0:00:10 > 0:00:11What are we watching?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13We've been watching it for 40 minutes, Mum!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Answer the question, I can't help it if my mind wanders.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Sharpe.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19The thing with Sean Bean, Napoleonic war vibe.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22It says here that donkeys live longer than horses.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Mum, Jesus! - That doesn't seem fair.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28It's called Sharpe, Ellen loves it, so I thought it would be nice to...
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Swot up on it, so you can appear to know more about it than you do
0:00:31 > 0:00:34to trick her into getting into bed with you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- I get it.- Erm...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Yeah, basically, yeah.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Trying to organise a sort of day trip type thing, I thought,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44after I drove a dart into her arm, it might be quite useful to...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- What the hell are you doing?! - No, you're right, it doesn't matter.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It's called a Biro inventory, Les.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51You've been married to me for 30 years,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54it's the second Friday of the month, you shouldn't have to ask.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57You're doing my noodle at the moment, Ash!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Do you think I'd fare well in this sort of sitch?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02The heroism, the battlefield?
0:01:02 > 0:01:06They didn't have hay fever back then, did they? So...
0:01:06 > 0:01:09"No" is the tip of the iceberg on this one, I think, Tom.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I don't know. Well, that's a thought, actually.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- PHONE VIBRATES - Oh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Here he is.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22What's he like?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"Good day. Ma'am."
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Oh my God, he's invited me to an English country estate.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh my God, that's insane.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It's like he's inside my brain.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's like he's been miniaturised, injected into my brain matter
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and is inside my brain looking out of my own eyes watching
0:01:40 > 0:01:42everything I say and do.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Isn't it romantic?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48This cave covered in crystals, Maeve, that we're going to go to,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51is the most romantic place in Britain, according to BuzzFeed.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And we can go in. Oh, gosh!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I mean, I may as well be Jane Gibbons!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Who's Jane Gibbons?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Nice try, Hermione.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Seriously though?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Oh, my God! Ever heard of Sharpe's second wife?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06The seamstress? Brought up by her uncle?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09No, don't let me interfere. You go on without me.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- But I shouldn't text back immediately, should I? - Not listening, Ellen.- Right.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well... I'll text him back.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18In ten minutes.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Yes, you're a real ball-breaker. - I know.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31Muskets are longer than I thought, actually. Butt to barrel.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- How long does it take you to reply to a text?- Five seconds?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Fine, instant. The power of instant technology, speed of light.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Right, crap! I've misjudged it, I've misjudged it massively!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- What's going on?- Country estate trip? Who am I, Colin Firth?!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Thanks for contradicting me, everyone!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01God, I'm going to just beat a retreat,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03get my guys out alive. And by guys, I mean pride.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- PHONE VIBRATES - Oh. Here he is again.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08He is insatiable.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He says...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18No kiss.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, that's depressing.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Fine. If he wants to invite some friends.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28She does want to bring one? Oh, wunderbar!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, it's not that bad.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I mean, I can big you up.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Presuming I'm taking you?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, who else are you taking?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Yeah, carry on.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39You'll have that support, then, won't you?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- We'll be there, or thereabouts. - What?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Not a good time to mention that, Ash.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- Bigging you on?- Up. - I'll say it again, what?!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Long story short, we took you off the insurance on the Skoda Octavia.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54We'll drive you there, hang around, drive you back.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Why did you take me off the insurance for the Skoda Octavia, Dad?!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Well, funnily enough, as an ex-copper,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02the minute I saw your take on lane discipline, chum!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05God, you're crap, Ashley!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Skidding around like a piece of soap.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Why didn't you tell me earlier, before I made this bloody offer?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Because I knew you'd make me feel bad.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15This is just the worst.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17There you go.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I knew it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Right, OK.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29please, please stay away from me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I say it in the kindest possible terms, because I love you guys,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34you've been wonderful parents, but I have drawn up a map of, well,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"quadrants" I've called them, which you are strictly prohibited from.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Yes, your father said.- Erm, Maeve, Maeve, Maeve...?- Yes, paperwork.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46So, you get everything from the lake to the folly, yeah?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48We are everything from the waterfall to the grotto.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52So, you know, let's have fun, let's enjoy ourselves, but if you do
0:04:52 > 0:04:55violate these quadrants, we'll come after you like a pack of dogs, OK?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Seek and ye shall find!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59So said the Reverend Simms.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Stupid man!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Time for a quick comfort break.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05For the hundredth time, Ashley, don't say "comfort break,"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07say you're going to the loo or for a wee.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Doesn't matter! - OK, fine, I'm going for a wee-wee.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11One "wee", Ashley!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Well obviously, Les, you can't do two wees at once.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Although I have seen pictures which showed a bifurcated penis...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Right Ashley, just pack it in, just stop it!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23You are doing my head in at the moment!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I feel like I am drowning!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30TOILET FLUSHES
0:05:30 > 0:05:34A TINNY RECORDING OF DON'T STOP THE PARTY BY PITBULL PLAYS
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- What is that?- Nothing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Ashley?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41It's my toilet roll alarm.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Someone hang me. Genuinely.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Dad, what is a toilet roll alarm?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Yeah, what's...? Yeah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It reminds me to buy more toilet roll.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53We don't want another one of your, well,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I won't allude explicitly to the event, but let's just say
0:05:56 > 0:06:00we all know your mum doesn't love the Guardian, but in the mid-'90s
0:06:00 > 0:06:04she was forced into a situation where she had to carry out
0:06:04 > 0:06:06a threat she'd been absent-mindedly making for about a decade.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Vis-a-vis wiping with the Guardian.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Offski.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Rydale family, forward, march!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Oh, look - I'm just going to say this - not convinced about the cardi,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28but it's too late to change now, so I'm not going to mention it,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and just say that I actually really like it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Thank you for the compliment.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And I'm assuming I'm good to invite someone to this
0:06:36 > 0:06:40date-cum-country-house-pensioner- outing that this kind of
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Ron Weasley character seems to... - Well, he's not ginger, so...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47He is ginger. In principle.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49He's a total bozo.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53And fine, you're settling for a third-tier Joe because you're worried about your eye-bags.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54I didn't know I had eye-bags.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- But what about what I want?- What?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Oh, forget I ever said anything, seriously.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Look, I just need you to stop at that pharmacy on Princes Avenue,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- pick up some chewing gum. - Right. We haven't got long, so...
0:07:05 > 0:07:09My antidepressants, then! Fine! You got it out of me!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Congratulations. You see what happens when you rush people?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know you were...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It's only Locolopram. Everyone's on it these days.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- It's basically the new Netflix.- OK.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You know what? I think you're right, Les.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I think you are right, I have become a square.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Feck it!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36When we get there, I'm going to buy you a Luton Bun.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Just the two of us, sod the cost. Oh, damn!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- What?- What? - I've taken a wrong turning.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Have you?!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Towards Hip Valley!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47NOODLY JAZZ MUSIC
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Oh, my God!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Oh, yeah. - Oh, now this is more like it!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58This cat is burning the paint off the walls.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59- Amen.- They're unbearable.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03This mama has got a snare drum stuck right up her arse!
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Ashley! - Lesley, I'm just finding my level.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Wake me when it's over.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Hey, Luke, Hermione here.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Just calling to say Ellen's having a picnic today,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20and she'd really like you to come.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24She's got a date coming, so bring a picnic and your A-game.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28The Fossett Estate, 1pm, be there or be a four-sided equilateral.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31SHE SNORTS A square!
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Bye!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Coming, Ellen! Sorry!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Let dating commence. - Knock her dead, son.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Yeah, sort of.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, this is going to be good.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Off you go.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Come on.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Hmm, that's weird.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02What?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05There's been this sort of scraping noise in the car ever
0:09:05 > 0:09:07since I rammed that van and I took it to the garage on Tuesday
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and they said I needed to have something replaced.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I mean they were scamming me, basically.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But now, completely out of nowhere,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18it looks like it has in fact broken down.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Bolt from the blue.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That's where they should be, but we're going over there.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30It's Tom, isn't it? I'm Luke. I'm joining you guys. Friend of Ellen's.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm... Yes, I'm Tom. Good to meet you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Maeve Lesley Rydale. Hello. - Yeah, this is my sister.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Yes, but we're very different.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- It doesn't have to be the first thing you say.- Enchante.- OK...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Parlez Francais?- Er, oui... - OK, OK, yes, great,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47so shall we set up the picnic for when the ladies arrive?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yeah, see you in 2018.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Probably right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Prime Minister will be Nigel Farage
0:09:54 > 0:09:57and Steve Jobs will be reincarnated as a robot.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59He's riffed on it.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That's wonderful stuff.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That's probably the best stuff I've heard in, well,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- the last quarter, actually - financial quarter.- Right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Um, I've brought some pretty special things, by the way.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13God, she's always running a bit late, isn't she?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I don't know, really, it's only our second date.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19On our second date I was taking her out to this Iranian restaurant...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- What, what, what?- Iranian. Actually, was it Iranian?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I can't remember if I was actually speaking Farsi or Pashto.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, no, no, no.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30No, you dated, did you?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Yeah, we went out.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Yeah, for quite a while, actually. - Oh, lovely.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- The plot thickens. - Oh, yes, three great years.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Ah, that's fabulous... That's lovely to know.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48- Ah, shall we, um... What an absolutely barn-storming success so far.- Oh, yes.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- And good to meet you. - And you too, Tom.- Lovely.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54You should see my picnic, Tom. Got a few surprises for you here.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I think we've had enough surprises for one day.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58You are, you're ruining it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I'm not ruining anything. I'm saving you.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03You must have liked Luke at one point, Ellen.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08By the end it was horrid. He would pop a Smint every time he kissed me and I found it very creepy.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Where are you going?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I'm just going for a little wee.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hermione, we've got to hurry.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Can you please be quick?! - You can't hurry a wee, Ellen!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17It takes as long as it takes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's like a risotto.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23SHE SIGHS
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Hello.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Hi.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Hi there.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Hermione?!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Such a splendid day.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Definitely.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It's lovely.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Be gone.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- What?- Nothing.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Nothing at all.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about love.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I see.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Are you here looking for your loved ones?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Er, no, my wife's in Canterbury.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57The Cathedral.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58I understand.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01The writer Stendhal said,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"In the salt mines of Salzburg,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"they throw a leafless wintry bough
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"into one of the abandoned workings.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"Two or three months later
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"they haul it out covered with a shining
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"deposit of salt crystals."
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Okey-doke.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"The smallest twig, no bigger than a tom-tit's claw,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"is studded with a galaxy of scintillating diamonds."
0:12:26 > 0:12:30When you're in love, this is how everything looks,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34everything you can see, coated in crystals.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Thank you.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Who are you talking to?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Hermione, can you see that man?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- What man?- Oh, my God, I think this road is haunted!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Really?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Oh, no, I'm not a ghost.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Here I am. Hi.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I'm just doing the, um, Battle of Borodino later.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56It's all OK. Sorry, I'm Mark, Mark Tetherford.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57We should probably get off.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00What, you were only talking to me because you thought I was a ghost?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Well, yes, I guess so.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Wow! Wow, that's cut me to the quick.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Gosh. Why don't people want to hang out with me?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's the beard, isn't it?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Right, I really don't have time for this.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Keep your pecker up, mate. Hermione, push.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, that is fabulous stuff! Oh, what a raconteur.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I'm about to get on my bloody feet and start clapping you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Like, are we actually realising Orwell's vision of 1984?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ah, yeah. Serious side, as well.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well, yeah, bravo.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Society, blurgh!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- It's a bag of crap, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Er, sorry, love, um, could be Yemen calling.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Like Yemen's calling you!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Essentially, yeah, it's a UN thing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Right.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Nice guy.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51What? What are you talking about? He's been on dates with Ellen!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So? People in glass houses, Tom.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57And it's good that you've got things in common, it's your umbilical cord.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Look, I'm a bad judge of character,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I spend 90% of my time with my sister, but I don't like him!
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I've got a feeling he's after Ellen.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Luke wouldn't do that. Anyway, she could do a lot worse.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Maeve, I'm right here! - Yeah, that's what I mean.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Guys, it was actually Hermione who just called. Ellen's car broke down.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Someone towed it in, but I told them to go and freshen up
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- while we look under the bonnet for her, OK?- Yeah, great.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Good to get an opportunity to "get mechanical," as I say.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21- You never say that.- Shut up, Maeve.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Do you want to pop the lid?- Yeah.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Right, um...
0:14:29 > 0:14:30HORN BEEPS
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- That, um...- Do you know how to?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Yeah, no, decided to sound the horn once, just as a warning,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37before I... "pop the lid".
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So, um... HORN BEEPS AGAIN
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Yeah, just do that twice, just do that three times, just to be,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45just before I open what's known as the bonnet of the car.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Sure.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52So, um, let's have a little look see.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Er, wipers.- Yeah, I know, it's just a process of um...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Indicators. - Yeah, ah-ha. Ah-ha. Good.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That's all the rudimentary checks complete and now to press
0:15:01 > 0:15:03the only remaining button in the car, as far as I can tell.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Er, having satisfied myself that it's all quite safe.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10You know, a novice could work out it's this button by a process of elimination,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13but, luckily for me, I know the workings of a car almost instinctively.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Sure.- So, one more honk of the horn.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17HORN BEEPS AGAIN
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Just to be safe. - I think it's working.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- And then Bob is your... Bob, Bob...- Bob's your uncle.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Bob's your uncle. - That's it, yeah, you've got it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Great, so, um... LOUD RADIO MUSIC
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh for... Fine, fine! That's, I'll just... I'll look at the generator.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Tom, come here.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Do you think you should just let him? I mean he does exude expertise.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Maeve, when Ellen gets here, I have to be seen to be helpful and competent.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42- I mean, that's vital.- OK.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Um, Tom, I think you may have bodged the wipers, do you want to
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- check if there's anything caught in the windscreen wipers? - Yeah, cool, boy.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Let's have a little...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- Yeah, just there.- Um...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Argh, argh!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Oh!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Oh, my eyes!- Oh, got you!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He has got everything. He's even got pranks!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I can't see, I cannot see!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Sorry, mate, I couldn't resist, I really couldn't.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Oh, absolutely classic. This has been my best day so far.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I'm blind. I mean, I'm finally blind.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I want to find my mum.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Hi.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Hi. I'm fine.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21ENGINE STARTS
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Oh, dear.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27So, um...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30When now, when... When did,
0:16:30 > 0:16:35when was the last time we all came, you know, to a park?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38PHONE RINGS Oh sorry, do excuse me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Saved by the phone, bell ringing, never mind.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Yes, yes? Can't talk now, my date's unravelling.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Your mother's broken her pelvis.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50What? I don't... What on earth...?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's your father here, I did that to get your attention - she hasn't broken her pelvis.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Oh, right.- It's her leg.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57She fell from one area to another area further down.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Leg snapped like a pencil stick.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Oh, my God!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Maeve, can I ask you a question?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09OK, yes, he does live at home. Yes, he did use to dress up as a 19th century female theatre impresario,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12put on an accent and demand that we call him Lady Buscombe,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14the Dowager of Soho.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Maybe don't guess the question.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Your wish is my command.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Um, why did Tom invite other people on my date?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Um, I don't really know how to answer this.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Oh sorry, no, I shouldn't have asked, forget it. It's just...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Well, I was looking forward to it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32The picnic, the romantic caves,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and then all of a sudden, you know, but... Errgh.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Tell me.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'm kidding.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45But seriously, can you tell me? Because I am a bit on edge.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Um, well basically you took quite a long time to reply,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51so he thought that you weren't into it.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Oh...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Well, that's better than I thought.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Where actually has Tom actually gone, in fact?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58He was just on the phone.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, well, no, he hasn't gone, I mean he'll be there.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Well, he isn't there.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Well, while we're waiting, shall we just go
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and have a look at this ruined abbey or something?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Yes. We can go and come back quite quickly.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I palmed the guy a 20 and he said that we could use the golf buggy.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You really do understand the world, Luke.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Could have a look at that cave, too.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I'm... Well, I'm feeling quite peaky, actually.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I might head back to the car.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Just us, then, El.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Hold on, I'll go and fetch Tom, be back in a minute.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I'll bring him back here.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Come on, legs, off we go.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40WOOD CREAKS TWIG SNAPS
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Ow!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48What's going on, what...? What are you doing?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Oh, we got you. Tom! - We bloody got him, Les.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- What's going on? - "My name's Tom and I'm terrified.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"And I don't like getting hit by things."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Excellent, Ash. He brought his catapult.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"Hey, Tom!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"Oh, my leg is so broken!
0:19:04 > 0:19:05"Oh, no, it's snapped in half.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09"Mummy's leg's snapped in half, we're devastated!"
0:19:09 > 0:19:11You're in the wrong quadrant.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You made the quadrants, you're in our quadrant,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15because you care about me!
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I'm on a date!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"Oh, he's on a date!"
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Oh, don't be such an old stick-in-the-mud, Tom.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Old man of the sands.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Boring old Tom, as good as dead, Les!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What's wrong with you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I'm high, boy!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Touching the sky. Solid visuals, pumping vibes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Problem?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I can't take this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, here we go.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Ellen's brought her ex and he's a very impressive fellow
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and I'm worried I don't measure up. I mean, I...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Here, boy. Here, boy, come, come boy.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I really...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Oh, my God, I mean I just turned round when someone called their dog!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's my level, isn't it?!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54In the hierarchy of humanity, I consider myself one of the pets!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's not so bad, Tom. You get your afternoons to yourself.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59This is the worst day ever.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, now, none of that!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Ow, Dad!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Don't do that!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Oh I'm getting a taste for this, Les!- Oh, me, too, Ash.- Oh!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- I'm totally invigorated. - Oh, me, too, Ashley!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I'm enjoying this!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24What's going on? She's mine!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27They've gone to the abbey. It's weird, isn't it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Luke and Ellen... I'm piecing this together as I'm watching it, really,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33but Ellen and her ex are going on the date that you planned.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36How does that make you feel? I'm curious.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37They're heading east.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40They're not going to the abbey, but to the crystal-covered cave, Maeve.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44That's the most romantic place in Britain. If they set foot in there, it's game over, single Pringle.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Ellen!- She can't hear you. Ellen, Ellen!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Um, er, wolf whistle, rally cry of the alpha male.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It's the shape of the fingers and the shape of the mouth
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- and how you blow. - I... Oh, it's my nails.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- And now it's just me doing it. - Look, no this way.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Ow! Oh, I bit myself.- Look up.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, that's galling.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06That's Charles de Gaulle-ing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10We have to get to that cave, Maeve. Follow me.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Hold on, hold on, what's the scale on this?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- The scale, um, right, well that's the path.- Yeah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Um, no, that's all I've got at this juncture.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Hold on, the caves are just there, which is
0:21:21 > 0:21:23actually just the other side of this pond.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Yeah, that looks smaller on here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Yeah, maps are smaller than the real thing, or life
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- would get very complicated.- Yes, Maeve.- We could phone Mum and Dad.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I'm not phoning Mum and Dad, they've gone rogue.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Problem solving, problem solving, problem solving...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Saying "problem solving" won't solve the problem. For crying out loud!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Boat.- What?- Boat.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, don't be ridic...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Rowing over there is the sort of thing that bloody Sharpe would...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, my good God!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Fetch me an oar.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Do you want to just go over to where they are?- Yeah, no, totally.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- Because me going over there, fetching it, bringing it back, given the time issue.- 100%.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Shall we poddle over?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07No, it's this way.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Ready?- Yeah.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's nice here, isn't it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's beautiful.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40What?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, nothing.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46OK, I'll tell you.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I was just remembering how well you got along with little Tipper.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh, my God! I loved little Tipper.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53It was all so sad.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56He was a good dog.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I know it sounds corny as hell,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02it's just the past,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06the beautiful past,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08trespassing the present.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Right...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14So, what sort of phrases does Tom come up with in conversation?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18What a stinking heap of guff!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Oh, come on, Tom, it's not that far.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23That quote unquote "boat" ought to be ashamed of itself!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Look at me!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Oh, come on.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Here, have my coat.- Thanks.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- It's not that bad. - Oh, it's over, Maeve!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I'm soaked, I smell of algae and failure.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Luke just is better than me. He's wonderful!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I know I'm nice. I know I'm entertaining, but Luke just
0:23:43 > 0:23:47does have a more robust CV than I do - in that he has one!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I've got nothing to my name, absolutely zip.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I get up, I flap around,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I practice acceptance speeches for the Booker Prize and I go to bed.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57That honestly is the long and short of Tom Rydale!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Are you all right?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Yeah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04LUKE LAUGHS
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, good story.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I love telling that story.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Oh.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Bloody hell, they're searching everyone.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Apparently someone's been catapulting civilians
0:24:18 > 0:24:19with projectiles.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23God, people are just sickening.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29This is nice.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I really just wanted some time to just talk to you, you know.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I really wanted to talk to you, too.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Really?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Yeah, you've got to let it go, Luke.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Let what go? That doesn't sound right, given the surroundings.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Well let this go.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It's over.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I don't think it is, though.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I mean, name one thing about me that's not good.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Well, that's just it -
0:24:53 > 0:24:56you're a bit too sort of perfect.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Um, I'll change. I'll be less charming for a start.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03It's not that, it's just you're so impressive and ambitious, but...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'll get a demotion, I'll reduce my number of contacts.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07You're just not for me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I fundamentally dispute that.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I mean, look at this Tom guy.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14He's nowhere to be seen.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15I know.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Whereas...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23..I'm here.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24PHONE BLEEPS
0:25:26 > 0:25:27I've got to save her.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28What?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I've got to save her, Maeve. I've got to save her.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Where's the...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh, wait!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I've got to get over there!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Wait, wait! Tom, this is heavy.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Present!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Fire!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29'When you're in love,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31'everything you can see
0:27:31 > 0:27:34'is coated in crystals.'
0:27:34 > 0:27:37MUSIC PLAYS TO END