0:00:04 > 0:00:06Happy birthday.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, Hermione, that's loads.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Got if off my dad.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12That money has basically nothing to do with me.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Oh, it's very thoughtful all the same.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Meh. By the way, I didn't get that rent payment.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Oh, yeah, sorry.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I'm overdrawn - those school posters aren't selling as well as I'd hoped.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Yeah... OK.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Good girl.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I suppose if we're going to start nailing stuff,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45the birthday is not a bad place to make my debut.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm actually quite good at this stuff, really.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You want fig and orange blossom perfume? Well, I'm sorry, love,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52you're going to bloody get fig and orange blossom perfume.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Your card's declined.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55OK, don't love this new element.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Um, can you try it again, please?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I've tried it twice. It's declined.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I think you're too poor.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I understand the system.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Sorry, I had my suspicions, but I didn't want to say anything.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Thank you for your tact(!)
0:01:07 > 0:01:08I'm seeing her tonight, Maeve,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I've told her I'm going getting her a birthday treat.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12What am I going to do?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Oh, brainwave - what about the bottle just sans juice?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Empty?- Yeah.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, I mean, do you - I'm thinking on my feet here -
0:01:19 > 0:01:20but do you have the recipe?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You know, cos we could easily source some oranges.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Waitrose do figs. - Ah, now we're talking.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26We don't have a recipe.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28What about all this guff, then?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31You can't use it now and I bet I can find something to dong in there.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- The packaging?- Yeah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34There is a queue...
0:01:35 > 0:01:42..of people behind you who actually care about the art of parfum.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Parfum?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45- Parfum.- Parf...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Parfum. (I don't know what that means.)
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Just calling my mum.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Foster mum.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Yeah, thanks.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Been a bit homesick, to be honest.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00You can borrow my Diptyque candles if you like.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We had very different upbringings.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Just thought... How are you going to have a nice birthday
0:02:05 > 0:02:07when you've got your court hearing later for road rage?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09The thought had occurred.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Jesus Christ...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Sorry, love. Alex was just trying to waterboard Marcus.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What? Where did he learn how to do that?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Oh, it's not his fault, love, he's just got issues with violence.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Well, he's not got enough issues with it, he absolutely loves it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Happy birthday!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32How are you, my love?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I'm good, thanks. Shall I?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yeah, go on, then.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43No way! Oh, thanks, Mum!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Cheese!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, death! I forgot to send your bubble wrap.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Oh, that doesn't matter.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53No, kill me dead, I'm a terrible mother.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Foster mother. - It doesn't matter, honestly.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56What's the bubble wrap?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Oh. You remember Hermione, Mum?- No.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You've got some toast on your chin.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Have I?- Disgusting.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04So that's her.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's just tradition. I always liked popping it when I was younger.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10But it doesn't matter, honestly.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I must say, I've been missing you at the moment.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Aw. Is London grinding you down?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16No, I just miss...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Oh, Jesus Christ. Sounds like he got into the garage.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22..oh, you know, your special birthday lasagne...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25If he sniffs that weed killer again, we're all in for a rough ride.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27She'll be back in a sec.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Tom's getting me a birthday surprise later. Seems quite keen.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36We'll just wait for her to come back.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40She's not coming back, Ellen.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42She is ditsy, Hermione, but she's not that ditsy.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- SINGS:- # When I was a youth I used to bung kali weed in a Rizla
0:03:49 > 0:03:51# I used to bung it in a Rizla. #
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, God!
0:03:56 > 0:03:57I'm an idiot.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- See?- Homes Under The Hammer!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Marcus!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You're just going to sit and watch your fake mum watch TV?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Just for a bit.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Money.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25So what are you going to do, then?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Just find a good time to tap Mum and Dad for cash.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Oh, she deserves a nice pressie, Maeve.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31She's homesick and she's very, very pretty.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your step, chief!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What's going on here?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Look at the floor. Hmm.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Look at the floor.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's currently playing host to a herd of snails.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Well, not a herd.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I'm looking after these snails.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50They get crushed every year and it's a bloody genocide.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Ooh.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Woo!
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Now, George is having another crack at Theresa May.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I look forward to that ensuing mating dance.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Not!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09HE LAUGHS
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Hmm, she's incredibly frigid, Tom.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Just refuses to put out, it's actually quite annoying.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Because you want to watch the snails have sex?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Oh, very dry, Maeve, very dry.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Yes, I suppose I do.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Sorry I'm late.- That's OK.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Slept in. Had a bit of a Throne-athon last night.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33- Oh, OK.- Now...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hey, keep your pecker up.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38There are worse things in the world
0:05:38 > 0:05:40than being sentenced guilty of road rage.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43All right, yeah. Let's still obviously try to avoid that, though.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Oh, no, absolutely. You have to dare to fail, don't you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Now then, your previous convictions...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I did wonder whether this would come up.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There were a couple of misunderstandings
0:05:54 > 0:05:57when I was young, but...
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Oh, my Lord!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You locked 40 Brownies inside a building!
0:06:04 > 0:06:05How long for?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You do a prank, you lose a key, a Brownie has an asthma attack
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and suddenly you're the bad guy.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Everyone needs to chill out.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Yeah, maybe don't say that in there.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Dad, can I ask you a question?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Yes, I will show you this fun video about snails.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Right, not what I was going to say, but...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, correction, snails breeding.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Hmm, feel a bit weird watching...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's not porn, Tom.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I wouldn't watch that with you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Or at all?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Now this, this is the courting dance.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I'm sure you know all about that, you sly old thing.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48I'm not a snail, so...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Not that you need a courting dance.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Why don't you just read her one of your poems?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Because I wrote them when I was 14.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Yes, I know, but that one about futility and dust, and...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Ohh, look.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Look at that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Do you see how graceful it is?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And now the big moment. The male...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11..fires into the female - this is the romantic bit -
0:07:11 > 0:07:14a five millimetre calcium dart.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Laced with mucus.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Oh, God!- Hmm, ooh!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Absolutely sopping with the stuff.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28That's disgusting. Mum, can I ask you a favour?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Let me guess, Tom, this is about money.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31What? How do you know that?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Well at 10.08 your card was declined by a department store
0:07:34 > 0:07:37on Oxford Street. You're over your overdraft limit.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You're paying £1.70 in percentage penalties.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And you haven't given me a cup of tea for about seven years.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Doesn't take a genius to work it out, does it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Oh, my little sweet bean!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48She's like a paid-up member of the Stasi, isn't she, Tom?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Yes! Do you just monitor my bank account day and night?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- No, Tom.- No, not at night.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57No, we play bridge or sleep at night, Tom, you know that.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Tournament this evening, in fact. - OK, but...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The parent bank is closed to you, sir, we can't keep bailing you out.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Yes, you can.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06All right, hold on, hold on. How much do you need?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Couple of hundred quid should do it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Oh, Christ, Ashley, don't be taken in!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You've been letting him shaft you since he was a toddler.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- He's not getting a penny! - Well, how am I going to...?
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Get a job!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Excuse me, I'm Generation X!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Or Y. There aren't any jobs for us, they're all taken, apparently.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Well, Barbara's son's a barber.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- What?- Barbara's son's a barber.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30What are you implying, Les, because she's called Barbara?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Don't be dense, man!
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Well, that's how it used to work.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Greg Smith would become a blacksmith.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Arnold Butcher would become a butcher.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39No, Dad, it's the other way round.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41They got those names because of the jobs they did.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Yes, the chicken and the egg mystery.- No!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, now we're getting to the nub of it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47What do you actually want to be?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I've told you before, Paxman meets Fry.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51- What?- How many times?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Jeremy Paxman meets Stephen Fry, a mixture of the two.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, University Challenge, the odd interview, then books,
0:08:57 > 0:08:58acting and gadget reviews.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01You can't just become Paxman meets Fry.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Um, I know, it's proving very difficult.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05It's a generational curse.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07In the past, it would have been easily doable.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09In the '70s, it was basically graduate, become Paxman.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Now, it's graduate, guess what? Paxman already exists.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13It's hell!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17SHE SIGHS
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Phew. Good. Can't complain.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Well, they found me guilty.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh, were you not guilty?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Well, I guess I was, but...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31You see, this is what I mean, really, eyes bigger than your belly,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32verdict-wise.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Now, pop quiz - have you ever worn an electronic tag before?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What? No!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Well, hopefully it won't be for long.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Now these are the socks that some of my clients like to use
0:09:44 > 0:09:45to cover it up.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46I buy them by the bulk load,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49got a kind of an understanding with the manufacturer.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I'm quite a major customer, actually.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Right.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Ramming a Leukaemia Foundation van, I dunno, you!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It was an accident!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I think I know what's going on here.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You're upset about your conviction.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Yes!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Bound to be, bound to be, love.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Now, listen, curfew-wise, it's in by nine.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Nine?!- PM. Daytime is your oyster.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Can it not just be a little bit later tonight?
0:10:13 > 0:10:14I'm getting a birthday treat.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16They don't care, really, about that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19And obviously, at some point, we will need to
0:10:19 > 0:10:21organise your community service.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22What happens if I'm late for the...?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Back in court, straight back in court, or a cell, or even,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29heaven forfend, but judging by my track record, jail.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Right.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Well, that is me, I'm afraid.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I think it's time for what I have become accustomed to call
0:10:37 > 0:10:39two whole bottles of white wine.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Do you know, I can't believe that you're doing this, Tom.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I don't know what other choice I've got, Maeve.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I mean, I suppose it's fine, isn't it?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53We are basically responsible for any brightness in Gran's life
0:10:53 > 0:10:54post the age of 70.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Do you remember that time we sang down the phone to her at Christmas?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- No.- Hmm.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- That's a blank cheque right there, isn't it?- Hmm.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Gran.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12SOFT VOICE: Graaan.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14She's a deep sleeper, isn't she?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Yeah, very peaceful.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Gran?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- It seems a shame to wake her, really.- Yes.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Still though... LOUD VOICE: Gran? - Tom!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Ever so deaf.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34MOBILE RINGS
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Let this do what comes naturally.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Unbelievable.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45She wants to get those seen to.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Hello?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You're not to ask your gran for money, Tom!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, my God, you're everywhere!
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Well, what can I say, I'm a busybody.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- She is, Tom.- (It's Mum.)
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Do not ask your gran for dough.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55She's right, Tom.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Your gran is incredibly tight-fisted.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, no, that's not the point, Ashley!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03The point is, it's immoral!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04- Well, it's both, Les.- No, it isn't!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Look, Tom, we don't want her to spend all the money now,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- there's a will at the end of this, you know.- Ashley!- What?!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Well, no!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yes, OK, listen. Are you still going to this bridge tournament tonight?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Ha! Would Usain Bolt miss a sprinting match, Tom?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19It's called a race, Les.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, piss off, Ashley. Yes, we are going.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24OK, hold on. Maeve, do you think it's a good idea? Ellen's homesick,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27she misses her mum's lasagne... Do you think I could maybe...?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Tom, are you even talking to us any more?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, so sorry.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33There's no point you being on the phone
0:12:33 > 0:12:35if I'm not even going to talk to you, it's so rude of me.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Let's go, Maeve.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Hello?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Margaret!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, piss off.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Oh.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04He's invited me over for dinner at his parents.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I think I might have nailed this one, Dad.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07On my birthday?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Oh, the perils of downgrading.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Remember when Luke took you to Paris
0:13:12 > 0:13:14and you had a meal in the restaurant up the Eiffel Tower?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Choc ices? Whoops-a-daisy, four in the freezer.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Tickets to the ballet in Moscow.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Skips, the best crisps, multipack, boom!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Followed by a necklace you could use as a deposit on a flat.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And then my favourite, Bananagrams.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I mean, I'm basically George Clooney.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32This is going to be...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- BOTH:- Very interesting.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Bought my own cake. Mum forgot my bubble wrap.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40My date's wining and dining me at his parents'
0:13:40 > 0:13:42and I've got an electronic tag on my ankle.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Happy birthday(!)
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# Love is a thing that I can't describe... #
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Argh, ow!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56# Sounds so foolish if I even try... #
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Put this in your mouth. It helps with the onions.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04That's it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# Love is a verb and a noun as well
0:14:11 > 0:14:15# Find it in the dictionary under L
0:14:15 > 0:14:19# They give you a description They spell it out
0:14:19 > 0:14:23# But they don't say what it's all about
0:14:23 > 0:14:27# Love is a fire that you can't control
0:14:27 > 0:14:31# That burns in the middle and it leaves a hole
0:14:31 > 0:14:32# You can't fill it up
0:14:32 > 0:14:37# And you don't know when it's gonna start to burn again. #
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What am I actually going to do?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I don't know why you didn't just blame your horrendous upbringing.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I didn't have a horrendous upbringing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Yes, you did.- No, I didn't. How can you think that?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54One word - Leeds.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56OK.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I meant, what am I going to do about having to be back by nine
0:14:58 > 0:15:00to avoid prison?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01How am I going to pull that off?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- You've heard of taxis, haven't you? - Yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05But I've got to spend at least two hours there
0:15:05 > 0:15:07or it's taking the piss a bit.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09And I'm not massively keen on him knowing I'm a felon.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Get there early, leave there early. It's the Poirot method.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- The...?- Poirot method.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You pretend you were invited earlier than you actually were,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18turn up an hour or so early.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20The other person will insist it was their mistake
0:15:20 > 0:15:22and you can leave in time for Poirot.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23That does sound good.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'll call you at a good time, like it's an emergency.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27I think I'll try that, then.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29This is the perfect birthday pres,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31making me a no-brainer romantic partner.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh, just recite your poem they read out in assembly, honestly.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37No, Dad, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, famously.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Also, obviously I'll pay you back for the ingredients.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- I've got it just how she likes. - No, no, no, Tom,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44just say we had stuff in or you found a fiver in your slacks.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I. Gave. You. Nothing. Do you hear?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Doesn't bear thinking about. - What's she actually going to do, Dad?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Well, it's all rather cloak and dagger,
0:15:53 > 0:15:54but, you know, TV rights will be revoked.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- What have you been watching recently? - Wife Swap.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Hmm, is that because you sometimes think about...?- Oh, just a bit.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What, five days being nagged by Jenny Bond?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Yes, puh-lease!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Barely covers it. What else?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Oh, yes, no more Soreen fruit loaf.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Ah-ha.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14And then of course there's the...ahem.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16The other thing.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Let's not talk about the other thing, Dad.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Understood, but your mother can hold out.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23OK!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26She's like one of those beetles in the desert.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Is she?- They can survive a nuclear holocaust, Tom.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- OK, I'm going.- You do know I'm talking about sex, don't you?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Yes, I know!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah, I made that lasagne you like because I know you miss it
0:16:44 > 0:16:47from home, but I just hope you enjoy it, really.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Me? Blogger, mainly. I've got about over 30 subscribers,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54but I don't like to shout about it, do you know what I mean?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Music-wise, Radiohead really,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and I also like, have you heard of classic music?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03That's, um... Into that.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06And I'm getting into, I'm starting to think about getting into reggae.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Hmm.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- CRUNCH - I heard that!- What?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19That sound.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, what? Oh, was it a snail?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Ooh...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25God!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28No, my very worst nightmare.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Bovver boots too!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Um, I wasn't expecting a snail.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I wasn't really thinking about snails.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Nobody ever does.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Is he going to be OK?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, yes, yes...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He's having a whale of a time.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You've fractured his skull, love!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50You have basically broken his spine
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and torn the roof off his house in one fell swoop.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54That is bad.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, I'm so...I am so upset, but you know, it's a snail after all.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I know.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02According to wikiHow, well, they can sometimes survive these things.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Oh, well, that's good.- Good?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07You think this is, I'm quoting here,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"really, really good, fantastic news?"
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No, no, I didn't mean to say...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14You're happy, let's celebrate. Oh, bring out the bunting.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'm Ellen, by the way. Um, I'm Tom's...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19This isn't time for that, this snail's life is currently
0:18:19 > 0:18:21flashing before its tentacles!
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, Smeg.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He had a lot of guts, this one.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Is...is Tom around?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Oh, you're early.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Tom said you'd be here for eight o'clock and it's a quarter to seven.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42What's going on?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You must be joking!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh, I can't see what has happened there.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Ashley!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Wear a tie at least. You look like someone who installs windows.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52He's in his room, love.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Top of the carpet hill, first turnstile on the left.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Yes, I exercise.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I like to do mainly thigh work.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I've got rock hard thighs, basically.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- You're early!- Aargh!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18SHOUTS: Mum! Mum!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Mummy!
0:19:20 > 0:19:25OK, so it's all about distracting attention away. Ellen, Ellen - away.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Away. So...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Have we even got a first aid kit?! What's he done with it?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Have you seen the Red Dwarf DVDs? - What are you talking about?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm trying to distract her from the pain. She's suffering. Quickly, Tom.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Just get her a glass of water whilst we find the first aid kit, Dad!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Glass of water, brilliant distraction.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well done, Jocky Wilson!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ashley, where have you put the bloody...?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Ah...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- OK.- OK.- Hurry up.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Right, well, that's empty. - What do you mean empty?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- There's nothing in there.- We need more than that. Nothing isn't enough.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Yes, well, we need to disinfect her cos there is such a thing as, Thomas, tetanus!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Is there? God, that sounds bad. I thought that was in the past.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Did we not sort of get over that as a society?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- No, you're thinking of dropsy or the puking fever.- I'm not, actually.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08We need antiseptic and bandages.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11That is what we need, Tom. That is where we're currently at.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14OK. I'll get some, I'll go. I'm going to make this all OK.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Please don't be weird with Ellen. - It'll be fine, Tom.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oh, God!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Ellen. Oh, distraction, distraction, distraction.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24There we go, who's that?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Who's that?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Come on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I'm here, Maeve, give me what you've got. I don't know what Mum and Dad
0:20:30 > 0:20:33are doing with Ellen and it's making my internal organs feel actually sad.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It says on this here anonymous blog...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Not a good start, Maeve.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Teapot!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Ah, Bogger.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Um, thing is, great to see you, pal. It's not a great time, to be honest.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- ROBOTIC VOICE:- Teapot, we are going for a pint, mate.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49- Um...- 'Who's that?'
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It's Bogger. Not a great time, to be honest, Bogs.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Yeah.- You said Bogger? You haven't seen him since school, have you?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56What are you doing with Bogger, then?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I'm not trying to be with Bogger. No offence, Bogger.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00No way.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Didn't Bogger kill a cat? - Not now, Maeve!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You seem stressed out, Teapot.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Teapot was never my nickname.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Just think of it as a splinter, if that helps.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It's honestly fine.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Big metal splinter plunged into the bicep muscle.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- OK, Ashley. - Oh, these things happen, it's fine.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19In the Middle Ages, this wouldn't even have been an event.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20We need to extract it, of course.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Have you got something she can bite down on for the pain?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Oh, God.- Stick an apple in her mouth?- Oh, God!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Should we not wait for Tom? - Yes, maybe we should.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I actually don't have that long, bit of a mix-up, because...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- We'll be doing it now, Ellen. - OK, it's just...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Do we need to take it out?
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Could it, you know, just stay there, for now/indefinitely?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'll be taking it out, Ellen. I've got pumped up for it, you see.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It's my grandfather's dart, that's the problem.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- They don't like to see it leave the premises.- Fair enough.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- LAUGHING:- And how would you get your coat on over that?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They're all valid points.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Oh, look at that, the fruit bowl's on fire!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What? Ow! You witch!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Shit!
0:21:57 > 0:21:58No!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Sorry!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I really, really didn't mean that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05That was very, very unkind!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I don't even know anything about you these days.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Jesus Christ!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Um, jobless, penniless, just threw a dart into a woman. You?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- I didn't know that you played darts. - That's not the point, pal.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I just got married.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And my first novel is being published in September.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23OK, that's...that's great.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Maeve... Are you kidding me?!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I mean, you were literally very dribbly in sixth form.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I got myself together.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34OK, that's great. I do not have time for this now.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Maeve, is that honestly all you've got for me?
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Yeah, hold on.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Where do you live now?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42A little five-bed in Primrose Hill.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Primrose Hill! What, a five-bed?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47A house, yeah.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, one of the bedrooms is more of a study-cum-chill out zone,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51though, really.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53And one of the rooms scares me anyway.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56EMOTIONLESS LAUGH
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Again, I am so, so sorry. It was instinct.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03It's fine.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, without sounding too lovey-dovey,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I am absolutely made up he put a dart in you, Ellen.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- MOBILE BEEPS - Ashley, it's not exactly classic seduction.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12That, that is a point.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Oh, my God, is it 8.30 already?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I think I know what will seal the deal.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What are you doing, Ashley? This feels like poor form.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- You know what, I... - Tom's poem from the early noughties.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Lovely offer, but, um, well, my flatmate is...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27There is always time for verse, petal.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Now, at this time, Tom was heartbroken.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Was it by that Vicky girl from, I think it was, Sepley Street?- Hmm.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Anyway, she had cheated on him,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38now bearing in mind he was 15, with...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41..a ten year old.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Oh, dear.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Ten-year-old chorister.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And this was his creative response to that incident.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Look, I know you really want to read me that poem
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and I know I just elbowed you in the face, but I genuinely...
0:23:51 > 0:23:55"Cackling black eagles eat away at my face..."
0:23:55 > 0:23:56OK, fine.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00"Am I the first to feel so much, so young?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"Vicks turneth her tricks With the songbird a decade young
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"Still quite handsome In spite of eczema.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"But am I not noble?
0:24:09 > 0:24:15"But I bear my cross like Jesus - Jaunty, with a spring in my step."
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Great. Well, we won't embarrass Tom...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"The bitch wouldn't listen with her slutty ears!
0:24:20 > 0:24:25"Perhaps I should cut the rod from off my bod and cast it..."
0:24:25 > 0:24:26His penis, Ellen.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29"..into the sea."
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Well, cool.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Phew, powerful stuff.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Indeed, indeed. I really have to go.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Well, that fits with our schedule. Ashley, clothing.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41All right, Les.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Oh, it's a shame you couldn't stay for the lasagne.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47He cooked me a lasagne?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Choc ices, Skips.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Bananagrams!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53That's all the stuff I told him I miss from home.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That is so nice.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Maybe I'll just stay. I'm just going to stay.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I think that's the tetanus talking.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01No, honestly, that is the sweetest...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yeah, no, well, we simply have to leave,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06and I won't leave a wounded stranger unattended in the house.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- No offence.- None taken.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10But, please, disinfect yourself when you get home.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Ashley, by the creeping course of Christ, clothing!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Les, all right. Gee!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, God, I probably should, but could you just tell him...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Yes, yes. Anyway, this is his present for you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23To be honest, I think it's entirely empty.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Oh, sure.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29MUSIC: Beach Baby by Bon Iver
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Goodbye then, Ellen.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43CRUNCH
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oh, no, Ellen, no. Oh, God!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'm so sorry.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Um... Hang on. Oh, I think I'm getting the...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- CRUNCH - Hmm, hang of it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Oh, please let that be it, Ellen. I can't take it, lass.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Hold on, I think this is all right.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01- CRUNCH - What did I just say?!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03They are well camouflaged, aren't they?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- CRUNCH - I didn't even move then.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Oh, Smeg, this is a whitewash!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13This is Nam! This is Nam all over again!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14- I'm so sorry!- Oh!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# Only hold till your coffee warms
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# But don't hurry and speed
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Once a time put a tongue
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# In your ear on the beach... #
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Where is she?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50They're all dead, Tom.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52What? Shut up. Where's Ellen?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54She's on the warpath, mate. She's got a taste for it,
0:26:54 > 0:26:55the old Frenchman's fever.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Has she gone, Dad? - Yes, she's gone, Tom.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02You put a dart in her, left, your father read one of your poems...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03You did what?!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And on her way out, she slaughtered all the snails,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- so he's quit the bridge tournament. - Out of respect.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08I'm still going.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I hate to be a pessimist,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13but I don't think Cupid has let his arrow fly today, young man.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15DOORBELL
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- How did you know?- Say again?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Bubble wrap, it's perfect. Thank you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Well, I try.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- I've got to go.- OK.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Well, my baby love, love, loves me now
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# Even more than I prayed for
0:27:39 > 0:27:43# My baby love, love, loves me now
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Even more than I prayed
0:27:46 > 0:27:50# I prayed, I asked
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# But I didn't expect this
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# My baby love, love, loves me now
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# Even more than I prayed for
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Even more than I prayed
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Well, she loves
0:28:06 > 0:28:07# She does
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# But I had to be ready for it
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# She loves
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# She does
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# But I had to be ready. #