0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains very strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:05As we enter the third week,
0:00:05 > 0:00:09I find Mr Tickle's attention-seeking, tent-based twattery
0:00:09 > 0:00:11even more annoying than in weeks one and two.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13We haven't made him, we just sold his house.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- What do you put into the Networked Nation?- Well...
0:00:15 > 0:00:19I am...a minister.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Look at this, no missed calls.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27I used to have missed calls piling up like fucking pizza leaflets.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I suppose it means everything's fine. How was your evening?
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Really nice.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- We managed to get a table at Mishkin's.- Oh.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- And you?- Ah, a bit of a quiet one.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Just a bottle of pinot and Twitter-abusing the cast of Glee.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Was kind of wonderful in its own way.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Malcolm, can I have a couple of words?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Political lightweight? Making up the numbers?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Sorry, that's four, isn't it?- Lovely, lovely, yeah, you still got it(!)
0:00:46 > 0:00:49But, erm, seriously, can I just, er...
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- 'Don't take too wide a step.' - 'Start with the right.'
0:00:53 > 0:00:54'Yes. OK, so relax.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Cenotaph, here.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- Right.- OK?- Off you go.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Yeah, I think that's TOO slow.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03A minute ago you said I was too fast.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05You look like Sleeping Beauty, that's just weird.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- You look like you've been dug up.- OK.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Do you remember when you got married?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- I'd rather fucking not. - OK, Nicola...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Olly, shit! I had it then.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very SAD time,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19er, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21No, it's fine, I've got the lead question,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I've got the follow up sarcastic question
0:01:23 > 0:01:27and I've got the withering put down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Yep, you'll walk rings round him(!)
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Erm, this does seem to be taking an awfully long time.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Is that too bouncy? - What do you mean "bouncy"?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Cos that's helping with my balance but if it looks...- Bouncy?!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- It is too bouncy.- Well, that's... You've over exaggerated now.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42It's like you've got rickets.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Its Remembrance Sunday. - THAT'S what your face should be doing - remembering.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Think of a sad thing and rememb... - Not remembering!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51You don't want to be going along going, "Oh, that reminds..."
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Is that what you do when you're remembering?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- I think I've got it, I've got it. - Right, let's see.- Look, watch.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I'm starting with my left foot but never mind that.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Now my shoe's coming off.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01The leader of the opposition is in that room, Malcolm,
0:02:01 > 0:02:02practising walking.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08She's one-nil down to a pony!
0:02:08 > 0:02:12A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Right, our guest tonight on I Don't Give A Fuck About Baby Horses is me.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16We need to do something about Nicola.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I mean, you know about her plan? I mean, Nicola with a plan?!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's like a...toddler with a harpoon.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24There's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan -
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I'll deal with that Sweaty Betty.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Listen, when you wake up in the morning, you've got a routine, haven't you?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Big shit, granola, check the e-mail, shower and a shave, Nespresso...
0:02:36 > 0:02:37sometimes a second shit.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Exactly, you have a plan, that's good.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Nicola has a plan, that's not good -
0:02:43 > 0:02:46but I have a plan that's fucking great.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47And then I bow?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's more of a nod, anyway.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Yeah, it's, sort of, "All right, dead-oes?", but a bit more solemn.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Remember to put the wreath down this time.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I didn't actually not put it...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It got caught in my glove, I told you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Oh, that's very moving, "They shall not grow old,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Look, I don't want to show myself up
0:03:06 > 0:03:08in front of 5,000 uniformed pensioners again.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm glad you're thinking about those pensioners
0:03:10 > 0:03:13cos those are the poor fuckers who gave everything
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- so people like you could play at running the country.- Oh nice.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Olly, walk with me.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Er, forwards or backwards?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Malcolm!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You'd get a much better response from her if you didn't bully her.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Sweetheart, she should be doing the bullying.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32She should be taking the PM's lunch money and using his arse as a fruit machine,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37not practising throwing a straw frisbee in slow motion!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I don't think you got enough cuddles as a child.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42So how do we engage with this demographic?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45The first thing is, is first of all, knowing who we're talking about,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47then finding a name for them.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49People who would do something for nothing.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52They are mugs. Mugs do something for nothing.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Erm, how about, "deserving work force"?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56OLLY SNORTS
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Why are you laughing, does it sound a bit Pravda-ish?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00What, handbags?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Pravda!- Soviet newspaper.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05This is the sort of person, they find an umbrella on a bus,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08they go all the way to the depot just to give it back.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11They're commuters, they are the street pounders,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14street walkers, er...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You can't call them "street walkers"!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Wombles. Honest Wombles. Everyday Wombles...?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Sorry, I've just got to take a call. - Erm, straights?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- No.- No? No, of course, sorry.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Commuting Champions?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Inter-rail... Human inter-railers...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Human inter-railers"? That's inter-railers.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Er, everyday superstars...
0:04:36 > 0:04:39All-British supremes...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Fuck, that sounds like a racist tribute band.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Ordinary people with, with something special about them,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- with a special power. - Please, don't say "special".
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Don't say special.- No, but, you know, like, people as superheroes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Iron people, spider people... - They're just regular citizens
0:04:56 > 0:04:58but they have this, that one special quality
0:04:58 > 0:05:02that makes them like Batman or Batpeople. Erm, the quiet...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Batpeople.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Quiet Batpeople?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No, that's not it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10That's the general area we're looking at, is what I'm saying.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11It's just a marker.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Yep, shall we wrap it up and make a move? Shad Cab?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Yes.- Don't, don't say "Shad Cab".
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Don't...- Why not? - Cos it's Shadow Cabinet, isn't it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It's like saying spag bol.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Fuck annoy!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- All very worthwhile. What a session. - "Quiet Batpeople"?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26What's she doing, is she fucking sniffing the pens at night?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27This is every day.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30This is what we do every day, scat all day.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Jizz FM! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34What's going on in that abandoned barn of a brain of hers?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37This is, this can't go on - this is fucking suicide.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Malcolm, I know, I know, I know.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I mean, Nicola...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- she's a nice lady - especially when she's drunk.- Yes!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Karaoke, you can't take her karaoke off her.- Fucking wish I could!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48She's going to have to fall on her sword.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Which means that we have to stick one in the ground, trip her onto it,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53get someone to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Nothing personal.- Nothing personal, of course not!- Of course not.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00So, Ben tells me you have a plan.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Anything I should be worrying about?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You're not going to found a religion, are you?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Reshuffle? Don't send Ben to the backbench
0:06:07 > 0:06:08cos he'll just wank and eat Pringles.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Leather seats are an invitation to him.- Morning.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- You'll never get in.- Ha-ha!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Cock!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17New party logo - a kitten.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20A kitten in a sock. Kitten in a sock, sitting on a motorway, shouting,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22"Help me, I don't know what to do!" Getting close?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25All right, look, I just think we need to show,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28we need to be seen to accept
0:06:28 > 0:06:30that there are tough decisions to be made.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34So, I thought it would be a good idea if we publicly agreed
0:06:34 > 0:06:37with two government policies that we previously opposed.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38That's all.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Can we talk about this? - Yes absolutely, Malcolm.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46We'll, we'll talk about this in Cabinet, OK?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I'll be talking, you'll be nodding.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I'm struggling here, you want us to agree with the government?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Not on everything, obviously.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57No, we're just going to back two government policies -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59the coastguard pay freeze
0:06:59 > 0:07:03and the end of ring-fenced funding for primary school breakfast clubs.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04So, what?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08We're now in favour of drowning sailors and starving children?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- We are, technically, the opposition. - Can I be devil's advocate here for a moment?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Nicola's right, of course, she's right,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16but we should at least think about what Dan has to say here
0:07:16 > 0:07:21because we've already seen one set of quisling wankers cross the floor and join JB's barmy army.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22If the opposition now join them
0:07:22 > 0:07:26everyone will just be facing half an empty fucking chamber.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32Yeah, it's important that we rise above partisan politics, Dan...
0:07:32 > 0:07:36so that, Dan, so that we can take our poll ratings with us.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Malcolm? Malcolm...
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Sorry.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Could you not, talk behind my back? Thank you.- Sorry.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Now, you know, if you don't think that message is clear,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49then that's fine but it is your job to clarify it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Fine.- Good. OK, great.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Before we finish,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Ploop.- Sorry, Ben, I missed that.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Just, sorry, I said "ploop".
0:08:09 > 0:08:13It's just the noise of a pebble being dropped.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Er, we're still having a bit of trouble
0:08:15 > 0:08:18connecting with the, the ordinary voter.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21The, erm, the silent majority.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Erm, Malcolm, can you talk us through our session this morning?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Well, for the record, I do think that this is a good idea.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Do you mind if I...? Helen, can I borrow your notes a second...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Oh, I should say, actually, none of this is set in stone.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You know, they're, they're not even set in Plasticine!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43So, the marker for this target demographic is Quiet Batpeople.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- As I say...- "Quiet Batpeople"?!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Quiet Batpeople, it's everyday superheroes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- There's a big tick next to that here. - Everyday heroes like...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56like vigilantes?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59It's ordinary people, not vigilantes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"Little" being the operative word, "pretty" not.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Helen's written here, "Normality as a kind of superpower."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10OK, I'm sensing, er, opposition.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Good, cos earlier you were talking about getting rid of that(?) - SOME PEOPLE LAUGH
0:09:14 > 0:09:18So, I would like everybody to take the idea away
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and just let it percolate.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21OK, good, er...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, poppies!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Last thing, can we just make ABSOLUTELY sure
0:09:25 > 0:09:27we have them on at all times.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Jackets, coats...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Or batsuits.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31SOME PEOPLE LAUGH
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Wear your poppies or you will be shot at dawn!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36NICOLA LAUGHS
0:09:36 > 0:09:37(Thank you.)
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes, thank you(!)
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Well, I had more fun at my last mammogram!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh, no, you were fine.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Well, maybe...- You fox-faced fuck!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Dan The-demi-man Miller, interview with The New Statesman -
0:09:49 > 0:09:54he says that he, "pledges himself to change the fractured and shaky narrative at the heart of the party."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Arse!- Well, I'm pledging myself to find Dan Mr Smoothie Miller
0:09:57 > 0:10:01and fracture and shake him into an actual fucking smoothie.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Looks like a fun runner's lost his way.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Why are there bits of food wandering about?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Are you for the chop? - It's a fucking hack pack.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- Any comment on Dan Miller's article? - No comment, be gracious, smile, look good. No questions.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Are you for the chop, Mrs Murray? - Oh, it's a chop!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Oh, it's that dick from The Mirror who...- Are you top of the chops?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Thank you.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21You, fuck off! Get back to the fucking Flintstones.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Turn up like that again I'll fucking stick that down your throat
0:10:23 > 0:10:25and pull it out your arse.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's enough. I don't even do things I enjoy for that long! That's it!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No questions, Nicola's got a government to bring down.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No comment, no comment, thanks very much.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Why did we have to stand there smiling like that?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38You think it'd be better if you were seen in tears?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I just think my face next to a chop does not look good
0:10:40 > 0:10:42unless I'm applying for a job in ASDA!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Why pictures of her coming from Shadow Cabinet?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Maybe they don't want pictures of her, maybe they want you.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Maybe they want pictures of an over-botoxed Nancy Dell'Olio?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Right, the first chance you get just go and deal with Dan.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Tear him a new bum or whatever it is people say.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Right, right, right, right, right.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03I mean, what would possess you to walk about the streets
0:11:03 > 0:11:06with notes just...there for anybody to see?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08They're my notes but they're your shit suggestions.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Well, I'm not the one flapping them about in such a way
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- that the press can take pictures of them!- How was I to know?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- They were taking a photo of Nicola...- Cos you're an adult...
0:11:16 > 0:11:20"Quite Batpeople" on EVERY fucking paper!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Right, this is a wake-up call.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25By the way, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27with her fucking hair on fire,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30why don't you just take your notes down to Snappy Snaps
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and get them blown up to gigantic cheque size
0:11:32 > 0:11:34so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38So we have to seize the agenda,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40we have to deflect attention away from all this.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It's now time to embrace our friend Mr Tickle.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I can't say his name without smiling.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Well, he's not smiling, is he?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He's living in a tent cos his key worker housing was sold off.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Yes and he's a 24 carat fucking nutcase.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Which means that Peter Mannion
0:11:53 > 0:11:56has been picking on a man with a history of depression.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00That's a way right into the principality of pricks, right there.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yeah, and that's EXACTLY what they will expect me to do.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04They'll know about his mental health records as well.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09They'll just be waiting for me to attack and I'm not going to and THAT will surprise them.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I think that you and I need to have a little talk.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16A proper talk.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Like when mummy explains why daddy's going to be in the papers tomorrow.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Out.- You mean you'd like us to go?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Yes, into exile, preferably. Bhutan's nice.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29I need to know that you're really on top of things, actually, Malcolm.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30I do my fucking job!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, do you do your fucking job out of a sense of obligation
0:12:32 > 0:12:35or are you doing it because you actually believe in me?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Oh, let me boomer-fucking-rang that one right back at you, do you believe in you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Cos I can't see any fucking fire in your eyes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I can't even see the clicking of the, of the pilot light
0:12:44 > 0:12:46to try and get a tiny, little flame going.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What I do see is that you might at any day decide,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52"Oh, I've fucking had enough," and go off and get a blanket from the car.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I slightly resent what you're saying.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59The fact of the matter is, I do not believe in my heart of hearts...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01that you're hungry for power.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04You've got no idea how hungry for power I am.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- You have to really fucking want to do this.- This is what I'm telling you!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I FUCKING want this... Shit, people can hear me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I am hungry for this, yes!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Well, you've got to be as hungry as a fucking Hutu
0:13:14 > 0:13:17in the fucking jungle with a big machete.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You've got to go HACKING through the fucking opposition
0:13:19 > 0:13:22with a big fucking belt full of hands and a necklace made of ears.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Can you do that?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Yes.- Can you wear a necklace made of ears?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26I can be a Hutu -
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I can wear fucking fingernail bracelets, I can...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33do this, Malcolm, yes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34THAT'S what we need to see.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Yeah, I promise you, I can deliver.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38I can see that.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41She's got Bette Davis eyes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- You're going to do this. - Brilliant, thank you, Malcolm.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Fucking useless.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50She is unstoppable and she loves you.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Because a wine tasting is not a night out, it's an admission of defeat.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You might as well go to...
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Er, Jo, I'll call you back
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Oh, I am.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Right, is he...?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I'm in the middle of slamming his smug face
0:14:08 > 0:14:10into a verbal deep fat fryer.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14You know Dan, of course, don't you? Why don't you sit down and join us?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Er...- Join us!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I don't know if you've met Mrs Susan Doherty?
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Mrs Doherty is a quiet fucking batperson, or a fucking motorway mingebag,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27or whatever the fuck we're calling these fickle shits this week.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm going to get a coffee, do you want anything?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- I'll have a fucking Fanta.- OK.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You know what I think I did wrong last year?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I think I set off on the wrong foot
0:14:36 > 0:14:39because I actually have a bit of a problem with left and right.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45- It's like directional dyslexia or dyspedia, dys... - PHONE BEEPS
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It's one of the dys... Oh, I'm doing it now.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- For goodness sake. - Oh, is this more quiet bat guano?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54This Week would like to photograph politicians
0:14:54 > 0:14:56wearing underpants over their clothes.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And Grazia would like to know
0:14:58 > 0:15:01what you carry in your utility belt and why?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- I'll say you're not interested. - I'm fucking not interested.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I'm only interested in working out which of my feet is which.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08So we need to be rid of Nicola.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Rid of her?- She's tank.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- She's fucking electoral asbestos. - Wow, so...you, you want to...?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I want this party back in power where we can help people.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I don't know whether you've noticed but we haven't got any fucking power.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23We can't help anyone. We're like a family in a Cuban slum.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27We're out in the middle of nowhere. We're in the fucking...middle of the ocean,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31with our own Ellen MacArthur sobbing, crying - enough.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Over the side she goes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37She's going to sleep with the fishes.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Or at least witter on at them until they fucking lose the will to live. - So, do you...?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44(Do you have a plan?)
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Optimum time for her to step down is eight months from now.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Over that period she has to be very gently dislodged -
0:15:49 > 0:15:51like a tick from a cat's ear.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You set up that batpeople photo!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Olly, I'm shocked at you suggesting that.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Jiminy Fuckmas, Malcolm! I don't know about any of this.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04It's time for you to step up, Olly. What's that film that you love?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- What film?- The one about the fucking hairdresser,
0:16:06 > 0:16:07the space hairdresser and the cowboy.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11The guy, he's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18LEGO, they're all made of fucking Lego.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Star Wars.- That's the one, right.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24It's like that, OK? You want to fucking kill the bad guys.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- And you'll be able to blow up the big...- The Death Star.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28The Death Star thing.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Then you can go and live happily ever after
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- on the planet of the teddy bears. - They're Ewoks, Ewoks.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Are you, are you ABSOLUTELY sure about this, Malcolm?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Well, not really, no...
0:16:43 > 0:16:44but it's worth a punt, isn't it?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Good. Life is interesting at last -
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I've been so fucking bored for the last two years.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Bonnie Langford's paying.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- It's a good speech, I think. Does it need a bit of a...?- Rethink.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I was going to say trim.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Are you going to address the batpeople thing in the speech?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07No, I might walk on stage to the theme tune!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Just make sure you're not wearing anything
0:17:09 > 0:17:11that can be photographed like a cape.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Oh, Malcolm, did you see Dan?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I saw him and I fucking eviscerated him.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16What did you say?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18He crumpled like a crisp packet on a cooker.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22He's now just a small pool of grease and regret, isn't he?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Yeah, yeah, you can only see him under UV lights now.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- How do you know?- Were you there?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Yeah, yeah. Malcolm flayed his skin off,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- he's going to use it as his onesie. - That's him just coming in.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Don't say anything.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Don't humiliate him any further - that's my fucking job.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Give us your dinner money! - I haven't got dinner money, I bring a packed lunch.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Fuck that. I don't want one of your home-made fucking feta parcels.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I presume you need to bollock me for my disloyalty
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- in doing that New Statesman thing, so why don't we...- I already have.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- This morning - were you not there? - Can't say I recall it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Would it be cheeky if I invited you onto the veranda?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I've got a little matter I'd like to discuss with you.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01We're lovers, deal with it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I suppose the key question is,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07is Dan Miller going to pull the same stunt again?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Well, I mean, I think, after what he's just been through with Malcolm,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Dan's crushed! He's just in the shower crying, with his clothes on!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- Dan? Dan Miller?- Yeah, Malcolm gave him a right old... K'cher!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20He gave him a cash register?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22No, that was me cracking a whip, plainly!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Well, shame I missed that, where was, er, where was this?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It was in the back stairwell.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That's right by my office. I'm surprised I didn't hear that.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I mean, I can hear fat Pat's farts bouncing off the walls
0:18:33 > 0:18:35when she has to take the stairs if the lift's bust.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Well, it was, sort of, you know, he did it in a lower tone.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Special, kind of, terrifying... He calls it, erm, whisper boarding.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It's not a healthy sign when the deputy attacks the leader
0:18:47 > 0:18:50but maybe we should embrace this point of no return.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Are you saying you agree with what I wrote?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm saying that I spoke to Nicola earlier,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57to gauge the fire in her belly,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01and now I'm standing in a cupboard with you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What's the worst thing that he said?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Oh, well, he said, er, "Fuck right off, you fucker!"
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Really? Well, I once used the last tea bag
0:19:09 > 0:19:13and Malcolm pushed me up against a wall any called me Noncey Sinatra - that seems tame.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Well, like I say, it was, it was, it was mainly in the tone, Ben.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I didn't hold the door open for him and he called me a minge mop.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Yeah, but he likes Dan.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Ooh!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Did you need me?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Nope, nope.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31So, your loyalty to Nicola is...?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Unwavering.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Right up to the point that...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Someone challenges her?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Not necessary, she's going to kick her own head in,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43which will be easy for her because she does yoga.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45We just need someone to hold her jacket
0:19:45 > 0:19:46while she commits political hara-kiri
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and sweep in unopposed...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51being careful not to tread in the mess.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So, you think...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- I should challenge her? - What the fuck is this?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Cunt?!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Do you or do you not want to be the next leader of this party?
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Yes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, she needs to fuck off in eight months,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07so it looks like we're giving her a chance.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Now let's get out of this fucking cupboard
0:20:11 > 0:20:14before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18And I agree that we no longer have the luxury,
0:20:18 > 0:20:23the privilege of thinking in the abstract about politics.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24How's Martina Luther King doing?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- It's like that old show Faking It. - PHONE BEEPS
0:20:26 > 0:20:30She's a shit politician pretending to be a,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32pretending to be, er, a mediocre one.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- What's that text?- It's not a text.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Show me the text.- It's telling me to tell you to mind your own business.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Show me the text!- No, no, get off.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- Show me.- No, get off, it's a girl sexting me, Malcolm.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Practising for Strictly. - Get off my fucking...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Give me my fucking...
0:20:49 > 0:20:50What is this tiny font?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Give me my phone, Malcolm.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"As I thought, we're dropping BC," what does that mean?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's my friend who works in education.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00The government are dropping the reforms
0:21:00 > 0:21:02to the primary school breakfast club policy.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05OK, let's rewind here a bit, stick man.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Nicola is about to adopt a policy that is so toxic
0:21:09 > 0:21:13that this stony-hearted government of fucking puppy killers is dropping it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Yeah.- Shit in my porridge.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Get a dart gun and go and fucking kill her.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21No, no, think about it. This is exactly what we want, right?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24No, think about it, this isn't what we want. This is too soon.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27The mechanics of the leadership election are not in place.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Right, we've got to get her off that stage.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Go and piss in a fuse box, or finger a security guard.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- I'll bundle her out during the melee. - We need to stop Nicola announcing.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Rumour has it that the government is going to drop the breakfast club policy.- Oh, shit!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40But just a rumour, yeah?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Yes, I'm just getting it You need to signal her to stop.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- You've got a signal?- Er... - We never agreed on one.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49You don't have a fucking signal? You must, from Hampstead Heath?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Didn't Nicola mention something about iceberg?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- As in you're going to crash into an iceberg.- OK, how do I do that?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- That's subtle(!)- Get in, whatever it is.- I'll do a triangle.
0:21:56 > 0:22:02In times of deep crisis, tribal politics can act as a break upon it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:08And it's down...to us to rise above this and think...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- What is that? Breached birth? - It's a fucking iceberg.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Upside down uterus.- Shut up, Olly!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17..that we're endorsing fully and unreservedly
0:22:17 > 0:22:20a pay freeze for the coastguard
0:22:20 > 0:22:23AND an end to the ring-fencing of funds
0:22:23 > 0:22:26to provide primary school breakfast clubs.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30We are in concurrence with the government
0:22:30 > 0:22:34because we are in unity with the British people.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Any questions?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Mrs Murray, did you know that the government have just announced
0:22:39 > 0:22:42that they are dropping the reform on primary school breakfast clubs?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46(Pretend you heard another question.)
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Er, yes, yes, we, er, yes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Breakfast, er, really is a...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58really is a meal for the whole family, er, and, er...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I think that we regard that as...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You've got some nice fake concern going on there, Malcolm.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I'm sorry?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Undermining Nicola. You're getting off on this.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13You've got some sort of agenda.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21Don't you dare question my loyalty to my leader or my party ever again.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And don't flatter yourself into thinking that
0:23:24 > 0:23:26you can divine my motives or actions.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You are a mouse in a maze.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31..now that's not to say that if you don't have a family you,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33you can't enjoy breakfast.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Plainly, you can and you should
0:23:35 > 0:23:39because, erm, because it is the most important meal of the day,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43especially if you've been fasting during Eid.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'm dead, aren't I? Why didn't you stop me?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I tried to warn you.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Oh, with the triangle thing. W.T.Fuck was that?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Iceberg.- Not to scale, obviously.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56The iceberg you were heading for was much, MUCH bigger than that.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Do you know what I thought it was? Hash brown.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- You see a triangle and the first thing that comes to your mind is hash brown?- No...!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Bye-bye.- Thank you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Not the first thing, the first thing I thought was pyramid.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Pyramid, the signal being...? - Being everything's fine.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14You know, everybody likes pyramids.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Do we know why the fuckers dropped it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Even the Etonian mess over at number ten has to acknowledge
0:24:20 > 0:24:22that people hate the policy.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's taking food out of children's mouths.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27It is kind of the opposite of Comic Relief.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Well, then you should have stopped me!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You could have created a diversion -
0:24:30 > 0:24:33you could have gone in there and set yourself on fire
0:24:33 > 0:24:36or got your tits out and shouted, "Oh, there's a big lion!",
0:24:36 > 0:24:37I don't know.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Just SOMETHING, just anything
0:24:38 > 0:24:41rather than leave me in there committing career suicide
0:24:41 > 0:24:43by starving small children.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And you, Malcolm, the one time in my life
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I would've been actually pleased to see you. Where the fuck were you?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Sorry.- Can you U-turn maybe?
0:24:52 > 0:24:57No, that was a U-turn - if I do another U-turn it's an O-turn.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59- Am I dead?- No. No, no.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Cos I feel like I'm dead.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I feel like on Sunday I should just put the poppy wreath round my neck
0:25:05 > 0:25:06- and take 40 paracetamol. - No, don't worry.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Look, we're all still Team Nicola. We'll fight for you, won't we?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Can somebody get me a coffee, please?- God, yeah.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Hold the wreath in your right hand...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- It's going to be heavier, isn't it? - It's a practise wreath, I haven't weighed them.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Down, two...three, frown, two...three,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29up and walk backwards.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Just copy the Queen, if in doubt.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32That's going to have to do.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Good luck! Just, you know, knock 'em dead in a silent respectful manner!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Yeah.- Phone off.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Ho-ho! Helen given you the wreath lecture?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh, come on, Nicola, you'll be absolutely fine.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44I couldn't eat breakfast.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I felt like I'd personally ripped it out of the hands
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- of some malnourished infant. - Stop it. Stop it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52The first rule of breakfast club is we do not talk about it.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53That's it for now.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's not just that, my head's full of BAT.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Because of the hat?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- What?- No because of the... - Does this look like a bat?!- No!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I was going to say it doesn't look like a...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It looks, it's more Mickey Mouse, isn't it? The hat?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Or Minnie Mouse, it's Minnie Mouse. Not bat.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09- Fuck off, Olly.- OK.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Just wreath up that bad boy! - OK.- Yeah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19'Oh, and the DPM is up next.'
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Firm grasp on the wreath, there.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23He's aiming for the steps.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Top step! And that is...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29magic poppies.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, here we go.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36She's flustered, isn't she?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- That's the problem.- She'll be fine.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, my God.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Bollocking poppy wank!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Why is she hovering in the middle?!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You're right, she can't fucking walk.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I mean, shall we get a pony
0:26:57 > 0:26:58to challenge her?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Sorry.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- I don't understand how you can get that wrong.- It's this! Da, da, clonk!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10She is officially a ceno-twat.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Fabulous work. Let's just, er...bury her in a grave...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The Unknown Leader.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I can't watch. I feel a bit sick.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I just hope there is no afterlife
0:27:21 > 0:27:22because if people fought
0:27:22 > 0:27:23and died for this
0:27:23 > 0:27:26It is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Why do you know so much about horses anyway?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31'I thought you were raised by wolves.'
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:33 > 0:27:35First thoughts? We're policy jamming here.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37ALL: Yes and ho.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Let's Macintyre this. Stand up.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- Do you want to have an idea-gasm? - Yes, please.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45She's some kind of economist.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I think we're looking at about two billion.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49I quite like Emily Maitlis.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53HE SHOUTS
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Is this what we came into politics for?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Yep. That and the pussy.