0:00:02 > 0:00:04'This programme contains adult humour.'
0:00:04 > 0:00:05Ice cream or drugs?
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Drugs.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Ice cream or drugs?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14BOTH: Ice cream, please!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Should you be selling drugs when children are around?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22No, but who's going to stop me?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24The police?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26HE CACKLES
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Oh, no - it's the police!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33CHILD: Not the filth!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39We're Officers John Mahogany and Mitch Rust
0:00:39 > 0:00:41of the Justice City Police Department...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43All right?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44..and you're under arrest.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES
0:00:56 > 0:00:58ENGINE STALLS
0:01:01 > 0:01:04You book this guy, I'll sort the evidence.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13So, the evidence?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Sorted it.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43CLICK! BANG!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Hey, Stokes, did you catch the game last night?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- What game?- Huh! Tell me about it!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Hey, Garrity, what are you driving these days?- Police car.- Yeah.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You still up for video night tonight?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Sure, what are we watching?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05I'll give you a clue...
0:02:07 > 0:02:08..Speed.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Is it Speed?- Yeah.- Good clue.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You two!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Quit your yapping and get your asses in here!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21# Chief! #
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Chief.- Chief.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Mitch, you blew up the evidence again.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Pretty much. Looked cool, though.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yeah, I heard it looked cool - but goddamnit, boys!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32City Hall's looking for any excuse to take your badges right now.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I can't defend you if you keep blowing shit up!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36BOTH: Sorry, Chief.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Now, I need you to question this ice cream guy.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40We think he's part of some kind of drugs racket.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Has he given you a name yet? - Chubby Bellend.- What about his name?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46He calls himself Steve, but we can't find nothing on file.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Steve...
0:02:47 > 0:02:51However, we think he's working for notorious mob boss Harry McCrane.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54What makes you think that, Chief?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Harry recently took over an ice cream factory
0:02:56 > 0:02:58and he's the biggest gangster in Justice City.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Could be a connection.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It's all part of Mayor Grady's latest nutball scheme,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05something called "Cons in the Community".
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"Cons in the Community" will see Justice City's criminals
0:03:08 > 0:03:12integrated back into society, including Harry McCrane here.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Rather than lock Harry away like some battery hen or elderly parent,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19we're going to get some use out of him
0:03:19 > 0:03:23and put him in charge of the city's largest ice cream business.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Mr Mayor, what about Harry's nine life sentences?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Nine lives? He's a man, not a cat.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29HE CHUCKLES
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Thanks, everyone, you've been great.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33We need to find out Harry's next move,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35so I'm going to need you boys to focus...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What the hell are you looking at?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38A woman.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Goddamnit, boys!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I guess I should take a look at this myself.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Ah, that'd be Pippa.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51She's the new psych covering for Varley, since his accident.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I think I love her.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Bit desperate.- No, maybe it's just love at first sight.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57That's just something desperate people say, John.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I might go and chat with her, see if we've got anything in common.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Damn it, John! Women don't work like that.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Take it from a lover of another brother's mother -
0:04:05 > 0:04:08you got to play it cool.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Thanks for the advice, Chief, but I think I know what I'm doing, yeah?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Are you sleeping with your mate's mum?- Get out!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Hey... - WHOMP!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Oh, God!- Sorry!- Um, no, it's fine, you just, um, scared me,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30the way you...swung in.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Yeah, I did do that. - And you are quite close, actually.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Oh, sorry, I couldn't really judge the distance.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You must be Pippa! Hi, I'm John.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Ah, yes. John Mahogany, of course.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And, er, you must be...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Mitch. Mitch Rust.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Mitch.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Cool. Er...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I'm sitting in on your questioning shortly. Um, "Steve", I think?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Yes! That's our questioning! - OK, great...
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I mean, maybe it is, maybe it's not.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Whatever, yeah?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05So, is it not your questioning, then?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Oh, no, like, it's... It is our questioning, yes. I was trying to...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Has anyone showed you around yet? - No, actually, they haven't.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- (Oh, God.)- Well, maybe I could give you the tour, then.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Please don't do Tour Time. - Tour Time!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Helga, our forensics specialist.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22She's got the nose of a bloodhound, eyes of a hawk.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Rumour is that she once performed an autopsy on her own boyfriend...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Jesus, Helga! - He was not my boyfriend,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30but we were in an intense sexual relationship
0:05:30 > 0:05:32until shortly after his death.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Zach, computer expert and information specialist.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45There's nothing this guy doesn't know
0:05:45 > 0:05:47when it comes to the latest technology.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Hey, what're you doing there, Zach - playing Solitaire?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53No, I've just hacked your video library account.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56There's some interesting titles in here, actually.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- I'll read them out, if you like? - OK, on with the tour!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02All right, Zach. How's the missus?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Which one? - HE SIGHS: Tell me about it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08And who are those guys?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Oh, they're just...a couple of cops.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Finally, this is my dad, Frank.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24He was a hero cop, but lost his life in the line of duty.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Sometimes, I feel I can really hear his voice
0:06:27 > 0:06:29calling from the other side...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33But I'm not sure if it's really him or I've just got mental problems.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37'He's got mental problems, all right. That's the least of his worries.'
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Dad, I've got this. Shut up.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'Don't worry, love. He's never been great at talking to girls.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43'Fancied one of his teachers when he was ten,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- 'called her "Mum" and pissed himself.'- Dad!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Then there's me. Well, what can I say?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I'm just a regular guy,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52trying to get through life one day at a time.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Pip? Pip?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Pippa?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Pippa, I was just saying I'm a regular guy.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Pip?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- COCKNEY ACCENT:- So, the police...
0:07:09 > 0:07:13they think they can arrest my son, Steve, just like that.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Cheeky little bastards.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, I'm about to teach them
0:07:17 > 0:07:20that NOBODY messes with the McCrane family!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Yes, Sandra?
0:07:22 > 0:07:27Hiya, Harry! I've been thinking about this whole crime thing.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Maybe we could just sell ice cream again?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33We always did all right when we just sold ice cream.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Yeah, maybe we shouldn't bother with the drugs.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- It is a lot of hassle, Harry. - We talked about this.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41We sell ice cream AND drugs now.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But Harry, I make chocolate sprinkles.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I don't know anything about crack.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And what about poor Linda in the tasting department?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50She's been off her tits the last three days.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Look, we sell ice cream AND drugs and that is final!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Now, you might have noticed some new faces in the room today.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Let's all give a warm welcome
0:08:02 > 0:08:04to Nutcrusher, Death Machine
0:08:04 > 0:08:05and RIPete.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09ALL: Hiya.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12So, to conclude this team meeting,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16we are going to teach Justice City Police Department
0:08:16 > 0:08:19a lesson they'll never forget...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And the disabled toilet is still out of order.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25..and the disabled toilet is still out of order...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Sorry.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm not saying anything without my solicitor.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Where you're going, you won't need a solicitor.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Oh, yeah? Where's that, then?
0:08:40 > 0:08:41A court of law.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44For the record, if you do go to court,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46you will be entitled to a solicitor.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Let's start with the ice cream business.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I told you, I'm not telling you filth anything.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Well, let me tell you something -
0:08:53 > 0:08:54I'm not filthy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I take excellent care of my personal hygiene.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Never had any complaints there...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02HAND THUDS The drugs, Steve!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Where are you getting the drugs?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08You should know, my family has got only two rules.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13One, never use UHT cream,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15cos it's crap -
0:09:15 > 0:09:19and two, always take an eye for an eye.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Is that a threat?- No, it's a phrase.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Don't try and flex your muscles with us, Steve.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32You might have noticed already, I've got big muscles, too.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36What? Look, I'm not saying anything without a solicitor.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Well, when you do, I'll hear it. I'm a great listener, Steve.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Yeah, I'll just go and find out where he's got to.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Thanks, Pippa. Really appreciate it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50OK, I think I should just go for it and ask her out tonight.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It's video night tonight.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Come on, we can do video night another night.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56It's a Monday night. Monday night is video night.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59We're going to watching Speed, I've built a bus out of cardboard
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and it's your turn to be Bullock.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I told you, I'm not doing those re-enactment things any more!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09What do you think? Should I go for it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- If you want. Whatever.- Yeah, but it's video night tonight, Steve.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Have video night, then.- But I might not get another chance, Steve!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- OK, then, go for it. - Oh, for god's sake, Steve!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18What? I don't know!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Sorry, can we get back to talking about me, please?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Mates before dates, Steve!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Don't cancel, then! - You selfish bastard, Steve!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28How am I meant to know what you boys...? Argh!
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Help!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Get off me! Please, help!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Come on, break it up! - ALL SHOUTING
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Drag me out of there! Go on, mate!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Drag me out of there!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It probably was a bit unprofessional, in hindsight.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- How's your incident report coming along?- Nearly done.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Looks like Eddie can't reach his wheel again.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Oh, no. I guess he's going to need to find
0:10:56 > 0:10:58a way to get from that cage down to this one.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- I'd say so. Bye.- Bye.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Mitch! How do you like that?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I'm over here busting my balls on this McCrane case,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24whilst your partner's trying to crack on to the new girl.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26GENTLE LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:28So, I don't know what you're doing tonight.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Maybe you'd like to go for something to eat, or...?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Right, then. Let's have a look, shall we?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Sorry, Mitch. I was just...- Got your results back from the sex clinic.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39The what?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, dear-dear-dear. Oh, you've got the lot, mate.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47You've got clap, clip, clop,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50clippity, er... clippity-clop-clops...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Athlete's, er, knob. - Athlete's knob?- Yep.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54It's rotten, mate.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- It's ruined.- Sorry, Pippa, would you excuse us for a moment?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02What are you doing? Is this about video night?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05What? No, I'm trying to help. Get you out of that dating bollocks.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07What? But I want to go on a date with her!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09What, with athlete's knob? That's not fair on her, mate.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I don't have athlete's knob!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Hi. Sorry to interrupt, I've gotta go, but just to say,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18that would be really nice, I'd love to get something to eat later.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Amazing! That's great. Thanks, Pippa!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I'll see you a bit later, then.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I'll see you later. Thanks, Pippa! Really appreciate it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Hey, we can watch Speed another night, yeah?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Yeah, yeah...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Crisp?- Oh, no. I've got dinner with Pippa later, it'd ruin my appetite.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45CRISPS CRUNCH
0:12:48 > 0:12:49THUMPING
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Yeah! You're a stubborn little bastard, in't ya?!
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Hiya, love. RIPete asked me to let you know
0:12:58 > 0:13:01that there's some good news and some bad news.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Good news is, the plan to get Steve back is going great.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Excellent - and the bad news?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07We've run out of wafers.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Jesus Christ! Do I have to do everything myself around here?!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- SHE WHEEZES THEN GIGGLES - Oh, what's he like?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Looks like it's time to give the police
0:13:18 > 0:13:21some McCrane family justice -
0:13:21 > 0:13:24right after I order some more wafers.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51That's not your coat, Mitch.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- So, this is nice. - Yeah, I love a curry.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Me too. We'll regret it in the morning, though!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- SHE CHUCKLES:- Yeah. Maybe.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Sorry, I don't mean we'll be together in the morning.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- No, I know...- I just mean we'll independently have the shi...
0:14:15 > 0:14:20So, what happened to Varley, then, the regular psych?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Er, perfume accident, apparently.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Perfume accident? Bloody hell, how is he?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Incensed? - SHE GIGGLES
0:14:29 > 0:14:30- Oh... - LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Get it?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Do you like jokes, then? - Oh, I love jokes!
0:14:36 > 0:14:37OK.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I can't find the toilets around here.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50They're right there.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Won't be long.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06And I couldn't eat it, so I just gave it to Mitch and er...he ate it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07This is me.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- OK. Um... Well, er...thanks for a lovely evening.- Do you, um...?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Do you want to come up for coffee?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Sure, sure, I... I'd love to.- John!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Mitch, what are you doing? Are you drunk?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Yeah. It's a fair cop.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26OK, well, I'm just quite busy right now, so, um...
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Do you want to go and nick a bus? - No, I don't want to steal a bus.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- There might be a bomb on it. I don't know...- Mitch! Go home.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Oh! I s... I see what's going on here.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42HE LAUGHS: Yeah! SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Yes!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Right, well... I'll be off, then.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Nick it by myself.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You should, um, probably go and make sure that he's OK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Or we could have that sex that you mentioned?
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- I...didn't mention sex.- Coffee is... - He's going to go and steal a bus...
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- He does that every video night... - Just go and I'll see tomorrow.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15MUFFLED SCREAMS
0:16:21 > 0:16:25One of our own, taken - from right under your damn noses!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Pip?- As if I ain't got enough on my plate right now,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29what with that bus that got stolen last night!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- What are we going to do, Chief? - "We"? What do you mean "we"?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I've a good mind to take you off this case...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I'm sick and tired of covering for you all the time!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02The way things are going, you boys are lucky to still have your badges!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03KNOCK AT DOOR
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Sorry to interrupt, but there's an urgent phone call for you, Chief.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08We think it is Harry McCrane.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18(..two, one.)
0:17:19 > 0:17:20ALL: Hello?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25This is Justice City Police Department. Who the hell is this?!
0:17:25 > 0:17:26'Hello, Officer.'
0:17:26 > 0:17:29If you want your precious Pippa back in one piece,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32then I suggest you safely return Steve
0:17:32 > 0:17:34to the ice cream factory tonight.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39And if there's funny business, then Pippa will be sleeping with the...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41DIAL CLICKS Hello?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- I'm on the phone. Hello?! - Is that you, Harry?- Yes, Sandra!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- 'I'm on the line. - Oh, sorry, love. I was calling you'
0:17:48 > 0:17:53to go through the checklist for the school run tomorrow.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- All right. Go on, quickly.- Fab?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- 'Yep.- Mint Feast?- Yep.- Screwballs? - No, they need restocking.'
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Nobbly Bobbly?- Sorry, Sandra - can we sort this later?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'm in the middle of a ransom call here!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06'Ooh! Very posh.'
0:18:06 > 0:18:10You'd better do what he wants, cos he's a right moody bugger otherwise!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12SANDRA CHUCKLES Yeah, thank you, Sandra.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14All right, so long!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Bye, Sandra.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You know what to do.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22OK, let's get to work.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You two, prep the prisoner for exchange.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You boys made too many mistakes.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30You beat up a suspect, blew up the evidence,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34but I'm going to give you one...more...chance,
0:18:34 > 0:18:40because, deep down, I know that, if there's one thing you'll never do...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42it's dishonour the badge.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I have the forensics report from the bus that was stolen last night.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Ice cream? - Oh, you fancy an ice cream?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Ice cream is the greatest healer.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- No, TIME is the greatest healer. - Not in this case.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- She'll probably be dead in a few hours.- Right, that's it!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Give me one reason why I shouldn't kick you out of my car.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- I sleep in it.- What?!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- You've been sleeping in my car?! - Pretty much.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17How long for?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I try and get at least eight hours.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I think you'd better go.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- All right.- Just let me pull over somewhere safe so you can...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Mitch? - BRAKES SCREECH, HORNS BLARE
0:19:32 > 0:19:35# You think you have it all
0:19:35 > 0:19:39# Then it all just slips away
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# When life starts beating you down
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# You get drunk and go and steal a bus
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# His partner ditched him for a rubbish girl
0:19:50 > 0:19:54# And drove off in the place he called home
0:19:54 > 0:20:01# He just wanted a video night with the best movie in the world
0:20:01 > 0:20:02# (Speed.) #
0:20:02 > 0:20:05'Swans are one of the few animals that become mates for life.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09'No matter what happens, they never turn their back on their mate.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12'They always support their partner in their time of need.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15'Also, the male swan has a retractable penis.'
0:20:17 > 0:20:19# Maybe John was too tough
0:20:19 > 0:20:23# Maybe John should've put mates before dates
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Mitch really did like crisps
0:20:31 > 0:20:33# (Bacon). #
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Mitch?- Don't make me touch it! - It's me, John!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41John!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43All right?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- You got any change?- You're a mess, mate! What happened to you?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49The streets, John.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53The streets happened to me.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's only been half an hour.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Time is...meaningless on the streets, John.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- I'm sorry I ditched video night to go out with Pippa.- That's all right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- I'm sorry I called her a twat. - Did you?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08..no.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Look, the thing is... I've lost my gun, I've lost my badge,
0:21:12 > 0:21:13but, more importantly, I...
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- ..I lost my home. - Don't do that, don't touch that.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21What I'm trying to say is, if...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23if you want to get Pippa back, then let's do it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Just because we don't have our badges any more,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- it doesn't mean we're not cops. - That's exactly what it means.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Yeah.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Let's go save the bloody day, partner.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37All right, partner.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- What are you doing? - Let me in there!- Get off!- There!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- It's right there!- Get out! - What's wrong with you?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I think this is the place.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58We need a way in.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I've got it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Shit! Chief's here with Steve already.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's OK, I've got a plan.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Go on.- But you're going to have to go in there and buy me some time.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- OK, run it past me. - Nah, it's brilliant.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Trust me.- I really think it's best we chat these plans through first.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46John, I know I've let you down before, but not now.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Not this time. Just trust me, partner.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53I trust you, partner.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Wait!- What?- I got a different plan. - What's wrong with the first one?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- It wouldn't have worked.- What?! - You might've been killed, actually.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- We were about to go and do it! - It's fine.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08This one's much better.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Trust me.- Mitch?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Mitch...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13MITCH!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Welcome home, son.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You ain't never going to get away with this, McCrane!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Pippa, would you like to join your friends?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Grab 'em!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Mmm! Thank you for...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- COCKNEY ACCENT:- ..reuniting me with my darling husband.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, no - it looks like it's a double cross!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44But how did she do it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, it was all pretty simple, really.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Varley?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Agh! BODY THUDS
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- How do you think he feels?- Incensed!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01THEY LAUGH
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Well, I must say, young lady, this resume is mighty impressive.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09What can I say? I'm a psychologist with a capital S!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Sounds good to me. Welcome aboard!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Cheers, Sandra. - It's quite fun, actually,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21this crime stuff, isn't it?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23SHE LAUGHS
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Once I convinced you I was one of your own,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I knew you'd give up Steve to get me back.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31WAIT!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36John! Please tell me you've got a gun.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38No, Chief, I'm not armed...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40except with the weapon of love.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, shit!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Pip, I'm here to rescue you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Um...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- John, she just said that she's a... - Don't try and stop me, Chief.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57There's something I want to say.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I will never let anything stand in the way of our love...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Oh, Jesus! - John, she just told us that...
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Because you and me, Pippa....
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- TUNELESS:- # We are meant to be together
0:25:20 > 0:25:24# Like two peas in a pod
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Or some doves flying high in the sky
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# Tweet-tweet, you're my girl... #
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- I'm a crook, mate.- What?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I literally just told everyone before you came in.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38So...
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Yeah! Yeah, I knew that! That was... That was, um...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- I think someone's dropped something on the floor here...- Dignity?!- No.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Your self-esteem? - Not helping, Chief.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Well, that was the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Right, let's kill 'em.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Try not to make a mess or I'll have environmental health all over me.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Three...two... CHIMES PLAY
0:26:03 > 0:26:05What's that bleeding racket?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08ENGINE REVS
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Do you want a flake with that, bitch?!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Nice work, Mitch.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20How did you know Pippa was a baddie?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23She's what?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Ice cream or drugs?- What?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Only joking! We don't do that any more. Ha-ha!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I'll get you an ice cream. There you go.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Sorry it didn't work out with your girlfriend, mate.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Oh, that's all right - she'll come crawling back.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Well, she'll have to, she's paralysed from the waist down.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, boys, we learned a lot today.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I learned something new about love.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I learned something new about swans.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48And I got brain freeze!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- Yeah!- Oh... Oh, me too!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Oh?! - LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Ooh... Oh, ah, agh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I've got it as well now!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02You don't know what we're talking about, do you?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I don't know what we're doing.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER CONTINUES