0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:13FLAT FANFARE PLAYS
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Got that from Bitza.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Shut up, please!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Can you just stop stressing out?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25You've been stressed all morning.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27He's getting so stressed out cos this family's moved in
0:00:27 > 0:00:30across the way and he's just perving at the daughter all morning.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- I'm not perving! I'm not perving! - You are. He is.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I'm evaluating the situation, yeah,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36before I make my move, so shut up.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37There she is now.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, wow.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44And it's fate her moving across the street.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52God, he scrubs up well, don't he?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53What's he doing?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Oh, he's snaking me, he's getting there before I am!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Look, he's got his wallet on his chain out,
0:00:59 > 0:01:00and that's your thing as well.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That's my... That's what I do, innit?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05He's pulling my pants down right now.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I got to get down there. Right.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Ker, got any Lynx? - Yeah, in the bathroom.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Bathroom.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14LONG, FLAT NOTE PLAYS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Two quid, that was.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18And...she threw in that as well.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Love that.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31'The problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that
0:01:31 > 0:01:35'most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Hey.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Hey. Kurtan.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Kayleigh.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48So...do you have a boyfriend?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Let the girl move in first.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Do you want to go out on a date?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go on a date cos she's just moved in
0:02:00 > 0:02:02and especially not with you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04She might. Would you like to go out on a date?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What about me? Do you want to go on a date with me?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14- Yeah?- OK.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16OK? Great.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Where would you like this?- It's all right, I'll take it in for you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I picked it up first, so I'll take it in.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24All right, well, we'll just take it in together, then.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28'Yeah, I am looking for a relationship, but thing is'
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I've just got so many trust issues, yeah,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33with being fucked over massive in the past,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35so no matter how much I get close to someone now
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I'm thinking in the back of my head,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"Shit, am I going to get fucked over?"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Because I've been fucked over in the past massively.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45My last relationship proper fucked me up.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right, on the way down the Hampton Court,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52only for my best mate Jack Russell to snake me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I thought I was your best mate?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, my best mate in woodwork class.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58So, I got car sick on the way back...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Yeah, I was in your woodwork class.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I got car sick on the way back so I had to sit at the front with
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got with Jack Russell on the back seat.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Yeah, even though he bought her a magnet from the gift shop.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- No, it wasn't a magnet.- It was a magnet.- No, it wasn't a magnet.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- It was.- It wasn't a magnet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It was a bookmark with all the queens on it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Thing is, that should be annoying me right now, but...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31look how much pleasure she's getting from that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I went through a really dark phase, didn't I, Ker?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Listening to Papa Roach and just blowing everything up
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- with them little French bangers. - He did, yeah.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42What?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Who?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51The vicar?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52The vicar?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Kerry's dad?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Do you know what? This is utter slander.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Stop saying that about my dad!
0:04:15 > 0:04:16DOOR SLAMS
0:04:18 > 0:04:20The shit has hit the fan.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27He is a peeper, though, to be fair.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Kurtan, I heard that!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33'I don't like the man. I know he's my uncle, but I don't like him.'
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And I don't like what he does to Ker.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Like, he don't give a rat's arse about her because she's a girl.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And all he's ever wanted is to bore a son
0:04:40 > 0:04:42so he can teach him how to concrete.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And Kerry's like a dog.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46No matter how hard you kick her, yeah,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47she will still come back wagging.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Harsh.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Just saying.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55You're all right, though, ain't you?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15So I've just been to my dad's, but he wasn't there
0:05:15 > 0:05:18because his girlfriend, Sandra, kicked him out.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And he's living in a caravan at the moment.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I'm just going to be there for him, no matter what.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Just like he's been there for me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Even though that has been hard for him to be there for me, to be fair,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33because he has darts on a Wednesday and skittles on a Thursday.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And the weekends are a write-off because he likes his me-time.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I needed the toilet, right.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- I was desperate cos I'd had four points down the Keeper's.- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46So I went in the bushes by the ladies tennis club
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and some meddling old tart only goes and calls the police,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50and said I'm peeping on her.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52And I was aroused.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I weren't aroused, just well-endowed.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Yeah.- You can't shoot a man for being well-endowed, Ker.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- No.- Now they're pressing charges.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Sandra's kicked me out.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The darts team don't want to know.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I went in the pub yesterday, all turned their back on me, even Alan.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Even Alan?- My life's in bloody tatters, Ker.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Absolute tatters.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I'm in this bloody caravan without a pot to piss in.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's just malicious lies, that's all it is.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24They're jealous of what God give me downstairs.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Yeah.- And now I've got nothing left.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- You've got me, Dad.- Nothing left.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33I didn't like it one slice.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- No.- And I vowed to myself to never peep again.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Just to make sure I didn't like it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- No.- I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Don't you think I've got better things to do?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know
0:06:55 > 0:06:58you get a call from the police who say
0:06:58 > 0:07:01they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11THUD!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13SHOUTING OUTSIDE Oi!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ah, leave it, Ker.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Leave it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18It's only Alan.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh
0:07:31 > 0:07:34just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38because he'll be setting the bar very, very low.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And by the time I get there I'll be like a knight in shining armour
0:07:42 > 0:07:43and she'll be like the damsel in distress
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and she'll just come running into my arms.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49And if I have to, I will punch him,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55..but that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey
0:07:55 > 0:07:57or any other flightless bird.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02That's sweet, innit?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods
0:08:20 > 0:08:22'and we will have to take it slow,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.'
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30but if she ain't willing to take me as I am
0:08:30 > 0:08:33rather than the monster I've become, then she can literally just jog on
0:08:33 > 0:08:35back to sea with all the other fish cos I don't care.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38God, you still haven't made your mind up?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
0:08:48 > 0:08:52And I'm like the Beast, cos the Beast has got massive trust issues
0:08:52 > 0:08:54with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58And Slugs is like Gaston...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59'No, he's worse than Gaston,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'that follows him around everywhere.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact
0:09:10 > 0:09:12'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.'
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind. Like, most blokes
0:09:15 > 0:09:18would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it'
0:09:22 > 0:09:25cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Is that what you're getting?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I didn't say anything.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31'What do you look for in a boyfriend?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33'Like, clean...'
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Got their own car.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Cos I had a boyfriend once, but...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44..like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I mean, I love the way she looks, but I actually love her personality
0:09:47 > 0:09:49just as much because she'll light up a room.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53'If there was a group of people, you would just see her from a mile off
0:09:53 > 0:09:58'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy'
0:09:58 > 0:10:00and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730
0:10:08 > 0:10:10departing Los Angeles International.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving
0:10:16 > 0:10:19at Frankfurt at approximately 1600 hours local time.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23who has some information on the weather.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27The weather on our route is good
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,'
0:10:33 > 0:10:36but, to be fair to Martin...
0:10:38 > 0:10:39..he tries.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I don't need to work, Ker.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Right.- When you get two nudges on the cherries, hit the cancel,
0:10:47 > 0:10:48take the Mega Trail.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Jackpot.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And there's nothing he can do about it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07'My dad's a legend in this village.'
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Once I was walking up Purley Crescent
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and these like smackheads from Swindon
0:11:11 > 0:11:12were about to start on me, to mug me.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:17And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
0:11:20 > 0:11:22And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way."
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And I go, "Yeah, I know."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What do you think of that?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Use the diaphragm.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I mean, my lungs are so strong I could blow up a hot water bottle.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Cor!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41And watch again.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Something you won't know, Ker, is the last Thursday of every month
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I used to play pool with Fred West.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- What?- I know he's done some iffy things,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09but as a builder he was top-notch,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10best in the West Country.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Really?- We'd say, "West, best in the West."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
0:12:17 > 0:12:21He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And there's only one other bloke that can do that...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26and that's my old man.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and we should be arriving 15 minutes ahead of schedule.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Now I'd like to pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry
0:12:43 > 0:12:44for an update on the weather.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Hello, this is Kerry speaking.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The weather in Frankfurt is 21 degrees Celsius.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51We wish you a pleasant stay in Frankfurt
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and we hope to see you all again soon
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and on behalf of all of our crew,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58thank you for choosing Martin Mucklowe Airlines
0:12:58 > 0:12:59as your airline today.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Right, off to bed, you.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06We've got a return flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles
0:13:06 > 0:13:09in approximately five hours and 42 minutes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Roger that. I love you, Dad.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Yeah.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27'The key to dating, yeah, is the two Rs and the three Ts.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29'Respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.'
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Don't ever let that ball hit the ground.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35'Good relationships are built on great conversation.'
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Plastering... - Right, time's up, fuck off.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10On a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12because that's what they'll be interested in.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14BIRDSONG
0:14:14 > 0:14:16KAYLEIGH SNIFFS
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I don't smoke, I vape.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28I said, I don't smoke, I vape.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I went to this vaping exhibition, with my cousin, Kerry.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45At the NEC and there was about 10,000 of us just vaping.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yeah, I was on the bus the other day, yeah, and...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02..I was sitting at the back of the bus
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and the bus driver suddenly stopped the bus, yeah, and goes...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and he walked all the way down, and goes to me,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11"You can't smoke on here."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Guess what I was doing.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Vaping.- Vaping, yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22- Yeah, that's him. - ENGINE STARTS
0:15:22 > 0:15:25That's good, good girl, yeah, that's him.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27All right, then.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32That's it, back her up, back her up, easy with her.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That's it, she's biting.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39She's biting, go on. That's it, she's biting.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Keep going, easy on the clutch, though.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Easy on the clutch. Get that right, yeah, the timing, Ker.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53DOG BARKS
0:15:54 > 0:15:57What sort of dog do you reckon that is?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03He said to me, he goes, "You can't smoke on here."
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I said, "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08The look on his face when I said that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I don't think he knew what vaping... what a vape is.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15I think it's a Labrador.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27That's better. That's it, that's good.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Go on, my son, yeah, that's better.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yeah, well done.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Well done, my son.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Oh...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43..that's for you as well.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Look how cute that is.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Yeah, open it up.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Read that.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"You would make me the happiest mouse
0:17:09 > 0:17:13"if you say yes and become my spouse."
0:17:25 > 0:17:28'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh for one day,'
0:17:28 > 0:17:32but things move fast in the village. If you don't snap up your girl fast,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34some other fella might come sniffing round it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Not in a harsh way, but just to mark my territory
0:17:43 > 0:17:44and warn off other fellas.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Right, let me show you how to blind someone in a fight.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Ker!- Oi, I told you I don't want to see you,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'm spending time with my dad.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And this is my uncle Martin.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Much obliged.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Is it all right if Kayleigh has a piss in your caravan?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Yeah, but use the toilet, though.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Go on, then.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Oi, how's it going? - I think I bloody love her, Ker.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Really?- She's so bubbly.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Got her eating out of the palm of my hand as well.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25She loves the fact I vape.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- But you don't vape. - I know, but she don't know that.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29That's it. Where's she off?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Kayleigh?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Kayleigh!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- What the fuck? - Well, I didn't do nothing.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh, my God.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39You peeped on her, didn't you?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- No, I never. - Kurts...- You're a dirty peeper.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Don't say stuff like that. - He's a dirty peeping bastard.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Shut your mouth.- That's what you are. Everyone knows it, even Alan.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- I was doing so well, Ker.- Leave it, all right?- Bye-bye, little boy.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Now he's pissed on it, you peeper.- Oh, please, Kurt.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Wait till Alan finds out about this.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Kayleigh! Kayleigh!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01You dirty peeping bastard!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Kayleigh!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11So what did happen, then?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I was over where you are making a squash.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18And before I know it she bolts out the door like a feral pig.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So you did nothing at all, Dad?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Nothing, Ker. You do believe me, don't you?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Look, I wasn't going to tell you this
0:19:26 > 0:19:27but I'll bloody well have to now.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I'm flying to Australia this weekend and I want you to come with me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32What, as co-pilot?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No, as captain, dipstick.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You're joking!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Right, let's get the map out and plan the route.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Start here.- Heathrow? - Yeah, that's right.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And then we'll stop over at Singapore.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Right.- Stretch our legs.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49And then we'll carry on to Brisbane if the weather holds.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51How does that sound?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It sounds like the best day of my life, to be honest, Dad.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56PHONE RINGS
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Yep.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Speaking.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Right.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02OK. Yeah.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Right, OK. Thanks very much.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Bye now.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12They've only gone and bloody dropped the charges, Ker.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14You're joking me!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Bloody Sandra'll be sorry for kicking me out.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Turning her back on me. - Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I never turn my back on you, do I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Hey, are you going to get the beers in, then, or what?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Yeah, I was just saying, though, just us two now, yeah, Dad?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Shop'll be shut in half hour.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Yeah, sorry, Dad.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34COINS CLINK Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Right, see you in a minute, then.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51'I am raging now.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53'I'm proper raging, mate.'
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Kayleigh!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I've been looking everywhere for you.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58- You all right?- Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Did he touch you?- Who?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Kerry's dad.- No.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06He peeped on you, didn't he?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- No.- If he exposed himself to you, yeah,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I promise you I'll kill him with my own hands, yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- He didn't.- Well, he must have done something for you to run away,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18because that just doesn't happen.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26As if.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Kayleigh, did I bore you to tears?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Oh, my God.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You ran away cos I was boring you?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Is this a joke?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Look, let me take you out tomorrow, yeah, and we can just like...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- I can't.- Why?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46I got a boyfriend.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Who?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Slugs?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Seriously?
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Oh, my God.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I told my nan about you and everything.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06She was so excited about meeting you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Fuck...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Roses are red
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Violets are blue
0:22:13 > 0:22:14I've got five fingers
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The third one's for you.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18And you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Fucking hell.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Did you see that there? I am glad I'm out of that now.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Utter poison, the pair of them.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Fucking hell.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Dodged a bullet there, I think.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Thing is now, though, I feel bad for calling Martin a dirty peeper.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Do you know what? He might not even be a peeper after all.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47But if he is, he's probably just a part-time peeper.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51I just don't know why you'd say it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I know, I said I'm sorry, though, Ker.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Yeah, but it's not me you need to apologise to, it's my dad.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Yeah, I will.- So why did she run away, anyway?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Well...I didn't want to say, but apparently you gave her the creeps.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- What? Why? - Your face creeped her out.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So as much as I've got to apologise to you and your dad,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11you've actually got to apologise to me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13All right, well, sorry, Kurts.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Forgiven.- Dad, Kurtan's got something to say to you.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What are you doing?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Just packing. - What, for our flight to Australia?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Yeah.- It's a simulator, Dad, you don't need to pack a bag.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Hang on. What's this?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Gone back to Sandra, cheers, all the best."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- You're going back Sandra's?- Yeah.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36But aren't we going to do our flight to Australia?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- No.- But I thought it was just me and you now, Dad.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Ah, I got to go.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- You ain't going anywhere, mate. - Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44You can't do this to Ker.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You'd be letting her down again.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Again.- I don't need this.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Fuck off.- Don't fight. - Don't touch me, mate.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- I'm going to lay you out.- Come on, then! Come on.- No, stop it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Right. I'll knock you out.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on, then, Charlie large potatoes.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I don't land the first punch, I play Gypsy rules.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Yeah, well, so do I.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You're going to fight, are you?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Still kick you, though.- Pathetic.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Cock.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730
0:24:21 > 0:24:23departing London Heathrow.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25This is your captain Kerry Mucklowe speaking.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Our flight time is 24 hours and should arrive in Brisbane
0:24:28 > 0:24:31at approximately 1100 hours local time.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35This is a solo flight.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Don't let Sandra know,
0:24:42 > 0:24:47but on the last Thursday of every month I shag Alan's wife senseless.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49He says, "Martin, I can't get it up no more,
0:24:49 > 0:24:50"you're hung like an oxen..."
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- Yeah.- "..so give her a good stuffing to stop her nagging."
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And that's exactly what I does.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57I gives her the full works.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Alan occasionally comes in to get a pair of socks but personally I think
0:25:02 > 0:25:04he just comes in to see how I does it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08And afterwards we all go down the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.