0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- Hello.- Steve?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Yes, who's this?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13It's Rob.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Oh, hey, hey.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- How are you?- Good, how are you?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Yes, good, how's the show going?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Just finished, just starting the hiatus.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Listen, the Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews over six lunches.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Really?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32But this time in Italy, Marbella Italia, yeah?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Beautiful countryside, beautiful wine,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38beautiful women, beautiful food.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What do you think?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Well...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42And they'll fly you to Europe.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43What, first class?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Or business or upper class Virgin.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55This is according to the Observer, 'nowhere in Italy compares
0:00:55 > 0:00:57'with Piemonte for travellers looking for a combination
0:00:57 > 0:01:01'of fine wines, gastronomy and beautiful countryside.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03'The area to explore is just an hour's drive
0:01:03 > 0:01:05'down the Autostrade from Turin.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08'From Bra, through Alba then Asti, takes you through
0:01:08 > 0:01:12'a panoply of vineyards producing Italy's greatest red wines.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14'Barolo, Barbaresco,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Barbera. Hanna-Barbera...'
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- MIMICS TWEETY:- Sufferin' succotash!"
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I tawt I taw a puddy tat.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I did!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26The Trattoria della Posta, which is where we're going,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28is set in rolling hills clad with vineyards.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32This elegant Trattoria is the ideal place for a romantic evening.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34You know I'm not a homosexual, don't you?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36No, we're not having a romantic evening,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- we are going to have a stimulating lunch.- Good, good.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43And if romance should occur, we'll deal with it as it happens.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46The only time I'd ever snuggle up to you is if I was on the side
0:01:46 > 0:01:48of the Eiger on a shelf
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and not to do so would mean I'd freeze to death.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52In that situation you know what you're meant to do?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- You're meant to get as close... - I know, you have to spoon.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56- Spooning, yes.- I know.- Yes.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You wee on each other, as well, and that's disallowed.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Well, that's where recreation meets survival.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I've also sorted out the music for the iPod.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I've gone for a broad selection, a lot of Italian stuff,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12a lot of opera, obviously.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Good, good.- Don Giovanni, Rigoletto,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Verdi, then a smattering of Wales
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and the Welsh to tie in with the beautiful countryside.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Verdi's sounding very, very appealing right now I have to say.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28I've got some Stereophonics and some Tom Jones.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32We're not going to be doing any impersonations, are we, because we talked about that.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35No, if I sing along that's not an impersonation.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39It just so happens I bear an uncanny resemblance,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40vocally and physically to Tom.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42What because you look 75?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Why is this? Oh!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I promise you I haven't sabotaged the sound system
0:02:48 > 0:02:52because of my aversion to your karaoke inclination.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Why is... There's nothing at all.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01So you knew who it is.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Buongiorno.- Buongiorno.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Buongiorno.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Uno. Grazie.- Prego.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- What's that? What are you saying? - I've asked for one of each.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I've got to say I'm very impressed with the smattering of Italian.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- I have brushed up a little. - Yes, I was just saying
0:03:15 > 0:03:16- Could you tell?- Yes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Prego.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Grazie
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's actually, that is, that is nice.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'll take your word for it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Grazie.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Seriously? You're not drinking?- No.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- When did this come about?- I've not drunk for about nine months.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46So you're not going to drink at all on the trip?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Wow.- I'll still have fun, you know, still have a laugh.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Just not as much of a laugh
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I'm surprised the Observer wanted you to do this again, I mean...
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- Well...- Neither of us know anything about, with respect, know anything about food.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Well, I know a little bit. - Well, yeah but you don't...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10When I wrote the last ones I concentrated not so much on the food.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It was more a journey, it was the culture, it was,
0:04:13 > 0:04:14it was Wordsworth and Coleridge,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- now it's going to be Byron and Shelley.- They're not double acts.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It's not The Two Ronnies or Morecambe and Wise.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT:- And more's the pity because I would adore
0:04:22 > 0:04:26driving around Italy with you Steve,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29in the next sketch dressed as busty ladies singing
0:04:29 > 0:04:32a song with some choreography thrown into the middle.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34HE LAUGHS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You know it's like second album syndrome, isn't it?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Everyone has this amazing, expressive first album where they put everything into it
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and the second album's a bit of a damp squib.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- It's like trying to do a sequel. It's never going to be as good as the first time.- Godfather II.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Which is the one that people always mention when they try to search
0:04:53 > 0:04:55for an example of a sequel that's as good as...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- MIMICS AL PACINO:- Just when I thought I was out, they put me back in
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What's this licking thing you always do?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You look like some sort of small gecko.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07That's what he does, just when I thought,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'd made two terrific movies,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13they go and make another,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I'm back in.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It's OK, he's just doing an impersonation, it's fine.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Look at Byron, you know, Childe Harold made him
0:05:22 > 0:05:25the most popular poet in all of Europe.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And when he wrote that, he did the first two cantos right,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and he said, if this is a hit I'll write more.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34If it's not a hit, I won't do any more.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38You should do the same, promise the audience you won't do any more if they don't like it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41At the end of my successful tours and live shows?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh. Oh gosh.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Grazie.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Grazie.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Prego, buon appetito.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Grazie, grazie.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Mmm, that is lovely.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Childe Harold, Byron wrote, was a thinly veiled self-portrait.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I was aware of that.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I thought we could do a similar thing with you,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Childe Stephen, follow you on your travels and...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It wouldn't be a pseudonym, would it? I'm called Stephen.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Byron wasn't called Harold was he?
0:06:18 > 0:06:24No, he was actually George Gordon Lord Byron.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Gordon.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Understandably he...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- He ditched the Gordon. - ..he ditched the Gordon.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- It's not a romantic name. - It's not a poet's name, Gordon, no.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Gordon Byron on line three. - Oh, God, tell him I'm not in.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38He does my head in.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43So Childe Stephen, we'll do it as an article
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and turn it into a Sunday night serial on BBC One.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Who plays you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49A Sunday night costume drama about my life?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Yes, yes. Who plays you? - It could happen.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Who plays you?- I'll play myself.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You couldn't do that, it's Childe, it's meant to be like a young man.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You could have Jude Law.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Jude Law's 40 plus.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03He doesn't look it. He hasn't aged like you and I?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- He's balding.- Yeah, but he's got that face, he doesn't...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08He's got that really young, bald look.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16When you played Alan Partridge, you know when he was popular,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20he was more known than you and, of course, he was older than you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23But with me with the Rob Brydon Show, my name is in the title,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- I sort of push that.- Yeah.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26If I were in a bar in a hotel in Britain
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and I wanted to have a drink with a girl, I couldn't do it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- because there would be an assumption, "What's he do?" - Go and chat to Rob Brydon.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Yes, people think I'm affable. Affable.- Well, you are.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I'm affable. - I'm not disagreeing with you.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- I'm an affable man. - I'm not disagreeing with you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43But my public persona is even more affable than I actually am.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I'm not as affable as people think I am.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- You've made an affable rod for your own back.- Yes.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Yes, and I'm not saying I'm not affable.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I am affable.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56But I'm not as affable as perhaps I've given people cause to think.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Crystal clear.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00So out here, I can be off the leash.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- I can, I can let my hair, what is left of it, down.- Yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And, you know, have a good time.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Oh, lovely.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Mmm...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Grazie mille.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Grazie.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28You know there's a publisher who's very interested in putting these articles into a book.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32How do they think they're going to get six articles and turn it into a book?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Well, we would also do the ones from the Lake District, from the English ones.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- What did you think of them? - I didn't read them. I was in America - acting.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44They were a lightly fictionalised account of your adventures
0:08:44 > 0:08:46in the north of England.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- How were they lightly fictionalised? - The names were changed...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- What about my name?- ..we kept your name but the girls' names were changed.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56How do they know it's fictionalised if it says 'Steve Coogan's Adventures in the Lake District?'
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Did you say, "brackets, penned by Rob Brydon?" No?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Not in the traditional sense, no, no.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04But then I did do the work for you, didn't I?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Mmm, bellissimo.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What do you think on the Mini, then? Are you enjoying it?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- I'm presently surprised. - It's a nice car
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and to drive it in Italy... Yeah?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- What?- You see what I'm getting at?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Yes, The Italian Job.- Exactly yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I was wondering whether you'd booked the Mini, in Italy,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29for the Italian Job just to give you the opportunity to say,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But I've done it now. Hopefully that will be an end to it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Do your Michael Caine.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Did you see him in The Dark Knight Rises?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And his voice gets even more emotional than it's ever
0:09:44 > 0:09:46done in the past before.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I don't want to bury you, Batman, I will not
0:09:49 > 0:09:51put you into the ground in a little box.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I will not do it, Master Bruce, I will not do it.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'm not going to bury another Batman.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Another Batman? How many Batmans has he been burying?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- How many are there? I've buried 14 Batmen...- I've buried 14 Batmen...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03...put their little pointy ears in a box...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I'm not going to bury another nylon cloak with pointy ears
0:10:05 > 0:10:08that people wear at birthday parties.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12With the little belt, the very wide belt that is flattering to a man with an expanded girth.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I won't do that to you, Master Bruce. I would not do it to you.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18And I won't make the voice like that.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20The voice goes even more like that.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22He's basically yodelling.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25HE YODELS
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And then Christian Bale says, "You wanted to see me."
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And when he says that he puts his tongue over.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35"I want to be a mad man, I don't want to be a normal guy."
0:10:35 > 0:10:36But you sound deaf.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37INAUDIBLE ANSWER
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Just so nobody can recognise him.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I can't understand a word you're saying, Master Bruce.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Talk to me as Master Bruce, not as Batman.- Why, why does he?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46INAUDIBLE ANSWER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49So he can have the cloak of anonymity...
0:10:49 > 0:10:53But he doesn't though. He said, "Here's that bloke in the cloak who sounds like he's deaf again."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It's not anonymous, is it?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58No wonder when Batman arrives and starts speaking like that
0:10:58 > 0:11:00everyone starts looking at their shoes.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04They're all thinking, "Why does he talk like that, poor fella, you know.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07And what about Tom Hardy as Bane?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12They're like competing to see who's the most, the least understandable.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Bane, take off your mask love, I can't catch a word you're saying.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27INAUDIBLE REPLY
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- He's a wonderful actor, don't get me wrong.- No, he's very good.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Tom Hardy's very muscular so he's a terrific actor. Terrific actor.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- No, no, he's good, he's scary good, scarily good.- But...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40INAUDIBLE
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I don't, I don't, I don't...
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Do you know what I think that is?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I think that they both are very formidable actors. Yes
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Very charismatic, a little bit scary.- Yes.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Can you imagine a first AD going up to one of them going,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"The director thinks he can't quite understand what you're saying,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"do you want to try a different voice?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00"Do you want to try a different voice?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:04"The director's a little worried that maybe people can't understand what you're saying."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06MUMBLED REPLY
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"OK, all right, all right, no...
0:12:09 > 0:12:13"Tom says he's quite happy with the voice he's got at the moment,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"he's happy to go with that."
0:12:15 > 0:12:18INAUDIBLE REPLY
0:12:20 > 0:12:23No, I'm just relaying what the director said.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26IRATE INAUDIBLE REPLY
0:12:26 > 0:12:29No, I understand. I understand.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yeah, they're both upset now.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Is this not something we could fix in post?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Because I think you've opened a can of worms.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I know, I know, I'm on your side.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I know I understand perfectly Tom, and Christian, no you too.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yes, no, I understand.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I know that's what I told him, I think
0:12:52 > 0:12:54he's, I think he, yes, shall I?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56He says it's fine, just, just go with the voices.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Yes, OK.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I like Tom Hardy, I couldn't do what he does, I couldn't do it and neither could you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12But he couldn't do, he couldn't do what I do.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14When you're saying something like, "See in store for details."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- No way he could do that.- No, no.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Sorry, where do I look for details?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And when you have to talk quickly with the disclaimer at the end.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Your home may be at risk if you don't keep up repayments, terms and conditions may apply.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- No projection, if you project you add time.- Yeah.- Now Hardy...
0:13:31 > 0:13:35MUFFLED SPEECH
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- You got through it.- Well, yeah, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I can't be any other way.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41your average family in the middle of Coronation Street,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"What the hell is that!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- They're throwing things, throwing the remote at the screen. - No, I'm with you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I can hardly understand what he's saying.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I wouldn't say that to his face though.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53No, never, no, no...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Never, if I see him, "Loved Batman."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Some people said they couldn't understand you, but they're just wrong.- Yeah.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You imagine if I said there are great savings at B&Q,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04with that sort of a voice...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Exactly. - I'd be laughed out of town.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Of course you would. Just try it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11MUFFLED SPEECH
0:14:11 > 0:14:12- That's why... - Have you lost your mind?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15That's why Tom Hardy doesn't do B&Q voiceovers.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- He hasn't got the B&Q gig, has he? - No, he hasn't no.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19But, equally, if I was Bane,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"I'm going to smash you to smithereens Batman
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"and leave you lying at the bottom of a pit."
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You see that's clear, but lacks character.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- And it lacks menace, it's too reasonable.- It's too reasonable.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I'm a reasonable villain.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh wow, look at that.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Grazie.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Grazie.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Grazie.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Look at that, do you know what?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51That's just...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- There's a lovely...- Mmm.- Lovely...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Game...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- We're both eating game.- Mmm.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Game's very good for you.- Mmm.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Because living in the wild, it's had lots of nutrition,
0:15:06 > 0:15:07it's been eating wild. It's been...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Been exercising, exercising. - On the run, very fit, exercise.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- So if you were to eat Mo Farah... - Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- it would be fantastically beneficial.- Exactly.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- It's the equivalent of eating Mo Farah if you were in a plane crash with him.- Yeah, yeah.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- If you were in a crash with him... - ...in the Andes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- In the Andes.- I'd eat him first, if he was dead.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What if he was mortally wounded, you know there was
0:15:29 > 0:15:33no chance of him surviving and he'd lost all feeling in his lower body?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Would you start to eat those fantastic legs? - No, no, because that would be rude.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Keeping the freshness. No, there's no rudeness, he's going to die,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41he's already paralysed from the waist down.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44"Mo, mo, you know you're not going get up again."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47If you put a tent up half way along and you distracted him by chatting to him.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Possibly.- About his glories at the Olympics, reliving those moments,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52you united the nation Mo, you were wonderful.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Well, you know what, it's a bit of a silly conversation,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58but given the choice...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs than yours.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- And that's not...- There's more benefit in them, I'd be the first to admit.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Only a fool would eat my legs over Mo Farah's legs.- Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I'm trying to think who I'd eat your legs over.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Um... Stephen Hawking.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15- Yes.- Yes?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Although I'd definitely eat his brains first, before yours.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I'd then use his chair to escape down the hill, down the Andes.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25If he was in the crash. The crash is me, you, Mo Farah
0:16:25 > 0:16:26and Stephen Hawking.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30We'd all been travelling to Argentina to do a celebrity Krypton Factor together.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33We crash, we're thinking, "How are we going to get out here?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:34And that's how we do it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And then realise it was all part of the Krypton Factor.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Yeah, it was a challenge and bloody hell we've killed Mo Farah.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42And we've eaten a fair chunk of his thigh.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44But in all seriousness, you get back to England,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47you've survived the plane crash, you're on TV being
0:16:47 > 0:16:50interviewed by one your mates, like Wogan, or someone like that.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Yeah.- And Wogan's saying, So, Rob, how did you,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56how did you survive the crash in the Andes?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You must have been pretty hungry
0:16:58 > 0:17:00when you were sitting there in the snow.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And wondering, where am I going get my next beer from?
0:17:02 > 0:17:07A little bird tells me that you, that you ate Mo Farah's legs.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Is that true? Did you eat his legs?- No, I've heard this.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I think this is a rumour put around by Steve Coogan,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14as he recuperates.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Ah, the old Steve Coogan, the old Alan Partridge,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19that's a funny, that's a funny fella.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Funny fella. And in real life, just as funny, Terry.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23- I'm sure he is.- An absolute ball.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25But to get back to the point though...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- No, let's talk about Steve. - Let's talk about...
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- In real life he's a delight. - Let's talk about you... - He's the kind of guy you want...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34No, let's talk about you eating Mo Farah's fucking legs.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Tell the fucking truth about eating Mo Farah's fucking legs.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41At which point we get taken off the air. Do you think Terry'll eff and jeff like that?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Imagine the switchboards. - I know, I know.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45And I escape Scot free.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Oh, Rob Brydon, always good to welcome him in.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Here's Chris Rea.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00No, grazie.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Grazie.- Prego.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07The inside of this when you turn it around,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09look the beginning of a Bond film.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Let's have a look.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You know why those swirly things are?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17When you see them, when you're looking down the barrel of a gun,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- you know what that is, don't you? - No.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21That's the rifling on the inside of the barrel.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Rifling?- Yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Rifling through your wife's handbag. - It's the same thing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Going around and around and around. - Really?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Rifling was what they introduced after the muskets
0:18:31 > 0:18:33which had no rifling.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- On muskets the lead ball fired straight out. - You know a lot about guns.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39It's just, I just pick stuff up.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You just picked it up, Mr Coogan?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Both of these weapons were found underneath your bed
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- on the night of the offence.- Well, a shotgun has no rifling in it,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50that's why you can't call a shotgun a rifle.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I don't doubt whether you can call it this, that or the other,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56what I want to know is why your finger prints were found around the trigger?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57HE CHUCKLES
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You say Mr Brydon was a friend of yours,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03yet when his bloodied corpse was found at the foot of your stairs,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05you claimed you'd had very little involvement with him.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09What was it about Mr Brydon that made you so want to kill him?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And don't say, "Where should I start?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I didn't want to kill him. Occasionally I found him annoying, but no more than that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Might he ever have found YOU annoying, Mr Coogan?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Might he ever have found you a little, shall we say, pompous,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24aggrandising, self-conceited
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and up his own, shall we say, arse?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- I think we shall, I think we have. - I dare we say we might.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I'm sure any relationship has its ups and downs
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and ours had perhaps more downs than ups.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38But nevertheless we had a friendship which was...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40..stimulating.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Stimulated by the thought of killing him?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Because you wanted to kill him didn't you, Mr Coogan?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I'm sure on occasion any of us who have a robust relationship
0:19:47 > 0:19:51with a friend may on occasions say, "God, I wish I could kill you."
0:19:51 > 0:19:53How can one wish to kill Mr Brydon?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55A man who brought such great joy to the nation with his small
0:19:55 > 0:20:00man in a box, his voiceovers for reputable DIY outlets,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and his impressions of 50% of the Two Ronnies,
0:20:02 > 0:20:07how could anybody wish ill on such a cherubic figure, Mr Coogan?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Erm...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm not quite sure where the question's leading.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Prego.- Grazie.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14- Grazie.- Grazie.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17So Steve, you made it through to the final round where we ask you,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19how much was the meal?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Are you going to go, Steve, don't answer yet,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23are you going to go for A...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24- 200 Euros.- 3 Euros.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Are you going to go for B, 5 Euros,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30or are you going to go for C, 152 Euros?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, 152.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35152 Euros?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39152, you've won the car.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You can drive a Mini away from here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Well, that was just right.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Shall I drive?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- You've had three glass of Barolo, I haven't had any.- All right.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Well, I am going drive at some point on this trip.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Perhaps...to be discussed.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I can drive in the mornings, have a bottle at lunchtime,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02and then slump in the passenger seat in the afternoon.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- What are you doing in the boot? - Just getting some music.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- One CD.- Sounds ominous.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- It's not Tom Jones, is it? - Alanis Morrisette.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You're kidding me?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It's Sally's...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19..my wife.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Shall er... shall we?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Nah.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37PHONE RINGS
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Hello?- Hey, Dad, it's Joe.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Oh, hello, how are you? - I'm OK, where are you?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- I'm in Italy with Rob, Rob Brydon. - Buongiorno.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51That's him talking Italian, like a native.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54So maybe it's better you and I talk later on Skype at the hotel?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56All right, OK.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Good, all right, speak to you later, bye.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Teenagers...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He's in Ibiza with his mum and Amy.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Ah...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I wondered why you were so willing to come away
0:22:10 > 0:22:12when you could have been with your kids.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You don't get to see them very much do you?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Well that's...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That's why I'm quite glad that Pathology hasn't
0:22:18 > 0:22:20been picked up for a third series.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Yeah.- So, plus I'm just tired of LA.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31So your hiatus has been indefinitely extended?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yes, through the summer to the autumn,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but, hopefully, not as far as the winter.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So mid-life hiatus? Your mini hiatus
0:22:40 > 0:22:42is a mid-life hiatus.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I know a lot of guys retired at 50
0:22:45 > 0:22:47and they say it's the best thing they ever did.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm not retiring, I'm 47.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yes, but the time you get round to doing it you'll be 50,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54fantastic, you'll have time on your hands to do whatever you want.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Maybe I'll end up doing a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad yet.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59ROB CHUCKLES
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Glory days, glory days.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05They've now passed me by, they didn't renew the contract on that,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07which is a great shame because they were ludicrously tasty.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11What doth it profit it a man if he gain an endless
0:23:11 > 0:23:15supply of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, but sells his soul?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Well...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Quite a lot of money, quite a lot of money.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Incrementally increasing year on year.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yes but it came to an end, didn't it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Yeah, I worked for two years, so it incrementally increased for two years.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Well, one year, the first year. - That's one increment.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Yes, that's technically true.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Do you still want to get your photograph taken outside Byron's house?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Yes, the publishers want photos for the book.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43We can't have too many.
0:23:43 > 0:23:451822 to 1823.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47He stayed one year in Italy.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- That's just a holiday. - It was just before he died.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54He was essentially on the run from England
0:23:54 > 0:23:57because he'd, you know, slept with his sister,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00sodomised his wife and some young boys.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yes, some of that is out of order.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Go back a bit further, I want to see the sign.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- But you're looking straight at my nose.- You and the sign.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- But you're looking straight..isn't that too low?- But you want both in.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Yes, but what do I look like?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- It is Alarnis or Alanis? - It's Alarnis.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- How do you know that?- Because I just decided and that's enough.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- That's good enough.- All right.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26In America people call themselves what they want.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I'm sure her dad's probably called Alan.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30In which case it would be Alanis.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Er, not necessarily.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of blokes in America called Alan,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37say it's Alarn.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42I'm Alarn. There's some properties, I want you to take a look.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44And Morrisette, it's probably that she was a Morrissey fan
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and decide to call herself a Morrisette.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Is he still going? Does he still sing now?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# He's still singing about things that make him sad
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# and sometimes happy.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58# Now he lives in Los Angeles
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# where it doesn't rain any more, any more. #
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Excellent, you're doing voices,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm doing voices. All is well.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08She's not American though, I will pick you up on that.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Alanis is Canadian.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Avril Lavigne in many ways
0:25:14 > 0:25:17is the young person's Alanis Morrisette.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19You know, I don't want to do down a young performer
0:25:19 > 0:25:21but she's no Alanis Morissette.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Alanis Morissette is authentic, an authentic voice.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26So you do like Alanis Morissette?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Relative to Avril Lavigne. - Go on, then.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32All right, let's have a nostalgia trip back to 1995,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35when we were both but 30 years old.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38That's why Sally loves it, she was only 20 then.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41# Do I stress you out? #
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Yes you do.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# My sweaters on backwards and inside out
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# And you say, how appropriate. #
0:25:47 > 0:25:50How appropriate. You know I can see the appeal in a woman like this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Volatile women are always sexy when you first meet them.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55But two years down the line you're sort of saying things like,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"Can you put the lids back on these jars, please."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I admire you taking a stand against society's laws
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- by wearing your jumper inside out. - Yeah.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05But enough is enough.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13And I am frightened by the corruptive ways of this land,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15if only I could meet my maker.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18And I am fascinated by the spiritual man.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I am humbled by his humble nature.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Do you know what?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It is music that appeals to neurotic teenage girls,
0:26:25 > 0:26:26but it's actually rather good.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Byron appealed to teenage girls. - Very true, very true.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- What's this place called? - Cenobio Dei Dogi.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The dodgy hotel?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Dogi, Dogi means ruler.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45This was the ruler's summer palace.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48The Royal Hotel in Manchester. That's a dodgy hotel.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Look at that, it doesn't get much better than that, Rob.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Absolutely stunning, gorgeous.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05The Dolce Vita.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06We're living the dream.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10It's funny isn't it, women that age just look straight through us don't they?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Non-threatening.- No, they don't even find us threatening.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17They don't even find me lascivious because they think I couldn't possibly be thinking like that.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19The one in blue top looks like a younger me.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22A younger, idealised version of me.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24A lovely hybrid of Springsteen and Petula.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28He's like you, after a computer has corrected all your deficiencies.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- He's an airbrushed me, isn't he? - It's like the best surgeon in the world
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- has been given a year with you. - Yes, thank you, thank you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37There was a time when I used to make eye contact with a woman
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and she'd flash a smile back.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40And...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43That's all it would be, just a little moment.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Those women just, the smile you get from them is the smile
0:27:46 > 0:27:48they give to a benevolent uncle.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Or a pest.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57They think we're two elderly homosexuals on our last tour of the Riviera before we die.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00What do you think they're saying? "Look at those two guys over there,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"they think they're really cool.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"They don't realise this isn't a place for old bastards like that."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"What about the guy on the right in the white jacket?
0:28:09 > 0:28:13"I see him on the television, he in the advert for the stand-up bath.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14"He's really cool." Stand up bath?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16That's where they think they see you before.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"I see him advertising stand up bath with door.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"I see him advertising pet insurance policies for the over 50s."
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Let's just look this way.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Nature never disappoints you, no rejection.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Quite rough though.- Yes.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37- We're supposed to be getting a boat tomorrow going to the Bay of Poets. - Are we?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Yeah, where Byron swam.