0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07I'm finding Mr Tickel's tent-based twattery even more annoying.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- ..I call app Britain.- App.- I call app Britain.- I call app Britain.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Silicone playgrounds are, is, go.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy stained fingers out of it.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I call you up, app...
0:00:21 > 0:00:26I couldn't have looked more of a twat unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I was picked up at 7. Of course I haven't walked the dog.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I barely had time to take myself for a shit.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Phil, I'm sure you have Peter withdrawal symptoms
0:00:33 > 0:00:36but I need you to keep an eye on the Tickel issue.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Thought camp ETA 13 minutes, OK? You're taking the bridge, Kieran.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44You can start by not referring to him as gypo or gypsy, Phil.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47It's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50If he has a thorn in his paw it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53What do you mean, you're in charge? You are not in fucking charge.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54You've got to keep me informed.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I want the full crunch on all the feeds as usual, everything below the equator.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Take him to the dog hospital.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03No, I'm not being sarcastic. There is one.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08- The number will be in the folder. - Try and keep an eye on things, right?- Bile...- Mm, what?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Where are you taking us, Stewart? This mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Thought camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forward.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Terrible signal. Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- Why's he even gone in today? - I put him on Tickel oversight. - Oh, the eviction.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the siege of Troy.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- He wanted to feel useful. - Then he should sell his organs.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Glenn.- What? - What the fuck are you doing here?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, God, you're not living here, are you?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, no. I've just go some stuff I've got to catch up on.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Plus one of my neighbours is having a rooftop barbecue
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and I didn't fancy being bombarded with chicken bones and Radio 1.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Anyway, why aren't you on Stewart's away day?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Drinking herbal tea and playing leapfrog? I told Stewart where to get off.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? Rosencratz and Guildenstern.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07But very much alive. Well, one of us.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- I'll put the kettle on. - Sure.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Easy on the milk, Shaky Hands.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15OK, people, abandon phones all ye who enter here.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20And watches, too. Time is a leash on the dog of ideas
0:02:20 > 0:02:22This is like some weird inverted Dodge City.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Presumably we're allowed to keep our six shooters. I might want to blow my brains out.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Stewart, my son's coming back from a school trip
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and I'm gonna need to find out what time the coaches are arriving.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Sorry, Mary, same rules for everyone.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Reception will take a message, yeah,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39but I mean we all have children, yeah? I don't literally but...
0:02:39 > 0:02:43OK, lovely people. Let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Come on, quick. Quick. Fuck, fuck, it's hot.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Jesus Christ. What's happened?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Is this the start of some zombie apocalypse?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53What are you guys doing in?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Well, work comes first with me, Adam. You know that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Protestant ethic. Not that I'm at all anti-Catholic.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- You're in for...? - A meeting with Fergus.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Heads up. Lady and the Tramp are in, too.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Yeah, I know. Cheers. - Just make sure you copy me in on any minutes.- OK.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09How about you copy that, yeah?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Cos it's party business. It's not ministerial.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14The meeting is in the department.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17While Peter is absent, I'm his surrogate - the king's hand.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Yeah. Finish him off with that hand as well, do you?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Prick.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I may... I may be needed. I've been needed in the past.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31OK, people. I'd like to start this session with a question.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35When is a party not a party?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- When it's at your house? - Peter!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40A party is not a party when it is plural.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42There she is, the party, singular.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46She thinks like you, she votes like you, she is not you
0:03:46 > 0:03:47and yet of course she is you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51HE SIGHS I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58and as long as we continue to do nothing we can call that consensus.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And yes, JB is punishing you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10OK, let's, let's MacIntyre this. Stand up.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- MacIntyre? - In fact, chairs to the side, please.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Great, vague prancing about.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, do you want to share your thoughts?- Hmm?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- OK, maybe later you can share it with us.- Fabulous.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35But first, let me share something with you.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Silicone Playgrounds, yeah?
0:04:37 > 0:04:43What caused this slow motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over hash tag epic fail
0:04:43 > 0:04:45or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48That's it just put it at the side, Peter.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53I was hoping to catch the snooker after I've finished collating those healthy workplace stats.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Just down there. Glenn, you're a marvel.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59You're like a modern day Jeeves. Only not modern... day.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You're like Jeeves but only not as good.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04This meeting, is it something I should be in on?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Well, it's not really a meeting, it's more sort of faces with lips making noise.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Uh-huh. Sounds like a meeting.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Yeah, well you know, Fergus just called someone in
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- for a... for an exploratory chat. - Right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Stop Slytherin getting wind of it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh, hang on. I've got to go.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You need to get back to your telly? It takes a while to warm up, doesn't it?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Here we are at the coal face.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Ah, Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Hello, lovely to meet you.- Hi there. - Really lovely, lovely.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Shall we...?- Just...- Thank you. - She's an economist and a lady.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Yes, obviously. Lovely.- Ahem. What's going on? Who's the skirt?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil, I really would,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42but I'm not going to live long enough.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46So tell you what? Why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I think the dancing's on in a minute.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- I really like your coat, by the way. - Thank you.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- It's like a leopard. - It is a little bit.- Or a cheetah.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58- Am I supply-side economics? - No.- Oh, bugger.
0:05:58 > 0:06:04OK, Mary, you've got to help Peter work out what political concept he is. You have one guess left.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Keep the energy up, guys. Chins up, yeah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- Am I a solid, sensible concept? - No.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- The beauty of this model...- Yeah. - ..is that micro banking can happen anywhere, OK?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Great.- Small, low interest loans, that's the way forward.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23This is terrific, I mean, it's so fucking us it's brilliant.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Adam! Adam!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I've done some community enterprise case studies.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Sisters who want to set up a pop-up bakers in a disused travel agents.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37The boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Yeah. The helping hand for hands-on people.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Yeah.- I like that, that's great, that's really good.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Terrific, yeah, really good.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.
0:06:56 > 0:07:02Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Am I diversity? - No.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You're out of questions, Peter.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Oh, for fuck's sake. Inclusivity's practically the same as diversity.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- No, it's not. - No, it isn't, Peter.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Can I sit down now?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'm sitting down, I don't care.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Actually we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29So take a chair because Emma's going to co-steer module 4 with me.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take downs.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Em.- Great, thank you, Stewart.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Basically, we'd set up a network of micro-credit lenders at neighbourhood level.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizens' Bank or...?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- The People's Bank. - Erm, community...- The credit fund.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- No, no, credit's a bad word. - Negative.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Something with advance.- The We Bank.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- The We Bank?- I like that.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Although it does sound a bit like a sperm bank but for wee.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Bit of a farce going on here with your Mr Tickle.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Good, self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the sexy stranger?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20She's an economist, apparently.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Really? Oh, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Do you want to have an idea-gasm? - Yes, please.
0:08:35 > 0:08:42- Ask me how we'd initially fund this? - How would we initially fund this? - How would we initially fund this?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43A one-off Robin Hood tax.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Steal from the fat cats,
0:08:45 > 0:08:50raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You know what? This could work really well for us.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54This... This is... Yeah.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Yeah?- I mean, let's just talk figures.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?- Erm...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Not very much. I think we're looking at about 2 billion.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- 2 billion.- 2 billion.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Good. I erm... Well, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13- Sure.- And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work out
0:09:13 > 0:09:18but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Nicola Murray. We're assuming she's on her way out.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24That's a given. She's a political accident nobody can quite remember how it happened.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Contender one - Ben Swain.
0:09:26 > 0:09:32Now, ABC1's over-thirties consider him shifty and unfocused.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Can't think why that is.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- Geoff Holhurst.- Tiny head. - Yeah, an Achilles head.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Ah, Dan Miller, definitely our anti-fave.
0:09:42 > 0:09:49Charming, charismatic, clever, dedicated and phwoar, God, he's hot.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Yes, thanks, Em.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?- Oh, don't bother.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59If it's Ben Swain, we all shout "sweaty Swain" as he dehydrates himself through PMQs.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- What?- I would just knock that right on the head, don't do it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Well, he's in opposition, we rule.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21We're the rulers, we're the governors.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27- And in the end, this is so fucking us.- Fuck, yeah.- Yeah.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Here, Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33author of Strapped: Why We're In Debt To Each Other,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Small Is Bountiful, expert in micro financing
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and community credit guilds.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- God, that sounds dreary.- Bloody hell, that's all 4th sector stuff.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And why are they keeping Mannion out of it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47This is government business.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Right, that's enough, stop, stop, stop. I demand an explanation.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Sorry, Phil, we're busy.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's probably illegal.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Er, listen is there a problem with me being here?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07You're not supposed to be here.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The minister is unaware that you're here, so you have to leave.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15So she's a security risk? Oh, no - I'd forgotten. You're not allowed within 50 feet of a woman.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19How d'you explain this, then? I'm within 50 feet of you. You're a woman.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Oh, brilliant. That is really good. - Fuck! Tickle's dead!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Oh, shit.- Jesus.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Oh, God, he's killed himself. Suicide.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29He used a car exhaust.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsody of suicides.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake. - I'm sorry, I just, you know...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I mean it's, it's... It's good, in a way.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40He was drawing attention to an issue
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and now he's not drawing attention to it because...
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Can you just turn it down, all right, because we have somebody in?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47I'm gonna ring Terri.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- God, I was just ringing you. - I got a heads-up from Reuters
0:11:50 > 0:11:52whilst I was planting the dwarf irises.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53This is gonna take a lot of managing.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Who's that?- No-one. - Ah, Minister, sorry.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Yes, I'm halfway through a draft. Any minute.- Thank you, Terri.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Is this the homeless nurse? That's awful.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Er, yes, this is Mr Tickel, it's a tragedy.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Homeless out of choice, right, Fergus?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Er, now is really not the time to...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10This is a tragedy and it's complicated.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Not complicated enough for you to voice any public opposition.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Do you think we could not wash our dirty linen in public?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'm not the one who shat the bed.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Tara, could you give us two minutes? - Yeah.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23This situation calls for a black coffee and my Bluetooth headset.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Do not touch that phone, Glenn. That is a comms phone.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Erm...- No filters, Emma. First thoughts. We're policy jamming here.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33OK, erm, 24/7 parliament.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Oh, sorry, a little bit of mental housekeeping.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37There is only positivity in the circle.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41When someone makes a suggestion, we say, "yes and".
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Yes and what?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45We could, we could make a noise.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47What noise would you suggest, Mary?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yes and
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- ho.- Great. Let's run with that. Yes and ho.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Thanks, Emma. - 24/7 parliament.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56ALL: Yes and ho.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01- Pay the unemployed to drive ambulances.- Yes and ho.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Free thermals for the elderly. - Yes and ho.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- I'm just telling it straight. - Adam, the girl is still in our office.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well... Well, then, let's get rid of her.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Well, ask her out, that'll do it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Did you get her a tea? - What?- Er, she needs a tea.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Well, get her a tea. - You get her a tea.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- She's your girlfriend. - Get her a fucking tea.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- I'm the minister. I don't even know where tea is made.- Make her a tea.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Could you make her a tea? - I'm in charge.- You're not in charge. - I am in charge.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Get hold of Mannion. They need to know about this.- I am Mannion.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Hi. Sorry.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Can I get you anything? A tea, coffee?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Oh, no, don't, don't worry, you just...- Sure?- Yeah.- OK, sit tight.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40It's fine, the protest is over so it solves the problem. It's gone away.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43It's like there's a little 12-year-old boy in a suit
0:13:43 > 0:13:44with a fucking light sabre in his desk -
0:13:44 > 0:13:46don't think I don't know it's there -
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- running this department when Mannion's away.- Yeah? - It's a fucking joke.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- No, it's not, no, it's not. Have you seen Game of Thrones season 2?- No.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Or Anakin Skywalker - he was young.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Er, Frodo, in his thirties - still young for a hobbit, you know?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm in charge because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Right, what is the Ewok position on this, then?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Free tea bags. - Yes and ho.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Free maternity leave for people getting a puppy.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yes and ho.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Obese Olympics.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Yes and ho.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That was the one clear instruction they gave me, OK?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- We ignore him and he goes away. - He is dead.- Which makes him easier to ignore.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29As a minister I should at least express condolences.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- That, that should come from Peter. - But he's not here. I am.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I'll take that as a no.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Listen, Phil, I was a journalist, OK?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Now, if you don't respond you create a vacuum
0:14:45 > 0:14:47that sucks in speculation
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and then you can't respond - you get sucked fucking inside out.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of people's hearts.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- He was a twat in a tent. - Tick-EL! He was called Tick-EL!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00We drove a man to his death. We are responsible for this.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Glenn, please, shush.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08Do you think we could just pretend to behave like compassionate professionals in control,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- just for once? - Yeah, OK, er...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Look, er, whatever the fallout from today, megaphone Mary,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16you brought her in, she's your problem.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Right, fuck. Adam, we need to.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Could be... Hang on they're coming back. I'll ring you back.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Great stuff, Tara, we're going to go ahead with the bank.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Yep, meeting's over.- Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Done that. - OK, well, let's talk details.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- When it comes to interest rates, there's still quite a lot... - Hey, don't talk us out of it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- You don't want to do that. - So, is this the green light?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Uh-huh, yep, £2 billion.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Oh, my God!- Oh!- Crikey.- Ohh! That's great.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Oh, right, OK!- Oh, my God. - Great, great, terrific.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- We'll be in touch.- Thank you. - Lovely to meet you.- Great.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What have we just green-lit?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06This is just great, this is just fucking great.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- Oh...- I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14So I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You know, when we see something we like we just buy it,
0:16:20 > 0:16:21that's the way we work round here.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I hope the Tickel situation is all OK.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Well, it'll be fine. - Thank you.- Great. Lovely to meet you.- See you soon.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Right.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Right, I'm in fucking charge and I am going Nordic drama.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Adam, secure the economist. You get Stewart and Mannion back here stat.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Brilliant, got that guys, yeah? OK?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Sure, I'll do it your way for now, Fergus,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49but they left me in charge for a reason.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?
0:16:52 > 0:16:57One, I've got a shower and two, they're still in the boxes.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Emma, it's Phil, same message as before. Tickle's topped himself, the press want me to respond,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06so just fucking ring me, OK?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Have you got them? - No, everyone's ignoring me.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10It's like the first year of university.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Fuck it, the whole of university. - PHONE RINGS
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Jesus. Hello?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Thank you.- Who was that? - World At One. I handled it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24You don't handle the World At One, Phil. They're not stolen goods.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27If you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the creche
0:17:27 > 0:17:29where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes
0:17:29 > 0:17:31that go round and round when you wheel it about.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Now piddle off.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36We've got to put something out there, Terri.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38That boy is a simpleton.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Two hundred years ago they wouldn't have let him milk a cow.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- SHE LAUGHS - No! No, Peter's not resigning!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Free apples. - Yes and ho.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Free coffins. - Yes and ho.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Yes and ho.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your sinuses like a pinball,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07not just a 2-year-old slogan.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11OK, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12We do away with computers.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Yes and ho. - You idiot, that's fucking mental.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Do away with computers, what do we think? How would it affect us?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Good idea, bad idea? - Good idea for me. I wouldn't get any more of your fucking emails.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Try and stay cross-legged if you can, Peter. Don't break the circle.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Some of us had to go through this hippy shit the first time around.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I'm not talking about selling it to the electorate.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44OK, give me the ball. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- No. - Give me the fucking ball, Stewart.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Let's do away with you. - What?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Filters off, daddyo, let it all hang out.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Just suppose your free-range, no-consequences bullshit
0:18:58 > 0:19:01was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money
0:19:01 > 0:19:04but now that we're in government and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06it's irrelevant and infantile.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Oh, very droll, Peter.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in
0:19:10 > 0:19:12is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Oh, sorry, doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Er, I'm sorry but does the sign on the door say "do disturb"?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24No. Sorry. It is urgent.
0:19:24 > 0:19:30Your office says Peter Mannion and Stewart Pearson should check their phones and call back now, please.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Fine, well, you've, you've burst the thought bubble, erm, receptionist,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37so that's great. Thank you very much. Fantastic.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40OK, everyone just take...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Er, hotline, Number 10.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It's just I'm amending some boring policy drafts.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50They're encrypted but I've got to keep it on me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And Stewart hasn't got one.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Stick to policemen are getting younger, Glenn.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Peter's going nowhere
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09I've seen a lot of people resign and they're always happier afterwards.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You're thinking of lobotomies.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Peter resigns over my dead body.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Yes, yes. That would be the ideal scenario.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It's probably just Phil, he's run out of colouring books or something.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33- Your name, sir?- It's Stewart. - Stewart...?- Stewart Pearson.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Peter Mannion, mine's the old Nokia.- It's engaged.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Yeah, thank you.- Look, the one with Stewart written on it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- No, nothing. - Just keep trying.- It's engaged.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- I can't get any reception. - No, you won't round here.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51No reception at reception, we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Top of the slide.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Nothing.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01God, I hate the country. Get higher, you idiot.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That's it, that's it, I've got something.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Download the intel, Peter. Come on. Put it on speaker.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11No. I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- She's taking the dog to the hospital. - Oh, come on.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17She's... She's had a long wait.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- The wound in his paw's gone septic. - Oh, please, Peter, move on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- Tickle's dead.- What?- Tickle's dead.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30OK, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Wait, I'm listening to the fucking message.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I need to get this signal. Just get down.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Stop being so childish. - Jesus Christ.- Just get down, Peter.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- I've got it, I've got it. - Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, OK?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Number 10's gone off-the-hook mental. Take my phone to call the PM.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Right, come on, come on, come on! Movement.- Sh! Hello?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Everyone's coming back here, half an hour.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Coverly, comms. Yeah, can you hold on one second please?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Well, anyway, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Yeah, on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful
0:22:17 > 0:22:23if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Yeah, as a sort of favour to selected hacks,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28put a bit of air between us and the policy, a lot of air.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Adam, this is not the time for party political point scoring.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- At least let the body get cold. - Of course. Understood.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What was it...? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"The health service should be for care not subsidised housing."
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Now, I mean, that is...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Jesus. Is this what we came into politics for?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Yeah, that and the pussy.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide not a fucking camel race.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It will balance out the bad news. You know - yin-yang.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Jon Snow does it.- I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11We're going to try and dredge up some fire-fighting strategy.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yep, thanks. OK. All right. Bye.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Can I...? Can I take the seatbelt off?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19No, Peter. Stewart, what are you doing?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21It helps with the car sickness.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22This is great, isn't it, Stewart?
0:23:22 > 0:23:27A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29We don't even know why he killed himself yet.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I mean, suicide, it's pathetic.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35This is going nuts. So many questions being asked.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It started with why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- I brought an alternative. - But that's too far the other way. - It makes him look guilty.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi. He was at boot camp.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Oh!- Brilliant, let's release that, hey?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- What's on your tie?- Tintin moon rockets.- Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00It amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Here he is!- Minister! - Minister, does the government have blood on its hands?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Are you resigning?- Have you got anything to say to the family?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Shouldn't you have done more, Minister?- Please!- Not the trousers.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Let's show a little more decorum.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16A man has died in tragic and complicated circumstances.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20This is not the time for barked questions or hurried judgement.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21There will be a statement presently.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Was Mr Tickel killed by politics, Mr Mannion?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Do relax...- Heads up now, yeah?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry mail?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss, yeah?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Get him a tie, a bland one. Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Peter, I have a bit of news that I should probably make you aware of.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man with an amusing name has died.
0:24:46 > 0:24:52Er, no, actually. It's that this morning I... Well, I set up a community bank.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- What?- You did what? You... You... You set up a bank?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice
0:25:01 > 0:25:04because it was all going to piss in a kettle here,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- so we had to get the economist out of the way.- What economist?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Glenn was having a meltdown - it was embarrassing.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15You bought a bank out of social embarrassment?
0:25:15 > 0:25:21I sometimes buy the Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Oh...- Peter, this is so fucking us.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Just wind back, right. Let's get this straight, so I can deal with you two properly.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30How much is this bank?
0:25:30 > 0:25:31- Well, 2 billion. - 2 billion.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- 2 billion! - Sweet Tracy Emin!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36All right, don't need to shit yourself about it because we're not buying it, OK?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- It's funded by taxes. - That's all right then.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Oh, great, the triple! I'm a nurse killer, a banker and now I'm raising fucking taxes!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50You're giving me an actual noose along with the metaphorical one.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Trousers! - Sorry, I'm getting your trousers. - TEXT ALERT
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Jesus, what were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- It's been tweeted by a golfer. - Oh, for...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04It's gonna go big, bigger than Charlie bit my finger.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- You look like the Shit Family Robinson.- Aaahhhh!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08- Jesus Christ!- Shit!
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16My phone broke. I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18A year of my life, gone.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29It was the only place we could get a fucking signal.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Two grown men in a playground - that's a pretty clear signal.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Fergus, looks like you're up.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes OK?- Bring it!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. - I don't want the fucking trousers.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48ADAM: Peter, sorry to take this off you.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Yeah, but that's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54MOBILE Coverly, comms. Yeah, statement in er... Emma?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Yes.- Statement in? - Nine.- Nine, nine minutes.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Yep. OK, everyone. Terri Coverly offline.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04OK, shall I bring you some tea?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Oh, Peter, that tie's a bit rubbish, isn't it?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Can I just...? Why don't I just help you with that?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Just... I'm very willing to... - Take it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19PHIL: Jesus, Christ, Terri. Next time why don't you just lick his spats?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24This is not about changing policy, this is not about running away from our obligations...
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Here you go. I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29There's some of her fingernails in it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- You're not gonna watch your guy give the statement?- No.
0:27:35 > 0:27:41He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here. There's no one quite like me, not here, not any more.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45They won't take them anymore, I've tried.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Series one to five of the X Files - nothing, can't give them away.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54For a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing programme.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57He's exactly why people hate politicians.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01He's making me hate politicians, him in particular.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Any second now he's gonna do the imaginary tits.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08There they are. THEY CHUCKLE
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Thank you.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Look at him.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19Moments like this make you realise why Elvis shot so many TVs.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd