0:00:22 > 0:00:24Susan! Victoria!
0:00:24 > 0:00:29I have just washed my face and hands and yet again I can't find any...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31towels.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Morning, Dad.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Morning, Gerald.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Can you please explain to me
0:00:36 > 0:00:40why women seem to be incapable of leaving a bathroom without
0:00:40 > 0:00:45first swathing themselves in every available towel?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47It's snuggly?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48It's anti-social, Victoria.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Towels are not garments,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54they weren't designed for wearing round the house.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56They are towels. They are for drying.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Their place is in the bathroom.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02You don't walk out of the kitchen with a frying pan on your head,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04do you?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08You've never felt the need to make a sarong out of the lounge room
0:01:08 > 0:01:10carpet and wear it in the garden.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- No.- No.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Cup of tea?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I can do you an egg, if you like.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'm seeing Mum later so I'm doing a bit of admin this morning.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Clearing the receipts off the fridge.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Exhibit A.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Er? It's like...a toilet roll?
0:01:26 > 0:01:33No, Victoria, it's an empty toilet roll, plus one sheet of toilet
0:01:33 > 0:01:39paper, which someone had artfully draped over it in order to
0:01:39 > 0:01:44avoid their clear moral responsibility to replace the roll.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Not cool. You were in there last.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I didn't finish it. There's a sheet left!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Technically you didn't finish it, Victoria.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57But in terms of natural justice, you are bang to rights.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh my God. This is like a witch hunt.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Luckily I spotted the shortage before fully committing myself...
0:02:05 > 0:02:09and was able to facilitate a late retraction.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Think I'll forget breakfast.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17But now I'm going to have to go at work, which I hate,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22because I find it difficult to function if there are other
0:02:22 > 0:02:26members of the lavatory-using community hovering about.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Dude. Same. I'm like, "stop hovering."
0:02:29 > 0:02:30"Go away."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's a question of personal space.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- MIMICS STREET PATOIS:- Speakin' troot to da yout, Big Man.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Stop agreeing with him, Vic. It's starting to worry me.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Dad, I found that receipt.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Receipt?- The receipt for that scarf.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50- The one you bought for Malika that got mixed up with Victoria's lingerie receipt.- So easily done.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51You should give it to her now.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They'll still have the scarf in the shop.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58The damage is done, Susan. Women do not forget.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02You accidentally give them one pair of your daughter's
0:03:02 > 0:03:07girlfriend's knickers for a birthday pressie...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09and they never let it go!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We should so take that receipt back to the shop
0:03:13 > 0:03:15and swap it for something decent for us.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- No way, Vic.- If Dad's ever going to get back in the game, he's going
0:03:19 > 0:03:20to need a little shove.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Morning, Gerald.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Morning, Clive.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Everything all right?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Yes. Quite all right, thank you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'm just waiting for you to go, that's all.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51You want me to go?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Yes. So that I can go.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You want me to go so you can go?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That's right. I can't go unless you've gone.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59But I've been.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I know you've been, Clive.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02And now I want you to go.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You want me to go even though I've been?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Obviously.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Is it a sympathy thing?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08What?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10You can't go unless someone else goes too.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Like the sound of running water makes people want to tinkle.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It's very simple.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19You've been and I haven't and I can't go until you've gone.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20But I keep telling you, I've been.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I know you've been Clive, now go!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I can't! You can't make me!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Clive. I just want you to leave!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Oh, leave. I thought you wanted me to go.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Go. Leave. We're quibbling over semantics, Clive.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well, I'll see you at morning conference then...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42after you've been.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Exactly.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46After you've gone.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Is it occupied or is it jammed?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Occupied!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Got a sore throat there, Gerald?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You take your time, mate.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I've got the crossword.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13HE WHISTLES
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Gerald and Bernard are late.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Here's Gerald now.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30He's called a spontaneous fire practise.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32FIRE ALARM RINGS
0:05:34 > 0:05:37See you down there, Gerald.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53This is absurd. Absurd is this.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Very important man am I. How long wait must we?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The Chief Officer of Health and Safety will end the drill
0:05:59 > 0:06:00when we are all here, Mr Mayor.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02But all here are we.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Well, I hope he hurries up.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I can't stand standing about in the cold.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I think I'm getting a little tickle.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Really, Mrs Maha? Allow me to offer a tissue.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15A tissue, to offer, me allow.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Ever the gentleman, eh, Mr Mayor?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Look after yourself must you, Mrs Maha.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Four weeks only till Ballroom Night and we don't want you
0:06:24 > 0:06:27bothered being by a little tickle while you rumba.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Well, a girl can only hope!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Notional conflagration brought under hypothetical control.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40No-one theoretically incinerated?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Good, good. Carry on.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48No brekkie, babes?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No thanks, I'm meeting mum for brunch.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Going to have another go at her about Kyle.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You do know that the more you hate on her boyfriend,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56the more she's going to want him.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I can't stand by and let her get played by this loser, Vic.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00I'm just saying.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You are now trying simultaneously to hook up your dad
0:07:03 > 0:07:04and bust up your mum.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I personally would get horribly confused.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09The lying swine!
0:07:09 > 0:07:10What?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12That bloke I sacked, Gary. Remember?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14He plumbed the care home hot water into the loos.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Sorry, Babes, I kind of zone out when you're on the pipey,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19spannery stuff.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22He's taking me to a tribunal.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Erm... Is that a bad thing?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I know my job, Mr Wright.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32I supply the rolls but some damn vagabond keeps stealin' them.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You must be vigilant, Mrs Johnson. Keep your eyes peeled.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I'll be watching.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41And when I find the swine, I'll know where to stick my toilet brush.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51HUMMING
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I can't afford a compensation order. This could bankrupt me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Sue.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04If you've got problems and you're feeling down,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06there's only one thing you can do.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08We can't have ice cream for breakfast.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Don't let da Babylon mek da rules, Babe.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16We need Funky Fudgey Monkey.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'll give it five seconds in the microwave.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19WE need it?!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You're not the only one with work issues, babe.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23You haven't got any work.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Which - hello! - would be the issue!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Four more seconds.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33My career's a joke. I'm a laughing stock.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Don't be stupid? Who's laughing at you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Well, some mean girls from school for a start.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39MICROWAVE PINGS
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Mean girls?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Three more seconds...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46They used to bully me for being into chicks
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and now they've started again.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Trolling me on the net, calling me DJ No Gigs.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Which is fair, but still hurtful.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Two more seconds...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Babes, that's awful, I didn't know.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Well, you've got enough to worry about with...
0:09:01 > 0:09:06well, whatever it is you do when you go off in your dungarees.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07One more second and...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10MICROWAVE PINGS
0:09:10 > 0:09:12..grab a couple of spoons!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh my God.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Monkey meltdown.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I can't even soften ice cream!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, a milkshake's more breakfasty, anyway.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We can dip in a banana and pretend it's a smoothie.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30One of our five a day.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37There can be no doubt about it that somewhere in this building
0:09:37 > 0:09:43there lurks the kind of anti-social low life who is prepared to
0:09:43 > 0:09:48leave his own comrades waddling about with their trousers
0:09:48 > 0:09:54round their ankles, trying to weigh up the relative absorbent
0:09:54 > 0:09:59qualities of Heat Magazine or a Twix wrapper.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Is he in Accounts? Parks?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Libraries? Roads?
0:10:08 > 0:10:15Possibly even, we must concede, here amongst our own.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17There's plenty in the ladies.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Perhaps there's an innocent explanation.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I hate to think ill of people.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24An innocent explanation, Clive?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27These rolls are disappearing three or four at a time.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31What do you think we're dealing with here?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33A sumo wrestler with gastroenteritis?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Well, Councillor Cochrane is a blind gentleman, isn't he?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Ye-es?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And his guide dog's a golden retriever.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Beautiful dog. Lovely coat.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I hate dogs.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Why are we discussing Councillor Cochrane's golden retriever?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, I was just wondering if, when it was younger,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56it might have been the Andrex puppy...
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I mean after all, the Andrex puppy had to grow up.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04That's right, Gerald. Hello? Five minutes over.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08No more living the dream. Time to face reality. Retrain.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Get a proper job.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12But the old skills never left him.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It'd be like a craving, wouldn't it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Years of being rewarded every time you run off with a loo roll.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You'd want that buzz again.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Any dog would.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Do you think you should perhaps speak to
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Councillor Cochrane, Gerald?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, Clive(!)
0:11:26 > 0:11:31I'll just march up to Baselricky's only blind elected official
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and accuse his guide dog of being the Andrex puppy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's probably harassment.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I'd be sent on a course.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Now let us put these distressing thoughts aside
0:11:48 > 0:11:52and get on with the business of protecting the public.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So, order of business. Clive, speak to me.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Well, Gerald, we have a request from Mandela Primary to install
0:11:58 > 0:12:00a swing in their playground.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02A swing? In a playground?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Tell 'em they're dreaming.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Malika, we mustn't leap to judgement.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Yes, a swing is a lethal weapon.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17An instrument it seems to me, designed almost deliberately
0:12:17 > 0:12:22to deliver planks of wood at speed into the faces of small children.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26But let us not forget,
0:12:26 > 0:12:33swings can also be used for recreational purposes.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37So I suggest we indicate that a swing licence may be
0:12:37 > 0:12:43forthcoming if the school can provide training, round
0:12:43 > 0:12:49the clock supervision, a rubberised surface, a soft-edged seat in case
0:12:49 > 0:12:51a child gets it in the face
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and reinforced chains
0:12:55 > 0:12:57for obese pupils.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Point of order, Gerald.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02What if someone gets an obese pupil in the face?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Good point, they will also have to be padded.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09But surely they're already padded, aren't they? Being obese?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13That's right - it's the skinny, pointy ones that do the damage.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Clearly this is a complex issue
0:13:16 > 0:13:22and to make any kind of informed decision we're going to need data.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28Targeted Observation of Tension and Altitude levels, acronymically
0:13:30 > 0:13:35T-O-T-A-L,
0:13:35 > 0:13:40creating A Tabulated Ongoing Swing Study.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42a T-O-S-S,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Pertaining Operational Testing.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57P-O-T.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03So what you are looking at here, Team Health and Safety,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06is a Total Toss Pot.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So, this is cool bananas!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Didn't think you'd be joining us, Kyle.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Not busy at the gym, feeling the burn and ironing your pump?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24If the K Man wants to take time out to chill with his ho,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26then bring it on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm his ho.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Might take the whole day off.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Maybe give my lady a slo-o-ow massage.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Such strong thumbs.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40It must be lovely to feel so unencumbered, Kyle.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You should try it, babe. You're always so grim.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Worrying about your little business. Sell up! Walk away!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51You're young, you're sizzling hot. Get a life!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Freshen up your Brazilian and go surfing in Bali,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58we could all meet up in Padang Bai.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Padang Bai.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Some of us have got financial responsibilities, Kyle.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Money's about opportunities, Babe.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07You need to get out of your own way.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Right, 18 toilet rolls and I'm going to put them
0:15:16 > 0:15:19in the bathroom cupboard so there's no excuse for not replacing any,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21mentioning no names, Victoria.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I didn't finish it! Oh, my God.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30I'll take one of those to keep with me at work, Susan.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31You won't believe this
0:15:31 > 0:15:35but someone's nicking the paper out of the gents loo.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Oh, that is low.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42I may have to install a secure dispensing system.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Not one of those great big roundy drums with a massive huge
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- roll inside!- I hate those.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49You can never find the end.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I know, you have to tease it out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Like, "walk the roll."
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Can't find the end.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Just walk the roll.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Can't find the end.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- Walk the roll.- Can't find the end.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Of course you can find the end.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You just stick your hand in and feel about a bit.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Stick your hand in. - Feel about a bit.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Stick your hand in. - Feel about a bit.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Girls!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Municipal hygiene is not a subject for levity.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Morning good, Mr Wright. Well all with you, trust I?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Well very, Mr Mayor, well very, I think
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I'm finally getting the better of this push-button tap at last.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Enjoying the challenge. In fact, I'm finding it rather exciting.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yes, so seems it would, Mr Wright.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Mr Wright, informed am I that someone is the rolls toilet stealing.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17Wonder do I how the miscreant out sneaking them unnoticed is!
0:17:18 > 0:17:24Mr Wright, have you in your trousers a rolls toilet got?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Thief! Thief are you!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36To me give it. To me give it!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Cleaner in the toilet, gents! Mr Wright!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Mr Mayor. What you doing?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43A roll toilet stolen has he, Johnson Mrs.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47It's mine, Johnson Mrs. I brought it in.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Look, you can compare the brands if you want.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'll take your word for it.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'll be keeping my eye on you, Mr Wright!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Me and the toilet brush.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03So, combined weight of Bernard and Clive?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05175 kilograms.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Which, according to Home Office guidelines, accurately
0:18:08 > 0:18:13reflects the projected weight of an average 11-year-old by 2020.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Malika, give our average 11-year-old a push.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- The chains seems to be holding, Gerald.- Excellent.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28What if the child's playing sitty kissy on the swingy?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31You chuck a bucket of water over them.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38No, Malika. Kids do play sitty kissy on the swingy. So,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I'm 78 kg, plus hard hat and fluoros,
0:18:42 > 0:18:49representing the weight of a slim ten-year-old girl circa 2020.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54So...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56let's play sitty kissy on the swingy.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Are we doing the kissy bit?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Because I'd really rather not.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09No, Clive, we are not doing the kissy bit.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11You always say, Gerald, that crash testing must fully reflect
0:19:11 > 0:19:14the real world case study it purports to represent.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15I don't agree.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I don't want to do the kissy bit.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24All right, look, we'll do it hands in front of mouths.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Malika. Give us a push.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36The structure seems to be holding, Gerald, despite the pendulous orgy!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Enter the results on the Total Toss Pot...
0:19:42 > 0:19:48Let us move on to the dangers to satellite children from flying
0:19:48 > 0:19:49swings.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Bernard, don the full face protective visor.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- What?- Put the bucket on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Right you are, Gerald.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Right.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07At five feet from the forward swing base,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10is he safe?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Clive. Swing the swing.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Not safe.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24This'd make quite a good drinking game.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Right let's try six feet.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Clive, swing it again.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Give it a real push and...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Watch out for swing back!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Nose bleed! Nose bleed! I need a tissue!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Use my toilet roll.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48My God, Gerald. You're the thief!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Bit awkward, Gerald.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53For Heaven's sake, Team Health and Safety, I brought it from home.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Compare the brand!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Just to establish your innocence, Gerald.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's still bleeding, I need more than that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I blame myself. He should have been wearing a bucket.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Quick, Gerald! Steal another roll.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Wright Mr, thief are you! Thought I much as!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22To me give it! To me give it!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Mr Wright! What you doing!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Mrs Johnson, I have a man down and I need tissues.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Well, that's your business, Mr Wright,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33but you can't keep using my toilet rolls.
0:21:37 > 0:21:43This thief has created an atmosphere of paranoid suspicion which is
0:21:43 > 0:21:48poisoning our happy working environment.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I have therefore actioned this day,
0:21:51 > 0:21:57a purchase order for a new secure toilet roll dispenser.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00It's not one of those huge drums with the big round roll inside,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02is it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I hate those, you can never find the end.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08For heaven's sake, what is the matter with people?!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11You just stick your hand up and feel about a bit.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm not so sure, Gerald. They've got one at the Frog and Ferret and even if you do
0:22:14 > 0:22:17find the end, you can't tease it round because the roll's too heavy.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You end up tearing off a little thumb-sized bit,
0:22:20 > 0:22:21which just isn't adequate, is it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Unless you're Kylie Minogue.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26One night I reached in so far I got my arm
0:22:26 > 0:22:28stuck against the serrated edge.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I was trapped for an hour.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I missed two games of bar billiards and someone ate all my crisps.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Team Health and Safety, please!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I do hope that as council officers charged with the well-being of the
0:22:41 > 0:22:47community, we are capable of working a simple toilet roll dispenser.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50A word please, Mr Wright. Mr Wright, please. A word.
0:22:50 > 0:22:56First, do I find you with a roll toilet hand in and your trousers down.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Now do I discover a purchase request pertaining - apropos
0:22:59 > 0:23:03and vis a vis - big roundy secure roll dispenser,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05gents toilet for the use of?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Yes, Mr Mayor, I'm having one installed to thwart this
0:23:09 > 0:23:11thief once and for all.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16The thief thwart it may, Mr Wright, but thwart may me also.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19How am I the rolls toilet to remove?
0:23:19 > 0:23:24How are you the rolls toilet to remove, Mayor Mr?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Yes. As is my right, as hard working underpaid politician.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Paper, Mr Wright!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Entitled am I by statute to use unlimited of council paper.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39But that means stationery, Mr Mayor, for use in admin and correspondence.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You think not for use home lavatory in personal
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and flogging in pub local for 20p a roll?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48No, Mr Mayor. Think I do not.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Oh! Well, in that case, does anyone have any receipts they don't want?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53About am I to file my expenses.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I've got one for a family bag of Revels, Mr Mayor.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Excellent, expenses paid for must be by the public
0:24:01 > 0:24:04for bags of Revels essential.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Oh, and, erm...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Cha cha cha, Mrs Maha.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Cha cha cha!
0:24:15 > 0:24:21How extraordinary, team, that a politician was helping himself
0:24:21 > 0:24:23and he didn't even think he was stealing.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Who'd have thought it?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Any news on the Malika front then, Dad?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37News? What news would there be, Susan?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I was wondering if she'd mentioned her birthday present again.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, I'm glad to say she hasn't.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45That excruciating incident is closed.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Your mother can make a fool of herself with feckless
0:24:49 > 0:24:55Antipodeans if she wants to, but I am officially off the market.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Well, we'll see, eh?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Bathroom's free, Gerald. Nice dry towel. Plenty of paper.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Party in da loo!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Thank you, Victoria, but I will not be going this morning,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I'm saving myself.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Saving yourself?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15We are installing our new toilet roll dispenser today on which
0:25:15 > 0:25:20certain aspersions have been cast, not least by you girls.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Stick your hand in. - Feel about a bit.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Stick your hand in.- Feel about a bit.- Stick your hand in.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Girls!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29As Chief Executive Officer, Health and Safety, it is
0:25:29 > 0:25:36my responsibility to see that it is fully tested in the field.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37In a field. That is gross, Gerald.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's an expression, Vic. He means in a toilet.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Still gross.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50I have therefore breakfasted lightly and am holding myself in readiness.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I shall give you a full report this evening.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Or...maybe don't?!
0:25:59 > 0:26:03You young people never cease to astonish me.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07You spend hours on end gossiping on the net,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11but when it comes to a genuinely interesting subject
0:26:11 > 0:26:17like Municipal Hygiene Supply Strategies, you're not interested.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27As you can see, cheerfully jingly restrainers prevent deadly
0:26:27 > 0:26:31swing back and lethal swing forward,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35so that both rider and pusher...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38can recreate happily without risk.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46CHILDREN BOO
0:26:50 > 0:26:51They'll thank us
0:26:51 > 0:26:54when they survive their childhood with all their front teeth.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Never mind those kids. Do you notice anything?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Goodness, Malika, isn't that the..?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01My birthday present.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Your daughter found the proper receipt and sent it to me.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I love it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Well! Happy birthday.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Perhaps you'd like to buy me a belated birthday drink.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13What are you doing after work?
0:27:13 > 0:27:19Well, I will need to ensure that the new toilet roll dispenser is
0:27:19 > 0:27:23properly and safely installed, but then I could be all yours.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Ooh. Promises, promises.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Cleaner in the toilet!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Mr Wright!
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Yes Mrs Johnson?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23It's one thing stealin' the loo roll, but you could have left me
0:28:23 > 0:28:25my lovely new dispenser.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I can explain, Mrs Johnson.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33In the meantime, would you oblige me with a tug?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd