0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language from the start and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08We're on dual commentary. Yeah, like the tennis.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I'm surprised Sue Barker doesn't sink her teeth into his thighs, aren't you?
0:00:13 > 0:00:17OK, team, we need to get it out there that the police arrest backlog
0:00:17 > 0:00:19is not a DoSAC FUBAR, OK?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22The Home Office cut paperwork, there are more bobbies on the beat.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24No-one to process them at the stations.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28I doubt there are any major criminals on the loose, this is about paperwork,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30it's not Con Air! I mean, I wish it was!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- That to Peter. - Oh, good morning, Minister!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34How did it go with the DPM?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oh, so that good. I've got to go.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Anyone read Wolf Hall?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm just shuttling messages between them.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I'm like a blue-bottomed fly, frankly. Ah! From Fergus.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49It's the one set on a plane.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No, that's Snakes on a Plane.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Heaven's sake!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Look, Phil,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern because...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process
0:01:04 > 0:01:06their arrests quick enough, so why am I the one
0:01:06 > 0:01:09who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Since the inquiry DoSAC looks toxic and weak. They're trying to pile
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- all the Government's ills on us. - Whose fault's that?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I said I'm sorry about the inquiry, OK?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I started writing you a letter but it seemed pretentious. If it's consolation,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at a swimming gala.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29It's of no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Yeah, you too. OK, bye.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Oh, God!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I just felt my ovaries cringe!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Peter, quick reminder, Think Socially,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- the social enterprise scheme, we're launching it tomorrow.- Sod that!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I need to keep a low profile, give it to Fergus and Adam.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Sorry, Han, can I just put you on pause there?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- I'm in the minister's office. - Oh, great!- Oh, no, the proper one!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I'm just pausing you there. Mary Drake.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00From the Home Office, she's going to come over, fancies a chat.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04But I told old Iron Blouse that I'd talk to her presently!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- What part of that sentence doesn't she understand? - Just thought you'd like to know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Don't want to be accused of being a barricade or anything!
0:02:10 > 0:02:11ALL: Blockage.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Look, things were said at that inquiry, Terri...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16They certainly were.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Well, can you just be a fucking professional and get Fergus in here?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I am an F-wording professional.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Wait, wait, Terri, can you give this to Fergus,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and tell him he's going to front Think Socially tomorrow?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter, may I just...- No, you may not.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I thought we weren't talking to the Proclaimers.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't want
0:02:36 > 0:02:39to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glace cherries.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Sorry. Can I?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Christ, you just can't flush her. - Can I borrow her?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yeah, but there's a fine if you don't bring her back.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48It should be a fine if you DO bring her back.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Ever since this inquiry, Mannion and Fergus,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- their communication has totally broken down.- Yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Which is why we have the double stamp system.- Yeah...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58No decisions without a dual approval, what?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Occasionally, just because of a, well...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03a time-sensitive decision, I have got a stamp from Peter,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06but unfortunately been unable to locate Fergus.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10OK, let's fast-forward to the bit where I don't want to eat my own lips off.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13In order to prevent a Fergal paper jam,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I have stamped certain decisions
0:03:15 > 0:03:17based on what I imagined he might think.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20So, you have approved a policy that Fergus is going to launch,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22that Fergus knows nothing about?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Sort of.- Sort of, or sort of exactly?
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Sort of exactly.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32You're telling me that you have been running parts of this country?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Ha-ha! "Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me for two departments
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"to fuck up on the same day?" "Yes, I can!"
0:03:40 > 0:03:44So, this government arrest backlog is a really lovely gift token...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Mmm.- The question is, what does Daddy buy with it?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Err, you, the daddy man, err, you could...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54how about you point up the split between the HO and DoSAC?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Take the sort of, a "government divided" route.- Nice.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a Gypsy wedding.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08PHONE RINGS
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, I do apologise, excuse me. I need to take this.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- We need to drop Malcolm.- Right. - I can't get on my high horse
0:04:16 > 0:04:19about crime issues the day after my director of communication
0:04:19 > 0:04:22may have, ie definitely HAS, committed perjury.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27And I like getting on my high horse.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I look good on it. Like a knight.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32So they're actually going to pursue this?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Right. Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Listen, I need a police station with a lot of exits and entrances,
0:04:43 > 0:04:44in case the press show up.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Sam. Sam, Sam. Brentford, right, OK.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Listen, Sam. Get a hold of Greg Fraser for me. I need some hard lawyering.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- OK.- Pink. Pink, pink flowers.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Pink.- For my mother. It's her 80th birthday.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Lovely big bouquet of pink ones.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Lovely. How are you doing?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I'm bitchin', yes, I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Great. I was thinking, Malcolm...
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Maybe you should take a bit of time off, just maybe tour the Highland distilleries,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13or whatever it is your people do, you know? Take up stunt kiting.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Well, we don't take advice from a guy who looks like he gels his hair by sticking it up a cow's vagina.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19All right, fair enough.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Here's an idea that you could pitch to Millertron 3,000.- Yes.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Get him to go to a police station, yeah?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- But pick a big one, right?- Right. - Lewisham. It's more impact in a big one.- Yeah, yeah.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- But make sure you get as many press there as possible.- Yeah. OK.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Dan Miller is visiting a police station.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38What? Why? Why, why aren't I visiting a police station?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Why didn't you think of that? - Yes, why didn't you think of that? - I did, I nearly did, OK?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I was about to think of that. Christ, it's like Harry Potter all over again.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I thought of that, I just didn't write it down.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It was Gandalf at school, but same principle.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Fergus has got an idea about the police backlog, just tell him. - Yeah, I'm going to.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56It is basically an issue of manpower, so we outsource, we get the private sector in to clear it up.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's problem solved, it's obvious, really.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- Yeah, yeah. Yes, you, yes, it is obvious, that's two obvious things you've missed today.- Idiot!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Yeah, what do you think? - No, I think it's good,
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- I mean, private sector dives in and saves us, it plays well for us. - Thank you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Till we get the bill! Cos we got no money.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Anyway, I'm just popping out to Tesco Metro, anyone want a yoghurt?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16No, Glenn, no.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21It ends now. We want a united realm.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23There's no vision in division.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Well, yes, there is. Anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30OK, people, could we briefly form a coherent group?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36OK. Shields up, guys. Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40OK. Terri. Think Socially.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Did I sign off on this?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Because I hadn't heard of Think Socially until I said it just then.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- OK, er...- So what is it? - Simple explanation.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Love to hear it.- Yeah. Very... - Oh, God, here's Mary.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Look, synchronise lies, all right?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Mary, hi, hi. Emma. We met at the away day.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I so enjoyed our mood play.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Yes. You actually did, didn't you?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Ah, you must be the legendary Terri.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I've heard a great deal about you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Oh, please, don't believe everything that you hear. - I fully intend not to.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- Stewart, shakras balanced? - Er...sorry. Tiny bit of housekeeping.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Terri, um, er...Think Socially. Just checking in on that.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double stamped, yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Mary. Great to see you again.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm here in an angry capacity.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30The message from the Home Office is this,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"Move away from the backlog, there's nothing to see.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Sorry to be, er...contrary, Mary. - HE CHUCKLES
0:07:39 > 0:07:43But, er...Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Shut up. Let me tell you something now.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48DoSAC is one rat's whisker away
0:07:48 > 0:07:52from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and put in charge of cocking up the tea run!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And I like mine weak and white.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Like my men.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I will go and try and defrag this situation.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09But I am staying strictly macro.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Subtitles. You need subtitles!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Sorry, er, Think Socially.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving
0:08:16 > 0:08:19a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- It's not my fault, it's the double stamping nonsense, that's the reason. - Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Because, right now, I want to double stamp on your fucking throat.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm taking that seriously as a physical threat.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33You know, one of the many, many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What time are we due at the Mirror?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Oh, not for another hour. - Oh, OK.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Got plenty of time to get into your Boudica mode.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I am woman, hear me roar!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Get your jugs out, get on your chariot.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47SHE CHUCKLES
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Crikey!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I think, given that I'm hoping to get back into cabinet at some point,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I might...keep my jugs in the cupboard.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57THEY CHUCKLE
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Or...I suppose I could always pop one of them out
0:08:59 > 0:09:01if the interview's flagging.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02It's an option!
0:09:02 > 0:09:08Um... I did apologise, didn't I, for telling you to fuck off?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Yes.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Good. Because I, you know, I didn't mean it.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I wouldn't be here if I thought you meant it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I've got plenty of places to fuck off to.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29It's a big funeral home, isn't it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31KNOCK ON DOOR
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- M Tucker.- Olly.- Malcolm.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Um, we need to have a little chat.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38You're not splitting up with me, are you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know. You're not laughing.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, I'm laughing on the inside.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Which is a tad ironic,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested.- Hang on.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Sorry, er...you're going to be arrested at the exact same time
0:09:51 > 0:09:53that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me
0:09:56 > 0:09:58because they'll all be with him.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01So the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station
0:10:01 > 0:10:05at the exact moment as his Head Of Communications is being arrested.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Yes! OK, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- thank you very much.- Look, it's... this is what you have to deal with, right?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It's just another day at the fuck office.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18So now, I have to step into your shoes, but after you've shat in them?
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The rabbits have fallen to pieces,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So somebody else is going to have to help out.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Who says that? - Nobody says that.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47But you are not me, Olly.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48No.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50And you never will be me.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02And trying to be me, you?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months
0:11:05 > 0:11:09before you're a washed-out, weeping alcoholic
0:11:09 > 0:11:12with no fucking bladder control.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And so on and so on, it doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm,
0:11:18 > 0:11:19politics has actually changed.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Oh?- Right. Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit
0:11:23 > 0:11:26for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44You know Jackie fucking Chan about me.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You know fuck all about me!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I don't just take this fucking job home, you know.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Then, it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss
0:12:07 > 0:12:09slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Malcolm is gone, you can't know Malcolm,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19because Malcolm is not here!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24This is a fucking husk.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I am a fucking host for this fucking job.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Do you want this job?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Yeah. - Yes, you do fucking want this job.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Then, you're going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life
0:12:34 > 0:12:37and let it grow inside you like a parasite.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube
0:12:47 > 0:12:49after you've blown your brains out.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I'm as dead as fucking 2 Tone.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56But I can fashion my own exit.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Oh, Christ! What, are you going to fly to Switzerland
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Funny, funny man.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Political exit.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08No, I know.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12I'm going to leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right?
0:13:12 > 0:13:17What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27"No friends, no real friends. No children, no glory, no memoirs."
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Well, fuck them.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34- Hello.- Hello.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of... Oh! I've got to stop saying that.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39- Hello. Helen, hi.- Declan.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Declan, hi.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Nice to see you again. - Yes, again, er...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Do you not remember me?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I, I'm so sorry, you look very familiar,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50but it's just I meet so, well, I met so many people.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51You're for the chop!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52SHE CHUCKLES
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Oh, right. You're... OK!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Uh-huh!- Mr Chop. Yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I'll look forward to giving you a bit of a grilling!
0:14:00 > 0:14:05- Well, this might be your chance, I'm the one doing the interview. - Are you? Great.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Here we...- Here's an old friend. - Hello. Oh, yeah.- Wow! Yeah.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Still, still doing that joke!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Big, though, isn't it?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Um, if you'd just excuse us for one minute, Mr Ch... Um...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Declan.- Declan, Declan, yes, yes, yes, of course.- Yeah, sorry.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- I just need a quick strategy chat.- Sure.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I am...ever so close to being on the verge
0:14:25 > 0:14:29of balling my fucking eyes out disappointed about this.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Going on Strictly Come Dancing
0:14:33 > 0:14:37and doing a fucking hookie waltz with Abu Hamza?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I had to virtually go on the game to get you this.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46So frankly, I don't care if he wants to roll around in apple sauce with you,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48get in there and do as you're told.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55but I just need you to know, for the record...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Just get in there before I push you in.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04If they video this as well, I'm going to swallow my own fucking thumbs.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05OK.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- So, sorry about that, yes, just... - Not at all.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Now, we're going to be videoing this too, if that's OK,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13so I thought interview first, then, I'll get myself into my chop costume and we do a little double act.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16What news from the front, my hardy legionnaires?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Er...Forest Hill running smooth, Croydon lag time, get it?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Down 15 minutes, slamming the hoods.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Boom! Fuck the Home Office.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- Yeah.- Double stamped. - Fuck the police!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- No, that doesn't work. - Christ, I haven't felt this alive for months.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I feel like I've had a health scare.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32OK. Dan Miller's station visit's on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35He's going to be meeting and greeting. Urgh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Er, Emma, which police station is it?- Lewisham.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Actually, Phil, how long is the waiting time there?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Well, that's a big nick. Tough nut to crack.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Phil, can you stop pretending you're in The Sweeney and just give me a fucking fact?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- How long?- It's coming down. Hour, hour and a half, tops. - OK.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So listen, I was thinking of learning a new language.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53TELEPHONE RINGS
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Oh, sorry, got to take that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oh! It's my sister.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Peter, we need to get as many staff as possible down to Lewisham, OK?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03When Miller gets there, we need them to be processing like, like human Pentiums.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yeah, I, I agree, I don't care who's queuing for arrest
0:16:06 > 0:16:08or if they go on to kill again, Lewisham's the priority.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Brilliant! We make it seem like Dan Miller's the problem, he's wasting police time.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- He's the backlog.- Err, Peter. - Um? Yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17When you have a moment, can I get a quote on Malcolm's arrest?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Malcolm?- Tucker.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Malcolm Tucker's being arrested?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, I was thinking of coming down there in October anyway.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- What the fuck? This is...- I've been getting calls for 15 minutes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Not the same sources that told you David Beckham was running for mayor?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Malcolm's solicitor phoned the police, who phones journalists, and they tell me.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- And after all that people phoning you...- Yes? Yes?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40..then you just, then, you just have a little tuna salad, do you, watch Loose Women?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42You lay an egg over there and...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Terri, Terri, can you spot who the blockage is in this office?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I have been getting on with doing exactly what you told me to,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- which was...- What? - ..dealing with this arrest backlog. - Can't you react to events? Fuck!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Yes, just doing one thing at a time, are you, because you're a uni-tasker?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57All the press will focus on, right, is Malcolm's arrest,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- and not on anyone else who's being arrested, we have been trumped again!- No, this is good.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06We swoop in, sort the system, and we get Tucker in clink, it's a double stamp.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Which police station's he going to? - Brentford, apparently.- Brentford.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here, the vector would be here.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Right.- OK, listen up, everybody.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Forget Lewisham.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I want every warm body we've got down to Brentford.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Let's put the fucker in a cell with a genuine psychopath.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Can I just make sure that this is a double stamp?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27This is a double stamp.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Yeah, well, don't worry, I can come down
0:17:28 > 0:17:32and I'll have that wall whitewashed in about half an hour.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36So you're telling me I literally cannot get arrested?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Look, I haven't got the staff to deal with the workload right now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42My client is doing everything he can to help you with your inquiries.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44They are processing arrests at Lewisham, head down there.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- We can't go to Lewisham. - Why not?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Dan Miller's there, fondling truncheons.- Oh!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- This, as you can see, is our control...- Hello, Dan Miller, hello.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Hello, Dan Miller.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57..room - nerve centre, shall we say? - where we've been
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- managing the situation. - Hi, Dan Miller.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So you must be incredibly concerned with the log jam we've been seeing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Oh, absolutely, yesterday was a very challenging day.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06I can imagine.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Yeah, but since we've had the additional help from the private contractors,
0:18:10 > 0:18:11we're really getting on top of it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Great. Well, well, yeah. Can I just...?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Oh, of course.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Olly. What the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I'm like lube at a funeral.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've Apollo 13'd it.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Fucking press!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Excuse me, is there another way out of here?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- You could hang yourself. - Fuck off!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39It's down there, turn right, on the left.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Have you heard that Malcolm Tucker's going to get arrested?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Two minutes, I will have something for you on that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- Tell me that was a rhetorical question.- Malcolm was supposed to get arrested quietly,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51on the other side of town, but, obviously, it's actually got out.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52How?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Do I have to say this? Do I have to say it out loud? Because the police...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Oh, why don't you say it out loud?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Yes, yes, maybe they can do me a favour and throw you down the fucking stairs.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08This is basically the same fucking exit.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16This is rubbish!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19This is, this is literally rubbish.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Malcolm! Malcolm! There he is! There he is! Mr Tucker!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Hey! Get the fuck back here!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Jesus Christ.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29OK, go. Go, go, go!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33You drive off like that again and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Why the fuck have you brought me to a police station
0:19:37 > 0:19:40when one of our most senior figures is about to be arrested?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Um...don't clasp your hands behind your back, it makes you look like you've been cuffed.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46TELEPHONE RINGS
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Oh, it's him.- Marvellous!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Put him on speakerphone, he might want to do an interview down the line.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Oliver Reeder.- 'Olly, some press turned up at Brentford.'
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I've just been chased into a cab. It's like Hard Day's fucking Night.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- 'Where can I go?'- Er...I'm hearing Hackney's good, 82% operational.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Olly, will you please keep the rest of the press there,
0:20:05 > 0:20:06with Dan in Lewisham?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Please. I need my dignity.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Come on, give me my fucking dignity...- Er, thanks for calling.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15OK, we need to get out of here as quickly as we possibly can.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Thank you very much.- That was really, er, wonderful. Carry on.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Super, super station. Love what you've done with it.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Malcolm's gone. What's happening? Did he escape?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25No, the press were there, it was taking too long.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Christ's sake! It's Tora fucking Bora all over again.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Where did he go? We've got to get everyone there now.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'll find out, I'll find out.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Let's get a chopper in the air. Be like the OJ chase!- He is getting bloody arrested today, OK?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Absolutely. It's legacy stuff - the men who threw Malcolm Tucker in the slammer!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Can I just say my idea for pop-up prisons doesn't seem so stupid now.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, blah, blah! Being this close won't... Hackney, Hackney!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Where's Hackney? - There. That's Hackney, right there. - OK, OK, it's my manor.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Adam, Adam, make it happen. Boots on the ground, yeah?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55This is fucking awesome, it's like COBRA! I hope I get defence next.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Want the headset now, don't you? - Fuck off.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'm making myself an Earl Grey, Glenn. Can I get you something?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01No, I'm tea-d out, thank you, Terri.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Oh. Do you want a hand? - You could open that cupboard door.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Are you moving offices or something?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Yeah, you could say that. I'm going to a prison cell.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Oh, Glenn!- Yeah.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11- No!- Yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I've decided I'm going to resign.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Then after that I'm going to go to a police station and hand myself in.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- No, no, no, no...- I perjured myself at the inquiry, Terri.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21They'll find out. They always do.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I'll have a roof over my head, three meals a day and regular sex.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I might even work out. Get some abs.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29What about your sister, Glenn? You've got to whitewash her walls!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Come out, everyone!
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Tally-ho!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Yoo-hoo!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Come on, bring out your fucking dead.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Right, everybody, listen. I've got an announcement to make.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Erm...- What is it? Have you got an erection?- No.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Is that it?- No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Morally, this department is in the gutter.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work...- You stay and take the punishment!- Hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- I will lamp you, with a lamp. - Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05You, Fergus,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles,
0:22:09 > 0:22:14but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree,
0:22:14 > 0:22:19swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule pony fuckers.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21If you're going to go, just go.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Oh!- Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Adam, you're waiting for your turn!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Oh, no, I remember!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It's your turn right now!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Brilliant. Bring it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.- Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37You were so well suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Hear, hear!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Do you know what? I hate you both. Tweedletwat and Tweedleprick.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44You contribute absolutely nothing to the world,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47so thank fucking God you have no power.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Er, we do actually. It's... - No, you don't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And, Peter, it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a 12-year-old's body.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00This is great! Why is no-one filming this?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- And Emma. - Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Yeah. Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06That's it!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Terri!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Oh! Whoa, whoa!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14and yet quite so useless.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19But I do have to thank you, because I have managed to stay in shape
0:23:19 > 0:23:23purely through the energy I spend in pitying you every day.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32That was better than IMAX Inception.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34EMMA: Poor, poor Glenn.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Should we try and get him back?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Fuck, no! He's gone completely mental.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40He's gone Glenn-tal.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41There he is, there he is!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Malcolm! Can you tell us why you're here today?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Why are you here today, Malcolm?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Are you here to be arrested?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Nothing to say.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Nothing to say. There's nothing to say.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Out of my way, you fucking human Mooncup.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Have a bit of class.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Is this arrest by appointment, Mr Tucker?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02You do not have to say anything.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06However, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned
0:24:06 > 0:24:10something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be...
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Malcolm! Malcolm!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Quiet! Quiet! Quieten down!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- Quieten down! - Give us something.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I have a brief statement I will read on behalf of my client.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27"I am innocent of all charges and vow to do everything in my power to clear my name.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"I will fight this all the way, and I am confident no jury will be able
0:24:30 > 0:24:34"to look me in the eye and say anything other than I am an innocent man.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"But to avoid any distraction to my official duties,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"and to begin preparations for my acquittal,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"I am standing down as senior communications officer to my party,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"and, with heavy heart, I am leaving top-tier politics for good."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48That is all we have to say at this time. Thank you.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Have you anything further to add?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54No, I want to say something, I want to say something.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Doesn't matter.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Have you been sacked, Mr Tucker?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17'..standing down as senior communications officer to my party...'
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- Oh, I do feel grubby.- I feel fucking great! It's a huge scalp.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Size of a pizza!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26How about a toast to the old bastard's hopeful incarceration
0:25:26 > 0:25:28with a fine 12-year-old Glen-fuck it?!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30WOMAN LAUGHS
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I haven't worked all that long,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34or all that closely with Malcolm Tucker,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36but I wish him luck in clearing his name,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38although, obviously, if he is found guilty,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41then the full weight of the law should be...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, sorry. Full force of the law should be...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I haven't worked all that long...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49With him gone, um, I feel fresh hope we can mend
0:25:49 > 0:25:53and rebuild a credible politics of integrity and honour.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55So, er, thank you very much for coming,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I look forward to seeing much more of you in the coming weeks and months.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Not you, Rod, obviously. You're a twat.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03But... In spite of the awards, er, er, for being a twat, I believe.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06So, thanks, fellas. Don't be strangers.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Oh, Phil, is it too much for you? - It's strong!- Oh, poor old Phil!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Did you get it in your eye?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I've got an image now of you puking up on some stripper's shoes
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and then bursting into tears.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Drinking on the job, Peter. Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half-cut.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Oh, then I must have dreamt that my idea had successfully reduced the arrest backlog.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- DoSAC did do rather well today, er, actually.- Thank you.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Stewart, you're out. You're going to be pickled in a think tank.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42- WOMAN:- What?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm?
0:26:45 > 0:26:50The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52is keener on actions these days.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I'm going to be providing those.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59cos you're a walking thought pod, aren't you?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Absolutely. Thank you very much.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Thanks.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Um, you know...
0:27:06 > 0:27:11I've spent ten years detoxifying this party, hmm?
0:27:11 > 0:27:16It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23replace the odd homophobic roof tile.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Because the foundations are built on what
0:27:29 > 0:27:34I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Wow!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36EMMA: Bye, Stewart.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Bye-bye, Stewart.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Thanks for everything!
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Sod it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Now, if we can just get a couple of pictures,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54someone will give you a knife and fork,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and if you can pretend to eat me.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58What a great day!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Peter? Sorry, the Sun have just been on.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I'm afraid a prisoner who was accused of assaulting his wife was accidentally released,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- he's gone back and attacked the wife and children. - Oh, shit in the couscous!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10EMMA: Right, OK, we need a joint statement.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Both departments were too busy with the backlogs.- Fuck it all!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- Yeah, basically stuff fell through the cracks.- Exactly.- No-one's fault.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- Can this be double-stamped? - Fuck the stamps!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20And whose fault is it the man was released?
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- Terri, meeting in my office. - Well, uh, in Peter's office. - Well, I'm meeting in my office.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25I'm meeting in my office.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:28:27 > 0:28:28What a shit day!