0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains very strong language
0:00:02 > 0:00:05- They're quiet bat people.- Is she sniffing these pens at night?
0:00:05 > 0:00:08What's going on inside her abandoned barn of a brain?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Tickle wasn't the Queen of people's hearts, he was a twat in a tent.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16Tickle! We drove a man to his death! We are responsible for this!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Does this look like a bat?- No. - I should challenge her? - Not necessary.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21She's going to kick her own head in.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Which will be easy for her because she does yoga.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Sam, Hi, listen, can you do me a favour?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card
0:00:33 > 0:00:38that says "sorry you had to go, but let's face it,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42"you are a fucking waste of skin."
0:00:43 > 0:00:45"Waste of skin," yeah.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Yeah, Doug, get the cattle gun ready.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I'm afraid it's gonna be painful, yeah.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52But you know me, I'm always on the look out
0:00:52 > 0:00:54for new sources of powerful opiates.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Morning, I'm looking for Mr Oliver Reeder.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Just down the corridor on the right.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Very good, Bill, very good.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09You weren't funny in London, you're not funny in Salford.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Oh, do I have to do the..? - Yes, please.- Matron knows best, eh?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- I do.- I've got a friend who drinks this stuff.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Give him that, and a bag of macadamias
0:01:17 > 0:01:19and he's made for the night.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Hiya, Mum. Yeah, a bit sore.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Here she is. Britain's latest post-op transsexual.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Do they actually manage to graft one on?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I'll call you back, Mum. It's the scary Morrissey.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- I've come to cheer you up.- Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's one of the many advantages
0:01:36 > 0:01:38of living close to an accident blackspot.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So how are things, little boy from the Secret Garden?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Well, you know, there's no WI-FI,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46there's basic Freeview it's like living in 2003.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48But I am lighter to
0:01:48 > 0:01:50the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- So have you seen this? - Nicola Murray is unelectable?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Fleming is foaming.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Is that it then, is she fucked?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Like Caligula's favourite watermelon.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Fleming's fired the starting pistol,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02so we can all start firing our actual pistols
0:02:02 > 0:02:06onto her fucking fat, unelectable, smug head.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07How... Is this it now?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It's on. It's on like fat Pat's thong.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12We're putting her on a train
0:02:12 > 0:02:15to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, this is the "here to hear" thing.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19A great idea, going round the country listening to people
0:02:19 > 0:02:22tell you that they hate you, just in different accents.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- IN DIFFERENT ACCENTS: - "I fucking hate you",
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"I hate you," "I fucking hate you,"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- so, wait, today's the day? - Today's the day.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34but I need you to set one off later.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not, I'm not wearing any pants. - I don't care if you've been
0:02:39 > 0:02:42dead a year, playing cribbage with Jimmy fucking Saville.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48This is a metaphorical bomb right?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49This is it, Jack fucking Bauer,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53time for you to embrace your inner bastard.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I'll be in touch, right. That wee nurse needs cheering up.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Nice, really nice, Malcolm, those are my flowers.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Easy come, easy go.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Is everything OK?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I've had a stroke. Oh, no, no such luck.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Is that why you're not answering your phone?- I'm finding it quite comforting.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Maybe I'll bring you a shot glass and some bleach.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Hey, only my kids are allowed
0:03:17 > 0:03:19to talk to me like that, and my husband.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Don't forget you're on a train to Bradford soon,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Can you try to arrange for me to be underneath it?- I look forward to our lovely train journey together.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- I look forward to you fucking off actually.- Thanks very much.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Is the Dowager Countess receiving? - Can you give her a minute?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- She's meditating.- Step aside, she's asked to see me.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Morning, oh, God, oh, dear.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38You can get that in large print you know.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Still not knocking, I see, Malcolm.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It's an old habit from my time in the Haitian death squads,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- so how you doing? - The Guardian seem to hate me
0:03:44 > 0:03:47more than the Prime Minister, I mean, what do I expect next,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49am I gonna get spat at in the street by Michael Palin?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52That's highly unlikely, he's really a very, very nice man.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55But on to more serious matters, Mr Tickle is dead.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- What are you gonna do about it? - I'm not going to exploit a suicide.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You can't look a gift corpse in the mouth,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02you should be taking it and slapping the government
0:04:02 > 0:04:04about the face with it, bit of slap with tickle.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Sorry, I just think this is what we should be doing.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Look, fine, it's there as a policy we can use in the extreme,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18but I just, I just want us to try
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and build some momentum through positivity.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24OK, yeah, good luck with that.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That's me being positive, by the way.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30So, it's just a quick chat with Sky, yeah?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Yeah, just give them ten minutes' bullshit
0:04:31 > 0:04:33about how you much prefer them to the BBC,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and then get straight onto the "here to hear" stuff.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It's a very good name "here to hear," well done.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Much better than, what was Olly's effort?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"We're all ears."
0:04:42 > 0:04:43But the "all" was capitalised
0:04:43 > 0:04:46implying that everyone is actually an ear.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Christ in a hot tub, that is truly terrible.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Olympic sprinters don't get paid for the number of hours they run,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53otherwise, if they did,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56the faster you ran, the less they'd actually get paid.
0:04:56 > 0:05:02Oh, God, Duggan, of all people. John, nice to see you again.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04All aboard the Hogwarts express
0:05:04 > 0:05:07for Nicola Potter and the Prisoner of AzkerBradford.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I come bearing broadcast journalists.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Sounds almost sexual, doesn't it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16This is Cath-y, Cathy, so good they named her twice.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- And a cameraman who's name I cannot recall.- I'm Nicholas.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Hello, hi. Nicola Murray.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22This is Helen, my number two.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Ah, unexpected item in bagging area.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I was expecting something more Olly shaped, I'm JD, recently divorced.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Erm, John, maybe...
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Please call me JD, I've rebranded.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Right, so John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Absodutely, I could murder a lager. It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42It's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable
0:05:42 > 0:05:44at any time of day, like a casino or Cardiff.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow or Dublin.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Glenn, mate, guess who?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55No, it's Olly Reeder. Who the fuck's Preston?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58No, all right, listen, I was wondering if you fancied a spot of lunch?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03You know St Thomas' Hospital? Well, let's say St Thomas' Hospital.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Because I'm in St Thomas' Hospital, Glenn.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Yeah, it's a Nigella recipe, you, you,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13you sort of do it with gammon and Coca Cola, it's fantastic.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Ah, the hairless Hagrid? I need a private word. - We're in the middle of something.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I need you lot to make like a tree, and go fuck yourselves.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Yeah, we'll, we'll pick this up later.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26You know, Westminster can often seem to be all about here, here.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30But we want to make it clear that with "here to hear,"
0:06:30 > 0:06:34we are very definitely here to hear.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36So, today, in Bradford,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39we're going to be talking to the good folk of that city,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42that we're there for them, that we are listening
0:06:42 > 0:06:45to their concerns and that we're there to, erm,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48that we're here to hear.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- Great, well.- That OK?- I think that's us done.- Good, good, lovely.
0:06:53 > 0:07:00- Thanks.- Thank you. Oh, are you, that's where you're erm...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We'll be grabbing some GVs and some day in the life shots.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Just some shots of you pretending to work, pretty sure I mentioned it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10You absolutely, definitely didn't mention it, John,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12but that's, yeah, great, nice to spend a bit more time...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Maybe not, in my defence, I am the busiest man in politics.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17One of the three main reasons my marriage broke up.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21She was a Muggle, next wife's got to be a politico.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24I'm sorry I can come back,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, I could do some work but you know what, we're still going to lose.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah, you are the next generation.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And you're in its past. I mean, I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I want to see this turn around. I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- but what's the solution? - Nicola has to go. Today.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Oh, right. - You need to resign.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And challenge her for the leadership?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02That, no, no. That would be petty and self-interested.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06No, you are doing this for the greater good of the party.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11You want me to stick my cock in a fan
0:08:11 > 0:08:14so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Fuck you very much, Malcolm.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16What do I get out of this?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20You might.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Which is why, when you come back,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29it'll be as Foreign Secretary.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for Northern Ireland,
0:08:32 > 0:08:33I'm not fucking going there.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36This is the proper Foreign Secretary with all the perks,
0:08:36 > 0:08:42fuck off breakfasts at Dubai hotels, tours of secret Russian sex shops.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45All right, all right, I'll do it. And you know what?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- I'd have done it for a lot less. - I beg your pardon?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I've underestimated you.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You've been out manoeuvred by a player. It happens.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Yeah, well, didn't used to.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05God, this is absolutely ridiculous.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08We so should have sat separately in first.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11We can't do first class, it's career suicide,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12you might as well do a shit in the aisle.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14SMS ALERT
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I want you to stay smiling looking relaxed.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Ben Swain is resigning.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Shitting quitting.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Fuck off!- Shut up!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30What is it sex scandal? I bet he pays for it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Is he a Gaylord or something?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Grainne thinks it might be a putsch.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That's very good news actually, isn't it?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Just had some independent polling results in.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41That's really encouraging.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43If you could try and get a breakdown of that,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- with a bit more detail that would be...- Sure.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47..terrific.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I think I might go and get a wrap. Does anyone want anything?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- No, thanks.- I quite fancy one of those pizzas
0:09:53 > 0:09:55that's so hot the cheese actually evaporates.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Right, John, can you...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Sorry I thought, are you not going to fasttrack now?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Yeah, I am. All right, I'll get you a fucking pizza.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07She is bonkers.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12I, erm, might also go for a celebratory,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16er, polling wee. That's what I'm going to do, so, John,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18do you want to keep these good people company
0:10:18 > 0:10:20without being too "Duggan" about it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Totes, consider it done. Or about to be done, pre-done.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I'm saying yes, is the gist, basically.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Hello, hi.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Do you want me to do a ring round? - Call Olly.- Why?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Olly and Ben are mates. I'm sorry I have to keep walking,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- this train feels like it's getting very small right now. - It's not it's the same size.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Get Olly to call Ben and tell him to offer him anything he wants,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50anything at all, bigger portfolio, pig roast, whatever, I...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I've just got to keep moving, I have to keep moving.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So go on then, how's life in Nazi HQ,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57is it fun collaborating?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Oh, don't start all that again, I got into government by accident.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Speaking of which, how is Terri?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07She's entering her dog for Britain's Got Talent.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11What's the matter with you?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor
0:11:13 > 0:11:14and that I'm you're only hope.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The answer would be "no," by the way.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Bad luck, no, it's an appendix out.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I hope it is, since your lot took over the NHS
0:11:20 > 0:11:22everything's a fucking adventure.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Look, this is all incredibly entertaining
0:11:24 > 0:11:26but you've called me over in my lunch hour
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many left.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- So, you know all this stuff with Mr Tickle.- Sad business.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Very sad business.- Yeah. Mr Sad is actually very, very sad about it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Yes, Mr Happy on the other hand, fucking delighted.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Mr Stoic's taking it on the chin.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Yes, Mr Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48- Okey-doke.- I need you to dig out an old email for me.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51One of those confidential, "delete after reading" emails,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52that we never did delete?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Remember the email that Nicola sent ages ago,
0:11:55 > 0:11:56where she floated the exact same policy
0:11:56 > 0:11:59that's just got Mannion tickled in a bad way?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- No.- No, because you're 90, but, trust me, it does exist.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06She was completely up for it before she realised that her
0:12:06 > 0:12:08husband's PFI contracts fucked the whole thing.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11That, my friend, is the email I'd like you to dig out.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14So what's going on here, are you starting...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Is Malcolm starting a coup?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19A bit louder, because there's a man in a coma over there,
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Glenn, who didn't quite hear that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Right, wee mission accomplished.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet
0:12:27 > 0:12:29would make a great round on The Cube with Philip Schofield.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Nicola, is it true there's a rumour that Ben Swain is going to resign?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36No, that's not true. I mean it might be true that there's a rumour,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39but that rumour is not true.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- So Ben Swain is completely on side? - Oh, look,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I think Helen in the vestibule, Nicola.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47She wants to, erm, wants to talk to you about your wrap.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50In terms of filling, chicken or, or cheese.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52That's what her body language is telling me. Any how.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Right.- That's probably the first time I've ever used
0:12:55 > 0:12:59the words "wrap" and "vestibule" in the same sentence,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02actually I'm almost certain it is.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- PHONE RINGS - Do you need to get that?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Erm, no, but I do need a wee, so... - All right, take it easy,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- let me give you a hand.- Don't! - I'm sorry.- Not there! All right.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16That's where the appendix usually goes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18MUTTERING TO EACH OTHER
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- He's not actually the grim reaper, just a friend - PHONE RINGS
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Helen, yes. - Some serious shit's going down.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Ben's threatening to resign.- Ben?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Nah, he's just a fucking air bag.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I know he's a fucking air bag,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31but if he goes off now in Nicola's face,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- she'll crash, so you've gotta call and stop him,- OK? We...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35And you've hung up.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Wow, I'm fine, thanks, for asking, Wednesday fucking Addams.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Olly, this is the shittiest lunch break
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuck puppet master at work now.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50'Ben Swain!'
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Benign tumour, bental illness.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Ol... Oliver cyst,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Olivetti spagett...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I don't really have time for chit chat, Olly.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Are you resigning, mate? Are you dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05And I'm not just talking about the rumours.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey hole
0:14:08 > 0:14:12for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- 'Why, what's Nicola offering?' - Name your price.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21All right, Shadow Chancellor.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26- OLLY LAUGHING - Ah, you still got it, Benny.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. - All right, I'll, I'll call you back.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31This is a fucking joke. Ben Swain, Chancellor.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Let's pass it on to the new Glenn. She's about to lose her job,
0:14:38 > 0:14:39so she's more like the old Glenn.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Yes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43'He would like Chancellor.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:44He wants Chancellor.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Just give it to the fucker. - It's fine.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51What? Are you jerking my turkey? Chancellor?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55It's a panicky thumbs up, from the vestibule.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Shit a thimble. Right, well.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'Shadow Chancellor Swain.'
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- You are kidding me! - Deal or no deal?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07I'll take the red box containing the fucking red box,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10thank you, Noel, Ah, that is amazeballs.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Ha! Ben Swain, knocks it out the park.- I'm off.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15No, don't go, just stay there. I'll just use the...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Yeah.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23'Ben small-balled it, she offered him Shadow Chancellor,
0:15:23 > 0:15:24'he's not resigning.'
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Right, how are you getting on with the old man from Up?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Yeah, you know, getting there. - 'Well get a move on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35'I want him leaking like Cliff Richard out jogging.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Right, OK, I'll be right on it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:46Er, OK, Anne to justice, Sanjay to energy and climate change,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and Cuntface to culture media and sport.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Er, so C-face to CMS.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Er, Doug to Scotland, and Frank to international.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Frank to international development. It works, we don't need Ben.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Fuck Ben.- Fuck Ben. - Brilliant, give me some skin,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03palm, I dunno. Sorry.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I wasn't expecting to have to up my offer.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09But that's how a gazumping works, Dan.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Er, what if I were to offer you Deputy Leader of the party?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- I would consider it.- Would you?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- I would consider it briefly, and then say "no."- I see.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oh, here she is, Pippa Middleton, trying to steal the limelight
0:16:22 > 0:16:24with your peachy little arse.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Right, where are we?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I've just offered Ben deputy leadership of the party.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I don't want it. I want Chancellor.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35It's what Nicola's offering me.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Are you sure about this Ben? How's your economics?- Good, strong.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- What you're a PPE guy? - No, History of Art, but...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45You are confident that one day you'll be able to shepherd the country
0:16:45 > 0:16:48out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53including the card that tells you how to play so, so it's over.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- The fat lady's singing. - No, she's not.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58The fat man from the Go Compare advert is talking.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00This is tiger by the tail time,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and I am loving it, loving it, loving it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03In that case you leave me no option, Ben,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I'm gonna have to say "yes."
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Ha, ha, Chumba-fucking-Wumba.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Then I resign on the dotted line.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Can you give us a minute, Ben, please?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Dan and I need to talk some strategy.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Might head in the direction of confection. Any snackage, anyone?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18No, no.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Is this for real?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24I'm offering him Chancellor,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I may as well offer bass player in The Wurzels,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29because that burley haemorrhoid's not in any fucking Cabinet of mine.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Good. So how you gonna shaft him? That's not my problem.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That's your problem, Malcolm.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Right, so this is a little test? You're weighing my balls?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Should we get Ben?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Oh, he'll be back. Like the shit Terminator.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46There he is.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Ben Swain.- I know, she's a crazy woman. Nicola's got to go.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Any time a decision has to be made on anything
0:17:51 > 0:17:54she just starts flapping about like Christ in a crucifix shop.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56She's a nightmare.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59She backed the hospital flats sell off, a man is dead because of that policy.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh wind it up, Polly fucking Toynbee.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03All right fine, think of it this way.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Do it for yourself then, Glenn. Do it for the sheer revenge.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08What has it actually been like, hey?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11The last two years stuck in that fucking office
0:18:11 > 0:18:14being pulled out once a week for a poke and a mop,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16like some kind of fucking dancing bear.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18What's that actually been like?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Absolutely relentless.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22The worst thing is, there's no humour in the cruelty.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24And you could never have said that about me.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27So, do it for yourself and for the party.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30But I need to have that email.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32If you just shut up...
0:18:34 > 0:18:35..I'll do it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You are a diamond, Glenn, not just any form of ancient carbon,
0:18:38 > 0:18:39the best. A diamond.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Do I send it to Malcolm or you? Organ grinder or monkey?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I'm no monkey, not any more. Things have changed there, right?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But, yeah, send it to Malcolm. And CC me, no BCC me.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Bcc you?- Yeah.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I can't find Benjamin Glutton anywhere.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58The massive fuck's gone to ground somehow and nobody's felt the aftershocks.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It's fine, we've sorted it, we've averted Benaggedon.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- No, no, I know about the deal, but he's still resigning.- Are you sure?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Commander Duggan, reporting for duty, what can I sort?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Go away, stop molesting us.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Oh, Glenn, you wrinkled beauty. This is an emergency situation, Nicola,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15you have to break the glass and hit the dead Tickle button.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- No, I don't want to do that. - What don't you want to do?
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Bash the Tickle button.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You need to talk to Sky, call for an inquiry, now.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I really think this could massively backfire.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Is this Tickle? That could be good. - I cannot talk when I'm talking.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You're on the ropes, Nicola, do something fucking drastic.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I don't even know how to refer to him! Do I call him Mr Tickle?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I can't call him Mr Tickle. - You're stuck on a train.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- I fucking know I'm stuck on a train. - Just attack, attack, and do it
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- before Ben's resignation gets out. - Fine, yes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Fine, fine, good. Thank you, Malcolm. Fuck off.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Sky lady, you need to go now, get her immediately.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- I'll just, I need a... - Just take a moment.- Yes, just go.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Ah, Suzy, might shake it up, spray it round the room like a...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Obviously I won't.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You can't have champagne in here.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- You're not fucking pregnant.- It's just Prosecco.- Just get on with it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I hereby tweet, I have resigned. More to follow.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Didn't seem that momentous. - How many followers have you got?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12612, or thereabouts.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Christ, let's hope it gets re-tweeted,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16otherwise you might just as well
0:20:16 > 0:20:18just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21The word I would use Cathy is "disgraceful."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You know, I think this government has behaved appallingly
0:20:24 > 0:20:28in the tragic case of this nurse that has died.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32And the tragic events that lead to the death of Mr, er,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35a missed and valued member of society,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38are now going to have to come under scrutiny.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Great, thank you, Nicola.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42We've just had word that Ben Swain is thinking...
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Thank you. Nicola has to take a very urgent call, thank you so much.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I have to get off this train, I'm hyper fucking ventilating.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- I'll get the door. - And leave Duggan where he is, because he's just flotsam now.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Not flotsam, er jetsam, the other one, jetsam.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'm pretty certain that was a genuinely urgent call.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I'm sure she'll be back to say a few words about Ben Swain.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Four letter ones?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Funny.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09No, she hardly swears at all actually, the occasional "shit."
0:21:09 > 0:21:13I'm gonna kill Ben Swain, I'm gonna fucking, fucking kill Ben Swain.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18I'm gonna get some fucking giant Yorkie, and ram it down his gizzard.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- OK, better?- Are we there? - It's good to let it out, I think.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Once I get out in the air... - We're gonna do a ring round.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I'm going to leave Mary to you, she's a bit HRT-ish.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Go, go, go.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Kate, hi, can I count on your support?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Sorry, I am a bit out of breath
0:21:34 > 0:21:36it's just because just because I'm running up a ramp.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39No, no, not with a view to jumping off.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44That's brilliant, that's great news. Thank you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Hello, Bill.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Is it safe to assume we can count on your support then, love?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52OK, that's fantastic, I knew I could trust you.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Lazy fucking shyster.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Mary, I was really hoping I could count on your support.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Well, I'm disappointed to hear you say that, I must say,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05because If I'm honest, Mary, you sort of
0:22:05 > 0:22:07brought some of this on yourself, really.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Well, in that you had quite a lot of time off before being diagnosed.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13All right, Mary. Thank you, bye.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Fucking fibroid polyp bitch.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21We can still do it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Do you want a bit of lippy or something?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Do I need it?- Yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32OK, Ben, Big Ben tells us that it's resignation time. Are you pumped?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, I'm pumped, pumped to the fucking max.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38If I was a petrol pump I'd be making that clicking sound.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, Olly, you foxy lady.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43The press have been hoofing an email about that proves
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Nicola agreed with this key worker housing scheme.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Sweet. Suzy, can I get some powder?
0:22:48 > 0:22:53Oh, Glenn, my trusty crusty. I've just had my boney buttocks saved.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an application
0:22:56 > 0:22:58that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00So, how do I look?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Has that suit got a reinforced trouser arse on it?- Ha-ha, very funny,
0:23:03 > 0:23:04what, a joke that I'm going to shit myself?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, you're going to need it for the ten years
0:23:07 > 0:23:10you'll be on the back benches. The email trail about the key worker housing shows
0:23:10 > 0:23:13that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain
0:23:13 > 0:23:16were gleefully in favour of it, just like Nicola.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You... erm...
0:23:19 > 0:23:20There you go. Break a leg, love.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23And your neck and your wrist, it doesn't really matter.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31I never act on impulse, I'm so not impulsive
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and Malcolm made me do it and now, fuck.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35What?
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that
0:23:40 > 0:23:47I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Malcolm made me do it. - Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53You've met Malcolm.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I would have said that it was ethically bad, I'm sure. I said...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Brilliant, courtesy of the Telegraph website you said,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"Great revenue raiser but I'm afraid it's a no-no
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"because of my bloody husband."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm sorry, why would you do that?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10You remember all your emails, do you?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11That you sent three years ago?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14From what I understand from Olly, a large number were sent
0:24:14 > 0:24:16to that married producer on the Daily Politics.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Olly is a fucking...because...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23He was supposed to leave her and...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26OK, while we're on our way back to London maybe
0:24:26 > 0:24:29we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses?- Tell you what,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34why don't you make the little list
0:24:34 > 0:24:37and shove it up your tight cold arse.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I just need to stare.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Have a good stare.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I believe that this government should be attacked
0:24:46 > 0:24:50for its involvement in the tragic death of Mr Tickel.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54But I do not believe that Nicola Murray is fit to lead such an attack
0:24:54 > 0:24:58because email evidence has clearly shown that she herself,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02when a minister, supported the exact same proposals.
0:25:02 > 0:25:08Er, as for a brief and regrettable period of time did I.
0:25:08 > 0:25:14And so it turns out I will not be seeking a front bench position in the foreseeable future.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Dan. Yeah, Blinkey's gone.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Yeah, don't ask how I did it, but I'm on my way over.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Get some sexy underwear on. Wear a basque.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Are you backing Dan Miller for the leadership?- I can't reply to those questions at the moment.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- PHONE RINGS - Hello.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Olly, how the shit has this happened?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Ben's gone and I'm about to.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Er, I'm sorry about that.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40You're not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you cos I'm really tired
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Nicola, if you fight this, it's just going to be one of those long slow
0:25:48 > 0:25:50agonising deaths.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52'I might still recover though.'
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I mean, maybe you should come on board a bit more,
0:25:55 > 0:25:56maybe be my number one?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Sorry, it's career cancer, I would say, terminal.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I'm sorry Nicola, this is it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Is it?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Right.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I am sorry.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I really thought I could be Prime Minister.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Did you?- Yes, didn't you?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Yes. Of course.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Against a parade of top-hatted turds, how could I not win?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I don't know.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Can you ring James actually?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Because he'll just be all smug on the phone and then
0:26:28 > 0:26:32I'm gonna end up asking for a divorce and that's exactly what he fucking well wants me to do
0:26:32 > 0:26:36and I just know I'm going to end up with the fucking kids.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Right, come on, folks, gather round. Grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking vuvuzelas,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43this is what we've been waiting for, it's the queen's fucking speech.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Hello, everybody.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Thank you very much for coming here at such short notice,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I will be reading a short prepared statement.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Come on, this is history in the making.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56This is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support
0:26:59 > 0:27:04- of my party.- You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05'It is for this reason
0:27:05 > 0:27:10'and with a heavy heart that I have decided to stand down as leader.'
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Sam, get me Fatty on the phone.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Tell him he's won a hamper.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17He needs to know the line and tow the line.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You. Bland fucking robot droid, clear that shit out of there.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22We need to get a draft in here to blow away
0:27:22 > 0:27:24the stench of fucking failure.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!
0:27:26 > 0:27:30'The only thing I love more than my party is my family
0:27:30 > 0:27:33'and I look forward to spending more time with my husband James
0:27:33 > 0:27:36'and with my children Ben, Katie...'
0:27:36 > 0:27:38And here he is, the anointed one.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Oh, please, please I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I think Nicola's just finishing herself off here.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51(Nicola, Nicola this way this way.)
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Oh shit.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Oh, God, here we go.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Do you feel you've been stabbed in the back, Mrs Murray?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59She won't be answering any questions at this time, thank you.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Will you be backing Dan Miller?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Can you hear that sound?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Underneath the champagne corks popping, there's another sound.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07The sound of the government's arses
0:28:07 > 0:28:08yawning open.
0:28:08 > 0:28:14Because we have got ourselves a superb leader-in-waiting.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Who's going to stick the boot into those coked-up
0:28:17 > 0:28:20cousin-fucking chinless aliens.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22CLAPPING
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- Thank you very much.- We have got some work to do with you.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30What will you be doing this evening?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32'Will it be Dan Miller?'
0:28:32 > 0:28:33'Thank you all very much.'
0:28:33 > 0:28:36'Any regrets in the last two years?'
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Do you have a legacy?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Worst leader in living memory?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Get hold of Claire Ballentine by the ears, if necessary.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Tell her she's on the World Tonight tonight.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Nicola's security pass. Get it altered.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49She gets into the lobby and the canteen. And that's it.