0:00:44 > 0:00:48- # Christmas comes but once a year - It's just as well
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# A time for all to have good cheer
0:00:50 > 0:00:52# It's that as well
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# Christmas comes but once a year
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# A bite full of baccy and a belly full of beer
0:00:56 > 0:00:58# Our relatives come from far and near... #
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Well, you can't have everything, can you?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04# Eating the turkey roast Oh, ain't it nice?
0:01:04 > 0:01:09- # Round a fire, warm as toast - Toilet's just like ice
0:01:09 > 0:01:13# Too much noise, and too much grub Did they have to shut the pub?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# Roll on Boxing Day
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# Oh, but we wouldn't be without it Wouldn't be without it
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer
0:01:24 > 0:01:28# Especially around this time of year
0:01:28 > 0:01:33# Father's talking politics With his paper hat on
0:01:33 > 0:01:37# Mum is going bonkers cos the Christmas cake's been sat on
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# Uncle's gone to pieces since he got that jigsaw puzzle
0:01:41 > 0:01:45# Auntie Nora bought it him He bought her a muzzle
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- # Christmas comes but once a year - It's just as well
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# A time for all to have good cheer
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# It's that as well
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# Christmas comes but once a year
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# A bite full of baccy and a belly full of beer
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Our relatives come from far and near... #
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Well, you can't have everything, can you?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- # Newlyweds Lorraine and Don - Oh, they can't half scoff
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- # She wants to have the telly on - He wants to have it off
0:02:12 > 0:02:17# Chocolate papers, cigarette butts I think I'm going crackers and nuts
0:02:17 > 0:02:20# Roll on Boxing Day
0:02:20 > 0:02:23# Oh, but we wouldn't be without it Wouldn't be without it
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it
0:02:25 > 0:02:28# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer
0:02:28 > 0:02:32# Especially around this time of year
0:02:32 > 0:02:35# Gather round for the Christmas speech
0:02:35 > 0:02:36# God save the Queen... #
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Hooray!
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- # Someone mucked the picture up - Her face is green
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- # Can't go out because it's pouring - Grandma's jawing, Grandad's snoring
0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Cat's been sick on the parquet flooring... #
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Still, you can't have everything, can you?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53# Presents around the Christmas tree, just take your pick
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- # Pine needles fall into your tea - Gives it a kick
0:02:57 > 0:03:00# I'll never eat again the rest of me life
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# My health's gone sour and so's the wife
0:03:02 > 0:03:04# Rabbit-rabbit, rabbit-rabbit Rabbit-rabbit, rabbit-rabbit
0:03:04 > 0:03:06# Yak-yak, yak-yak
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# We would be without it Wouldn't be without it
0:03:08 > 0:03:10# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer
0:03:13 > 0:03:15# Especially
0:03:15 > 0:03:21# Around this time of year. #
0:03:21 > 0:03:24CHEERING
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Oh, wotcher, Sid. - Wotcher, George.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- I got you a pint in, look. - Oh, lovely, thanks.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I thought you must be round the corner here cos I saw all the others
0:03:52 > 0:03:55move into the main bar.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56How are your feet, by the way?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00There's nothing wrong with my feet.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'm on the Odour Eaters now.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I had them, once.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Ain't half hard to swallow, aren't they?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Look, there's nothing wrong with my feet, Sidney.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13They all went in there to see Chas and Dave.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15A special seasonal attraction.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Oh, that's what it was, is it?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I thought the regulars had got drunk earlier than usual this year.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I put it down to Christmas.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25They'll be drunk till New Year, once that lot get started.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Eh, that reminds me, have you had your invite yet?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29What invite's that?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Invite, New Year's Eve!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33The government, as a special bonus,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35they're going to throw a street party
0:04:35 > 0:04:39for all the unemployed all over Britain. New Year's Eve.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Is that right?- Yeah. They're going to hold it up the M1.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Could be a bit dangerous that, George,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50you know with all them juggernauts and whatstheirnames.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51No, no, it'll be all right
0:04:51 > 0:04:55as long as we don't get a table in the fast lane, Sid.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57It's a joke, it's a joke!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00David Attenborough told it on...Songs of Praise.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oh, I get it!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Oh, I see, yeah. Yeah, I expect they would,
0:05:08 > 0:05:09they'd close it to traffic for the day.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Oh, they would, yes, they would, yeah(!) Give me strength.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Talking about wildlife, George, you know,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I've got a bit of a problem with Lil.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Have you?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Nothing that a good solicitor won't cure, I've told you that before.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It's not that, it's just the other morning, I came down the stairs
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and there was an American letter lying on the doormat.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34American letter? Oh, dear.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Still, could have been worse, couldn't it, eh?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43My cousin Ivy's got a pen pal lives in Paris.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Who was it from?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Buck.- Eh?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Buck.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Well, there's no need for... Who?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55My American cousin, Buck in El Paso.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, yeah. How is he?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, as a matter of fact he's got a bit of a problem and all, you know.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Has he?- Cos you know he's a bit of a whatsaname, don't you?- Who, Buck is?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Oh, yeah. Bit of an animal lover. - An animal lover?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Yeah, well he keeps and breeds these rare species, you see.- Oh.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And he's moving to a smaller place
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and he asked me if I'd like one of his pets, you see.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Well, you know, George, what I'm like about animals, don't you? Eh?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- You know what I mean? Love 'em, don't I?- Yeah.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That's why I married Lil.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Yeah, I remember, Sidney, I remember.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah, she likes 'em and all.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You proposed to her in a zoo, didn't you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28That's right, that's right.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Well, I thought it might make a nice little surprise present for her,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35you see? Seeing as I didn't give her one for Christmas.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Didn't you? That's not like you, Sid.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Anyway, it's a good idea, save you a few bob, an' all, as a present,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- wouldn't it, eh?- Yeah. - What kind of a little pet is it?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It's a buffalo.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Buffalo? - Yeah, a buffalo.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53You're going to give Lil a buffalo?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56A great big evil smelling hairy thing like that?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Oh, she's not that bad with a bit of make-up on.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I'm talking about the buffalo, Sid.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You can't keep a buffalo in Croydon.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Why not? Fella next door to you's got a cat.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Yeah, I mean, look at the trouble that causes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Just imagine if it was a buffalo getting over the fence
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and having a go in my rhubarb.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Anyhow, it might escape and meet another female lady buffalo.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, don't be silly, George.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Who else is going to be stupid enough
0:07:25 > 0:07:27to have another buffalo in our area?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29How about your brother?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, yeah, I forgot about him.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You see, they might breed, mightn't they, eh?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Then before you know where you was,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37you'd be up to your neck in breeding buffaloes.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Funny enough, Buck's neighbours weren't too understanding
0:07:40 > 0:07:42about that sort of thing. You know, they used to bang on the wall.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Disturb the buffaloes during the mating season.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47No consideration, some people, have they?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48- How many's he got?- 14.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52End of it was he took them all down the communal gardens
0:07:52 > 0:07:54for grazing and what have you, you know?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Then this lorry passed and backfired and of course you know
0:07:56 > 0:07:58what buffaloes do when they're frightened.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, I can imagine, yeah, yeah.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, that's what they did, all over Buck.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06What a way to go.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Stampeded.- Oh, they stampeded and all, did they?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14They reckon he was up to his neck in whatsaname.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15He would be, yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Plaster.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19No, as you say, you see,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23even if Lil did get to like it and take to it as a pet, let's face it,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25she'd only end up being called Buffalo Lil.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Of course she would, yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's all right to give her a present
0:08:29 > 0:08:30as long as it's something reasonable.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32How about a shoal of piranhas?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36She's always saying she wants you to give her a surprise in the bath.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I'm right with you, George. The more I think of it,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44a buffalo just wouldn't fit in this area, would they?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47No, of course you wouldn't. You just follow my example, do as I do,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50you can't go far wrong, right? Happy New Year.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51There's a blooming great kangaroo
0:08:51 > 0:08:53hopping up and down in the road outside.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Blimey, Skippy must have slipped his leash. I'll have to go.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07we are pleased to welcome Mr David Essex singing...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09By the way, that is not his real name.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- Isn't it?- Oh, no.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Only calls himself that because that is where he was born.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I don't believe you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17A lot of people do that, you know?
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Julie London, Susannah York, Stratford Johns, Burt Lancaster,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Shirley Anfield.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Ah, no. I know Shirley Anfield, she was not born in Shirley.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- She was born in Luton. - In a field in Luton.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Why don't you do that? - Oh, I daren't.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Not where I come from. - Where is that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Berkhamsted.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Ladies and gentlemen, David Essex.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:08# The nights are colder now
0:10:09 > 0:10:13# Maybe I should close the door
0:10:15 > 0:10:20# And anyway the snow has covered all your footsteps
0:10:22 > 0:10:25# And I can follow you no more
0:10:26 > 0:10:30# The fire still burns at night
0:10:31 > 0:10:35# My memories are warm and clear
0:10:38 > 0:10:45# But everybody knows it's hard to be alone at this time of year
0:10:48 > 0:10:53# It was only a winter's tale
0:10:54 > 0:10:57# Just another winter's tale
0:10:59 > 0:11:04# And why should the world take notice
0:11:04 > 0:11:08# Of one more love that's failed?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# A love that could never be
0:11:14 > 0:11:19# Though it meant a lot to you and me
0:11:19 > 0:11:25# On a world-wide scale, we're just another winter's tale
0:11:40 > 0:11:43# While I stand alone
0:11:45 > 0:11:48# A bell is ringing far away
0:11:51 > 0:11:56# I wonder if you hear I wonder if you're listening
0:11:57 > 0:12:01# I wonder where you are today
0:12:02 > 0:12:06# Good luck, I wish you well
0:12:07 > 0:12:12# For all that wishes may be worth
0:12:13 > 0:12:16# I hope that love and strength
0:12:16 > 0:12:22# Are with you for the length of your time on Earth
0:12:24 > 0:12:29# It was only a winter's tale
0:12:30 > 0:12:34# Just another winter's tale
0:12:35 > 0:12:40# And why should the world take notice
0:12:40 > 0:12:44# Of one more love that's failed?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49# A love that could never be
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# Though it meant a lot to you and me
0:12:54 > 0:12:57# On a world-wide scale
0:12:57 > 0:13:02# We're just another winter's tale
0:13:04 > 0:13:08# It was only a winter's tale
0:13:10 > 0:13:15# Just another winter's tale
0:13:15 > 0:13:20# And why should the world take notice
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# Of one more love that's failed?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29# A love that could never be
0:13:29 > 0:13:33# Though it meant a lot to you and me
0:13:34 > 0:13:38# On a world-wide scale
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# We're just another winter's tale. #
0:13:51 > 0:13:54APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I haven't actually been here myself before but I hear some frightfully
0:14:12 > 0:14:14good reports about it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16They are doing some rather interesting things.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I wanted, anyway, my dear,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22to bring you to a place that has a certain sort of ambience.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You mean atmosphere?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Atmosphere, dear. Yes. Ambience.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29HE SLURPS
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Ah.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41The food, of course, is de rigueur, but so too is the decor,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45the whole surroundings, you know, the ambience.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47HE TAPS BOWL LOUDLY
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Ah! HE SLURPS
0:14:52 > 0:14:56I like a place that has a certain sort of elegance,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59as our French cousins would say, you know?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00One likes an aura of...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02HE BELCHES Oh, dear.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05HE BELCHES
0:15:05 > 0:15:07..Of sophistication.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I absolutely demand, er...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Waiter.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Waiter? ..Top-quality service and, erm...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27All done by the region, you know?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Yes.- I mean, the place does have a certain, erm...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40The place does have a certain...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41How can I put it?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Ambience.- You notice it too, do you?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Oi! Garcon!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Where's the sauce? You know I like flipping sauce.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I've only got one pair of hands, you know?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Flipping sauce.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Has a certain sort of standard, you know? A sort of je ne sais quoi.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Oh, look at her, look at her! Wahey!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Very nice, too.- Waitress?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- They don't rush you at all, do they? - No, they certainly don't.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Oh, manners.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Waiter, I think we're ready to order now.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25You're going to have the...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- What? Why?- You aren't wearing a tie.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You're asking me to leave because I'm not wearing a tie,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35you're letting him stay although he has the table manners
0:16:35 > 0:16:37of a demented warthog on heat?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Yes, sir.- Well, I'm sorry, but I demand to speak to the manager.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Certainly. Mr Ferguson?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah, what's the matter, what's the matter?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Tonight I've been asked to be brief.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And...they don't come much briefer.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Our producer actually is a man can't stand rambling.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12He's a little bit fragile, had a little bit too much, you know...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14at the BBC party.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16A little too much senna pod punch.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22No, I joke. No, he is actually one of the few people I know
0:17:22 > 0:17:24who can pickle onions by breathing on them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And he is obsessed with gadgets.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30When he goes out of his office,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33he leaves his swivel chair on automatic pilot.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37He has a solar heating panel at home which is so sensitive
0:17:37 > 0:17:40that when Esther Rantzen smiles on television, the kettle boils.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Actually, it's funny...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48It's funny I should mention the Christmas party just like that,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51you know, because it was at the Christmas party
0:17:51 > 0:17:53that I heard the joke I'm going to tell you tonight.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Now, once again, I'm afraid, it's not much of a joke.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59But then it wasn't much of a party!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03To give you an idea of how cheapskate the BBC have now become,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06there's a 10% service charge on the coffee vending machine.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11The party, as usual, was held in the studio, you know,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Studio One next door.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16In fact, during the afternoon, it had been used for Panorama
0:18:16 > 0:18:19and they were still sweeping up after Michael Foot.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24No, he was being...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It's not been seen yet, the show.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30He was being interviewed about his appearance in general,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and the rumour that the moths in his jacket
0:18:32 > 0:18:34had applied for a home improvement grant.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I'll be honest, it was a little bit of a dull affair, this party.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45After 10 minutes, the Britvic barrel had run dry...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49..and, as usual, the BBC hadn't provided any records at all
0:18:49 > 0:18:54for the record player so we had to dance to a doughnut.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Anyway, all of a sudden more people turned up than expected
0:19:03 > 0:19:07so they brought in their emergency plan to make the food go further.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09They got Big Daddy to sit on the crisps.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16Incidentally, talking of my wife and children, please, I almost forgot,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19a little wave to my youngest daughter.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Thank you for the lovely new string vest you bought Daddy for Christmas.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Stop worrying. She's worried. Worrying it's the wrong size.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Stop worrying, dear. I'm wearing it now. Look.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38No, we all like to know our gifts are appreciated, and,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I've got to be honest, at the moment I'm in the doghouse at home.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44My bedroom's being redecorated.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48However, I was telling you about the BBC party.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Now, it was all a bit quiet...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52at this party because, over in the corner,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Percy Edwards was nesting in a bowl of Twiglets...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00..and it was at this point I happened to run into my agent
0:20:00 > 0:20:02who I'm very, very fond of, who found me years ago,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05to be honest, working in obscurity.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09I was a resident MC in a confessional box.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10To be...
0:20:12 > 0:20:16To be honest, things aren't all that much better now.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The other day, I was booed off a speak-your-weight machine.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24But I digress. Now, here's the joke my agent told me at the party.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28And it's the one about the two men who work for London Transport.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32That's not the joke, by the way. I wouldn't make any unkind jests.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, no. Let's not make any unkind jests about London Transport
0:20:35 > 0:20:36because, let's face it,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39they're doing their best to get us back on our feet.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Now, one night, these two chaps come out of the pub, you see,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47after a somewhat boisterous late-night party.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50The landlord had an extension, which we won't dwell on.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And they find the car won't start, you see?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56So, quick as a flash, the first one says...
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Or was it the second one?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Anyway, he says, "Duh...
0:21:00 > 0:21:05"Why don't we go to the bus station," he says.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Because he's not stupid, this chap.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Just thick. He said, "Let's go to the bus station,"
0:21:12 > 0:21:15one of them says, "And borrow a bus."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Good idea," says the other one.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"We'll borrow a bus and drive home in that."
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I don't think they'd have got
0:21:23 > 0:21:25too much out of Smiley's People, these two, by the way.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29So they walk down to the road to the bus depot
0:21:29 > 0:21:31which is all shut up for the night,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and a minute later, there they are, in the garage,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36deciding which of the buses to drive home.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And after they look around for a minute, the first one says,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Um, ain't that just our luck," he says,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"There isn't a single 71 among the lot of them."
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And the other...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52And the other one says, "How stupid can you get?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54He says, "How stupid can you get?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"All we've got to do is take a 92 and get off at the roundabout."
0:22:05 > 0:22:09HANDBELL MUSIC
0:23:18 > 0:23:21HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE APPROACHES
0:23:24 > 0:23:27DISCORDANT BELLS
0:23:36 > 0:23:40MUSIC: Deck The Halls
0:24:08 > 0:24:11DING-DONG MELODY
0:24:19 > 0:24:23MELODY CHANGES KEY
0:24:31 > 0:24:35DING-DONG
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Ah.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Ah. We're enjoying it immensely.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I have a house party with me for the weekend.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54BELL RINGS
0:24:55 > 0:24:57It's for you, sir.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Hello?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Oh, right. By all means, certainly. Thank you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's the BBC saying could we make this the last carol
0:25:12 > 0:25:16because they want to get on with the next item of the programme.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Would you care to join us in a carol, sir?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I'd be more than delighted, my dear.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Oh, thank you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24My, but it's cold, to be sure.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32MUSIC: Good King Wenceslas
0:26:01 > 0:26:04DINGDONG
0:26:55 > 0:26:56That's great, isn't it(?)
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I come home, I've got to go straight back again.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00You promised Sandra you'd bring the tree.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03You're late home from the office party and you've forgotten it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Of course I'm late.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I'm the boss, I'm the host - it's staff relations.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Yeah, what about your own relations? You don't think about them.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Oh, there, there, Sandra. Look! Look at her crying.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- Shut up. And hurry back. - Hurry back? What for?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- What kind of a life do I have? - Better than you deserve.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Do you know, sometimes I don't know why I married you.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Nor do I. You'd have done better with Edgar Wintlow.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I probably would!
0:27:35 > 0:27:3820 miles for a flaming damn Christmas tree!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Roll on Easter.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I'll skin the so-and-so who sold me them doors.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO
0:28:05 > 0:28:08'We interrupt this programme with a warning to motorists.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12'We're receiving reports of strange lights in the sky over a wide area.'
0:28:13 > 0:28:16You want to take more water with it, my son.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17'In the Home Counties,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20'unusual electrical interference is also causing...'
0:28:20 > 0:28:22RADIO STATIC
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Oh, interfere with yourself!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26RADIO OFF
0:28:26 > 0:28:30'There have also been reports of radios switching themselves back on.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32'The Air Ministry spokesman has refused to...'
0:28:32 > 0:28:35ELECTRICAL DISTORTION
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Typical. I've just had this serviced!
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Oh, I know what they've done. They've gone and put two-star in.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07There was nothing about THIS on the forecast.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Basildon?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Basildon? It's Christmas Eve.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Why would I be going to Basildon?
0:29:31 > 0:29:32Anyhow, my motor's snuffed it.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Snuffed it?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Looks all right to me.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- ENGINE STARTS - There we are.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- There we go.- Oh, very smooth.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Been going to evening classes, have you?
0:29:47 > 0:29:48Where are you from then?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53All right, don't tell me, then.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Well, if you want to know,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I'm from a small planet in the system Cassiopeia.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Alpha Drogon. In the outer ring of the Andromeda galaxy.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Oh.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Very nice. What's your name?
0:30:06 > 0:30:07Ted.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11That's a bit ordinary, isn't it?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I would've thought if you'd come from right up there,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16you'd be called Thrag or Squogloff or something.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18No, we're all called Ted.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22So what are you doing in this neck of the woods, then, Ted?
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Well, I missed my spaceship.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Ah. And where was that bound?
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Basildon.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29(Ask a silly question.)
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Do you fancy a roll-up?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Now, listen, mush, if you're extra terrestrial, I am the Pope.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Oh, that's a turn up.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40So, in that case, this is the Popemobile, is it?
0:30:40 > 0:30:44If you start extracting the Michael, son, out you get, right?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Look, I'm ET, straight up.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Well, straight up and a bit to the left, you know?
0:30:49 > 0:30:52This is a close encounter you are having.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54And we all know what kind. Take your hands off my knee.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00Look, I'm kosher. I'm a master of the secrets of the universe.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Prove it.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Take a card.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Take a card?!
0:31:06 > 0:31:08All right, ask me a question.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Go on, anything you like. Something profound.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16What is the meaning of Stonehenge?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Nice one, nice one.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Very simple, that. Doddle.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23You know these exhaust centres where you go in and the bloke says,
0:31:23 > 0:31:28"Put it up on the ramp"? Same thing...only for flying saucers.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Right, that's it, that's it. Enough's enough. Come on.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Out of it. Out of it.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Go on, you can walk back to Basildon yourself.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Come on, come on. Be shrewd, be shrewd.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47I've got my transporter. I can beam you up, Scotty.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I don't want to go up Scotty.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54I'm going to go back to my office to collect the Christmas tree,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57all right? So you can transport yourself back to Basildon.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58- And good luck.- Wait a minute!
0:31:58 > 0:32:02No, it's a time transporter.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Take you back 100 years.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Plenty of trees, no problem.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Oh, pull the other... Argh!
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Blimey. It's a British Rail winter break weekend.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Don't worry, it's the ice age. It often happens.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I must have come back 100,000 years by mistake.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48ROARING
0:32:48 > 0:32:50What's that?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Well, it's not a brass monkey, that's for sure.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Let's get out of here.
0:33:00 > 0:33:01See?
0:33:01 > 0:33:06100 years ago, 1882, Christmas trees everywhere.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Where's my car?
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Oh, dear, I must have left it in the ice age.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Never mind, they can always invent the wheel
0:33:15 > 0:33:17and the XJ6 at the same time.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19Ah, here's a good one.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Oi! You there!
0:33:26 > 0:33:29- I know that bloke. - Ugly looking article, isn't he?
0:33:31 > 0:33:32That's my great-grandfather.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Hey, he used to be a gamekeeper. We've got photos of him.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Hey, Great Grandad, it's me, little Sydney.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Stay where you are, you blackguard!
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I must go over and introduce myself!
0:33:44 > 0:33:48- No!- Damn poachers. - Come on, run.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Stop or I'll shoot.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52I'll set the dog on you, you ruffians.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00HE HOWLS
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Here.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- This is where I live. Is it 1982?- Yes.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- Who's got the tree?- I have.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19- It's enormous.- Well, it's grown.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20100 years.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Never mind all that. I'm just glad to be home, that's all.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Yvonne will be wondering where I am.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28The fact is, I don't think she will be.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38What's this? Edgar Whitlow?
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Get off her. Get off my missus.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Yvonne!
0:34:44 > 0:34:46They don't seem to be paying any attention to me.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Sorry about that. You don't exist.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- What?- Well, it's our fault, really.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57We ran away and your great grandad had an accident jumping that fence.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59What kind of accident?
0:34:59 > 0:35:00A very nasty accident.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Consequently your great grandad never had your grandad
0:35:04 > 0:35:07and your grandad, needless to say, never had your dad.
0:35:07 > 0:35:12And your dad, since he didn't exist, of course, never had you.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14You aren't, I'm afraid, old son.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17- Aren't what?- Aren't nothing, I'm afraid.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23But my Yvonne. And my little Sandra.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Where's Sandra? Who's this lot?
0:35:27 > 0:35:31I'm afraid your Yvonne and Edgar Whitlow begat those.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35Once Edgar Whitlow began to begat, he went to begot a lot.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39My wife married a sex maniac.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Well, we could all say that, old boy.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- Where are they now?- Well, they've popped upstairs for a moment.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50But I want my little Yvonne, I want my little Sandra!
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I want my little home.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54You weren't saying that earlier on in the evening.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57You should have counted your blessings when you had them.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00- Well, I'm off.- What?
0:36:02 > 0:36:07- Looks like my minicab's here. - Don't leave me here.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09You're not here, mate. You don't exist.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Why can't we go back 100 years and make great grandad well again?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Go back 101, knock the fence down, more like it.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Aren't you going to take me, then?
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Sorry, mate. I'm due the other side of the galaxy in half an hour.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27Well, that time transporter thing, chuck it down!
0:36:36 > 0:36:39How long have you been there?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Oh, what a horrible bump.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- Well, I...- Poor thing. Come on.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- Let's get you in.- Oh.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47Come on.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Oh.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Here, where's that ruddy Edgar Whitlow?
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Edgar? I don't know. At home, I suppose.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59And where's Sandra?
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Hello, Dad.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Are there eight little boys in there?
0:37:03 > 0:37:04Where?
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Where's the tree?
0:37:06 > 0:37:07Tree?
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Didn't I come back with a big tree?
0:37:11 > 0:37:13You've just been in the garage, love.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Your father's not quite right, Sandra.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20It's that bump on the head, love. It's made you a bit senseless.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21On the contrary, Eve,
0:37:21 > 0:37:25I think it's finally returned me to my senses.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29- Happy Christmas, darling. - Hello, hello, hello.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Come on, put her down now. Hey, want a Christmas tree?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- We've got two by mistake. - Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Look at that. Thanks, Edgar.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40- A tree! A tree!- They said there's going to be snow in the forecast.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Oh, and there's the carol singers.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46THEY SING GOD REST YOU MERRY, GENTLEMEN
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Mistletoe. May I?
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Yeah, help yourself. As long as it's not eight times!
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Right, let's get this load of scrap to Basildon.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23- Morning.- Good morning. Good morning.
0:38:23 > 0:38:28Are you Dr Spalding, the specialist who helps people with bad memories?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Excuse me a moment, would you?
0:38:42 > 0:38:43Yes, I am, yes.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Yes, now what seems to be the problem?
0:38:48 > 0:38:51- I can't remember.- Oh. Well, then how can I cure you?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53No, I mean I don't mean I can't remember.
0:38:53 > 0:38:54I mean that is my problem.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- You know, I keep forgetting things. - Oh. What sort of things?
0:38:58 > 0:38:59I can't remember.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02How long have you been having this problem?
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- What problem? - This is getting us nowhere.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09Why don't I take your personal details - name, address and so on -
0:39:09 > 0:39:13and then, after that, we can discuss your problem?
0:39:13 > 0:39:14- Excellent.- Right.
0:39:22 > 0:39:23Well, I'll be getting along.
0:39:26 > 0:39:27I knew there was something.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30I was trying to remember my name.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Oh, of course you were.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34It'll be in my appointments diary, won't it?
0:39:34 > 0:39:37- What?- Of course it will. Let's have a look.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Must be in here somewhere. Ah, yes, here we are. Yes.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45According to this, you are April 1st.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48My God, I must be the Queen of England.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50No, that would be silly, wouldn't it?
0:39:50 > 0:39:52I know what you could do, why don't you ring your wife
0:39:52 > 0:39:54and then she would tell you what your name is?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57That's a good idea. I shall ring my wife because she has the same number
0:39:57 > 0:39:58- as I have.- Oh, what's that?
0:39:58 > 0:40:03How should I know? Anyway, I'll ring directory enquiries.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Hello, can you give me my telephone number, please?
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- Oh, thank you very much.- Any luck?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Yes, apparently it's 9.45am, precisely.
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Hello?
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Guess who? Who? Good gracious.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24- Did they tell you?- Yes, apparently I'm someone called Thunder Thighs.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27We're getting somewhere, aren't we?
0:40:27 > 0:40:31Now, Mr Thunder Thighs, where were you born?
0:40:32 > 0:40:36- It's very difficult to say. - Oh, that place in Wales, you mean?
0:40:36 > 0:40:39That one? Yes, it is damn difficult to say.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41I'll just put Cardiff, I think.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Cardiff. Sex?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Funnily enough, I was looking at that this morning,
0:40:48 > 0:40:49I made a note of it.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52It's completely gone.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58Completely gone.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Right, while we're trying to find out what sex you are,
0:41:02 > 0:41:03why don't we have a drink?
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- What? What a good idea. What have you got?- Well, at the moment,
0:41:06 > 0:41:07I've got a very severe case of amnesia.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09- Well, might as well open that.- Yes.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13I know what you'd really like.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Why don't we have a nice...
0:41:15 > 0:41:18A nice... Oh, dear, what are they called?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22My secretary gives it to me every afternoon at four o'clock.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26It's in a cup.
0:41:26 > 0:41:27A bosom?
0:41:28 > 0:41:29A bosom!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32How about a nice bosom to warm you up, yes?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35- I'd love that. - Oh, good. Black or white?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39- White, please.- White?
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Oh, well I'll have the same.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Then we shan't have to split a set, shall we?
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Miss Thing, Miss Thing.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46We'd like two bosoms, please.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Could you bring them in straight away?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Yes. No milk in mine.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57Good heavens.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00Good heavens, you're not wearing any...
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Not you, Miss Thing, I'm talking to this gentleman.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05You're not wearing any of those...
0:42:05 > 0:42:07What of the...? What are they called?
0:42:07 > 0:42:10The things... You know, those. You're not wearing any of those...
0:42:10 > 0:42:11What you put on in the morning.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- Kettle?- No.
0:42:14 > 0:42:15- Before that.- Terry Wogan.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17No.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20- What are the things that go up your leg?- Dogs.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Something that does up?
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- Does up? A charlady?- A charlady.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Yes, well, something like a charlady.
0:42:29 > 0:42:30An au pair. An au pair.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33A dog's au pair. Well, not a dog's au pair.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35I mean, I had a dog called Towser once.
0:42:35 > 0:42:36It's an au pair of Towser's.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39An au pair of Towser's. An old pair of trousers.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Goodness me. You're not wearing any either.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Good heavens. So I'm not.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51This calls for shock therapy.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Shock therapy?
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Now, sit down there and face front.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56Now, very soon I'm going to go...
0:42:56 > 0:42:58- WAA!- Oh!
0:42:58 > 0:43:00You're right, it's worked! It's all came back,
0:43:00 > 0:43:02I've remembered who I am.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04I'm the Secretary of State for Employment.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09- I should forget that again, if I were you.- I beg your pardon...
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- BOO!- Oh! It's worked with me too.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13My memory has returned completely!
0:43:13 > 0:43:16Goodness me. Do you know, I even remember what sex I am.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17Oh, and shall I tell you something?
0:43:17 > 0:43:19- What's that? - I remembered what sex I am, darling.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- Forget it!- Forget what?
0:43:22 > 0:43:23Forget what?
0:43:27 > 0:43:30Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of our Christmas show.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32We'd like to thank our special guest David Essex,
0:43:32 > 0:43:34the charming actress Brigit Forsyth
0:43:34 > 0:43:37and everyone else concerned in the making of the show.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and we hope you have.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Yes, I'm afraid we won't be seeing you again until next year,
0:43:42 > 0:43:43but to tide us over, the BBC
0:43:43 > 0:43:46have very kindly given us a steady job starting tonight.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49- So it's a merry Christmas from me. - And it's a happy New Year from him.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51BOTH: Good night.
0:44:05 > 0:44:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media