0:00:21 > 0:00:24Are you bringing that girlfriend of yours to the Ballroom Night?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28No, Yvonne's not my girlfriend anymore, Malika.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Well, if I'm honest, you're well out of it.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Never liked her. Always hogged the fruit punch.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34We got engaged!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38The Mayor wants to know what you nutters are up to now!
0:00:38 > 0:00:43We are carrying out the first ever survey
0:00:43 > 0:00:47into the incidents of tripping on council-owned kerb stones.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Why have you blocked the pavement?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Because I'm standing on it and I require a work safe environment.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Why have you blocked the road? - Because we've blocked the pavement.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58You're nutters!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01A blocked pavement diverts pedestrians onto the road,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05thereby blocking it. We therefore need to block the road
0:01:05 > 0:01:09in order to prevent it being blocked by the blocked pavement
0:01:09 > 0:01:12which we've previously blocked, because I'm standing on it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's all explained on our website.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Have you got a partner for the Ballroom Night?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Not me, Malika. Lone wolf.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Fancy free. Hellooo, ladies!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I did try that internet dating, but...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27quite frankly, it's ruined by people putting up
0:01:27 > 0:01:28unrealistic profile pictures.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Yeah, it's ridiculous what some people try and get away with.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36I know! What was I thinking? I don't look anything like George Clooney!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Radio Baselricky want a statement about the inconvenience.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The Mayor told me to give them your mobile number.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And I shall be proud to share our good news with the public.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52South East Essex is ground zero for pavement-centric risk management.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Nutters!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58So, Team Health and Safety, let us analyse
0:01:58 > 0:02:02and codify the data collected today.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Urban Test Trip Environment Results.
0:02:07 > 0:02:13U-T-T-E-R.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20On Kerbs, Roads, Avenues and Pavements.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26So, Clive. Talk Utter Krap to me.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Well, Gerald, as you know, today we observed
0:02:29 > 0:02:33the kerb-negotiation abilities of 116 members
0:02:33 > 0:02:35of the pavement perambulating community.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Malika has the results, but I can't ask her for them.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Why is that, Clive?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Because I'm not speaking to her.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45She said my Yvonne hogs the punch at the Ballroom Night.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- She sucks it up like a Hoover! - Please!
0:02:47 > 0:02:52We do not bicker in our security laminates!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Malika. The survey.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00We've designated four levels of kerb negotiation, Gerald.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Perambulation without incident.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Momentary hesitation.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Slight stumble.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And the highest level of kerb-induced trauma - Trip.
0:03:11 > 0:03:19Good. Let us quantify the kerb negotiation levels numerically.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24"Trip" being the highest level, will, of course be, Level Four.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Trip should be Level One. - Malika.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Please.- Because one is high.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I think even the most basic acquaintance
0:03:31 > 0:03:34with the Arabic Decimal System, will tell us that
0:03:34 > 0:03:38four is a higher number than one.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42One is always highest! One is a far more important number than four!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43That's right, Gerald.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46When my Yvonne says to me, "Oooh, Clive, you are a one."
0:03:46 > 0:03:51She never says, "Oooh, you are a four."
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I thought you weren't talking to Malika.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I'm not talking to Malika, I'm talking to you about what Malika said.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And the reason why you're angry, Clive,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- is because you love your Yvonne, don't you?- Yes,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I'll say that to anyone. I love my Yvonne.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05- She's the one.- She is the one.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Not the four.- No, not the four.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Team, please!
0:04:10 > 0:04:15This is my scale and the highest level will be Level Four.
0:04:15 > 0:04:21So, Clive, results of today's survey.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Figures please, for the maximum level of kerb-induced trauma.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27The incidence of trips.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- Zero.- Thank you, Clive. Zero. No trips.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Stumbles?- Zero.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Momentary hesitation?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Zero.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And perambulation without incident?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45116.
0:04:45 > 0:04:52So, out of 116 members of the pavement perambulating community
0:04:52 > 0:04:59surveyed, 116 perambulated without incident.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So, what does this tell us?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04That the pavement perambulating community can perambulate a pavement?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Hello! I won't be able to say THAT by closing time!
0:05:07 > 0:05:13No, no, Bernard, it shows us that our campaign of kerb awareness
0:05:13 > 0:05:16is working! But we mustn't be complacent.
0:05:16 > 0:05:23As long as pavements continue to be edged with small precipices,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26the risk of tripping remains...
0:05:26 > 0:05:32We will continue to talk Utter Krap tomorrow.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37One, two, one, two... Oh!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You're getting worse, love! You had this right last week!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I'm sorry, Mum, I'm just stressed about this work tribunal!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You can't go giving up like that on big Ballroom Night.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- Your Dad'd be mortified.- Well, come round and help us practice!
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Oh, my God! I swear that cab driver TOTALLY took me via Cornwall!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I swear I'm a better driver than him and I've failed my test four times!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Once for reversing into my examiner.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Well, I hope you didn't give him a tip, Vic.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I gave him three.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Clean your seat covers. Get a Sat Nav.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12And Gargle some Listerine. Boom! His face!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I'm da Bangalang girl, shankin' him up wiv me witty riposts.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You shouldn't have been in a cab at all!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20We're supposed to be economising. You should have been on a bus!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I couldn't, Sue, too shaken.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Terrible incident in town. Nightmare.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- Seriously. I'm actually serious. - What happened, babes?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, I was in Oxfam, trying to find you a dress
0:06:31 > 0:06:35for when you dance with your dad at Ballroom Night and then suddenly...
0:06:35 > 0:06:40almost by magic... I was in M&S Food.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Vic! You know you can't go in there, you're just not strong enough!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I thought I could handle it! I thought I could just pop in there,
0:06:46 > 0:06:51have a perv... Maybe pick up a small plastic box of orange segments.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54But I got sucked into the vortex of desire!
0:06:54 > 0:07:00I couldn't move, I couldn't breath. I just wanted EVERYTHING!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And the only way out was via the booze and crisps.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Brilliant! Do you want a drink, Mum?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, sorry, love. My body is a temple.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm meeting Kyle at the gym later.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13All right, then, we'll see you later, then.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Look, if you're really worried about this dancing with Dad,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I will come round and help you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Tomorrow night. - Wow. Just you two and Gerald?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Won't that be really, really weird?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Evening, girls. I am GAGGING for a Horlicks.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Long day?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38As ever, Sue. But a privilege to serve.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43You know, sometimes I think a health and safety officer
0:07:43 > 0:07:45would make a good super hero.
0:07:45 > 0:07:51Batman. Spiderman. Councilman.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I mean, it's all very well these caped crusaders
0:07:55 > 0:07:58swinging about, protecting the public from danger,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01but wouldn't it be even MORE exciting,
0:08:01 > 0:08:06if the danger had been prevented in the first place?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09You still crave a bit of recognition, don't you, Dad?
0:08:09 > 0:08:14Not for my own sake, Susan, for the team and for the cause.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Actually, as it happens, it seems the media
0:08:18 > 0:08:21is finally taking notice of our efforts.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Radio Baselricky want me to do a telephone interview
0:08:25 > 0:08:27for their breakfast show.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Listen up now! Dis be DJ Jiggy Gerald comin' atcha
0:08:29 > 0:08:31wiv some fierce chatty chatty...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Bout da Helf an' da Safety for de yute an' stuff.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Boom!- Boom!- That's right, girls.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40It'll be nice to put my side of the story for once.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Dad, this is another letter from the NHS Trust.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Haven't you booked your prostate test yet?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- I'll get round to it. - You're not scared, are you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, don't be ridiculous! I shall face it like a man.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I don't think you can FACE a prostate test, Dad.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You have to sort of back into 'em.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Ring 'em now! The lines are open 24/7.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Right, I'm going to do it for you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Come on, it's important at your age.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10It just makes me feel a bit old, that's all.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14These are the milestones in a man's life.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Your first pair of long trousers. First drink. First car.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23First finger up the sphincter.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Well, I'd rather have my bum probed than what I've got to face.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28They've set the date for my tribunal.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Do you really think you'll have to pay compensation?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34If he was injured working for me, then it's only right.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38You know I'll be there to support you always, don't you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, you might not need to, Dad.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Vic's got her first DJ gig, remember? We might be rich soon.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- I might be a kept woman yet. - No, Susan. You'll always work.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Not if we ever had kids.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Perfectly possible these days.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Best pub game ever. Choose your dream donor.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm for Russell Brand, Ryan Gosling or Johnny Depp.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I want Ed Milliband.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Anyway, if I DO go bankrupt, then at least I've got time
0:10:05 > 0:10:10to practice our dance, Dad. Which I wanted to talk to you about.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Why don't we go through and sit soft?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I can't, Susan. I'm on hold.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Oh, my God!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17You're using a landline!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You're, like, totally tethered to the wall, exclamation mark!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Like a HORSE!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I do have a mobile, but the jury is still out
0:10:27 > 0:10:31on the harmful effects of constant use.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Of course, your generation would think a brain tumour
0:10:34 > 0:10:37a small price to pay for the ability to say, "Oh, my God"
0:10:37 > 0:10:42over and over again while walking down the high street!
0:10:42 > 0:10:47No, a wired landline with a decent length of flex
0:10:47 > 0:10:52combines adequate mobility with an easily locatable receiver.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It ain't broke, so don't fix it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I could totally not LIVE without my smart phone!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Do you know what I'd like, Victoria? A smart phone that was smart enough
0:11:02 > 0:11:05to get the business or service you're trying to contact
0:11:05 > 0:11:09to actually ANSWER the flipping thing! That's what phones are for!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Not to tweet or twat...
0:11:14 > 0:11:18..or play Angry Bird Black Ops.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22But to facilitate communication!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25And that's the one thing that phones don't do any more!
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Because the ENTIRE WORLD is now stuck on hold!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Look, if you want to stay on the line,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34there's an extension in the lounge room. Just run through
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- and pick it up in there!- No, Susan!
0:11:37 > 0:11:42First rule of the phone queue. Never move.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Don't eat, don't sleep, don't answer a call of nature.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48They wait, you see, lurking...
0:11:51 > 0:11:58..in their call centres in New Delhi and County Kildare,
0:11:58 > 0:12:04and when they hear you put the phone down, even for a second, they pounce!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- I'll leave a glass with you, then? - Thank you, Susan.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I'm totes worried about something, too, Sue. Like, totally.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What's that, babes?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I took an embarrassing selfie.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- An embarrassing rudie selfie. - How rude?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Well... My, ahem...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23fannoir.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Vic! You're not 16! Delete it!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I can't, it's out there! I tried to send it to you, Sue,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- and I accidently sent it to...Suki. - Your ex?- Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I knew I should never go out with someone with a similar name.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- I'm just not focussed enough. - Well, tell HER to delete it.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- I tried but her new girlfriend saw it and uploaded it.- No!- Yes!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46She's uploaded my fannoir! Which I THINK is harassment.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- And now she's put it on her Facebook!- Well, have you poked her?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Of course! I've poked her and I've poked her!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I've written messages on her wall saying,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Get my fannoir off your Facebook, you skank!"
0:12:57 > 0:13:00But, Vic, now everybody's going to know that it's yours!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Yeah, I know and now...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- I think it's gone viral. - Oh! It never!
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Yes! I have a viral fannoir! And it's out there!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Just in case you're wondering, they do know I'm waiting.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Which is a comfort of sorts. It makes the long hours,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19listening to Copacabana so much more pleasant.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Do you think it's unreasonable to ask, if they do know
0:13:22 > 0:13:27I'm waiting, why don't they ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE?!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Bit more wine, Dad? - Thank you, Susan, I will.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"For the purposes of security and training,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"my call may be recorded." SECURITY?
0:13:37 > 0:13:42I'm trying to book a rectal probe!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I don't CARE who knows! Tell the world!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49JUST ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Here we go.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Look, Bernard, I'll be frank.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Since my husband died, which I had nothing to do with, by the way,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02despite what was said at the time, I've kept myself to myself
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and I need a partner for the Ballroom Night.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh! Wow! Chuffed? Just a bit!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10He takes a major quaff of beer to recover composure!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Oh! Oh! Oh.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Fresh pint, forgot. Picked it up like it was an almost empty one.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Whoops! Beer flavoured T-shirt.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Won't want to sleep in that tonight!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- So, about the Ballroom Night. - Hello! Here we go!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- I need a partner. - For those about to rock!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- So, do you know anyone, then...? - I would be delight... What?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- You didn't think I meant you, did you?- No!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I'm not being cruel, Bernard, but that's just sad.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Dad, I wanted to have a word with you about the Ballroom Night.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I've asked Mum to come round and rehearse us.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- You won't find that weird, or.... - Not now, Susan! I'm through...!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51No, not through... Menu options... Got to focus...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54This is where it can all go so wrong.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58"If the enquiry is regarding an appointment, press one." Good.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Can do.... Press One...
0:15:00 > 0:15:03And... MORE options?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06"If it's for an existing appointment, press one.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"For a new appointment press two."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12They wrote to me about it! Does that make it existing or new?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Press new.- Was "new" one or two?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Press one.- Press one?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17I mean either. Press either.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20But which one? Come on! They'll time me out!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Either. Just press one!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Right. I'll press one... Two.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Made it in time, still in the game! Right!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33They want me to key in my NHS number.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- It'll be on the letter.- Of course, yeah. Where...? Oh, it's over here.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Watch out!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40No, it's not, it's over here.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Doesn't matter!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Dad! Found it, it's over here.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48On my way!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Oh, it's my smear test, sorry.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I know, I'll get my NHS card. Where is it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I think it's on the bureau.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Right, I should be able to get it.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Any more wine going?- No!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Oh, it's on the phone!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Mind the water!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08SHE SCREAMS
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Give me the letter!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12You hold this...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15With me, Victoria!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- With me, Victoria!- Oh, my God!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Come on!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Keying in my number!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Are we still connected?!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30- Yes!- Result!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- You're in another queue! - Still in the game!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Well, I can see some clear advantages
0:16:37 > 0:16:40for the mobile over the landline.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46And you're sure you don't mind me helping out with Gerald and Sue's dance rehearsal, Kyle?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Not a problem for me, babe.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's just that the Ballroom Night's always meant a lot to Gerald.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Why would I care?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I don't know.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57What's that crutch doing here? In a gym? Not a good look.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It's not yours, is it, love?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01No? Kidding!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Vic, stop it, it's late!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Oh, my God! Someone's set up a fan page now.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09A fan page for a fannoir!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I don't want to hear about it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It's already got 80,000 friends! It's a star!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Boom! Da's righ'! Rinse it out! Bangalang.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Me poonanny be da nex' big t'ing.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Vic, it's absolutely nothing to be proud of.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You're just jealous because no-one's following yours.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30JINGLE
0:17:30 > 0:17:33'Health Trust Appointments. You're through to Julie.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38'How may I help you?'
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I'm here! My leg's gone to sleep! Don't go away!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48'Hello? Health Trust Appointments. This is Julie.'
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Yeah, Julie, I'm here!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Please, don't hang up!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58DEAD LINE
0:18:04 > 0:18:07So, Bernard? Have you asked around to see if you know any dancers?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It's not really my crowd, if I'm honest, Malika.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- I need a dance partner.- But you only danced with the Mayor once a year. Haven't you got a regular partner?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Well, I did. But he died. - Oh, you mean your hubby?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19No. Not him.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22So your husband died and your dance partner died.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Can't say I miss either of them!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Morning, Team Health and Safety.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Well done, carry on. So...
0:18:34 > 0:18:38UTTER KRAP. Clive, speak to me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Well, Gerald, we've been looking into painting warning signs on the pavements -
0:18:42 > 0:18:44"Caution Trip Hazard."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Good, good.- I've knocked together a bit of a prototype.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Well done, Bernard, that looks brilliant.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's pretty heavy, of course!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Ooh, ooh, ooh...
0:18:58 > 0:18:59I don't think I can hold it! Oh, no!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01HE SCREAMS
0:19:01 > 0:19:03HE LAUGHS
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Don't worry, it's made out of polystyrene.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09We did Jack And The Beanstalk for last year's pub panto.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11That's a bit of the ogre's castle.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I don't think that was very funny.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18But I must say it does look very smart.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's also very discriminatory.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26We have a statuary obligation to make any signage accessible to the sight-challenged community.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Malika's right. We'll have to put the warning on in Braille.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34But surely, Gerald, if we put a Braille version on the kerb,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38then, the sight-challenged community will have to trip over the kerb
0:19:38 > 0:19:42in order to be aware of the warning not to trip over the kerb...
0:19:42 > 0:19:48Very true, Clive. We'll need to erect stand-alone Braille versions at waist height.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53But then, won't we have to erect a bump warning, warning people about not bumping into the trip warning?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56But then, we'll need another bump warning about the first bump warning.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57And then another and another!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00The whole world will be covered in warning signs.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It's a beautiful dream, Clive.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And we haven't even started looking at the statutory language requirements!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You're absolutely right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Baselricky embraces inclusion and diversity.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Besides English and Braille,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16any trip warning will also have to be offered in Bengali,
0:20:16 > 0:20:23Panjabi, Urdu, Somali, Igbo, Polish, Swahili, Farsi, Yorubu and Albanian.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Right. Bernard, can you get hold of any more of the ogre's castle?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Well, this is nice, isn't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Yes. Lovely.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35All of us together.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Yes. For a dance rehearsal.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Oh, yes. Absolutely. For a dance rehearsal.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Right. Well, if we're going to beat the Mayor, we'd better get on with it.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I haven't got long, I'm taking Kyle out to dinner.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You're paying, of course.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Yes, Sue. Is that a problem for you? In the 21st century?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Boom! In your face, Sue.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Right, anyway. Here we go.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And...one, two, three.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04One, two, three.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Glide, Sue, you have to melt into your movements.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14Oh, look! Your elbow is all locked and your body's all stiff...
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Oh, for heaven's sake, let me show you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22You have to connect with one another.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Trust each other.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Become a part of one other.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Become as...one.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I'm sorry, Sue. I really thought I had time for this, but I really think I must rush.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Mum!- This wasn't a good idea. Bye, girls. Bye, Gerald.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Is it just me or was there a bit of a moment there?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I've been in a queue since 6am!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I'm going to have to give up again or I'll be late for work.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Who'd have thought getting your prostrate checked would take so much effort?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07You look nice, Susan. Big day, eh?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Whatever happens, I am incredibly proud of you.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Feet, Victoria!
0:22:16 > 0:22:2099,999...and...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Boom! 100,000 likes! Oh, yeah!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Come on! Do the Vicbot.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Do the Vicbot! Do the...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Vic, you're disgusting.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34100,000 likes, girlfriend! Da people be thummin' up me fannoir!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Vic, will you just shut up about your viral whatsit?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I could be bankrupt by lunchtime.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41DOOR BELL RINGS
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I'll get it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Sue, your mum's boyfriend's here.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- What?- The K Man is in the house.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Is Mum with you?- No, babes.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Just me and this guy I'm training who you should meet.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- A guy?- Yeah. I told him I knew a sizzling hot chick
0:23:01 > 0:23:02who doesn't have a boyfriend.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Get out, Kyle. Mum might like you, but I don't.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Just meet the guy, yeah. Trust me. You won't regret it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Hey, Gazza, there's a chick here who'll be really happy to meet you.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16The Gazmeister is in the house!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Gary!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22This is the bloke who's taking me to the tribunal today.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25The bloke who's claiming disability cos he can hardly walk.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29But can do 10K on a treaddie in under 50.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Your mum told me about your tribunal, Sue,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and when I saw this guy down the gym with his crutch,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I thought I'd dig a little deeper.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39It's a lie! I'm injured. I've got a letter.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And I've got footage.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Treadmill, cross trainer, multi gym.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46All recorded and dated.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That's a picture of a...
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's my new screen saver, just downloaded it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Nice selfie, Vic.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Thanks.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Give me that!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04In your dreams, mate. I'm a black belt in Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You've been warned. Now, rack off!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Come on, Kyle!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Quite hot! You know, I almost would. If very drunk.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27So, Team Health and Safety,
0:24:27 > 0:24:32this prototype represents the smallest a kerb stone can be
0:24:32 > 0:24:37and still feature the trip warning in all the required languages?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Yes, Gerald. Each kerb will need to be
0:24:40 > 0:24:42as big as the wall on an ogre's castle.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46We've worked out the cost of replacing all the kerbs within the city limits
0:24:46 > 0:24:50with multilingual, culturally-inclusive kerb safe kerbs,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52and it's £137 million.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Safety has a price, Malika.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Because the pavements will now have to be so wide,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02there'll be no room for any actual road between them.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04We'll have to widen the roads.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Which means demolishing all the houses and the shops on either side.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Basically, we'll have to rebuild Baselricky from scratch.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16At a guesstimated cost of between ten and 50 billion pounds.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Well, we MAY have to think again.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Thanks, Kyle, I owe you big time.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28But you still hate me, right?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Awkward?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31All right, I'll be honest.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I think you're in it for what you can get. Giving my mum "financial advice".
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Yeah, I gave your mum some advice, babes.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I told her to lock 90% of her settlement away
0:25:40 > 0:25:42in either a pension fund or property.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Oh.- As to the rest, I said maybe
0:25:45 > 0:25:49after 20 years of being a wife, mother and dental nurse,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52she should take time out to have a little fun.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Is that a problem for you, Sue? Your mum having fun?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Boom! Your face, Sue!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You be gettin' rinsed out today!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02By the K Man.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04By the K Man.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- You're up early, Dad. - I've been up all night.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Still trying to get through to the prostate line.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- Still in a queue? - Yes, drawn ever further
0:26:20 > 0:26:28into the Kafka-like labyrinth of increasingly complex and confusing menu options.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Key in your customer code, your postal code,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37your credit card number, your dog's licence number,
0:26:37 > 0:26:43your mother-in-law's maiden name, your dog's maiden name.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48If you have any hope of being answered in this lifetime or the next,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53key in The Da Vinci Code followed by the hash button.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58And I'm going to have to hang up again because I've got to get to work.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You know you can have your calls diverted to your mobile?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02I'll ring BT and set it up.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I had no idea. That would be great.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Guess what? I lost my DJ gig.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Babes, what happened?!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It was my rudie selfie.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Those mean girls from when I was at school
0:27:14 > 0:27:16made it the profile photo on my website.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18They're calling me DJ Vajayjay.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Which is actually quite a cool name, but now the youth club have cancelled me
0:27:23 > 0:27:26cos they don't think I'm appropriate for an all-ages crowd.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28DJ Vajayjay?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Am I missing something here?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37This is a historic day, Team Health and Safety.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42With this single prototype section of safety barrier,
0:27:42 > 0:27:48we begin the massive task of fencing every pavement in Baselricky
0:27:48 > 0:27:54so that one day no child will live in fear of tripping.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Blimey!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59At flipping last!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Excuse me, I have to take this.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Hello? Yes, this is he!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I'm amazed you remember me, it's been so long.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11One question before we start, if I may,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15just how hard is it to have your rectum probed in South East Essex?
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Sue! Sue! My mum just texted me! Gerald's on the radio!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23'Don't get me wrong,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27'I'm perfectly happy to have a total stranger
0:28:27 > 0:28:31'stick an exploratory digit up where the sun don't shine.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34'It's having to wait that bothers me.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36'Ha-ha, yeah.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40'We've been talking to Council Health and Safety Officer, Gerald Wright.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43'Here, on Radio Baselricky.'
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Don't get me started.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd