0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14There you go.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16That's a steal, that - 50 quid.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah, I just...
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Have you got the computer bit, as well?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24What do you mean? It's all in here.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This is the monitor, so...
0:00:26 > 0:00:29..that's literally just the screen, and nothing else.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Cos, normally, this thing comes with both of these, it's a computer -
0:00:34 > 0:00:37and that's the expensive bit, really, that's the main thing.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Yeah. That's that.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41That's what that is.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I just... I...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yeah... OK.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Kurtan is not a natural negotiator,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54because he can't give a straight answer.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56That's why I go with him,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58because I'm not afraid to grab the bull by the horns
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and put the turkey on the table.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- What are you looking at? - Oh, nothing.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Are you looking at my collection of Compare The Meerkats.com?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Yeah.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts, haven't you?- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Cos he's the main one, and he's a laugh.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Right? But he's not the main one, but he's a laugh, in his own way.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Yeah.- And I think that's why they get on so well,
0:01:18 > 0:01:19cos they're both such a laugh -
0:01:19 > 0:01:22but I just need the baby Oleg, now, and then the set's complete.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- Yeah, yeah.- You don't know anyone selling a baby Oleg, do you?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- I don't...- Don't, sorry. - ..know of anyone.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Can you keep your ear to the ground, please?- Yeah, yeah, yeah, def...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Absolutely.- Definitely, definitely.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Well?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah, I just...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41It's...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45The thing is, it's just not really what I'm looking for at the moment.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50I... I'd still take it off your ha-hands...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54..for a small fee - sort of, fiver or something.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Higher than that, maybe, a little bit. Er...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I mean, what do you...? What's fair?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- 50 would be...better.- Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yeah.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- 50 quid!- I know.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10It ain't worth 50p.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13You didn't help, either. Could have said something.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- I did!- Well, you know it's not...- Did I not?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Yeah...- I was about to.- It's obvious there's no computer bit with this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- 50 quid! You know it's not worth... - Da! Da, Da!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- All right, Da? All right, Da?- All right.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Kurtan.- Yeah?- Got any work on? - Er...no. Why?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- I've got a job, if you fancy it.- Er...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Well, I haven't got any work on. - What sort of job?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that.- Yeah? Er...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- I ain't got any work on.- I dunno.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Cash in hand.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on.- Yeah.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven. - Yeah, nice one.- Yeah, I...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- I haven't got any work on. - Good, then.- Yeah.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- All right, see you, Da. - Cheers, Mart.- See you.- All right.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It would've been nice to work with my dad and the lads,
0:02:56 > 0:02:57but, if I'm honest,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00it's probably best I keep my head down at the moment, anyway.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and I don't know who's doing it -
0:03:05 > 0:03:09and I am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11so, if somebody attacks me from the sides
0:03:11 > 0:03:14or snipes at me from an upstairs window, I am fucked -
0:03:14 > 0:03:16but my hearing is excellent, see?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20So, I just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar,
0:03:20 > 0:03:21and I'll be fine, then.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- KNOCK AT DOOR - Mum, can I come in?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Well, do you think you can go to the shop?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Cos we're out of loo roll.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I can't. What if I get attacked or something?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42SHE COUGHS
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I ain't worried about the physical nature of the job.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I've done my fair share of physical stuff.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55The only thing I'm worried about
0:03:55 > 0:03:57is fucking spending the whole day with fucking Martin.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59A few rules.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- No moaning, no complaining, no negative Nancies.- OK.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04If you don't like the work, the circus is in town
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- and they're always looking for clowns.- Right.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- 30 minutes for lunch.- Right.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Any longer than that gets taken out of your wage packet...- OK.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15..and every Tuesday's cake Tuesday,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17where you bring in a cake that you've baked
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- for us all to share.- OK.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Whoever has the least delicious cake
0:04:20 > 0:04:22has to buy the rounds in at the Keeper's.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Right, OK.- Yeah.- Yeah, that's fine.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- Er... Your mug is your own responsibility...- Right.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33..and if I find your dirty mug sitting in the van,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I'll have absolutely no hesitation in smashing it in the road. Capeesh?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Yeah. Understood.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39There you go.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Just pop those next to the cement mixer.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Jesus Christ.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Kurtan's just going to drown like a pig in the sea.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48You know, it's all well and good him doing this job,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51but if they start taking the piss out of his nan or his birthmark,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53his soul is just going to crumble to dust.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Christ, you watch the Swindon game last night?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Course I did.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What a joke.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Some of them are not fit to wear the shirt, I say.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Ker said to me, she goes, "You know that Luke Norris?"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07She goes, "He gets paid two grand to play football."
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I said to her, "He doesn't get paid two grand to play football,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"He gets paid two grand to fall on his arse the whole game."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Sorry, Kursty, can I just have a word, mate?- Yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Martin don't like it when other people make jokes on the site.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- He's the only one who is allowed to make the jokes on-site.- Right. OK.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So, that's that... and, on top of the joke,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33never, ever joke about Swindon Football Club, ever.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Especially Luke Norris.- Right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- and he basically sees Luke like a son.- OK.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So, if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me,
0:05:43 > 0:05:44and I'll pass them on to Martin,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and let you know if you find some funny or not, all right?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Yeah. That's fine.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Cheers, Dan.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56but it will not protect you from banter.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Where's your mug, then?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, shit.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I left it in the van.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Sweep that up, Kurst.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Yep.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Sort it out, Kursty.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Got another letter today,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and I think it's the worst of the lot.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I'm no closer to finding out who it is, either.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45which means they probably know where I live.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47KNOCK AT DOOR
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Oh, all right, Mand?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50All right, Ker?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Yeah, just thought I'd let you know, I've got the baby Oleg, now,
0:06:53 > 0:06:54from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56so, the set's complete,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58if you want to come round and have a look at 'em,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01cos I remember you saying how much you like the set, didn't you?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05- You all right?- Yeah.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06What's the matter with your face?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Have you gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, or what?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11No, I ain't gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, I just...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I should hope not - I've come all the way over here,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16cos you said about the baby Oleg, and I thought you was interested.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Yeah, no, I am - I am really interested in Oleg.- Right.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What's the matter, then?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29"Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"My latest was the best.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35"I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me
0:07:35 > 0:07:38"you want to sand down a chair leg,
0:07:38 > 0:07:44"so you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"and you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54The sick, sick bastard.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's all right, I'll help you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02You'll be safe with me, Ker.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Oh, cheers, Mand.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's all right, that's what I do.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17HE STRAINS
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh, dear! Oh, God...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Oh, no...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25OK...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Oh, dear.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, God. Oh, God.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36CLATTERING
0:08:36 > 0:08:38No, no...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40No.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41No, that's bad.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43HE STRAINS
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Ooh...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48And...
0:08:48 > 0:08:51..out it goes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52That's it.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Just like that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Right. Next load.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Just a quick question, Kursty.- Yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Are you going to do it like that every time?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- I-I shouldn't think so, no.- Right.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10OK.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11- MANDY:- Look at this.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Whoa.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I never leave the house without a pair of these.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16"Why?" You ask.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, this is why.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33That's...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- ..really good.- See that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Pure martial arts.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Yah! Like that.- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Do a defence, or...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- ..you can do a punching... - SHE LAUGHS
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Yeah.- Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47- Yeah.- I've got me range.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- What am I going to do now? Defence, or punch?- I don't know.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50We don't know, we don't know.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51It's a punch! Whaa!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53And I can get quite close to you.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Yes.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I ain't struggling. No.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13See you tomorrow.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16..and the relentless windups don't help, either -
0:10:16 > 0:10:18cos Martin and Dan, they had me looking for tartan paint
0:10:18 > 0:10:20for about 45 minutes today.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I should've known, after the tartan paint, that he was having me on,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31It took me half an hour to work out that...it's the same joke.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I can't present that tomorrow.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- Oh... They'll annihilate me. - That is sunken as hell.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Nah, you're all right.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Look, if you want the- ganache, - you'll have to frost it yourself.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01- The mix is in the bowl...- Mm.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- .but I ain't doing it for you, all right?- Nah, I'm just not hungry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07What?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08What?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- What's wrong?- Nothing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You're off your food, and that worries me greatly.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"I have been having intense fantasies about you
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"that I feel I must share with you.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36"My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty
0:11:39 > 0:11:43"cos you have been playing football in the park.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44"You smell of BO...
0:11:46 > 0:11:47"..but I don't mind.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52"You are so strong, your hands are like spanners.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"You lift me above your head
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"and throw me to the other side of the room,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"and smash me against the wall.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04"We arm wrestle, and when you beat me, you tell me how pathetic I am.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"I give you my belt to whip me with,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"and my trousers fall down,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14"and you laugh at my genitals."
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Threatening, innit?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- That's... - They want to beat me up, don't they?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yeah...
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I wouldn't say...
0:12:28 > 0:12:29It's sort of...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34They... They want... you to beat them up...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38..but I don't think they're beating you up.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Oh, really?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42That's all right, then.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43No. No, because...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Because they're getting, like, a...a thing out of it.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52What? What sort of thing out of it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Like... Well...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Like...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59A sexual thing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05This really is not a good situation for me.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08A physical threat is something that I can deal with,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies.- Go.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26What you got today, Dan?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Victoria sponge, mate. Classic. - Oh, ho, ho! Lovely.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Especially after your Battenberg disaster.- Cheers, Martin.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Right, Kurst, what's your offering today?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Well...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52There she is, in all her glory.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Lemon drizzle.- What's this?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Is that shop-bought?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Yeah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Sorry.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Look, I...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I did try and bake one myself, I did,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08but I just can't do it. I can't bake.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Listen.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13No baker gets it right the first time.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That is the beauty of baking.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's trial and error.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge
0:14:21 > 0:14:23without fucking up his Battenberg?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- No.- No way.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I mean, even the great Mr Kipling
0:14:26 > 0:14:29would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Yeah, I suppose he would.- You need to get some more confidence, Kurst.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Well, do you know what? I think...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- That's the right attitude.- Mm.- Yeah?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- But remember, you've got to do the forfeit.- Oh, yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Well, what do you mean?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Well, you brought in a shop-bought, so you got to do a forfeit, mate.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- That's the rules.- What forfeit?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Er...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Slap that drink out that woman's hand.- Yeah, go on, Kursty,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- that'll redeem you. - No, that's Slugs, I know him.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Yeah, but so what?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03It's just, I...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, grow a pair, Kurst.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11No, I ain't a fanny. I just...
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Oh, fuck...
0:15:12 > 0:15:13All right, Kurtan?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16All right, Slugs, mate?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21All right, mate, how's it going?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24It's not good.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Really? What's wrong?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Just really low, mate.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Why?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages
0:15:36 > 0:15:38to other guys on Facebook.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Shit.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Wh-What sort of messages?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Sexual, mostly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, God.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50So sorry to hear that, mate.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Thanks.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- She said she doesn't know what she wants.- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out.- Mm-hm.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- It's... It always... Yeah.- I hope so.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Just really fucked in the head, mate.- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- I don't know what to do.- Yeah.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15THEY LAUGH
0:16:15 > 0:16:17That was good.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Oh, nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It's all right, it's all right. It's all right.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time at my house
0:16:28 > 0:16:29for protection and that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32She reckons it could be quite serious,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and it could be very dangerous.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Isn't that right?- Yeah.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yeah, the reason I have offered to protect Kerry
0:16:39 > 0:16:44is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It got really bad at one point,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk
0:16:53 > 0:16:54at the Everyman Theatre...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57..I broke into their dressing room and just...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59..I stole all their shoes and that.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Police got involved.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I thought you were stalked on.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08No, I was the stalker.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Oh.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19That's just love, I suppose.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Cheers, John.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Shut up!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Fuckin' hell!
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Jesus.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Fuckin' hell!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06What did Sandra say? Oh, ho, ho! Did she found out?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Oh, fucking hell, really, though?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26TV: You lied to me, Mick.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I asked you. I asked you if you'd told me everything.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You kissed her twice, Mick.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I know.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47You not going to go home, do you think?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- No.- No...?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59You say that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You know that night's the most dangerous time, right?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Night-time was when I did all my business.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Who... Who was it that you did stalk?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I could... I'm not allowed to say who it actually is,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12but I can tell you that it was a member of S Club 7 -
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- but I can't tell you which one. - Really?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Was it Bradley?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19- Bradley?- No.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Paul?- No.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Jon's the other one.- No.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Tina?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28No.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Jo?- No.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Rachel Stevens.- No.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Hannah Spearritt?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Yeah, go on, my son. Wahey, there we go. There we go.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Fucking shots!- No...! - Yeah, let's do shots, come on!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55I don't know, mate.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Come on, John. Get the shots out.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Dan, you'll have a shot!- I don't know, maybe I will, maybe I won't.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Come on!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Maybe...- Do a shot! - He's doing it now, isn't he?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Come on, you big, bald fanny, do a shot!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Come on.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I don't mind getting them in. Honestly. You'll do one.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Yeah?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- How about one down the social, yeah? - Absolutely, mate, yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Let's do it now. - Where we going? Social?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Cheers, John, mate. - Yeah. See you, John.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- All right, see you... See you tomorrow, lads.- Yeah, yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Oh... Fuck.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Rack 'em up, then, John.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Fuckin' hell.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Quickly, mate!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Yeah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Fuck, what a night, tonight.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Absolutely battered last night.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Can't wait for a debrief with the lads, as well.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Cor! Last night was a random one, wasn't it?!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Cor.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Checked my phone this morning,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03only text my ex about six times last night!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06One of... One of them was a video of the crying for about 10 minutes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What a numpty.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Can't even remember getting home, either.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13So, you're not fit for work, then?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Well... We were all drinking last night.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Ain't we all a bit worse for wear? - No.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I can metabolise a pint in five minutes. Dan in seven.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27You, on the other hand, were taking the piss out of me and my site,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30and I've got two words for you, eh, Dan?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- See ya.- Yeah. See ya.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33What are you on about?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I don't work with clowns, I only work with kings.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40What, y-you're... You're sacking me?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What have I done? I haven't done anything wrong.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- What have I done wrong?- Well...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Is this about me calling you a big, bald fanny last night?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Cos the atmosphere just totally changed after that.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Yeah, well, to be fair, mate,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- it was bang out of order, wasn't it? - Oh, my...
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I knew it was. That... Do you know how sad that is?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01That is so, actually, sad, that makes me so sad for you,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03that you can't take a joke.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06That was just a joke, and you're sacking me for making a joke.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08That is... What am I going to do for work?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Go to joke school.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Well, if I need to go to joke school,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15you need to go back to shagging school, then, mate.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- What do you mean?- Yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18I overheard your Sandra in the post office,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20saying, yeah, you might have a big knob,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22but you don't know what the bloody hell to do with it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Right, that's it, you get off the site now.- I'm going, mate.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27All the gear, no idea.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I will not miss working for Martin Mucklowe.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36He is a disturbed individual.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Did you hear him say he got tossed off by his mother-in-law?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42She's 86.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I'd rather shag Kerry's mum...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49..and to think, he's done 'em both.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Yes!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Bakers...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07KNOCK AT DOOR
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Someone's here!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Whoa!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Are you all right?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- You was lucky.- Yeah.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Are you all right?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- How was work?- Oh...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- I got sacked.- Why?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I really can't be arsed explaining about it now.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26What are you playing?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Happy Families.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Can I play?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yeah, I've pretty much won this round, anyway.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39What's the rules, again?
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Mandy makes up the rules each... - I don't make 'em up.- No.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- That's what they are.- Yeah.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Two goes for the eldest... - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Which is Mandy.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Two cards - one, one, two.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58One, one, two.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01One, one, one, two.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04One, one, two.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- One, one, two... - LETTERBOX RATTLES
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Ooh, it's another letter!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10This is it! Right!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12MAN SHOUTS
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Get back, get back.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Oh...- Here he is.- Dan?!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- How are you doing, mate? - What the fuck?!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Sit down!- I'm not... All right! Christ!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I was just coming by to give Kurtan the recipe for my Victoria sponge,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25because I know how much he likes it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26What's this letter, then?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28That's not... That's just... I mean...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised
0:24:31 > 0:24:35"that you were dressed as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"and you were trying out some new boxing gloves,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"and you didn't have a punchbag,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"so I let you try them out on my balls."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Fuck's sake!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48This some sort of wankfest for you, is it?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Objectifying some poor girl for your own pleasure?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52It ain't like that, right?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I wank over her as a compliment.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Right? I don't mean nothing by it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Oh, it's a compliment, is it?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Kerry, how does it feel to have some dirty pervert wanking over you?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Er...
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Well...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Like, the strength stuff's all right.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14I think that's quite good.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's just the other stuff,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I really, really, really, really don't like it.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22All right, well, you know, I can respect that, and...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I think I just got a bit carried away with the whole thing.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I wouldn't do it if I knew you didn't like it, you know?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff about me being strong and that,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I don't mind...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34That's the bit I don't mind.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- No...- So, that's quite good. - Yeah, it's all right.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- There's no harm in it, is there? Strength stuff.- No.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- Can I just say one thing?- Yeah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- I didn't mind the strength stuff. - You didn't mind it?- No.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that.- Yeah, me, too.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50All right, then. Well...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- What if I was to write another letter, right?- Mm.- Right.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Bear with me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Kerry's working in the garage, right?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Strongest girl in the whole garage, right?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00She doesn't even need a jack to lift the car up,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02she does everything by her hands.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- That is strong. - Proper strong. Right?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07One day, Land Rover comes in, massive, right? Really heavy -
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and you end up actually lifting it so high,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12you lift the whole thing above your head, you're that strong.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13How's that?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15That... That's the end of the story?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Well, then, yeah.- That's good. - Yeah.- That's great.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- I think that's good, that's fine. - That's really good, that.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Yeah. It's good... It's a good story about strength...- Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27..and there is nothing sexual,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- and I'm happy with that, if you are. - I'm happy, yeah.- Now I know -
0:26:29 > 0:26:31cos I wouldn't write anything sexual about you.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Jesus, I don't want you coming round, beating me up.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Yeah, we would beat you up. - We'd beat you up.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, mainly Mandy, I know you're not really...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39No, I would beat you up, as well.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You're not really a fighter, are you?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I am a fighter. That's what I live for.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- What, you've been in fights? - Yeah, I've been in fights.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I was in a fight with Darren Macy at the bus...bus shelter.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I grabbed him by the hood and just smashed his face into a wall.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53So, if you ever send me a letter again, yeah,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I will absolutely batter you, mate.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Oh, Ker, Ker, Ker...- What?!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- You've given him a stonk on. - Oh, my God.- Oh, Christ.- Well...
0:27:03 > 0:27:04All right, let's get out of here.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- All right!- Come on, you. - Christ, I'm going.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- All right!- Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11All right, Christ!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Well, that was fucking weird.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Yeah.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Are you all right?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24I think so.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Do you want to play Happy Families?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- I'm so relieved all that is just finished with.- Yeah.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46It's not even him, it was her.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Oh?- I just thought she'd never, ever leave.