0:00:22 > 0:00:28Mr Wright, before, apropos and vis-a-vis your demonstration safety,
0:00:28 > 0:00:33introduce, allow me to, Cheryl, my assistant personal, new.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Assistant personal, Mr Mayor? Blimey, that's posh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I'm an IVP, Mr Wright.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42An Important Very Person.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And Important Very People have assistants personal.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Do I know you, Cheryl? I'm sure we've met.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Doubt it... Maybe... Whatever.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I've met you, though. You're the queue nutter.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Actually, Cheryl, on the previous occasions we met,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I held the moral high ground.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06But I really think you might put the unpleasantness behind you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Not the first time you've heard that, I'll bet!- I beg your pardon?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Inappropriate. I've read the leaflet.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Don't forget our dance practice tomorrow lunchtime, Mr Mayor.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Yes, well...- Cha-cha-cha.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Please proceed, Mr Wright. Wright, Mr, proceed. Please.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27Pleasure with, Mr Mayor. Pleasure with. Witness Citizen A.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32A hypothetical member of our pavement-using community.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Malika, if you will.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40As you can see,
0:01:40 > 0:01:46Citizen A perambulates our notional pavement without mishap.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Let us consider Citizen B. Clive, if you will.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Don't neglect to check for any hardened
0:01:55 > 0:01:59or lumpy protrusions in your trousers.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Actually, I do have a lumpy protrusion in my trousers.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10I ensure that all our officers carry a Maglite torch, Mr Mayor.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12The Health and Safety Officer's friend.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15In your own time, Clive.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18HE HUMS
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh, no! I've tripped!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Argh!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Citizen down! Citizen down!
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Close the road!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Chopper in paramedics!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Offer counselling,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32announce an inquiry.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37No, no, please, don't be alarmed.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42This is actually a secure demonstration.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46An Assessment Risk-Safe Enactment.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Acronymically,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53an A-R-S-E.
0:02:55 > 0:03:01For Heightened Observation of Levels of Endangerment.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07H-O-L-E.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11So what you're looking at here is an ARSE-HOLE.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Let us analyse the contents of my arsehole.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24What, we ask, is the essential difference between Citizen A,
0:03:24 > 0:03:29who perambulates our notional pavement in perfect safety,
0:03:29 > 0:03:35and Citizen B, who fell into conjectural heavy traffic
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and is now being hypothetically airlifted
0:03:39 > 0:03:42to a speculative spinal unit?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Citizen B, an idiot is?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Shoelaces!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Citizen A has them securely tied.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Citizen B has them trailing.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Conclusion - shoelaces can kill.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02All shoelaces sold in Baselricky
0:04:02 > 0:04:06should carry a clear safety warning.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Plus, we urgently action
0:04:08 > 0:04:12a district-wide shoelace awareness campaign,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17urging the public to 'Get Knotted!'
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Team, with me!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22ALL: Why don't you all get knotted?!
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Ludicrous! Warning signs, shoe laces on!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I will sanction no such ordinance!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32No such ordinance sanction, will I.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Along, Cheryl, come.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You're nutters.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Don't forget our dance rehearsal, Mr Mayor.- Ah.- Tomorrow lunchtime.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'm bringing in my frock.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44- Cha-cha-cha!- Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:04:48 > 0:04:51CHACHACHA MUSIC
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And ball change...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58No! Switch your feet!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Oh, do the twirl!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Well done, girls!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I reckon, if we keep at it,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09you're going to be fine at the Big Ballroom Night.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Have you told your dad yet?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13No, not yet, it's going to be a surprise.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'm seeing it as totally a good rehearsal for our bridal dance,
0:05:16 > 0:05:17if we ever get married.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- We've been together nearly a year now, you know, Mum!- Aw!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22A whole year since I first saw you.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Lying there, staring up at me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26From under your mum's toilet.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28With a ballcock in your hand.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's sort of ironic, really.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Yeah, well, you two, just keep practising, eh?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36You've only got two weeks.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I'd better be off now, though, I don't want your dad to catch me.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Rushing back to Kyle, eh?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Yes, I am, Sue.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44We're going to have a couple of hours of Tantric,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47before Call The Midwife.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Ta-ra, Vic!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You know we're totally going to need
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- spangly dresses for this dance, don't you?- I suppose.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I don't know how we're going to afford them.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Are we seriously broke, babes?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00We will be, if I get fined at this personal injury tribunal.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Unless I get a DJ gig. - Yeah. Absolutely.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Of course.- You see! Even YOU don't believe in me any more!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You're just like those mean girls
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I went to school with who are trolling me.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Don't say that! Of course I believe in you, babe.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16You'll make your fortune in the end.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20It's just until then, we have to adopt a budget, that's all.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Really? That sounds a bit weird.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Are you sure that will help?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27We have to adopt a budget and be really, really strict with it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Sozzers, I just don't think that's going to work.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I had one when I was a kid and they respond to kindness.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Also, seeds and nuts.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38A budget, Vic, not a budgie!
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Oh!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Gerald, could I have moment? It's just...
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I'll be bringing my Yvonne to the Ballroom Night, as usual,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52and I was wondering if you'd mind giving me a few dance tips?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54My Yvonne says she wishes I danced like you do.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Well, I don't really dance any more, Clive,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00but I suppose I could give you a tip or two.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02How about we give it a go tomorrow lunchtime?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06That'd be brilliant. My Yvonne will be ever so grateful.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09She says if I ever went on Strictly, Craig Revel Horwood
0:07:09 > 0:07:11would pull me straight off.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I really do not get economics.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19In fact, I don't believe anybody does.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Just because you don't get something, Vic,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23doesn't mean nobody else does.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25But they so obviously don't, though.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Like on the news, when there's been a crash
0:07:27 > 0:07:31and they're calling it 'Black Monday' or 'Crap Tuesday'
0:07:31 > 0:07:34or 'Oh-mah-Gawd Wednesday'
0:07:34 > 0:07:37and they're saying they've lost ten trillion pounds.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42- Yeah?- Has anything actually happened, question mark?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46What do you mean? They've lost ten trillion pounds.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48No, I mean...anything, actually.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Like, has all the yummy food disappeared from M&S,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54or has TK Maxx, like, totally evaporated?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Or have all the fields and factories
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- disappeared into a parallel universe?- No...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00No! Boom! Your face!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Nothing has actually happened, and yet somehow, overnight,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09they've managed to lose ten trillion pounds.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12How do you lose ten trillion pounds?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Well, they.... - Are they thinking back on their day?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Have they checked behind the back of the couch?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22It wasn't actually ten trillion pounds, Vic. Not like in coins.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's a notional value based on share confidence.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27There was never any real physical money.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Then why do they care if they've lost it?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Well, because...- And if they made it up in the first place,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35why don't they just make up some more?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Well, they DO, as it happens. It's called quantitative easing.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Which, oh-mah-Gawd, totally sounds like a laxative.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Look, the value of things
0:08:44 > 0:08:46isn't based on what they actually are, Vic,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49but on how traders and bankers feel about them.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Well, why don't they just ask more cheerful people?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I'd do it. I'd say, "Oh-mah-Gawd, everthing's amazing!'"
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Vic, it's complicated.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You don't get it either.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I do. Sort of.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04At least I know it's got nothing to do with budgies.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Evening, girls.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And since you ask, no, I did not have a good day.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14The Mayor dismissed me out of hand.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19- Not your shoelace campaign? - He knocked back Get Knotted?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It really is disheartening.
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Every day, year in, year out, I'm in that office, beavering away.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29You wish!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Vic, beavering doesn't mean what you think it means in this context.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Oh! Sozzers.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41And yet I'm no closer to my dream than on the first day
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I put on a hard hat and fluoros.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Your own safety warning?
0:09:45 > 0:09:51Yes, Sue. The Health and Safety Officer's Holy Grail.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55My own personally-authored safety warning.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Printed out and stuck to a product.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I want to make my mark,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07like the bloke who put 'contains bleach'
0:10:07 > 0:10:09on the bleach bottles.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Or - 'Warning! Concealed sharp objects' on Swiss army knives.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Those men were heroes!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Visionaries!
0:10:23 > 0:10:28They identified a previously un-labelled risk
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and they labelled it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33You'll get there in the end, Dad.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36We keepin' da faith, big man!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Thank you, girls. It means a lot to me.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44But I shouldn't be banging on about my troubles, with the problems
0:10:44 > 0:10:47you're having with your plumbing business, Susan.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51You didn't tell me you had problems with your plumbing business!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I'll pick up some cranberry juice and yoghurt.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- He's talking about me being taken to a tribunal, Vic.- Oh!
0:10:58 > 0:11:03And I hope you know how proud I am of you, Sue.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07And whatever happens, there'll always be a room
0:11:07 > 0:11:13and a Mini Magnum here for you and Victoria as long as you need it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Boom! Fulljoy! You big man ting, innit!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You make me breathe easy now, wit yah crawful mad sick swagger!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Meaning, Victoria?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Thanks, heaps. You're so sweet.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Well, I'm being selfish, really.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It's lovely to have you girls around.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm not quite ready to live on my own yet, I'm afraid.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34You miss Mum a lot, don't you, Dad?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Every day, Susan.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42You don't just walk away from a 23-year marriage.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44She did.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Vic!- Just saying.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Walked away with a younger, fitter man.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59And as if to rub salt into the open wound of
0:11:59 > 0:12:03my encroaching middle age, the NHS say
0:12:03 > 0:12:05they want to check my prostate.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10So now I've got to be digitally probed by a complete stranger
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- in a public facility. - I know a couple of guys
0:12:13 > 0:12:16who'd say that was the perfect night out.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Well, different strokes for different folks, eh?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yeah. I think that's the attraction.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And forward...and back...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and turn... Very good, Clive!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Now, the clasp is all about passion.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39The gentleman pulls the lady towards him.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41So you want me to pull you towards me?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44That's right, Clive, lead with your hips,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49groin and grind, groin and grind.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Can you feel the passion, Clive?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Groin and grind.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Can you feel it in your body? - Yes, Gerald.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Actually, I CAN feel it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03In fact, I think we'd better stop now.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Clive, that's my torch!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oh.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Blimey, Malika!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Dance practice with the Mayor?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21You look lovely.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Tell me something I don't know, big boy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28And rehearsing in full rig?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Really going the extra mile for the big Ballroom Night.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Well, with you and Valerie out of the way, it's bound to be our year.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36HE HUMS
0:13:38 > 0:13:40HE CHUCKLES
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Ready for our dance rehearsal, Mr Mayor?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Yes, well... Busy, rather, am I...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Perhaps another, erm...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Come on, Len! If I'm going to get you up to county standard,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52you'll have to pull your finger out.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, hello.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What's going on here?!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Gawd, help us! It's a boob-off!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Where's my clever phone when I need it?!
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I know who you are!
0:14:03 > 0:14:08You're Cha Cha Cheryl, South East Essex Cha Cha Champ!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Four years straight. You got a problem?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14No, you have, love. He's MY partner.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16That's not what he says. Is it, Len?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Len!- Yes, well...
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Along, come, Cheryl. Rehearse, must we.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Cha cha cha!
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Ooh! Well done, girls, I'm really pleased!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42But I'd better be off now,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I don't want to bump into Gerald and give the game away.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47He's going to be late. He texted me to say
0:14:47 > 0:14:49he's having coffee with a woman after work.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- It wouldn't be Malika, would it, by any chance?- What if it was?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I always thought he fancied her at the big Ballroom Nights.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He always kept trying to press her to a cheesy nibble.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I do know he admired her mambos.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- It certainly wasn't her dancing! - Ouch! Boom!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Give that bitch a saucer of milk!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Pot of tea for two.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- You see, Malika?- I do see, Gerald.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Is there anything wrong, sir?
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Yes, Miss. That tea pot is made entirely of metal.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Metal is an efficient conductor of heat.- And tea is hot.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31- Do you see where we're going here? - Can I get you anything else?- Yes!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You can get me a bandage and some Savlon for when
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I lose all the skin on my hand, trying to pour myself a cuppa.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Another danger in need of a warning.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47You see! The cup-avoiding spout.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51When the pot is tilted, the tea goes straight down the side
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- and all over the table. - They have them in service stations.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56The entire motorway system is awash with tea.
0:15:56 > 0:16:02They can do keyhole surgery on the ventricles of the heart via
0:16:02 > 0:16:05microscopic incisions made in the belly button,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09but they cannot get the tea from the pot into the cup.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And now it's dripping all over the floor.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14A simple spillage is turning into a trip hazard!
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Textbook! We are one missed step away from spinal injuries.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Stand back, everybody! We have a spillage.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- Miss, where are your yellow markers? - What?- To secure the area.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Every business where liquids are deployed
0:16:30 > 0:16:34is required by statute to carry yellow collapsible trestles
0:16:34 > 0:16:38depicting a man falling over in a triangle. Where are yours?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I thought they only had them in supermarket aisles.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Yes, because that would make sense, wouldn't it?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Because a broken neck is so much more serious in a supermarket aisle
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- than it is when you're having a coffee!- Ooh!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Where are your yellow markers, depicting a man falling over in a triangle?!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I don't know! I'll just mop it up, shall I?
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Just mop it up?! Just mop it up?!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And while you're just mopping up an area of wet floor
0:17:03 > 0:17:08which you have failed to secure with yellow markers, depicting a man
0:17:08 > 0:17:12falling over in a triangle, a small child,
0:17:12 > 0:17:18a granny, or a member of our specially sighted community slips,
0:17:18 > 0:17:24bounces over the cash till, and is decapitated on the bacon slicer!
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- I never thought! - No, people never do, Miss.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Fortunately for you, the council is here to do your thinking for you.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Mop?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42The area is now secured, Miss,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44you may proceed to mop with caution.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- I want a hat!- Oh, give it 'ere!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I must say, Malika, the way we're dealing with this emergency
0:17:53 > 0:17:56could be recorded for a training film.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58We make a terrific team.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02That's why I suggested we have this coffee, actually.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Because we work so well together. In unison. Synchronised.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Almost like...- Dancers.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- I want you for the ballroom night! - MAN CRIES OUT
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You see?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:20A member of the specially sighted community has slipped on the spillage
0:18:20 > 0:18:23caused by an inadequate spout.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26No, he didn't, he tripped over YOUR triangle!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30So we'll rehearse tomorrow evening, then?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Or we could start right now, big boy.- Pardon?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Ooh, Gerald. I must say...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39you've still got the passion.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Yes, Malika, I do have the passion.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Although, for the record...
0:18:46 > 0:18:49..that's my Maglite.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Girls, I've got news!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I'm going to dance at the Ballroom Night, after all!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01I'm taking Malika.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Way to go, big guy! Word is...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05that babe is HOT!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09This is all about dancing. Look...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I've bought myself a new dancing shirt!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Brilliant! Let's see it on, then!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Let's see it on! - All in good time, Susan.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22You will get...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24a full display.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Just let me get my metal detector.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Metal detector?!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Pins, Susan, pins!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37With new shirts,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41constant vigilance is required.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44No matter how many you take out,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48there's always one left
0:19:48 > 0:19:51to spear you in the nipple.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Believe me, I learned the hard way.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I was once impaled on a British Home Stores
0:19:58 > 0:20:02cotton and acrylic semi-formal sports casual.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Nasty business, led to a septic nipple.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Quick buzz with the detector.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19MACHINE BLEEPS
0:20:19 > 0:20:21All clear!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, this is beautiful!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I love a bit of faux satin.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34There's nothing like the feel of
0:20:34 > 0:20:40stretch-rayon-blend, double-knit fabric
0:20:40 > 0:20:45clinging to the contours of the navel.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Agh! Blimey! I missed one!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You had it set to "semi-precious", Dad.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Pins are made of steel.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- And now I've got blood on it! - Oh, it'll dry-clean.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04- There's that four-hour place by the Town Hall.- Hang on, though...
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Oh, my sainted blimey! This is it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14- What?- Don't you see? Pins, girls, pins!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17This is what I've been waiting for.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20An unidentified risk, in need of a warning!
0:21:22 > 0:21:27The Holy Grail has stabbed me in the nipple!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Let's see the Mayor say no to this one!
0:21:33 > 0:21:38The Mayor knocked back my new initiative. No nipple is safe.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42The man's a menace. Him and his slapper!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And look, the danger is everywhere.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48This cleaning ticket is attached with a concealed pin.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- And now I don't know what to do with it.- Give it 'ere.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56- Right. - MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Now, let's dance!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Me and Val always used to warm up with a two-step.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You're not dancing with her now, Gerald.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You're dancing with me, and I want to feel your torch!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh! Lovely, girls.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Let's have a glass of wine, that should loosen the Cha Chas.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Won't your dad be back soon?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25No. Guess what? He's rehearsing too.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Right now, with Malika.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They're going to dance at the Ballroom Night.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- But she dances with the Mayor! - The Mayor dumped her.- Really?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- I never knew he had that much taste! - Not jealous, are you, Mum?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Jealous?! Of course I'm not jealous! He's single now.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Mum, do you love Kyle?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Love him? Well, I certainly love being with him.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Do you think he loves you? - Well, he certainly says
0:22:53 > 0:22:54lots of sweet things...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Duh! Kyle's in love with a guy. - A guy called KYLE, Mum!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01And no-one will ever be able to compete with him.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Well, I have noticed that when we're...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06he does like to shout his own name.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"COME ON, KYLE!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We made a sex tape the other day.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- You never?!- Oh, don't worry, love. I'm not in it!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He made me hold the camera.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And...one, two, three.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28One, two, three...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Now, at this point, with Valerie... - Gerald,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33so far, you've told me how Valerie did the rhumba,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37the jive, the single swing, the Hustle and the Lindy!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Maybe you want to tell me what she used to wear as well?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Well, normally, she used to wear a glitter knit,
0:23:42 > 0:23:47- but sometimes, a Solid Slinky... - Gerald...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I want to ask you something. Why did you buy me that scarf
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- for my birthday?- Well, um...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Because I thought it would be nice...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Do you want to know why I think you bought it?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- And why you agreed to dance with me when I asked you?- Why?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Because you're trying to find a way to get over Valerie.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- No, really... - Because you still love her!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- No, Malika, honestly...- You do! And I know these things
0:24:09 > 0:24:11because I'm a very spiritual person!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I was once a handmaiden to the goddess Lakshmi.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You still love her and you don't want to dance with anyone but her.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And do you know what? I don't think you should dance with anyone else.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Really?- Because when you danced with Valerie, you were poetry in motion.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27And when you dance with me, to be frank, you're crap.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- Oh.- It's just not going to work out, Gerald.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I can't dance with a man who's dancing with another woman
0:24:33 > 0:24:35while he's dancing with me!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Good day, Dad? - Not really, as it happens.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The Mayor's called a disciplinary meeting for tomorrow morning.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Malika's dropped me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52And what's more, I have just tripped over a highly dangerous curb outside
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and my Maglite's gone down the drain!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- I've lost my torch. - Malika's dropped you? Why?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Because I'm not over Valerie, and she knew it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Boom! Westside! I is one mad sick girl!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- What?- Me got me Bashy Bashment!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Me be chatty-chatty wit da yute an' they say, come soon,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15mash up mi' dub an' mak some fierce noize!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Kill mi' dead! I is likky-likky for it!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- You've got a gig at the local youth club?!- Yes!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22How did you know that?!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Shoelaces, dangerous!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Pins, lethal concealed!
0:25:28 > 0:25:32This department, a stock laughing is becoming.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Notice, give I, Mr Wright!
0:25:34 > 0:25:39No more ludicrous, spurious so-called initiatives safety
0:25:39 > 0:25:43tolerate, will I! That is all! And all, is that!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46That's a nice shirt you're wearing, Mr Mayor.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I chose it. It's his new dance shirt.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Always wear I new shirts in, Mrs Maha,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56to ensure movement sufficient in the arms, thereof.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Oh, look, there's a smut on your shirt. Let me....
0:26:00 > 0:26:03ARGH!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Nipple, mine!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Pain stabbing in nipple mine!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Ah! It's a pin!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I hope he's had a tetanus shot!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Even the tiniest prick can be dangerous!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18As the actress said to the Boy Scout!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Inappropriate, I know.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24THAT is a new shirt! You left a pin in there!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27You've been stabbed by a concealed sharp object!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Why weren't you WARNED?!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Point proven, I think, Mayor Mr.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41It seems shirts dangerous are, all after.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Hello? What are you two up to?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Well, we didn't want to tell you,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01but Mum's been giving me and Vic dancing lessons.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Me workin' mah foxy cha cha wit me bashy-bashy drop legs!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09We were going to surprise you by dancing at the Ballroom Night,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12but the thing is, since you haven't got a partner any more,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16we thought it'd be nice if I danced with you.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Only if you'd like.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, Susan, that would be...
0:27:21 > 0:27:25wonderful. I can't think of ANYTHING I'd like more.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32It's very sweet of you to lend me your partner, Victoria.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Well, I'm totes busy mixing my phat beats for my debut gig.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37So excited!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's Malika from work, Dad.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I had to rush round, Gerald! They've arrived!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I picked THIS one up on the High Street.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50'WARNING! THIS SHIRT MAY CONTAIN PINS.'
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Blimey!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58My own personally authored safety warning.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Look, girls! My dream came true.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And I owe it all to you, Malika.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Well, I told you I'd find somewhere
0:28:06 > 0:28:09to stick that dry-cleaning pin, didn't I?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Nobody dumps Mambos Malika Maha!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Thank you, thank you.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22This is... the greatest day of my career.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Come here, you!
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Ooh, Gerald, I can still feel that torch!
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd