0:00:22 > 0:00:24Victoria, are you going to be long in there?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26It's just I'm late for work.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Victoria won't get out of the bathroom.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32She will do, Dad, when she's finished.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34She's female, Susan, she's in a bathroom.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36She's never going to be finished.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Have a cup of tea.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I had enough of this with your mother.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44The hours I spent hanging about on the cold lino
0:00:44 > 0:00:47with the Daily Mail under me arm
0:00:47 > 0:00:53while she marinated herself in melon and mango body butter!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I thought at least when she left me
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- I'd be able to get into the bathroom occasionally.- Every cloud, eh?
0:01:01 > 0:01:07Then you drop YOUR lifestyle bombshell. I mean, really, Susan!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09What is the point of being a lesbian
0:01:09 > 0:01:12if you continue to act like a normal woman?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16She's entitled to use the toilet, Dad, she lives here now,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- so there's no point in getting all stressy about it.- I'm late, Susan,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I'm entitled to be stressy, and thanks to your girlfriend,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I shall to have to ablute in the works' loo,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29which I hate because we have those push-button taps,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33which are fine in terms of efficient water management
0:01:33 > 0:01:37but a total pain if you actually want to wash your hands.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Dad, I do taps all day.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, you're the expert. Can you explain the thinking?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You push the button, the water comes out. End of.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49No, Sue, not end of, far from end of,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52because when you take your hand off the button to wash it,
0:01:52 > 0:01:53the water stops.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Am I mad to call that potty?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You have to catch the water.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00It's actually quite a skill.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Push, catch! Push, catch!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It could be an Olympic sport.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"Ooh, the big Russian nearly got his fingers wet there!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Sozzers, Gerald. Blame Jordan's new boob heartache.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Apparently she's terrified to go on planes.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"Oh, my God!" MAKES POPPING NOISES
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Anyway, it's free now.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Too late, Victoria, the moment has passed. I have got to get to work...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Oh, no!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Hang on, I am sorry, but no.- What?!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37How many times do I have to tell you girls,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40you have to scrape plates before putting them in the dish washer?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Thought you were in a hurry.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44This machine has a filter, Susan.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It has a finite capacity!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50You appear to be under the impression that the KenBeam 450
0:02:50 > 0:02:53can deal with an entire chicken carcass.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I'm sorry but this is all wrong.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Dad! I just loaded that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And I am reloading it, Susan. Properly.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Gerald, this is psycho. I'm actually quite scared.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Everything is in the wrong place.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12They're dirty dishes, they're in the dishwasher. Where do you want 'em? In the fridge?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15But you can't just dump 'em in willy-nilly, Susan.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- There has to be a plan!- A plan?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Well, if not a plan,
0:03:19 > 0:03:24at least some elementary ergonomic spatial awareness.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Surely you can see that?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Dad, it's stuff in a dishwasher. You just bung it in.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Oh, brilliant, Susan. That is brilliant!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Not only is that mug now occupying a space
0:03:36 > 0:03:40where I could get four cereal bowls, if properly stacked,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44but the handle is now in danger of poking through the tray
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and obstructing the spinny thingy.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Oh, my God. So a YouTube moment.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Vic, shut up!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52But this is mug rage!
0:03:52 > 0:03:57If the spinny thingy doesn't spin, it can't distribute water evenly...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Dad...- Bits are missed,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03which get spot-welded to the plates during the drying process
0:04:03 > 0:04:07so that you have to get at them with your thumb nail and a bit of spit
0:04:07 > 0:04:10before you put 'em back in the cupboard.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16This whole load will have to be re-built from bottom up.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'll get at it this evening after me Horlicks.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Right, I have got to get to work!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Bye, girls!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Everything all right, Gerald?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Why wouldn't it be, Clive?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Isn't there any paper in the toilet?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- What?!- Thought you were using the basin as one of those bum-washers.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Bee-detts they call them.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, don't be revolting, Clive.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41As if I'd wash me backside in a sink.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'm not French.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'm just trying to get the water to flow.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It keeps stopping when I take my hand off.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Would you like me to press it for you?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Yes, Clive, that would be very helpful.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57But be gentle. The pressure's a bit erratic...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Sorry.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Blimey, Clive!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12What's that going to look like at the morning meeting?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Like you've wet yourself.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19I'm going to have to dry them under the blow drier.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20SOFT WHOOSHING
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I say "blow". "Gasp" would be a better word.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I'd get a more hot airflow wafting me trousers
0:06:27 > 0:06:30if I stood behind a flatulent hamster.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Cleaner in the toilet, gents.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Mr Wright, what you doing?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh, really, Mrs Jonson.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I am drying me trousers because they got a bit wet
0:06:44 > 0:06:47when Clive pressed the knob too hard.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49You two should get a room.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Vic, I'm on a job. I'm busy.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You're just going to have to work it out yourself.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00But I don't know whether to put it in the top tray or the bottom tray,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and then what if it obstructs the spinny thingy?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I am frozen with indecision.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16Health and safety, ladies and gentlemen. Safety and health.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19That is the name of this department.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Not "common sense".
0:07:21 > 0:07:26We are not called council "common sense" officers.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29The borough doesn't pay us
0:07:29 > 0:07:33to be "reasonable" or to "exercise our judgment".
0:07:33 > 0:07:38It pays us to minimise risk...
0:07:38 > 0:07:41even if no such risk exists.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Ours is a proud record.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53This is the department that introduced the static seesaw...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58..the horizontal slide...
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Babies must wear helmets when breastfeeding near the swings...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09..because of us.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13We are society's last best hope.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15We are... Clive,
0:08:15 > 0:08:20are you eating whilst wearing your security laminate?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I can't help it, Gerald. It's comfort eating.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I do it because I can't lose weight.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You should try that great new diet, Clive.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's called a bit of self-discipline!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35So...to business.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42On our advice, council has now completed the massive task
0:08:42 > 0:08:46of installing speed bumps at 50-metre intervals
0:08:46 > 0:08:51on every road in Baselricky, and we at Team Health and Safety
0:08:51 > 0:08:53have measured every single one.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Three days crawling round the town centre on me hands and knees.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Bit like Christmas, really.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05As you know, I have discovered one rogue erection
0:09:05 > 0:09:12which is six millimetres proud of its optimum legal altitude.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Clive, talk me through my proud erection.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21We are still talking about speed bumps, aren't we, Gerald?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23What else, Clive?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Right. Good.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Well, what we're looking at here is a whole new bump instillation process.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- A B-I-P, yes. - You want me to say B-I-P, Gerald?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Always use acronyms, Clive.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38They speed communication and thus increase efficiency.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh. Right. So the B-I-P...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Or bip.- You think bip?- I do, Clive.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"Bip" is user friendly,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48it's less alienating to the public
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and even quicker to say than "B-I-P".
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Try it. Bip. B-I-P.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Former faster. Latter slower. Carry on.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Right. Well, the bip will entail...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I'm lost, Gerald. What does "bip" mean again?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Bump instillation process, Bernard.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Spelt B-I-P, but we're saying "bip" to be clearer and to save time.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12I'm all over it now.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14He's holding us all back, you know.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Clive, guesstimate me on the temporal parameters of the current bip.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Pardon?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23How long will a new bump take?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Well, it's going to be a big job, Gerald.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27A two-phase operation.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- A T-P-O, yes.- Or teepo.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Talk me through the teepo, Clive.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Well, phase one begins with
0:10:33 > 0:10:36a bump-alignment level-location situation...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40A B-A-double-L-S...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44..followed by an upsizing procedure.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46..U-P.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51So what we're looking at here, Team Health and Safety, is a complete....
0:10:51 > 0:10:53BALLS UP.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00We may need to fine-tune our acronyms on this one.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I love a road closure.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I presume we're talking hard-hat-and-high-vis-only area, Gerald?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Absolutely, Malika. I don't care if the Queen herself turns up.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Risk management does not do exceptions.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16"Sorry, Your Majesty, but no high vis, no access."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Road closures. High-vis-only area.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23This is going to be the best birthday I ever had.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Birthday, Malika? Is it your birthday?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Friday. Cake and Asti Spumante after work.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32No presents.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36And when I say no presents, I mean, of course, presents.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40But not saucy ones. I hate that at office birthdays.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Pathetic, sex-starved blokes giving rude presents.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47A fella once gave me some fruit-flavoured condoms.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- I wrapped the raspberry one round his neck.- Blimey!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I won't tell you what I did with the pineapple.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Vic, where's the receipt for that printer ink you bought?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I don't know. In my bag maybe?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I'm not really into structure.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Vic, we've been through this.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- All receipts go straight on the fridge.- All of them?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Like, I totally got some nice lacy knickers from Girl Shack today.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hashtag I love new pants.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20All of them. I'll sort out the ones we can claim against tax.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Tax is evil.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Tax pays for the NHS, Vic.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Um, actually, you're wrong there, because the NHS is free. Derr.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33The reason it's free is because we pay for it, Vic.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Dude, if we paid for it, then it wouldn't be free.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Evening, girls. Long day and still the dishwasher to do.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46But first, Horlicks!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Happy to make a jug if people are interested.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Might even put a drop of Malibu in it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Dad, I wanted to talk to you.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Fire away, Susan. I'm all ears.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I want to talk to you about Mum.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Mum? What about her?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04She's coming to tea.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Coming here? Seriously?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Yeah. Next week.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You see, Susan! You see!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I said she'd crack first!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Ta-da-da-da-da-da!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Never coming back"? Ha! That didn't last long, did it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25High-ten, girls. High-ten.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Gerald, two high-fives do not make a high-ten.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Bless.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31She didn't ask, Dad. I did.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Ah, right. I see.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- And she's bringing Kyle.- Kyle?!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39We need to get to know him, Dad.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41As long as he's Mum's boyfriend, he's family.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Family?!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45He won't last.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Quite frankly, I don't know what your mother sees in him.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Um, derr.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53He's a personal trainer. Where's the attraction?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Double derr.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Buff guns. Tight butt.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Iron-hard pecker.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Pectorals, Vic.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Yeah, also pecker. Have you seen him in spandex?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04It's like a third leg.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10The bloke turned my stomach the first morning he showed up,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14jogging up and down in his low-cut Lycra.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Not a hair on his chest, Sue. Not one.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22I mean, I want to be generous and assume he's got alopecia
0:14:22 > 0:14:28or he's having a bit of chemo, but the truth is he waxes it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Your mother's boyfriend waxes his chest.- Dad...
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I mean, nobody objects to a bit of male grooming, trim your ears
0:14:36 > 0:14:40and eyebrows when they start going a bit pubic, yes,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42but shaving your chest?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44It's not normal.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It is these days, Dad, and Kyle's coming to tea.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Well, if he leaves moisturiser on me World of Leather,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52he's paying for the cleaning.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Dad, listen to yourself! I'm worried about you.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Don't worry about me, Sue. I'm fine. - You're not fine.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You've been hurt and you're not facing up to it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03How? How am I not facing it?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Well, by...by banging on all the time.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07It's why Mum left.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You were banging on while she grabbed her car keys.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Susan, she crossed the line.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14She left a bit of butter in the Marmite!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18A LOT of butter in the Marmite.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And also a lot of Marmite in the butter.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I said, "Valerie, it's very simple.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"Just wipe the knife on the edge of the toast before..."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And she left, Dad, and I don't blame her.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36In fact, if Vic was bringing in a bit more money, we'd leave too.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Getting there, Sue.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38TEXT ALERT
0:15:38 > 0:15:42In fact, boom! Looks like I've got a DJ-ing gig right here.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Safe, mah bruv.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Dat was nuff sick las' nigh', hangin' wit dah yute an' stuff.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I is tellin' you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51So, guy, me is lookin' to spin mah fat beats for da ladies
0:15:51 > 0:15:53an' da brethrin!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Yeah, make some fierce noise, raht?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Rinse it out!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Oh, sorry, Mrs Collins!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Yeah. No, when Jonathan comes in,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07can you tell him Victoria returned his call?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Thanks.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12What?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You were putting on that voice again, babes.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16No! Really?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, my God, I so don't know when I'm doing it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You're not thinking of leaving, are you, girls?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I think I'd rattle about a bit in this house on me own.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Well, we're not going to be here forever, Dad.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- You have to start rebuilding your own life. - I don't know what you mean.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Having the courage to say "I've been hurt but I'm still here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"This is my life and I'm going to live it to the full!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:41You mean upgrade our Sky subscription?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43That's a big step.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46No, Dad. Mum's been gone six months.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You're not a monk.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I mean start dating again.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Miaow!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Dating? Who'd want to date me?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Lots of girls. What about that one at work?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The one that Mum always used to say flirted with you at the ballroom dancing night?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, Malika?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05She's a bit of all right, isn't she?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Well, yes. She is an impressive woman, no doubt about that.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Feisty. Spirited. Passionate about health and safety.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Not hard to look at, either.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21In fact, it's her birthday on Friday.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Well, that's perfect! Buy her a little pressie!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Something girlie.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29There's a great new shop on the high street called Girl Shack.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Me and Sue love it. - Girl Shack, you say?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Or Ann Summers?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Yeah? What? - Yes, I'd like to buy this.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50PHONE RINGS
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Excuse me. Won't be a moment.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Girl Shack, can I help you?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I'll have to check the stock on the computer.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Excuse me, miss. I am here.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02If you can just wait one moment while I deal with this call.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04But I was here first. I turned up.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Why should some lazy so-and-so,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09who can't even be bothered to get off his fat backside,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12get to jump the queue just cos he's picked up the phone?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15It's policy to deal with calls as they come in, sir,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18otherwise they keep ringing. It's policy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25It's policy. Same excuse the Nazis tried at Nuremburg.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Just following orders!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Excuse me! I was here first.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32No, you wasn't. I was here. You was talking to him.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I was only talking to him because I was waiting to talk to her!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Now I'm talking to her and I don't want to talk to you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39You're only talking to her because I was talking to him
0:18:39 > 0:18:42while I was waiting to talk to her. That's why I'm talking to you.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Are you a nutter? - No, I am not a nutter!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47You are, you're a nutter.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I've got these four dance leotards,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but I'm buying them for four different girls at Zumba.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- So do you want to pay for them separately?- Yeah, and can I get an individual receipt for each one?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Not a problem.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01PHONE RINGS Excuse me. Won't be a moment.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Girl Shack, can I help you?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04A scarf?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Certainly, if you'd like to come by and see us ..
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Here I am and here is the scarf.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13But I'm serving her.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15But I am on the phone.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I think you are aware of shop policy.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21So stick that on your iPod and shuffle it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25TUNELESSLY: # Help, I need somebody
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# Crazy right now
0:19:27 > 0:19:28# Not just anybody
0:19:28 > 0:19:29# Crazy right now. #
0:19:29 > 0:19:31That's really good, Vic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Yeah, it's a mash-up of the Beatles and Beyonce.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm calling it Beyonce.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39What about the Beatles part?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Derr.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44It's the first bit of Beatles and the second bit of Beyonce.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Which is Beyonce.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Well, I suppose I could do the first bit of Beyonce
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and the second bit of Beatles.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Which would be Beatles.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Well, I did it.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Ooh, Girl Shack! So you took my advice, then? Very cool, Dad.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Very classy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It's just a little birthday gift. A nice silk scarf.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Oh, 32 quid. Lucky her...
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Oh, no!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14They've left the security tag on.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Totally do not try and get it off.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I've tried loads of times in shops.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It just sprays ink all over the changing cubicle.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Blimey. I'm going to have to take it back after work tomorrow.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Don't get me started.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Do not get me started.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34So, the balls-up has been completed
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and the bip is now pending.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Talk to me, Clive.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Well, Gerald, Malika was right, we've had to close the road.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Nobody likes it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I do. I flipping love it!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48The surrounding streets will get over-congested
0:20:48 > 0:20:49so we'll have to close them too.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52That'll block the whole town centre from the south.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54We'll have to put in temporary buses.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Temporary buses mean temporary bus lanes.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00And temporary bus lanes means temporary bus stops,
0:21:00 > 0:21:05which means a temporary construction base,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07which means...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Portaloos.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You want to be careful with those, mate.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I used one when we had the multicultural festival.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Unfortunately, the lock was broken,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19so I thought, "I know, I'll jam the door shut with me foot."
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Only opened outwards.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23"Hello, ladies!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25We've all been there.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Yes, well, we need to be prepared for every eventuality
0:21:29 > 0:21:32and for major congestion and inconvenience.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35The tailbacks will go all the way to the M25.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36I'm afraid so.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Close it!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Close the M25! We have the authority!
0:21:41 > 0:21:45We can do it. Let me lay the first cone!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Now we mustn't leap to judgment, Malika.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Closing the M25 would mean shutting down Heathrow, Gatwick
0:21:52 > 0:21:54AND the Channel ports.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That is a big call.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It takes a big man to make a big call, Gerald.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Are you a big man?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Yes, Malika, I am.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10If necessary, I am.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I am a...a BIG man!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Good afternoon, miss.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I'd like some service, please, that is unless there's anybody else
0:22:23 > 0:22:25in the British Isles that might need you,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29in which case, they would naturally take precedence.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Was there something? - Yes, there is something.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36You sold me this scarf yesterday and you left the security tag on.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Oh, sorry about that. Have you got the receipt?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44But why would you need the receipt? You've got the scarf.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47A receipt proves you've paid for it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Otherwise you could have picked it up just now.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53But you sold it to me yesterday. Surely you remember me?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, yes, sir. I remember YOU.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Do not get me started.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01OK, we won't.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The receipt for the scarf wasn't in the bag.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I know, you left it. I stuck it to the door of the fridge.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Of course. The fridge. The family database.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13What else would you do with a valuable and important document
0:23:13 > 0:23:16but stick it to the fridge with a plastic banana?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Girl Shack.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I'll pick it up on me way to work,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27and this time this ticket does not leave my jacket pocket.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Anyone for a cup of tea?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I'll text you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Excuse me, please. Excuse me, I need to get through.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Morning, Team Health and Safety!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I'm just popping in to the high street,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45so move the barrier, please, Clive.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47CLIVE LAUGHS Good one, Gerald.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Excuse me, Clive?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- This is a test, isn't it?- What?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You said no high vis, no access. No exceptions.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56You're testing our resolve.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- No, actually, I'm not, Clive. - Yes, you are.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- I would have let him straight through.- I'm really not testing you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05The more you say it, the more obvious it gets.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You can trust Team Health and Safety, Gerald.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Your team. Your rules.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Well done, Clive.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Barrier, please. Clive. Thank you!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, it's you again. Have you got your receipt?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yes, I have and it is...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40in the pocket of me other jacket.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Cheers! Happy birthday, Malika.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Well, top birthday all round.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52A family box of Celebrations from Clive,
0:24:52 > 0:24:56strangely with no Malteser Teasers or Caramels in.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Yeah.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Funny, that.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01A Jethro Tull CD from Bernard...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07..and a tub of lovely grey stuff from Mrs Jonson.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Thank you all very much.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I have also bought you a present, Malika.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Have you, Gerald?- From that new shop in the high street.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Girl Shack? I love their stuff.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Hand it over, then.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Unfortunately, it is still in the shop
0:25:26 > 0:25:29but I have the receipt with which you can claim it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31What have you got me?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Something I'd really like to see you in.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You'd really like to see me in this, would you?
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Oh, yes. In fact, I'd be honoured if you'd let me put it on for you.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I could do you for harassment!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"One pair lacy knickers"?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, Gerald, this is a mistake.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Of course it's a mistake!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07There's no way Malika's a size 8.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Off to work, love.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Victoria is monopolising the bathroom again,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19but this time the works' toilet tap...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22..will not defeat me.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Aagh!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Blimey!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26WHOOSHING
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- Got squirted again?- Yes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34They're not going to dry, either.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39The moisture has stuck the fabric to me thighs, thus impeding air flow.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43I need to distance me trousers from me body.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Well, how about creating a drying frame
0:27:46 > 0:27:49using polystyrene cups from the drinking fountain?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52That's a very good idea, Clive.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Cleaner in the toilet, gents!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Mr Wright, what you doing?!
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Quite obviously, Mrs Jonson, due to ongoing problems with dampness,
0:28:12 > 0:28:16I have placed a polystyrene cup in me trousers.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Well, whatever turn you on, I suppose,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22but you keep your hand off my rubber gloves.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27And next time, put a sign on the door!
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd