0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Over there, we saw Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen once,
0:00:18 > 0:00:20and once in the shop,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22and once up Burleigh Hill, riding his bike, didn't we?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- And in the Co-op.- Yeah.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Because I was walking in the Co-op and he was coming out and I said,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30"After you," and he said, "No, after you."
0:00:30 > 0:00:31He's so humble.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So humble, and I asked him, I said to him,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35"When do we get to see you back on our screens,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39"because it's a crying shame I don't get to see you as often?"
0:00:39 > 0:00:40And he just shrugged.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42He just shrugged like that.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Such a shame.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51But not only is he my cousin,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54he's my best mate as well, because he's the only person I can share a
0:00:54 > 0:00:56box of Celebrations with.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Tell them why.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Because I love the Bounties, but I won't touch anything else.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04She cannot stand Bounties but she'll eat the rest of them.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06So, nothing goes to waste.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- So he'll literally just come round my house, won't you?- Yeah.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09And just hoover up all the Bounties.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11That's what I do, yeah.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13I like the underdog.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17The thing is, I don't even like Bounties that much,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I just feel sorry for them because they're always left.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Yeah.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan, on and off, for 12 years now.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I think they're great kids, really.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Give it!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Don't be a fucking dick.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I do think they sometimes resort to
0:01:38 > 0:01:41a lot of effing and jeffing and
0:01:41 > 0:01:44that's something we've been working on, actively, a lot,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47especially over the last couple of years and I feel like
0:01:47 > 0:01:49they've made great strides forward.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Last week,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I don't think they used the F word once.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58We had the C word a couple of times but, I mean,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00that really is an improvement on what had gone before.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Scarecrow Festival is the most important day of the year.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09That's the beautiful thing about living in the village.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Everyone comes together on days like Scarecrow Festival and just forgets
0:02:12 > 0:02:14their utter hatred of each other.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Everyone in the village makes their own scarecrow and they put them out
0:02:19 > 0:02:20anywhere around the village.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yeah, and basically, there's an independent adjudicator goes round
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- and he judges them. - No, does not.- Yeah, he does.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's a public voting system now, cos they changed the rules.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- No, it's not.- Yes, they did. - They didn't.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32If you read the Gazette last week, you would know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I spoke to the vicar myself as well.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh, I don't care, I find it sad.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Oh, having a picture of your winning scarecrow on the front of
0:02:40 > 0:02:42the Gazette is sad, is it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Didn't think so.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50So anyway, it's a public voting system and you get
0:02:50 > 0:02:51designated pitches.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So, my pitch is on the village green this year, which is one of the best
0:02:54 > 0:02:59pitches and then you have little forms, so you go around and then
0:02:59 > 0:03:02you can tick which one, which is your favourite and then you put it
0:03:02 > 0:03:05in the box at the end of the day and the winner gets a
0:03:05 > 0:03:07hot-air balloon ride for two.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08And I ain't taking you on it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I don't want to go on it, anyway.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11I'm taking my nan.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28He'll tell you that the Scarecrow Festival is all fun and games,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29but it ain't for me.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32For me, the Scarecrow Festival is just asking for trouble,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35cos everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people
0:03:35 > 0:03:37from my past that would love to see me slain.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I've got enemies everywhere.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I've got enemies in South Cerney, I've got enemies in North Cerney,
0:03:42 > 0:03:43I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I've got enemies in Bourton-on-the-Water.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48There's a tea rooms there and under the counter
0:03:48 > 0:03:49they've got a panic button
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and if I take one step inside, they can press that.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54The police will be there in three minutes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Isn't that right?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59If I'm walking through the village,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03people in cars actually slam their foot down on the accelerator,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06because they want to get through the village as fast as they can
0:04:06 > 0:04:08without getting into a confrontation with me.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Because if they stop off at traffic lights,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I'll just knock on their window and I go, "What you looking at, mate?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:19What?
0:04:19 > 0:04:20What?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25What? Why?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28For what?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I don't go to school any more.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Where the hell is he getting these vouchers from?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Cos they discontinued them, like, ten years ago.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45How is that my fault?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46I don't understand.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I cannot win.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50This is just ridiculous.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I don't live here, this is Kerry's house.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I live with my nan, just round there.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oh, you're joking.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day
0:04:59 > 0:05:01asking us to go laser quest with him and I...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- What did you say?- Well, I clicked on it by accident, didn't I?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05So he knows I've seen it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Oh, sake!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10The thing is, he'll just trap you for ages, he'll never leave.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I should feel sorry for him because he's got terminal cancer,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14but he's so utterly annoying.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It's like, if you want to have a bucket list, that's fine,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19but don't just drag us into it. Do you know what I mean?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It's all right, he's going the other way. He's going the other way.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Thank Christ for that.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So, it's about 15 quid a head.
0:05:27 > 0:05:33That includes two sessions of laser quest and a minibus there and back,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36but I am going to need the deposit now.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Oh, I just...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Hello?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, your mum's shouting.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Just coming now.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Yeah.- But have a really...I hope you enjoy yourself.- Cheers, mate.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Cheers though, mate. Thanks for thinking of us.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Yeah. See you later.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01So, today's the day of the Scarecrow Festival and I've got a bad feeling.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Mark my words, something bad is going to happen to me today.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Da!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09That's my dad, that is.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Dad!
0:06:12 > 0:06:13You all right, Dad?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14All right?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What have you been up to then?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Just taking the kids out.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Right.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Is it all right if I come over yours later?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Nah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I ain't seen you in ages, Dad.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yeah, yeah...but I've got to go, Kerr.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- All right.- Come on, my kiddo. - See you.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34That's my dad.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35That was my dad, that was.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Did you see my dad, Kurtan?- Yeah.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He's going to the festival as well.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41What did he say?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He said, erm,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I can come over to his later, if I want.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Did he?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Yeah, but I think I might be busy tonight, so...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51I might not go.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58The Scarecrow Festival is just a bit of fun really.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's a tradition that's been going since I was a boy and it's great
0:07:01 > 0:07:04to see everyone in the village getting involved.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Hey! This man is an absolute legend, ain't you, Vicar?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08And we're his favourite as well.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah, you absolutely love us, don't you Vicar?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, he's smiling cos he knows it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14This guy here taught me how to control my temper.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Simmer down, you two.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oi, tell them about when we got para in the park and you had to
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- come pick us up.- Yeah, I had to get my stomach pumped as well, didn't I?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22That wasn't funny, that was very scary.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25He loves Midsomer Murders, don't you, Vicar?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Yeah, he loves it.- He gets so mad if he misses one.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34And if he doesn't record it on Sky planner, he goes mental, don't you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I love Midsomer Murders.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36He loves his golf as well.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- John Nettles is my favourite.- Don't start him on golf.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40What a laugh.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41You're such a laugh.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Your Majesty!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That's where you get the scarecrow maps from.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59The plant stall, over there.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Don't buy anything from there, cos they'll die in a week anyway.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05That is the sign of a very lazy scarecrow maker
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and I'll tell you why.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Cos he can't be bothered to form the hands, that's a pet hate of mine.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Technically, not a scarecrow, cos there's no hay on it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Not a drop of hay in sight.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16It's just a rag on a stick.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I mean, I get it, but it's not making me feel nothing.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Look at this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25This is a monstrosity.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I mean...I think...I know this is Len's as well.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He's a good scarecrow maker, but he's embarrassed himself this year
0:08:32 > 0:08:35with that. I mean, I'm laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36- All right, Len?- All right?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- What do you reckon? - Pretty good, yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Take that grin off your face.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45You're grinning. Don't grin.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46I'm not grinning, Len.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I think it's great, mate, honestly.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Good.- I reckon I've got a chance this year.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52OK.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You believe whatever you want to believe, that's fine.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Well, I do believe, all right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Yeah. All right, whatever.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Len, I'm not going to get into a fight with you today, all right?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02All right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I'll tell you why I'm going to win this year.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Cos I've got the best scarecrow and I've got the best pitch in the
0:09:06 > 0:09:09village, because my pitch is in the centre of the festival.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Nathan Daniels had that pitch last year and he won and, honestly,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16his scarecrow was the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It was meant to be Beetlejuice, yeah?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19But, fuck me, did it look like Kerry.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Exterminate!
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Excuse me, sorry.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29What's going on?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Excuse me, this is my pitch.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Exterminate! Exterminate!
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Yeah, very funny.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Don't make me move it myself please, mate.- Exterminate!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mate,
0:09:41 > 0:09:42can you just be serious?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43This is my pitch, yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You don't understand, Vicar.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46He's on my pitch, yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49The pitch I booked three months ago with Mrs Wicks.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Well, there must be some kind of mix-up,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52because according to this sheet,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- That's bullshit!- Less of the effing and jeffing, please.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Sorry for swearing, but that is fucking bullshit.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Why would I choose Trowley Bottom Farm when a) no punters could be
0:10:01 > 0:10:05bothered to walk all the way down there and b) it stinks of pig shit
0:10:05 > 0:10:06cos it's on a fucking pig farm.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm sorry for swearing, but this is fucked up.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Kurtan, this is your last warning on the swearing.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I'm really sorry, but it's too late to change anything now.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No, absolutely not.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No way. There's no chance I am going to Trowley Bottom Farm.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23That's the end of it. I ain't talking about it no more, Vicar.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30How am I going to get any votes being down here?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's baffling. I'm baffled by the entire situation, if I'm honest.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Badly organised by the vicar.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Major fuck-up.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Kurtan can get very competitive.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Like, we had to do this sponsored swim at school and he was just
0:10:49 > 0:10:51obsessed with raising the most money for it,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55so he actually stole our nan's bank card and withdrew 500 quid,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57which meant that she couldn't get her teeth done.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Well?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- What?- Did you tell people to come down?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11The thing is though, it's buzzing up there.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- It really is buzzing. - All right, yeah.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- It's that Dalek though. - Yeah.- It is brilliant.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- It's just so... - Yeah, he's brilliant.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- It's so funny, right. I had a picture taken with him.- Yeah.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- If you take that and just scroll to the left.- Great, yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Brilliant. Oh, that's a great one. - Isn't it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That's another good one. I love it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I love them all. That one especially.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Brilliant!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37What the actual fuck?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42What the actual fuck?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You have fucking lost your head, mate.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48You have lost your fucking head.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I swear to God, if my phone is smashed, you are paying for that.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Dickhead!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00To be honest, when Kurtan gets like this he's a fucking psycho.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Levi? Who's is that?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08- June's.- Where is she?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Getting a cup of tea.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It doesn't matter what anyone tells you,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20everyone's here for one reason and that's to win.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Sometimes you just got to throw someone else under the bus to save
0:12:22 > 0:12:26yourself, especially if they're old and stupid, like June.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Roll up! Right, come on.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Guys, have you seen this?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Have you got your voting slip there?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- A voting slip?- Voting slip. You can get them from the stall for £1.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Go back and get one from there and then come straight back here,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I'll tell you what to do, yeah? Quick!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Hello! Over here!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Vote for me!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Have you got your voting slips?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Yes, right. OK, so what you want to do, put the cross as Kurtan,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- that's my one there.- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Vote that one for the winner.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yeah, that's it, hide behind the little Dalek.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You are a massive bell end.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Ow, don't fucking... Yeah?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10When I get hold of you, I swear to God I will fucking deck you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- SHE SIGHS - Fuck's sake, Kurtan.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Every year he's like this.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yes, I swore at David in the Dalek but listen,
0:13:22 > 0:13:28it was only cos I saw him stealing money out of a charity bucket
0:13:28 > 0:13:33that was going around. So I'm actually proud I swore at him.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That's a very serious allegation you're making.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Yeah, I know. - If you're not telling the truth,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39you could be in serious trouble.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Yeah. I know.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44But if you are telling me the truth,
0:13:44 > 0:13:45we need to go to the police station immediately.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Do you understand?
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Are you telling me the truth?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55No.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Excuse me, Vicar.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- Everything OK, June?- I went to get a cup of tea and I left my scarecrow
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and when I got back it just...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I don't know where it's gone.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Well, it can't have gone far, I'm sure.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Shall we have a look for it? - It was over there. It's just gone.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Maybe it got moved, someone got confused about the pitch.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Well, who would have moved it, Vicar?- We'll have a look.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21June stitched me up right royally but that just spurs
0:14:21 > 0:14:25me on, mate, cos if they want to play dirty, that's fine by me.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, I'm telling you now.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- PHONE RINGS - Can you hear that?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Ah!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Hello? Mum!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Why are you crying?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48They've done what?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Sick bastard!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53It's all right, Mum, calm down, yeah?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I'm on my way now, OK?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56All right. Bye.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Someone's just been throwing plums at my house.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I'm going to kill them.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- SHE GASPS - All over this.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Plumming on here, plumming on that.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Plum on the sofa, look!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26There's nothing left that hasn't been plummed.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, my gosh.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I knew this would happen.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Can you see what it's like to be me now?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I've had a target on my back since the day I was born.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Right, that's your bag there
0:15:38 > 0:15:40and the field's just down there on the right, OK?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Thank you very much.- Thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- All right, Len?- Is this right?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Someone said something about free potatoes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Yeah, you got your voting slip there?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- What?- Voting slip.- Oh.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yes, yes, that one there.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Right, that's my name there.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01All you've got to do, yeah, pop that in the box at the end of the day.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Here's your bag and you can help yourself to as many free potatoes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- Yeah.- Just down there on the right, big field in front of you, right?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09All right.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Cheers, Len. But don't forget to put the slip in the box, yeah?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16I can trust you, Len, yeah?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You all right, sir, happy?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Yeah. Nice little jacket potatoes for tonight for the wife.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Thank you very much, your vote is much appreciated.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32So, Mr Jenkins says you were giving away bags and bags of potatoes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35No. That's a total exaggeration.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It was like five potatoes, not even that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42And he also said you sold one of his pigs for £200.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45No.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Mr Phillips, right, gave me 200 quid for no reason.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Right.- Yeah? And the pig just followed him out the gate.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- And into his Land Rover?- Yes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Plumming someone's house is one of the most disrespectful things
0:17:05 > 0:17:06you can do.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I'm going to get the lads together and sort this out cos I've got my
0:17:09 > 0:17:11reputation to think about.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I'm so livid. I'm honestly absolutely raging.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I'm going to find out who done that and I'm going to kill them.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19End of. No-one messes with Kerry.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- You know what I'm like, Big Mac, don't you?- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:28Kerry has a lot of mates that are in year seven and below because
0:17:28 > 0:17:32she likes to think that she can control them and that they do what
0:17:32 > 0:17:36she asks, which is a bit sad actually
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and a bit weird, I think.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I think a lot of their parents are a bit worried about it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Tell them what you found out, Levi.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- I found out who...- Yeah, basically Levi found out who plummed my house.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Tell them who it was, Levi.- It was...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yeah, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington who just moved into
0:17:50 > 0:17:52the area and they found out about my reputation
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and they want to challenge me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55So I'm telling you now, Levi,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59tell them to meet me in the park at 3:00 and they can bring weapons if
0:17:59 > 0:18:01they want, if they're too scared to fight fist to fist.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05You lot know my repetition, don't you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06- ALL:- Yeah.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You're... These lot are scared of me, aren't you?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I want you to apologise to Mr Jenkins now.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Sorry, Jenkins!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You're this close to not being in the competition at all.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Yeah, and you're this close to me dropping you right now, son.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Right, that's it, you're disqualified.- Him or me?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Don't be smart with me, Kurtan. - Just fuck off, Vicar.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Right, you're disqualified, that's the end of it. Come on, George.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Well done, Jenkins. Got what you wanted, did you?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'm fine. Why would I not be fine?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's just a dumb scarecrow festival.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Who cares? I just thought I'd spend every day for three months crafting
0:18:54 > 0:18:58it. Even spent all my savings on getting orchard grass so I wouldn't
0:18:58 > 0:19:00get hay mites, not that anyone cares.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I don't care.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I never even stood a chance cos the whole village was just waiting
0:19:05 > 0:19:06to fuck me over.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You know what? Let's see who makes front page of the Gazette now,
0:19:10 > 0:19:11shall we?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Guys, simmer down.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Simmer down. 'In this village,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19'people respect me because I'm as hard as fuck.'
0:19:19 > 0:19:23If five nasty thugs from Crillington want to rumble, I say bring it on.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Frampton!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Stop it now. Just cos your parents are divorcing,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28don't take it out on everyone else.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Sorry, Vicar, is something the matter?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Er...there's been a bit of an incident and I couldn't...
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Sorry, excuse me. June, have you seen Kurtan anywhere?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Ooh, not since lunchtime.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Is everything all right?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's just, I spoke to Mrs Wicks
0:19:44 > 0:19:47and he had booked that pitch that David had his Dalek on,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49she jotted it on the back of a list.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Oh, dear.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I might just go and check and see if he's down on the farm.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- If you see him, will you send him my way?- Mmm.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01It's quarter past three now and they still ain't showed.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04That's telling, innit? They're obviously bricking it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I'm actually gutted for these kiddies cos they was expecting
0:20:07 > 0:20:09a scrap today, weren't you?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13That little kiddy over there, that little fella, you like a scrap,
0:20:13 > 0:20:14don't you, mate?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And they're going to miss out on that cos someone's too scared
0:20:17 > 0:20:19to show up but what can I do?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Kerry!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Fuck's sake, Slugs, I said I'm not going laser quest with you.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27What you doing here?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28I know who plummed your house.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Yeah, so do I, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington apparently.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33No, it was Levi.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37No, it wasn't.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Yeah, it was. Lucas Tanner filmed it, put it on Facebook.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Levi, why would you plum my house, you little maggot?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47That's bang out of order.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Cos you said it'd make you look dangerous in front of the TV people.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Do you know how small your brain is?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02That is the last time I ask you to do anything for me and that face
0:21:02 > 0:21:06paint of a tiger, everybody's saying been behind your back how stupid it
0:21:06 > 0:21:07looks as well.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Everyone.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Thanks, everyone, for a brilliant day.
0:21:20 > 0:21:26It's been a really strong year this year and we've managed to raise
0:21:26 > 0:21:31£342 for the William Weston Foundation, so really, well done.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Now, before I announce the winners,
0:21:36 > 0:21:41I'd just like to say I've created another category this year for best
0:21:41 > 0:21:46effort. I know how hard this person has worked and it's been a really
0:21:46 > 0:21:49testing day for him but despite that,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52his scarecrow was really excellent.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So I'd like to award Kurtan for best effort.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Well done, Kurtan.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Where is he? Has anyone seen Kurtan?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Is he here?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06No sign of Kurtan?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Water!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Water!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18CROWD SQUEALS
0:22:20 > 0:22:23For goodness' sake, June, get some more water, now!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Has anyone called the fire brigade?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Good, thank you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Len, do something.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Let someone else do it.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57They're still going with them plums, Kerr.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Oh, they'll get bored in a minute. - Look at this.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Front-page, that's me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03What did the police say?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Basically got a caution and I've got to attend a fire-safety course at
0:23:07 > 0:23:09the community college next week.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13And I'm banned from making, handling and competing with any scarecrows.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, shit, you all right, mate?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16I don't give a fuck, Kerr.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Cos there's a vegetable show at the village hall next week
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and I've got a runner bean that's the size of a scarf laid out
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- on the floor.- Yeah? - And a lettuce that's literally
0:23:23 > 0:23:25going to fuck this competition up the ass, hard and dry.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Pff!