0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:13 > 0:00:14We did that.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18"Darren Lacey is granny-bashing scum."
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- We should probably scrub that out. - Yeah.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Turned out his granny was actually bashing HIM in.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26With a fire poker, weren't it?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- Yeah, we should change that. - Yeah.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34"Granny is Darren Lacey-bashing scum."
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Kerry phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"Come quick, there's a hedgehog in the garden
0:00:50 > 0:00:51"that looks exactly like Grandad."
0:00:51 > 0:00:56So I got up, I got dressed and I ran over to Kerry's as fast as I could
0:00:56 > 0:00:58and then I just stopped in the middle of the street
0:00:58 > 0:01:00at three in the morning and thought,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02"What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I just can't open it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I just... I cannot open it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Oh, my God. I cannot open it, Vicar.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- Do you want me to open it? - No, I'll open it, snatchy!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Actually, yeah, you open it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I'm trying to encourage them to look beyond the confines of the village
0:01:21 > 0:01:23and think about their futures
0:01:23 > 0:01:26and maybe look at the bigger picture
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and have bigger dreams for themselves.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32They said yes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35You're joking me?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37You're joking me?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm not joking, Kurtan. You've got it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Seriously?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44No way!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, my God!
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- Seriously?- Yeah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Get in!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Oh, let me get a song up on YouTube.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You're going to absolutely love this, Vicar.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Here we go...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Listen to this. Oh, for fuck's sake, advert.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02This isn't it. This isn't it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Here we go, this is it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09# Always spend my life alone
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# Been searching for the place called home
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# I know that I've been cold as ice...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Can you feel the warmth, Vicar?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20# Ignored the dreams, too many lies
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Somewhere deep inside
0:02:24 > 0:02:27# Somewhere deep inside me
0:02:27 > 0:02:32# I found the child I used to be
0:02:32 > 0:02:35# And I know that it's not too late
0:02:35 > 0:02:37# Never too late...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Vicar, wait for this, Vicar. Honestly.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40# 3am !
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Wait for it. This is brilliant.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46# The painted cow
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Wait for it. This is it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Wait for the top.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- # Hiaaaaa! - Yeah!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04# I am the junglist soldier... #
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Vicar!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12No, no. Kurtan, no, not the cross.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Banging.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Did you see that?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19That was insane, wasn't it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Come on.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Have you ever done a pill, Vicar? - No.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Thanks to the Vicar helping me and that,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I got a place doing a GNVQ in health and social care at Swindon College
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and I'm going to be moving there in halls and everything.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39So, yeah, I'm basically going to start doing something with my life.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I think it's wonderful you want to help people, Kurtan.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43It's amazing I got in, isn't it, Vics?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45How many people do you reckon applied but didn't get in?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I imagine there were a few. - I reckon...loads.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50But I got in, didn't I?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Yes, I think it's great.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54But let's finish filling out these forms, shall we?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What do you reckon Kerry will say?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I'm sure she'll be over the moon for you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Where do I see myself in five years?
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Well, me and Kurtan will have a flat in the middle of the village
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and all of our furniture will be inflatable
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and we'll have a Sky box
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and it will pay for itself,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Ker.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Oh, you're not going to believe this.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Me and Levi have created this gang called the Dump Gang
0:04:28 > 0:04:32and we're going to build a den at the dump out of old car parts.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And we've found this washing machine that we're going to use as a safe,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37so if you want anything putting in there, you've got to tell me now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Right.- What were you talking to the vicar about?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Nothing.- Well, why wouldn't you let me in earlier?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Because we were talking about man stuff.- I can talk man stuff.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Yeah, but not that sort of man stuff. You wouldn't understand.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I think I would understand, thanks. What's the massive secret?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55The vicar's got a problem with his ball bag, all right,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57so stop going on about it, yeah?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58What sort of problem?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02One of them's turned hard, like a stone.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Now, can you stop with the questions, please?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, hello, Kerry.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Has he told you yet?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Yeah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And what do you think?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I don't really know what you want me to say, to be honest.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, I'll give you two some more time to let it sink in, shall I?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Why is he so proud about it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I don't know. Now, come on.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I wouldn't be shouting that.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yeah, I am going to tell Kerry, and soon,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40because apparently word's getting around,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42but I've just got to try and find the right moment.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44You know, I want to do it in my own time.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45I think it will be tough for Kerry.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50A lot of her peers have moved on already, so...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53she's been hanging out with a lot of year sevens.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57But of course, when they get to year 11, they move on, too,
0:05:57 > 0:06:02so Kerry's just found another batch of year sevens to hang out with
0:06:02 > 0:06:04until they move on.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That's the door. We did that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10There's Pork Chop. He's on security.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And Ball Of Laughs. Pick that up. Let me show you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Yeah, so we're going to have that on the door,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16so you use that as a door-knocker. I love that.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And come through in here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Oooh...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's all right, Pork Chop, he's with me. Just... OK?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And... Oh, close your eyes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Show him our best find, Levi.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29OK, one, two, three and open!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34What are you going to do with them?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Smash them on the road, probably, I would have thought.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- And...- Oh, because you're fastest in the gang, you get to wear this.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- No, not...- Sit still. Just once.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Not on my curtains now.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- All right?- What are you doing here?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Levi!
0:06:52 > 0:06:53No, we had a meeting about it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56We're still considering his application, Levi.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And you didn't use the door, which is really annoying.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00That counts against you, as well.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02The thing is about Slugs is,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05he'll turn up when you don't want him to
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and then you can barely understand a word he says, anyway.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Oh... My phone keeps doing that in my pocket.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21To who?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22What?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24You can be a bit annoying sometimes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Oh...! I never slag you off.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Is this about the Calippo, still?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Because you offered to buy me that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually let me pay for it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And...I offered you a Mini Milk, yeah, not a Calippo.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You know I don't like Mini Milks.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yeah, but a Mini Milk is 50p
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and Calippo was £1.20, just so you know.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You absolute arsehole.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I just knew at the time that you were being funny about that.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57What?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- What's wrong with you? - Are you actually?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08when are you going?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Pretty soon. - Why?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Don't know, I just want to do something.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Well, sadly, it is very difficult
0:08:27 > 0:08:29for young people to find work in the village.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Erm...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34And I think that particularly in Kerry and Kurtan's case, er...
0:08:34 > 0:08:38they could have really benefited from the routine and structure
0:08:38 > 0:08:40that would have brought to their lives.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49If he wants to go, good luck to him, I say.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I reckon he thinks that I can't live without him, which is a laugh,
0:08:52 > 0:08:57because he went a whole weekend away once to Brean Sands
0:08:57 > 0:08:58and I got on all right.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I just ended up following this cat around the village.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03DRILL WHIRS
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Levi, that needs to go way higher, mate.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Higher, higher...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08That's it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12No, I'm happy for him.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm not upset.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Kerry seemed to take it pretty well, if I'm honest.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Not what I was expecting after last time, though.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I went away, yeah, for just one weekend to Brean Sands
0:09:28 > 0:09:33and she was ringing me the entire time, texting me, texting my nan,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35phoning the caravan park reception.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Honestly, it was an utter nightmare.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And I said to myself, "I can't go away again."
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I am excited, yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Meeting new people, getting out of this shithole.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49instead of worrying about other people.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I want the smashed bathroom tiles cleaned up,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57because they are all over the road
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and the Portaloo's got to go back to the building site
0:09:59 > 0:10:02where you found it, please. And now. Because I mean now.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- You got anything to say to me first? - HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I don't know what you're talking about, Kerry.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- How about sorry?- Sorry for what?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Sorry for the massive knife
0:10:13 > 0:10:16that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Well, what do you mean?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Cos you stabbed me in the back.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Backstabber.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27I don't understand.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Why are you forcing Kurtan to move away when he doesn't want to?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I didn't force him. He came to me and I helped him.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You should be happy that he's happy, Kerry.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm not happy that he's happy.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'm only happy when I'm happy.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46And right now, I'm not happy with the fact he's happy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Look, I think you just need to have a chat with him
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- and understand where he's coming from.- Where he's coming from?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53What, studying health and social care?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54I don't even understand what that means.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56He wants to help people, Kerry.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57- He wants to feel worthwhile. - Help who?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Help who?- Like old people.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Old people are stupid old fucks who I hate.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Do you know, if two old people go out for a meal,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07they'll leave just as much mess as a baby in a high chair.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11That's a very offensive thing to say, Kerry.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Please leave and come back when you're being less vile.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Me being vile? I'm not the one who was going on about
0:11:17 > 0:11:19my rock-hard ball bag, mate,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21so you might as well just spread it around for everyone.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I've no idea what you're talking about.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- You never do, do you?- Come and see me when you've calmed down.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30A wolf in shepherd's clothing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38BIRDS TWITTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I had a call from the vicar this morning
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and apparently Kerry is not happy with me going away after all.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Brean Sands all over again...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I should have known it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52All right?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier
0:11:59 > 0:12:01about going away and that, it's just...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Can I just ask you an honest question?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Why would you want to leave the village
0:12:05 > 0:12:07when we've got a pub and a shop?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10If I'm honest, yeah, it's just...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Like, I'm just bored living round here now, I think,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16and I do think I've just outgrown this village now.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, what, so you've outgrown the parish church, have you?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Well, yeah. I have.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yeah, but what about the duck race, though?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Well, I'll just come back for the duck race.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- You can't just come back for the duck race.- Why?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Because you can't just dip in and out.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32You either dip in or you dip out.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33You can't dip in and out.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It doesn't work that way.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Ker, aren't you just bored?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45No. I'm not, mate. I'm not bored.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Like...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52..we spent all of last week, yeah, trying to get a pound coin
0:12:52 > 0:12:55out of a well with a magnet on a piece of string.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- So?- That's all we did!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Well, you know that's rubbish, because we did bury the dead carp,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01as well, so...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Look, can I just talk to you, like, alone
0:13:04 > 0:13:06for, like, two minutes, please?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Just so I can talk, like... I just want to...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Yeah?- Oh, fine, whatever.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Please?- Yeah.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Two minutes, though.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Everyone we grew up with, yeah, all our mates have moved on.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Like Darren Lacey and Kirk, they share a flat in Stroud now.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Do you remember that Christmas when they came back, yeah,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31and they drove us to McDonald's
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and we had to sit and watch them eat their McDonald's
0:13:33 > 0:13:35because we couldn't afford any?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And all they could bang on about was how good it was working at Halfords.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40So?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Like, I was embarrassed, mate.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I honestly went home that night and just bawled my eyes out
0:13:47 > 0:13:50because I know that they've moved on and I haven't
0:13:50 > 0:13:54and I'm stuck in this life, going nowhere.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Like, when I bump into people I know in the street, yeah,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03my heart sinks, because I know what they're going to ask me.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Oh, all right, Kurtan, what are you up to now?"
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Well, I haven't got nothing to say, because I ain't up to anything.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12And I ain't been up to anything since I left school.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Do you know what I think?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I think you don't know how lucky we have it
0:14:16 > 0:14:18to be doing nothing with our lives, like.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21We're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23No...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25That's... You don't get it, do you?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27No, what I don't get is you going behind my back,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30wanting to leave me here on my own. That's what I don't get.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Why can't you just be happy for me?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Do you know what you're like? You're selfish.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Me selfish?- So selfish.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- I'll tell you what you're like, then.- Yeah, go on.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Actually, no, I won't, because it'll upset you.- No, go on.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You started now, so you might as well.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You're like Tony from Hollyoaks.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Everyone else has moved on,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52but you're staying where you are, yeah, year in, year out,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56doing the same old shit, hanging on to the same old shitty memories.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Do you know what?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Good luck with it all, yeah?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23SHE SNIFFLES
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- VICAR:- Yes, they have had a bit of a falling out, which is unfortunate.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35But when you've been as close
0:15:35 > 0:15:38as Kerry and Kurtan have been for so long, that's understandable.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And, erm, I think it's my job to...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45try and help them see each other's point of view.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48But ultimately, I'm confident they're mature enough
0:15:48 > 0:15:50to put this behind them.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- Can I play?- No!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Well, right, I'm going to tell the vicar, then,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- if you don't let me play! - OK, bye!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59SHE SNIFFLES
0:16:02 > 0:16:07OK, right, you're both going to have your say, so let's begin.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Kerry, would you like to speak first?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11What would you like to say?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Firstly, Grand Theft Auto Five.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16We bought that together, so who's going to keep that, then?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Well, she can have it during the week and I'll have it at weekends.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Does that work for everyone? - No, not for me.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Because I'm not happy with my half of Grand Theft Auto
0:16:26 > 0:16:30being passed around some crappy halls like some pig on market day,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33getting scuffed or lost or stolen.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- I'm not happy with that. - Just have it, then.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38No, I can't have it. Because it's not rightfully mine.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I believe that maybe we'll have to do some sort of a changeover,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44through either you or a contact centre.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Fuck, fine.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- OK, then.- There's another thing, as well, I just want to say.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I've got a Pog that I gave to him ages ago.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I didn't actually give it, I lent it to him,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57that I actually need back now.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- What Pog?- It's shiny.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I lent it to you ages ago and I really want it returned.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Oh, my God...!
0:17:04 > 0:17:05This is baffling.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Are you not baffled by this? That was probably at school.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I've moved house, yeah, three times since then.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I want you two to be on good terms for when Kurtan leaves.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Did you see that sort of behaviour that I'm having to put up with?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20I'm just asking for my Pog to be returned before he fucks off
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and leaves me all my own with a Grand Theft Auto to look after.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- I am being very calm. - OK, Kerry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Kurtan, will you be able to look for Kerry's Pog?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I can look, but I won't find it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33That sort of attitude I've had to put up with for 20-odd years.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- I'm not surprised. - Yeah, and I've had to put up with
0:17:36 > 0:17:38that nagging old bellshaft for 20-odd years.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Come on, what did I just say? - That's another thing.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I want ownership of the words - bellshaft, wankcoin and arsepirate.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Because I made them up.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I don't want them being bandied around a college
0:17:47 > 0:17:49with him taking ownership of them, because that's not right.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Fine, then. I want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- OK, right, that's enough. - Fine!- Fine.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I do want that in writing, though, by the way.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I actually...cannot wait to leave this shithole.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yeah, and I actually cannot wait for you to leave this shithole.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I had this come through the post.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And I've got a few concerns about it.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Not the sort of guy I was expecting, if I'm honest.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, the big day is approaching
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and I can tell Kurtan is a little anxious.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42This morning, we had a few effs and jeffs flying around,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44but that's totally understandable, as he's on edge.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I ain't joking now, Vicar.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48This is starting to stress me out a little bit.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Look, Kurtan, I'm sure the pattern on the carpets in the classrooms
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- aren't going to be a problem.- How many times do I have to tell you?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Swirls on carpets freak me the fuck out.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57What if I have an epileptic fit?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I'm feeling light-headed just thinking about it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Kurtan, I know you're feeling a bit anxious, it's a big step,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05but it's normal to feel this way.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08And another thing. I've been looking at the menu in the cafeteria, yeah,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and I wonder if you could be so kind in telling me
0:19:10 > 0:19:11what the fuck is pesto?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16So, as I say, he's a bit on edge,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18but we've had a good chat
0:19:18 > 0:19:22and I think he's, erm...really looking forward to it again now.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I don't want to be saying this again.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29If you want to get into Dump Gang headquarters, use the door.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30That's what it's for.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33'Yeah, I haven't seen Kurtan in a while.'
0:19:33 > 0:19:34But I'm doing all right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I've got the Dump Gang and we're tight as fuck.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You know, it's so simple.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42All you have to do is go, "Knock-knock. Who's there? Slugs.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"What's the password?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"Dump Gang. Can I come in?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"Yes, you can come in, because you did it correctly."
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You know?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- You all right, Kerry? - No, I'm not all right!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Just, people just need to start, you know,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58treating this place with some respect.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Who gave Molehill the hoover bag hat? He's banned!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He went to the toilet in the office.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Just give me that, now.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Everyone, Pork Chop, get everyone out, please.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Use the door!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Use the door!
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Just...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Thank you, Pork Chop.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46So...the coach leaves in half an hour.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yes. I'm not dumb, Vicar.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Why are you trying to stress me out?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You know I'm already stressed out as it is.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It's all right, Kurtan, come on. Everything is going to be fine.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58KURTAN SIGHS
0:21:07 > 0:21:09CAR STARTS
0:21:17 > 0:21:20It's a shame Kurtan's gone because, just this minute,
0:21:20 > 0:21:21I've come up with a business idea...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26..that he would have absolutely lapped up like a thirsty mule.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32It's basically this idea for a taxi company called Aardvark Taxis,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34because aardvark's got two As in it,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36so it's the first in the phonebook.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So when you open up the phonebook, it's the first one you see.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And on the open day, I'm going to dress up like an aardvark
0:21:44 > 0:21:48and hand out balloons with a taxi number to little kiddies.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51KNOCK ON DOOR
0:21:51 > 0:21:52What's the password?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I found that Pog of yours.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Do you still want it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Can you just post it through the letterbox, please?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Is that position still going for fastest in the gang?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21No, Molehill's got it now by default.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Well...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I've decided to take a gap year out now, so...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32if you need someone to hold the title for a year, I could do it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34What, so you ain't going now?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Well, I'm still going, but I'm going to take a gap year out first,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40just to prepare for it and that.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Can I come in?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- What's the password? - What is the password?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Dump Gang.- Dump Gang. - Come in.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03How's the vicar?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Just disappointed.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09How's his ball bag?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh, er...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15It just turned black and dropped off, I think.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I really liked the way you used the door.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I really like how...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- ..you respect my curtains. - Yeah, because they're fucking sweet.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Urgh!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Oh, careful!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Sorry.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Urgh!- Ah...!
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Can you help me down?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Here comes the fat king!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Here is the king!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49The fat...
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Argh!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Ow!- Oh...!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Look at that.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00This is our country!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02This country is ours!