0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08- Tickel's dead.- What?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11This is an emergency situation, You have to bash the Tickel button.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13You should all for an inquiry. Now.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15That's why I'm calling for an inquiry.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I need to have that email.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I'll do it.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself?
0:00:25 > 0:00:29'I have decided to stand down as leader.'
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Ding Dong! The useless bitch is dead.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Oh, God. Here we go.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Do you feel you've been stabbed in the back, Mrs Murray?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39She won't be answering any questions.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Are you backing Dan Miller for Leader?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thank you all very much.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51"Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Farewell our shit and useless servant.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55At least Miller's a step up from Murray.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57He doesn't have Left and Right on his wellies.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I need your attention for thirty of your earth seconds.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- This is what will happen. - What is Stewart doing?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05You will go to the Z drive.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11You find a file entitled "Miller's Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring".
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Open, ingest, implement. And after that, I expect both of you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You two, to get together.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Oh, fuck, the man made of space hopper is coming this way.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24This is going to be about the inquiry.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I'm thinking I should resign now.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27What?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You can't do that. You're Aslan, no-one shaves your mane.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I'm not a fucking lion, Phil.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man
0:01:34 > 0:01:36who died because of a policy I signed off on.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We all know how this is going to end.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I, I, I should take the dignified way out.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44You've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Yeah.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one
0:01:50 > 0:01:52of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. - Free travel passes or something.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It's another one of Adam and Fergus' 'Pop Up Book of Policies'.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Peter Mannion. Lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Peter, I'd love to introduce you to 'The Carers'...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I've just met them.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's
0:02:11 > 0:02:13going to nail me up like fucking Barabbas.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he was a criminal.- Wait.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19We could wrong-foot Murray.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- How?- You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Wider? That's mental! We want to shut it down.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Just hear me out.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28We could look into the whole culture of PFI procurement.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- That is a good idea.- Really? - Fuck, that hurt to say.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34But she's right, because Murray's husband's involved in PFI
0:02:34 > 0:02:36and he's as dodgy as a Russian... As a Russian.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38We can backspin it, Peter. It's good.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43But...but... Is revenge a mature response? Let me think. Yes, it is.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Right, let's poke her in the PFI's.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Hello, again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Terri, I've got a job for you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Ah, Peter. This is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Is it getting the old adrenalin pumping?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Assuming you can squeeze past the port and stilton? - Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Ah, we need to widen the inquiry into the Mr Tickel's death
0:03:11 > 0:03:13to include the issue of PFI contracts.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Great. OK.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I'm just working on Fergus's Carer's Pass press release...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Thank you.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Slip into neutral for a moment here, Peter.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25We haven't got a green, so let's not hit the accelerator.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Here's another way of looking at it. Let's. Goodbye.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31So, we heading home?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33No, back to the office.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Oh. Really?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Lots of people there have worked incredibly hard for me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They're going to want to see me to say a proper goodbye.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Of course. Yeah, I'm sure that's true.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh, Christ, there's that fucking chop!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49You've been chopped, Mrs Murray! How does it feel to be chopped?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You're a little bit late actually, Mr Chop.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You've... you've had your chips! Ha-ha!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59That is precisely why I didn't let you go to the One Show.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Olly, for God's sake pick up. I've had it. I'm coming in from the cold.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm, I'm re-crossing the floor.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Oh, Glenn! These are the carers. This is Jack, and this is Rohinka.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Hello.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I'm really sorry for your loss.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Mannion's called for a PFI enquiry.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, that's going to put the cat among the pussies.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21We need to show that we were never in favour PFI and that we never
0:04:21 > 0:04:24approved of the sell off of key-worker housing. However...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27In a way that doesn't make us look like dicks for not saying so
0:04:27 > 0:04:30at the time or shits for saying so now.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- You know, we don't have much time. - Well, let's just bin the Carer's Pass launch. Just bin it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It's spring conference in two weeks. The Dungaree Jubilee.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39That kind of stuff is exactly what the conference needs.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42But we've been here for three years and we've done fuck all.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43We haven't done fuck all.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44No, no, seriously, think about it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47In that time, Apple have launched two iPhones,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49three iPads and their boss is a fucking dead guy!
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Yeah.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Let's just push it till the end of the day.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55OK, we'll push it near the end of the day, but you know the... Robyn.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Hello, Robyn.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58That, in fact, is my name.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Take a seat.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I know it's your name, because it was at the top of a redundancy list
0:05:03 > 0:05:05that I've just looked at.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Blind Man's Crumpet's on the way up. If you're going to film her, try not to make it obvious.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15And no smiling. Not even a wee fucking Anne Robinson, right?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The look we're going for should be solemn respect.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You know, like blokes modelling underpants.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Oh, hang on. Mannion's calling for a wider inquiry.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He's what?!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29He's trying to drag you in - shift the focus to the PFI conflict
0:05:29 > 0:05:31with your husband's company.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32No, no! No, no, no, no, no!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Fuck! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Go up there and smile for starters.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Yes, Dan! Dan, Dan can put the lid on this, can't he?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Course he can, because he is actually quite good.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I'm probably going to get quite emotional, might get quite teary
0:05:45 > 0:05:48if I can find an onion or somebody to pluck my pubes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49- Robert!- Yes, sir?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- I want you to get over to Fatty's.- Yeah.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Make sure he's not hiding a leadership challenge from me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Frisk him if necessary, all 300 of his folds. Get to it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I will, do some small-talk, best wishes stuff,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03and then I'll just casually bring up the inquiry.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Or, no! No, no, I should cut straight to the inquiry,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07shouldn't I?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Oh, fuck, I don't know how to play this. Um...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13This is why they got rid of me, isn't it? Isn't it?!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- No, no... - This is it, this is it!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- No, there were other reasons.- Fuck! - Come on, let's go.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Seat of the pants airways.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Are you smiling? I can't see your face. Make sure you're smiling.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, here she comes. Yes, hello.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Ha, Thank you. Thanks very much.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I hope you're not clapping because I've gone.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Ha-ha! Um, seriously, I, er, I feel over the past two years,
0:06:35 > 0:06:40I've given it my best shot.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And I'm quite sure that my, er, successor,
0:06:43 > 0:06:48whoever he or she may be, will achieve the victory
0:06:48 > 0:06:50that this country badly needs.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I've got some, some very, er...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56strong memories from working here, and I'll, um...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I'll keep those with me, for ever.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01So thank you guys. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
0:07:01 > 0:07:07Thank you. Thanks so much. Thanks for everything. Dan!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It feels a bit odd for me to add to your speech,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12but I will be tweeting a tribute later.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Oh, that's nice. Thank you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I was just wondering if we could just have a private word
0:07:16 > 0:07:19in my office, in your... Well, in, in, this office.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Umm, yep.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Yes? Great. Thank you.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Oh! Ha-ha! Don't know where to sit!
0:07:30 > 0:07:36I, er, actually I'll just grab... One of those.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42so if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But you only beat me on a technicality.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I mean the thing is, Dan, you know, pragmatically,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I'm now a party grandee.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You are not a grandee, you're a fucking blandee.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14No substance, no weight.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20By the way, women fucking hate you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23I can show you the polling.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30The best thing you ever did in your flat-lining non-leadership
0:08:30 > 0:08:31was call for an inquiry.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Because that will fuck the government, and it will fuck you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41and prepare for your column in Grazia.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- Steady on Malcolm, that's a bit strong.- Come on, let's go.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51OK, you... Well, you just need to know that you have absolutely
0:08:51 > 0:08:53fucking done it now, Malcolm.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Because you're about to find out what it feels like
0:08:55 > 0:08:57to have me pissing into your tent.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, you know what?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some
0:09:02 > 0:09:05unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream
0:09:11 > 0:09:14into your own fucking face. There's your golden handshake.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Finished?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You're finished.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19We'll see.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Right. Well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Also might want to think about the fact there should be
0:09:25 > 0:09:27an apostrophe in 'it's'. Illiterate fuckers.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32What did Dan say about the inquiry?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Fucking Dan! He's just a... He's basically just a bent dummy
0:09:35 > 0:09:38with Malcolm's hand shoved up his arse. Fucking..!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- All right, just calm down. - Bastards.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Do you want some Rescue Remedy? - No.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Do you want me to send for some noodles?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47No, I don't want fucking noodles!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I just...
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Oh, God.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I just... I just want a fucking break.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Mmm.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think we both need to think about where we're at.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You know, trajectory and so on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Bollocks.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12I don't want you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I just didn't want everybody to go on the same day, that's all.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I'm fine. I've got me from here.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Box.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Box.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Fucking box.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Bingo! We just need to leak it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"since the invention of theatre."
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Does that give us enough distance from Mannion?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Oh, yeah. This is your 'Get Out of Jail Free' card strapped to a fucking jet-pack.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49We just need to leak it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Well, obviously it can't look like it came from us.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back. He's been out on a limb since punk hasn't he?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Thousand year old Glenn Fiddich?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Yeah, fucking perfect. He'll love it. - Olly, look, I'm feeling very exposed here.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs
0:11:03 > 0:11:07and the fucking pigeons are circling.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Look, please, just, just ring me back.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Mr Cullen, we would like you to leak...wow...this.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Don't worry. Nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance
0:11:19 > 0:11:21between Fergus and the Tickel affair.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What? I go from being a turnip to a leak.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Still a fucking vegetable to you though, eh?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You want to bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Well, of course I do. The up-his-arse Kensington Butcher.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you
0:11:35 > 0:11:36to break into his afternoon brandy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38This is it, Glenn, you're off the bench
0:11:38 > 0:11:41and back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Come on, mate.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Pick it up.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Good man. Thank you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I don't need to shake your hand.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- All right. Touchy but not feely. - Go. I'll have a look.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57You are a brilliant bullshitter.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yeah, well. Two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02PHONE RINGS
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Hello, Malcolm.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Are you telling me he's still in a fucking ba... Sorry, excuse me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Hello, Charlie Bucket. Hang on a sec.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Tell him to get out of the fucking bar, or I will come along
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and personally set fire to the whisky-soaked bastard.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Hey-hey! You're missing all the excitement.- Yeah, no, no.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I've been following developments on Sky News,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24where they have actually stitched Dan Miller's head
0:12:24 > 0:12:25to Usain Bolt's body.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Yes, well, get in a cab and get over here right now.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30What me? You want me over there?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Of course I want you here. You are now my right hand man.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Is this one of those jokes where I turn up and you go
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Ha-ha, my right hand, that's what I wipe my arse with"?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41That's a risk you're going to have to take.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44All right, well, as soon as I'm signed off by a consultant, I'll...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Oh, who cares about the opinion of some golf-obsessed prick in a bow tie?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Just scoop your guts up, put them in a fucking wheelbarrow and come over.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Love you too.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Robyn. Carer's Pass has timed out, yeah?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Bundle the Munchkins out of the building, get them in tomorrow.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Right. Can we get them something for their travel?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Well, thanks to the Carer's Pass they get free travel!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09But it hasn't come in yet.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11So no.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Umm, it looks like we're not going to launch the Carer's Pass today.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Um, but we were wondering, could you come back at the same time tomorrow?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I don't know. Erm...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Have you got anything on? I mean, you know,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33apart from the full-time round-the-clock
0:13:33 > 0:13:35medical care of your families?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Ah ha! It's his Ollyness!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Olly, whose initiation rite into our little cabal of shitty devils here,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46will be to go over and visit Fatty,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and to present him with this as a means of getting him
0:13:49 > 0:13:53to shelve his ludicrous leadership ambitions.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Show him this.- Oh!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Jesus, Malcolm! You could have left it in the envelope.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01OK, come on everybody! Let's get to it.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06I want Dan to wake up to the news that any opposition is Brian Jones.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Meaning?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Dead in the water.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Oh, yeah, right.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Could you?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Glenn!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What are you doing at my computer?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favour.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32A leak! Coming from my computer? No. No. Get off. Get off.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Take that...whatever it is, out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40No-one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Look, you do this for me,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No questions asked, with full pension.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And a lump sum.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Yeah. I guess. Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The thing is, Glenn, I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Without a lump sum, no tea shop. No can do.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59OK, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at The Guardian. Yeah?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00OK.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Right.- Can we do it together?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03What?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Please. Just your hand on mine, my hand on yours. Just to it together. Like, um...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Yes, OK.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Not that I'm saying you're butch.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13No, of course not.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16One, two, three.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Just send the email.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Let's take a little imagination stroll
0:15:25 > 0:15:28through a virtual enquiry, huh?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I just want to get an overview, Peter.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37A helicopter shot of where we currently are.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Who's most to blame in the blame garden.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43OK, the onion is PFI, let's peel back some layers.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Murray resignation. How do we feel about that?- What's Tickel's M records?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Medical. It's his leaked medical records.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Leaked? I thought they were common knowledge.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Well, they are now. Because they have been leaked.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Did you know this?- Number 10 knew, so I knew, yeah.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58What about you?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Yeah, I thought Tickel leaked them himself.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You'd have to be mad to do that.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07He was mad. That's precisely what his records said.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Exactly. He was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records is illegal.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Now I look guilty and incompetent.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Ah! Peter, incompetent.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Oh, shit with a capital shit. We've got to go.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Great.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31No, no, no. Sit.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33The Guardian have received an e-mail from Fergus.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Actually, do you know, strike that. Chain of emails.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Oh, perfect. With all of our comments about Mr Tickel underneath.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Oh, God. Not the one where we all piled in with the Mr Men jokes?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Yes, that one, Phil.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Oh, you kid me. - Jesus!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46I kid you not!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Oh my giddy fuck.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49They've leaked all the bloody emails.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"Mr Tickel sounds like a gropey clown at a kid's party".
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I can't see! Can I make it bigger?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Go to settings. "Poor Ickle Mr Tickel, perhaps he's meant to be sickle".
0:16:59 > 0:17:00That's from Fergus.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Is this settings?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Ah! I think I've just taken a picture of my feet.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06PHONE RINGS
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Yep?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11What? Where?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Right. I don't know.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16OK. Rugby tackle him, or, or taze him. Gaffer tape him to a seat.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17He can't come up here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Er...Glenn is in reception.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Glenn?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Why are you even fucking telling me that?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry,
0:17:30 > 0:17:31he just stamps on it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Yes.- She doesn't even know.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37OK, OK. I'll go and stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41'..the whole enquiry into the whole culture of leaking...'
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Sam, Sam! Get me Stewart Pearson on the phone!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Olly, shouldn't you be in bed?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Shouldn't you not be here?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Whoa, stop, stop, whoa! You can't go up there.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53No, I have to. I can't go back over there.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57It's like Alien versus Predator. I want back in! Here!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Everybody is tremendously appreciative of what you've done.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It was a noble sacrifice, but...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05What do you mean, sacrifice? I thought we had a deal?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Sacrifice sounds very one sided.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Piss off sounds one sided, but there we go.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Hey, Malcolm.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You don't try and talk it into leaving of its own volition.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I got rid of Nicola for you. You owe me.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Look, I know you think I screwed up,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You, my friend. You don't exist to me any more.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I can't even fucking hear you.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Do you want me to beg? Is that it?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Because I will.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Listen, Mary Queen of fucking Shits.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45In the old days we would have just slit you up the middle
0:18:45 > 0:18:47like a fucking Cornish pasty.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Hang your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Catch you later, you fucking traitor.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Sam, what is it? - A call from Stewart Pearson.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Stewart Pearson. I'm the fucking wanker's lodestone today!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Stewart, yes. The goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's a no, Glenn.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Yeah, Malcolm can this wait, Mmm?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into
0:19:15 > 0:19:17our complex network of secret burrows?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Open up the whole of Watership Down?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22OK 'Bright Eyes'. I'm massively fucking reassured.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Now, I have to go, Malcolm,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Could I use your pass to go to the loo again?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Thing is, if my swipe card is being monitored, then it's either
0:19:34 > 0:19:37going to look quite like I'm skiving or have a bladder condition.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43The primary thing I want to say first and foremost
0:19:43 > 0:19:45is you can't blame me for this, Peter.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Meeting room!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Right. Sit down.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- I can't resign. - No.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58And I'm not going to resign.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I had the perfect moment to, right early on,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05and you both advised me not to resign.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08So now, I. Can't. Resign.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09You shouldn't resign, Peter.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11This is going to happen. One of you has got to go.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Erm, because, because, I'm a Special Advisor to...a...senior cabinet.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23That is not a reason.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27That's just your job, from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I...know...everything about you.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I am a, a world expert in, in, in Peter Mannion.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38From, er...pin number to inside leg measurements.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm, I'm, I'm there, you know...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42What's his inside leg measurements?
0:20:42 > 0:20:4534. I've, I've given you everything, Peter.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You can't, I mean, I don't have anything else. That's the point.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I don't, I don't have any friends. I don't have any life.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I haven't had sex for five years, and I, I don't even enjoy it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So, you know, I'm not going to get anyone pregnant.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I'm never going to get anyone pregnant, OK? I'm fucking seedless.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Where as she's just, just a fucking baby bomb! OK?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05And she's going to go off all over the office and, and leave you!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06I'm going to be here!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- I'm sorry, but my good name is at stake here.- Oh, Christ.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the "DoSac One".
0:21:12 > 0:21:14That's it. I've had enough. I've had enough of all of you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You're all shit. I'm going to sort it out, by myself.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Did you hear that?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- I can't bear that you think about me like this.- Don't follow me. - No, please!
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Stop following me.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I insist, I insist. Peter, please.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27All right, I admit it. I'm in love with you.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Now fuck off to your office and organise the wedding.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Mannion goes Mel Gibson.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Spot it.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- You know what you've done? - Yeah?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37You bought a fan. You've plugged it in,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39you've turned the dial up to maximum...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It wasn't a weak fan. Not one of those office fans.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Did a liquid shit on it. - Trousers down.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49And where did the shit go? All over Mannion.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50PHONE BEEPS
0:21:50 > 0:21:51That's just priceless.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Fuck, hang on.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54What?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Uh, check the fucking emails.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What are you talking about?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What the fuck did you give to Glenn?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Just the email...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- But it's the whole... We're on the email!- Oh, fucking hell.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Why did you, why did you leave us on the dongle?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08No, no, no no, no. No! No!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it!
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Why did you give him the choice?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Because an email has a chain, Fergus. It has a chain, and it goes all the way down.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Adam, there is now shit all over me! - Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I just wanted one solid shit, to go in one direction.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Not Madras, fucking everywhere!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Alastair, yeah, it's Peter Mannion.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I just wanted to give you a nudge on this.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39The real story here isn't all this jokey email nonsense,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43it's that Mr Tickel's medical records were illegally acquired.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Yeah.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48He's been the victim of Mr Blag.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52OK. Bye.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Hi. I just...needed a pen.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Would you like a pen?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03As a small recompense for the vital, vital work that you do...
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I'll tell you what I'd like. I'd like a departmental in ten regarding leakage.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10And as of now, your department's in lockdown.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12No emailing, no Diving Bell and Butterflying,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14no communication, nada!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Just a little piece of electric paper, that's all.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Off the record,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21there are a number of machines that emails can be set to.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Why would I know anything about this email? Why me? Thank you.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28PHONE RINGS
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Comms. Off the phones. Now.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Oh, my...I think I've just perjured myself.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Can you perjure yourself on the phone, or is it only a court thing?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm so sorry for the delay. I promise it won't be much longer.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And that's not a political promise. That's a real promise. Ha-ha-ha!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Hey!
0:23:45 > 0:23:482,000-year-old man! Why the fuck did you send the whole email?! Huh?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You were supposed to redact it, send the top email,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55not the whole fucking exchange.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Jesus Christ on a crystal meth binge!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Terri and I sent what you gave me.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Terri?!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Why the fuck... The only reason I'd ever ask Terri for help,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09is to shoot me, if I ever ask Terri for help!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Same reason you gave it to me. Distance.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Two people! Twice the distance!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Terri doesn't give us any distance! Terri gives me a twitch! Right here!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Laugh it up, Glenn. I've got a twitch called Terri!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I am actually here, you know.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# Fuck you very much. #
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Five minutes guys, yeah?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Thanks.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Glenn, what about my tea shop?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It got closed. There's been a murder.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42An inquiry into all of leaking. All of leaking.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45We are so...we are so screwed.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47He's done it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50That chinless horse fiddler, our fucklustrious PM has opened
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Pandora's fucking Box and curled a massive steamer right into it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59In the time it has taken for Terri to extract
0:24:59 > 0:25:02herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08It's not going to be something that we can see from space.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It's going to be space!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Brian Cox is going to phone me, and ask for the film rights!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16But what leak, what leak, what fucking leak?!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Anything! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I will make sure they have to emigrate after this, to a country
0:25:24 > 0:25:26where they don't speak English and there's no internet.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28But everyone who leaked anything,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32We're just a drop in the ocean here.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36No, no, what you are Peter, is leak zero. It started here.
0:25:36 > 0:25:42You have presided over a shambolic showering of info. Peter Mannion.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Singin' in The Rain"
0:25:44 > 0:25:46PHONE RINGS
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Oh, Christ. Hello, Malcolm!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Right, was this your idea?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Malcolm, look. I'm as shocked about this as you are.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Yes, you sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59I don't even know what that is.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04What the fuck is going on?!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06All right, Fergus. What the fuck is going on?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10The Ark has been opened. And your face is going to melt.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11There's going to be an inquiry.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19because this is making mince meat of my head.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23It's the end of the world as we know it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28To paraphrase a popular fucking Bangles song.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It's... it's REM.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37OK, Robyn, it's over to you. It's show time.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Let's just give it another five minutes.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43There's still a blogger from the Huffington Post to come.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Is that it?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47It looks like a paedophile's funeral.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It doesn't matter. We've got to get out of here ASAP.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57If a government can't leak, do you know what happens?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Dark shit builds up and then it bursts.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04And that's something you don't want to see. You think your appendix was bad.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Hi, and welcome to the launch of Carer's Pass.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11You know, we thought long and hard about how,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14in these straitened times, we could help those
0:27:14 > 0:27:17who don't help themselves, but rather help others.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Please give it up for The Carers.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23This is the gift that's going to go on giving, believe you me. So you better keep your head down.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favourite glory holes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Well, whereas your closet is completely free of skeletons isn't it, Malcolm?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Cos you've buried them in a landfill in Essex.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Oh, yeah, sorry, and just to say that we're very proud to say that
0:27:36 > 0:27:41this, this policy has been pushed through by our party.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46We do have a voice in this coalition, and it is being heard.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's your fucking come face, isn't it?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Hi, my name's Rohinka.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02OK, when they dry up, just jump in. Do a quick Q&A and wrap it up, yeah?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Who am I? Fucking Kirsty Wark?
0:28:04 > 0:28:05No.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10..lead a normal life. So, this Carers Pass is a blessing, really.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I, Peter Mannion.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Stewart Pearson.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16- Fergus Williams. - Adam Kenyon.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Emma Florence Messinger.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Philip Bartholomew Cornelius Smith.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Teresa Jessica Coverley.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Robyn Murdoch.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Glenn Cullen. - Oliver Francis Reeder.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Nicola Alison Murray.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I, Malcolm Tucker, do declare that the evidence I give
0:28:29 > 0:28:31will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.