0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Hello.- 'Steve, it's Rob.'
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Oh, hey, hey...
0:00:07 > 0:00:08'How's the show going?'
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Just finished. Just started the hiatus.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13'Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15'Listen, the Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews -
0:00:15 > 0:00:16- 'six lunches.'- Really?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19'But this time in Italy -
0:00:19 > 0:00:21'la bella Italia, yeah?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- 'What do you think?'- Well, erm...
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- And they'll fly you to Europe. - First class?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28'No, they're offering business.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Ciao, bellissima. Hey, how are you?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'I'm OK, sort of. Chloe's still awake.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:38What?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'I can't get her to go to sleep.'
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Hello.- 'Hey, Dad.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hey, so...Ibiza, party central.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Where are all the girls in bikinis with whistles
0:00:50 > 0:00:53round their necks, jumping up and down?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54'Yeah, all of them.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Does she miss her papa? Stick her on, I'll say good night to her.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58'No, I don't think that will help.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- 'I think it'll only make it worse, Rob.'- All right.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04'She's crying again. I'm sorry, I've got to go, darling.'
0:01:04 > 0:01:06'It would probably be more fun if there were, you know,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'more people my age there, if my friends were here.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11'But, you know, they're all off in London having fun.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14'I'm stuck here by myself. I'm 16.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16'Mum keeps treating me like I'm a child.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19'I'm old enough to join the Army
0:01:19 > 0:01:21'and according to her I'm not old enough
0:01:21 > 0:01:23'to just be at home by myself.'
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Yeah, well, I think
0:01:24 > 0:01:27they should raise the age level for entry to the Army, actually.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- All right then, so long, love. Bye-bye.- 'Bye.'- Bye.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ciao, bellissima.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Ciao, bellissima.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Che bella ragazza.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Che bella ragazza.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Oh - huh! - ciao, bellissimo.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Che bella - yeah! - ragazza!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- AS TOM JONES:- # Huh, think I'd better dance now. #
0:01:54 > 0:02:00Che bella - what a beautiful - huh, ragazza - girl.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Huh, I think you've got a wonderful tone to your voice
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and I want you on my team, oh.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Did you sleep well?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yeah, like a baby.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I didn't. Terrible dreams.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I think it was the sound of the waves hitting the rocks.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Awful.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22What did you dream about?
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I dreamt I was in a huge toilet bowl, being constantly flushed.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Yeah, I wouldn't read too much into that.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- I mustered once on a boat, hit a rock, yeah.- Really?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I had to muster. Seriously, we had
0:02:38 > 0:02:40to go up onto the deck with our life jackets on.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43You went to, like, a muster station with your life jacket on?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Yes.- Wow!- Yes, and the worst thing about it was,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48all the crew members were running down corridors...
0:02:48 > 0:02:49- Oh, my God!- Which is terrifying,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51because you don't ever want to see that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54No, it's like when you see an air stewardess crying.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yes...have you seen an air stewardess crying?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Yeah.- Nothing to do with the flight, though, was it? - No, nothing to do with the flight.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- OK.- OK...right.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Permission to come aboard?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Sorry, I don't need any help...
0:03:11 > 0:03:12- OK.- That's fine.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Great. OK?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Yeah, fine, thank you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19If you just step...yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- OK.- Bloody hell. Palaver!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Is this the actual boat?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Cos...I was expecting something a big bigger.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Little smaller than I was expecting as well - I'll be very honest with you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Look at that! Wow!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39This is our boat, Patience.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Patience is a virtue.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41That is beautiful!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I can't really see the waves so I have to...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You just have to work like a Jedi.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Trust your feeling, all right? Just trust it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Why don't you close your eyes, Steve, and merely feel the waves?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26A true Jedi doesn't need to see the waves.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Is that what the Jedis do?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Yes.- Because I can fight with a light stick.- They do the lightsaber.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33That has got to be a violation of health and safety!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Hi.- Oh, hello. Thank you. This is lovely.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's a lovely boat, a lovely way to travel.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Yeah, so, the first stop is San Fruttuoso, where you'll have lunch.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"My soul is an enchanted boat
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Which like a sleeping swan doth float
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"Upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Thine doth like an angel sit
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"Beside the helm conducting it
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"While all the trees with melody are ringing."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03That's Shelley, read by Burton.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Rob can't do poems in his own voice because he lacks conviction.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- AS ALAN BENNETT:- "My soul is an enchanted boat
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"Which like a sleeping swan doth float
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"Upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing."
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Are you going to have some wine?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- No, thank you.- Are you sure? - No, grazie.- A little bit?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38No.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Grazie mille. Oh, oh...
0:05:55 > 0:05:56- Look at this?- Lovely.
0:05:56 > 0:05:5850,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It is a bit... It's very Jules Verne, the starter, I have to say, yeah.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02We're squids in.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Squids in, six quid.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Oh, I've got the squids.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Very nice, isn't she, Lucy?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Mmm.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Not the squid - Lucy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Mmm...mmm.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Oh, oh...look at that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Don't... Don't scare him. Oh, you had to scare him.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"To crush a butterfly upon a wheel."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27A dream we all share.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Alexander Pope.- Of course.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It's not very authentic, though, is it?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Hanging out with some Sloane ranger.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37If you look at Shelley and Byron,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40they were always staying with English people, all the expats.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42That's how it was, you see.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46You know, when you're in LA, I bet you are down at Soho House
0:06:46 > 0:06:48watching football on the telly with Robbie Williams.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50A - I don't like football.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- 'Ey!- 'Ey! BOTH:- I don't like football.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- B...- Yeah. Be what? Be who you are? Be true to yourself?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00A - I don't like football. B - true to yourself.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- See what I did there.- Yeah, very good, you're a wordsmith.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07D - 'pend on me to come up with more of these. E...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Why'd you miss C?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I didn't, I said "C what I did there?" You're not listening.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, that is good, yeah.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Dear, dear me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- I can see why they want you for Radio 4 panel shows.- Thank you. - You're a demon.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19No, I don't hang out with Robbie Williams.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22When I am in LA, I do what Byron actually did
0:07:22 > 0:07:25when he was travelling, which was hang out with local people.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Matthew Perry, Owen Wilson...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You hang out with Owen Wilson or you occasionally work with Owen Wilson?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I know you've been a miniature soldier with him,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37but do you actually hang out with him?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38We run together on the beach.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Is he aware that you're running?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Is he running away from you? I mean, there's a distinction here.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I could say I've been running on the beach with Robert De Niro,
0:07:46 > 0:07:47when, in fact, I'm furiously chasing
0:07:47 > 0:07:50after him and he's running for his life... What are you doing there?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Just having a little wine. You know, when in Rome...
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Wow!- In Italy.- I'm your enabler.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I'd love to talk to some of these locals.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Byron said, "I love the language, that bastard Latin
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"That melts like kisses from a female mouth
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"It sounds as if it should be writ on satin
0:08:11 > 0:08:15"With syllables that breathe of the sweet South."
0:08:15 > 0:08:16She's nice, though, Lucy.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19She's all right. She's just a posh girl working on a boat.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22She's basically the nautical equivalent of a chalet girl.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Go round Chelsea, chuck a stick - you'll hit ten of them.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You've been warned about that, haven't you?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"Steve Coogan has been arrested for
0:08:30 > 0:08:34"chucking sticks at Sloane women in Chelsea."
0:08:34 > 0:08:36We'd know what sort of a story that was, right?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Yeah.- Purely from the intonation.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42If they say, "The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- it's going to be good news.- Yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47OK? Then there's if you've died.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Yeah. "The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55The one you don't want is this...ready?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"The actor and comedian Steve Coogan..."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Oh, no!- God, what has he done now?- Oh, my God!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08See that Roman Polanski film with Pierce Brosnan playing the prime minister,
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Tony Blair, sort of, war crimes?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It was, sort of, an Iraq war thing, you know?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"The name's Bond, James Bond, 007 licensed to kill."
0:09:14 > 0:09:16But he plays Tony Blair in this?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"My name's Blair, Tony Blair."
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Tony Blair.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"Licensed to illegally invade other countries."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I could see Roger Moore playing Tony Blair.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28AS ROGER MOORE: My name's Tony Blair, and I don't like you, Hussein.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Now you're telling me this.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You're telling me destruction could be launched in 45 minutes?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I don't like you one bit.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I don't like the way you stand on the balcony wearing a beret.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- AS SADDAM HUSSEIN:- I wear the beret for one reason alone.- Why?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I like to impersonate Frank Spencer.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46You can impersonate Frank Spencer all you like
0:09:46 > 0:09:47but it doesn't change the fact
0:09:47 > 0:09:50that I think you're harbouring weapons of mass destruction.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Wait till you hear this.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- IN SAME VOICE:- Oh, Betty, the cat has done whoopsie on the carpet.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57That's a terrible impersonation of Frank Spencer, Hussein.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's the best I can do. I have the beret.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That must count for something, surely?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You think I can't do Frank Spencer? Well, listen to this.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08AS FRANK SPENCER: Put it over there, I'll mend it in the morning. What about that then, Mr Blair?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I bet you didn't think I could do that.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- AS ROGER MOORE:- I'll be very honest with you, Saddam, I wasn't expecting
0:10:13 > 0:10:15such a professional level of impersonation.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: No, you weren't. You weren't expecting it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23- Have you considered touring northern clubs in the '70s?- I tried to tour the northern clubs in the 1970s.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- What happened?- They said...
0:10:25 > 0:10:29AS FRANK SPENCER: "No, we've already gone with someone who does Frank Spencer."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Grazie.- Grazie.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Grazie mille. Che bel tempo oggi.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Molto bello!- Si.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"Oggi" means "today".
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Thank goodness for that - I thought you were a bit forward!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You want to take her for dinner first, mate.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- Would you like some more wine? - I would. Lovely.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- AS ALAN BENNETT:- "Dear diary, offered Steve more wine.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"He was quite agreeable to the proposal,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"so I poured it confidently."
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Mmm!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Oh, man! This looks great. I adore pasta.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- It's "pah-sta". You say "pah-sta". - Pah-sta, that's right, yeah. I love pah-sta.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Steve, you got to have some of the pah-sta.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Mmm.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- OWN ACCENT:- Are you happy with Joe and Mamie being on holiday with another man in your role?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32He's not in my role.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34He is, technically.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35They know I'm the father.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He's... David is just this guy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38David - is that his name?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- 32, a yoga instructor.- How old?- 32.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- He's 32, and he's what, a yoga instructor?- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Are you happy with that?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48He's on holiday with them now. I'm paying for the holiday.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- He doesn't have much money. - I couldn't do it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53If Sally and I ever split up, which we will not,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56but if we did, that would be the thing that would really,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59you know, break me up - is the thought of another man
0:11:59 > 0:12:04being in that role cos Chloe's three. So, she'd have no memory
0:12:04 > 0:12:06of me as the dad in the house
0:12:06 > 0:12:08and she'd automatically think of him as Dad.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- That's fine.- How's that fine? That's not fine!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Wow! Grazie.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN - Grazie mille.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Beautiful here, isn't it, eh? La dolce vita.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Don't you think we're lucky?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28In the old days, only the aristocracy could travel.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Nowadays everyone... everybody can afford a holiday.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Even if you're on benefits, you can go abroad.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's part of your human rights.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, it should be part of your human rights!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I think it should be on the NHS, but not in the summer.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- You know, it should be in the winter. - When it's cheaper.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- When people get vitamin D deficiency, because of lack of sunlight.- True.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Which then leads to people getting depression,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52which means they then have to be prescribed antidepressants,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56sold at exorbitant rates to the NHS, paid for by taxpayers,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59but sold at exorbitant rates by multinational drug companies.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02And he's off on his charger!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04This time taking on the pharmaceutical companies.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Not content with bringing the Murdoch empire to its knees,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09he now turns his steely gaze to Nurofen.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14It's not Nurofen. I'm talking about temazepam and diazepam.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You know, drug companies aren't interested in curing cancer.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21They want to prescribe long-term medication for chronic illnesses
0:13:21 > 0:13:24because that's what lines the coffers of the shareholders.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26It's a cartel, a conspiracy.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29They're no better than Colombian drug lords, frankly.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Did you ever see the film Love and Other Drugs - Jake Gyllenhaal?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Gil-en-hall, Jill-en-hall - how do you pronounce that?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I know Jake and Maggie.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44And how do you pronounce it?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I don't know.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49It was about the big pharma conspiracy over Viagra.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Have you ever used that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Not prescribed to me, you know, I've used it recreationally.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Recreationally is the only way you would use it.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Why would you use it professionally,
0:13:59 > 0:14:04unless you're a porn star or a model or an actor?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06But actors can't - that's the last thing an actor wants to use.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You're not allowed to get a hard on if you're in a sex scene.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13It's a major faux pas, frowned upon by crews and actors alike.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So, erm...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17what's it like?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Erm...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22do you want me to get you some Viagra?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Oh, I'm just asking you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28Look, I'm considering dipping my toes in the murky waters of Viagra.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29OK...it's not an aphrodisiac.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You've got to desire the woman you're with.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Yes...well, yes, I do.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I have a three-year-old child so, you know,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40it's not the sexual Olympics in our house, so I'm just thinking of a...
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Well, it's just like a peg-up.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's like you trying to climb over a wall and me doing that.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45You'd stand in that.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I'd be uncomfortable if you were there, I should make that clear.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Yeah, I know. It's an analogy.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Yeah, once you're over the wall, you're on your own.- Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55But it's like... Take a...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I wouldn't want you in the house at all, to be honest.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Just tell me what it's like.- No, I'm outside looking round, making sure,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03keeping the coast clear. I've given you a peg-up, you go in...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- OK, all right.- Have sex with your wife.- Yeah, I'm comfortable now.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09OK, it's like a turbocharger on a normally aspirated engine.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN - Si, grazie mille, grazie.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Grazie, erm, il conto, per favore...grazie.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's one of the nicest sounds in the world -
0:15:20 > 0:15:25the sound of water lapping, ideally against pebbles and not sand.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28A lovely sound. Is there a nicer sound than that?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30No, I don't think there is. Birdsong?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Birdsong...depends on the bird.- Yeah, that's true.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35HE SQUAWKS
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah, that's fair, so point taken.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- IRISH ACCENT:- So, welcome, and you join us for Guess The Bill
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and our contestant this week is returning after his triumph last week.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- It's young Stephen Coogan. Steve, welcome.- Thank you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I know you've had a super day here at the studios with us.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Just a second. Let me just stop you
0:15:52 > 0:15:54briefly to ask you what part of Ireland you're from.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Well, I'm glad you asked, Stephen. I've travelled all around Ireland,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00hence the different tones in the voice, but it's good of you to ask.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- I like a young, inquisitive mind.- OK, I'll let it go. - All right, don't speak again.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Steve, thanks for taking an interest in me but tonight is all about you
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and I hope you're going to win some money and take it back to that
0:16:09 > 0:16:11family, who God knows have suffered enough already
0:16:11 > 0:16:13putting up with you, you little shit.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16So, here we go, and I must take your first answer.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Is today's bill...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21A - ten euro?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Is it B - 647 euro?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Or is it C - 173 euro?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And, Steve, please, I must take your first answer.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Ladies and gentlemen in the audience, please no helping with this young lad.- C, it's C.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- C, you're saying C?- Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- 173 - is that your final answer, Steve?- Yeah, definitely.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Steve, you've done it. You've won again, well done. You'll be coming
0:16:42 > 0:16:45back next week. Give a wave to everybody at home there, Steve.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Give a wave. The camera's over there, you daft bugger. There it is.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Good night, everybody. We'll be back same time next week. Keep waving. Credits are rolling. Good night!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Watch your head already.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06William, the men are not happy.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Oh, William, is it? Not "captain" or "sir"?
0:17:08 > 0:17:13You can tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope, we will sail around the Horn.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You turned your back on me, man. God damn your eyes!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18God damn your eyes, man, you turned your back on me!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20He's doing Anthony Hopkins. Don't worry, it'll pass.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and sail around the Horn.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Around the Horn. The quick way round the Horn we shall go, sir.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32You turned your back on me, man!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Don't turn your back on me!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Around the Horn we're going. - The quicker way round the Horn we shall go.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58- Hey!- Hi!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh, careful.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Not too rough for you?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- No, no, it's fine. - Are you enjoying it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:11Yeah, it's fantastic, wonderful. Steve's having a little sleep.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Had a drink, so at his age he needs a nap after lunch
0:18:14 > 0:18:16or he gets confused.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- How old is he? - He doesn't like me to say.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20He doesn't like me to share that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Does he drink a lot?- Well...
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And so this is the anchor, yeah?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Am I right? I know enough to get by.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33So, this is the anchor and then
0:18:33 > 0:18:36if you want to stop somewhere you drop the sail - is that right?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Where are you from, then? Wales, right?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Wales, South Wales, Port Talbot.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, I love the accent.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Do you?- Yeah, it's beautiful. - Seriously?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Yeah, it's really lyrical.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Ah, begin at the beginning.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51You've just got to make your mouth, like, begin.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- To begin.- Yes, but you have to push your lips out.- Begin.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57SHE LAUGHS
0:18:57 > 0:18:59To begin at the beginning.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01To begin...
0:19:01 > 0:19:02SHE LAUGHS
0:19:02 > 0:19:05That sounded angry, really.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:21 > 0:19:22It's a lovely house.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I mean, it's better than Byron's, isn't it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28You've got a lovely balcony there. Looking out over the bay.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31See if you can get my face and it in so it's legible.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Don't look ironic.- I'm not.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36It's not a flattering angle but it's got all the information, so...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Did you like it? Was it nice?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45It was busier than I was expecting.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Spoilt by tourism.- Yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Yeah, when Shelley lived there it would have been deserted.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Yeah?- Do you want to go back to San Fruttuoso?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53- Yes.- Yes?- It was lovely there.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58That's a lovely sight.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I'd like to show her the ropes.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I'd like to show her my rope.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Yeah, I'd like her to charm the rope out of my basket.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I'd like to see her drop her anchor in my Bay of Poets.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Well, she wouldn't drop her anchor, you'd be the one with the anchor.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11No, she could drop her anchor.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- No, she doesn't, you drop your anchor.- You're absolutely right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I'd like to drop my anchor in her boat.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You're getting your metaphors arse about tit.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Now you drop an anchor and she...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22ROB LAUGHS
0:20:23 > 0:20:24You nearly went over the side.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- No, I didn't.- You did. - I didn't.- You panicked.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Yeah, all right, I panicked, big deal.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You did, you completely panicked!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33The panic's a survival instinct.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36What would Daniel Craig have done? He wouldn't have gone "Ohhh..."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Daniel Craig, when they announced he was playing Bond,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41he turned up on the Thames in a speedboat wearing a life jacket.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45That's for insurance. Whereas Roger Moore would have asked for one.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- AS ROGER MOORE:- Cubby, I wonder if Bond at this stage would be wearing
0:20:49 > 0:20:52a buoyancy aid of some sort.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Perhaps wings.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Water wings... Perhaps a rubber ring around his midriff.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Just belt and braces.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02And did you get my memo about the handrail?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Are you going to swim in, then?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I could swim in.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Yeah, right.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Watch me.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Swiss self-winding, 10,000.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42MUSIC: "Um Mitternacht" by Gustav Mahler
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Superb!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59This is exactly how I imagined it, you know,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02from reading about Shelley.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Sort of very simple but very romantic in the grand sense.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07- Yes.- Yeah?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12There's something quite melancholy about this place, isn't there?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It's like getting stranded on a desert island.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Yeah, only not as hot.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19The desert doesn't mean hot.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Desert just means there's no people there. There's going to be water.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- It just means deserted.- I know that, I know that. Don't you think
0:22:25 > 0:22:29everything's melancholic once you get to a certain age? I do.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34I think you've really got to just try and enjoy life, you know?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I mean, even your mouth starts to naturally droop down.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42No, that's relaxing. That's just muscles relaxing.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Garrison Keeler said, "When you're under 40,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"seeming unhappy makes you look interesting.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"But once you're 40 and beyond, you've got to do everything
0:22:51 > 0:22:55"you can to smile, otherwise you just look like a grumpy old man."
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Morrissey.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Byron was famously gloomy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Come and have a drink.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10OK.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Yep, I've still got it. A bit shocked, aren't you?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Not really - I've always told you that it was a possibility.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27You know, so you're an acquired taste, but, you know...
0:23:29 > 0:23:33What will people remember of us in 200 years' time?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Er...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I don't think we'll be remembered, to be honest with you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43No.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I mean, if... There's a big if. - If we are...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49..either of us are remembered,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I would say that it would probably be me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What would they most remember?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56What would be celebrated about you, do you think?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Six BAFTAs.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You've got five BAFTAs.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Yeah, but I'll probably get a lifetime achievement.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- True.- If I survive.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You could have it posthumously.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I like to think if you did win it posthumously,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'd be the one to accept it on your behalf.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Unless, of course, if I was the architect of your death,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19in which case I'd still like to receive it from my cell
0:24:19 > 0:24:21via satellite link.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Thrilled to have this. Er...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28you know, I killed Steve for the good of mankind.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Do I regret what I've done?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Not really, because I think the world's...- Lights out!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- I've got to go. - Brydon, lights out, you nonce.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yeah, that's not what I'm in for,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but I accept it as a general derogatory term.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44DEEP VOICE: Come on, Rob, come to bed.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46All right, Melvyn, I'll be a minute.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Anyway, that's all from me. - I want a cuddle.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Yes, all right, I'll give you a cuddle. Please just wait.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Erm, so anyway, on Steve's behalf, thanks for this.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56He would have loved it but, you know, he's gone.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Come on.- Yeah, all right.- I'm horny!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I want to go on the inside...of the bed, of the bed, of the bed.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Not the inside of the inmate.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05The inside of the bed.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Did you see this? Michael Winner's memorial service.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12And Michael Caine and Roger Moore were sat there,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15the two of them, and they looked old, cos they are old.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- AS MICHAEL CAINE:- I don't think we've ever been this old, Rog,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I'll be very honest with you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25AS ROGER MOORE: We've 'ad a pretty good innings, though, Michael.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29You just dropped your H, Rog. Why was that? That's not like you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33You just said "We've 'ad a very good innings, Michael."
0:25:33 > 0:25:37What's the matter, Roger? I'm Michael, you're Roger.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I haven't the time, Michael. I really haven't the time.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I'll tell you the time, Rog. It's getting late.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Do you take my meaning?
0:25:46 > 0:25:52Oh, Michael, do you remember back in '88 when we made "Bullseye!"?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Ah, glory days.- Happy days.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Tragically superseded by the television version of Bullseye.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01With Jim Bowen?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04With the great James Bowen.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08180!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I would have loved to have you in as the voice of the scores,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13it would have been lovely.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15There's only one word for that - magic darts.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I mean, I think if you and me had been doing Bullseye together...
0:26:18 > 0:26:19There's only one word for that - magic darts.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Yeah, there's only one word for that - magic darts.- Magic darts.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There's only one word for that - magic darts.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28There's only one word for that - magic darts.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31There's only one word for that, Master Bruce - magic darts.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Thank you very much, I haven't been playing for long.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'd better go and call Jo.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42See you in a bit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58'This person's phone is switched off.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01'Please try later or send a text.'
0:27:01 > 0:27:03So, how did you end up here?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09My boyfriend had a boat. We sailed together.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Then when we broke up I had to find work, so I got a job on the crew.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17It must be fun.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Sometimes.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Do you have children?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27No. I wish I did. Do you?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Yeah, I've got a daughter, Chloe.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33She's three.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Aw!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38She is gorgeous.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Do you miss her?- Yeah.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44It's been two days, so I'm...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I'm not pining but...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- POSH ACCENT:- "Is thy face, like thy mother's, fair, my child!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58"Chloe, sole daughter of my house and heart.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04"When last I saw thy young blue eyes they smiled and then we parted."
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- Is that your Hugh Grant impression? - Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes, yes.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I think that Steve's absolutely right,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13I do find it very difficult to - oh, gosh, crikey - say a poem
0:28:13 > 0:28:16unless it's in somebody else's voice. And Hugh just happened to
0:28:16 > 0:28:20be passing, you know, on the beach, and he popped over for a blow.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24..by blow account of what was going on.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"Sorrow is knowledge: They who know the most
0:28:29 > 0:28:33"Must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth
0:28:33 > 0:28:35"The tree of Knowledge is not that of Life."