0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Uh-oh!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29No need to sneak around, me old top. I know the walk of shame
0:00:29 > 0:00:30when I see it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33What are you two doing up?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34It's the hottest day of the year, Tom.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35We're making the most.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38It's going to be so hot there was a warning on the news.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41They say an OAP might perish. We've got lollies.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Now, come on, I want to know all about it.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- Somebody get some?- Dad!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48God have mercy! Don't be so revolting, Ashley!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Just asking my son, did you get some sugar?
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Because it also said online
0:00:52 > 0:00:55it's statistically the randiest day of the year, too.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Honestly, Ashley, your interest in this is bordering on the incestuous.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Incestuous? Don't be daft, Les!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- All right!- Well, I don't fancy Tom. No offence.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06None taken.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07He's not for everyone.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Personally, I won't intrude, Tom. It's the 21st century.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Do as you will. Go out, cosy up with a basic stranger,
0:01:14 > 0:01:15contract what you like.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Contract? - You know what I'm talking about.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Which venereal disease is Kate Moss wearing this season?- Lesley!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- What?- Yeah! I'm simply making a satirical point, Ashley,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25because it turns out that my son is a hussy.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Lesley, in the force, that would be considered aggro conduct.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No, I've given up caring, Ashley. Gave up a long time ago,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33round about the time he flunked Grade 2 flute.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Where's that come from?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I could have played Fur Elise better than that,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37you baguette-fingered sop!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Has she had her coffee, Dad? - Sadly not.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Go out, get contracting and get contracting quick
0:01:42 > 0:01:45but I will not stand by your bedside when my disease-addled son
0:01:45 > 0:01:48shrivels up into the human equivalent of a Kettle Chip.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Mum, I didn't have sex!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52OK? I didn't have sex.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55I didn't...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59..get round to it.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Pick up the cool box, Ashley. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Sorry?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08You didn't get round to it?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I shouldn't have said that. I'm not talking about it with you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'm just a bit stressed out. Forget about it.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16It's warming up outside.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Was it nerves?- What? No!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Didn't get round to it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Wasn't nerves. Look at that! Nerves of steel.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- It's not doing anything. - That's the point! Steady hand.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31You can't just hold your hand out and expect to win back our respect.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33HE LAUGHS
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh, Tom!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Good morning, Vietnam! Blazin' out there!
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Morning.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47This is Warner. It's baking so he took his top off.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Oh. Hi, Warner. How you doing?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Yeah, good, ta.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I love Coco Pops. I'm not allowed them at home.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Right. Well, that's good.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59He's 18. Coffee, Warner?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- Can I?- Yeah. Don't say it like that!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Hermione, can I have a...
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Sure.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I know! Bit of a wild night.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Hunting till the early hours,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14tool it home with a grouse slung over the shoulder,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17pluck it, stuff it, eat it. Know what I mean?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Think so, yeah. He's quite young.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Daddy will just burst!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Sorry, Daddy! We can all have inappropriate sexual partners!
0:03:26 > 0:03:27SHE GIGGLES
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Ha... So how did you...?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33He's the skivvy on the block of flats Dad's building in Reading.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Eek!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Ellen, eek!
0:03:38 > 0:03:39- Eek.- Eek!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Eek.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Added him on Facebook, saw he was going to a club
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and then I just bumped into him there.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Did you find out where he was clubbing
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and then go looking for him there on your own?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I think he left Liverpool because he did something bad.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Ssh! Ooh!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Hermione, you don't have to pretend that you're happy about this.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Oh, Jesus, Ellen! I can literally taste your jealousy in the air!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I mean, God! So, so sorry you weren't the only one to get sex last night(!)
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I didn't get sex last night.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12What?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So what happened? Oh, you didn't forget your inhaler, did you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17There's nothing wrong with me. I'm Steady Eddie, safe hands.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Ow!- Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing a game.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No! That hurt my hand!
0:04:21 > 0:04:22So what happened?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25So he came over for dinner. It was all going really well,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27having loads of fun, yada yada yada.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I'm hitting all my targets, 9pm, kissing,
0:04:29 > 0:04:3210pm, dancing in her living room, 11pm, getting pretty handsy, and
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I've basically got carte blanche,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36not that I abused that right. Midnight...
0:04:36 > 0:04:39We come to my room, I'm getting into my stride, playing Enya.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It was the night. It was obviously the night.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Then I realise I'm still wearing my electronic tag.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I keep calling them cos it's meant to be off by now,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49but I just forgot in all the excitement.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51So we're in bed.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52I'm doing my thang.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Follow procedure. First thing, boff! Bye-bye, blouse!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58That way, I can start loosening my bugbear - tight, high-waisted jeans.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01They're impossible! They're like trying to peel a tomato!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Oh, just plunge them into boiling water. Um, the tomatoes, not her.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07He's sort of grunting into my neck cos he can't
0:05:07 > 0:05:10get my jeans off and I realise there's just no way around it.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11So I say...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14BOTH: "I'm exhausted. Maybe we should just get some rest."
0:05:14 > 0:05:16All of a sudden, just like that.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I mean, I wanted to, obviously.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And then she starts sleep-talking, Maeve!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I had loads of really angsty dreams about the whole stupid situation,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25me getting arrested and whatnot.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27She's moaning, "Oh, officer, officer!"
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The offending officer's supposed to be coming round any day
0:05:30 > 0:05:32to get this thing off, and I keep calling him
0:05:32 > 0:05:33because I'm certain it's overdue,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36but he's not getting back to me and it's stressing me out.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I can't believe she's having a sexual fantasy about a policeman!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I mean, I'm meant to be going over there after lunch.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42What am I going to do? And then...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46As he left, I think he saw some bumpf about the arrest,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49an envelope from the Met, saw some piece of paper.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I don't think he realised what it was,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54but he was scurrying out quite quick.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57She's got paraphernalia, police paraphernalia!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I think it's her thing, Maeve, like a...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Fetish?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Not easy, son. Don't judge her, though, because...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Dad! Were you listening to that?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, a large portion, yes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You get yourself into some crap situations, Tom.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Can I have some bloody privacy, please?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Get your own flat, chum!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm going to. I'm looking into it. Just leave me alone!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- What are you going to do, Tom? - Shush!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- I mean, she's copper crazy. - Shut up! Stop it! Quiet!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30The Rydales are not so easily spooked.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Speaking as an ex-policeman, it's not uncommon, the whole copper fixation.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Mm, The Bill was popular for a reason.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37As was I, Les.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I don't want to talk about it with you. Please!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44We do not talk about it any more. Please!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Fetishes are actually quite common.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53No, you're right, carry on(!)
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I like, you know, Weetabix and cornflakes in the same bowl.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58That's not a bloody fetish, Ashley.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You don't know how I eat them.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02HE CLEARS THROAT
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- What are you thinking about?- Nothing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Nothing at all.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's very hot.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- I used to have one of them tags, you know.- Did you?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Naughty boy! How come?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Got myself a live wire, Ellen.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Doesn't matter.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Oh, come on! You have to say now.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"Sorry, Daddy." SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Seriously, you don't want to know.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Correction, I DO want to know.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Someone got killed and I was tangled up in it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Westside.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Anyway, you can get them off, you know. Me mate done it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46It's meant to be off.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I keep hassling them about it but they're not getting back...
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- I can show you how to do it, you know.- Really? That'd be amazing.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56What's running through your mind, then, Thomas the Tank Engine?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Nothing. Nada. De nada, sir.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Oh, that reminds me. I've got to talk to you all about blood.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Oh, God! Hope we're not still on fetishes, Les.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Is this a new dimension to your sexual landscape?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, shut up, Ashley! I don't have a sexual landscape.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Can we move on, please?
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Desert, more like.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Oh, that's absolutely rotten!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Desert's a landscape, Les? Some things thrive there.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Well, I don't.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Well, sure, but a sidewinder snake or a...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Dad!- ..devil scorpion.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Will any of you deign to give blood with me later?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Name-dropping, obviously, but Kath Hedge, yeah?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Kath Hedge has asked me to recruit as many people as possible.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Who's Kath Hedge? - Oh, no-one, Maeve(!)
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Only the wife of Tory councillor Barney Hedge, OBE.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Oh, God, not that man! He's a Himmler-in-waiting.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Oh, shut up, Ashley!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50He cares about business. That's not a crime.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Right, who will part with some plasma?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54It saps my energy, Mum. I can't.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Every time I give blood, it just zonks me out, OK?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, what do you need energy for? Waiting around?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01You require about as much energy as a towel.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Fine! I'll probably vote Green anyway!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Wash your mouth out with soap!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09So you stick it in the freezer for about two hours.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh, yeah. I think I vaguely remember my cousin, Sparks,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12saying something about that.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Cos freezing it contracts the plastic.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Yeah, so you just knock open the lock, right?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18God, I feel like I'm on the set of Coronation Street!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Hold on! Your cousin, Sparks, he hasn't got a Superman tattoo, has he?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, my God! How do you know Sparks?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Was in juvenile with him. - You're kidding!
0:09:25 > 0:09:26"You're kidding!"
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Get out of his arse, bum chum!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'm right here!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Warner, shall we just sit here all day talking about criminals
0:09:36 > 0:09:38we once knew or do you want to go upstairs and have sex?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39I'm torn.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I'll come upstairs.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Gutted, Ellen. Sayonara!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- What you doing in there? - Nothing. Just...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Just getting something from there.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Well, I hate to be Sally Specific, but what is that?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Honestly, Maeve, just leave it!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It's the randiest day of the year, I'm about to go to the fetish flat
0:10:48 > 0:10:52and I'm staring down the barrel of afternoon sex. Please, let me be!
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Hm.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07DOOR BUZZES
0:11:07 > 0:11:10He's early. Little geek!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Tell him to wait in my bedroom.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Yes, your bloody Majesty(!)
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Shit!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Getting hot out there today.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, I know.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- You should be a weather man. - SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- All right, lad?- Oh, hello.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Think I might take my top off later, if I can be bothered.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35That's my boyfriend.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39We've had sex four times in the last 12 hours.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Gosh, great. Yeah, good, yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Once every three hours, then.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Probably less regimented than that, obviously, but, um...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Can I get some water, please, cos I'm feeling...- Ellen asked me to tell you
0:11:49 > 0:11:52she'll be along shortly. You should just wait in her bedroom.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh, right. Crikey!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57She's just getting, you know, ready.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh, you know about...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Fair enough.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05- You OK?- Yeah, no, absolutely fine.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Just to be sure, I'm to get ready as well? Sort of...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Er, yes...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Yes, Sergeant, I think you mean.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14SHE FAKES A LAUGH
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- OK.- Just...- Yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Aargh! It's not working!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Hm. If you didn't have the foot, you could just slide it off.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31What are you suggesting?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34It's called blue-sky thinking. Shut up!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52You've got yourself into some bother, haven't you, darlin'?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Want a bit?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'm going to sleep with you is what I'm going to do.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Sleep with you right proper.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Yeah, I'm going to just shag you.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06This isn't very dignified.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- For you or the chicken?- Well, both.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Ow! That was my shin!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I'm so sorry, Ellen(!) Believe it or not, I've never done this before.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Hold on a minute!
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Oh, no, you don't!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Oh!- Can I help?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Are you doing this today, then, are you?- Yes! What?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Well, you know, you're dealing with Ellen?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39I beg your pardon?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, no, it's fine if you are. It's just I've not been told so,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45if you're taking care of her, then, um...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- well, I suppose I'm not needed, am I?- No, you're not needed, thank you!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I'm sorry, I don't know who you are or what sort of sick game
0:13:51 > 0:13:55you think we're playing here, but I'm the policeman around here nowadays.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I mean, did she ask you to come round?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Just left a couple of voice messages.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02No, she didn't, you bloody beak-faced goon!
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I'm sorry, sir.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05That's fine.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Superintendent. So has this case been upgraded, has it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Got a bit more serious?- All right, you can drop all that stuff now.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Drop what?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Oh, go away!- Sorry?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I just can't do it at all if I've got this on.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm going to have to dodge it again.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Coming in two mins, Tom! Sorry!
0:14:31 > 0:14:32OK, you can do this.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You're not pathetic, you've got nice features.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Mum and Dad believe in you. Why are you thinking about Mum and Dad
0:14:39 > 0:14:41before sex? What's wrong with you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Just pull yourself together!
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Coming!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Evenin', all.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Oh...what? What is happening?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Why?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No good?
0:15:11 > 0:15:16I was not expecting that at all. Police outfit?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Perve!- Perv-ect! What a dark horse.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Obviously, it's a bit out there, but he's clearly just a very confident
0:15:25 > 0:15:28sexual human being to just do that right from the off out of nowhere.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I'm in over my head and it's sending me crackers, Maeve.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34What, in Dad's uniform? That is disgusting!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36So did you have a trot around the docks, as 'twere?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Not a phrase I've massively heard before in my life but...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I couldn't, I just couldn't. Got a new policy.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44If I'm wearing an electronic tag, I don't have sex with people.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46That's my rule.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48And I don't want to scare him off.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I've called my offender officer again but he's not got back to me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52But I just said to Tom...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54"Wouldn't it be even more exciting to wait?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:55What did he say?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Well, obviously, I repeatedly said the word "No" loudly.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03He was quite hoarse from saying it. Gosh!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05The man's a sexual beast!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Ow! Think I've got a splinter.- Oh.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10We got a visit from what I can only assume was an ex.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11He was in full police regalia.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Really?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15It's hot today, isn't it? It's close, isn't it, Maeve?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's fecund. I feel all het up.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I feel like I need a punch bag or something.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Give it a right good old punch!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Deep breaths, Tom.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Ooh! Now there's the face of a man who's yet to get some
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- treacle on his porridge, as 'twere. - Oh, God!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And on the randiest day of the year, Tom.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Also known as the hottest day of the year, Dad.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Just trying to give you some stats about the day.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Cheer you up.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40This is the undefeated champion of the worst days in my life.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Is Mum sleeping or just staring at the...?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I honestly think she's just relaxing, Tom.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Mm. She wanted the windows cleaned. Called him in this morning.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I didn't know tennis was on.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Mm. Steffi Graf versus someone.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10What, is it a veteran match or...?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Mm-mm-mm-mm. It's recorded.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- It's recorded? - Yeah. 1988. Good old years.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Just felt like some tennis.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22GRUNTS AND CRIES FROM TENNIS MATCH
0:17:31 > 0:17:33It's everywhere!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36It's everywhere I look and it's sending me over the edge, Maeve!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I thought you'd be here sooner.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41This tag is really getting in the way of my life.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Well, hang on a minute. I did come earlier
0:17:42 > 0:17:44but there was a Superintendent here.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Must be an inter-borough thing. Classic Stepney. Bloody buffoons!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- There was a policeman here, wasn't there?- No. Not that I remember, no.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well, then, I don't know what's going on.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01To be honest, I've been feeling a bit fired up today.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02I don't know why.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05According to Facebook, it's the randiest day of the year.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Hermione!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, I mean that would explain a lot.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It has been pretty randy out there today.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15A lot of randy incidents.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Well, shall we get... shall we get you out of these, um...
0:18:23 > 0:18:27shall we take that, um... shall we take that off you now?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Yes!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33This is the oldest depiction of a couple having sex...
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Please, no!- Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37..hewn into rock about 11,000 years ago
0:18:37 > 0:18:39by the Natufians in Bethlehem.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43This, Tommy, is the beginning of love.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45And that is why people say this isn't sex,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47this isn't a couple having sex,
0:18:47 > 0:18:52this is lovers' embrace, face-to-face.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- What do you think, Tom? - It looks like sex to me, Dad.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Don't get cocky, Tommy.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58If you want sex, I'll give you sex. There's sex on this machine.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I know what sex is, Dad.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Not the time to show him porn, Dad.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I'm just saying it's the lovers' embrace.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It's more meaningful than sex.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Sex isn't everything.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Stop saying sex!- I'm a sexual being,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14you are a sexual being and I will say sex.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Sex!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I can't take it, Maeve. I need someone to put me under.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Knock me on the head, knock me out, bash me unconscious.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I need to kill all this pent-up carnal energy in me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Oh, I've been there, mate.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Last chance to give blood, you selfish orks?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Sweet oblivion, I'm in!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Ah!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43HE MOANS
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Feeling good.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Feeling dizzy, the energy draining.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Bye-bye, sex!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53BEEPING
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Eh! It's, um, a bit fiddly. It can be.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh! All right?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Yeah, there we are.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Oh, my God! It's off!- Yes.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Oh, my God! I'm free!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'm free! I'm free! I'm free at last!
0:20:11 > 0:20:12I'm going to get my phone.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Oh, yes.- Reminds me of 12 Years A Slave.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Not that I've seen it, but it's just adorable is my point.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Very proud of her.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23TOM SINGS TO HIMSELF
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Oh, Maeve, this has done just the job, I tell you.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I was going mad.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh, you're drinking after giving blood, are you?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yeah, I've killed the urge, Maeve.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Couple of pints,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37watched an episode of Question Time, read a pamphlet on STDs.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I've slain the ogre.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43HIS PHONE BEEPS Whoops-a-daisies! Oh, here she is.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Aw, sweet thing!
0:20:53 > 0:21:00Oh, Jehovah! No, no, no! That's sex! That's Ellen sex!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Oh, God! Oh, no!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Are you all right, Tom?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I've slain the ogre!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Just when I needed him the most, the ogre!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I've forsaken the ogre!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Oh, Tom!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Would they put the blood back in, do you think?
0:21:11 > 0:21:16I don't... I mean... What have I done?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Oh, here we go. I've made you a nice cup of tea.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Oh, thanks. Yeah, I may have overdone it a bit. I'm feeling blurry.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Well, um, I put two teabags in, so...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Mm, good, get me pepped up. God, big moment!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31The inaugural boff.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, I better text her back, actually.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, no, you shouldn't gulp it down, Tom...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Oh, deary, oh, leary!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What is it?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Oh, deary, oh, leary, I feel hot and teary!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Come on, lay it on me. Don't hold back.- This is Easy Sleep.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Is your what now?- Um, Easy Sleep. It's what I use to get off to sleep.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52It's not tea?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Um, well, it is tea, technically, but rather than tea leaves,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58it's more Nopradolam.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Right, and how long does that take effect for
0:22:00 > 0:22:02on a human with a full portion of blood, sans booze?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Well, I usually feel fine after about half an hour, to be honest.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Not so bad, then. - That's after I wake up, though.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- How long do you go to sleep for? - About 14 hours.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11That's a shame.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Right, I've texted him. Just got to dash out.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, Warner's coming over, though.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20We're shooting for double figures in a 24-hour period.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Sort of hoping you could hoof out, maybe.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'm not hoofing out, Hermione. I'm hoofing in!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'm a coiled spring!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'm a coiled spring that's been put under a very heavy book
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and that book is about to be lifted.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And when it is, by the grace of God, all the fire
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and lustre of heaven and hell will be set loose!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39HE BELCHES
0:22:44 > 0:22:45HE BELCHES
0:22:54 > 0:22:57HE GROANS
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# If you want a lover
0:23:00 > 0:23:05# I'll do anything you ask me to
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# And if you want another kind of love... #
0:23:10 > 0:23:13HERMIONE SOBS
0:23:13 > 0:23:15What the hell do YOU want?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Oh, calm down, Herms! I thought it was just a bit of fun.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19A bit of fun?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21That's a good thing. Fun's good!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I've got a lot going on, Hermione. I'm trying to get me life
0:23:24 > 0:23:26back on track and I just need a stable life.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30I'm stable! I'm fucking stable!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Who's calling me unstable? - Hey, no-one is, love.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Why can't I shag him? Dad shags whoever he wants!
0:23:37 > 0:23:43I can't believe he's dumping me on the randiest day of the year!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It...it is bad. Is Ellen in?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I don't know how you do things in Liverpool,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51but in my social bracket, we don't just pick people up
0:23:51 > 0:23:56and then pop them down again like a Neanderthal with a rock!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00He's ditching me, Ellen!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01SHE WAILS
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Maybe you should just wait in my room.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06The boy from the docks is ditching me!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Oh, no.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I've got to get off, mate. I've got yoga in a minute.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11SHE WAILS
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Just hold on a second.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15# You know you can
0:24:18 > 0:24:19- # I'm your man.- #
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Is there anything I can do?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27No, it's fine. Thanks, Ellen.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Great.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Just sit with me for a while.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Ah, OK. Well, Tom is just waiting upstairs but...
0:24:33 > 0:24:34He'll understand.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Oh, I don't know.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38He's very understanding. I've always said that.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I'm attractive, aren't I?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Yes, definitely.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What's attractive about me? Lots?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Yeah, shed loads, Hermione.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Like what?- Um, can I maybe tell you tomorrow, say,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01or I can just text you from upstairs?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I get it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08You can't think of anything cos I'm an ugly, mouldy chimp!
0:25:08 > 0:25:13No, no, no, no! Um... you have beautiful eyes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20Oh, and such nice hair. And you wear lovely clothes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- What?- You're not going to try and tongue me, are you, Ellen?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Don't think it's fair to take advantage of me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I'm anyone's when I'm like this.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Aw.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Yeah, that's it. You, um... You drink your way to...freedom.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Yeah.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Just...back in a sec.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48SHE WHISTLES
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Ohh, Steffi!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Brace yourself.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16You're nicked!