0:00:07 > 0:00:08Why is wood so heavy?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Well, rest it on your hip.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Well, I'm not a circus seal, Mum.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Oh, should I stick the standing lamp on me neb as well, while I'm at it?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17It'll be worth it when you see how I want it.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Your father has no idea.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21GLASS SMASHES
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Oh, crap it!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Oh? Oh, God, what?
0:00:24 > 0:00:25- I've crapped it!- Oh, dear.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Oh, what a crap!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Oh, yes. Oh, dear.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Aw! You've smashed Mammy.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, God, this is bad!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38OK, well, let's just keep calm.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm really going to get this, aren't I?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm really going to get it right up the arse!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Well, you don't really smash Mammy and get away with it.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Oh, everything was looking up, Maeve.- Oh, is the marriage off the rocks?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- We didn't hate each other any more, we'd upgraded.- Yeah, that's good.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Mild disdain - it's the elixir of a long marriage, Maeve.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55OK, don't panic. I mean, it's...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Mammy was in the Falklands. You realise that, don't you, Maeve?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Mammy sat in the Captain's Mess.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03She's been to war, she's fought for our bloody freedoms!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yeah. Just a clock, obviously, but, yeah.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Oh, you know what he's like, though.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It's the only thing he's got of his mother's.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Now, do we have a plan for this? It's sort of giving me the willies.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16We'll take it to Haggards, this arvo. Get it fixed.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- They do clocks. - SING-SONG GREETING - Hide it, quickly!- What?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Put it in the chopsticks drawer. - The what?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25We've got a chopsticks drawer. They are free, Maeve, all right?!
0:01:27 > 0:01:33# And through it all, she offers me protection
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# A lotta love and affection
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# Whether I'm right or wrong... #
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Please, don't... don't, Mum!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45# And down the waterfall, wherever it may take me... #
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Point being, I've got a girlfriend. It's official.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Stick it in the Times, telephone Obama, take an ad out in Loot.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56We're together. Also, I've invited her round for lunch, Ma,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59so sort that out, will you? Oh, I'm going to brainstorm a menu now.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00# And through... #
0:02:00 > 0:02:04# Through it all she offers me protection
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# A lot of love and affection
0:02:07 > 0:02:08# La la, la la la. #
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Yeah, it feels really good. Officially a couple.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's really weird. It's been quite hard-going, moving down,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18but I guess it's all kind of working out.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- And have you told him about your police conviction yet?- Um, no.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Thanks for immediately bringing that up.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I have practised saying it, but it always sounds bad.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Well, go on, then.- "Hi, Tom." - I know what you mean.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Well, I haven't started yet. - Quite nasally.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Can I carry on? "Hey, Tom..." - Uh-uh-uh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I've got a police conviction, because..."
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"You disgust me!" I'm playing Tom now.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- You don't have to play Tom. - "Why have you got a police conviction?"
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- "Because I accidentally..." - Not true. Hermione again.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"Because on purpose, I reversed into a van."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Leukaemia charity van. - Yes, OK, I was saving that bit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Because on purpose I reversed into a..."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"Why has it taken so long to tell me? I'm furious!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"And hurt."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"Because I didn't want to scare you off and I really like..."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"Ironic then, isn't it,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"that by not telling me, your very dishonesty itself has scared me off?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"The very thing you didn't want to happen is happening...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"ie - you are dumped!" PHONE RINGS
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- This is my mum.- Foster mum.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yeah, I might take this in my room.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Ellen, your breakfast.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh, by the way, Mum, what are you doing about your 50th?
0:03:27 > 0:03:32'Ah, well, it's not why I'm calling, but did Alice not call you?'
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- What? No.- 'Alice is organising me a surprise party.'
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What are you talking about?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41'Oh, love, she let it slip and I've promised I wouldn't speak about it.'
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Am I not invited?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46No, you are, it's just a new, special invite where you don't get told about it!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Ha-ha! Heya, getting bored through there, so...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- When are you doing it? - 'It's tonight.'- Tonight?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54'So, are you not coming, or...?'
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Tonight as well, that's bad. Gutted. - Where is it?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00'The Prince Charles, obviously.'
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Oh, no way! Are they still doing that chilli con carne lasagne?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- 'Yeah, with the cheesy garlic bread. - SHE LAUGHS
0:04:06 > 0:04:08'Oh love, this is all a shock, isn't it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11'I'll save the thing I was going to say, I'll tell you another time.'
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, don't worry, I'll make it, I'll book my tickets in a bit.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- What's the other thing? - 'Oh, no, it's nothing.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19'Now's not the time. You've had enough heartache.'
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Well, obviously you have to tell me now.- This should be good.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's too much. Too secret.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Mum, seriously, I mean...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Fine, you've got a grandfather.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- What?- Good God, that's a load off.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32I mean, what?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37They told me a few years ago and I just didn't know
0:04:37 > 0:04:39if it was right to tell you, and then I thought, well,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42because you've moved down to London, I could do it now.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Why, so you didn't have to tell me face-to-face?!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47No, because that's where he lives.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Give me the address!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Hmm, I mean it doesn't matter if she's not "the one", you know -
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'm just pleased he's showing any interest.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I mean, I think he's always been interested, um,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00but you know, in the same way someone might be
0:05:00 > 0:05:04interested in buying a submarine or trying to get a giraffe
0:05:04 > 0:05:07into a hot-air balloon, you know - it just wasn't going to happen.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Yeah, I mean he's not exactly...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14..the creme de la creme, is he?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Hmm. I think he was very hurt by the last one.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Grace Rust.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yeah, what was the story there?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23She lied to him and he was very paranoid after that, you know,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and he didn't go out with anyone else for two years.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27What was the lie?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Well...
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Mother, sister.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Hmm.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They were due to go on holiday, but at the last minute
0:05:44 > 0:05:48she cancelled, because she said she had a part in Harry Potter.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- She said she was going to be Luna Lovegood!- Luna Lovegood!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53THEY BOTH LAUGH
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Luna Love...! Hi, Tom.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Were you talking about Grace Rust? - No.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Yeah.- Abracadabra!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- They don't even say that in Harry Potter, Mum!- "Abracadabra!"
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Oh, forget it!- Petronius.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07I never saw it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Come on. Come on!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Do it!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27SUNG TO LONE RANGER THEME: # Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten
0:06:27 > 0:06:29# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten
0:06:29 > 0:06:30# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten #
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# Ten to TEN, ten to ten to ten
0:06:32 > 0:06:36# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37# T-t-t... #
0:06:50 > 0:06:52HORN BEEPS
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Does she like pate, Tom?- What?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Does she like pate?- Probably.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, great, well, I'll go out and get some pate as well, then.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Point taken, brilliant, Queen Victoria paying a visit.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Doesn't mean you have to go out and...- No, well you've said it now. - Criminal.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Don't worry, Mum, I'll go to the shop.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I want to get some olives anyway.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Does she like olives, Tom?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- Oh, probably, if her attitude to pate is anything to go on. - All right, Mum, calm down.- Criminal.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- What?- Nothing.- What did you say? - Sorry, I can't do this any more.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm living a lie and it's,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28it's tearing me limb from limb.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Oh, my God, he's a homosexual.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- What? No, I'm not!- No, no, I know.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Lesley, did you mean that?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No, I was kidding, having a laugh.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42What did you actually say, Dad?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I said, Tom, Ellen is a criminal!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50A felon, a crook, an ex-con-vict.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Poor old Dad.- No, he's been watching too much athletics.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00No, I have not been watching too much athletics.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01You're a barmy old fool.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Gets him all het-up. - No, it does not, Lesley!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Women's pole vault especially.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Olives-wise, I'm feeling pimentos.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I've got evidence. Hmm.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I don't think I can do this.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16You're bound to be nervous, love.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21He could turn out to be an awful, awfully abusive...don't know, cannibal?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Say? One of the bad kind of cannibals?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I should have phoned ahead.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm just going to go and then I'll phone ahead.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- I'm going to go. - No, well, we're here now.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I only really wanted a look anyway, I mean, it's fine,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37it's good to put a face to a grandparent, but...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Oh, hello there.- Hello.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I'm so sorry, I thought you were coming a tad later.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Did you? Um...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You are here to muck-out the pigeons?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Oh, sorry, no.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Yes, we are actually, that's us all right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Well, hold on, what? - Perfection. Follow me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'm not coming all this way without a peek at your twisted parentage.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Oh, God!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You don't seem to have much, um, cleaning paraphernalia with you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Ah, yes, good point. Maybe we should...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- She does it bare-handed.- Do I?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Au naturale. Oh.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29I've never seen that done, but, er, your choice.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Er, right, I'll just, er, I'll just empty this bucket
0:09:32 > 0:09:34and then I'll leave you two to it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42I can't tell him. We'll do this and I'll talk to him, but then we're going. I can't do this right now.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45That's fine, actually. It's already getting a bit yawn.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So how long have you had these then?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52These? Oh, a long time. I love 'em.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56There's something fabulous about pigeons.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57This one here...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01..Christopher, he's my favourite.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02So, are they homing pigeons?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, you can release them anywhere and they'll find their way home.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08How do they do that? Do they just sort of...
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Ah, ha-ha, the scientists aren't sure. I think it's love.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The males and females live in separate hutches,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20but when they're flying back, I let them all muddle in together.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23They all have their favourites.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25And my dear departed wife, Eleanor,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29used to say that's what love is, it's like coming home.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31My mum says it's abs and finances.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Ah, ha-ha, yes. Er, where do you live?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Katherine Docks.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, that's quite nearby. They fly over there every week.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I practise with them most nights, so, I'll, I'll do it tonight.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Look out of your window, half past six to seven and you might see 'em.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I will. I'll keep a look-out.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Right. I'll leave you to it, then.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57There's a lot of guano in there.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Hmm, what's that? Is that a foreign word for love?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- It's faeces.- Oh, sure.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- It's another Grace Rust. - Oh, don't panic, Tom.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Community service means anything from vandalism to GBH,
0:11:13 > 0:11:14not many murderers do it, Tom.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18There you go, Tom, she might attack, but you'll probably survive, on balance.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I didn't think she was a bloody murderer! She's lovely.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24She's literally very, very lovely.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I doubt she did very much at all. It was probably, tops - got drunk,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30cos she's fun - trashed a wheelie bin or something.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Trashed a wheelie bin? That's worse!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33That's worse than murder, is it?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yeah, well, at least with murder, someone might have deserved it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Lesley, you can't condone a revenge killing! This is your Midlands connection, isn't it?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, don't you bring my heritage into this, Ashley.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Leicester is ace.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, what would justify violence like that?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Well, I don't know, someone calling Tom a pointless wanker.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Oh!- Where's that come from?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Well, if one of her friends said, "Oh, that Tom, he's jobless,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"he lives at home, he loafs around, he's a stupid little pointless wanker..."
0:11:59 > 0:12:00- Mum!- Con artist.- Oh, here we go.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Confidence trickster, I'm afraid.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Oh, how do you mean, Maeve? I'm interested by this.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Well, sort of gulls, kind of simple-minded singletons.- Oh, yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Backward apes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Huh, profile fits. - Yeah, desperate for love. - Hmm, gulls are into sort of...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Into what? I've got nothing to offer! What's she going to get out of me?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hmm, wouldn't be worth her time.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19God, that's true, actually.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Theory scuttled. DOORBELL
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Oh, God, I don't... she will tell me in her own time.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28No-one say a single bloody word!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Jesus wept! Right, hide my jazz CDs.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- What are you doing?- I'm trying to smile.- It's not working.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46You can't pick something like that up after 30 years, Les.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Hi. Hope you like pate.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Oh, not really.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh. Come in.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59- The family.- Hello.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You know where it is, darling.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I think so, yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Why are we now using plastic cutlery, Mum?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Why do you think?- She's not going to steal the bloody cutlery!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15She's stolen most of the olives.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Eaten - she's eaten the olives, Maeve!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19She's like a hungry hippo.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Ahem.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Where's he going?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Is he going to go and check on her in the toilet?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Found the en-suite, Ellen?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Oh, sorry. I couldn't find a toilet, weirdly.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, it's downstairs, by the front door,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50where it's been for the last, oh, I think - 30 years.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh, God, what a dumbo!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- You couldn't find it? - Er, I must have just walked past it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Oh, possible, I suppose.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01You know, you're the first person - other than Lesley and I -
0:14:01 > 0:14:03to ever use the en-suite toilet, Ellen.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I didn't know that.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's my favourite room in the whole house.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Tom's never used it. Maeve's never used it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12It's my safe zone.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh. Sorry about that. As I say...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I think there's something you need to tell my son, love. Don't you?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- Yes, he does now know. - You told him?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It kind of came up naturally.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37His dad sort of threatened me with a baguette.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41So how did he take it? Are you finally over? Bless.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44He was shocked, to be honest. He seemed quite shocked.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I was right - there is no way of making it sound good.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49He said he understood and that we should just forget it,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53but he also said he'd been lied to in the past, so...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, he's clinging on, poor thing.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59I guess when a starving fellow finds a banana in a cowpat...
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I presume the banana's me.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03He just has to hold his nose and get peeling.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Thought so. Right, train booked for this evening.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I just have to see Ern before I go and tell him.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12I have to do that.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I can't believe I'm going home.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Someone's taken Mammy!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Oh, God, Dad, she's been gone for years.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Mammy, not Mummy!- Oh, I see. - Where's Lesley and Maeve?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I think they've gone to John Lewis. Why?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh, it's my clock, my Naval clock.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Mammy fought in the Falklands, Tom!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39OK, Dad, I know you're stressed out,
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- but cards on the table, I don't like you calling the clock Mammy. - Well, where is she?- Or "she", really.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Oh, my God.- What?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50- It's your woman.- Ellen?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51- Don't you think?- No!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Well, who else could it be? She was in the room last.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- I don't know, but...- Come on, Tom.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59How well do you actually know her, if you're really honest?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I mean, she's already lied to you about a police conviction.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04She is not exactly Mary Berry.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- What are you looking for?- Evidence.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- What's this?- It's a bit of fluff.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- How long has it been there? - I haven't been across it, really.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Does it match any of the fluff found on Ellen's person?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Oh, God!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35You're right, she did do it, Dad.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Hmm. I know you think you're clever, chum,
0:16:40 > 0:16:46but I used to be a copper and I know an open-and-shut case when I see it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Yes, she's five foot five. Mm-hm.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Yeah, she's quite a pretty girl.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Yeah, well, she may well be carrying a clock that's seen a few things.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- What are you doing? - I'm on the phone to the filth, Tom.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Sorry, officer, no, no, no, no, I used to be one of you.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Yeah, her name is Ellen Baxter.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Well, you should have her on your records. She smashed up some leukaemia thing. Mmm.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13OK. Oh, that's good. They're sending a pig round to her house, Tom.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Again, sorry, do excuse the vocab.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I'd better call her.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20What do you mean, you don't have the relevant pieces?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Well, this is a one-off.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I could probably try and cut some glass for you,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26but getting parts will be difficult.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Hmm, will it?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Hold on, we had a call about a clock like this.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32How do you mean?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Yes, I think this is a stolen clock.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'm sorry, madam, I'm going to have to call the police.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Oh, don't do that, you silly prig! - I beg your pardon?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- It's my husband's clock! - Can you call him and tell him?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Why are you even getting involved? It's so annoying.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Just saying, if you could call him. - No, I can't call him. He'll implode.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52If you're really his wife, can you at least describe what he looks like?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Walking Rich Tea biscuit. Why? - Hello, there.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56No.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04He is such a little prick!
0:18:04 > 0:18:05She's just gone mental at me.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- He's just accused me...- I merely suggested...- ..of stealing...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- ..that maybe by accident... - ..some stupid clock!- ..she stole it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14So I was like... how dare you accuse me of that!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So I just said, um, I was only asking a question.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You honestly think I'd be capable of doing something that awful?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Well, yeah, yeah. You lied about your police conviction, so you're a proven liar.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You're a liar and a crook, soz.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I mean, maybe that was a mistake, but I was freaked-out. I don't like being lied to.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He thinks I'm capable of doing that, then fine.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Look, I have to be allowed to freak out in a relationship, that's my thing, that's what I do.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39He honestly thinks I might be a thief!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I mean, he's meant to like me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43He just doesn't even trust me!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46He does all this stuff that makes it feel romantic, and we just
0:18:46 > 0:18:50have a laugh, and it's, it's stupid and nice, and he was the one thing,
0:18:50 > 0:18:54and now I've lied to him, and he thinks I'm a wandering bloody thief!
0:18:54 > 0:18:58He threw a dart in my arm! I'm done.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I'm packing my bags, I'm going home where people are normal and
0:19:01 > 0:19:04they look at each other on public transport and smile occasionally!
0:19:04 > 0:19:08And hopefully, I will never have to see him again!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Yeah, I may have misjudged this.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- What are you doing? - I'm going to get her.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24What, a lynching? No, Tom!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I'm going to get her and I'm going to tell her how I feel!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32PHONE RINGS
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Hello?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Ashley, I love you, but I've done a terrible, terrible thing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41What?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44His dad's phoned the police. They're on their way over now.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48It's a bloody horror show! It's a horror hurricane.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I never should have told him. I knew it.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You're not really leaving, are you?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53I think I might be, to be honest.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55No, you're not. Well, you can't.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58There's a 24-month notice period in the contract, so...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59We don't have a contract.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Don't play hardball with me, Ellen.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- My dad's lawyers will erase you, permanently.- Erase me?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07They can make it look like you murdered an immigrant, and then...
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Hermione, we'll still be friends, you know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Not fussed either way. I mean, you do what you like.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I mean, if you hate me so much, you could have just told me a long time ago.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Save me a lot of bother.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21What are you doing now?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I wanted to see Ern's pigeons flying over.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Oh, no! You will never guess what is coming down the street.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Not zombies?- No!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30No, obviously, kidding.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Offender officer.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I just...I have to see Ern before I go.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37SHE SIGHS
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Will you keep him busy while I sneak out the back?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Oh, you mean like...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43No, I don't mean like that! Just...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I mean, I'll hold his hand, but, plus extras, but there's a ceiling.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Just tell him I'm not in. You don't know where I am.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Just please, don't tell anyone where I'm going.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53OK, my sweet! Fly.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Be free. DOORBELL
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Well, where is she?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07She's...died.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- Died...?- Not died as in, you know, "Oh, look, she's dead."
0:21:15 > 0:21:16No, so, I mean, how DO you mean?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Died, as in...
0:21:18 > 0:21:23died in terms of, she's not here, so in terms of this area.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I'm afraid to say she's literally gone to a better place.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Hermione, is Ellen at home?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You animal! You demon!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Oh, ow! Ow, I'm sorry! What's in those?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Ellen's things. I guess she won't need art materials in the North.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54What are you talking about?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Don't you get it? She's gone, Tom! Because of you!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01She's gone home, she's never coming back!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You mean she's leaving me?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06No, she's leaving me! You were just also around.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- OK, where is she?- I'm not supposed to tell anyone, least of all traitors, so don't even try.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- If you tell me, I might be able to get her to stay. - Fine, she's at her grandad's.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Right, where's that?- Er, quite near here, not my kind of place.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Yes? More detail?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Er, help me out, there were cars... It was, like, not tree-lined,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26but on either side there was, like, a line of houses.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- That's just a street, Hermione. - Yes, house-lined.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- I need a sign, I need another car door.- You're not going to get another car door.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Something like a car door.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Ugh! Oh!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Well, that pretty much sums it up! - SHE LAUGHS
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, every cloud.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Oh, hold on, they're probably her grandad's pigeons, actually.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- What?- He has homing pigeons.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54What, you mean they're going to...? And Ellen's going to...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Oh, by the sweet grace of the good old Lord.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01What?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Tom?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05T...
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Oh, he's going to...
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Well, that won't work.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# Oh, whoa, whoa
0:23:21 > 0:23:22# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# Oh, whoa, whoa
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Sorry to drop by unannounced. Thank you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I was just in the area and thought, I wanted to check that
0:23:40 > 0:23:43the hutch was clean and that the pigeons were satisfied.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Not that they'd be satisfied, because they're pigeons, but...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You're my granddaughter, aren't you?
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Er, well...
0:23:54 > 0:23:55..yes, I think so.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I thought so today, but I, er...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02And then the real pigeon people turned up.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Ah, yes.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- I don't think you did a great job. - Ha-ha! No.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Are you all right, love?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'm great. I'm great.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16London's hard work, isn't it?
0:24:16 > 0:24:21But I'm going home tonight. To see my foster mum.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26She told me about you, actually.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I kind of assumed that this would never happen.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I've ordered a taxi from here, if that's OK.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Perfection. Would you like some Hula Hoops while you're waiting?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That'd be lovely.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Cup of tea?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41No, just the... And if...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Can you tell me anything about my mum?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Oh, she was a lovely girl.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55She had the same backpack for 14 years.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59She knew all the breeds of the dogs, she was obsessed with kiwis.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Really?- Oh, she was lovely.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
0:25:09 > 0:25:11# Oh, oh, oh... #
0:25:14 > 0:25:19A city can swallow you whole and make you feel pretty crappy,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22but it's a great place to meet people.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I met your grandma because she had a fit of hiccups in a lift
0:25:25 > 0:25:27and threw her tea all over me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29And poof...!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31That's 50 years gone.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Oh, oh, oh... #
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Have you not got a fella?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Um, I don't know any more.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06I'm not sure.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12It's...when we're together it's great, but it does get complicated.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Does it feel like coming home?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Um...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22DOORBELL
0:26:22 > 0:26:23That sounds like me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31OK, then.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# Oh, oh... #
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Argh!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... #
0:26:54 > 0:26:55As you were.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Oi!
0:27:02 > 0:27:08# Ah, ah... #
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Close call!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30HE GROANS
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I thought you were going home.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I am home.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- What are you like? - I don't...don't know.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57# I'll be yours and you'll be mine
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# And we'll be fine forever... #
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- You silly bugger! - That does really hurt.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06# I see you and you see me
0:28:06 > 0:28:13# And we can, we can be together
0:28:13 > 0:28:21# Together
0:28:21 > 0:28:26# I'll be yours and you'll be mine
0:28:26 > 0:28:34# And we'll be fine together. #
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# And we'll be fine together. #