0:00:22 > 0:00:25Dad, I'm making a list for tomorrow's shop.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I want to get something special for Mum's visit.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Do we have to discuss this tonight, Susan? I'm tired.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I've been in the park all day
0:00:33 > 0:00:36nailing warning signs to conker trees.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Warning signs?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41"When using the fruit of council-owned horse chestnuts
0:00:41 > 0:00:43"for recreational purposes,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46"goggles must be worn."
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Boom! You've totally made the Baselricky Bugle, Gerald!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52"Conker killjoys say no to fun.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55"What a bunch of horse chest nutters!"
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I am aware of the media backlash, Victoria,
0:00:59 > 0:01:04but I will not be pressurised into hypothetically endangering
0:01:04 > 0:01:08the notional sight of a theoretical child.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Never mind the Baselricky Bugle,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I want to talk to you about Mum's visit.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's our first family tea since the divorce.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Family?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18A family is what your mother left.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Families change, Dad.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24I'm with Victoria now and Mum's with Kyle and we have to welcome him.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29I want you to make your famous onion quiche with Italian salami.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Susan, is that a satellite bin bag?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- What?- It is!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's a satellite bin.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38How many times do I have to tell you, girls,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41when the swing bin is full,
0:01:41 > 0:01:42you have to empty it!
0:01:42 > 0:01:48Creating a satellite out of a plastic carrier bag from the supermarket
0:01:48 > 0:01:52can only defer and redouble the inconvenience
0:01:52 > 0:01:56whilst simultaneously diminishing the quality of the home environment!
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Oh, my God! Bin rage!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I couldn't get the bag out.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03No, Susan, because yet again,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07you and Victoria have stuffed it
0:02:07 > 0:02:10fuller than a banker's bonus!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13It is a bin.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Its capacity is limited by its parameters.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Did you think it was bigger on the inside?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Like Dr Who's TARDIS?
0:02:24 > 0:02:29I'm going to have to clamp it between my legs and tease it out.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Go on! Come on!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Come on, come on.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This is so a YouTube moment.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Vic, stop it!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, he's humping it. Like a dog on a leg.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What was your plan, girls?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Were you ever going to address the core problem?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Or just keep adding satellites
0:02:50 > 0:02:53until you'd exchanged a full bin bag in the kitchen
0:02:53 > 0:02:56for a kitchen full of bin bags?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Never mind bin bags, Dad,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00are you going to cook Mum and Kyle your quiche or aren't you?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02No, I am not.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I have agreed to attend this tea for your sake
0:03:05 > 0:03:07but I am not going to play happy families
0:03:07 > 0:03:10with the preening body builder.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15I knew he was a swine the first moment he showed up.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18The moment I saw that waxed chest.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's just personal grooming.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Oh, is that what you call it? I call it fiddling with yourself.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Why can't everybody stop fiddling with themselves?!
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Piercing, waxing, shaving, plucking.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Sticking nails in their nipples
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and bolts in their belly buttons.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Rings through their noses, dinner plates in their ear lobes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:49Just leave yourselves alone for a moment! Join a book club.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Do some social work.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I am so going to Songify this.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56He probably waxes his scrotum.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They do, these metrosexuals.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02In was in the Mail.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Ten years ago, that sort of thing would only have ever happened
0:04:06 > 0:04:08on a Japanese game show!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Now, if you'll excuse me, I am trying to focus
0:04:14 > 0:04:18on the extraction of an overstuffed bin liner,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22which is a very delicate operation.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Always being careful not...!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29To rip the top of the bag?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Don't you hate that?
0:04:39 > 0:04:45Good shot, Bernard! Welcome to the wonderful world of Bonkers!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Contrary to reports in the media,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Team Health and Safety is saying yes to fun.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55In fact, we're saying, "Hello, fun, you're welcome in Baselricky
0:04:55 > 0:04:59"as long as you don't blind a child."
0:04:59 > 0:05:02So, Clive, on a scale of one to ten,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04how much fun were you having?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Is ten high or low, Gerald?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08High, Clive, always high.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10As in ten out of ten or a perfect ten.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Ten top. One bottom.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15One bottom is always the rule.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Yes, that's absolutely right. - Thank you, Bernard.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Although Antipodean opossums do have two vaginas.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm sorry, Bernard. I think I must be going deaf.
