0:00:24 > 0:00:28Good evening. It's a delight to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Indeed, it is. And in a packed programme tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32we shall be bringing you a special survey
0:00:32 > 0:00:35from reporter Craig Molesworth, in which he takes the lid off motorway cooking
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and hurriedly puts it back on again.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42And we'll be talking to Britain's oldest working milkman,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45who has just become a father at 71...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And at 23 and at last two.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50But first, the news.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53President Reagan gave a speech before congress tonight.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Mrs Reagan says she wishes he'd just get on with it.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Later, the President announced that he is going off to his ranch
0:01:04 > 0:01:06for the weekend, to unwind.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10When he returns to Washington next week, they'll wind him up again.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Britain's most hen-pecked husband, Sidney Grovel of Bromsgrove
0:01:13 > 0:01:16has left certain parts of his body for use after his death.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20In a last desperate bid to be unfaithful to his wife and get away with it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26There was confusion at the gay Apollo club in Soho tonight
0:01:26 > 0:01:29when a plain-clothes policeman arrested a fancy-clothes policeman.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35At a special retirement party tonight,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Prestwick man Doddington Chapps revealed he had once worked for a fortnight in the civil service.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Which wasn't bad for someone who was in it for 40 years.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Finally, after last week's disappointment at London Zoo,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52when Tintin the giant panda turned out to not pregnant,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54comes good news.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Incy Wincy Spider is up the spout again.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01But now a sketch based on Shakespeare's immortal,
0:02:01 > 0:02:02The Taming of the Shrew.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05In which Mr Ronnie Corbett appears as the back legs.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Can I be of assistance, sir?- Yes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19- I'd like TYLES. - Tiles, sir?- Yes, bathroom TYLES. - For fixing yourself?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Fixing myself? No, they're for drying myself. TYLES, dear boy.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31You step out of the bath and give yourself a brisk tyling down.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35TOWELS! Yes, sir. I'll bring a selection.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Thank you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- Hello, Charles.- Hello, Aubrey. Doing a bit of shopping, what?
0:02:42 > 0:02:48Ra-ther. Absolutely excellent place. Everything for the house.
0:02:48 > 0:02:54Oh yes, abso-tively. I always come here for the old SPICE.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59Old Spice, old boy? Surely, that's in the toiletries department?
0:02:59 > 0:03:04No, no, no, the old SPOUSE. The little woman. The spouse.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- I come here... I'm here for the soup.- Soup?- Yes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13- What kind of soup?- BRINE. - Brine's a little too salty for me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17No, no, BROWN. Brown Windsor soup, old boy.
0:03:17 > 0:03:24The wife absolutely adores it. She was born near there. She's a SLY person.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29- Angela? I wouldn't say that. A little devious, perhaps...- No.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Born in SLOUGH. Maidenhead, Slough, Windsor.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Oh, I see!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Excellent food department. - Yes.- Fish, game.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- JEESES!- What's the matter?
0:03:43 > 0:03:49No, no, I was just saying cheeses are very good here, all RIND.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Oh, we NEVER eat the rind!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No, no, I mean all ROUND, generally.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yes, indeed, all round. Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- Have you heard about Rupert?- Rupert Kimberley-Dimbleby from Wimbledon?
0:04:03 > 0:04:10- Yes, Kimbers-Dimbers, Wimbers. - Haven't heard about him in years. When I saw him he was TIGHT.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- What, drunk, you mean?- No, no, he was a TOUT for a bookmaker.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20He was going round with a girl called Poopsie Benedict.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Really? No, he's left her, now. Consistently LIED.
0:04:25 > 0:04:31- Deceitful, was she?- No, consistently LIED. LOUD. Noisy!
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- Oh, noisy! Yes.- Yes. He's with Dulcimer Pageant now.
0:04:36 > 0:04:43- Mind you, he got into trouble. They were FINED in the park. - Fined? For doing what?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46No, no, FINED. Discovered. FOUND.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51Fined by the park-keeper. And she was beside him on the GRIND!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Oooh, was she?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Scandalous! I never knew really what he saw in her.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05He always maintained that she had a wonderful MIND.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Well, she had two wonderful minds.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12They stuck out a mile.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15No, dear boy, brain. She's got it up here.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Oh, as far up as that, eh?
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Awfully nice to see you, and have this absurd conversation with you.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Why don't we go and have a drinky-poos?
0:05:26 > 0:05:33- What about your towels? - I won't wait. What about A BITE to eat?- I'm ABOUT to eat myself!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Quite a big bite too!
0:05:36 > 0:05:42We must hurry, because I saw a chap with a placard saying, "The end of the world is NIGH".
0:05:42 > 0:05:46What, right NOW? This very minute?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Do you think marriage is a lottery?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Eh?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04You know, I mean, do you think marriage is a lottery?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05No.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08In the lottery, you do have a slight chance.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11You like women, don't you?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I mean, just give me me pipe, the great outdoors
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and a beautiful girl
0:06:19 > 0:06:24and you can keep the pipe and the great outdoors.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Still, that's got nothing to do with marriage, has it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I mean, that's just the opposite sex.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29The what?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You know what the opposite sex is, don't you?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Yeah. It's the tart who lives across the road.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Talking of which, my sister-in-law
0:06:39 > 0:06:41has just had quads.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Ooh. That's pretty rare, ain't it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Rare? It certainly is rare.
0:06:46 > 0:06:52Doctors say it only happens once in 1,600,000 times.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Blimey!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57It's a wonder she ever found time to do the housework.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08From the hugely-successful film, The Thomas Crown Affair
0:07:08 > 0:07:15comes the haunting theme Windmills Of Your Mind, written by Michel Le Grand.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's sung now by the lovely Elaine Page.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:43# Round, like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel
0:07:43 > 0:07:48# Never-ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel
0:07:48 > 0:07:53# Like a snowball down a mountain Or a carnival balloon
0:07:53 > 0:07:57# Like a carousel turning Runs rings around the moon
0:07:57 > 0:08:02# Like a clock's hands sweeping Past the minutes of its face
0:08:02 > 0:08:06# The world is like an apple Whirling silently in space
0:08:06 > 0:08:09# Like the circles that you find
0:08:09 > 0:08:14# In the windmills of your mind
0:08:14 > 0:08:19# Like a tunnel that you follow To a tunnel of its own
0:08:19 > 0:08:23# Down a hollow to a cavern Where the sun has never shone
0:08:23 > 0:08:28# Like a door that keeps revolving In a half-forgotten dream
0:08:28 > 0:08:33# Or the ripples from a pebble Someone tosses in a stream
0:08:33 > 0:08:38# Like a clock's hands sweeping Past the minutes of its face
0:08:38 > 0:08:42# And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# Like the circles that you find
0:08:45 > 0:08:50# In the windmills of your mind
0:08:50 > 0:08:55# Keys that jingle in your pocket Words that jangle in your head
0:08:55 > 0:08:59# Why did summer go SO quickly? Was it something you said?
0:08:59 > 0:09:04# Lovers walk along the shore Leave their footprints in the sand
0:09:04 > 0:09:09# Is the sound of distant drumming Just the fingers on your hand?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13# Pictures hanging in a hallway And the fragment of a song
0:09:13 > 0:09:18# Half-remembered names and faces To whom do they belong?
0:09:18 > 0:09:23# When you knew that it was over In the autumn of goodbye
0:09:23 > 0:09:28# For a moment you could not recall the colour of his eyes
0:09:34 > 0:09:39# Round, like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel
0:09:39 > 0:09:44# Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel
0:09:44 > 0:09:48# As the images unwind
0:09:48 > 0:09:51# Like the circles that you find
0:09:51 > 0:09:59# In the windmills of your mind. #
0:10:07 > 0:10:10APPLAUSE
0:10:22 > 0:10:25O-o-oh!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- What's up with thee? - Ah'm stuck.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Thar's not sat on tar shovel again, has thee?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38No, ah'm stuck with crossword.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41It says here "Sea creature".
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Five letters and three letters.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50"Sea creature"? Five letters and three letters?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"Sea..." Oh, that'll be ship's cat!
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Ship's cat! Oh, like as not and happen you're reet.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Does tha believe in reincarnation?
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Well, it's all right on fruit salad but I don't like it in my tea.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I mean returning to life after you've been on t'other side.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Coming back from a holiday in Morecambe?
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Nay, there's a lad in our street wants to come back as a giraffe.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Oh. Why? Is he a peeping Tom?
0:11:27 > 0:11:34He reckons as a giraffe you can watch Test Match wi'out paying to get in.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37They let giraffes in free, do they?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43I reckon that if there's owt in this reincarnation lark,
0:11:43 > 0:11:50- I'd like to come back as a respected pillar in society. - Like Nelson's Column?
0:11:50 > 0:11:55No, I mean like a High Court Judge in th'Old Bailey.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01Oh. I'd like to be a piano player in a naughty London bordello.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Well, I'll see thee in there, then.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12D'you reckon it's still raining out yonder?
0:12:12 > 0:12:18- How am I supposed to know that? - Stick thee arm out the tent.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22PING!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's chucking it down.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29If that keeps up like it's keeping up,
0:12:29 > 0:12:34we shan't get that tar-making down this side of next week.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Happen it's nothing like as maybe thee's reet.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Shall us have our snap now?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Happen it's nothing like as maybe these reet again. Right-o.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49What you got in thar, then? What is it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I think today in mine I've got... boiled tongue in mine.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Boiled tongue? Thy missis does thee reet proud.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Boiled tongue of a Wednesday? Tha must be rolling.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Nay, boiled tongue is a message. - A message?
0:13:06 > 0:13:12It means the wife wants to give me a stiff talking-to when I get home.
0:13:12 > 0:13:20When it's egg in my sandwich it means she wants me to clean out the hen hutch when I get home.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25If it's lettuce it means she wants me to post letters.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, I see!
0:13:27 > 0:13:35- What's thee got in thine, then? - I'm none sure, but I'm certainly none going home the night!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# I knew a girl called Jeanie Jones
0:13:53 > 0:13:55# She was nothing but skin and bones
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# I knew a girl called Jeanie Scott
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# She had bumps where Jane had not
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# I knew a girl called Susie Strong
0:14:10 > 0:14:12# Her feet were large and her legs were long
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# Feet so large that it is said
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# She had to take her pants off over her head
0:14:22 > 0:14:23# I'm talking about girls
0:14:23 > 0:14:25# Girls I met
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# Ice is cold and water's wet
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# Up is up and feathers is down
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# And that's what makes the world go round
0:14:36 > 0:14:38# I knew a girl called Droopy Drawers
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Her ears stuck out like taxi doors
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# Tall as a pole and thin as a candle
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# Hard to please but easy to handle
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# I took her out in the wind and rain
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# She blew around like a weather vane
0:15:01 > 0:15:04# By the fire warm and snug
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# Melted her upon the rug
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# I'm talking about girls
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Girls I've known oats I've scattered
0:15:13 > 0:15:14# Seeds I've sown
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# Up is up and down is out
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# You all know what I'm talking about
0:15:23 > 0:15:25# I knew a girl called Jennifer Gopher
0:15:25 > 0:15:29# She had hips like a well-stuffed sofa
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# As she sat on you she'd squash you flat
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# Boy, I sure kept out of that
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# She was buxom, big and round
0:15:44 > 0:15:47# Gave good value pound for pound
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Like a mountaineer upon a climb
0:15:53 > 0:15:55# I conquered her a bit at a time
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# I'm talking about girls
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# Girls I've seen, places I've known and places I've been
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Tales I've told and songs I've sang
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# That's what makes the world go bang
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# Well, I knew a girl called Big Town Bella
0:16:14 > 0:16:17# Till I found out she was a fella
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# We parted friends and everything
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# But he never sent back that engagement ring
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# I knew a girl called Topsy Turvy
0:16:31 > 0:16:34# She was cute and she was curvy
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# She was sweet and she was sunny
0:16:40 > 0:16:43# Now I'm paying out alimony
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# I'm talking about girls
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Girls I've known, birds I've nested and I've flown
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# Black or white or pink or brown
0:16:50 > 0:16:55# That's what makes the world go round. #
0:16:56 > 0:16:58That's right.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:14You are, are you not, Broderick William Gerbil,
0:17:14 > 0:17:1714 Rangoon Terrace, Biggleswade?
0:17:17 > 0:17:23- I am.- A forensic scientist specialising in studying rare blood stains?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Are you a road sweeper?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- No.- Trick cyclist, Smart's circus?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35No.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Em...could I use this product that you make?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Not personally you wouldn't, no.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55Has what you've got to do something to do with...animals?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Yes, yes, it has, yes. - APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Something to do with injured animals?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Yes, yes. - CLAPPING
0:18:07 > 0:18:12- Do you make artificial beaks for disabled budgerigars?- Very good!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Well done.- Thank you, m'lud.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21You are charged with first degree murder. How do you plead?
0:18:21 > 0:18:29- Not guilty.- I'm going to give you 30 seconds to prove you're not guilty, starting from NOW.
0:18:29 > 0:18:35What dramatic incident took place at the home of Sir Hugo Milverton?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37He was found on his study floor.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41He'd been poisoned, strangled and stabbed.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Correct. And the police concluded?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46He was dead.
0:18:46 > 0:18:53Correct. The details of Sir Hugo's death were never made public. How could YOU know about them?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Pass.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00How do you explain that a fortnight earlier you had purchased
0:19:00 > 0:19:07a 9" dagger, 2 yards of piano wire, a 12-bore shotgun, 6 bottles of strychnine from a catalogue?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- BEEP BEEP - You may answer, you may answer.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I was trying to control some greenfly.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Arongo greenfly.
0:19:17 > 0:19:24- With a 12-bore shotgun? - The greenfly that infest my plants migrate yearly from Polynesia
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and can grow up to 36" in length.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31No, no, no, surely an Arongo is a kind of Tibetan Yak,
0:19:31 > 0:19:37whose horns are ground to powder by the locals and made into a bedtime drink?
0:19:37 > 0:19:43Possible, but I'm going to plump for Mr Gerbil's giant greenfly.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Fooled you that time, Counsel!
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- Did a PC search you?- He had a rifle through my pockets.
0:19:56 > 0:20:02- What did he find?- A rifle.- Was not that rifle loaded with blanks?
0:20:02 > 0:20:07- Em...- Was not that rifle loaded with Blankety Blanks?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Em...- What do you say?- Bullets?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I would say that! What did you put?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15DING!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Well done.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Where were you at the time of the murder?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- I was in bed, m'lud, reading. - Reading what?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Oh, a book!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34An old book. Two-word title.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Trousers? Short trousers?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Shorts? Trunks? Underpants? Y-fronts?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Ladies Y...?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Knickers? Knickers!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Off? Oh, no knickers on? Oh, dear.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Knicker-LESS! Nicholas!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Second word sounds like...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Vicars? What, parson?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Parson? Parson!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Nicholas Parsons!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Bzzzz-zipp!
0:21:13 > 0:21:19- You can't get Nicholas on a Parson's nose. - Never heard of that book.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Bzzz...- Yes, bee!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Knicker-bee.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Nicholas Nickleby!
0:21:30 > 0:21:34I've heard enough evidence. Time for a verdict.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I'm going to play my joker.
0:21:37 > 0:21:44As you wish, Counsel. I hereby call upon the Foreman of the Jury, Mrs Doris Gnatwick.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Come on down!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50TUMULTUOUS CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Mrs Gnatwick, do you find Mr Gerbil Guilty or Not?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Guilty as charged, m'lud.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I sentence the accused to 20 years in prison...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Ah, you played your joker, Counsel.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19So we'll double it up to 40.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:24That's all we have time for now.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Do join us next week, and who knows?
0:22:27 > 0:22:32YOU could stand trial for murder, blackmail and extortion! Until then,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36it is goodbye to... Doris Gnatwick!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Broderick Gerbil!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43And our token Counsel Adrian Winweasel!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Goodbye to you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I'll have to lose some weight.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I can't go knocking on people's doors saying I haven't eaten for three days
0:23:11 > 0:23:14looking like this, can I?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's middle age spread that.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I know. I know.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20There's a lot to be said for middle age spread.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Yes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Good for married couples. Brings them closer together.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28A lot of advantages come with age.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Yeah. My old grandad, for instance.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Now he can whistle while he brushes his teeth.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Exactly!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Course there is disadvantages, too.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42When I went to the doctor, for example, about my memory.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"It's really going," I told him.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46"I can't remember anything."
0:23:46 > 0:23:47What did he say?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49He was very, very reassuring.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Told me to just go and forget about it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to announce
0:24:05 > 0:24:12that my new LP, Ronnie Corbett Live At The St John's Women's Institute A-Go-Go,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Croydon's premier nightspot,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18my record has just gone tupperware.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20We haven't had all the figures,
0:24:20 > 0:24:27but early estimates from record shops suggest that my new album may have sold six copies,
0:24:27 > 0:24:35completely shattering my previous record, which is something else people have been doing.
0:24:35 > 0:24:42It's a remarkable success story when you consider this new LP won't be released till tomorrow.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47The man who produced it will be released next week.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- No expense has been par... - LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:58No expense spared, they have commissioned Patrick Lichfield to take a photo for the cover of me.
0:24:58 > 0:25:05Special photo of me for the cover. I had reservations, because he does tend to flatter his subjects.
0:25:05 > 0:25:12Make people more glamorous than they are. I didn't want that. "Show me as I am," I said, and so...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Look at that. Isn't that wonderful?
0:25:18 > 0:25:24- LAUGHTER - No, be honest. He's definitely caught me there, don't you think?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29No, this... This record is special for me because it contains
0:25:29 > 0:25:34all the funniest jokes I have told in 30 years of show business.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- LAUGHTER - It's... It's pathetic, isn't it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:46I've heard of compact discs but that's ridiculous.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50You can use it for parking meters in Yugoslavia.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55I'll give a free copy of this LP to everyone who laughs at my story.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Everyone who doesn't laugh will get two free copies.
0:26:00 > 0:26:07This story was told in the pub by our local Catholic priest, who was giving last rites to the bitter.
0:26:07 > 0:26:14I went along this evening, and the landlady was about to give me my usual,
0:26:14 > 0:26:19then her husband walked in, and that put paid to that!
0:26:19 > 0:26:26No. It was an eventful evening, actually. At one point, there was a panic and the pub was evacuated,
0:26:26 > 0:26:33after a tip-off that someone had planted a Max Bygraves single in the juke box!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I don't mean it, Max.
0:26:36 > 0:26:43The local MP had a bit of skinful and lost his seat in the gent's, traditionally a Labour stronghold.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'm laughing because I know the end.
0:26:49 > 0:26:56He IS an improvement on the old priest who left under embarrassing circumstances.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01He was not only de-frocked but also had his handbag confiscated
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Now, this new priest has a much more commercial approach.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11He introduced the gimmick, Senior Citizens' Supersaver.
0:27:11 > 0:27:18If you're over 65 you can sin anywhere in Britain at weekends for only five Hail Marys.
0:27:18 > 0:27:25While we were chatting, he told me this funny story about a young lady who goes to America for a break.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- Cu-co-coi-coinc... - LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:36- Rather a coincidence, actually, because earlier this year- I- went for a break to Kenya, on safari.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41It was actually one of those cheap, fast sightseeing tours.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46They strapped me to the back of an ostrich and fired a gun!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Next... - LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:58Next year, I'm going to take my car because I've just bought one of those Anglo-Jewish cars.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Aushtin-Smoshtin.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Hand-built by rabbis.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It's got all the latest gadgets.
0:28:05 > 0:28:12Forget to fasten your seatbelt and a voice says, "Kill yourself, I should worry!"
0:28:12 > 0:28:15But...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17back to the young lady now.
0:28:17 > 0:28:24This young lady is about to go to America, and she decides she will stowaway on a boat.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29She secretes herself inside a crate of herrings,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34and it's loaded onto the ship, and two hours later she's off.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37So would you be in a crate of herrings!
0:28:37 > 0:28:44So, a fortnight later, the girl is discovered and marched into the Captain,
0:28:44 > 0:28:51who says, "Do you mean to tell me you have been stowed away for two weeks? Where have you been?"
0:28:51 > 0:28:57She said, "On my first day on the boat, the Second Officer found me,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01- "and every day for the last..." - LAUGHTER
0:29:01 > 0:29:03It's a bit like Jackanory, this!
0:29:03 > 0:29:08"..every day for the last fortnight he has let me hide in his cabin.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13"He's given me hot meals, let me use his bath and shower,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"and let me sleep in his bed."
0:29:16 > 0:29:20"And was that all he did?" asked the Captain.
0:29:20 > 0:29:26The girl turned crimson and said, "He HAS been taking advantage of me."
0:29:26 > 0:29:32The Captain said, "I'll say! This is the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"
0:29:32 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:40 > 0:29:41EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE
0:29:44 > 0:29:46- Are you all right, Private? - Yes, Sir.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48- I thought we'd had it back there. - Yes, Sir.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Where do you think Jerry is now?
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- Jerry, Sir?- Yes, Jerry. Where do you think he is now?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57What, Jerry Babacock?
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- What?- Jerry Babacock?- No, the man we are fighting. The Hun.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- Where do you think he is now? - Oh, that Jerry.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04He's over that way, Sir.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05Is he? Yes, Sir.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08God, I wish I were back in Blighty.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09- Do you, Sir?- Yes.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14What about you, Private? Do you ever wish you were back in Blighty?
0:30:14 > 0:30:15What sort of nightie, Sir?
0:30:15 > 0:30:19- What?- What sort of nightie? Black frilly one with the lacy...
0:30:19 > 0:30:22BLIGHTY, old man. I said BLIGHTY. Not nightie, BLIGHTY.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Sorry, Sir. I must have misheard you.
0:30:24 > 0:30:25I thought you said you wanted to get back in a negligee
0:30:25 > 0:30:26when you got home.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Don't be ridiculous!
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Anyway, what if I do?- Nothing, Sir.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Have you got a wife, Private?
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Yes, here you are, Sir.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37No, not a KNIFE, a WIFE, Private?
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- Have you got a WIFE? Are you married? - Oh, yes, Sir.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Yes. I'm not.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- Probably because of the nightie, Sir.- Shut up!
0:30:48 > 0:30:50GUNSHOT
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Sounded like a Jerry rifle.
0:30:52 > 0:30:53- Bit strange in the trenches, Sir. - What?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56A sherry trifle in the trenches.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Not SHERRY TRIFLE! A JERRY RIFLE. What's the matter...
0:30:59 > 0:31:02SHELL EXPLODES
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Sounds as if they're warming up the big guns.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08What? In the oven you mean, Sir?
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Warming up the big buns...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Not big buns.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18- You're obsessed with food. Not BUNS, GUNS.- Sorry, Sir.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- Argh!- What's the matter, Sir?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22The arm. Ow! Bullet.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25No! Not PULL IT!
0:31:27 > 0:31:29BULLET, man, BULLET!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31- Don't pull my arm off! - I'm sorry, Sir.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33I'd better go back with this.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Pass me that clean cape, would you?
0:31:36 > 0:31:37Which cream cake would that be, Sir?
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Cream... Clean... Oh, never mind.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- I'm going back.- Are you off?
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Are you off, Sir? Back to Blighty, Sir?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47They probably wouldn't fit me now.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I'll say toodle-oo, Private.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Yes. Just down the end. Third hole on the left, Sir.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56GUNSHOT
0:32:19 > 0:32:25# I'll sing you a song of Snivelling and Grudge Two merry evil twisters
0:32:25 > 0:32:32# Through merry England they did trudge Acqui-ring mighty blisters!
0:32:32 > 0:32:39# With a witty-titty-wobble And a tooraloolay And a titty fah-la etcetera
0:32:39 > 0:32:46# They were charlatans they were mountebanks But they were n-ot successes
0:32:46 > 0:32:52# You'll never find in manhood's ranks Two more pathetic messes
0:32:52 > 0:32:59# With a titty-tiddle-piddle And a tooraloo And a titty fah-la etcetera. #
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Not there, Grudge, the donkey's done something there.
0:33:07 > 0:33:14- People have got to drink that stuff.- It's supposed to taste horrible. It's medicine.
0:33:14 > 0:33:21I think we'll call this The Ethiopian Elixir, as used by King Solomon himself.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Two spoonfuls between wives, eh?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27There's a tadpole in this one.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Proves it's fit to drink.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34- He's floating on his back. - Well, I blame the donkey for that!
0:33:34 > 0:33:39We'll have to get out of this business, Snivellin'.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43Ten gold pieces is all we need to save.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46We could hang up our boots and retire.
0:33:46 > 0:33:54- We could open a little Chemist shop. We could hang our boots above the door as a sign.- Lovely.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56What would we call it?
0:33:56 > 0:34:04Well, if we're going to hang up our boots and retire, and use the boots as a sign it's obvious.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07- What?- Timothy Whites.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Who's he?
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Well, he's the man who made the boots, ain't he?
0:34:14 > 0:34:20Ten gold pieces. How we ever going to manage to save that amount?
0:34:20 > 0:34:2220 years we've been on the road.
0:34:22 > 0:34:28What have we achieved apart from introducing athlete's foot to Europe,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31or in my case athlete's inch.
0:34:31 > 0:34:36But Snivellin', we're bringing people a dream here, ain't we?
0:34:36 > 0:34:41This is better health, better life. This is happiness we're bottling.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45- This is hope! - HORSE BURPS
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Thanks VERY much.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54MEDIEVAL MUSIC
0:34:54 > 0:35:01# So, into town on a market day They come to sell their dream But the passers-by keep passing by
0:35:03 > 0:35:08# 'Cos they're not as stupid as they seem. #
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Roll up! Roll up!
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Get your Ethiopian Elixir here.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Step right up.
0:35:24 > 0:35:31Don't get killed in the rush. Women and children first. Form a queue.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34One at a time, please.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- Don't mob me! - COW MOOS
0:35:37 > 0:35:42Well, it's obvious that you would like a demonstration.
0:35:42 > 0:35:49Very well. Now then, who is there here who, for instance, has got a bad nose?
0:35:51 > 0:35:56- Yes, you look as if you've... - It's no good, Grudge. It's no good.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59I mean, they don't want to know.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Come on, let's buzz off.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10What's all this, then?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Shove off!- What's all this stuff?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15He's a punter!
0:36:15 > 0:36:18What's in this bottle?
0:36:18 > 0:36:23That, sir, is the elixir that cures all. D'you know why?
0:36:23 > 0:36:27Because it's made of the tears of Queen Guinivere,
0:36:27 > 0:36:34Hercules' perspiration, Cleopatra's bath water. It is beyond price.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- How much?- A halfpenny a bottle.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I'm constipated.
0:36:39 > 0:36:44If you want to spend a penny you'll need two bottles.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Well done, Mr Snivellin'. Sold, sir.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Here, I think our luck's changed.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- GIGGLING - Hell-o!
0:36:55 > 0:37:00Good day, my lord, you look like the sort of young gentleman
0:37:00 > 0:37:04who could do with extra protein later in the day.
0:37:04 > 0:37:11Allow me to introduce you to Snivelling And Grudges' Extract Of Rhinoceros.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Puts lead back in your quill pen, as they say.
0:37:16 > 0:37:23- I can't write.- Don't worry. You won't have time. I have testimonials from 53 Sabine women.
0:37:23 > 0:37:29Eunuchs have taken this stuff and have been forced to resign!
0:37:29 > 0:37:34- It's gunpowder.- What do you mean? That is the dust of Venus herself.
0:37:34 > 0:37:39- What are you doing with it? - I'll show you.- What's he on about?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Stand back!
0:37:52 > 0:37:56Oh, by God, that Elixir's strong stuff.
0:38:05 > 0:38:12# Now, entering our unlikely tale Sir Guy de Michelin
0:38:12 > 0:38:18# A cru-el and wicked overlord Whose life is steeped in sin
0:38:19 > 0:38:24# But his only care Is his daughter fair
0:38:24 > 0:38:27# Who's gone down with the vapours
0:38:28 > 0:38:35# You must have heard about it 'cos it's been in all the papers
0:38:35 > 0:38:37# With a hey pretty titty
0:38:37 > 0:38:44# And a copy of the Sun And a more nitty-gritty in the Guardian. #
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Where's my Mervanwy?
0:38:51 > 0:38:54There you are, my darling.
0:38:54 > 0:38:59Still no sign of them? They can't have vanished into thin air.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I want those men found, understand?
0:39:01 > 0:39:04- My Lord...- Silence!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Oh, Mervanwy, I hate this forest.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09I hate its dank darkness,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12its fetid fungi,
0:39:12 > 0:39:19its marshy moors, its vile, vermin-ridden vestigial vervane!
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- But, My Lord...- Silence! How dare you interrupt me!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26I want those men found, understand?
0:39:26 > 0:39:31- What I'm trying to say...- One more word and I'll have you beheaded.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Do you understand? Answer me.
0:39:35 > 0:39:40- We have the men... - Off with his head! You what?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Bring them!
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Honoured to be in your presence, My Lord.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02- What are you doing? - Kissing your horse, My Lord.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- Are you grovelling?- No, Snivelling.
0:40:05 > 0:40:12- We ain't done nothing. - We'd like 27 other offences to be taken into consideration.
0:40:12 > 0:40:18Did you two miserable creatures sell medicine to a Freeman of this city?
0:40:18 > 0:40:20No, well, HE might have.
0:40:20 > 0:40:25- He did well. It cured his constipation.- Oh. I helped.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30- Could you cure my daughter? - For constipation?
0:40:30 > 0:40:35- She's fallen into a morbid flux. - I- stepped in one of them once.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39- She's much distempered. - No, no decorating.
0:40:40 > 0:40:46- You will give her your Ethiopian Elixir. - Ah...- The alternative is the rack.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49She don't deserve that, My Lord.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51For you.
0:40:52 > 0:40:57- Followed by hanging, drawing and quartering.- Thank you, sir.
0:40:57 > 0:41:05Conduct these gentlemen to my Cunigunda's chamber. You have until cock crow!
0:41:07 > 0:41:11- What'll we do? - We strangle the cock!
0:41:30 > 0:41:35We've got two bottles of Elixir. Why don't we give her one?
0:41:35 > 0:41:38What? At a time like this?
0:41:39 > 0:41:44These are only filled with pond water, ain't they?
0:41:44 > 0:41:47That's another fine mess you got me into.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- Grudgey?- What?
0:41:52 > 0:41:59Before they hang, draw and quarter me will you promise to knock me on the head?
0:41:59 > 0:42:04- All right, if you promise to do the same for me afterwards.- Deal.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17# The maid lies here Unloved, unwed
0:42:17 > 0:42:20# But our heroes cannot save her
0:42:20 > 0:42:27# So I'll creep into the fair maid's bed And do u-s bo-th a favour! #
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Oh, Minstrel.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43Is that your lute? No.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47MINSTREL: I keep my money in my back pocket.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50COCK CROWS
0:42:50 > 0:42:53COCK-A-DOODLE-DO
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Wh-What was that?
0:42:55 > 0:42:58What...? Ohhh, what time is it?
0:42:58 > 0:43:01I don't know, my candle's stopped.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11It's past five!
0:43:18 > 0:43:25- It's a secret passageway. Come on! - It might be damp. We might catch our death of cold.- Oh, come on!
0:43:34 > 0:43:37A secret passage! Follow them.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40- CLATTER OF WEAPONS - QUIETLY!
0:44:01 > 0:44:03We must find them.
0:44:12 > 0:44:19- Curses!- That was their donkey and cart, Sire. They've fled into the Green Wood.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Curses. And I brought them this.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25Ten pieces of gold.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28I've never seen my Cunigunda SO happy.
0:44:28 > 0:44:35Someone must have given her the right medicine. Pity. Pity they must go unrewarded.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37Go on.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46Come on, let's get out of here!
0:44:46 > 0:44:50You start, I'll follow. Well, I'll have to.
0:44:50 > 0:44:57- I can't see where I'm going properly.- Who can't? You should be back here.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00I've got no control at all over anything.
0:45:00 > 0:45:06Which reminds me, Snivelling, in case we have to stop suddenly,
0:45:06 > 0:45:09- would you do me a favour?- What?
0:45:09 > 0:45:13Would you mind taking your false teeth out?
0:45:13 > 0:45:21# With a witty-titty-wobble And a tooralay And a titty fah-la etcetera. #
0:45:37 > 0:45:39Well, that seems to be just about all we've got time for
0:45:39 > 0:45:42- tonight, doesn't it, Ronnie? - Yes, I'm afraid it does.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44But before we go, a few late items of news.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47At the Alhambra Theatre Court today, Mr Albert Witterspoon,
0:45:47 > 0:45:49playing the part of Mother Goose,
0:45:49 > 0:45:52was overpowered by thieves who broke into his dressing room.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55They stripped him and trussed him up.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59A hospital spokesman tonight described his condition as "oven-ready".
0:45:59 > 0:46:04At the Albert Hall tonight, the fight for the World Short-Sighted boxing title
0:46:04 > 0:46:08was stopped in the ninth round to save the referee from further punishment.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Traffic news, Floella Zapp, the tattooed lady
0:46:12 > 0:46:14from Lord George Davidson circus,
0:46:14 > 0:46:17who has a complete map of Britain's roads system covering her
0:46:17 > 0:46:20body, informs us that there is a man at work on part of the M1.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28Finally, finally, we have been asking people
0:46:28 > 0:46:31if they have managed to keep their resolutions this year,
0:46:31 > 0:46:33their New Year resolutions this year.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36Bernard Manning said, yes, he has managed to cut down on eating.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Oliver Reed said, yes, he hasn't been drinking as much.
0:46:39 > 0:46:44But Joan Collins says essential services must be maintained.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50In our next programme, we shall be talking to Angus McTavish of the
0:46:50 > 0:46:54London Caledonian Society, who, when asked to do something Glaswegian
0:46:54 > 0:46:56on Burns' night, was sick in a phone box.
0:46:59 > 0:47:04And we'll be meeting Elastic Jack - the contortionist ho
0:47:04 > 0:47:07puts his legs behind his ears and makes a spectacle of himself.
0:47:09 > 0:47:10Until then, it's goodnight from me.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13- And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.- Goodnight.