0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- All right? - You ain't going to believe this.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- What?- Mr Perkins.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26What about him?
0:00:26 > 0:00:27He's dead.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30He's dead?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Are you joking?
0:00:32 > 0:00:33No.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Way!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- BOTH:- Way!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Way!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48# He's dead! He is dead!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55# He's dead! He is dead! #
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Basically, Mr Perkins was our old woodwork teacher
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and he was a massive prick.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Yeah.- He used to be just plain nasty, wasn't he, Kurts?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Yeah.- He always used to say, "Oh, Kerry and Kurtan,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- "you'll do..." - "Nothing with your lives."
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Which is a bit rich, to be honest, coming from him, who's now dead.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Yeah.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead! #
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I think it's disgusting, what yous is doing, celebrating a man's death.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Shut up, Len, you're boring.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Yeah, well, I think it's disgusting you not celebrating the man's death.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- Charming. - Hogwarts is that way, Dumbledore.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Idiot man.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36He used to call us...
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Ren and Stimpy, didn't he?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah. Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Pinky and Perky.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Asterix and Obelix.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45The Neville brothers.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48He used to say I looked like the puppet off the Dolmio advert.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's just, I...I knew this day would come, but I just,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I actually can't believe it's here, do you know what I mean?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- All right, Mand? - No, I'm not all right,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01some little old blind man with a guide dog walked into a bin
0:02:01 > 0:02:02outside my house.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Shit, is he all right?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05He won't be when I've got my hands on him.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Poor Tyson was so scared, he's run up a tree and ate a bird's nest.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11So I'm going to find him and break his legs for him.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12See how he likes it.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You see him, you send him my way, yeah?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16All right, you fucking psychopath.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Who's a psychopath?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Er...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22The blind man.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yeah, I know. Poor little baby birds
0:02:26 > 0:02:28got their guts sucked out their arseholes cos of him.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Evil bastard.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Fucking weirdo.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Who's a weirdo?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Er...Kurtan.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Yeah, I know.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Come on, Tyson, you fucking prick.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48How the fuck did she hear all that?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Erm...
0:02:51 > 0:02:52She's like a fucking bat.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56People are scared of Mandy, but I ain't.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Because we're both on the same level of hardness.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's, like, Kane isn't scared of The Undertaker
0:03:01 > 0:03:04because they're both Brothers of Destruction.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06There's a kid crying over there.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Do you want me to...? I can tell him to shut the fuck up if you want?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10She belongs in a nuthouse, mate.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13She is fucking nuts.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14A very bad egg.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I like Kerry. Her mum's...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Mum's a good fighter, her mum, down the pub and that.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23If you was in trouble, you can always rely on her mum.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Kerry's all right. Kurtan's a...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27He's a fucking moron.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41SHE GASPS
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Our old prom photo, yeah?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Ten minutes after that was taken,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Kurtan vommed all the way down his ivory tie.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Yeah, only cos I kept spiking my own drinks.- Yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Oh, Kerr, our old detention cards from Mr Perkins.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"for making crass song in woodwork class."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Wait...I'll get it. KEYBOARD PLAYS TUNE
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Five, six, seven.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:11 > 0:04:13# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:13 > 0:04:15# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:17 > 0:04:19# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:19 > 0:04:21# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:21 > 0:04:23# Mr Perkins is a prick
0:04:23 > 0:04:26# All day long. #
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- How is that crass? - How is that crass?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34Disruption, yeah, defiance, yeah, abusive language, fucking yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Listen to this.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention
0:04:41 > 0:04:42"for making Robert Robinson
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"ask the teacher what rimming is."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Who's Rob Robinson?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48You don't remember Robert Robinson?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49No.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51He was in our class in Year 6
0:04:51 > 0:04:53for, like, two terms and he just vanished.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54No-one ever heard of him again.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He had... Instead of a rucksack, yeah,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01he had a suitcase on wheels.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And you started his nickname, which was Terminal Three.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You started that. That was brilliant.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08You don't remember that?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Robert Robinson.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11You don't remember?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Year 6 camping trip, he brought in an old army camp bed
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and it had blood on it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26We used to bog-wash him so much,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29the bleach in the toilet actually turned his hair white.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30- No.- Oh, my God!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34He had about three unruly deaf brothers, yeah?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And he used to get picked up after school in a dirty old Land Rover
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- full of flailing arms.- No.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You don't remember that?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- No.- He used to write everything out in that calculator font
0:05:42 > 0:05:45cos he thought it was really cool.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- No.- We made him eat a fucking bark sandwich, for fuck's sake.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- No.- You don't remember that?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- No.- Nothing?- Nothing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Fuck.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Right, I'm going to get Slugs over, he was in our class, he'll remember.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Please don't get Slugs over. - Yes, I am!- He'll never leave.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Me and Kurtan have known Slugs since school
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and I've never met anyone who outstays their welcome
0:06:07 > 0:06:08more than him.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Like, you'll say, "Sorry, Slugs,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"I can't stop and chat I've got to go and have my dinner."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And he'll go, "What we having?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Robert Robinson, yeah?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18He had a fat woman's arse and tiny, short little legs like a troll.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yeah, you sure you're not talking about Slugs?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Positive. He genuinely looked like a Moomin.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Yeah, so does Slugs.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I know, but it ain't Slugs.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26His school jumper, yeah,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28was the most faded out of everyone's.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30He used to chew his sleeves into threads.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- No.- He brought in a bit of meteorite once, yeah, for show and tell,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37and Darren Lacy called him Apollo 13.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- No.- Oh, my God.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42He was obsessed with salamanders, yeah?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43And we saw him at the school fete
0:06:43 > 0:06:46and he was carrying around a little bank bag full of coppers
0:06:46 > 0:06:48and his face was painted like a salamander
0:06:48 > 0:06:49and he was hissing at dogs.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55How do you not remember Robert fucking Robinson?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Oh, my God, there's this website
0:06:56 > 0:07:00that allows you to watch a loaf of bread slowly going stale.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Fucking hell, man!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Stop it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- What's it called?- Loaf of bread cam.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Seriously?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17He's not on Facebook.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20How can he not be on Facebook?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Everyone's on Facebook.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23That doesn't make any sense.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Maybe he changed his name cos he got married.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- What?- Maybe he's not on Facebook because he doesn't exist.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31What about that tea towel?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Where is it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41HE GASPS
0:07:41 > 0:07:42This is it. Got it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I've got it. This is it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47There.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48- That's him.- Let me see.- He's here.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Rob Robinson. I got it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You see? Right there.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Rob Robinson.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And that was him. And I was...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I knew it, didn't I?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00And that looks like him, as well.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That looks exactly like him.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11There's a massive pond in the back of there
0:08:11 > 0:08:14and two summers ago, it got really bad algae.
0:08:14 > 0:08:1632 grand's worth of Koi carp just dead in a day.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And the algae was thick, like a pint of cheese.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And down there is karate club.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26On my first day of karate club, karate master goes to me, "Kerry,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"I don't know why you're here because I can't teach you anything."
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"If anything, you should be teaching me."
0:08:30 > 0:08:31And just gave me his black belt.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36All right, Mand?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39No, I'm not all right. You know that little old blind man?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Yeah.- Yeah, when I was punching him in his face,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44the lens from his glasses broke and cut my knuckle.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh, right.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Do you want a tattoo, by the way?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Why's that?- Oh, I'm a qualified tattoo artist now,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I've got my certificate this morning.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Nice one.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Do you want one, then? - Well, yeah, I've always wanted one
0:08:57 > 0:08:58but I've just got no money.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I've been saving up. - No, no, I'd do it for free.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Are you serious?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Yeah, helps me build up my portfolio and that.- Oh!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Why don't you come round tomorrow afternoon, then?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08That'd be amazing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- All right. - Aw, nice one, Mand, cheers.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I'll see you later.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Tyson, fuck off!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16So, there's a house over there
0:09:16 > 0:09:19that we used to cherry knock at all the time.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21But since Graham's wife died, we don't do it any more
0:09:21 > 0:09:23cos we don't take the piss.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out what happened
0:09:30 > 0:09:32to Robert Robinson.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36My theory is...is that he died but they just kept it from us
0:09:36 > 0:09:39cos we was just little, innocent children.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This is where Robert Robinson lived.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I can see him, I can just see him now,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49just playing in the garden.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Summer evening, having so much fun and laughter.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Cos he loved life.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02And then his mum comes out, "Robert, dinner's ready."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And he's like, "Mum, I don't want to eat,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I'm having too much fun playing."
0:10:07 > 0:10:09She goes, "You have to eat something, Robert."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11And he goes, "No, seriously, I'm fine."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14She goes, "Right, that's it."
0:10:14 > 0:10:18So she grabs him by the neck, like this, pulls him in,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and he's crying,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22and he's putting his heels in but she's kicking him.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Thumping him on the back.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And so he gets sent up to his bedroom without any tea.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Kurtan?- Cos he did have abusive parents.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- What?- There's a pair of old Spider-Man pants here
0:10:34 > 0:10:36with some skidders in them.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yeah. Those will be his.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47It's just like one day he was here, and then the next, he was gone.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I can se... I can feel, I can feel, Kerr, I can feel him here.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I'm getting this weird feeling, I swear to God.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03You all right, Kurts?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Can you just give me a minute?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09He's loving this.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12He gets very much too obsessive with things -
0:11:12 > 0:11:15like, last week he was obsessed with finding out what happened
0:11:15 > 0:11:17to the cast of The Queen's Nose.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's, like, an old kids' programme that was on TV.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25And a lot of them are still acting, actually.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And then he got obsessed with the...the Fuse bar.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31He had to write a letter to Cadbury's
0:11:31 > 0:11:33asking what happened to the Fuse bar.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And they wrote back saying, "The sales weren't great
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"but thank you so much for taking the time to write in."
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Thanks again so much for this, Mand, honestly, I can't believe it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54So, do you know what you want, then?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57SHE SIGHS I just can't decide at the moment.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Why don't you have a look through one of these books, then?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Choose something from there. - Cheers, Mand.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07So, what's that one?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08That's a pig.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10All right.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Sorry, who's that?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13That's Friends.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- And that one?- Harry Styles.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Tasmanian.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That's Justin Bieber.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Fred Flintstone. Spock.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Stig of the Dump.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25All right. Who did these?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Me.- Oh, right.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31They're really good.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32I know.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Who's that one?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38That's Grant from EastEnders
0:12:38 > 0:12:42but also it could be that bloke off MasterChef.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Oh, right.- If you put glasses on it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Do you know what? I think I'm going to have to just
0:12:50 > 0:12:52go home and just have a think about it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Why?
0:12:53 > 0:12:59Cos...well, they're just so good, I can't choose which one.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01So, you're wasting my time?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Cos I've booked the whole afternoon off for this.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06And I'm giving you one for free.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07- No, I...- You're taking the piss, aren't you?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I do really want one, it's just, I...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- I do, yeah, I do really want one, yeah.- What?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I just don't know which one to have yet, that's the only thing.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Do you do, like, really small ones?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Like I literally just want, like, a K.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I don't do small ones, I only do massive ones.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Right.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- You wanted one?- Nah.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Do you know what? I am going to go home and think about it, Mand.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Mand...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Mandy?
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Mandy?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Brilliant, she's dead.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54MANDY SNORES
0:13:54 > 0:13:56No, she's sleeping.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Oh, what the fuck... What, with her eyes open?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yeah, my nan does it, it's like a weird condition or something.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Look, watch this. Mandy?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Your tattoos are shit.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Oi.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14That's the whole day away.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15She's sleep talking.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Oh.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21(Fuck this, I'm getting out of here.)
0:14:27 > 0:14:28(Go, let's get out.)
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oh, my God.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46She's going to be so livid that we just, like, legged it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Well, yeah, but...- Oh...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49You'd rather get a punch in the face, yeah,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- than a giant tattoo for the rest of your life, so, just...- Oh, my God.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Oh, for fuck's sake. - DISTANT SHOUTING
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, well, don't stop, let's keep walking.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- All right. - Pretend we haven't seen him.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Kerr, wait!
0:15:04 > 0:15:05What is it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08God!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Look at him, he's waddling like he's shat himself.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12What is it, mate?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Well, what is it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Kerr, come on, let's just go.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28What? What?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Rob Robinson? Well, what about him?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33What? What is it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37No, what about him? What is it? Rob Robinson?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39What is it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42He's alive? How do you know?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Yeah?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, yeah!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Seriously?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Seriously?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Kerr, this is...this is... This is serious now.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57That is amazing.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Thanks for that, mate.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Thank the Lord for Slugs.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03That's brilliant, that.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Come on. - I can't believe it, that is...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10That's great news. The plot thickens, Kerr.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Mum, what's for tea?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21What?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Can I have a word, Kerr?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31(She's going to fucking kill us.)
0:16:31 > 0:16:33(Not me, I'm going home.)
0:16:33 > 0:16:36(You're coming in with me.)
0:16:36 > 0:16:38(She'll fucking....)
0:16:38 > 0:16:39(Don't you fucking dare.)
0:16:49 > 0:16:51All right, Mand?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Look, I'm sorry about earlier.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I don't want you to think I sleep on the job or nothing.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- I'm a professional. - No, honestly, you're fine,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I reckon what we should do
0:16:59 > 0:17:02is just forget about the whole thing, to be honest.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05No, I brought all my tattooing stuff round now.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Yeah, but you're really tired, though, aren't you?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12No.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Erm...
0:17:15 > 0:17:20But I don't really know...what I want to have done yet,
0:17:20 > 0:17:21that's the thing.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24That's all right, I'll make it up as I go along.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Sit down.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Yeah, I could have said "no" to Mandy, but...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I want to support a local business, don't I?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Because that's who I am.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And when a tattoo removal company starts up round here,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'll be supporting that, as well.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Take your top off.- Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45TATTOO GUN BUZZES
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So, we're just outside the village.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55It's been years since I've come up here.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Like, it's a long walk from my house,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59but I think it's all going to be worth it
0:17:59 > 0:18:03because I'm seeing Robert Robinson.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Slugs found out that he works in this garage
0:18:05 > 0:18:06just outside the village.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I don't know what's going to happen. Like, anything could happen.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10He might not want to see me.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12He might just punch me in the face, and if he does,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I'm just going to stand there and take it
0:18:14 > 0:18:16cos that is the least he deserves.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21He might not even be the same lad I once knew, like...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24He might not even be into salamanders any more.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27But one thing I do know is that I lost him once
0:18:27 > 0:18:30and I ain't ever going to lose him again.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34I think that's him.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39I am pretty sure, yeah, that is Robert fucking Robinson.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Right there.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59- Robert?- Yeah?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07You are...you are exactly how I remembered, it's so weird.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08All right.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's me, Kurtan.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11OK.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Like, no-one else remembers who you were, right?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19But I never forgot who you were, Robert.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Sorry...sorry, who are you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Kurtan.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You were in my class, yeah, in Year 6 for, like, two terms,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I bullied you relentlessly.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Right.- You don't remember...?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What happened to you?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Well, I moved schools.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Right.- And now I work here.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Why aren't you on Facebook?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45I am on Facebook.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I changed my name to Salamander.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Of course.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I should... That is so you, as well.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00What time do you finish here?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Ten minutes. Why?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I don't know.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What sort of broom is that?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I don't know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29All right, well, look after yourself, yeah?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Absolute waste of time.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So fucking boring. Jesus.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Nothing about him.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55How are we going to get home from here, as well?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I've got to walk through this fucking shit.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Some things are just best left in the past, where they belong.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You've just got to live in the moment
0:21:05 > 0:21:06and appreciate what's around you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Because while you're pining for Noel Edmond's House Party,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11you're missing out on Alan Carr's Chatty Man.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's just shits and roundabouts.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Let's see it, then.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- No.- Come on, please.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- No, I ain't showing you. - Please, Kerr, come on.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh. Yeah, fine, but don't touch it.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- I won't touch it. - Cos it's still really painful.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40SHE WINCES
0:21:42 > 0:21:44That looks like a dog sniffing a bumhole.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Piss off! It's a wolf howling at a moon, thanks.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Oh...- Dick. - ..this'll cheer you up, yeah?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I spoke to Mr Perkins' grieving wife earlier...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Oh, yeah. - And he's definitely still dead.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- SHE GASPS - I know.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:22:01 > 0:22:02He's dead!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05He's dead!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08The bastard's dead.