0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- Hello.- Steve? It's Rob. - Oh, hey, hey.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- How's the show going?- Just finished, just started the hiatus.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews,
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- another six lunches.- Really?
0:00:17 > 0:00:22But this time in Italy. La bella Italia, yeah? What do you think?
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Well... - They'll fly you to Europe.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- First class? - No, they're offering business.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Thou art more beautiful and more temperate.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
0:00:43 > 0:00:47and summer's lease has all too short a date.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Aren't those lines of Mr Shakespeare?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Yes, I don't like to quote my own work.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Aha!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- You OK? - Yes, fine.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- How was last night? - Fine.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Can you elaborate?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I don't want to talk about it and that's not the cue for an ABBA song.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Well, I think when most people say they don't want to talk about it,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48it means it didn't go very well, but with you,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I'd infer that it went pretty well.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Yeah, too well.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Very green, isn't it?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00It is.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Molta verde.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Giuseppe Verdi sounds very fancy, Joe Green.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Joe Green.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Roberto Brydone. Sounds classier than Rob Brydon, doesn't it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Yeah. - Stefano Coggani.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Yeah, I prefer my name in Spanish, Esteban.- What is it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- SPANISH ACCENT:- Esteban.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You sound like a bull fighter.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22The bull is... muy morte.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26No, no morte el toro! You bring home the bull, we milk the bull.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Don't milk...- We don't milk the bull, we milk the cow.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Yeah, we don't want to milk a bull, Rob,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- not after what happened last time. - That was a misunderstanding.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38You know that was a simple misunderstanding, I was just... happened to be on the farm.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I've always been an animal lover, you know that.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Right, just a quick one.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Look at that hair. George Michael in the Careless Whisper video.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Why do we have to do this?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02A picture is worth a thousand words.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's not how I imagined it would be.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I've never seen so many deck chairs.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Really reminiscent of Rhyl.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Ever played the Sun Centre in Rhyl?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No. No, that's on my to do list.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23See, you've got Shelley there on his funeral pyre.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Byron staring wistfully into space, that's Trelawney,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28he's the guy that commissioned the boat so...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Oh, that's a bit awkward.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Hence he's staring at his feet.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34They wouldn't sue in those days, not like they do now.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Have you been injured at work while composing romantic poetry
0:03:37 > 0:03:43on a boat, call now. 0800 471 471, you could win up to £5,000.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Like Mr Shelley.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Guineas, yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51You could win up to 5,000 guineas, like Mr Shelley from the UK.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53They wouldn't call it the UK.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Like Mr Shelley from Great Britain.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But this is a very idealised version of everything,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I mean he wouldn't have looked like that, he'd been
0:04:01 > 0:04:05bobbing around for two weeks so he'd have been bloated beyond belief.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Yeah, everything looks better in a painting, doesn't it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:13I sometimes think that one day I will be, and so will you, on a slab.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Yep.- You'll have a little tag round your toe
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and somebody will be there embalming you.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Yeah.- Do you ever think that? Because it is going to happen.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Unless you're lost at sea and we can't find you, which is unlikely.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30You will one day lie on a slab. You will, you will!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It's better to accept it, you're going to be on a slab.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And then, and you'll be naked, then somebody else will dress you.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Yeah well, I...- I would imagine with you that will happen sometime
0:04:40 > 0:04:43before you actually die, somebody else dressing you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I see you in your later years, having to be dressed.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I will, and I'll be dressed by a very attractive young nurse.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yeah, but you'll be able to do nothing with her,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53absolutely nothing with her, because your mind,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56you'll be like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and your mind
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- will still be as active as it is now. - I'll still be able to sort of clasp her hand as she walks away.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04No, you won't. There'll be no groping at all and that will absolutely kill you from the inside,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07because she'll lean over you knowing, and she'll taunt you with her breasts
0:05:07 > 0:05:10and there'll be nothing you can do and I'd love to be there.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I would love to be there. - I don't know what films you've been watching.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Do you know what I do? I read for Steve.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Have you heard what Rob Brydon does for Steve?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Steve is more or less a vegetable, but Rob goes every day and reads,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and the only reason I do it is to be there watching you unable
0:05:22 > 0:05:26to reach out to your Filipino nurse. Knowing how much it's hurting you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Now Trelawney is worried,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36because he's concerned that Byron is going to take Shelley's skull
0:05:36 > 0:05:38because he already had a skull which he used to drink from.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Yeah, you see, that lets Byron down,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43because all that sort of great passionate poetry
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and then you find out he's drinking from a novelty mug.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I would use your skull, not as a novelty mug.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I would saw off the top, like you do when you eat from a monkey.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And I would mount it on the dashboard of my car.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Keep the top as a lid.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes, and use it as a cup holder
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and put on the best of Partridge on the MP3 player.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I'd laugh my head off while looking at your head, literally off,
0:06:07 > 0:06:12pop the latte into your head, and if I was entertaining someone I'd say...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14They'd sit there, I mean your work is great, they'd say,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"Isn't he funny?" I'd say, "Not just funny, he's holding my coffee."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Did you know there's another bloke who died on the boat with him?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yes, and they buried him, they burned him the day before.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Yeah. - The warm-up man.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Forgotten. A footnote in history.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30If you die with somebody more famous than you...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- It is terrible, like Diana... - Mother Teresa.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Mother Teresa. - Nobody mentions Mother Teresa.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Right, I shall drive as per our agreement.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43You can have the new experience of being a passenger.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46You sure? It's not new. I've been chauffeur driven many times before.
0:06:46 > 0:06:52We are going to Palazzo Lanfranchi in Pisa, where Byron lived,
0:06:52 > 0:06:57and it is on the Lungarno Galileo Galilei.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I'm now in fourth gear, OK? Is that all right?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04All I said was reverse is next to first,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07it's very easy to select it unwittingly.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I'm not slagging you off, I'm alerting you to what might happen.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Crossing the Rubicon here.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16No, this is the Arno.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Look, we're in Pisa. Can we go and see the Leaning Tower?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Galileo used the tower of Pisa to illustrate gravity.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29In all seriousness, Galileo was a great, great man.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Can't go left there, there are bollards.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Vilified by the church, persecuted.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why can you not turn left?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37As was Marconi, because the church always persecutes people
0:07:37 > 0:07:38who come up with scientific solutions.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Not even a proper road, there are umbrellas in there.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44And then years later, of course, completely vindicated.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47That's telling me to go there, that's telling me I can't.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh, hang on. In right here. Go there, go there, go there.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Why do backs sweat so much?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Because you get hot in the car and you're pressed up against leather,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02so you're bound to sweat, aren't you?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yeah, but that's this fashion for leather seats,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06never happened with velour.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Jaguar blow cold air through the seats to make your back cool
0:08:11 > 0:08:14and I used to think that was an indulgence,
0:08:14 > 0:08:15but I might get one now, get a Jag.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Palazzo Lanfranchi. Byron lived here.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Palazzo...Anne Franki?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Lanfranchi.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I thought that was in Amsterdami. Are you sure it's Byron's?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29There's no plaque.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Please take a photograph.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I'm just asking why there's no plaque.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I don't know why there's no plaque but please take the photograph.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Ask this lady.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, scusi, sorry. Palazzo Lanfranchi?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Si, yes. - Did Byron live here?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46No, Byron lived on the other, in the other Palazzo Lanfranchi,
0:08:46 > 0:08:47they had so many palaces.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Right, and Shelley, where was...?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Shelley lived over there, where you see the ruins?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53There's no palaces any more.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Si. Si, grazie.- Arrivederci.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Grazie mille.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Aw, she ignored you.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Where are we going now?
0:09:04 > 0:09:09It's in the dossier, the sexed-up dossier in the rear of the car.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15OK.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"Set in a wooded hill overlooking the valley below
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"in the heart of Tuscany, La Suvera in Pievescola
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"is an historic villa full of precious antiques and heirlooms.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Do James Mason.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- AS JAMES MASON: - "In the heart of Tuscany,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"La Suvera in Pievescola is an historic villa
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"full of precious antiques and heirlooms."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Could we now please have Mr Neil Kinnock?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- AS NEIL KINNOCK:- Oh, all right. "Once a medieval fortress
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"and later a papal palace."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46That's the best thing you do. That is the best...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- The best thing I do? - That's the best thing you do.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54The sign says go the other way.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Yeah, but the Sat Nav said go this way.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00No, I think the signs were right and I'm the navigator.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02It would help if we got over 40 miles an hour.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06All right. See I changed down then.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Yeah, I loved the crunch sound that you made when you did it as well.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I'm hungry, so let's just stop at the first place we come to.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Oh! Oh, come on, somewhere, please.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You can see things, you can see villages or towns
0:10:25 > 0:10:27but you never actually get to them.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Eventually, eventually we'll... I'll sniff one out.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Trattoria Albana.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Thank God for that, food.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Care to explain this?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51IN PETE AND DUD VOICE: 'Ere, what are you doing
0:10:51 > 0:10:54with the Casanova's autobiography in your sandwich box?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's just research, that's all.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Just going to plump up the articles with a bit of culture, you know.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04This is just extracts. The full thing is 800 pages.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07How long was your book? Your autobiography?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I can't remember. 300, 200 and something? 300?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12200 of that's got to have been padding.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14There's not much padding. I'll be honest with you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Have you read it? - No, of course not, no.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I mean I've skimmed the index in WH Smith's, saved myself the £1.99.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And seeing your name, you weren't tempted to dip in and have a look?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25No, I saw it. I just wanted to make sure I got a mention.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Yeah, I speak very highly of you, yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'm sure you do, didn't doubt it, that's why I didn't need to check.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Prego.- Grazie.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Ideally he'd open it, but there we are, it's a start.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah, well, you got to pay extra for that.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41No, it's good. It's about 300 pages long,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46I only go up to winning the British Comedy Award.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48For the first time.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, how many have you won?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Three.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Really?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- You cheeky bugger. - Wow.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Look at that genuine shock. Genuine shock, you bastard.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'm genuinely shocked - three?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Can you mask your genuine shock? There's an idea.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Grazie.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Seven. That's how many.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I thought I'd answer the silent question that was hovering.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Which is...- Buono, buono, bene.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24What could you possibly write about that could fill,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26what was it, 100 pages?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29300. 300 pages, I mean, I don't know what you...?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Well, since you asked.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I was born 3rd May, 1965, South Wales, Swansea.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Are these the highlights?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42In a little nursing home called, ironically enough, The Bryn,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46given the great accolades I would enjoy later in my life
0:12:46 > 0:12:48playing a character of that same name.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52"Bryn" means "hill" in Welsh, and I've often wondered how different
0:12:52 > 0:12:55my life would have been if my mother had chosen instead
0:12:55 > 0:12:57the nearby James Bond Home for Expectant Mothers,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59so I start with a gag.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01And this made the final edition?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05My parents were young when they had me, my father a car salesman.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08We lived in Baglan, near Port Talbot.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'm a bit worried there's been crossed wires here
0:13:10 > 0:13:13because you seem to have started telling me your life story.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I'm reciting the book.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16We're still on page one so settle in.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Have you written yours then?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24No. No, I haven't.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I've written the Partridge autobiography -
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I, Partridge, We Need to Talk About Alan.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- Do we? - Yeah. Very successful. I mean very.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40Five stars. I don't know if I've seen more five-star reviews.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Ah.- Ravioli, pasta.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Remind me at some point to tell you about the time I co-piloted
0:13:52 > 0:13:55a fighter jet from RAF Norfolk. Not now but another time.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59No, you've already told me that story, on more than one occasion.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No, I probably gave you the bullet points.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- No, it was quite extensive. - We've got time here so...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06No, we haven't. We really haven't.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- This is good.- You know we're not that far from the hotel,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11you know that, don't you? About ten miles.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- I know.- Because I checked a thing called a map.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That's what they used to use in the olden days, Rob.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Fine, so when we get to the hotel, we'll enjoy the hotel.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yeah, we could have been eating there now.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22This is good, what's wrong with this?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Nothing wrong with this. - This is good ravioli.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32"He possessed two of the most important ingredients of greatness,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"total self-confidence and super-abundant energy.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40"He feared nobody, he was equally at home in a palace or a tavern."
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Tick, tick, tick. - "A church or a brothel."- Tick.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"He was totally devoid of a sense of morality, love for him..."
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Well that's not me.- "..had no connection with evil, it meant pleasure pure and simple."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52That's not me I've got a moral compass.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Oh, yes, you have a moral compass, it's just you don't know where it is.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I do have a moral compass and if you gave me three days,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I could find it in the attic.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02When was the last time you found yourself wondering,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"Oh, I wonder where my moral compass is?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06"I could do with it now."
0:15:06 > 0:15:08When I've needed it, I've managed to root it out.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10But when? What sort of occasions would they have been?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12This is what I'm curious to know.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15OK, when I appeared before the Leveson Inquiry,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I think I probably laid my hands on my moral compass then.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Cost me £450,000 in legal fees when I tried to sue News International
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and it doesn't make you very popular with certain people.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26But you know it's the right thing to do,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28so that's why I'm different from Casanova.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Byron had a...17-year-old mistress.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43She was married to a 60-year-old nobleman and they all lived together,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46everybody knew about it, and of course, they were then exiled
0:15:46 > 0:15:49to Pisa because they were fighting for the Carbonari.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Really?- Yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I mean I like Carbonara but you know...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Would you fight for one? - No.- No?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57No, I mean Italian food's nice but it's not that good.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Do you know what I'd fight for? - I'd fight for a curry.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- I might fight after a curry. - I'd fight for a seafood linguine,
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I think, that would get my gander.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yeah, a good spag bol, I wouldn't fight but you know, I'd...
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Stamp your feet?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10No, I'd flick someone on the side of their ear, quite painfully.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Flick someone like at school.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Like that, like that. "Ah, fuck off."
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Boys at school used to do that, didn't they? I used to hate that.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Were you a flicker or were you...? - I was a flicker and a flickee.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I was neither, but I watched at the side
0:16:21 > 0:16:23and I saw the flickers and I felt...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I felt what they were doing was wrong and I felt sympathy for the flicked.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28And the afflicted?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30For the afflicted, yes.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32No, I got in there, you know, and I was, you know.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Oh, yeah, you saw injustice and you went in to sort it out.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- I did, you know.- All right.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Did you front a campaign called Flicked Off?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Protecting the victims of flicking.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53- Grazie. - Prego.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Hello.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Hey, how's it going?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Great, great, we're a bit... Well, it's all right, we're a bit lost.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh, dear, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'm just calling to remind you that I'm coming out tomorrow.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Oh, great, that's good.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11With Yolanda, the photographer.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13What, the same photographer as last time?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Yeah, yeah. Is that OK?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, who booked her?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I don't know, I think it was the Observer.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Is that a problem? Because I can always try to change it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25No, no, that would be rude.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I'm sure it'll be fine.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29All right, great...for you.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33All right, well, listen, I'll see you tomorrow.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Can't wait. - All right, lovey. Take care, ta-ra.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So our photographer who's coming tomorrow
0:17:43 > 0:17:46is the same one we had last time.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Really? - Yeah. Yolanda.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50The one you slept with?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Is that going to be awkward?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Be interesting.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57How do you do it?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Just take your trousers off...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Serious question. - And your underpants, socks optional.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I'm seriously asking you, how do you do it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- It's reputation. - You're famous?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14No, although I don't see any reason to not use everything
0:18:14 > 0:18:16you've got in your arsenal.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18People say, "Oh, she only slept with you because you're famous."
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And you say, "They only slept with you because you're good looking and young."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25They sleep with me because of my semi-justified reputation
0:18:25 > 0:18:27for being something of a Lothario.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31But it was the same with Byron and Shelley, Casanova.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Byron said he felt like he was 60 because he'd had so many affairs,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- 36 when he died. - Yeah, well, he's still...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Ten years younger than us, and a bit.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44So we are more than ten years older than him now
0:18:44 > 0:18:48when he was complaining about how old he felt.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50We're ten years ahead of that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52His girlfriend was still half his age.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56When he was in pieces, Shelley fell in love with a 17-year-old.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59She was only 17.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- AS MICHAEL CAINE:- She was only, she was only 16 years old.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06AS MICHAEL CAINE: No, she was only 17 years old.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Sounds good.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Do you miss Misha?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Misha was in her mid-20s, you know that, don't you?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Yeah, I'm saying she's younger.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16But it's not like a connection with the 17-year-old.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, I was trying to ask you a serious question
0:19:18 > 0:19:20in a sensitive way. Do you miss her?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Yes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29She's the last chance I had to have a real, you know...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33We came together through our mutual enthusiasm
0:19:33 > 0:19:38for sexual intercourse, and that could easily have evolved
0:19:38 > 0:19:42into a family and children and growing old but...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44it was not to be.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I try not to think about it really, otherwise I get depressed.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54What's the optimum age for a woman, for a man's partner?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- We'll age. - Most men, mid-20s. 26, maybe?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02You know, old enough to be a woman and have a rounded view of life,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06but young enough not to have acquired baggage
0:20:06 > 0:20:08that they then off load onto you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12As I grow older, I've looked at a photo album the other day,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16as I get older in the pictures, my girlfriend stays the same age.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19They're like Doctor Whos, they just keep changing.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Would you like to drive, because I've had a lot to drink.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I will drive because I...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29But would you drive in an orderly manner, not as if
0:20:29 > 0:20:32you're Emerson Fittipaldi taking part in the Paris-Dakar Rally
0:20:32 > 0:20:36and not instructing me on how you change down before a corner.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I will neither drive like Emerson Fittipaldi,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42neither will I drive like a district nurse.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I will drive briskly but safely.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47How do you rate the wild boar?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Very nice, quite aggressive.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51An aggressive meat.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- They come at you. - Yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Once they're on the plate, you're safe, I think, as a rule.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Grazie.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I'll get this, Steve, please.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It's time to play, Guess The Amount.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Contestant today is Steve Coogan.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08The Observer's picking up the tab.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Yeah, all right.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Steve comes from the town of Pedantry in the North of England.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Steve, is the amount, A - 76.50 euro,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18B - 350 euro,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22or C - 2,475,000 euro.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Remember, Steve I can only take your first answer.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27A.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Is the right answer, you're going home richer, well done.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Good night, everybody.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35That's good. That's the wine as well, everything in there.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- But it is in the middle of nowhere, you know what I mean?- Yes, I know.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Factor in taxi fares, it would be 300 euro.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43MUSIC: "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette
0:21:43 > 0:21:45ROB SINGING ALONG: # Is she perverted like me?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49# Would she go down on you in a theatre? #
0:21:49 > 0:21:52You're stretching all the vowel sounds out. It's very staccato.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Du, du, du, du, du, du,"
0:21:54 > 0:21:56you're doing, "da, da, de da, de da."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, I'm sorry!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"La, la, la." Her whole thing is anger.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Anger comes out like a machine gun, a rapid "da, da, da, da."
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Our new coach on the voice, Steve Coogan.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11If you've never been angry because a man has dumped you, because...
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Well, of course I have. How can you be so insensitive?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Of course I have, and I think you know who he was.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Well, channel it. Channel it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I think you know only too well which incident I'm referring to.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Look me in the eye and tell me you don't.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# It's not fair to deny me
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- STEVE AS ROGER MOORE: - # And I'm here to remind you
0:22:33 > 0:22:37# Of the mess you left when you went away
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# It's not fair to remind you... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Roger Moore sings the very best of Alanis Morissette,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47including You Oughta Know.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50# You seem very calm
0:22:50 > 0:22:54# Things seem peaceful now... #
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Oh, like being at home.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Like all your fans.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05ROB SINGS: # Cos the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# To make it enough for you to be open wide
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# Open wide! #
0:23:10 > 0:23:13She doesn't say open wide again like that, ever.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14# Open wide. #
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Could we sing it without you correcting me?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# But you're still alive
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# And I'm here
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# To remind you
0:23:24 > 0:23:28# of the mess you left when you went away
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# It's not fair
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# To deny me
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Of the cross I bear... #
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Wow, look at that. Isn't that beautiful?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Yeah.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46So you have reserved the Duke of Genoa suite and Napoleon suite.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Which is bigger?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, both are very nice.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Yeah. - I think I should have the Napoleon.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- If it's based on height. - Or complex.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58This is your sitting room.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Right.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02And this is your bedroom.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You have a beautiful view.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Wow, that is...stunning.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I'm going to show your friend his room.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18OK, of course, yeah.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I like your uniform. You look like an air stewardess.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24That's, that's...in a good way.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31And this is your room.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Amazing.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Yes, it's my favourite room.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Yeah, I'll bet.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Hi, Rob, it's Donna.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I'm just calling to check you got my e-mail with the script pages?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02No, I haven't. What is it? What's the part?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05It's a really good part. It's a supporting role,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08but you're going to be great in it because it's very sympathetic
0:25:08 > 0:25:10and people will love you in it, really.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You'll be playing an accountant for the Mob.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Oh, brilliant, all right. Comedy?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17No, it's a thriller.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Really, why me?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23You're perfect for the part. You look like an accountant,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27and also you're totally unknown in America, which is what they want.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yes, very good.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Yes, you've got to put yourself on tape and e-mail me.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Yeah, I can do that. I can have it with you by tomorrow.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh, this is good news, this is exciting.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It is. It is exciting, yeah. How's Steve?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43He's fine, he's fine. He's a bit pissed off
0:25:43 > 0:25:47about the show ending, but other than that, you know, same as ever.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Che bella palazzo.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07It's the sort of place that Byron would have rented.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Ciao, buonasera.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Buonasera.- Buonasera.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16She's got a lovely gait.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Probably padlocked.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Oh, yes.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26There's very little separating Byron from Brydon.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Yeah. - Just a D. That's all there is.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Yeah, but the almost anagram of your names
0:26:33 > 0:26:37is the only thing that you would have shared, isn't it,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41because what Byron represented is probably the antithesis of you,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44because he was shaking the tree from the word go,
0:26:44 > 0:26:49until when he popped his clogs, and that ain't you, mate. And...
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I'm not a risk taker. I'll admit that, although I have played Risk.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55And he's a good swimmer.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Again, yeah, yeah.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59He struggled with his weight when he was in Italy,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02not many people know that about him, he was a bloater.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05OK, so maybe now, Rob, we're finding something more solid.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Like him, I am fighting the Carbonara.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Oh, this is lovely.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13You could sit here for a good seven or eight minutes more.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20MUSIC: "Go No More A-Roving" by Leonard Cohen
0:27:26 > 0:27:29AS AL PACINO: You know when I imagined where we'd be,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31ten years ago, this is it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36When I imagined where we'd be, ten years ago,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40this is what I wanted.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I love you. I love this city, I love this house.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47AS MARLON BRANDO: Now when I imagined where we'd be, ten years ago,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49this is what I wanted.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52You know. You know.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58IN VARIOUS VOICES: You know. You know. You know.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08AS WOODY ALLEN: There's too much going on, I can't just close the door
0:28:08 > 0:28:13and leave it behind, you know. My head has to be out there.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21IN SIGMUND FREUD VOICE: I think it is very unlikely you'll get this part
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and you have to come to terms with it I'm afraid, it's very unlikely.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25I know.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Well, why you bother then?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Oh, you know, give it a go.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30But I think it's very unlikely.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I know.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Then why are you doing it?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37AS SEAN CONNERY: Why are you doing it, you fucking idiot?
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Because I think I might get it.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I think it's very unlikely that you'll get it.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Why?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Because you are an inferior talent.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Really? You think so.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Yes, I do.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Well, I can hardly hear you.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Why is that?
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Because your head is up your fucking arse.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# The night was made for loving
0:29:02 > 0:29:09# And the day returns too soon
0:29:09 > 0:29:15# Yet we'll go no more a-roving
0:29:15 > 0:29:21# by the light of the moon
0:29:21 > 0:29:24# We'll go no more a-roving... #