0:00:21 > 0:00:23I really think I should change the appointment.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Dad, it's just a prostate check!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Women spend their entire lives being messed around by doctors.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31And you're banging on about one little finger up your bum!
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Might not be so little. My bro's doing medicine at Exeter
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and they're all horrendous rugger buggers.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I mean, fingers like bananas, dot, dot, exclamation mark.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Giles can pick up a football single-handed.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Right. I'm going to change my appointment.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Dad. You're not changing it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51But it's on the same day as the Ballroom Dance!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I won't be able to WALK, let alone do the cha cha!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I've been looking it up on the net.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Apparently, the muscles can go into rigid spasm.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04How am I going to dance with a rigid backside?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Hang on. That's not right.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- Excuse me. I think you're in the wrong queue.- Wrong queue?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yes. This is the eight items or less queue. You've got eleven.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Have you been spying on my shopping? - No, I have not been spying.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I've been conducting a citizen's survey
0:01:22 > 0:01:23and you're in the wrong queue.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The four cans are one item.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Only if they're in a four-pack.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Those will have to be swiped separately.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Four of the same is one.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Excuse me, but by that argument,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39identical quadruplets would travel on the same passport,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43which any UK Borders Protection Officer will tell you they don't.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48- You're raving tonto. - Hop it, or I'll get the manager.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'll remember you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Dad! I actually want to die.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59The ability to respect a queue is what made Britain great.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04It's how our sailors managed to pull so many boys off on the beaches.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07He's talking about Dunkirk, Vic.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09And never let it be forgotten.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm collecting for my favourite charity, boys. Will you contribute?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Of course, Malika. What's the cause? - The local hospice.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Hospice? What's that? A hospital with a lisp?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Wrong, probably. I know. I've done the course.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27A hospice is where they care for the dying, Bernard.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Is that something you're interested in, then, Malika? The dying?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I got involved when my late husband was failing.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You contributed him, so to speak.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I was in Weston-super-Mare when he ate the fatal meal, Clive,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41so the Coroner's report accepted at the time.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Scaramouche!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah! Raspberry!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Galileo!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Ah!- Yeah!- Ah!- Yeah!- Beret!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's brilliant, Vic! Really cool!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01It's a mashup of Prince's Raspberry Beret and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- What me call it?- Bohemian Raspberry!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- BOOM!- You really are good, you know, Vic, I love your mashups.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's lucky you do. You're the only one who's ever going to hear them.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12You'll get a gig in the end, Vic.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- You just need one to get you started.- I know! But how?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I go to gigs that I dig and I'm like, "Dude, I really dig your gig,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"can I get a gig?" and they say, "Where can we see you gigging, see if we dig it?"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm like, "Dude, I don't have a gig, which is why I need a gig at your gig."
0:03:25 > 0:03:28And they're like, "Dude, how can we give you a gig, if you've no gig for us to dig
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- "to see if we dig it enough to give you a gig...?"- I think I get it!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's like a TOTAL Catch 22.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36In fact, I think it might even be a Catch 23.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I know it's getting you down, Vic.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It's just those mean girls I told you about
0:03:40 > 0:03:42from when I was at school. They hacked my site again.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45They changed my name to Grand Master Total Crap.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47This is getting stupid! You should make a complaint,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- there is a process.- No way! I'm not running and I'm not hiding.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54One day, I'll get a gig, upload loads of cool footage
0:03:54 > 0:03:56of giggers digging my gigging, then those bitches
0:03:56 > 0:03:58can kiss my funky white mashup!
0:04:02 > 0:04:09So, let us proceed to today's agenda, which is,
0:04:09 > 0:04:14as ever, to eliminate risk. Clive. Speak to me.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Well, Gerald, as you know, the American coffee chain
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Moonbonks Barista is opening a new branch in Baselricky High Street.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Has APPLIED to open a new branch, Clive,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27whether that application is successful is up to us.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Well, I say, let 'em in. I love a Moonbonks!
0:04:30 > 0:04:35And rest assured, Clive, the needs of the coffee-drinking community
0:04:35 > 0:04:38will loom large in our deliberation.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Not, however, as large as risk management.
0:04:43 > 0:04:49There'll be no scalded lips or little wooden stirring sticks
0:04:49 > 0:04:52stuck up people's noses on my watch.
0:04:52 > 0:04:59Moonbonks is subject to UK DOE workplace legislation.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02We must therefore ensure that they deliver
0:05:02 > 0:05:06a Failsafe Accident Neutralized
0:05:06 > 0:05:11and Nullified Industrial Environment.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Acronomically...
0:05:13 > 0:05:21F-A-N-N-I-E.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28If Moonbonks cannot guarantee that their coffee
0:05:28 > 0:05:31will be served out of a Fannie,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35then the people of Baselricky won't be drinking it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Clive, speak to me about how we ensure
0:05:40 > 0:05:45the enforcement of a properly regulated Fannie.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Well, the principle fear is the danger of scalding liquids
0:05:51 > 0:05:57being carried about the streets in insufficiently robust containers.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58We therefore asked Moonbonks
0:05:58 > 0:06:02to supply us with examples of their cups.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04This is the Tall.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Well, it's big. Dangerously big.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15Picture the scenario - a crowded pavement, full of busy commuters.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Each carrying a LITRE of boiling liquid,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21inadequately secured with an ill-fitting lid.
0:06:21 > 0:06:27That's been semi-clamped on by a distracted Spanish student,
0:06:27 > 0:06:33with his mind on the girl who's toasting the paninis.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37The commuters are in a hurry. They're anxious to get to work.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- They don't see the cracked paving stone!- Bang! Splosh!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Coffee-flavoured gonads. We've all been there.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It's a NIGHTMARE scenario.
0:06:44 > 0:06:50We will insist that the Tall is reserved for in-house customers
0:06:50 > 0:06:54and that only the Short is offered for takeaway trade.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- This IS the Short. - I thought you said it was the Tall.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I did, but it's the Short. - Then show me the Tall.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- This is the Tall - You just said it was the Short!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- It is. - It's the Short AND the Tall?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Yes. The Tall IS the Short. - How can the Tall be the Short?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Because it's the smallest one they do. Small is actually Big.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16That's what my late husband used to try to tell me!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Shortly before he ate the fateful meal?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I don't know, Bernard. I told you, I was in Weston-super-Mare!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23As the Coroner's Report accepted at the time
0:07:23 > 0:07:26and in two subsequent enquiries!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28This is the Vesuvi.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34What is happening to this country?!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37We used to be happy with a cup of coffee!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It was adequate! It did the job!
0:07:39 > 0:07:44No-one ever said, "Actually, have you got a bucket?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"I could MURDER a bucket of coffee!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Well, I think Moonbonks are wonderful.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52My favourite's a butterscotch double-white-choc
0:07:52 > 0:07:56vanilla-bean-caramel Frappy Crappy with M&M's on top.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Whatever happened to "One lump or two"?
0:08:00 > 0:08:06There's no restraint any more! We're descending into decadence!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09This is what happened to the Roman Empire!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13What, big coffee cups? I didn't notice them in Gladiator!
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Mass slaughter in the Coliseum. Emperors marrying their horses.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Smarties in your Frozen Flurry.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27All evidence of cultures that have lost their way, Bernard.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Decadence comes in many guises.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Anyway...
0:08:33 > 0:08:38I nearly got started there. So...
0:08:38 > 0:08:43We have the small cup or Tall, and we have the big cup or Vesuvi.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Vesuvi isn't the big one, Gerald, it's the medium.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48This is the big.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57- It's called Grandissimo. - Oh, no. I'm not happy.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58I'm really not.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What's your main area of concern, Gerald?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Quite frankly, I think what we might be looking at here
0:09:04 > 0:09:09is not a cup, but a small portable pond.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12A pond?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15There are very strict legal limits
0:09:15 > 0:09:19concerning the size at which a domestic body of liquid
0:09:19 > 0:09:25requires fencing and I think this cup may breach them.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29A word, please, Wright Mr, Wright Mr, please, a word.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Heard, I have, that you out carrying are safety checks absurd
0:09:33 > 0:09:35on the new franchise Moonbonks!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38As is duty my, Mayor Mr.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Well, over get it with by the Night Ballroom Big, Wright Mr,
0:09:43 > 0:09:48and make sure a licence give you them, or for it answer will you!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I'm collecting for the local hospice, will you donate?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I don't believe in charity, they spend it all on admin.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I've heard for every pound donated, they spend £2.50
0:09:57 > 0:10:00on envelopes and Blu Tack. So why should I bother?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Exactly, so why bother, should we? Eh? Eh?
0:10:03 > 0:10:08Come along, Cheryl. Along, Cheryl, come. Cha-cha!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What a couple of arse-tights!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Blimey!
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I may spontaneously ejaculate.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Exactly what site are you looking at?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Medicalfacts.com.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It can happen when they touch your prostate!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Oh! Maybe don't wear anything dark.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38It says here that there is a possibility of actual arousal!
0:10:38 > 0:10:43A bloke giving you a prostate probe? I can't see it myself!
0:10:43 > 0:10:48- Might be a woman doctor. - Blimey! I hadn't thought of that!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Which would you prefer, dude or chick?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Interesting question.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58For a professional encounter such as this, dude, I think.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Less chance of arousal, certainly, and let's face it,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05he'd have shorter finger nails.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07But bigger fingers.
0:11:07 > 0:11:13Yep, you're right, Victoria, it's a percentage game.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Well, here I am. What do you think?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20It'll be better in heels, but I'm not very steady in them yet.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Your mum's dress! - Yeah, she lent it to me.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28We couldn't find anything in the Oxfam shop. You don't mind, do you?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Susan, you look lovely, like your mother did.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Dad, when I picked up the dress, Mum said she wanted to see us.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Just you and me. Said she had something to tell us,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41but she didn't say what it was.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44She's probably going to tell you that she's going to elope
0:11:44 > 0:11:47with her handsome, fit, buff, Aussie boyfriend.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Or she just really wants to
0:11:50 > 0:11:52hang out with you, Gerald.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57So, Team Health and Safety, when do people crave coffee?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Well, it's clearly a question of individual taste.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03My Yvonne likes a cup after her lunch,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05but only if I've given her one.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Oh! Hello!- Yeah, she's a bit of a princess like that, bless her.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Won't get it herself, but if I've given her one, she's happy.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- I imagine she is!- Team...
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Moonbonks offer three sizes of coffee deliveries.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Tall, being the least copious container, will be level one.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Grandissimo, being the largest and most dangerous,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- will, of course, be level three. - Should be level one!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I knew you were going to say that, Malika! I knew it!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Because it's obvious! One is high and three is low!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Go and stand on an Olympic podium!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Go and stay in a one-star hotel!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Clive, with me.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53You are our designated and hypothetical
0:12:53 > 0:12:56member of the coffee-drinking community.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02Here we have a liquid-filled Grandissimo.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Action the controlled immersion exercise.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Pardon?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Stick your face in the bucket.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Glasses, Clive.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24And as you can see, our hypothetical beverage imbiber
0:13:24 > 0:13:28has completely immersed his respiratory organs.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34It actually seems to have created a seal!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Interestingly, there's a suction effect.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41In fact, I think he might actually be, erm, drowning!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Abort! Abort! Man down!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Ooh, I saw my whole life pass before my eyes!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What, in 20 seconds?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Yes, in fact, I think it went round twice.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58This is a highly dangerous cup,
0:13:58 > 0:14:03which clearly requires fencing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Outrageous. Wright Mr! Absurd, and surd-ab!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Have I here your report interim
0:14:09 > 0:14:12on the Moonbonks Barista's Fannie Excessive!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Cups coffee subject to same rules as pools swimming?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19This is Madness, Wright Mr. Madness, this is!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Issue Moonbonks a licence with before the Ballroom Night,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24or for it answer will you!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I am my job doing just, Mayor Mr.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Job yours, yes! But long for how, Wright Mr? Hmm, Hmm?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Long for how? Come along, Cheryl!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Along, Cheryl, come!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Nutters!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I'm dying to hear what it is you want to tell us, Mum.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Well, let's get our salads first, shall we?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Oh, look! Some selfish swine's hogging half the bar!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59One of those bowl-pilers, trying to squeeze on
0:14:59 > 0:15:02an extra sunflower seed and garlic crouton.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The salad bar is a communal facility, you know!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, yes!
0:15:08 > 0:15:13He's building a little platform out of cucumber slices,
0:15:13 > 0:15:18stuck together with blue cheese dressing, supported by carrot batons,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22used as flying buttresses. That old trick.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Excuse me, but do you have a problem? I...
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Oh, it's you again! The angry little man.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Do I have too many items again, Mr Grocery Counter?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Yes, as it happens, you have!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Look, you've scraped out the last of the Thousand Island Dressing,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41you've used up ALL the herb breadsticks,
0:15:41 > 0:15:46and there's only five kernels of sweetcorn left.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50What are you, a 14-stone rabbit?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I didn't have the last breadstick. She did.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Kyle taught me how to do this. Brilliant, isn't it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03All right, Mum, you've put this off long enough.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- Now, what did you want to tell us? - Kyle and I are going away.- Away?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Yes. He's going to show me the world!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12What, all of it?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15We're going to backpack across Europe and into Asia,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and then see if we can pick up some work crewing
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and head down to Australia.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You were always happy caravanning in Normandy.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Was I, Gerald?- What will you do when you get to Australia, Mum?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Well, they always need skilled people, and as a dental nurse,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Kyle says I'll easily get a work visa.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Exciting!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Well, Sue's all grown up. Got a life of her own with Victoria,
0:16:37 > 0:16:42and, you and me, we're divorced, so...why not?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Why not? Indeed.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Look at this, Mrs Maha!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51The Ballroom Night's going to be a bit different this year.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56There's going to be a DJ and a prize for the best dancing couple.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00£500 and a year's supply of coffee?!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02The Mayor's got Moonbonks to sponsor our ballroom night!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And he's dancing with Cha-Cha Cheryl, the cha-cha champ.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I think we all know who's going to win that £500.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Excuse me.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Now we know why he was pushing through our Moonbonks enquiry.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Someone's going to have to out-dance him.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Not me and my Susan, I fear.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Or me and my Yvonne.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25She has a weak bladder, we can never finish a routine.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Right, YOU!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29You're dancing with me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I will teach you a two-step, if it kills you!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Please don't say that!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Well, big day tomorrow, eh?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Yes, Dad. Our special dance.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Actually, Susan, I was talking about my prostate.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Cheer up. You might get aroused.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You can't just give up, Dad. It's why Mum left.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55If there's ever going to be a chance of getting her back,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57you have to rediscover your fire, your passion.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59She's not coming back, Susan.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05I could be as fiery and as passionate as Gary Barlow,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and your mother wouldn't notice
0:18:07 > 0:18:11because she'll be in Australia with a man who shaves his body hair.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Dad, please! Not the waxed scrotum again!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15You are a bit obsessed, Gerald.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm not obsessed! I'm just perplexed.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I still don't get it. I mean, why? Answer me that!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Why would a man possibly want bald testicles?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Duh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- What?- Duh!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I have no idea what you're "duh-ing" about, Victoria.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Dude, it makes them more sensitive.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Sensitive? Sensitive to what?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Duh!- Stop duh-ing, Victoria!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I will not be duh-ed in my own home.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Besides which, how could a man's testicles BE more sensitive?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Did none of these blokes get sack-smacked at school?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Your eyes were still watering at bed time!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Well, I might as well tell you -
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Kyle's bringing his bald balls to the ballroom
0:18:56 > 0:18:58because I've invited Mum.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Mum's coming?- Yes, and if you want to stand a chance of stopping her
0:19:01 > 0:19:04going to Australia, you have to put on a good show!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Susan...
0:19:06 > 0:19:12I don't think that seeing me cha-cha in my Spandex
0:19:12 > 0:19:16is going to re-kindle the love-light in your mother's eyes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Quite frankly, I'll be happy if I can dance at all after my prostate test.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I just hope he'll be gentle with me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Blimey!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Oh, hello, again!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36The mills of God grind slowly, Mr Wright,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39but they grind exceeding small.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Don't you think that our previous relationship
0:19:43 > 0:19:46precludes a professional engagement?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, please, do not insult my ethics.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What I think about a patient
0:19:50 > 0:19:53has no relevance to how I treat them.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59The fact that you forced me to change queues at the checkout
0:19:59 > 0:20:02should, of course, have no bearing
0:20:02 > 0:20:05on the manner in which
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I explore your anus.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12When you choose to confront and insult
0:20:12 > 0:20:16a blameless individual in a pizza restaurant,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19you should in no way have to consider that you might shortly
0:20:19 > 0:20:25be subjected to an exhaustively forensic rectal examination
0:20:25 > 0:20:28by that very same man.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I will treat you as I would anyone else
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and hopefully give you the big thumbs-up.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Are there any questions?
0:20:40 > 0:20:46Well, I have heard that this examination can cause an erection.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Well, Mr Wright, I'm not going to deny that I'll take
0:20:49 > 0:20:51great satisfaction from it...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55..but I doubt that I'll get quite that excited.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I didn't mean you! I meant me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Oh, yes! I see, yes, that's true, that can happen.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Some men actually find the experience pleasurable.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08However, I can assure you, YOU won't.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13So, please...bend over the couch.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Eight items...
0:21:25 > 0:21:2611 items...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31..did it really matter?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35No, no, not at all, no. I was stupid.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I can see that now!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And that last breadstick, who took it?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- My wife!- Your wife.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And...feeling for the prostate...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50and all done.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I said all DONE, Mr Wright.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I've spasmed!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Yes, I can feel that, Mr Wright, but I want my finger back!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- You're going to have to relax. - I can't relax!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I'm locked on like a...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17like a hungry clam.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24My bum's gone into defence mode.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I think it's making a citizen's arrest.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Mr Wright, I said relax!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I can't relax!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You can have me relaxed, or you can have your finger up me!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41The two things are mutually exclusive.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Mr Wright, I am a very busy man.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I can't be stuck here all afternoon.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Well, I'm dancing tonight and I've already got a partner!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Put your foot on my bum and tug!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Oof!- Oof!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LOUD CLATTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Blimey!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Well, how was it?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Everything all right?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Your backside is fine.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You can continue talking out of it for years!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I've put my Yvonne in a cab. She's having one of her turns.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I'm not surprised, the amount of punch she's drunk.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- I thought she was going to strip off and dive in!- She only had two cups.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yeah, but they were Grandissimo!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And as for you, I think you broke about six of my toes!
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Please don't kill me.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Got to admit, the Mayor and Cha-Cha Cheryl
0:24:05 > 0:24:07really burnt up the floor tonight.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I think they've got that money in the bank.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13One, two... Two, one... Four.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I think that DJ's had more punch than your Yvonne, Clive.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I know, he's dropping his records and everything.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I think I'd better take him a nice coffee.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Our dance, I think, Sue.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31She looks lovely, doesn't she, Gerald? Our little girl.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Ow!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Ooh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Oh, it's my ankle, I've twisted it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It's these bleedin' shoes!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44So, are you going to take me somewhere classy after to celebrate?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Reserved, have I, my table usual at The Harvester.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52This is terrible! Dad's been really looking forward to it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55He needs to dance to get his confidence back.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59If only he had someone to dance with.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Gerald was our last hope.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I could murder that stupid girl for tripping!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Have a heart, Malika. She's got her whole life ahead of her.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Most unfortunate.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Unfortunate most, Wright Mr.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Wright Miss, ankle twisted is and clearly dance cannot she,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18therefore, apropos, a forfeit, you are.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Belongs, the prize, to me and Cheryl Cha-Cha. Ha-ha!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26There's been a change to the final couple!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30It will now be Gerald and Valerie Wright!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Valerie. You look...beautiful.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Looks like mutton to me.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39She looks hot.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Not wrong, babes. I give her a 4.5,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44and the K Man never rates higher than a six, so...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I am SO going to hate it if you end up being my father-in-law.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59They're so lovely.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Breaks me heart!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Maximum bashy-bashy drop legs.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Yeah. She has so blossomed under the K Man's wing. Yeah?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Yes, well, seems it concede this, must I.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44What did I tell you, Gerald?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You and Valerie were poetry in motion!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48You were made to dance together,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and I know because I'm a very spiritual and sensitive person.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54They were all right, I suppose. For a couple of amateurs.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Oh, shut your face, you dozy slapper!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- I beg your pardon? - You heard, love.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Cook her a meal, Malika.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I was in Weston-super-Mare!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Well, I suppose I should be going.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Kyle's got a decathlon in the morning.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Don't forget your half of the prize.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Oh, you and Susan should have that.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17I'll tell you what, we'll give it to Malika's charity, eh?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Personally, I've already had my reward.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Just dancing with you.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Yeah... It was nice, wasn't it?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I'll give you a ring sometime, shall I?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Well, you know I'd love it,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35but won't you be abroad?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Oh, not quite yet... I'm not even sure when.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40No rush, eh?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- Your ankle got better, then? - Yeah. Funny, that.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Boom! Rinse it out! You is da bangalang girl,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52workin' ya foxy tricky-trix
0:27:52 > 0:27:55mek yo' mudda hot to jiggy-jig wit yo' faddah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Come on, then! I thought this was supposed to be a party!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I think the DJ's too drunk to play.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Actually, I think he's...drowning!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Team, with me!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Well, Vic, looks like this gig's in need of a DJ.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- And this DJ is in need of a gig! - BOTH: Boom!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Dis is DJ Vicky Licky in da house,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19bangin' it out to da Baselricky Massive Yo!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Make some fierce noise, cos we is mad sick to go licky-licky
0:28:22 > 0:28:27with da foxy Cha-Cha and da bashy-bashy drop leg!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Let's kick it
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Ice, ice...
0:28:34 > 0:28:35# Can't touch this
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# Ice, ice, baby
0:28:41 > 0:28:43# Can't touch this...
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# Can't touch this... #
0:28:57 > 0:29:02Minimising risk, Team Health and Safety, minimising risk.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07Even where only minimal risk exists.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09With me!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd