0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Good evening, how nice to see you.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Hello, good evening.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34- Good evening to you. - Good evening, how are you?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Oh, hello, good evening.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40How nice of you to look in. Welcome and a very merry Christmas to you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- Yes, come on in. We've been wondering where you got to.- Quite.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Still, you're here now. I'm afraid we can't introduce you to the others, but the house is
0:01:48 > 0:01:53- so crowded you'll soon get to know everybody.- Intimately I should think. We're playing sardines later on.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Are we really? ..I'm rather good at that.- Oh, really?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Yes, well, very few people can get into those tins, you know!- Oh...
0:01:59 > 0:02:04- Oh, I'm sorry. Please, come on. - Do go through. They're having a bit of a dance at the moment.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Ah, reverend, how nice to see you...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Ah, there you are. That was pretty damn good, wasn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I hope you joined in, did you? That's the idea.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Have a drink, old chap.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- By Jove, I need it. - You were dancing, weren't you?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13- Yes, I was out there with the rest of them.- Yes, I thought I couldn't see you.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I've been looking for you. Were you on the floor?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Several times, yes. HE LAUGHS
0:05:18 > 0:05:21By Jove, it was hell out there.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Mind you, of course, I was dancing with Mrs Bull.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Mrs Bull, I don't think I know the woman.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Yes, you do. Six foot tall, built like the side of a house.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33With an enormous veranda and welcome on the mat.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, very low-cut lace curtains?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Always hanging out of the window trying to catch your eye.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Yes, I know the woman.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Husband's got a smallholding. - Has he?- Yes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Yes, on the estate. She must have been damned difficult to cope with.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Well, she was, what with her size.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I didn't know where to look for the best.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Somebody suddenly pushed me in the back, I thought I'd gone deaf for a moment.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yes, I get the picture. How did you manage to get rid of her, old chap?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Well, fortunately, she went in search of refreshment.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12She said, if I joined her later, she would have a nice blancmange waiting for me.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I think you'll be safer here, old chap.
0:06:14 > 0:06:20Talking of nice blancmanges, I'd like to introduce the Lady on my left, Ethel, my nearest and dearest,
0:06:20 > 0:06:25the dear girl who has been my helpmate and comforter and who, since the death of my horse,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28has been the sole object of my love and affection.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33She's stuck to me through thick and thin. Lately, I fear mostly thick.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39But the man who marries late in life needs a girl of Ethel's qualities to support him in his declining years.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I drink to Ethel, a girl in a million.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53- The wife's knocking about somewhere here as well, I don't know where. - I'll look for her on your behalf.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57What's the point, old man? You wouldn't know what to do with her when you found her.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01She's not much good for anything, except for frightening sheep.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Excuse me, what's going on? Just a minute.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06What do you want, my dear old thing?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12What? Someone's what? Someone's pinched your what?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14In the where?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Are you sure it wasn't just an ordinary goose, old thing?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Well, I suppose you'd know, yes, big girl like you.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Well, I say, this is damn serious, isn't it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:29- Don't tell the chef whatever you do. - What's occurred?- Well, I...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Excuse us a moment, would you? ..Come over here.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What?!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Someone has pinched her what?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41In the what?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Are you sure it's just not an ordinary goose?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- She ought to know. In fact, I know she knows.- How d'you know?
0:07:47 > 0:07:52She boils my eggs for me. This is damn serious. Ought we to tell the others?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I think we jolly well better, yes. I'm, er...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I'm afraid we've had a bit of bad news.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Someone has pinched the turkey.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Tomorrow's dinner up the spout. Down the drain. Out the window.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11Now, all this may sound rather trivial, but the point is it was no ordinary Turkey. It was enormous.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- It weighed nearly a hundredweight. - Especially bred on this very estate
0:08:16 > 0:08:18in honour of these very Christmas festivities.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21More meat on it than any bird you've ever seen.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Except that woman I was dancing with.- Yes!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Yes, excluding her, naturally. A fearsome creature.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Yes, she was. Boom-boom. - No, the turkey, the turkey!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Where, where?- The chef was waiting to stuff it.- Oh, the turkey?- Yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Just in time, yes. Bred especially to feed 50 people.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Think of those people all sitting down to Christmas dinner tomorrow.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Everyone wanting a leg.
0:08:43 > 0:08:50Yes, and no turkey. Think of those six kitchen maids especially brought over from Paris for the occasion.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Think of the chef.- What?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57- Think of the chef.- Sorry, I was still thinking of the kitchen maids. But that chef, he'll go mad.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03- Mind you, he is mad.- Yes, I know, but he'll be down in the kitchen at this moment happy as a sand boy.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Having got tonight's little repast out of the way,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09he's beginning to get into serious training for the main event tomorrow.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13He's probably downstairs at this moment juggling with some little trifle or other.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:03APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:40APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:04APPLAUSE
0:11:27 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, there you are.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Lucky you sneaked out, old chap.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00That blancmange woman has passed here twice asking where she could get hold of you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Yes. I, er... I told her to try everywhere.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09She already did that during the last dance.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15I wasn't actually hiding, but I've been making arrangements to solve the turkey mystery.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- On your behalf, I've sent a telegram to London.- Whatever for?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23To engage the services of a certain detective and his assistant.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29A man who, though almost unknown, will one day become world famous, a household name throughout Britain.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33It isn't that chap I've been reading about lately in the Strand Magazine, is it?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Not that what's his name, Warlock?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Shylock. Shylock something or other. Shylock Houses.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You mean Sherlock Holmes.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44ALL: Sherlock Holmes?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49No, not Sherlock Holmes. No, no, you see.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Piggy Malone. Piggy Malone.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Yes, thank you.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06And his assistant Charley Farley. ALL: Ooh!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Who, did I hear you say? Who?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Well, you may not have heard of them as yet,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20but I'm told they're behind very many lurid criminal cases.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34SNORING
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Chief.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Chief!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Just put it on the bed.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Oh, it's you, Charley, what do you want?- Are you busy?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yeah, trying to get some sleep.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep all day yesterday, you know?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You slept all night, though.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- It's not the same, is it? - Yes, well.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What's that? A telegram?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- A telegram.- Where is it from? - From the Post Office.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Oh, really.- They need our help. - What have they done? Lost a stamp?
0:14:11 > 0:14:17No, it's Hampton Grange. They've asked the post office to see if they can get in touch with us.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- It's clever, isn't it? - Didn't you know about telegrams?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23No, whatever will they think of next?
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- Putting the price up probably. Read it out.- All right, all right.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"Prize fat Turkey stolen.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"Nothing to feed 50 guests on for Christmas dinner.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"How about you coming down?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I don't think that's very funny.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Are you sure you read that out right?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"If you solve the mystery, we'll pay you well
0:14:46 > 0:14:50"and your assistant can spend the night with Lady Hampton."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Eh?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"My best wishes, Sir Giles Stop."
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Sir Giles who?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Sir Giles Stop.- Give it here.
0:15:01 > 0:15:07"If you solve the mystery, we'll pay you well and your assistant stop.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Can spend the night stop.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15"With Lady Hampton and my best wishes, Sir Giles stop."
0:15:18 > 0:15:22It's worth going, isn't it? Better than spending Christmas at Edna's.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Two shrivelled up mince pies and lucky to see any custard.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Well, she's your sister. - No, she's not.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- Eh? - I thought she was YOUR sister.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40She's not my sister.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Oh, well, that settles it, then, off to the country, eh?
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Lovely big country house, all the trimmings. This, that and the other.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- What d'you mean?- A bite of this, a drink of that, plenty of...
0:15:52 > 0:15:58I don't want you letting it go. Remember what I promised your mum.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Anyway, we can't go.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Why not?- I've got to stay and look after Harry's pigeons. - Next door, you mean?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Yes, he's gone away for Christmas and he wants me to let them out.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Let them out, then shut the cage.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12They'll be all right.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Come on, this lovely, rich country house.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Think of all the beautiful woman that must be there with the low-cut dresses and their eyes a-shining.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- No, we're not going.- Think of all the drink and the fat cigars.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I said we're not going.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Think of all the food!
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- Come on, then. - I'll sling a few things in the bag.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41- Send a reply to let them know we're coming. We must leave at once.- Right.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Ooh!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Good evening, good evening. I'm not stealing these birds.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I'm, er... I'm just looking after them for a friend.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06He asked me to keep them shut in and to let them out every day.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09During the night.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm an international detective, P G Malone.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- It's me, chief.- Eh?! - You didn't know that, did you?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20It's very good, that. Where did you get that?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22From a joke shop. It's a disguise set.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Just what we need for our trip to the country.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Have you got one for me an' all? - There was only one beard, but I've got something just as good.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Come on, wait until you get into the cab. Come on!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38That suits you, chief.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Do you think so?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46No one will know you at Hampton Grange.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Nobody knows me anyway.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Excuse me.- Yes? Oh...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I think...- No, no!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- They're coming.- Who? - The detectives.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- They're on their way here by cab and should be here in three hours. - That's marvellous!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17The detectives are on their way! That's marvellous, isn't it?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Until then, I suggest we forget all about it. It's only a damn Turkey.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Right.- I wonder who the swine was who pinched it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- You said you were going to forget all about it.- So I did.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- Anyway, I'm just about to announce a little entertainment.- Lovely!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Ladies and gentlemen... ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:36 > 0:18:41we're honoured to have in our midst tonight a charming and talented actress,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44that darling of the music hall - Miss Cheryl Kennedy.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56She has... She has agreed to give us her famous portrayal
0:18:56 > 0:19:03of a young urchin boy of the London streets in a monologue entitled Christmas Bells.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15'Ear the bells a-ringing, Bill?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17That's cos it's Christmas Eve.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20But it ain't for you and me there's a ringing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25When we is cold and hungry, Bill, it's hard to make believe
0:19:25 > 0:19:28as we can hear the happy angels singing.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32If we had a bed to sleep in, and could get a bit to eat,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36then bells of angels voices might remind us,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40but not when you're a doss, Bill, in the cold and cruel street,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44where the bobbies are nearly always sure to find us.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49It's dreadful hard on you, Bill, cos you're such a little kid.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51What didn't or know a bit of sorrow,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and wouldn't if them Christian folks'd do as they would bid.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58My old man's birthday's gonna be tomorrow.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01But it was him what said, "Let little children come to me."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05And meaning just such little coves as you, Bill.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10But I ain't got no chance, cos I'm 14, you see.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14And I tell you, as I knows a thing or two, Bill.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You can't sell evening papers so to get a bit to eat,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20like I've done since the time I was seven,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24without picking up enough of badness in this street
0:20:24 > 0:20:26to leave no earthly chance to get to heaven.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Them coves that comes around with tracks, sum me up a treat.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37I'm an outcast, poor, lost sinner.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Perhaps they'd be the same if they'd been brought up in the street
0:20:40 > 0:20:43and hardly ever had no proper dinner.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46But, Bill, when you and me is dead,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'll come along with you and you shall introduce me as your brother.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55And 'im who knows what sorrow is is sure to let me through.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Because why, we've been such pals to one another.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Ain't we, Bill?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05APPLAUSE
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Come in.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They you are, Ronald dear.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Hello, Mrs Featherstone.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40This is my niece, Emma from Shropshire. Do you remember her?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44You used to love playing with her toys when you were a lad.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Really?- You must remember?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yes, I remember her toys.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54How lovely to see you again, Emma.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Thank you, Ronald, what a charming house.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03I'll leave you two alone together, I know you've got lots to discuss.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Thank you.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Do sit down, Emma. - Oh, thank you.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31You've got a much bigger girl since I saw you last.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Yes.- A beautiful dress you are wearing,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37it's a delightful corsage, you are not cold, are you?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39No, no, no.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42You're not too hot, are you?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- No, I'm quite comfortable, thank you.- Oh, good.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Would you prefer to go and sit in the other room?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Er, no.- You're sure?- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Would you like to sit here?- No.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Good. You would say?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'm quite happy here, I don't want to move.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, good.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I know, I could move this chair over to here,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- then we could sit side by side.- Good.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Or...- Or what?
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Or I could move that chair over here and then you could either sit there,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37or there, or where you are now and it would not matter to me.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- Shall I?- Er, no.- Now you're angry. - No, I'm not.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Yes, you are.- I am not.- Honestly?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Honestly.- Yes, you are. - I am not!- You're sure I'm not fussing you to much?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Yes, quite sure.- Good, perhaps you would like a nice drink?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, that would be most welcome.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- A glass of sherry?- Yes, please.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00They're serving a delicious port.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Well then, I'll have the port. - Right.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- Have the sherry if you'd rather? - No, I'll have the port.
0:24:06 > 0:24:12- Perhaps you'd just prefer something to eat?- No, just the port.- Silly to drink port on an empty stomach.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- I'll have the sherry, then. - The port's better.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Oh...- Now you are angry. - No, I'm not.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22- Would you like to go and sit back with your aunt?- No. - Shall I sit with her?- No!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Well, should either of us both go, separately or together or not? It's up to you.- Oh!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Now you are angry.- No. - Would you like a seat?- No!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Shall I get another chair?- No. - A glass of sherry?- No.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- A glass of port?- No! - Am I fussing you too much?- Yes!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37God, I thought she'd never go!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55My friends,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58or may I call you ladies and gentlemen?
0:24:58 > 0:25:05I have been asked to make a speech, but before I do, I'd like to say a few words.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Before I do that, I tell I must feel you that I've had a few.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16Drinks, that is. Not words. Mind you, quite a few words have passed my lips in my time,
0:25:16 > 0:25:21and of course that's what life is all about, isn't it? Communication, the spoken word.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27It is essential we know that what's going on and indeed what isn't going on that should be.
0:25:27 > 0:25:33We must communicate with each other and also with anyone else we happen to meet, because everyone,
0:25:33 > 0:25:40and by everyone I mean everybody, can and in fact does, or if they don't at present
0:25:40 > 0:25:45they very soon will, because to be honest, everyone has to eventually.
0:25:45 > 0:25:51Or as we all know, and those who have had the experience will bear me out.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53And the sooner, the better.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57In other words, we must try to regard the nation as a whole
0:25:57 > 0:26:01and those who think it is one should get out and make room for the others.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07There's no room here for shirkers, this country has a great future behind it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I mean, have you ever...?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Have you ever wondered what we shall all be like in 100 years from now?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Well, we'll be dead.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Yes, we'll be dead, thank you, little Disraeli.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29We will be dead, but this land of ours will be a Garden of Eden, take my word for it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34Today for instance, we have the penny post, but then they will have two posts.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Oh, yes. The first class post that doesn't get there the next day,
0:26:38 > 0:26:43and the second class post that doesn't get there the day after.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Transport, you see, will be quite different.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52We shall have 30 horsepower omnibuses.
0:26:52 > 0:26:58Worked by only two men, one to drive and the other to clean up after the 30 horses.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10I predict that many minority groups will seek the vote.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Dogs, horses.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Even women!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And I think horses will probably get it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19As to women, that could lead to trouble.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Mind you, I'm not denying some women have a perfect right,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26but on the other hand, they got an equally good left.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Where do women get these ideas about wanting to wear the trousers?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33In my opinion, they should drop them completely...
0:27:33 > 0:27:38and assume their rightful position, bent over the sink. I mean...
0:27:38 > 0:27:44If that isn't proof of the pudding, if proof were needed, then I don't know who has.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48To sum up, you may drink to the girl with a face that's divine.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50To the girl with a figure that's wavy.
0:27:50 > 0:27:56You may drink to the girl from blue-blooded stock, you may drink below-stairs with the slavey.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01You may drink to the girl who is one of the boys, who goes out with the Army and Navy.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05But here's to the girl who was both rich and old,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08to the girl with one foot in the gravy.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Ladies and gentlemen...
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Ladies and gentlemen... absent friends.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Well? Did you find out why we've stopped?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37The cab driver's lost a leg.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I know that, I noticed when we first got in.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Wooden leg straight out in front of him.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I thought you had to catch hold of it when you got in the cab.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- You didn't? - I did as a matter of fact.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50- What did he say?- Nothing.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Just overbalanced and fell in the gutter.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58I still don't see why we stopped. He's only just sitting up there!
0:28:58 > 0:29:03- It shouldn't matter if he has got a wooden leg. - No, he hasn't got one, he's lost it.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- Eh?- He's lost it. The wooden leg!
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Oh!
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Said he was feeling a bit tired and he dropped off.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17So did his wooden leg. Wants us to go back and look for it. It can only be down the road.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22I'm not crawling about in the dark feeling for cab driver's legs!
0:29:22 > 0:29:28Come on, chief, otherwise we'll never get get there! He said he's not going another step without his leg.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33I've a good mind to go back to Edna's.
0:29:33 > 0:29:39Come on, think of all those people standing about the Grange, all looking miserable.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Poor souls.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I must say this is all going with a swing.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58It certainly is, what about these French maids, they are pretty hot stuff!
0:29:58 > 0:30:01How would you like one of those for Christmas?
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- I bet they make pretty good stocking fillers!- I bet they do.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:32:56 > 0:32:59MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:16 > 0:33:19COCKEREL CROWS
0:33:29 > 0:33:31SNORING
0:33:38 > 0:33:41SNORING CONTINUES
0:33:55 > 0:33:57GROANING
0:34:04 > 0:34:07You'd never believe there were so many things
0:34:07 > 0:34:11you could pick up in the dark that would feel like the cab driver's wooden leg.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Still we never found it.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18It was pitch dark out there, chief, we should do better now that it's daylight.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23No, it's gone, that has. It's gone, someone's had that.
0:34:23 > 0:34:29Some great peasant woman was warming her knees around a blazing wooden leg last night.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Don't mind that, I'll have another look.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- Chief, another surprise for you. - Eh?
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- Remember Harry's homing pigeons? - Yeah.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- They're not at home. - What?- Look up there.
0:34:45 > 0:34:51- They've followed us here. - They're very loyal, aren't they?
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- All I did was let them out. - Well, they're waiting to be let in again now.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59They've a damn long wait coming, that's all I can say.
0:34:59 > 0:35:04- Talking about long waits, have you seen anything of the cab driver this morning, or heard him?- No.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Cabbie? Cabbie?
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Cabbie?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Cabbie?!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Cabbie? Cabbie!
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Nowhere in sight, vanished.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28He can't of gone far, he hasn't got his leg.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Well, leg or no leg, he's disappeared.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- You know what he's done, don't you?- What?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39He's hopped it!
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- Good morning.- Good morning.
0:35:51 > 0:35:56- Feeling better are you? - It was a bit of a rough night, wasn't it?- Oh, yes.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00There is nothing to bring you round like a nice cup of coffee and a peep at the morning paper.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04- Exactly, what have you got there? - I've got the Berkshire Bugle here.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07That's damn good, I've got the Hertfordshire Herald.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09I love these local papers, don't you?
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- Yes, much more...much more interesting, aren't they?- Yes.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14Listen to this.
0:36:14 > 0:36:19"Lonely lady, 43, with little dog, seeks post."
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Yes, yes.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I've got one here. "The Southern Railway Company announced today
0:36:27 > 0:36:32- they are to name their great London terminus after Britain's most beloved Queen."- Really?
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Yes, it is to be called the Oscar Wilde Central.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Listen to this.
0:36:45 > 0:36:51"An Irishman was found wandering in East London, late last night
0:36:51 > 0:36:54"with his Wellingtons full of water.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58"This is the first recorded case of brainwashing!"
0:37:04 > 0:37:09There's a good one here. "Sir Thomas Inglenook, Governor of Australia,
0:37:09 > 0:37:11"died yesterday from eating kangaroo meat.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14"He was buried this morning at Westminster Abbey
0:37:14 > 0:37:16"and again at midday and this afternoon..."
0:37:18 > 0:37:20What a bounder!
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"From the North-west Frontier,
0:37:29 > 0:37:34"we hear General Woosley has successfully stopped an Indian rising.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"He hid his alarm clock."
0:37:39 > 0:37:44"At Lewes Assizes today, Mrs Sarah Dalrymple admitted murdering her husband,
0:37:44 > 0:37:48"but she asked for mercy on the grounds that she was a widow."
0:37:53 > 0:37:57"In Beaconsfield, a woman who got carried away last April
0:37:57 > 0:38:01"during a game of Postman's Knock has just had a special delivery."
0:38:06 > 0:38:10Talking of Postman's Knock, weren't you going to find that book on party games in the library?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Oh yes, for tonight, I was.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- I wonder if it's got Postman's 20 Questions in it.- What's that one?
0:38:16 > 0:38:21The gentleman takes a lady of his choice to a secluded part of the house and asks her 20 questions.
0:38:21 > 0:38:26- Oh, yes?- If the answer to the first one is yes, he doesn't have to bother with the other 19.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30It sounds fun.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34We might play the whisky game later on, do you know that one?
0:38:34 > 0:38:38The whisky game? Everybody sits around and drinks a bottle of whisky each,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41and then someone goes out of the room and you have to try and guess who it is.
0:38:45 > 0:38:51Then you all drink another bottle of whisky each and you have to try and guess who you are.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54You will excuse me, won't you? You carry on having your breakfast,
0:38:54 > 0:38:57I'm going to go down and see the chef. Heaven knows what we're going
0:38:57 > 0:39:00to give the guests for Christmas dinner.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04When you've finished, why not join Ronnie in the library? I shan't be long.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Now, for a little peace and quiet.
0:39:17 > 0:39:22Or as they say, I've got a little piece and I hope she keeps quiet!
0:39:22 > 0:39:25I bet in 50 years' time, they'll think that's hysterical.
0:39:25 > 0:39:30People these days are just not ready for sophisticated humour.
0:39:30 > 0:39:35Now, I've just had the servants in for their Christmas presents.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38And this year, I've given them all the latest little novelty
0:39:38 > 0:39:42to while away a few moments at the end of the day's work.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44It's called a timesheet.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Anyway, I thought I'd take this opportunity
0:39:50 > 0:39:55of wishing you a personal, very happy Christmas.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59I have to be a bit careful, you know.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03If I have three glasses of wine, the third one goes straight to my head.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Let's face it, there's nowhere else for it to go.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10Thank you.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18This wine was actually made by my grandfather
0:40:18 > 0:40:23from an old Russian recipe, given to him by an old Russian
0:40:23 > 0:40:26who'd copied it out of the Ladies' Weekly Journal.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30My grandfather was quite a character when he was alive.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34After he died, he got a bit run-of-the-mill.
0:40:34 > 0:40:40During his lifetime, he fought with General Wolfe, Kitchener,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Clive of India, Wellington...
0:40:43 > 0:40:46He just couldn't seem to get along with anybody.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Eventually...
0:40:49 > 0:40:55Eventually, he met an untimely end when he became the first man ever
0:40:55 > 0:40:58to slide down Mount Everest on a tin tray.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04And we buried him where he came to rest,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06just outside Watford.
0:41:08 > 0:41:13Now we come to the exciting bit, and not a moment too soon.
0:41:13 > 0:41:20One night, about a week after the old gentleman shuffled off this mortal coil and snuffed it,
0:41:20 > 0:41:26I was sitting here getting a cheap thrill out of some of the more erotic chapters of Little Women...
0:41:29 > 0:41:32God, we're a simple lot!
0:41:32 > 0:41:36When I heard this burst of high pitched, unnatural laughter.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40It gave me a turn. Suddenly, over in the far corner,
0:41:40 > 0:41:47between the volume, I Was Queen Victoria's Batman, and a book on Formula Two sedan-chair racing...
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I saw...
0:41:52 > 0:41:55I saw an operation... Sorry. I saw...
0:41:56 > 0:41:58I saw an apparition.
0:42:04 > 0:42:10It was the ghost of my grandfather. The new see-through model.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14He said, "Ron, I'm now your fairy grandfather."
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Quite.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23I suppose he meant it in the nicest possible way.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26You never can tell, can you?
0:42:26 > 0:42:33He said, "I'm now your fairy grandfather, I've come to grant you one wishes."
0:42:35 > 0:42:37I said, "I thought it was always three wishes."
0:42:37 > 0:42:40He said, "Don't push me, I'm a beginner."
0:42:40 > 0:42:41He said, "Something simple."
0:42:41 > 0:42:45I said, "What about a very funny joke I can tell at the Christmas party?"
0:42:45 > 0:42:47He said, "Listen to this.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51"Imagine if you will," he said, leaning back like that, "Imagine if you will..."
0:42:51 > 0:42:55I don't know why he did it, because it doesn't make any difference.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59But he felt like leaning back. "Imagine if you will," he said, "a Roman galley
0:42:59 > 0:43:05"and the rows of Christian slaves down below are all rowing away,
0:43:05 > 0:43:08"saying, "Woe is me!" and, "Dear, oh dear!"
0:43:08 > 0:43:10"And "Oy vay!""
0:43:12 > 0:43:15A stowaway! Anyway...
0:43:17 > 0:43:19"Oy vay!" - a stowaway.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23Anyway, the big... It wasn't an inaccuracy, anyway.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Or an apparition, it was a stowaway.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30The big Roman centurion is marching up and down the aisle, lashing them
0:43:30 > 0:43:35and shouting, "No singing!" and, "You broke your mother's heart, but you won't break mine."
0:43:35 > 0:43:38"You play ball with me and I'll play ball with you."
0:43:38 > 0:43:41I was in the army with this fellow.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44He's called away for a few minutes, the big centurion,
0:43:44 > 0:43:46and the Irish escape committee are just getting on
0:43:46 > 0:43:50with their plan to tunnel through the bottom of the boat.
0:44:01 > 0:44:06When he comes back and says, "Slaves..." and he leaned back a bit as well, actually.
0:44:06 > 0:44:11He said, "Slaves, stop rowing, undo your shackles and come up on deck
0:44:11 > 0:44:13"and have a couple of hours' kip in the sunshine."
0:44:13 > 0:44:17So they're all lying about on the decks, sunbathing themselves.
0:44:17 > 0:44:22One of the slaves goes up to him and says, "Sir, on behalf of the lads and myself,
0:44:22 > 0:44:26"I'd like to say how much we appreciate this break
0:44:26 > 0:44:30"from our unremitting, back-breaking toil.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32"This is doing us a power of good."
0:44:32 > 0:44:36So the big centurion says, "I hope so, because as soon as you get back to work,
0:44:36 > 0:44:39"the skipper wants to start water-skiing."
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Yes, that's the house all right.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58I hope this plan of yours works.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00Oh, it's bound to, chief.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03All you've got to do is dump me inside the scullery door
0:45:03 > 0:45:07and I'll be able to listen to what all the kitchen staff are talking about.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10The culprit had a knowledge of cooking, that's why he had the sense
0:45:10 > 0:45:13to steal the turkey before it was stuffed.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Thus making it lighter to carry.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Exactly. It can always be stuffed later.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21You reckon it's an inside job, do you?
0:45:21 > 0:45:23Stuffing the turkey? Oh, yes.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28The crime.
0:45:28 > 0:45:34Oh, the crime! As soon as you dump me on the scullery floor, I shall be able to get my ear to the ground.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Right.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39One other thing - why am I wearing a false beard now?
0:45:40 > 0:45:43Well, one of us wants to wear a disguise, it's too risky.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46But you've been wearing it up to now, haven't you?
0:45:46 > 0:45:48It's a waste, me wearing it, I'm inside a sack!
0:45:49 > 0:45:52Oh, no.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54Right, which way do we go, then?
0:45:54 > 0:45:56That way.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Did you cut that hole in the sack?
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Yes, I cut two holes in the feet an' all.
0:46:00 > 0:46:06Pity, I was hoping to shut these blasted pigeons in it when we finish. Go on home!
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Look at that fellow, is it anyone we know?
0:46:16 > 0:46:19No, I've never seen him before in my life.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22He's a nasty looking customer, what?
0:46:25 > 0:46:27- I say, you know who it is?- Who?
0:46:27 > 0:46:31Look at the sack. Your turkey thief, caught red-handed.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33Moving the loot.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35The damn swine!
0:46:35 > 0:46:37I'll soon get him.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45I only hope to God this damn thing is loaded.
0:46:49 > 0:46:50GUNSHOT
0:47:01 > 0:47:02Chief! chief!
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Chief! Chief!
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Oh, what a novel idea!
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Much nicer than turkey.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00I say, it was a damn lucky shot, that, wasn't it?
0:48:00 > 0:48:03Nonsense, I could see you were aiming at them.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06You certainly saved the day there.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09Watch out for rusty nails. That blunderbuss was full of them!
0:48:09 > 0:48:11That looks nice, don't it?
0:48:11 > 0:48:13I wonder where they got these from?
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Do you mind if I just have an omelette?
0:48:19 > 0:48:21The gentlemen with the music are here.
0:48:21 > 0:48:22Ask them to come in.
0:48:22 > 0:48:26- Gentlemen with what music, old chap? - Those two friends of Uncle Richard's
0:48:26 > 0:48:29have written us some songs and I said we'd try them out on the guests.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Oh, yes, get them in.
0:48:38 > 0:48:43I'm sorry we're late. Arthur hadn't quite finished the music.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46Ladies and gentlemen, in order to round off the evening,
0:48:46 > 0:48:48my good friend and myself would like, if we may,
0:48:48 > 0:48:52to entertain you with a few little ditties, which we hope you'll find amusing,
0:48:52 > 0:48:58written by the two young gentlemen over there, who I'm sure have a great future ahead of them.
0:48:58 > 0:49:02Mr, er...and Mr, er...
0:49:04 > 0:49:08Ladies and gentlemen, the songs of Sullivan and Gilbert.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14# Hello, how do you do?
0:49:14 > 0:49:15# We are bringing you
0:49:15 > 0:49:17# Songs by Sullivan and Gilbert
0:49:17 > 0:49:19# Hope they're going to fill the bill, but
0:49:19 > 0:49:20# Let us not waste time
0:49:20 > 0:49:22# Let us start the rhyme
0:49:22 > 0:49:27# We won't sing anything that is glum
0:49:27 > 0:49:29# For this is the season that gives us a reason
0:49:29 > 0:49:31# For drinking and filling our tum
0:49:31 > 0:49:34# I must say, it's all right for some
0:49:34 > 0:49:36# I eat what I like and don't put on a pound
0:49:36 > 0:49:39# I like what I eat, that is why I'm so round
0:49:39 > 0:49:41# Just keep off the starches
0:49:41 > 0:49:43# I've got fallen arches
0:49:43 > 0:49:44# With carrying this lot around
0:49:50 > 0:49:52# The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la
0:49:52 > 0:49:54# Are blooming all over the place
0:49:54 > 0:49:56# The girls in the chorus that sing, tra-la
0:49:56 > 0:49:58# Each one is a beautiful thing, tra-la
0:49:58 > 0:50:00# A flower, a feminine grace
0:50:00 > 0:50:02# A flower, a feminine grace
0:50:02 > 0:50:05# There's Lily and Iris and Daisy and Rose
0:50:05 > 0:50:10# There's also sweet William, but he's one of those
0:50:10 > 0:50:14# But our favourite flower, she blooms by the hour
0:50:14 > 0:50:17# At 26 Bloomsbury Place. #
0:50:19 > 0:50:22# Take a pair of bloodshot eyes
0:50:22 > 0:50:24# And a nose that's round and red
0:50:24 > 0:50:26# And a set of loose false teeth
0:50:27 > 0:50:29# Picture two gigantic thighs
0:50:29 > 0:50:32# And a pair of knobbly knees
0:50:32 > 0:50:33# With enormous boots beneath
0:50:35 > 0:50:37# Some men have pretty women
0:50:37 > 0:50:39# To go riding with, or swimming
0:50:39 > 0:50:41# Or parading round the park
0:50:41 > 0:50:43# Not for me, those smiles or dimples
0:50:43 > 0:50:46# It's just bandy legs and pimples
0:50:46 > 0:50:48# So, if I fancy a saunter
0:50:48 > 0:50:49# I go after dark
0:50:49 > 0:50:52# Take a pair of rubber lips
0:50:52 > 0:50:54# And a pair of lumpy hips
0:50:54 > 0:50:58# And a voice just like a knife, like a knife
0:50:58 > 0:51:00# A complexion green as grass
0:51:00 > 0:51:02# It's a farce, yet alas
0:51:02 > 0:51:04# That's what I see every day
0:51:05 > 0:51:10# In my looking-glass. #
0:51:10 > 0:51:12APPLAUSE
0:51:14 > 0:51:16# Three little maids one night I met
0:51:16 > 0:51:18# Each one a perfect little pet
0:51:18 > 0:51:20# I popped in the pub for something wet
0:51:20 > 0:51:22# Three little maids came too
0:51:22 > 0:51:25# Three lemonades I ordered first
0:51:25 > 0:51:27# That didn't satisfy their thirst
0:51:27 > 0:51:29# Then I realised the worst
0:51:29 > 0:51:31# Three lemonades won't do
0:51:31 > 0:51:33# They said, "Let us try champagne"
0:51:33 > 0:51:36# Then they tried it once again
0:51:36 > 0:51:38# "Now we'll try the beer," they said
0:51:38 > 0:51:42# "Then we must be off to bed"
0:51:42 > 0:51:44# Well, 14 pints and six gins later
0:51:44 > 0:51:47# Went upstairs for a baked potater
0:51:47 > 0:51:49# I woke up with the hotel waiter
0:51:52 > 0:51:55# The three little chicks had strayed
0:51:55 > 0:51:58# Three little maids unmade. #
0:51:58 > 0:52:00APPLAUSE
0:52:06 > 0:52:08# Dear little buttercup
0:52:08 > 0:52:10# Sweet little buttercup
0:52:10 > 0:52:14# Nonsense, of course you're not fat
0:52:14 > 0:52:16# But, dear little buttercup
0:52:16 > 0:52:18# Lift your left buttock up
0:52:18 > 0:52:20# You're sitting on my hat. #
0:52:29 > 0:52:32# A shy samurai went to London to buy
0:52:32 > 0:52:36# Two blankets, two sheets and a pillow
0:52:36 > 0:52:40# And he married a maiden who first caught his eye
0:52:40 > 0:52:43# At that firm run by Waring and Gillow
0:52:43 > 0:52:46# There was never a subject they quarrelled about
0:52:46 > 0:52:49# Of their love for each other, there wasn't a doubt
0:52:49 > 0:52:53# Till she wore a low neckline, twas then they fell out
0:52:53 > 0:52:58# They will-oh, they will-oh, they will-oh. #
0:53:04 > 0:53:08# There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky
0:53:08 > 0:53:09# Feeling peaky
0:53:09 > 0:53:12# In the gutter where the pavement curb he grips
0:53:12 > 0:53:13# Kirby grips
0:53:13 > 0:53:17# And he cries, "My boat, the Pinafore is leaky"
0:53:17 > 0:53:18# For is leaky
0:53:18 > 0:53:21# What the Navy needs is more efficient ships
0:53:21 > 0:53:23# Fish and chips
0:53:26 > 0:53:29# When Lord Nelson lay a-dying at Trafalgar
0:53:29 > 0:53:30# At Trafalgar
0:53:30 > 0:53:33# What did the gallant Captain Hardy do?
0:53:33 > 0:53:35# Howdy do
0:53:39 > 0:53:42# He kissed his leader sadly on the poop deck
0:53:46 > 0:53:47# On the poop deck
0:53:47 > 0:53:51# There has never been a fond caress so blue
0:53:51 > 0:53:52# Esso Blue. #
0:53:52 > 0:53:54APPLAUSE
0:54:04 > 0:54:07# Now it's Christmas once again
0:54:07 > 0:54:11# Peace on earth, goodwill to men
0:54:11 > 0:54:14# And of course, to ladies too
0:54:14 > 0:54:17# They're the ones that see us through
0:54:18 > 0:54:20# When the relatives all come
0:54:20 > 0:54:23# Aunts and uncles, dads and mums
0:54:23 > 0:54:25# And the air begins to hum
0:54:25 > 0:54:30# And it's very merry Christmas and the same to you
0:54:30 > 0:54:32# What a very pretty bonnet and it looks brand new
0:54:32 > 0:54:34# Are you comfortable, Daddy? Will you take a glass of sherry?
0:54:34 > 0:54:36# It's so nice to see you merry, sit down, please do. #
0:54:43 > 0:54:44# You awake at five o'clock
0:54:44 > 0:54:47# With a belt around the head
0:54:47 > 0:54:48# From an orange in a sock
0:54:48 > 0:54:51# And you wish that you were dead
0:54:51 > 0:54:52# Then the children all appear
0:54:52 > 0:54:54# What an awful night you've had
0:54:54 > 0:54:56# Blow a trumpet in your ear
0:54:56 > 0:54:58# Till they nearly drive you mad
0:54:58 > 0:55:00# But no matter what you say
0:55:00 > 0:55:02# You'll remember Christmas Day
0:55:02 > 0:55:05# In a sentimental way
0:55:05 > 0:55:09# Oh, they really did it nicely as it should be done
0:55:09 > 0:55:12# There was such a lot of presents and we all got one
0:55:12 > 0:55:14# Such seasonable weather, it was nice to be together
0:55:14 > 0:55:16# Such a very merry Christmas, oh, we did have fun
0:55:16 > 0:55:20# Such a very merry Christmas and we did have fun. #
0:55:23 > 0:55:25APPLAUSE
0:55:25 > 0:55:29# And now, pray, let us sing
0:55:29 > 0:55:32# Of that patriotic thing
0:55:32 > 0:55:36# That we call an Englishman
0:55:36 > 0:55:40# A true blue Englishman
0:55:40 > 0:55:44# Though beset by income taxes
0:55:44 > 0:55:47# They clutch their Union Jacksies
0:55:47 > 0:55:51# And they wave them where they can
0:55:51 > 0:55:55# From the Khyber to the Congo
0:55:55 > 0:55:59# You will find a Pete or Pongo
0:55:59 > 0:56:02# That intrepid Englishman
0:56:02 > 0:56:10# That ill-fated, celebrated, underrated, dear old Englishman. #
0:56:16 > 0:56:18APPLAUSE
0:56:31 > 0:56:33And it's a Happy New Year from me.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35And it's a Happy New Year from him.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37- Happy New Year!- Happy New Year!
0:57:38 > 0:57:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:41 > 0:57:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk