0:00:02 > 0:00:06# The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want
0:00:06 > 0:00:12# He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# He leadeth me
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# To silent, still water
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Still water. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Sorry I'm late, everyone, I was glued to the footie.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39With digital you can choose your own angles.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I've just watched it in front of Ginola's shorts.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48- I was glued to the telly as well. - Are you a footie fan, Jim?
0:00:48 > 0:00:53No, no, no. I mean I was actually glued to the telly.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58I was trying to build an Airfix model of the spaceship Enterprise
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and I had a bit of spillage.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- How did you get unstuck? - Well, I didn't.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Right, let's get started. First thing on the agenda
0:01:13 > 0:01:16is this year's Christmas show.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Now, last year was a disappointment.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24- Your juggling, Owen.- No-one's juggled with live puppies before.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Or since.- I only dropped a couple!
0:01:29 > 0:01:34We need this year's show to be a triumph. It is the millennium -
0:01:34 > 0:01:40- 2,000 years since Jesus' birth. - Well, we're one step ahead of you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Over to you, Hugo.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48Well, six months ago, the vicar approached me, Frank and Jim...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54..to form a Christmas show subcommittee
0:01:54 > 0:01:56to come up with big ideas.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01We've been meeting once a fortnight and we're pretty excited
0:02:01 > 0:02:04because this week we had a breakthrough.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06What's that?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- We've agreed the date of the first full meeting.- Right, when's that?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13February 10th.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Next year?- Yes.- 2000?- Yes.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- After Christmas?- Yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Hugo, we want this to be the best Christmas ever.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- And we don't have a show.- Sorry.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I could juggle with kittens.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32They don't mind being dropped.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- How do you know?- Experience.
0:02:36 > 0:02:43- Moving swiftly on.- All we need is one of us to come up with one idea for the best Christmas show ever.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45By tomorrow.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Mmm.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I've got it. I've darn well got it!
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Well done.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57Listen, Christmas is all about the baby Jesus, isn't it?
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Yes, and I warn you to be careful before you suggest juggling babies.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07On second thoughts, perhaps I haven't got it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Yes, of course, bishop, our show will be very, very special indeed.
0:03:12 > 0:03:18We haven't decided, but I'm sure the best idea is round the corner.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Nice to see me, to see me nice!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Spoke too soon on that one.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'll speak to you in January, then.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh, love to Julio, by the way.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34And Juan too. Has his nasty piercing infection cleared up?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37OK, bye.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39How's it going, lady of the lump?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Weird. I can feel it moving around. - Ooh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47You've never had anything moving around inside you, have you?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Not a baby, no.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58It's amazing. It's almost as if it's alive.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02But it IS alive, Alice.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Oh, yeah. Oh, brillo!
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Do you mind if I just get on? Got a bit of a Christmas crisis.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15I'll just sit here, then. Get out your way. Get my breath back.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Right, I'll just get my stuff, then.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- RAVE MUSIC PLAYS - Can you turn that down a bit?
0:04:26 > 0:04:32It's a funny thought - when they're 70, babies like that one you've got in your tum
0:04:32 > 0:04:35will go gooey over music like that.
0:04:35 > 0:04:42The way we got sentimental about Abba, they'll get teary-eyed over Smack My Bitch Up.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Yeah, Abba were a bit experimental for me.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- I like my music more middle of the road.- What would that be?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53The Wombles, really.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Right, right.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59They were a great band, weren't they?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# Remember you're a womble. #
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Yeah, v, v funky, weren't they?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You never hear of them any more, do you?
0:05:09 > 0:05:17Take That split up and Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow carried on, but what happened to the Wombles?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22You never see Uncle Bulgaria on Later With Jools Holland.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Because Uncle Bulgaria was a man in a suit.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Uncle Bulgaria never wore a suit.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32There was always a man inside Uncle Bulgaria.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I don't care what he got up to in private.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44Many rock stars are gay. It doesn't mean he wasn't a great musician.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50He wasn't a musician at all. He was just a costume. Uncle Bulgaria is in a box somewhere.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Uncle Bulgaria is dead?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Let's finish this before I stab you to death.
0:05:56 > 0:06:02I have got to devise a show for people to remember for 1,000 years.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- That's easy!- And not Dibley's Wombling merry Christmas.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Oh, right. Difficult.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I suppose the Nativity is the obvious choice.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yes, but we need to give it a twist.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22Well, I suppose you could do it on an actual farm.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Not a farm, you silly girl!
0:06:25 > 0:06:31So the audience can follow the story round the farmyard on a magical moonlit night.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Visit the shepherds in a real field.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39Have Mary and Joseph in a stable with real cows - that sort of thing.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Alice?- Yeah?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48How does it feel to have your first very good idea indeed?
0:06:48 > 0:06:54- Great, it feels great.- Good. - And here comes some more.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59Maybe the wise men can't see Jesus when they come into the stable
0:06:59 > 0:07:03and we'll have to go, "He's behind you!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:11- Oh, your taxi's arrived. - Then Jesus can escape from Herod right up a sort of giant beanstalk.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Oh, it's a spaceship come to collect you for experiments(!)
0:07:16 > 0:07:18KNOCKING >
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Enter next hopeful thespian. - Hello, vicar.- Hello, Frank.
0:07:22 > 0:07:29- I'd like to audition for one of the wise men.- Right, here's the script.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'll read the other wise men, shall I?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35All right. Ready?
0:07:35 > 0:07:40Here we go. "Lo, behold, a wondrous star in the East."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43IN A FUNNY VOICE: "Let us follow it,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"my noble companions."
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Right. "Perchance we will encounter the son of God."
0:07:58 > 0:08:04STRANGE AMERICAN ACCENT: "Then we will worship him."
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Interesting, but I don't understand the voice.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Well, I was just thinking, I'm playing a wise man.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Now, who's wise? And I thought - of course, Stephen Hawking!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The voice.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Right, right.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27AS HAWKING: "Take this myrrh.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"It's very nice."
0:08:32 > 0:08:37I can see you've really thought about this...more's the pity(!)
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Can I call you? It's very good.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42AS HAWKING: Thank you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Right, who's next?- It's Owen.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Can you send him in?- Yes.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Right...Owen.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08And...and you've come to audition for...?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The king!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Of course - there were three kings and you are one of them.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That's right.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Will you do an Elvis impression on the night?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27It would be mad to dress up as him and not do some rock'n'rolling.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33# Are you lonesome tonight?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# Do you miss me tonight? #
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Can I just store that and come back to you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Certainly.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Would it help if I slept with you?
0:09:48 > 0:09:55- Sorry?- I've heard you can get on in acting by sleeping with the director.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I would be only too happy to oblige.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Um...no.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Who's next?- It's Jim. He's come as one of the kings as well.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Right. I hope it isn't Martin Luther King!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Right.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20He'll come back later.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27- So, how can I help? - We'd like to play Mary and Jesus,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29with me as Mary.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Oh, God! Oh, good!
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Actually, Alice, I was banking on you for the pivotal role
0:10:37 > 0:10:42of woman who sleeps through the entire thing in another inn.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Oh, that would be nice, but I want to play Mary.
0:10:46 > 0:10:53It's just that you don't actually fit the vital requirements, I'm afraid.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Joseph was a carpenter
0:10:55 > 0:11:00and, I'm afraid, Hugo just isn't, is he?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Just finished them in evening class. - Right, good.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12The crucial thing is they weren't English. Mary only spoke Hebrew.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15SHE SPEAKS FLUENT HEBREW
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Yep, just like that.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Please?- Please?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I'll think about it.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32- SHE SOBS: I want to play Mary. - It's an excellent, perfect idea.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37- Hurrah! Ooh!- See you on the set, Reverend Spielberg.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Er...Hugo,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42will your father be willing to act?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Absolutely. He was hoping you'd ask him to play God.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Actually, no. I had another part in mind.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54THEY SPEAK IN HEBREW
0:11:54 > 0:11:57There we are, that's for you.
0:11:57 > 0:12:03Nice, Jim, but one of the kings wouldn't have been Billie Jean.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Now, then, everyone,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15welcome to your first rehearsal.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Now, then, let's just whip around the circle
0:12:20 > 0:12:23to check which parts we're playing.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25For instance, I am Geraldine. Hi.
0:12:25 > 0:12:31I'm your director. I'm also the announcing angel and the narrator.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- I'm Alice. I'm playing Mary. - I'm Hugo. I'm Joseph.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'm David. I'm...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Herod.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I am Jim.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49And I, er... No, no, no...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51No.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Good, moving on.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I'm Owen. I'm third shepherd, first king
0:12:57 > 0:13:01and it's my farm we're performing in for a very reasonable rent.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Owen!- For free.- Yes, thank you.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Since this is an experimental play,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12I would like to use the rehearsal methods from Brook's productions.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18- Brooke Shields?- No, Peter Brook from the Royal Shakespeare Company.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24I wouldn't mind being directed by Brooke Shields!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"This way to the bedroom, Jim."
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Shut up, Jim!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34"Andre Agassi, get out of that bed, you lazy sod!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"I've got Jim Trott here."
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Can we get on, vicar? I've got a meeting in April(!)
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I got carried away.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53It's been a very long life with very little sexual experimentation.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59In Brook's classic productions, there was a lot of improvisation
0:13:59 > 0:14:04to enable the actors to explore the background of their characters.
0:14:04 > 0:14:10Hugo, Alice, here we go. Let's clear the floor, make an open space.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Don't worry, Alice, it's just pretending.
0:14:13 > 0:14:21Now, Alice, you're playing Mary. You're young, unmarried, a virgin and you find out you're pregnant.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- That happened to my cousin. - No, it didn't.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29She gave birth three times, but she never ever had sex with a man.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Except me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33And me.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36And me, if I'm honest.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- Now then, Alice, unmarried and yet pregnant, all right?- OK.
0:14:40 > 0:14:47That very day, who comes home? Joseph, your fiance, a humble carpenter.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51So, ooh, OK? And centre and go.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Knock, knock.- Who is it?
0:14:56 > 0:15:01It's me, Joseph, your boyfriend, a humble carpenter.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06- Oh, come on in, Joe. Cup of tea? - Yes, please.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Busy day?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yes, I've been carpentering all day.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Oh, good.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And yourself? Interesting day?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Er...well, yes, actually.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25- I spent the morning shopping. Got you a lovely supper.- What is it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Loaves and fishes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31A family recipe.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37- Great. And this afternoon? - I came home and the angel of the Lord was waiting
0:15:37 > 0:15:42who made me with child who shall be Lord of all mankind.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Oh, right.
0:15:44 > 0:15:51- Hummus?- Please.- You'd react a bit more than that, wouldn't you? It's quite big news.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- OK, yes, sorry. Good point. - Absolutely, so centre and go.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04A bit of a turn-up for the books, Joe. I'm pregnant
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and God the maker of all mankind is the father.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, oh.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Actually, have you got any taramasalata...?
0:16:14 > 0:16:19No, no, no! You're completely useless. Sit down immediately!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'll be Joseph. I'll show you how to do it.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Hello, Mary!
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Hello, Joseph.- Any news? - Yeah, I'm pregnant.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- Hang on a minute! You're telling me you're pregnant?- Yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Well, who's the father, you little scrubber!
0:16:37 > 0:16:43- God almighty, creator of all things. - I've heard that story before(!)
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Who is it?!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47SHAKY VOICE: I don't know.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54I went to the loo and the angel of the Lord was sitting on the loo.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Then he said, "You don't need the loo. You're pregnant."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, forgive me!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Get away from me, you bastard!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11How could you doubt me? I'm going to Bethlehem on me own.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And out of character. Well done!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Whisky?- Yes, please, lots.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26I'm whacked. It's exhausting, all this directing.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29No wonder Stanley Kubrick died.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Right.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Right.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39Now, obviously, vicar, I'm very happy to play Herod,
0:17:39 > 0:17:44but I did just wonder if we weren't missing a trick with him -
0:17:44 > 0:17:49a chance to make him more rounded, to bring out his nicer side.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- The nicer side of Herod?- Yes.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56You mean like the playful side of Hitler?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Exactly!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03I mean, there's Herod - a cultured, sophisticated man,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06into music, into ancient art,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10and then he massacres just one batch of babies
0:18:10 > 0:18:13and that's all people can remember.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- It's not fair. - So I have written a short singlet,
0:18:18 > 0:18:23nothing definitive, but perhaps putting his side of things
0:18:23 > 0:18:27a little more... Well, you know.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Right.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34"Herod strokes his adoring dog, Cuddles, then turns to two soldiers.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40"'Take a batallion of men to Judea and kiss all the babies there.'
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"Soldier one: 'Did he say kiss all the babies?'
0:18:44 > 0:18:51"Soldier two, who is hard of hearing: 'No, he said kill all the babies.'
0:18:51 > 0:18:56"Soldier one: 'Oh, well, let's go and massacre them then.'"
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- It's an interpretation.- No, it's not.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Naughty!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Come on, now, focus.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09You're in the fields, tending your sheep, before the angel appears.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11A bit of chatter. Make something up.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Right. Right.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Fellow shepherds, did anyone see Ground Force last night?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24No, no... Oh, yes, that Charlie Dimmock!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28She can propagate my seedlings any time.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29No, no.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34When she leans over it's like two pumpkins rolling in a growbag!
0:19:34 > 0:19:40And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Shall I prompt you for this bit?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46OK, but I am a vicar - I do actually know it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Just in case.- OK.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- For tonight...- No, no, no! It's a dramatic pause, do you see?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It looked like you'd forgotten it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07For I am an angel of the Lord
0:20:07 > 0:20:12and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:21- For tonight...- No, the pause. - But you paused a bit longer than you did in the first pause.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27- I thought you'd forgotten it.- I'll start again. You don't say anything.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31We won't say anything. Not even our lines?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yes, your lines!
0:20:33 > 0:20:39- You've got to have a prompt.- Right, Frank can prompt me, can't he?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Yes.- Thank you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44She's not very angelic, is she?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48And lo,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52an angel of the Lord appeared before them...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Be not afraid...- No, be afraid!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Be very afraid!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Oh, yes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Sorry to disturb you, vicar.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15No, that's absolutely fine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Oh!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Yum!- Yeah!
0:21:20 > 0:21:25- The thing is, I'm a bit worried about this giving birth business.- Oh.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31I watched a video of a birth last night and it looked really horrible.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35I don't want my baby bursting through my stomach.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Was it called Alien by any chance?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44That's right.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Right, right.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52Also, I've heard that mothers-to-be should avoid unnecessary strain.
0:21:52 > 0:21:58So maybe I shouldn't be acting in the play at all, cos it is pretty stressful.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03Oh, Alice, I'm sorry, but you've only got one line, haven't you?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07"But I am great with child." Six words.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13I'm worried I'm going to forget them and the worry might cause me damage.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I see your point, but on the other hand,
0:22:16 > 0:22:22if you leave me high and dry, this fist will cause you damage
0:22:22 > 0:22:27in the face department - obviously, the choice is yours.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- I think it will be OK. - Yeah, I think so, I really do.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Ah-ah-ah! sorry!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Can you sod off now? I'd like to be alone with Sean Bean.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Isn't he lovely!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Ooh, you've nicked my cake!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Right, everyone, thank you for an excellent day's rehearsal
0:22:51 > 0:22:55after a slightly shaky start.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- What do you think?- About that? - What?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Well, I just don't think it IS the greatest story ever told.
0:23:04 > 0:23:11There's the one about people who were burgled who thought the robbers hadn't taken anything.
0:23:11 > 0:23:18Then they developed their photos and found photos of the robbers with toothbrushes up their bottoms.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23So you think I should write "the second greatest story ever told"?
0:23:23 > 0:23:29Yes. A man got out of a car and his wife heard banging on the roof.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34The police said, "Get out and don't look round." But she did look round
0:23:34 > 0:23:39and it was a lunatic banging her husband's severed head on the roof.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Perhaps I should just write "one of the top ten stories ever told".
0:23:44 > 0:23:49That's forgetting Jackie Collins' stories - The Bitch, The Stud.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53And Beatrix Potter - she wrote lovely stories.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Newsroom South East's local stories.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Sorry, can we stop right there?
0:23:59 > 0:24:05Can I remind you all a little bit of the story we're telling here?
0:24:05 > 0:24:112,000 years ago, a baby is born in a stable, the poorest of the poor.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Yet during his lifetime, he says things that are so astonishing,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21that millions of people are still living their lives by them today.
0:24:21 > 0:24:29He said, "Love thy neighbour." He told us to turn the other cheek, whatever people might do to us.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Does that include Simon bonking you like a beachball?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Yes, it does, Owen.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Sadly, it does.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42But most astonishingly,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I believe that this tiny, little baby boy
0:24:45 > 0:24:48actually was the son of God.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54And when he was younger than I am today, he was brutally crucified
0:24:54 > 0:24:57for simply telling people to love each other.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03The men who did it thought, "He's dead and gone." Yet here we are,
0:25:03 > 0:25:062,000 years later,
0:25:06 > 0:25:10in a village in the middle of England
0:25:10 > 0:25:14doing a play about his birth.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Now, I think that's a pretty great story.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20ALL: Yes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25Yes, all right, it's a good poster. Leave it as it is.
0:25:25 > 0:25:31Thank you, although the toothbrush one is gripping. We can do it next year.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Frank can play the toothbrush.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Yes, please.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Ooh.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54DOG BARKS
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Right, it's time to get going.
0:25:59 > 0:26:05Break a leg and if you feel like improvising, just go for it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Ooh!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Oh, I think it's started.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Exactly like that. She's very good at it. Well done, Alice.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16All right, everyone, give 'em hell!
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Actually, no, give them a quite heavenly evening, please.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26And Jim, I'm sorry, I think this beard is far too long.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Oh, no, no...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Yes, you could be right.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Hello, everybody.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Hi. Welcome to the farmyard Nativity.
0:26:38 > 0:26:44I hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed rehearsing it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:52We haven't charged anybody anything to come in, so at the end there will be two angels at the gate.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56All donations will be welcome.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Here we go...
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I'd just like to say I'll be here slaughtering Daisy tomorrow.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06So order your Christmas beef after the show.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Right, thank you very much, Owen.
0:27:10 > 0:27:16And it came to pass that there was a decree from Caesar Augustus
0:27:16 > 0:27:19that all the world should be taxed.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24And Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife,
0:27:24 > 0:27:29who was great with child and riding upon a donkey.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37But the donkey did run away
0:27:37 > 0:27:41during rehearsals this afternoon, so in the end
0:27:41 > 0:27:45she actually turned up on a small motorised lawnmower.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54And so Mary and Joseph came unto an inn in Bethlehem
0:27:54 > 0:27:58and knocked upon the door.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Innkeeper, have you a room where we may rest?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05No, no, no.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09No, no, no. No room in the inn.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14We're fully booked because of the millennium.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19(But I am great with child.)
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Also I am great with child, so it's particularly awkward.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26(You, you.)
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Oh, sorry!
0:28:29 > 0:28:33But also I am great with child.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Oh, I forgot it!
0:28:36 > 0:28:40(In that case, I have a stable you can use.)
0:28:40 > 0:28:45In that case, the vicar has a stable you can use.
0:28:45 > 0:28:51So Mary and Joseph went into the stable the innkeeper kindly offered,
0:28:51 > 0:28:57there to make preparations for the birth of the Holy child.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Oh, I can feel it coming!
0:29:04 > 0:29:07- That's good.- No, I really can.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Oh!
0:29:10 > 0:29:15- She was good, wasn't she?- Very convincing.- I was good, wasn't I?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- No.- No.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22And at that time in Jerusalem
0:29:22 > 0:29:28Herod had heard of the impending birth of the king of the Jews
0:29:28 > 0:29:34and he was sore troubled, for Herod was a cruel and jealous king.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39Soldiers go forth unto Bethlehem and kill all the infants there,
0:29:39 > 0:29:43for I shall have no other king but me.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46- And so...- But...
0:29:46 > 0:29:49kill them gently...
0:29:49 > 0:29:55for I am not as cruel and jealous as some would have me be.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- And so...- In fact...
0:29:58 > 0:30:03I really love children, indeed I see some in my court
0:30:03 > 0:30:09and would give them many gifts of sweets and chocolates - for you.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- Thank you, Herod. - And for you.- Thank you, Herod.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17- And for you.- I love you, Herod.
0:30:18 > 0:30:24And meanwhile in the fields, some shepherds were tending their flock.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27SHEEP BAA
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Improvise.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34See that ewe over there? She's pretty.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38No, no, no. Yes, I wouldn't mind giving her one.
0:30:38 > 0:30:43And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them
0:30:43 > 0:30:45and they were sore afraid.
0:30:50 > 0:30:57Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord
0:30:57 > 0:31:01and I bring you tidings of great joy.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05For tonight...
0:31:05 > 0:31:08I know, you pillock!
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Sorry, sorry.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Great joy.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Wow, you're good!
0:31:21 > 0:31:26- Oh!- I mean, this is a Judi Dench-type quality performance.
0:31:26 > 0:31:32And so it was that the three wise men who looked like the shepherds,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36but who were completely different people, approached the stable
0:31:36 > 0:31:41riding camels, or doing very good camel-riding impressions.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And as they came unto the manger,
0:31:46 > 0:31:52they saw Mary who was great with child and looking rather hot.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Aagh!
0:31:55 > 0:31:58And in the company of only some cattle
0:31:58 > 0:32:01and her husband, Joseph.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Oh, my God!
0:32:08 > 0:32:09Oh!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Jesus, she's having a baby!
0:32:12 > 0:32:17The line is, "Look, she's having a baby Jesus."
0:32:17 > 0:32:21No, she really IS having a baby. Have a look!
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Oh! Ugh!
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Vicar!
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Excuse me one second. Thank you.
0:32:32 > 0:32:38What are you doing?! We've got them in the palm of our hands.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Aagh! Oh, my God!
0:32:40 > 0:32:44Oh, my God! We must have some towels.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48- Owen, run and get some towels. - I haven't got any.- No towels?
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- Why would I?- To dry yourself after a bath.- I don't have a bath.
0:32:53 > 0:32:59- Would anyone here have some towels? - You could use these?
0:32:59 > 0:33:03My entire costume is made of towels.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07No, no, no!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Excuse us. Is there a doctor in the house?
0:33:10 > 0:33:13- I'm a vet.- Could you come and help?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Over my dead body.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I'm not having my grandchild brought into the world by James Heriot.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23It's common sense, surely!
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Oh, dear!
0:33:24 > 0:33:30Are you sure it's a good idea having Herod take care of Jesus?
0:33:30 > 0:33:34He's not Herod now. He's Mr Horton.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Oh, yes!
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Come on, push, push! >
0:33:39 > 0:33:43- Come on, Geraldine, give us a hand. - All right.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Breathe.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48It hurts!
0:33:48 > 0:33:55Next time you get a contraction, hang on to my hand, grip it as tight as you like.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56It's coming!
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- OK.- Here it comes!
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- OK.- Here it comes!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- Aagh!- Yeaow!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Ya bitch! Ah-ah-ah-ah!
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Oh, oh, oh!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Thank you.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Oh, my God, here comes another one!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Please!
0:34:23 > 0:34:27Can't we do something? We are the three wise men.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31No, no, no, we are the kings. Oh, right!
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Deep breathing. Deeper, deeper.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41ALICE: Oh!
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- Oh!- Here's Hugo.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46- Oh, my God!- Oh, my God!
0:34:46 > 0:34:51Just one more push. Oh, my God, I can see the head!
0:34:51 > 0:34:54God, I hope that is a head!
0:34:55 > 0:34:57It's very realistic.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00 It's coming. It's coming.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04ALICE MOANS
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Aagh!
0:35:05 > 0:35:07BABY CRIES
0:35:07 > 0:35:10AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:35:18 > 0:35:21And there, in a stable,
0:35:21 > 0:35:242,000 years ago,
0:35:24 > 0:35:28God himself took part in the miracle of birth
0:35:28 > 0:35:31and Mary held in her arms
0:35:31 > 0:35:35a very special and very realistic child.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Brillo pads!
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Most excellent.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45One, two... One, two, three...
0:35:45 > 0:35:48four.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52LOUDLY: # Silent night
0:35:52 > 0:35:56# Holy night... # Ssh!
0:35:56 > 0:36:01QUIETLY: # All is calm
0:36:01 > 0:36:06# All is bright
0:36:06 > 0:36:13# Round yon virgin mother and child...
0:36:13 > 0:36:16SHEEP BAAS
0:36:16 > 0:36:24# Holy infant so tender and mild
0:36:24 > 0:36:34# Sleep in heavenly peace
0:36:34 > 0:36:43# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
0:36:44 > 0:36:48- SOFTLY:- Merry Christmas to you all.
0:36:50 > 0:36:55She really is the most beautiful baby.
0:36:55 > 0:37:00- Thank you. Could I just check something with you, vicar?- Mmm.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Have I actually given birth to the son of God?
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Because I find it a bit of a responsibility.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- No, Alice, you haven't.- Oh, phew!
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Apart from anything, she's a girl, isn't she?
0:37:16 > 0:37:20So she is. Good clue.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25- Have you thought of any names? - Yeah. Go on, Alice.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Well, we've thought about it long and hard
0:37:29 > 0:37:32and we'd like to name her after you.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Oh, guys!
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Oh, I don't know what to say!
0:37:37 > 0:37:40So I'm calling her "Vicar".
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Or Geraldine.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Oh, Geraldine!
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Oh, even better!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Splendid-o!
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Yes...Geraldine.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Good choice.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Excellent choice.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23Subtitles by Jayne MacKinnon BBC - 1999
0:38:30 > 0:38:34- A little Christmas gagette for you. - Great.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- Santa Claus goes to the doctor. - Oh, dear!
0:38:38 > 0:38:43He says, "Doctor, I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my bottom."
0:38:43 > 0:38:46I wonder how that got there!
0:38:46 > 0:38:51So the doctor says, "OK, Mr Claus, bend over, please.
0:38:51 > 0:38:56"Oh, yes, you do have a mince pie stuck up your bottom,
0:38:56 > 0:39:00"but you're in luck - I've got some cream for that."
0:39:03 > 0:39:05You see? Cream for the mince pie.
0:39:05 > 0:39:10- You mean he's going to take it out and eat it?- No...- It's not hygienic.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14No, he isn't because it's a joke.
0:39:14 > 0:39:21Doctors - what are they going to do next? Take out your appendix and have it with bacon and egg?
0:39:21 > 0:39:25- Just leaving planet Earth. - Take out your tonsils...
0:39:25 > 0:39:28# Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day... #
0:39:28 > 0:39:32To save us all from Satan's power. That's you.
0:39:34 > 0:39:39I'm not eating it, no way. Not if it's been up Santa's arse.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43I'm sticking to brandy snaps.