0:00:14 > 0:00:17INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS
0:01:21 > 0:01:23What's the matter with you, Ashley? You're miserable.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I'm not that bad. At least I'm not a psychopath!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- You're a hoarder, Ashley. - No, I am not.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- You belong in a shock-doc. - No, I do not.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31What's going on?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- She's doing a toss-out. - For the second-hand shop.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38No, no, I am not having some hippy get his hands all over my Duff mug.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41No! And... What? Not the Amstrad!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Or the brochures... Not the double poncho!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Double? What's a double? - Alton Towers.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Room for two humans?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Found it in the nook, the nook in the boiler room,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- where she puts things, before they get bumped off.- Not officially.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54The zone between the living and the dead.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Oh, like where you put Nana. - No, we are not discussing that, Tom.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Sheltered accommodation,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Tom - she's got a Hitachi TV, she's living the effing dream!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We bought this on our first date, Les - Alton Towers.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Leicester years. We were the scourge of Leicester, Tom.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Were you?- We didn't do it any favours, that's for sure.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Les, tell him about the time I wee'd in the swimming pool.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, he wee'd in the swimming pool, Tom.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Oh, yeah?- Hammered.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16In the middle of the day, as well.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Wonderful. Well, I'm going to see Maeve, debrief on last night's date.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, tell her mum says hi, then.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It was from the diving board, Tom.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Fabulous.- People clapped.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Your father clapped. - And off I pop.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29No! Oh, no-no-no...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40But... Sorry, he asked you to get back with him?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43He was quite upset. Couldn't finish his peshwari naan.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46But hold on - Luke asked you, and you, rather than him, said "no"?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I know it's difficult to compute.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51He's awful with the waiters, Hermione.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Sorry... He works for the UN, Ellen.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55He's met Ban Ki-moon - he's offered him a Smint.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57He mentioned, a few times.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59If you like him so much, why don't you go out with him?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01The day I get sloppy seconds from you
0:03:01 > 0:03:04is the day I lie in a bath and, as they say, commit suicide.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Baby, don't over-estimate yourself.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Luke's willing to overlook a hell of a lot.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You're new to London, you temp, you're Northern,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and I'm only telling you painful truths because I care.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19What's painful about it? That's my life.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I know. Breaks my heart.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Oi-oi, here comes trouble. BUILDER WOLF-WHISTLES
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Put it away, Norm!- Oh, God!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Just smile and absorb it, don't be frigid.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Hey, guys! What up? - You all right, girls?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32How you feeling? Lonely? Want a little cuddle?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35She is a bit lonely, actually. Good shout, buddy.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Hey, you, cheer yourself up, it might never happen.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I mean, it is happening - THIS is happening.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Don't be so moody, Ellen. Time of the month, is it? Eh, boys?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- This has been nice. I'm going to my car.- Oi, love...
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Why don't you show us where you piss from?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- HERMIONE LAUGHS - Oh, naughty! Bit of a firecracker!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I don't mind it, and I think it's great,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59but for some, that's a bit much.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Want to have a little play with Kevin and the twins?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Who's Kev...?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07NERVOUS GIGGLE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Ellen, you'll never guess what just happened.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11We were having a nice chat and I was about to ask him about
0:04:11 > 0:04:14his working conditions, because I'm actually really interested...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16CRASH AND HERMIONE SCREAMS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Ellen!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19CAR ENGINE REVS
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Bless her. Come on, Squidge.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Those houses won't build themselves.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Oh, my Lord!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Come on, then. Lay it on me.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Where's Lincoln?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42What...? Say again?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Where's Lincoln? - East Midlands.- Good...
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Cool. So, saw Liz Tang last night, don't hold back.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I've been Tangoed. What's the feedback?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56How...like, tall do you think the Shard is?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57What are you doing, Maeve?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Oh, I'm just updating the Wikipedia entry for England.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Right, I mean, you're a barrister -
0:05:02 > 0:05:05should you not be doing, you know, your bits and bobs?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- They've left out a ton of stuff. - Hmm?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Lincoln, the Shard, Watchdog... - Uh-huh.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Giving myself a little mention.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Does it need to mention you, do you think?- Well, it mentions Tring.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- Fair play, then. - Um, so... Um, yeah.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Liz Tang...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I was just on the phone to her, actually...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Before you start blabbing on, I just want to say thank you, really,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27because last night, more than any other dates I've been on,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I was just myself.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And just thanks for that advice, basically.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- What, did I say that?- Yes, you did.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- "Just be yourself"?- Indeed.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Um, how do you think it went?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Quietly confident.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42It's a "no" from her.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Good. Well, that's a relief. Um, good.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49To be honest, I don't really have time for a woman in my life
0:05:49 > 0:05:52at the moment anyway, because I'm building up to Ironman Australia.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55So... Well, I'm off.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, just a quick... Width of a Beefeater's hat?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Not now, Maeve.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Ellen, pull over. I'm hyperventilating!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There you are, so don't say I'm not impulsive.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- I never ever say that, anyway. - Well, don't say it from now on.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Oh, Jesus! I won't tell Luke, don't worry.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I don't care about Luke! What about the Met?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30How anal are they, in regards to crime these days?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Tell me if it's a bad time to bring it up,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36but is it OK that I invited Luke to Sian's house-warming later?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- No.- If this madness ends and you do - fingers crossed -
0:06:39 > 0:06:40- get back with Luke...- Um...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43..he would actually do his best to secure me an internship at the UN.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- I mean, I'm manifestly speechless! - It would be paid, is the thing.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48I've just rammed a van,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and you're talking about trading me like a prostitute for your career.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Don't think of it as a trade -
0:06:52 > 0:06:54think of it as a lease, or a loan, if that helps.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It doesn't help. I'm getting some ciggies.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ellen, the only thing I've ever truly wanted for my career is...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01..training to be an estate agent, but carry on.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Oh, like the UN doesn't need estate agents?!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Those refugees will need somewhere to live, Ellen,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and I can secure them houses at very competitive prices.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Good on you!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Agh!
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Oh!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Ow...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Lovely...
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Seven seconds on low, just take the edge off the chill,
0:07:31 > 0:07:36maintain the bouquet and oopsie-doopsie-daisy-doe,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39a perfect rhubarb yog for you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Ta. Still tossing your Amstrad, but...
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Next, on the perfect afternoon with Ashley and Lesley,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50MasterChef quarter finale on BBC's iPlayer.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51VOICES ON TV
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Well, eat it quickly, Les.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Room temperature plays havoc with Asda dairy.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Left out an eight-pack of Petits Filous - absolute massacre.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Mmm.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05DOOR SHUTS
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Lovely.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Now, don't go panicking, it looks worse than it is.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, no - not this! Tom...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I just had a little accident, banged my head, but honestly...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Oh, my God - he's hit his head, Ashley!- I'll pause MasterChef.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- A head injury, Christ! What's your name?- I'm Tom.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Lesley, don't stop eating it! It'll be tepid in five seconds.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I was just on my bike and a car door opened.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Joyce's boy had a head injury and he ended up a plumber!- Right...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29The perfect temperature is the thing, Lesley!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Who did this to you?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Her name's Ellen Baxter. She's pretty fit, actually.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34- Mmm...- Ashley!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Yes, well there's no point wasting a perfectly good rhubarb yog.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Our son!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Liz, I can be concerned and simultaneously eat a rhuby yog.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44There's no right way to grieve.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- I just think I need to sit down. - Ashley, shift.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Dad, get up.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Yes, let's reconvene after MasterChef.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Kate's made an emulsion.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I thought he was quite...unusual.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Yeah, I was there.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Did you see? I just opened the door and he slammed right into it.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05And I just kind of dusted my shoulder, kind of easy-osy,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07when, "Hmm, fancy seeing you here".
0:09:07 > 0:09:11He actually retched at first, and he... He had some dribble.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15So, she's looking at me, like, "Wham-bam, this guy got some sugar."
0:09:15 > 0:09:16It was quite a nice chat, in some ways.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Moments later, I had her details stuffed in my back pock.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- You didn't give him your number? - For insurance.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Still counts!- Did you tell her you were unemployed?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26No, I didn't tell her I'm unemployed. I don't think publishing a blog entry
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- once a day can really mean that you're...- He is jobless.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- No, fair do's. - But he's very ambitious.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34She sells these craft things online, like she does these vintage posters.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36She's going to an art class later in Shoreditch.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I mean, it's like I just cycled into Simone de Beauvoir!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I don't even know who that is.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, hold on a minute...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Crikey O'Digby! That's where I saw her.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Last night.- In the alley, how weird.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52How funny.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53That's a sign, isn't it?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I mean, that is the meaningful hand of fate.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59God, it's so obvious. I'll surprise her at the art class.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- You are not going painting, Tom. - You don't really paint, Tom.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I used to dabble when I was younger, I think I can...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- What, at primary school?- Doesn't matter when. The important thing is,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I'm trained. I particularly like working with...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Did you mean primary school, Tom? - No, I did not!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16What do you particularly like working with?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Crayon and paper portraits, mainly. - Oh, shame.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Potato cut-outs, sometimes.- Deary me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- You're a tit in trainers, Tom! - Love you!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Hey.- Um...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, hello. Fine.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Just doing my laces up and you sort of crept up on me.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Well, I just opened my front door.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Didn't want to interview a suspect with my laces all flailing around.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Did you say "suspect"?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Can I come in?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, I was just going to an art class...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, right. You're busy, are you?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's just that someone has driven, with intense speed,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48into a Leukaemia charity van.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49A Leukaemia...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53..charity van? Um...
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Yeah, yeah, I mean, everything, really - landscapes, still life,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03mobile life, so like a fruit bowl, but, um, plummeting...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04There's a seat for you here.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Ah, lovely.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Um, deary me, my old friend, the easel.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Oooh, Private Pine, standing at ease.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Standing at easel. Standing at easel!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Standing at easel"? No.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Were there any leukaemia victims actually in the van?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Oh, no, no.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I don't think they need to be sort of shuttled around.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- No, I suppose not. - They're quite mobile.- Yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I mean, a few pots of paint were spilled, but...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh - so, no human damage, then?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37No, no.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Of course, there were the wigs.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Wigs?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43The paint ruined all the wigs.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46And what are the wigs for?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Well, they're to create the illusion of hair.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50No... In this case, though?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52In this case, they're for the children -
0:11:52 > 0:11:56so the children can live a normal life, go to school,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00so they're not shunned for their chemotherapy.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But of course, on this occasion, they won't get their wigs,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07which is devastatingly sad...
0:12:08 > 0:12:09..and enraging.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I get nervous before I paint, sometimes.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It's the thrill of it, isn't it, partly?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21What's going to...get drawn.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41"Did you ram the van?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I guess, is the headline.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45No, I didn't, no.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47No. No?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You see, that's thrown me.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I was hoping you'd confess, because I...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Well, I'm meeting Badger at five to play badminton
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and yes, I will be checking his shuttlecocks this time
0:12:58 > 0:13:00for signs of foul play.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Excuse me?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Hi, have you got a mirror?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11No, I don't.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You haven't got just a hand mirror?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No, sorry.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17How quickly can you draw, then?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- You want me to draw...?- No, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39OK, I think we're all ready to get started.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Hi, sorry I'm late.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Whoa, no-no-no-no, this seat's taken.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47There aren't any other chairs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Um, er...- OK, if we're all ready?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51OK, Ellen...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oh, God. No!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59No, no...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01God, no, no, no, no...
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Please, please, don't, don't...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Stop, please, please.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10No need, no need... I beg of you...
0:15:00 > 0:15:01DOOR SHUTS
0:15:03 > 0:15:06'Now, then - I... Sorry, earlier, for staring at you - not staring,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10'but inadvertently seeing your breasts, your body, because...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13'It was just because, you know, you mentioned about the art class
0:15:13 > 0:15:15'and just out of interest, because you'd opened a door in my face -
0:15:15 > 0:15:19'which by the way, I don't care - aching jaws and eyes - bovvered(?)
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHING: 'But I just didn't assume
0:15:21 > 0:15:24'that you'd be getting your clothes off for money.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25'You little slut(!)
0:15:25 > 0:15:28'No, no, no, because it's the drawing is what makes it not perving,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31'which is why I did a little sketch on the bus home,
0:15:31 > 0:15:32'show it to you some time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35'I guess the reason I came and found you, in all your glory,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37'was that I just... I don't know, when I met you,
0:15:37 > 0:15:41'we didn't have much time and maybe I could go for a coffee one day?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44'With you - I wouldn't want to go on my own, I'd feel like a plum.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46'But I'm not... I mean, I haven't actually said anything,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49'so don't make out like I'm sort of bloody madly strutting around
0:15:49 > 0:15:51'with a big banner with your face all over it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'You're not Mao Zedong!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55'You can redo these sometimes can't you, um, Ellen?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57'Um...'
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Text me, bye.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Well, good luck to you, Tom.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10'Ellen, um...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12'Text me, bye.'
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Yeah, so that's a shame. - TEXT ALERT
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, Cags wants you to send her Sian's address for the party.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yeah, OK.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I think maybe this guy likes me.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Yes, obviously he likes you. He's a stalker!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28He likes you so much, he'll probably want to eat you
0:16:28 > 0:16:30and wear your back as a wig.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Use your feet to store umbrellas, or something.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I thought he might have been all right.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I was thinking of inviting him to the party
0:16:36 > 0:16:39in a "relaxed, don't really care, inviting you almost because
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"I can't be bothered not to invite you" kind of way, if that...
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Does that work?- No, it doesn't. Cags, Ellen.- Yes, OK.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But now he's trailed me, like I'm an antelope...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And stared at you naked, and called you a slut.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Why is everyone a psychopath?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Yeah, present company excepted. - Yeah...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I think I'll just play it safe.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Just send him a short, meaningless text and give nothing away.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07TOM SIGHS
0:17:07 > 0:17:09PHONE VIBRATES Oh.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, my God!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15She's all over me.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Dad! ASHLEY LAUGHS
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Get me to the church on time(!)
0:17:21 > 0:17:25There's nothing there, mate. It's a desert.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Sorry, Tom.- No, it's fine.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I should probably forget all about it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- So, this is the nook. - This is the vortex.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Guess you can't really complain about the bishop, Dad.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Supposing I find the other 31 pieces and the board
0:17:39 > 0:17:41and start playing chess?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Is this a tactic, Ashley? To nook my belongings?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Is this your next play? - Not at all, no.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I'm just putting some things we don't need in the nook.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I know you're lying, Ashley. I can tell from your body language.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53What? You don't even know body language.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55They don't teach that to people who can hear.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59That's sign language, you bloody ape! Is that my Saga magazine?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00- Oh, God!- Where?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02They're sending me crazy, Maeve.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Mum said that you harassed someone. - What? No, no, I didn't. I...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yes, I followed someone to an appointment, and yes,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I saw them in the nuddy-duddy, but that's just...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Just what gets you off. - No! Well, I didn't mind it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14PHONE VIBRATES Oh, text.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, oops!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I think this is OK,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20but I just accidentally sent Tom the address to the party.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Why?- Well, I was trying to send it to Cags.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Why didn't you send it to Cags, then?- Helpful(!)
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Oh, you don't think he's going to...?- No, I don't think he'll...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Uh-oh, someone just got invited to a party - moi, me!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Oh, my days! What does it say? - Quite to the point.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"Hey, Cags," which I presume is some kind of East London slang term,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"colon, address for the party." Simple.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Right. Are you sure it's meant for you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Hmm, let me just think. Did it come to my number or not?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Er, yes, it did, so yes, it was, so let's par-tay!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Does that...mean he's coming?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53No. No.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54It won't.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Surely not?- Surely not.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Oh, surely not, Tom. - Let's hit the road!
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Ow! Bloody hell, finger nails, Lesley!- Oh, sorry, did that hurt(?)
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, it's like you sharpen them!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Well, they don't sharpen themselves. - What?!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Ding dong, I'm off to the ball.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Tom, the Amstrad! You'll pass a skip somewhere.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Just dump it for me, please.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17This is one of the ones I have to win.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- He got to keep his cactus. - All right, fine, I don't care.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Lesley?!- Go!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Lesley, what's going on?
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Nothing.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh, good. Luke's dropping by at some point.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What? Oh, my God, stop it!
0:19:49 > 0:19:50I shouldn't have to say this,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52but stop using me as sex bait to get an internship.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54The term is actually "honey trap", Ellen, but...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I don't care. You don't even know what the UN does.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Yes, I do!- What's it do, then?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Jesus Christ, I mean...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Eloise...?- You can't get help from a friend.- I don't like Eloise.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06OK, well that's not my point.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09She's actually fatter than she is, you know?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Well, I don't understand that, so...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14She's actually a fatter person than she actually is.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- That's the same sentence. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Oh, that'll be Luke now.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Perfect(!)
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Ugh, it's you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yes, hi. Is Ellen in? She invited...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- No, she didn't.- She did, actually. Bitten by the bug.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It was an admin error, she told me.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- No, it wasn't. Listen, Cags... - Eh?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I just like her, so just see what she thinks, because...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- No.- She might... - She won't.- I'm honestly...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Oh, you're a worm!- What?- A worm!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Er...- I knew you'd do that and I waited,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49to save me the bother of coming back. The answer is "no"!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Hmm.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Luke's here!
0:21:16 > 0:21:17CHEERING
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Paco Rabanne? Don't mind if I do.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hmm, pure sex.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42SEXUAL MOANS AND LOUNGE MUSIC ON TV
0:21:49 > 0:21:50I think I'm in the wrong place.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54What are you doing in our flat?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I think I must have gone too high or too left.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I thought there was a party?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01The party is next door.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Stay and watch, if you want.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Um...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- TV:- 'Oh! Oh, yeah...'
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Nah. Nah, you're OK.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Thanks, though.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- She's not pulling any punches, is she?- No.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- We know her.- Do you?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Go bowling with her.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24That's...lovely.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27MOANS CLIMAX
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And how are you?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I'm OK.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33These were flown in from Isfahan this morning.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Oh, thank you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Your favourite cupcake.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46You can have as many as you like.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Your figure's brilliant.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Thank you.- Eat it.- What?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Come on, eat it up.- Hermione?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Eat the cupcake. Seriously.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- So, this is all original... - TV:- 'Oh... Oh, yeah...'
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Right.- ..and we just had it painted.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Did you really? Well, it's a good life.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Um, I'm probably going to... I'm Tom, by the way.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Sorry, what were your names? - Monica.- Monica and...?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Douglas Carol Pine.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Carol?- Carol can be a man's name, as well.- OK, OK.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19It can't, but fine. I'm probably going to go...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Oh, don't leave.- I really want to.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Oh, please don't. My scene's coming up. Fast forward, Monica.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Don't, Monica. Monica, don't.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35SHE CHOKES
0:23:35 > 0:23:36What's happening? She's choking.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- What?- She's choking on the ring!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- What?!- Oh, my God, tell me she's got private health insurance!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Do it properly, Luke! - Um... Will you marry me?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- MUFFLED COMPLAINTS - You said she'd be up for this!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48- Do the list, Luke!- Oh, er...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Ban Ki-moon, 70G a year, um... - Otter!- ..and I got you an otter.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54A ceramic otter, because on your first weekend away, you saw an otter.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You have to pay me back for that, by the way, Luke.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59ELLEN COUGHS AND RING DROPS
0:23:59 > 0:24:01The answer is "no".
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I mean, obviously!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Ellen, what's your problem?! He's a nine, you're six - max!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Why am I a...?- Leeds, maybe!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Notice how the sax really cuts through the mix.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, yeah. It does, actually.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Must say, really glad you took a wrong turn.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Good... Oh, Christ on the old cross, mate!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36PARTY MUSIC FROM INSIDE FLAT
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Hey, how are you doing?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Lovely.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Which Shrek do you like most?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Oh, my God! I'm calling the police, he's stalking Ellen!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05What? No, don't. Where is she?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- It's ringing.- Just... That was quick.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I just need to see her one more time, that's all.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Right, oh, my God!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Who are you?- I don't know who these people are.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Oh, bye, Tom. Nice to see you. - Absolutely no idea.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Never met him before in my life... - Who likes vermouth?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Ellen?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Ellen!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36MUSIC: To Be Alone With You by Sufjan Stevens
0:25:41 > 0:25:42THUNDER RUMBLES
0:26:41 > 0:26:43'Passenger announcement.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46'No trains will be stopping at this station, folks.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49'Can everyone please exit the station in an orderly fashion
0:26:49 > 0:26:53'and seek alternative means of transport. Thank you.'
0:26:53 > 0:26:55PHONE RINGS
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- 'Dramatic change of plan, Tom.- Yes?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59'Save the Amstrad at all costs.'
0:27:00 > 0:27:02It's pretty poor timing, Mum.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04'It's got my diary of the Leicester years, Tom -
0:27:04 > 0:27:06'it's the chronicle of our love.'
0:27:06 > 0:27:09It describes our first-ever bridge game, Tom, it's sacrosanct.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's not coming home, Mum.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- No!- No!- No!- No!- No!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19No, no, it has everything, Tom, it has everything,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21it's got the Harry Ramsden's dinner, Tom.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23'I didn't realise - it's everything, Tom.'
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We had three cod between two that night, Tom.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28'Love is like that when you get together with someone.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31'It was heady, it was mad, it was the Midlands in the '70s!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33'Save the Amstrad, Tom! Save it at all costs,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- 'if it's the last thing you ever...' - HE HANGS UP
0:27:35 > 0:27:37THUNDERCLAP
0:27:43 > 0:27:46MUSIC: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# This is the first day of my life
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Swear I was born right in the doorway
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# I went out in the rain
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Suddenly everything changed
0:28:01 > 0:28:05# They're spreading blankets on the beach
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Yours is the first face that I saw
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# I think I was blind before I met you
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# Now I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# But I know where I want to go
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# And so I thought I'd let you know
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# That these things take forever
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# I especially am slow
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# But I realise that I need you
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# And I wondered if I could come home
0:28:43 > 0:28:47# Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... #