say to a room full of frog spawn, "Upload your future?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That sounds great. No pronunciation traps.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22You know what happened to the Chancellor at the Brits.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Tinny Tempah. - It could have been worse,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I heard he opened his stag do speech with "Ma niggaz."
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Oh, I can't get my head round this whole digital dividend element.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Kids design apps, whatever the hell they are.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Don't say, "What are apps?"
0:12:36 > 0:12:39He knows what an app is. That Ocado thing I put on your iPhone's an app.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42And the On This Day in Jazz History thing I gifted you. You love that.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45The best thing is you just stick with that. "I call app Britain."
0:12:45 > 0:12:46"I call up Britain."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- "I call app Britain."- App. - "I call app Britain."
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"I call app Britain."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Is there some whistle Fergus blows that only you can hear?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It's called being wanted, Terri.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Right, he can go for a start.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06He makes more noise breathing than he does fucking talking.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09What the fuck does a Statistical Procurement Officer do anyway?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Fuck all. Same as the rest of them.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Speaking of which, Glenn.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Always on the horizon like a fucking Antony Gormley statue.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Arms outstretched covered in rust. Just let it go to voicemail.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22No, his messages are always so long and pleading. Hi, Glenn?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Where have you two gone?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26We thought we'd go through the redundancies
0:13:26 > 0:13:28away from the dead-eyed stare of the zombie army.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ah, good thinking, yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Look, I could help prioritise that kill list, you know?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36There are some people who want out. Terri for instance.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38'Oh, that's no problem, Mannion fucking hates her.'
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's one of the few things that brings us together.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Is that a fruit machine I hear?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44'Are, are you in the local?'
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Erm, no.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Yes.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Right, OK, I'll be with you in ten.- Walkies.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55And erm, Ferg, mine's a G and a slimline T, OK?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57See you in a mo.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America
0:14:00 > 0:14:04when we have so many net-savvy tech heads here?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06They may have the silicon chip,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09but, er, we have the silicon chap.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13And of course, chap-esses. Er, er,
0:14:13 > 0:14:18and we want you to design game apps for use in the classroom.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Sorry to interrupt, erm, it's not game apps,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24we're actually looking for educational apps.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Erm, of, of course.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30That's...that's why I'm here to say, I call you up, app,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I...I call app Britain.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yes. And...and everyone will benefit.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Not...not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45All profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend. Which...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I would be working for free?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54What...what I wanted to...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Sorry, why can't you just answer him now?- Charlotte.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59The other lady was allowed to interrupt.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Yes, but...but she's my lady.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:08What...what...what...what... what was your question again?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Why won't we profit from this?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Oh, but you would. Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- What, what's your name?- Rajesh.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'm sorry?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Rajesh, Raj.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well, erm...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Rajesh Raj, erm...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24GIGGLING
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Right.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Well, erm, what I...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34what I wanted to say is that you would erm...er...profit,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36err, that any profits you made
0:15:36 > 0:15:40would be, erm, offset against tuition fees...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Well, err, what's...?- Charlotte.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48That's an easier one.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I make apps, I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Good for you, Ra... erm, good for you,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59but, but, but with us,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04you let us license it as part of the networked nation policy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- We all put in, you see...- What do you put in to the networked nation?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Well, erm...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I am...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15a minister.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17But what do you actually do?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I, er...take the...the...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27..science that, that you made earlier and I...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32..apply it in...
0:16:33 > 0:16:37..scenarios that are...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39cost effective.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Well, at least I got "I call app Britain," right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Hooray! You got the title right. Let's get the driver
0:16:47 > 0:16:51to do some victory doughnuts. You're going to have to issue an apology.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I'm not going back there and saying, "Oh, that moment when I mistook
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"an abbreviation of your name for your surname, sorry."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I'll look completely mental.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You have to apologise for the follow up as well.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05"Charlotte, that's an easier name."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08But it is! That's a fact, not a judgement!
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Great, Stewart. Stewart, hello. - 'Can I speak to Peter, please?'
0:17:12 > 0:17:13I wish your friend had an app
0:17:13 > 0:17:16that would deliver Stewart a dead cat in a box. Stewart.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Congratulations, Peter.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Silicon Playgrounds has now been dubbed Mannion's Workhouse Web.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, it's not my fault if they misinterpreted something
0:17:25 > 0:17:27that I said I never understood.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Oh for fuck's... I literally can't believe this man.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Is he trying to get sacked?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36What he's done is close to resting his cock on his boss's wife's shoulder.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- So, who's going to be Santa Claus, eh?- What?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Who's getting the sack? - Oh, for fu...!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- I need to get back to DoSAC. - I was looking forward to my G&T.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Why don't you stay here and creep out the barmaid?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Use your unplucked flower line.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Peter Mannion just got the name wrong, that's...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Well, names are very difficult.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Sometimes people spell Terri with a Y not an I but I don't complain.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Yes, all right I do complain but...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Coverley comms.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Heads up, OK, just keep moving. - Minister, can we get a comment
0:18:03 > 0:18:06on the secretary's speech this morning?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Is it true you're planning for young children to work
0:18:08 > 0:18:09designing apps for free?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I understand the...the Secretary of State made...made a speech.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Obviously I...I haven't seen that speech.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18He said profits would be offset against tuition fees
0:18:18 > 0:18:21which implies pupils will be working for their education.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Let me be very clear the digital dividend element of this scheme
0:18:24 > 0:18:27is optional. If they prefer pupils can be paid in cash.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30So this isn't about turning schools into workhouses then?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Erm, no. Maybe Peter did come across as more of a...
0:18:33 > 0:18:38fibre-optic Fagin than he might have intended. Thank you.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40REPORTERS SHOUT
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Minister, other way, other way, other way, other way.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Erm, it's...it's my 30th anniversary
0:18:51 > 0:18:54and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch
0:18:54 > 0:18:57which is literally round the corner
0:18:57 > 0:19:00and I'll be staying late to make up for it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I...I...I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Pupils will receive
0:19:09 > 0:19:12a digital dividend towards their higher education fees.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15The dividend is optional, though. You can get cash instead?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- No, you can't. I'm sorry. - We're quoting your junior minister.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- I see.- Minister, do you think you came across this morning
0:19:21 > 0:19:22as a fibre-optic Fagin?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25That's a ridiculous phrase.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Well, that again is a quote from your junior minister.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Minister, is that a bottle of champagne?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Drinking on the job, Minister? - It...It's a...a half bottle.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39As I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Er, thank you.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Less of a Fagin and more of an Artful Dodger, is that what this is?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Run those fuckers over. 50 quid for every one you maim.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I've got a blank page. You dictate.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It should have been done like, an hour ago.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Thanks a fucking bunch, mate!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I couldn't have looked more of a twat
0:19:56 > 0:19:59unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'm angry too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- that you just raped in a ditch. - Your stupid idea in the first place.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07What are your ideas, Peter? We'd love to hear them!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10A public information film on the best wine to have with fish?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12A butler on every street corner?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15This is a long game, Fergus. I've been around a lot longer than you
0:20:15 > 0:20:17and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and turn your office back into something useful
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- like a spare toilet. - Both of you desist!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Peter's palace, now!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Who do you think you are? P Diddy?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It was a half bottle on my 30th anniversary
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and I was recycling it. At least give me credit for that.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Sorry, Peter, I take it all back. As strong a defence
0:20:43 > 0:20:45as the fertiliser in my home-made bomb was organic!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Garage, car, hosepipe.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52The anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Fergus, what about you?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds properly at a learning centre.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Something you didn't clear through me! You announced this
0:20:59 > 0:21:01before Peter took his daily gaffe dump.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04What was the word I used this morning?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07You used a lot of words. It was like a fucking Will Self lecture.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08What was the word I used?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Coalition.- Boom! So you will go to the learning centre
0:21:12 > 0:21:14where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds
0:21:14 > 0:21:17with Peter who will make an abject grovelling apology
0:21:17 > 0:21:19for being a both a digitard and an elderly racist.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Good yeah, that's just great(!)
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I'm bored of this. I'm going for a Twix.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Adam's coming.- Oh, not on my watch.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Oh, here we go.- You shall not pass.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You couldn't keep the cast of Glee out.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Is Peter sharing a car with Fergus?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Wait here, I'll check. - Yes go, run many miles.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Make heart soar like eagle.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Prick.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Peter says he's sorry but he doesn't have any child seats fitted.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Oh, Really?- OK, kids, Raj can make it for eight o'clock.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01What's going on? Have you two just kissed?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Give him this, final list of staff cuts. Needs his signature.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07If it makes him happier, he can pretend he's sectioning you.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Sure, but tonight Dobby does not ride with Dumbledore.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12- Oh, fucking hell.- Brilliant(!)
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Does he have any references based in reality?- Listen, don't fuck about.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Just make sure Fergus gets Peter to the church on time, OK?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20All right, get a boyfriend.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Oh, come out.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25She's not on the fucking list!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Christ, Fergus we both know she's a fart in a frock
0:22:35 > 0:22:36and I want to waft it out of here.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38My hands are tied.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Fuck you! You're not getting in my car tonight!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46What a very principled stand you're taking.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Did you see how stressed Mannion was there?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated
0:22:51 > 0:22:55he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Well, we had champagne
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and your sister wasn't there.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08All I'm saying is that sometimes it's necessary
0:23:08 > 0:23:11to lose the battle in order to win the war.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Or lose your mind to believe all the crap you come out with.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Ah here he is, the King of Sheba.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Er, Terri.- Sorry, do you mind holding...?- Jesus.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Just pass it to me. - Why don't you get in the front?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- We can't all get... - No inconvenience at all.- Budge up.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I...I think you'd be more comfortable in the front.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It's not a problem in any way.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Minister, ministers is it true that you hate each other?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Not at all. Of course, we're not strangers to a frank exchange of views.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Have you been forced to come here together?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I think I can say in all candour that no one could force me
0:23:49 > 0:23:50to stand next to this man.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Ah, Raj. Thank you so much for coming.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Raj.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Good to see you, Peter Pete.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Err, I'd like to thank er, er, Raj here
0:24:05 > 0:24:07for pointing out the flaws in Fergus's
0:24:07 > 0:24:11and, and my Silicon Playground scheme.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Yeah, and we'd love you to become a silicon player, Raj.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Help us nail it, yeah? - Yeah, sure, if you pay me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Can you get me a chicken and cashew nut?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Get your usual order, dead dog's dicks.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25They're still down at the centre.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27No, my children, not them I'm looking for but you.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I thought while they were dovetailing we might chat the chit.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32There's no reason why we can't go bigger on this.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36With the spread of computer literacy across all demographics.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39We could be having silicon pubs, silicon prisons,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41silicon care homes.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I mean this way we really would have a networked nation guys.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Silicon banks.- Silicon hospitals. - Silicon buses.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Err, silicon phones, silicon lights, silicon plants...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55No, Phil, don't just say what you fucking see.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Why don't we hive mind on this? Get our best brains on it.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Adam come and join us. Phil, go make us some ginseng tea.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05You're getting a coffwee, coffee with wee in it.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08So the core question here is can we engender the same sense
0:25:08 > 0:25:11of pan-demographic communalities we had in the war,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14but furrowed into the digital revolution, hmm?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Do you have milk in ginseng?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- No.- Shit.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Simeon, hi. Yeah he is, he's with me.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Number 10. Apparently your phone's off.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26That's because my mind is in give mode not receive mode. Simeon, hi.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29No, no, no, no, no, don't say that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No, no don't drown the kitten here!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Look, we're cooking up the Schlieffen plan for the mind here!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No, I'm sorry I don't believe he said that. No.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42OK.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46OK, curious.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47What's happened?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Silicon Playgrounds, erm... dead.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Too much confusion and negativity.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Says who?- The PM. - Oh, for God's sake.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Interesting, he's never used a conduit to deliver bad news before.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Sorry should I not have left the bags in?- No, they look lovely.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Are you all right, Stewart, can I...?
0:26:07 > 0:26:12No, I'm erm, I am... I'm going to go and rest my eyes on the river.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- He touched me.- OK.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Well, landmark day.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21We bring in an idea, you like it, you nick it,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24you put two bullets in the back of its head.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Snuff politics, you've got to laugh.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29It's good to see Stewart lost for multi syllables though.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Have you ever seen him like that before?- Never.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He took the morning off when Steve Jobs died.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37But otherwise, been seven years of ear piss.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Ah, look at us, Fergus We're such good friends.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44It's like Ike and Tina Turner. Or Caligula and his horse.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45This will cheer you up.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Your boss has chucked Silicon Playgrounds down a well
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and poured a bucket of shit after it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Whole day, it's been an excruciating waste of time.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Am I...am I needed?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02We'll get back to you on that.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08We can stop pretending to like each other now.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14Maybe it would be better if we actually did try to get on
0:27:14 > 0:27:16rather than just pretending.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Maybe it would.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Have a good, erm...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23what's left of the evening.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Thanks.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28OK, darling I'm on my way.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Finally got rid of Captain fucking Scarlet.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35DoSAC please Martin.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Terri, hi, it's Glenn.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Silicon Playgrounds has been axed and so's your evening!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44They want you to come in and draft a press release. And by draft I mean
0:27:44 > 0:27:46work on it all night.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Oh, no.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Looks like he's going back to DoSAC.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I'm sorry Tina I'm going to have to turn round.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Are you about to head off?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I'm sorry it should be...
0:28:03 > 0:28:0611 at the latest.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Could, could, could you just put
0:28:08 > 0:28:10something eggy on a tray for me?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12And...and then we will
0:28:12 > 0:28:15snuggle, I promise.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- practicing walking.- It does seem to be taking an awfully long time.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Is that too bouncy? - It's Remembrance Sunday!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28We haven't got any fucking power.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29We're like a family in a Cuban slum.
0:28:29 > 0:28:36It's important that we rise above partisan politics, Dan.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37So that, Dan...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I feel like I should put the poppy wreath around my neck
0:28:40 > 0:28:41and take 40 paracetamol.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd