0:00:07 > 0:00:09It's all about first impressions, Maeve.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Upping the averages, sexing the dossier, you know, rather than...
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Showing the real you.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Exactly, yeah.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17God, she's like a sort of angelic bear, like cuddly,
0:00:17 > 0:00:21but no, not nearly as dangerous as a bear, as dangerous as an ant,
0:00:21 > 0:00:22but as impressive as a bear.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23I can't put it into words.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- Sounds like you're describing Baloo. - Yes!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Thank you, he's a fantastic bear, so thanks, thanks ever so much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32But David Lynch Retrospective, that's pretty good, no?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34The Elephant Man, that's quite a good sort of...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36God, I want to divorce you sometimes, Ashley!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Oh, dear.- I want to divorce the crap out of you!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Hence date night, Les, that's why we do date night,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- to postpone that feeling. - Can't postpone it for ever, Ashley.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Yes, you can! That's what marriage is.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- What's the problem now? - I wanted to go to Chesterfield,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52see the church with the bent steeple. (It's hilarious, Maeve.)
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's not just that, it's the marriage in general,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56it's quite crap, frankly.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Bloody Nora!- Well, don't get divorced - the custody battles!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Well, you're 25, mate, so... - No, fair point, yeah.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03We thought we'd discuss it when you both moved out,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- but obviously you've scuppered that plan, Tom.- Well, sorry for keeping you together.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, no, don't apologise, Tom, it's not just you, there's, um,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11a physical element too.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Good, well, tone set, I am in the mood for love.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Exciting.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Do you think you'll tell him about ramming the leukaemia charity van?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I don't think so, no.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Got you some earrings, my love.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Thought you could wear them on your date.- Oh, I mean, I can't.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Please. I value and cherish our friendship. Please accept them.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Oh, that's lovely. Thank you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56So, why have you been looking at Rightmove?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Hold on, have you been on my internet history?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah. How else would I know?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Sorry, yeah, just checking.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06So, Rightmove, "wha guan," as they say round here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Um...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Are you looking for somewhere else to live?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13My father's giving you criminally matey rates, babe.
0:02:13 > 0:02:19How would you feel if I was thinking of, you know, move...moving...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Am I making you nervous?
0:02:21 > 0:02:26No. I love living here. It's...relaxing.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But, hypothetically, how would you feel?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Hypothetically?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Hypothetically, I'd be fine.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Right. But then if it's real, then...
0:02:36 > 0:02:37It's not real, is it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- No. - Then it would be absolutely fine.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Cool, good to know.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Hurry up!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Come on, Les, traffic round the Shanklin Road's
0:02:45 > 0:02:48ball-ache of the year a million years running.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Shanklin Road? You're going to La Plage?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Hence the lift.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Reinstating date night. - You're kidding me!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You're going to have the shellfish, aren't you?!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, no, Tom's upset because I'm going to have the crab
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and I'm allergic and my face and lips will swell up.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Yes!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, some of us
0:03:04 > 0:03:07aren't afraid of our immune systems attacking our bodies, Tom,
0:03:07 > 0:03:11some of us quite like it, and the crab is buttery as billy-o.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Please tell me you're taking an EpiPen?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I'm bringing two. I haven't decided on the starter yet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17What about Mum having to look at that?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- It's nice to have a change, to be honest.- See?
0:03:20 > 0:03:21That's not a good thing, Dad.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's one night of the year, Tom.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26You've got it too, you know - all the male Rydales have.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Hence why I don't eat shellfish!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Mum, tell him, stop stressing me out before my date!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Oh, you do like this one, don't you, rookie?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Do I hear wedding bells?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I'd willing wed her. I'd willingly father her children.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I'd willing father her grandchildren, for crying out loud.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Well, no.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- No, that's... - Well, you'd...you'd have to...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Have to impregnate your daughter to do that, Tom.- No, scratch that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That's not cricket.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Sure.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Disgusting boy!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Hi... Hi.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yes?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Um...
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Ha ha ha.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Here he is.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, God, Mum!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Any closer to female acceptance, Tom?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Good way of putting it. Um, yes and no, really.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It was all right, but I think I made a bit of a flub.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I told her a white lie.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33How was your date, Tom?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35With death?!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Oh, God, Dad! Don't do that! - Ashley!
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Oh, classic comedy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Jesus Christ!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You should be trying to be less disgusting, not more!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Sorry, Les. - Look at what you're doing to Mum.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Oh, she doesn't mind. She'll get over anything eventually.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- No, I won't.- You've forgotten who you're married to.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Ssh, ssh, ssh, name me one thing you couldn't ultimately forgive me for?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Eating Tom.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- What? - Where's that come from?!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well, if you murdered and ate my son Tom.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Scary! - Lesley!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- You asked.- You shouldn't be able to come up with it that quickly!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, I'm being criticised for being quick now, am I?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Sorry, how would I even eat him? - Don't work through the practicalities!
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Blend him down, probably.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Oh, God, unbelievable!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16What's wrong with her?!
0:05:16 > 0:05:17How was it, champ?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh, yeah, fine.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22She's so nice, it's just I told a white lie.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- She was talking... Sorry, do you mind if you go away when I'm talking to you?- What?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26- Just turn around.- All right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Disgusting.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31She was talking about finding a new flat because her flatmate's weird.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I didn't want to sound tragic for living here, so I just blurted out...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- He's got his own two-bed flat in Mile End.- What?!
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- Ker-ching.- Really?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42It just came out. When money talks, sex listens, I thought.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46He's also got a cinema room and, set your faces to stun,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- a vintage, claret-rouge Aston Martin!- No, he hasn't.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Why did you say that?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I'm a pathetic individual, aren't I?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I think she might have known I was lying.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh, God, a few more are coming back to me.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59He's Grade 8 on the cello, he's an amateur potter.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Oh, Jesus!- He actually ghost-wrote some of Roy Keane's autobiography.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Roy Keane?!- Roy Keane gave him some of his medals for helping out.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- That was a low point, admittedly. - Who's Roy Keane?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10She must have known, she went all quiet at the end.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Bet she bloody did!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I wanted to kiss him, but I got too nervous.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Oh, God, Ellen! - There was this long pause and...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Go on.- I didn't know what to do, so I just gave him a fist-bump.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Ruffled my hair and said... - See you soon, sport.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23And she was off, just like that.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Not good.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27BOTH: I've ballsed it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, you need to confess, laddie.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Yeah, I know, I'm just going to take her for a nice meal and 'fess up.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I'm going to ask this guy if he can get me in somewhere good.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Do you remember Dwayne Pear,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39who works at Time Out, used to fancy Maeve?
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Name rings a bell, but I could just be thinking of the fruit, the pear.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46No, true. Oh, Jesus!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Oh, it doesn't matter, Tom. I once said to a woman...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I'm sorry, I just can't be in the same room as you looking like that. Do you mind?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55No, fair enough. Your mum's been saying the same for years.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Wakey wakey!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Sorry, I'm going to have to burst your bubble, Ellen.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Argh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Oh, hi. Sorry, I did not sleep well.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I had this nightmare last night.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, babe, that wasn't a nightmare.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18You really did go on a date with him.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20No, Hermione. Morning, by the way.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I think that film really freaked me out.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It was about the Elephant Man.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Why did he take you to the Elephant Man?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Only film that offers him a favourable comparison?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31No, Hermione. I just hate films like that.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That face keeps haunting me.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Can I carry on with the part of the conversation that most interests me?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Great.- Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You mentioned last night Tom said he had his own place
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and you were clearly enthralled by that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, I guess the only problem with it is,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I found his address on the electoral roll.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Didn't even take long.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You shouldn't be doing research on my dates, Hermione.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Two hours, and he is not massively Mile End, he's East Finchley.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Oh, right, well, I think that's where he said his parents live,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01so maybe he's just not changed his electoral...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04He lives with his parents. Like a child.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And he has constructed a matrix of lies to get into your pants
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and then dump, stroke, hope not, but maybe abuse you.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Do you really think he's lied about where he lives?- Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15If you're in any doubt, call the number,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18which I have taken the liberty of locating for you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- Right, well, I'm not going to do that, because I don't want... - Well, it's ringing.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24PHONE RINGS
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Telefonico!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Telefonico!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, Jesus wept!
0:08:46 > 0:08:47I was resting!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- I was just about to get it. - Well, I'm up now.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Well, sit back down again, then. - Once I'm up, I'm up.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You know that, once I'm up, that's me, up.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Hello? ..Oh, yes, it is.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01..Oh, how are you?
0:09:01 > 0:09:06..Good, well... ..No, I'm not bad, not bad.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Well, I say that,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I had an anaphylactic reaction to some shellfish last night,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14so, well, I sort of planned it, so I can't really complain.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18No, you're right. Yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yes, the grip and slog of life, yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Oh, well, apart from that, I have run out of talcum powder.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, I'll tell you what I did see,
0:09:28 > 0:09:33I saw the biggest pigeon I have ever seen last week.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34..Of course.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's Ellen.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What?!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39It's Ellen.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42WHISPERS: Why are you talking to her about pigeons and talcum powder?!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Sorry, hold on, Ellen. Have you ever heard of flirting?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Bally ho, boy!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I shouldn't be doing this, Tom's going to think I'm a psychopath.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51WHISPERS: I told her I don't live here.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I told her I live in Mile End, I'm not here.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55That's all you have to do!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Right.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Ellen, love, he...isn't here, he doesn't live here,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05so he's not here at all.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He hasn't been here for three years.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, that's a long time.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11So who were you just talking to?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Er, let me just check.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15- WHISPERS:- Who was I talking to?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Make someone up.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18What do you mean, make someone up?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I mean, make someone up!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Christ!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- NORMAL VOICE:- Hello, Ellen, love.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I was talking to... Have you heard of Judy Finnigan?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30God, Dad!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Judy, wow!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33What the bloody hell?!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35God, your voice cuts through me, Lesley!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Oh, shut up, Ashley!
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Well, it's like crabs scuttling across piano strings!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42- I know. - I'm on the other line.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, who are you talking to? Announce yourself, caller.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Hi, it's Ellen. Hello, Mrs Rydale.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50What are you doing talking to Tom's girlfriend, Ashley?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Hang on, hang on, are they officially boyfriend and girlfriend?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Oh, it's not good.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Well, we haven't really...er, yeah, we only met the other day, so...
0:10:59 > 0:11:00It's a no from her, Tom.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Well, I'm hoping to call Margery Beech.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Her eczema has returned with a spring in its step.- Oh, dear.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08And it's torpedoed her bridge playing, so time is of the essence.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Can you put her on to Tom quickly, please, Ash?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Tom's not in, because Tom doesn't live here.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14What do you mean, he doesn't live here?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Does he live there, sometimes?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Oh, no!- He bought a flat in Mile End, love, don't you remember that?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23He bought a flat in Mile End? Tom?!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I don't th...
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Soz.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Dwayne Pear, as I live and breathe...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Yeah, can you call me back in ten? Thanks.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- Been a long time, Rydale.- Yeah, thanks for seeing me at short notice.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- It's all right. - I need restaurant tips.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Well, you've come to the right man, then.- Yeah. How is everything going at Time Out?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Five stars. - Brilliant, well, that's good.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53What's an ordinary day like for you? Like, what do you get up to?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I review a couple of restaurants...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57PHONE RINGS
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Futtards Letting executive manager, Hermione Onassis Smith speaking.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, hi, Hermione.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Ellen?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Hi.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Um, just, just calling for a catch-up, how are you doing?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13You called my office. What's the matter?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Oh, my God, you're looking for a flat!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I didn't know you worked at Futtards.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Er, I knew you were an estate agent.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Oh, well, where did you think I worked?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Just generally, estate agent in general, roaming.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And where are you looking? Mile End?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31What? Maybe.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34He doesn't live there, Ellen. He's lying.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35He is not lying.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I mean, of all the places to lie about,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I feel I drop four social classes just passing through Mile End.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Well, I would happily live there.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42I would move in with him.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Did I mention he's got underfloor heating?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He hasn't got underfloor heating. Grow up!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You've known him less than a week, Ellen!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, God, you are so institutionalised.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53And he's given you a nightmare.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He's a big monster looming out of the fog!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56He is not a monster.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59He is a sensitive cellist, who thinks I am a lunatic
0:12:59 > 0:13:01because I called his parents after our first date.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- PHONE BLEEPS - Oh, hang on.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Corn in Egypt, it's him!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08This is it, second date.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It's do or die and don't be weird, that's my mantra.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Can I give you some advice?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- No!- Wardrobe, hygiene?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I can manage my own life just fine, thank you.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Now if you will excuse me, I happen to be late
0:13:19 > 0:13:22for an interrogation at the police station for my recent road rage.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23So, yeah, anyway,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I've been keeping abreast on Facebook of all your successes.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Yeah, likewise, man, with all your, um...
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Just you, but, er, lots of photos of you and your folks on there, which is nice.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Yes, so, anyway, I took her to this film, The Elephant Man,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42last night and I basically poured her a silly porky pie,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and I just want to confess in just the best place possible
0:13:45 > 0:13:48and apologise and show her a good time.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Fershangwenthl. - Sorry, I didn't hear?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Fershangwenthl. - Yes, I've no idea.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- So have you not heard of...? - Yes, I have.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, OK.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It's this really cool, amazing new restaurant everybody's heard of.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- Yeah, I know. - And is going crazy about.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Hm. - And it's called Fershangwenthl.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Yeah, Fershang... - Fershang-wenthl.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05- Fershangath... - Fershangwenthl.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Fershang-alang.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11This really great place, this Thai guy who settled down in Wales
0:14:11 > 0:14:15and began to absorb elements of Welsh cuisine into his own.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Oh, that sounds delicious.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Yeah. Um, but you, yeah, you probs won't be able to get a table,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24to be honest, mate. Not for a few months. Sorry, I shouldn't...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Oh, could you maybe pull a few strings...?- Er...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- No, probably not.- I mean, no, it's just, yeah...- No.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- There's only so many times you can play that card.- I know. I know. No, forget about it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Forget about it. It's just good to chew the fat.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Yeah. - Um, Maeve says hi, by the way.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What do you want to do now, do you want to go...?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Maeve? Maeve? How is Maeve doing these days?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43- Is she all right?- Yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I haven't seen Maeve for a long time.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You kind of, sorry, am I remembering this correctly,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50you sort of fancied Maeve a bit, didn't you?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I still think about Maeve all the time.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Hm.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Sorry, I know it's weird because it's your sister
0:14:57 > 0:15:02and everything, but Maeve is just pure sex.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Isn't she?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Yeah, she's not to my taste, obviously...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Sorry, she's your sister and it's weird, but...- That's fine.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12OK, how about this? I get the table at the restaurant...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Right.- ..and you bring Maeve...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Yeah.- ..and we have a double date.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20What did you say it was, Welsh?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21- Welsh Thai. - Welsh Thai.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And it would really impress your one...
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Hm, one is a bit...
0:15:25 > 0:15:29And Maeve would love it and it would be, yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Wait, yeah, sorry.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37Would you...would you mind pimping out your sister just to get
0:15:37 > 0:15:39a restaurant reservation?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43No, I think it's fine.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46To be honest.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Cool, man.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Yeah, that should be nice.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Can this guy get a shuffle on? It's been 40 minutes.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'm meeting someone in a couple of hours.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Look at me. Relax, OK?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Oh, God.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10MOUTHS: Smile.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Sorry to keep you.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Bit of a wrestle with a jacket potato.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Oh. - Now, then...
0:16:18 > 0:16:19HE SNIFFS
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oh, can you smell that?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Can you smell that? What is that?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27That's bizarre.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31It could be a bolognese, but it's a bit creamier.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- OK...- Yeah, I can smell that, yeah, that's an odd one.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Are you getting that?- Yeah. - Shall we just...?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37There's almost an element of off coriander.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Well, it's almost, I'm tempted to say, a bit metallic.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44All right, don't get sucked in. Shall we get on?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yes, sure. I'll be mother.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Um, bop.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Right, it is 5.30 and we are here
0:16:52 > 0:16:57because a witness identified you as ramming a leukaemia charity van.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Bloody hell!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Right, um, present are...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Jack Sterling and my client...um...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I'm so sorry, you're going to have to give me a trigger.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- I...- Ellen Baxter.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Fairly do's.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Um, next of kin?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Ah, that I do remember. No parents.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Can you not just point at me and say "no parents"?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Orphan.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I've got a foster mum, but she lives in Leeds.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Right, Ellen Baxter.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35We are here to discuss a vehicle collision on Monday 23rd.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Would I be mad to say the words chilli con carne?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Oh, give that man a bloody medal!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh, God, I don't think I can take this.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Of course it is. OK, game on.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50The trump in my hand is my favourite kind of footage...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53buddle-de-bu da-ra, CCTV thereof.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Yes, so Ellen's coming, gosh, butterflies.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00You... It would be great if you could come, Maeve.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Wild horses couldn't keep me away. I don't know why they would want to.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Hm.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08So, Ellen's coming, you're coming, got an old buddy coming too,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- that's great. So...- Hm. Who's that?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- What's that? - Who's that?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, the friend? He's like an old buddy.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Like an old pal.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Hm. Yeah, who though, sorry?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yeah. No, cool.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24So, what, sorry, what was I going to say?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Oh, yeah, what crisps are you hoping they'll have?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It would be good to choose now so there's no dilly-dallying...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Hm, it feels like you're sort of avoiding the...- It's Dwayne Pear.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Oh, really? Oh.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36When did you two become friends?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Well, he got me into this Welsh/Thai fusion place, so...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, Fershangwenthl, yeah. Cool.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Fershanathal, yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Yeah, Fershangwenthl. - Fershangel, yeah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47So you're part of the deal, sort of thing,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50it doesn't matter really, but from your point of view it's a date.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh, God! Well, he'd better not be a weirdo,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Tom, I don't want to have to sleep with a weirdo.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I mean, obviously you don't have to sleep with him at all.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Yeah, you know what I'm like, though.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Not really. I'm not massively... - Basically, I can be quite...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Don't have to tell me. - I'll shag anything.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Oh, God, Maeve! That's horr...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Oh, that's horrible.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Hm. Yeah, it's very grainy, isn't it?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Do you think?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Um, yeah, yeah, I do. Don't you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I can't see a thing.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Sorry, what is, what is this?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I think I can make out, like, an owl, is it?
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Well, we have taken the trouble of enhancing the image.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Oh, dear, not good.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I now have to advise my client not to comment
0:19:38 > 0:19:43until further notice, otherwise we're in deep trouble.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Um... - Ah-ha.
0:19:45 > 0:19:51Ellen, this is a photo of one of the girls that the charity helps out.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Now, I know he says don't comment,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57but I get the impression that you're a good person.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Ah-ah-ah, read my lips, mate, she doesn't care about that little girl.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Period.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Wait, no, I do care.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I think I might have to hold you for a while.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09What? Oh, no, please.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Hold her? Really? That doesn't seem appropriate.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14In a cell. I'm not saying cuddle.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, right, oh, fine. No, that's fine.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Is it?! Is it fine?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19That's fine by me. What's your take?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Can I at least get my phone call?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I've got a do-or-die second date.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Once we've done the paperwork and we have signed off the charge, then...
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Can I have the phone call before you sign the paperwork off?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Yeah, why not?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34And while we're at it, why don't we smoke some doobies
0:20:34 > 0:20:35and get some pizzas delivered?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40No, no, you can't, you can't do that.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Dwayne Pear,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45if I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to get me drunk.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Well, you do know better, because I am trying to get you drunk.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I do bad things when I'm drunk, Dwayne.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Then get that bloody peach schnapps down your throat, woman!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Cheers.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Do you want me to do my shot?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Don't care, mate.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Oh, great.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Have you got the same menu as me?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Because I can't really...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yeah, it's in Welsh and Thai.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You can ask them what it means if you need to.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21- Oh...- But it's very frowned upon.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Absolutely. I'll figure it out.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What, you'll work out a whole language?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I don't know, Maeve!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30She's not coming, is she?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I liked her.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Now she thinks I live with my parents...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You do live with your parents.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And she's sacked me off in favour of someone more independent, I suppose.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oh, my God, already!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Jesus! Fine.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Um, ignore me, I'll just check my BBC news app,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51see if they've done anything about the Middle East.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Yemen, Syria, etc.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Right. It's time for you to get your ET on.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02What?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Phone home. Bit of fun I do.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Oh, thank God for that.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Can you...?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Yes, of course.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I think she's rumbled me.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29How late does someone have to be before you've been stood up?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I think if they're not here by...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Yeah, that's a good cut-off point, yeah.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, Christ!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Right, bugger. I guess I'd better call my mum.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, no, no, no. Don't call your mum.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Mums can be very melodramatic as a group.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Well, I've got no-one else to call.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48He's going to think I've stood him up
0:22:48 > 0:22:50and I don't want to tell him...
0:22:50 > 0:22:51I'm sorry to hear about that,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54but, if we can please hurry it up a bit, that would be good.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We've all got places to be. I could have a wife and kids.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Do you?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I've got a lizard.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08There is someone.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11PHONE RINGS
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Hello?- Hi, there, it's Ellen. I phoned earlier.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16So, so sorry to be calling,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19but, um, well I've got myself into a bit of a pickle.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Sorry, dear, University Challenge.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Durham's with egg on its face yet again.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Honestly, they are to a man complete orks!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Um, could you let Tom know I've been delayed?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I can't get through to him.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35I've had quite a rough night.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You and Durham both. All OK?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I've just made a stupid mistake
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and I don't really know how to deal with it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Can I ask you a question?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Yes, Tom does live here, let's not beat about the bush.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He's got as much chance of buying his own place
0:23:48 > 0:23:50as a piece of cardboard.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Well, I wasn't asking about Tom.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56I am a tool! Interruption, lose ten points.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00So he did lie, then, after all? Right.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06To be honest, I did wonder, deep down. Fair enough.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm in the same position, to be honest.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Stuck where I am. London's hard.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16My question was going to be, um, if you do something bad,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18does it always pay to 'fess up?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I don't know what to do.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I will say this,
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Ellen, I once ate 12 Babybels in under 40 seconds.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Right, is that...is that it?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Tom got the blame for the Babybels, I never 'fessed up, he got grounded,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36cried for a week, he's a bit like that, you know, a bit wet.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Anyway, not a day, not a day has gone past...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Kilimanjaro! Kilimanjaro! I knew it!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Hello?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Right.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Right, OK.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51I knew it!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56If I 'fess up, will you let me try and meet my date?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, she's not come, has she?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Guys? Guys.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Jesus Christ, Maeve, you're in a restaurant!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11What's weirder, her doing it or you watching it, mate?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Well, I mean, none of it's perfect, I wish I didn't have to choose.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16PHONE BUZZES
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Oh, my God, she's coming!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22She knows where I live and she doesn't mind.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24She doesn't hate me - yet.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Oh, the stars are aligning, things are finally are on the up.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Um, Dwayne, was there shellfish in this?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I beg your pardon? Answer the question, Pear!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37In some of it, yeah, it's Welsh Thai, isn't it?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Oh, sweet mother of Jesus Christ!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42That's the whole point, didn't you read my review?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44No way! Boring!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What did you have? It's not in all of it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I don't know, it was either Mongdong Llaredew or Mongdong Llaredach.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Yeah, well, there's a big difference, mate.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Llaredew is chicken with a punchy saffron.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Llaredach has lobster bisque in the sauce, it's unthinkably subtle.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02She's going to be here soon, Pear!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I could kill myself, I could just,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06were it not for certain talents that remain untapped, that I hope
0:26:06 > 0:26:10to draw on in the future, I would eat this mush till my face burst!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12All right, well, calm down, Tommo, which one was it?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14If it was Llaredew, you'll be OK.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I don't know, I don't know! Llaredew, Llaredach.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I can't remember.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Llaredew, Llaredach, I don't know. Llaredew, maybe.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Llaredach, it's possible.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Llaredew, Llaredach.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Sorry, how long is this going to go on for...?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31What, you're going?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Yeah, just, um, quite keen to get off home, really.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Just chomping at the bit to get back, really, mate.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Fine! If you want to go and bonk while I go into anaphylactic shock, then just go!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Bog off! - Music to my ears.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You're a true gent. Thank you, mate.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Mate, just be honest, just be honest with me.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49How's my face, honestly? How bad is it?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51What's it like?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52It's not great.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Inflated?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55No.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Oh.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Tom?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Oh, yeah, it was Llaredach!
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# Cradle me Cradle you
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# I win your heart with a whip-a-whoo
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# Pulling shapes just for your eyes
0:27:47 > 0:27:52# So with toothpaste kisses and lions
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# I'll be yours and you'll be...
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# Lay with me I'll lay with you
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# We'll do the things that lovers do
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Put the stars in our eyes. #