0:05:26 > 0:05:32I thought you just said that Antipodean opossums have two vaginas.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Just a bit of pub quiz trivia for you there, Gerald.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You said that one bottom was always the rule,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39which is, in fact, correct.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No creature has two bottoms,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46but amazingly, most female marsupials have two vaginas.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Lucky male marsupials.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52We don't make smutty comments in our fluros, Clive.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The males have double-headed penises.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I hate to think of the state of their toilet floors!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02People, please!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Can we drop the subject of marsupial genitalia
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and address the matter at hand.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11We are playing Bonkers, Bernard,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and I asked Clive for a score on a scale of one to ten
0:06:14 > 0:06:16on how much fun he was having,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19with ten high, because ten out of ten is good.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22One should be high, because one is first.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Yes. Lady Gaga wouldn't want a number ten, would she?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That woman's disgusting.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Leaping about in a G-string.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I bet she wishes she had two vaginas.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Twice as many to shove in peoples' faces.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I worship her. I'm one of her Little Monsters.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Because of her, I've given myself permission to love myself.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Well, I hope you'll be very happy together, Clive,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48but Lady Gaga is not germane.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Yes, that's right. She's American.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Germane...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Bernard. Not German.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59As in relevant and, in this case, relevant to my scale,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01on which ten is high.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- One should be high. - Malika, it's just plain logic!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Oh, is it? Well, tell me this then, Gerald.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Year after year, when you and Valerie came first in the dance-off
0:07:11 > 0:07:12at the work's Ballroom Night,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14did you wish you'd come tenth?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I expect you and the Mayor will win this year's dance-off, Malika,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20now that Gerald and Valerie have divor...
0:07:20 > 0:07:21won't be competing.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23That was the first thing I thought when she dumped him.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Can we please leave my ex-wife out of this? Team!
0:07:27 > 0:07:32On a scale of one to ten, with ten high because it's my scale,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35how much fun were you having playing Bonkers?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38BOTH: One.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43You've overstepped the mark this time, Mr Wright.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46The mark overstepped have you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49A stock laughing of us have you made!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Proof want I, Mr Wright!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Proof that conker playing dangerous is.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Or I will see you sacked, Mr Wright.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Sacked, Mr Wright, will I see you!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02That is all and all, I might add, is that.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Mrs Maha.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Dance rehearsal? This evening, Mrs Maha?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Only five weeks left till the big Ballroom Night.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Till the big Ballroom Night five weeks only.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23- I'll be there, Mr Mayor. - Then, cha-cha-cha, Mrs Maha.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Mrs Maha...
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Cha-cha-cha.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38So you're really not going to cook Mum your quiche?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39No, Sue, I'm not.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Blimey. How long have we been standing here?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Shut up about the queue, Dad!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47This is what drove Mum away.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You're just so stressy all the time.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I've got frozen goods, Susan, I'm entitled to be stressy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55My Mini Magnums are melting.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Now! That silly woman's Chunky Kit Kat won't scan.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Dad, it doesn't matter.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06It does matter, Susan! This is the nightmare checkout scenario.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Frozen item meets faulty barcode.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13It's a supermarket perfect storm.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- It'll be fine.- Will it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16I once got stuck behind a woman
0:09:16 > 0:09:18with a tin of cat food that wouldn't beep.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19By the time I got to the till,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22my oven chips had turned into mashed potato.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, it's your own fault, the other queue was shorter,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27but you insisted on joining this one.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Because, Susan, I know that woman on the other till.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33She's got form.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35What do you mean "she's got form"?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36She's a bread crusher.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Grips your granary like she's throttling a cat
0:09:41 > 0:09:44and you can never get them back into shape.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Every slice comes out looking like Marilyn Monroe.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Dude, I am so hearing you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54She crushed my Vogel loaf.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57And the Vogel loaf is a very dense bake.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Hello? Sunflower and pumpkin seed.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Oh, my God, it's like a high-fibre breeze block.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05But that bitch bruised it like it was a bap.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I'm worried about you, Vic.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I think you're going over to the dark side.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Chantelle! - Cheryl!- You shoppin' here?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Yeah!- No!- Yeah!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- I'm shoppin' here!- No! - Yeah!- Random!- I know!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I'm like, "Oh, my God." - I'm like, "Oh, my God."
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I've got to tweet this. - I've got to tweet this.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Excuse me, but this is a queue.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh my God, it's him. It's the nutter from the shop.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I am not a nutter, Miss.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I am just somebody who knows right from wrong.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You pushed in then and you're pushing in now.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35She never pushed in. I saved her a place.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Don't give me that, love! You said it was random.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40You tweeted it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43She's my mate. Everyone knows you can join a mate in the queue.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Only if the mate is keeping a place.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Not if it's random.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48And you just said it was random,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51so hop it or I'll get a store detective.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Hash tag...awkward.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I've had this since I was little.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03We were at Alton Towers once and he did the same thing to Mum.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04His own wife.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Gerald. That is psycho. Dot, dot, dot, stunned face.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12But I hadn't been saving her a place.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15She'd said she didn't want to go on the Death Dumper.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Do you think I liked sleeping on the couch for three weeks?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Our challenge, Team Health and Safety,
0:11:27 > 0:11:32is to provide the Mayor with proof that playing conkers is dangerous.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34The question is, how?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Well, don't we just whack 'em till someone gets a bit in their eye?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39But we won't get a bit in the eye, Malika,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Because we'll be wearing goggles
0:11:41 > 0:11:44in order to avoid getting a bit in the eye.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46But if we wear goggles to avoid getting a bit in the eye,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49how do we get a bit in the eye to prove that we need goggles
0:11:49 > 0:11:51to avoid getting a bit in the eye?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I've gone all dizzy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58We approach the challenge scientifically,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03establishing a General Recreational Environment Aptitude Test.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Acronimically...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10G-R-E-A-T,
0:12:10 > 0:12:15by means of a Ballistic Information Graph,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18B-I-G...
0:12:20 > 0:12:25..to record Conker Optimum Collision Knowledge.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30C-O-C-K.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38So, Clive, speak to me about my Great Big Cock.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Well, Gerald...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46..we're still on conkers, are we?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What else, Clive?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Well, I've got this lovely box of Lindidindidors...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Yes...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55And they're just like little chocolate conkers, really.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Same size, same shape.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04So I was thinking, if we played with chocolates instead of conkers,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07when we got a bit in the eye, it would just melt away.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You've come up with that idea so you can eat chocolates at work,
0:13:13 > 0:13:14haven't you, Clive?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I saw it as a win-win situation.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Here's an idea, Gerald. Work with me.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Run it up your pole.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26We need crash test dummies.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Put some glue on the eyes, see if any bits stick to them. Job done.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Bernard, that is blue-sky thinking, well done,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36but we don't have the budget for dummies.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Remember we hired one to test that seesaw in Clement Attlee Park?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45You sat on the other end, the dummy ended up in the duck pond.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It cost us 35,000 quid.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53The shop I get my ballroom dresses made's got loads of old mannequins.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I bet we could rent a few off her for 20 quid.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Malika, that is inspired!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02You are really thinking outside your box.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I beg your pardon!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12You know Gary?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I took him on to help me with the heating at the care home.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Don't really follow your stuff in detail, babes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I know it involves pipes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21He only plumbed the immersion into the grey water, didn't he?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Them old ladies have been flushing their toilets with hot water.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28What a brilliant idea. Warm splash back.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm going to have to sack him now, which is just horrible.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Leadership is hard.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I think she's totes amaze to have a business at all.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I mean, I'm just crap. I'm like a kept babe.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Don't say that, Vic.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It's just more people need plumbers than DJs.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Which is so wrong, I think.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You'll get there, Victoria. You just need a start, that's all.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Keeping the faith, big guy!
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Perseverance, Victoria,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55a quality your generation would do well to consider.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And here is a case in point.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00As you know, I have been Googling
0:15:00 > 0:15:04"How to empty an overstuffed swing bin"
0:15:04 > 0:15:06and I have got another result.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Dad, I still want to talk about Mum....
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Now, the trick, apparently,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17is to knot the bag,
0:15:17 > 0:15:24then, up end the entire bin
0:15:24 > 0:15:27and shake it up and down....
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Oh, my God! Gerald's humping the bin again.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37I am not humping it, Victoria, I am emptying it...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The bin liner's split.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43But it is out.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Now, all we have to do is contain the spillage.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Dad, you haven't forgotten about Mum and Kyle coming round tomorrow?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53No, Susan. I will be there.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55With your quiche.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57No, Sue. Not with my quiche.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Are these things designed so you can't get into them?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I think you're supposed to blow on them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Good idea, Victoria. The moisture will enhance the viscosity.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16They can detect trace radiation on the fringes of space
0:16:16 > 0:16:19confirming the origins of the universe,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22but they cannot design a bin liner you can get into!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Do not get me started.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It would be a favour to me, Dad!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I am not making my famous quiche for Valerie's boyfriend.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It's bad enough I've got to have him in me house.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Rejecting Kyle isn't going to bring Mum back because she's gone!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42But she's still my mum and we're still a family
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and if you care about me at all, you'll...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Oh, Susan...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Well done, Gerald. Really sensitive.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I know you miss her, Dad, but you've got to get through this.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55We've got to get through this. You, me and Mum.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57You think I'm being selfish, don't you?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Doh!
0:16:59 > 0:17:04No, you're right. Of course, you're right. Valerie has started a new life.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I've lost her.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Time to accept it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I'm sorry, Dad.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12No, no, don't be sorry, it's me that should be sorry.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16So I'm in town tomorrow with me team,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20I shall pick up a salami and a couple of onions.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22That is so a beautiful gesture.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Thanks, Dad.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You were trying to open the closed end.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35CHUCKLING
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Astonishing what people seem to find amusing, isn't it, Clive?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We need to manhandle Malika's mannequins
0:17:51 > 0:17:53into conker observation mode.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55They got a bit messed up in the service lift.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57This one's nearly doubled up, Gerald.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, put it on the table, Clive,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01get between its legs and push its chest.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Right.- This one's bent over, I can't straighten it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Sit across its lap, Malika, and grab its shoulders.- OK.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09The head on this one is twisted.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Right, I'll pull it from the front, you push from the back.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Mr Wright, what you doin'?!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Crucial Conker Impact Testing, Mrs Johnson. Isn't it obvious?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30You're a filthy man, Mr Wright.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Nearly, nearly there.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I've got news.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Kyle and I have been talking about a big trip to Australia.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Australia?- Well, it's just a bit grim here, yeah? And dirty.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I mean, hasn't anyone in the UK got a bloody broom?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You blokes used to run the world,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52now it's almost like you've given up.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Pulled stumps and gone home.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Kyle says I'd look lovely on Bondi in a bikini.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Of course you will, Mum, but Australia?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02It's such a long way.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05You see! That's the Pommie problem right there.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"Ooh, big step. Scary. Can't do that, we're Poms."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"Don't do scary." Come on, guys!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Get over yourselves.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Kyle's been helping me look at the best way
0:19:14 > 0:19:17to invest my divorce settlement, Sue.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20And your degree in economics came from which fitness centre and juice bar?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It's all good, Sue.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I've trained some of the richest guys in Brissie.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'm talking major CEOs.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I unblocked a dentist's dishwasher yesterday,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31don't mean I could do you a filling.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Boom! Your face.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Hey, hey! Hostile?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yeah? Are we doing that?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Are we going there? We so don't need to go there.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Da-da! Here it is!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Dad's famous onion and salami quiche. For you, Valerie.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51And for Kyle. With love.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Up to you, babes. But...white flour, yeah?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Starch? Hello?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59What you're looking at here is a fat arse.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Well, it's a sort of closure, I suppose, Sue.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I think I get it, she's gone for good.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Happy now?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Happy? Are you potty? I'm worried sick.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Mum's being played. This bloke's planning to rip her off.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Safe, you know? I'm know some bredren gon' mess him up, yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26You wan me call mah soldiers? Shank 'im good?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Cos a right bangalang!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29This is really serious.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Mum's making a fool of herself.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We've got to stage an intervention.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Dad, I want you to talk to her.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Me?- It's your fault she's with him.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39My fault!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42She's rebounded, flung herself at the complete opposite type to you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Handsome, strong...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Confident, laid back...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Dangerous, sexy.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I am still here, you know.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No wonder her head's been turned.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55You have to help her, Dad.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Take a leaf out of Kyle's book.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I am not waxing me scrotum!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I mean loosen up a bit. This is important.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06If I can persuade Mum to talk to you,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09will you try and get her to see sense about her money?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Yes, well, of course. I'll try.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You think it would help if I loosen up a bit? I can do that.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Yeah, right. Except, actually, er...no, you can't.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I can, Victoria. I can loosen up.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27And for the final time, when you finish stirring your tea,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29will you not put the wet spoon
0:21:29 > 0:21:30back in the sugar bowl?!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Any bits stuck to the glue?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'm afraid not, Gerald.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's no good, Team Health and Safety.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45We're going to have to concede defeat.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Listen, Gerald, just a thought. Leave it with you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50We could just cheat.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Cheat, Bernard?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Whoops! Incoming.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Ooh, kiddie cops a sixer.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Look out. Another one!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Oh...double whammy. Nasty.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Conker goggles all round.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04No, Bernard. That is not the way I roll.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Although it is self evident
0:22:07 > 0:22:12that the shattering of hardened nuggets of organic material
0:22:12 > 0:22:17in the vicinity of kiddies' faces is dangerous,
0:22:17 > 0:22:23we can't prove it and I will not falsify the evidence.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28All we're saying is, don't rush, Mum.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Don't rush! Don't have fun!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Don't grab a chance to enjoy life?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Is that what you're saying, Sue?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I'm 43!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It's about time I did some bloody rushing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Please, talk to Dad. Dad's sensible with money.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Oh, your Dad's sensible all right. He's sensible about everything!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Follow the rules, Valerie, there's a right way and a wrong way!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Well, there is when it comes to your savings.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55If only he could have loosened up a little bit. We might...
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Still be together?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Oh, I don't know, maybe. We were happy, you know.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02For a long time.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05He just ground me down.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08He has loosened up, Mum, or at least he's trying.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Your dad? I'll believe that when I see it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Believe it, Val.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Last night I put a wet spoon in the sugar bowl
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and he was over it...
0:23:17 > 0:23:18in like, ten minutes.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22See! Please come round and talk to him, Mum.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24He'll make a fresh quiche.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Oh, well... I wouldn't mind a bit of that quiche.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31He's got lovely pastry fingers, your father.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I do miss him, you know.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37It's just he ground me down.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Well, Mr Wright? Mr Wright, well?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Progress any?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47To wit conkers. Shattered. Shards in eye thereof?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Evidence pertaining?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Not as such, Mr Mayor. It's a difficult procedure.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It's an up-balls total, Mr Wright.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Well, I would say more of a hiatus temporary than an up-balls total.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05You've failed, Mr Wright. Failed have you. Conkers not dangerous are.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Full stop and stop full.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Therefore, the honourable only thing for you to do
0:24:09 > 0:24:12is resign before I you sack.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14In that case, I....
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Resignation accepted, Mr Wright.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Can I have his job, then?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Nothing personal, Gerald,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23but we don't want it going to some time server from public toilets.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No, quite right, Malika.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I'd like to hand the torch on to one of our own.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Well, Mrs Maha,
0:24:31 > 0:24:35as long as assured I can be that the duties extra impact
0:24:35 > 0:24:39not on your preparations for the big Ballroom Night, then....
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Cha-cha-cha, Mrs Maha.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Mrs Maha...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Cha-cha-cha.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Oooh, Ferrarer Lindidindidindindors!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52My favourite!
0:24:56 > 0:24:57He's choking!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Heimlich manoeuvre, Team Health and Safety!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You saved my life, Mr Wright.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Life my saved you.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yes, Mr Mayor!
0:25:14 > 0:25:19And from what did I you save, ask I may?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23A conker dangerous, Mr Wright.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28A highly conker dangerous.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Mature cheddar, French butter,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39fresh herbs, new jar of Dijon.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42This is going to be the finest quiche I've ever made.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45And whatever you do, don't go banging on.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47If she puts a wet spoon in the sugar, forgive her.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50If she doesn't screw the lid back on top of the Branston, ignore it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53If she tears off all of her clothes and throws them on the floor,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55don't make her pick them up and fold them and put them in a drawer.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Blimey.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00If she smears honey on her gazungas, don't wipe it off, lick it off.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Vic, shut up.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04This isn't about getting Mum and Dad back together.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's an intervention.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08The important thing is to get her away from Kyle.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Oh, look, Chell. There's the nutter.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13All right if we stand here, nutter?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15We're not breaking any rules?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Hello, Gerald? Girls.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Hello, Valerie, what a surprise!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22We were just doing a bit of shopping.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, I just popped in to get a bottle of wine.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I thought I'd bring it round tonight to go with that quiche.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Great minds, eh?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Ooh. I shall have to be careful. I'll get tiddly.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well, promises, promises!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, my God! Wrinkly flirting. So sweet.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Don't be so fresh!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I'm just coming around to talk about my finances.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Excuse me, but you're not letting her in, are you?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Of course he's letting me in.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Everyone knows you can join a friend in a queue.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Only if the friend's keeping a place. Ain't that right, nutter?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53And you just said it was a surprise.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54So send her to the back.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Well, Gerald?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Say no, Dad!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Imagine honey all over her gazungas!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I beg your pardon?- I'm sorry, Val,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09but there's a right way and a wrong way.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14And this was a random encounter, not a pre-arranged liaison...
0:27:16 > 0:27:17You do understand...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, I understand all right!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23This is Alton Towers all over again, isn't it?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I will never forget the humiliation,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28winding my way up that bloody queue
0:27:28 > 0:27:31with all those snotty kids laughing at me.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I'd be delighted to come to the back with you, Val.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, Gerald!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm sorry, Sue, but this was never going to work.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Dad is Dad. He will always be Dad.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45It took me 20 years to work that out.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I can't believe I almost forgot it for a second.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51If you want me, I will be at home with Kyle
0:27:51 > 0:27:54watching Crocodile Dundee!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00It looks like I blew it, eh?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01You so did.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06All I have left it seems is my work.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Thank goodness I still have my conkers.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd