0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17WOMAN SCREAMING
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Mum gets night terrors when she sleeps during the day.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27But, like, she's literally,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29like, that close to falling off her bed as well.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31But apparently you can't wake them up
0:00:31 > 0:00:33when they're having night terrors,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36because they can have a heart attack, or even worse,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38they could foul themselves.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39MUMBLING, LOUD THUMP
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Shit!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42MUMBLING CONTINUES
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, it's all right, she's still asleep.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Hello. Hi.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Um, yeah, I need the timetable for the 51 bus, please.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- 51?- Yup.
0:00:58 > 0:01:0051...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- VOICEOVER:- So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx
0:01:02 > 0:01:04in Swindon, and I have to go tomorrow
0:01:04 > 0:01:06cos it's the first Saturday of the month,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08and that's when all the new stock is released.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And if I leave it any later, it'll just be the dregs left.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15But getting there is an absolute nightmare.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Right. Right.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Down.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Cos these places can't afford to pay people,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25they get any old fuck-up to come in and volunteer,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and no-one can have a go at them for fucking it up
0:01:28 > 0:01:29because they're fucking it up for free.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32That's, that's...
0:01:32 > 0:01:33..opening times at Bird Land.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You should know that, cos there are two penguins on the front.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Oh, yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Um, is there anyone here who works for money, that I could...?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Oh, only me, I'm afraid. - Right.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Ooh, Len!- What?- Len, you don't know about the bus, do you?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- It's fine...- The bus? What bus? - It's fine.- The 51.- Don't...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Honestly, don't get him involved, it's fine...- The 51?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54- Good luck with that, mate. - Well done.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- No-one ever catches the 51. - Yeah, OK.- You can't get it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Yes, I think there is a strain on local services in the village.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04There's certainly a lack of funding.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- You could be waiting for hours to get the 51...- OK.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- ..and it won't come. - Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13And as a village, we have had to rely on volunteers,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16who, may I add, are all absolutely fantastic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Oh, fuck's sake!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23All right, I've got football training this morning.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Basically, every Saturday for the last few weeks,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28the vicar's started footy practice at the park.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And he's letting me help him run it.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Fuck! Where's my England shirt?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Mum! Mum!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Where's me England shirt?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Me England shirt. I can't find it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, shut up! I haven't.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I haven't done that.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Just...don't listen.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Just...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08..stupid.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I don't fancy Cain Dingle.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I just respect him, because he's the only one in his family
0:03:20 > 0:03:21who's got his head screwed on.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Aah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28We, er, did have a few sports clubs in the village,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31but sadly the funding stopped and the clubs ended,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34so, er, I've tried to get things going again by helping
0:03:34 > 0:03:36organise some football training.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I know how important it is to get young people active.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Kerry, if you don't mind distributing those,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43that would be great.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Just to remind you, remember the instep, trap, pass.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Trap, pass.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- VOICEOVER:- Although I don't consider myself
0:03:50 > 0:03:51much of a sportsman these days,
0:03:51 > 0:03:56I was quite a handy goal attack in my university netball team.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04because I had a bit of a temper on court.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Thankfully, I don't have to get a bus to go to Swindon now
0:04:12 > 0:04:14to go to TK Maxx.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Vicar said he'll drop me off after football practice.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19To be honest, I don't know why anyone bothers
0:04:19 > 0:04:23going to that football practice. It's a freak show.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Hello?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28What's happened?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ohh! Typical.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34I'm coming now.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Something's happened with Kerry at football, so...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40..I'd better go.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49What happened?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No, she slipped awkwardly on the grass.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55She's, she's in agony, I'm taking her to A&E...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Pork Chop basically slide tackled me for absolutely no reason.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Now I actually can't feel my leg.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Well, we'll just drop her off first, then, shall we?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03And then go to TK Maxx.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I can't even think about that right now, Kurtan.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07I'm just getting the car, just stay there.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- All right? - You all right?- No.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What happened?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12It was Pork Chop.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14And Slugs.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But he slide tackled me...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19..out of spite, because I was scoring too many goals.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I think I'm going into shock, Kurtan.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I'm in so much pain!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Kerry has a very low pain threshold,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32but a very high emotional pain threshold.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Like, I've been with her when she's knocked on her dad's door
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and you can hear him inside going, "Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"
0:05:38 > 0:05:42and literally nothing from her, not even a tear.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46But Kerry physically can't deal with pain.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48OK.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I really don't think we've got to go to A&E, though.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Look, we do, Kurtan, actually. - I really don't think she needs...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Kurtan, I'm going to need your help, all right?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57One, two, three, and lift!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59KERRY GASPS
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Vicar! Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.- Sorry, sorry.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Swivel round, and just put your bottom in first...- OK, OK.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10There we go, you're in. Well done, Kerry. Well done.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Well done, Kerry.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- I have to go to TK Maxx today. - Look, Kurtan, not now.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I can't go tomorrow, can't go next day.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You did say, though, didn't you?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- That I could go to TK Maxx today... - Kurtan, not now.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25All right? Can you just get in the back, please? Please, come on.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Vicar!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Vicar!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Vicar, oi!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- What is it, Len? - You can't be driving on here.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yes, I know, but actually, if you can see...
0:06:42 > 0:06:43You can't be driving on here, Vicar.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm aware of that, Len, it's an emergency.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Well, emergency or no emergency,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49old Graham's not going to be happy, his tarmac...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- SHOUTING:- Oh, for goodness' sake, Len, just move on!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Excuse me. Mind yourself.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I can't believe you shouted at Len!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Yes, well...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That was brutal!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09He looked like he was going to cry.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19OK, take it slowly, Kerry. You're doing really well.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20There we are.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23OK, just...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24..just a few more.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Hello, somebody been in the wars?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah, me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30OK, can I take your name, love?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Kerry Mucklowe.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Kerry... And how are we spelling that?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40OK. And what's the symptoms, what's the matter?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Um, I basically smashed my leg to smithereens.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well, maybe, we don't know yet.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I can't feel it. It's just from about there to about there.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And it's completely swollen as well.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51It might be a fracture, but we don't...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54All right, if you want to go and take a seat in the waiting room,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57love, we'll get someone to come and see you as soon as we can.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- OK, thank you.- Thank you. Now, take it slowly, Kerry.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That's it. There we go.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03KERRY GASPS IN PAIN
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Yeah, how soon do you think that will be?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09What, till she's seen? Well, we'll go as quick as we can,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12so it will depend how many people are in there and, you know,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15the urgent cases, they will take priority.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Sort of roughly...?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- As soon as we can, my love, all right?- All right, yep.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Yeah, nice...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Gareth Williams, please?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Thank you. >
0:08:40 > 0:08:41So, um...
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Why?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58What's that mean?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07So, will you get in trouble?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But it did happen at football training.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25So you want me to lie?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Mmm...
0:09:35 > 0:09:37What do you think God will think about that?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47No, he won't. He won't.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Ugh! Fine.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59But when I lie in future, I don't want a massive lecture on how bad
0:09:59 > 0:10:02lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Fine, fine.- Yep?- Right, I've got to check on the parking.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07OK. Sorry.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Stay there, it's all right.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Just one thing.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Just so you know - the clock is ticking
0:10:12 > 0:10:16and the best bargains are probably being snapped up as we speak.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18TK Maxx.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21..I can't think about that right now.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23We've got to just concentrate on Kerry.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- We've got to look after her, we've got to stay with her...- I know.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I asked you about going to TK Maxx before she got...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I've got to do the parking meter, all right?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Can we... Can we just have this conversation a bit later?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Will you look after Kerry?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36See if she needs a drink or something.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Right? Sorry...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I'd quite like a Coke.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42If that's all right.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- VICAR:- I do enjoy spending time with Kerry and Kurtan,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52although sometimes they do act a little bit younger than their years,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and that can be...challenging.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Are you getting a signal in here? - What?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Are you getting a signal in here? - Why, who are you calling?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Levi.- Why?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09All right, Levi?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You'll never guess where I am.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hospital, yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Basically smashed my leg to fuck.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Yeah.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because...
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31..the pieces smashed up.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Yeah.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37All right, cheers, mate. See you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55All right, Fries? You'll never guess where I am.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Hospital, yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yeah, I basically just smashed my leg to fuck.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Yeah, well, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do about it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's going to be like gluing back a breadstick after it's been
0:12:10 > 0:12:12in a blender, innit?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yeah.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16All right, you spread the word for me, yeah?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18All right, cheers, mate.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yeah, see you. Bye.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The trouble with my lifestyle is, I pick up a lot of injuries.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31But I use that to my advantage.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Like, there's one time I started a fight club in the village hall,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and I got a black eye from beating myself up.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39But it made my enemies think,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"Fuck, if she can do that to herself,
0:12:42 > 0:12:43"what the fuck can she do to me?"
0:12:46 > 0:12:49It's an absolute nightmare, there's literally no parking spaces.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I've been driving round for the last 20 minutes,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53had to leave it in a disabled parking bay.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Um, have you, er, have you been seen yet?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- No. - Have they asked you any questions?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Oh, chill out, I'm not going to rat you out
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- for not having any insurance! - Sh, sh, sh, sh!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Right, right, OK, I'm going to move the car. Back in a sec.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12His arsehole's like that.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Yeah, it is.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:13:26 > 0:13:28All right, Big Job?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32KURTAN SIGHS Hospital.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oh, you heard?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Yeah, I just absolutely smashed my leg to fuck...- Oh, fuck off!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well, I don't know, I think I've...
0:13:40 > 0:13:44..I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Well, I was just saying, it's like...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53..you know, gluing a breadstick back together
0:13:53 > 0:13:55after it's been in a blender.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59All right, cheers, mate.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Oh, God. - What?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- The vicar. - What about him?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- He has lost his head. - Why?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11You have to see this. He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- He's having a breakdown. - What?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16I knew this day would come.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He has genuinely lost it.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20He has lost his mind!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- I'll tell you what that is. - What?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23- Horn rage. - What's horn rage?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28you get horn rage. Me and Kurt used to get it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home
0:14:32 > 0:14:34after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness
0:14:43 > 0:14:46and light. But in reality, he can really lose his shit.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan
0:14:48 > 0:14:52to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- and went, "Eugh, wax cave." - Yeah, it was.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58And the vicar was so furious, he literally picked up a road atlas
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and thwacked Kurtan with it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02And Kurtan phoned the police.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- It was assault. - Mm.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, are you joking me?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Don't whack it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Fuck, it's just taken my money.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Fuck's sake!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I shouldn't even be here.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Oh, why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Cos unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'm not a fashion disaster.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43- You are! - Am not.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Everyone thinks you are. You know, would it kill you
0:15:46 > 0:15:49for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51This IS an official England shirt.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53No! No.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Kerry, how many lions are on the shirt?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Four.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Yeah, and what's the famous song called,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01about having lions on your shirt?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Three Lions On A Shirt. - Thank you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Kerry ain't into fashion, as you can tell.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15She looks an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Right, if you want to wait for a minute...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Oh, shit.- What? - Fuck, it's my ex.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, fuck. Did she see me?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I don't know. I don't think she did, no.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35She's going to want to get back with me as well.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37That is so embarrassing.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Fuck.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- What's she doing? - Who's that?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- That's her... - What the f...?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- That's her boyfriend. - No!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48That is. He just kissed her.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- He did! - I cannot believe that.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Can't believe that. - What?- No, it's...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07The point is she's moved on so fast. It's only been five weeks.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12and I only went out with her for half a day.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was it was
0:17:15 > 0:17:17a case of right person, wrong time.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and she had her cycling proficiency coming up.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29So her head was all over the shop.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh! I cannot believe that.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38What?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook
0:17:43 > 0:17:46when I was still going out with her.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That is...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49F...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51That tells you everything, doesn't it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55The guy was trying to worm his way in from then.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Shit. - What a...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59What a snake in the grass.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00That is F...
0:18:02 > 0:18:06I swear to God, if I see him here again, I swear to God I will have no
0:18:06 > 0:18:09hesitation in just going up to him, and just planting one on his face.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- I will, honestly. I will tear his head off.- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Don't even care. Don't care at all.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Excuse me.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17What?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Could you keep it down, please?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Sorry, do you work here? - No.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Nosey old cock womble.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- She's absolutely livid. - Kerry Mucklowe.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Yes.- Hi, Kerry. We're going to take you down for an X-ray now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- OK. - All right, take your time.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41OK.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'll give you a hand. Up you come.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Take your time. - Mm-hm.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Oi, Kurtan. - All right, Mand?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You being rude to my mum?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The problem with living in a village like this is
0:18:59 > 0:19:02that you're always bumping into the local nut jobs.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04No-one knows where they stand with Mandy,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06because she is so unpredictable.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- You've been rude to my mum. - No.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she? - No.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- So you HAVE been rude to my mum? - Yeah... No.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Oh, is this...? Is this about keeping it down?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21So I ain't leaving here until you tell me
0:19:21 > 0:19:24word by word what you just said to my mum.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28HE EXHALES SHARPLY
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- I was just chatting. - Yeah?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Quietly. - She said you was chatting loudly.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Well, could have been, I suppose.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40- Loudly. - Go on.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42And then I...
0:19:42 > 0:19:47I just said, "Oh, sorry, do you work here?"
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- And what did she say? - She...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54She didn't really say anything, she just walked off.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56And that was that, really. And it's... Mm-hm.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I think you might be missing something.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Er...
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Don't think... No, don't think so.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- No?- That was it, yeah. - Yeah?- Mm.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10No, I think you might have said something else.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Er...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well, I...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I can't really remember what I said now.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Oh, so you DID say something else?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Yeah.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26What did you say, Kurtan?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34And I want it word by word.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I called her...
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Yeah?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- ..a nosey... - Yeah?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49- ..old... - Yeah?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- ..cock... - Yeah?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55..womble.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Here, I'm just messing with you!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I'm just joking!
0:21:09 > 0:21:10That's not really my mum!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14MANDY LAUGHS
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- That wasn't your mum? - No, I just heard that
0:21:17 > 0:21:20nosey old cock womble complaining about you at reception.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22And I thought it was funny, I thought, "I know what I'll do -
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"I'll go in there and wind him up, and have a laugh with him!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Oh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32If I walk past her in the street and say, "Hi,"
0:21:32 > 0:21:34she'll tell me to fuck off.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice Christmas card.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You know, there's just no consistency there.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42How's Kerry, then? She all right?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- She's just having an X-ray done. - Oh, bless her.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, listen, you take care and send her my love, yeah?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Thank you.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Yep, OK...
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Oh, God. Oh, no. Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- The X-ray came back. - Oh, no, it's broken.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26No, it's not broken. She's going to be fine.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Not broken? - No.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It's very badly bruised.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And I asked if I could have a cast or if I could have crutches,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and they said no.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Thank the Lord! It's not broken!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It's not broken. Thank you so much, thank you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- No problem. - What does she need to do?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Yes, you said. - Thank you.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- So she'll be good. - Wonderful. Let's get you home.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry. - Thank you. Bye!- Bye!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Badly bruised. I could have told you that six hours ago.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I know. It's good to get it checked, though.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Absolute waste of a day!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- All right?- Hi.- All right?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13He's good-looking up close, isn't he?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Shut up!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29What?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What?!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying. It's the sodium in it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Golden Dragon!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Worst thing the vicar could ever have done
0:23:57 > 0:24:00is told me he hadn't got any insurance.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01I've got him right here.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Made him get me that.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10And tomorrow, he's taking me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And he's giving us £5 each to spunk on the fruit machines
0:24:12 > 0:24:14at the service station on the way down there.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Don't show me any weakness, because I will take advantage.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25It's what I do.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Got what you wanted, did you?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Mm?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Now you've made me look like a prat.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I think it really suits you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55KURTAN SCOFFS
0:24:57 > 0:25:01The devil doesn't come in a cloak and pointy horns.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.