0:00:04 > 0:00:10# You better toss a coin into the old wishing well
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# You better roll the dice
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Cos after all, you can never tell
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- # This could be your lucky day - Lucky day
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# But if you don't play the game
0:00:22 > 0:00:23# You'll never know
0:00:25 > 0:00:26# You'll never know. #
0:00:30 > 0:00:32SOOTHING CHIMES
0:00:41 > 0:00:43KNOCKING
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- WOMAN'S VOICE:- What's the door closed for? This door is closed.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Who's in here? Ciara?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Ma, I'm in the bath!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The door's locked! Are you all right? Ciara!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Yes, I'm all right!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59BANGING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01No, Ma...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Ma, please, just leave me alone!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Holy God, are you all right? Is the light broken?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- No, it's working. - Ma, I want the light off.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Why do you want the light off when you're having a bath? You'll drown.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I won't drown, Ma. I'm not a puppy.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- I want your opinion on something. - Oh, leave me alone.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Oh, shut up, everyone's got a bum.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Now, taste this gravy.- No!- Go on.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29No, Ma, I'm trying to pretend I'm in Thailand.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Does it need more hot water or more granules?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35DOG WHINES
0:01:35 > 0:01:37No, go away.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Not for you, not for you. Any joy there now, Martin?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- What's wrong with it, Carmel? - Jesus, what's right with it?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Turns itself off at the drop of a hat,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49keeps trying to electrocute me, makes the milk warm.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I hear conversations coming from that in the middle of the night.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Conversations?- Like, "Uhmamhmlmuhm!"
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Sounds like a pub in there. It's just a demented fridge.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Well, how are you doing there, sexy?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01- Fine.- I was talking to Martin!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02HE LAUGHS
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Very well, thanks, Tony. - I was only messing.- I know.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Oh, I'm sorry, I was only messing. - Go away. Go away from me.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09- Tony, in future...- I had a pen.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Would you be able to maybe sweat a bit more evenly?- Where's my pen?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It's all in the collar there. Boil wash does nothing.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You've nothing to wear tonight.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- What's tonight? - Oh, you know what's tonight.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- That's tonight?- Yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- They'll be gone by nine, though, won't they?- I don't know.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I want a good, long, hard look at him.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26TONY WINCES
0:02:26 > 0:02:27- Oh, I saw that.- It's nothing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Will you make a doctor's appointment?- Doctor's appointment?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Well, that's a great idea, Carmel. Have you got 65 euros, please?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Tony, just give Dr Cusack a call.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Dr Cusack has freezing hands
0:02:37 > 0:02:40and he always gets you to wait for more than an hour. Do you know why?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Cos he charges for parking.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Can't keep using that as an excuse. It's a five-minute walk.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- You try walking with this thing. - You can't keep avoiding the issue.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'm not, I'm picking Rory up from work.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Tony, you have to get that bottom looked at.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Stop talking about it in front of Martin.- Yes, Tony?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02METAL CLATTERS
0:03:22 > 0:03:24HORN BEEPS
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I'm locking up.- Fair play to you.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34They have you practically running that place now.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36- Yeah.- Come on, then.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42THEY BOTH LAUGH
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Ah, I'm only codding you, Rory. Hop in.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52THEY LAUGH
0:03:52 > 0:03:54That's brilliant!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Get in if you're getting in, Rory. - I'm trying, Da.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00THEY LAUGH
0:04:00 > 0:04:03What are you making gravy for anyway, Ma?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Graham's just popping his head in. We're going out for dinner.- I know.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08SHE SIGHS
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Why is this always here?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13For drying the shoes. How are you?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17How are the nerves? Are you going mental with them? I know I would be.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I know if my boyfriend was popping round for the first time,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I'd be going absolutely mental round about now.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Actually, I am a bit worried about the impression Graham might get.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Oh, God, yes. With those two eejits. We need to watch them like hawks.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I mean, we wouldn't want them doing anything that might show us up.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37What is that up my nose?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, no, I know what that is.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, Da, what would you prefer, right?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Not being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50or ONLY being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, tough one, Rory, tough one!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Hmm... Only being able to go to the toilet the rest of my life.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Yeah, I'd agree. - Definitely, 100%.- Reasons?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, first of all, constant relief.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Yes.- Never turn your nose up at constant relief.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Now, don't be engaging in any conversations with Ciara's fella,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- all right? We need them gone by nine.- Why?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Something on the telly I want to watch. Thing about The Goose.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- The what?- The Goose.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20John Gander, crime boss, the most dangerous man in Dublin.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Oh, him. I heard about him. I heard he got shot in the face
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and now his left eyeball is made of Waterford Crystal.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28TONY LAUGHS
0:05:28 > 0:05:30There's many a wild rumour about The Goose.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31It was his right eye.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- So what do you know about this fella anyway?- Just that eyeball thing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- No, Ciara's fella.- Oh, his name's Graham Gill and he's a doctor.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- How did you find that out? - I read her texts.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Doctor? That's a step up.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Six nuggets!- Six nuggets!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And he's always talking about how he wants to examine her.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56God Almighty! He must be rolling in it if he can do her for free.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oh, Rory, this isn't our house.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01This must be where Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson live.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Sorry, ladies, we'll let you get on with your day.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Dad, it's Ma and Ciara.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06HE SQUEAKS
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Awoogah!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10All right, you two, listen up.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Eyes and ears. Ciara had something she wanted to say.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Now, Ciara, nice, big, loud voice.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Again, Ma, this is for everyone...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Everyone, do you hear that? That means you two.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22When Graham's here,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25if the conversation starts drifting into a dangerous area,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- I'll say something.- What do you mean?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm trying to tell you, Da.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Something like a code or...- A code?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36A safety word. I think that's what Ciara is trying to say.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Something to calm things down if it gets a bit hot and heavy.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I'll say something like, "It's been very mild recently."
0:06:41 > 0:06:42That's very clever.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Because it hasn't been mild, it's actually been very close.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47That will alert us something is going on.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Hasn't been that close, Carmel. - It has been close, Tony.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52That thing on your bottom only comes out when it's close.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What's this? It's a brilliant list of rude words! Look, Da!
0:06:55 > 0:06:56THEY LAUGH
0:06:56 > 0:06:59No, no, no! Those are the words you're not allowed to talk about.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Me and Ciara wrote it up.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02But these are all the good words.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Is this necessary? Can we not just all be ourselves?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06BOTH: No!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10This is exactly what we don't want - you two eejits being yourselves.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Just to say again, Ma, this is for everyone.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Yeah, you hear that, you two?- We've literally nothing left to say now.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Rory!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- Now, Ciara, may I add a word to that list, please?- What?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Fart.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I hate it, I absolutely detest the word fart.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- It's on there.- No, it isn't.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29It's under snot, look.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Oh... "Crack, snot, fart." I'm very sorry, so it is. Sorry, sorry.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36What'll I say instead of fart? There's only one word for fart.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- How about, don't talk about farts? - That's hardly realistic, Ciara.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Yeah, what if they come up in conversation?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What if someone does one?!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Maybe for tonight, could we try to hold them in?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Depends what's for dinner, Carmel. - Come on, put in a bit of effort.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I don't know, this is just a violation of my human rights.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- Rory, it's only for...- God!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59That was our fault, now.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Right, well, that should work out fine.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Thanks, Martin.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'll, um...
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"Heh-heh, good one, Mr Walsh. Ha-ha!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"Oh, Mrs Walsh, how are you? Oh, you look beautiful...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"You look nice. Very nice, Mrs Walsh."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27DOG BARKS
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Takes you back, wha?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Huh?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40I was a wreck meeting Brendan and Teresa for the first time. Remember?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Yeah, well, that was a bit different, Tony.- How?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Because we had to tell them I was pregnant.- Oh, yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Oh, Tony...- She's not pregnant.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Yeah. OK, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Tony...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Is that why we didn't spend more time at my parents house?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Because of Da chasing you down the road like that?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Nah. It's just the way it goes.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Couples end up spending all their time with one side of the family.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11The best family wins.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh, Rory told me your man's a doctor.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Where's that pen?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Has that pen gone for a walk again, Carmel?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22It's in the living room.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Ah, there it is.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30HE WINCES
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You watching this thing tonight, Martin?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What, your man coming over?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40What?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Oh, Carmel says Ciara has someone coming over.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46No. How would you watch that?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47No, the thing about The Goose.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, David Attenborough thing?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52No, the crime boss fella.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53And he's coming over?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55God, no, Martin, it's on television.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Are they upstairs?- Who?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What is it, a hidden camera thing?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No, Martin, we've gotten our wires crossed here.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It's a television programme on television about The Goose.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09He's not a bird, he's a man. A crime man, a criminal.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11He's got an eye made of Waterford Crystal.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15That sounds worth watching all right, Tony.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And how long has he been seeing Ciara?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:18 > 0:10:20The door, the door! Everybody stay calm.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Let's have a bit of craic with this fella, Martin.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I wouldn't mess with people like that, Tony.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27TONY LAUGHS
0:10:27 > 0:10:28No, ssh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33TONY GIGGLES
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Ssh! Ssh!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36HE CACKLES
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Ssh! Ssh!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Hello, Mr Walsh.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I'm Graham. I'm Ciara's...friend.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Ah, Graham, come on in.- Thank you.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Come on in there, you're very welcome.- Thank you. Hello.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I'm Tony, Ciara's da.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56And this is my life partner Martin, Ciara's other da.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh. Hello.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Ciara told you we were a pair of those, didn't she?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05She didn't mention that, no.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Yes, I love Martin with all my heart.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Thanks very much, Tony.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You don't have a problem with gay stuff, do you, Graham?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- No.- Good.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Martin, why don't you tell Graham how we first met?
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I live down the road, and I came round to borrow...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I can't remember what it was.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30We got talking, and then Tony found out I was very good with my hands.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31And it just took off from there.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, it was a whisk.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That's right. And he whisked me off my feet.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Come here, gorgeous!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Tony, will you stop that!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- I'm only messing!- Stop!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Well, now, you must be Graham.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, hello, Mrs Walsh.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You look...ravishing.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53One tries her best.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55These are for you.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Well, now, aren't you the gentleman?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Tony. God, and you're good looking, aren't you?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Do you know who you remind me of? A young Liam Neeson.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06But with a much, much higher hairline.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11God, look, what's left of the hair, it's just so fine.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13God, you can barely feel that, it's so fine.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Tony, that is softer than it looks. Feel that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I won't. Martin?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- It is very soft, actually. - Gorgeous.- It really is.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Thanks for that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, better be hitting the road.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Tony, she's not responding to me at all.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- You wouldn't go up and give it a go? - I'll give it a go, but no promises.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Ciara is just a little bit under the weather.- Oh.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48She's fine, she'll be down in a second. OK.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Just a word of warning, though.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Ciara can be a little tricky when it comes to her monthly visitor.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56She's fine during, it's just,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- the three-week lead-up can be a bit tense.- Oh.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Dunno, I think I might have made her worse.- For God's sake!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yep.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Suppose you'll want a tour of the house, then.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, um...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Yeah?- Yeah...- Yeah.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Eh...radiator there.- Right.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Phone.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26HE LAUGHS
0:13:28 > 0:13:30GRAHAM FORCES A LAUGH
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Yeah.- Ah...
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Hey. There's a picture of my old ancestors back in the Wild West.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Oh...
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Only messing! It's us! In a shopping centre! Years ago!- Oh.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Look at Rory! He loved it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Kept begging us to bring him back.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Gave in eventually.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- Is that what you're wearing?- Jesus!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Jacks there. In case you need the "Oh, Jesus!"
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Hey. Master bedroom! Hup!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Try that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26No, get on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, no, I'm OK, Mr Walsh.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Go on.- No, I'd better not. My jacket's probably a bit grubby.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Then take it off.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38OK.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Go on.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Lie down.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- It's very nice.- Soft, isn't it?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, yeah, it's very soft.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10You see, Carmel likes her side of the bed to be soft,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13but I like my side of the bed to be hard,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15so we bought two mattresses,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17chopped them in half and stuck them together.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Soft, hard.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Soft, hard. Soft, hard.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Soft, hard.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You don't believe me, do you?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Oh, no, I do. I do believe you. - Try my side.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- No, I'm OK.- Go on, switch. Go on.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Come on, then. Roly-poly now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Whoops-a-daisy. There we are.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Heh. Yeah.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- See?- This is actually a bit harder, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Ciara's room. She likes to pretend she doesn't live with us,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52so just stuck a flat number on her door, leave the post outside.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Seems to do the job. Yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Oh, did you bring your gas mask with you?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Because it's time to put them on. We're going in!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05HE MAKES HEAVY BREATHING SOUNDS
0:16:08 > 0:16:10HE LAUGHS
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- I didn't know Ciara had a younger brother.- She doesn't.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14I'm 25.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh. Hello.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Is this him?- Yeah. I'll see what's keeping the girls.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What do you think of me space?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Oh, yeah, it's very nice.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Are you going out with Ciara?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Um, I suppose so.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Well, don't mess her about.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Cos the last fella that messed her about, let's just say...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38..he's not around any more.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40What happened to him?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43His dad got a job in Cork and the whole family moved.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's a pity cos he was actually pretty sound.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Da, get out!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49OK.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Ma, I can't wear mustard. It makes me look like Big Bird.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55But the Big Bird problem is what we're trying to address here, Ciara.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I'm telling you if you wear my mustard blouse
0:16:57 > 0:16:59it'll make you look less chunky.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00They'll be ages.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Which is good news for us, because I saved the best till last.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Now, Graham, you're about to enter the inner sanctum.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Will Ciara be coming down soon?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Ah-bu-bu-buh. No girls allowed.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- We are entering boy zone.- Yeah!
0:17:22 > 0:17:26"From Xanadu did Peter Pan a pleasure dome erect."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oscar Wilde.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Pow! Cheeky beer? Yeah?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Yeah.- Give us an energy drink, Da.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Energy drink for Rory! There we go!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36- Beer!- Hey!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Beer! All right!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Ha-ha, yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
0:17:49 > 0:17:50ALL: Yeah!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Here, see that unit, Graham? Guess how much I paid for that.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, I don't know.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Fif...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04For...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Try zero.- Oh. - Try zero, Graham.- Oh, wow.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Cobbled together from some shite I found in a skip, literally.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Da is amazing at DIY.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15He built me a chill-out zone in the back garden.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It's up a tree, right, so I can read magazines and watch the sunset.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Like a treehouse?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22No!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Oh... Are those lungs, Mr Walsh?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Lungs? They're my old boxing gloves.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Did you use to box?- Yeah. So you'd better watch yourself.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Ow!- Jesus, sorry, Graham.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Da, you're after punching him in the face!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- He moved into the impact zone. That's what happened.- Sorry.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48But you're all right.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.- OK.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Rory, I was hoping to have a quiet word with Graham.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You wouldn't mind just...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- Can I listen?- No.- Oh, please, Da.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Tell you what, will you do us a favour?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Will you run in to your mother and ask for the long stand?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Oh, no, Da, she never knows where that is.- She does, just ask her.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11She's always ages looking for it and then she can never find it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I'm starting to think we don't even have one.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Good lad.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Well, here we are.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Yes...
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Graham, this is a bit embarrassing.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Yes?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I have a small...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I don't know what you'd call it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36An anal event?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Uh... Sorry, sorry... A what?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48It's like a rubbery M&M directly behind me scrotum.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Yeah... Uh...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Now, I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57so I can't afford to pay you.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01For...for-for-for what?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Well, you know.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I really...really don't.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I just want you to take a look at it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Light isn't that ideal, so let's just make the best of it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Here we go! Yeah!
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Ciara!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Ciara!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Will you slow down, lads? The food's not running away anywhere.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You had to spring this roast on us, Carmel.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You know there's a thing on I want to watch.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28DOOR OPENS
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- CIARA:- I thought we were going for dinner?- We are.
0:20:32 > 0:20:39- What are you eating for? - I don't...know.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Graham, what happened to your face?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Oh! Oh, nothing. I, er...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46walked into a door.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Are you enjoying that, now, Graham?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Is that up your street? Is that ticking your box?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Erm...yes.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Because this is just the start.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I mean, I can make roasts, I can make cakes,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I can make a savage fruit salad.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I can do things for you, Graham. I can blow your mind.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- It's very mild recently, hasn't it, Mam?- Are you mad?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10It's been awful close. I know I can make you happy, Graham.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Just give me a chance.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Just stop talking, Ma, stop talking the whole time.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Get down, you.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Why do you always come up when we have guests over?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23He wants me to stroke him - that's hardly appropriate.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'm not touching your head, not at the dinner table.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Any gravy there, Carmel? - Chicken's a bit dry, Ma.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Yeah, there's some there beside Graham.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39You... You mean this?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Did you use it all?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I-I thought it was a...drink.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- A drink?- Thought it was a beef...drink.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52A beef drink. Is there even such a thing as a beef drink?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Never seen gravy in a mug before.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- But did you like it?- Right.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Well, I'm going to my room,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06so when you're finished dinner maybe we can go for dinner.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10So, Graham, how's work going?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Oh, erm, yeah, OK. Bit stressful at the moment, though.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Long hours.- Aw, you poor thing. It's not all glamour, is it?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Do you have to work late often?
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Mostly, yeah, and night shifts are the worst. Get a lot of drunks in.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Gotcha. I know how that one goes, yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They go out, get boozed off their boxes, start a rumpus,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- then it's over to you lot to get fixed up, isn't that it?- Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Oh, God, I just think you do such important work. Yeah.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45People don't say it often enough to you guys.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oh, er, no.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Well, I suppose it is sort of important work, yeah.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Thank you, Mrs Walsh. Really appreciate that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yeah, taxi game's the exact same.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Nothing but boozed up eejits wandering out onto the roads
0:22:59 > 0:23:01at the weekend. To be honest with you, Graham,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- getting a little bit tired of hitting the brakes.- Tony!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Ah, don't worry, Carmel,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08if I clip anyone Graham here can patch them up.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Do you think I'm a...doctor?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23What?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Do you think I'm a doctor?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yeah. Aren't you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I work in a burger restaurant.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37As a doctor?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I better go check on Her Majesty. I'm sorry, I'll be back.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I never would have shown it to you if I'd known you weren't qualified.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Have you no qualifications at all?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- I studied English.- English?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Let's just forget about it.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I don't want to think about it or talk about it ever again.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Starting from now. - RORY:- Talk about what?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- I showed him that thing on me arse. - Why?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Well, I thought he was... I don't want to talk about it, Rory!
0:24:03 > 0:24:08- Eh, films! You see any films at the shop?- I saw the Fast And Furious.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10It's not very fast but it's fairly furious.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11That sounds good.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- Rory works at Future Video. - Future Video?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yeah, he's practically running the place.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Future Video...closed. Closed months ago.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- What?- Yeah, it went under. The... - Nah, nah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Cos I've been collecting him from work.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Oh, for Jesus' sake!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36KNOCK ON DOOR
0:24:36 > 0:24:37- CARMEL:- Ciara?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Ciara, you all right? Can I come in?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44SHE SIGHS
0:24:44 > 0:24:45You're just going to, anyway.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Yeah, but we'll leave the chain on, OK?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Mam, this isn't working.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02None of this is working. I need my own home, I...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I need my own flat, my own space.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I just... I can't breathe here.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12But you haven't got a job, love. You need a job.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I just wanted everything to be perfect.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Ah, Ciara, nothing's ever perfect.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I think Da punched Graham in the face.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Yeah, and I think he also showed him the anal event but, look,
0:25:26 > 0:25:31that's not the point. OK, the point is, that lad is still downstairs.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34It does not surprise me one bit.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Because I've been lucky enough now to know you for 23 years, so...
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I know what I say.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45You're the most wonderful girl in the world, all right?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And any lad with half a brain...
0:25:47 > 0:25:53would happily sit through a hundred million billion awkward,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57uncomfortable, occasionally violent,
0:25:57 > 0:25:58evenings like this evening...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03..just to get to spend a bit of time with you, OK?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13DOOR UNLOCKS
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Oh!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Oh.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Why didn't you just tell us, Rory?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- I don't know...- I've been collecting you for over a month.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30You know...you're always going on about scroungers and layabouts
0:26:30 > 0:26:32and...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Just didn't want to let you down, you know?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Rory, you could never let me down.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- Don't be listening to me, anyway, I'm just an eejit.- No, you're not.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I am.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Sure after showing Professor Burger here the thing on me arsehole.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I just like shouting at the radio.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54So, what have you been doing the last few weeks, anyway?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Practising me high kicks.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Least you haven't been wasting your time.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01DOG GROWLS
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Hey!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05What have you got? Give me that, you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Give me that!
0:27:08 > 0:27:09These yours?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Well, Graham, I'm afraid that's us.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Warts and all.- Carmel.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Shut up about warts.- OK, sorry.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- One minute, the Goose is on in one minute!- Come on, come on, leave!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Look, I hope you come back.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28But, you know, if you prefer to spend most of your time
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- with Graham's mam and dad, well, you know I'd understand.- 30 seconds!
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Well, actually, Mrs Walsh, my mam passed away and...
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Yeah, terrible, sad.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- .. Dad now lives in France... - That's awful.- ..with his new wife.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Anyway, anyway.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We...don't really get on.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51That is absolutely fantastic!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Oh!- OK, OK, Mam!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56OK, Mam, don't make me get the hose now.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Sorry. Look, go on, have your dinner.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02And we'll see you later, OK?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Have a good time, guys. Enjoy.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It's time for the Goose!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11BOTH: The most dangerous man in Dublin!
0:28:12 > 0:28:17- What's wrong with it? It's not working!- Why?- I don't know!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Press "Source" and it'll cycle on to the channels.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- Ah, thanks, Martin.- Cheers, Martin.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Well, I better be off.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30TV: 'The term "goose" applies to the female in particular.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31'while the "gander" applies to the male.'
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Dad, this is about gooses.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Are they for me?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Oh.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45They were.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Sorry.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50What are you sorry for? They're perfect.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- Could've went an awful lot worse. - Yeah.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Yeah, I kinda feel like I've got a rapport
0:29:03 > 0:29:05with your dad now, maybe, hopefully.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I think it's good to get that sort of stuff out of the way early on...
0:29:08 > 0:29:10THEIR VOICES FADE