0:00:14 > 0:00:20How did you manage that?I am and sang all the calls myself.Wombat be
0:00:20 > 0:00:25time-consuming?Theresa May speaking. Or they have gone. Not
0:00:25 > 0:00:34really. Hello, you're speaking to Theresa May. Gone again.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Sorry, sorry, sorry. Everything is an hour ahead. We should make that
0:01:15 > 0:01:22one of our key Brexit demands. Bridger clocks right! David Davis
0:01:22 > 0:01:26sends his apologies, he got on the wrong Eurostar and end up in
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Disneyland Paris so he thought he would try the ratatouille ride while
0:01:29 > 0:01:38we still have freedom of movement. The meeting started 11:17am.Fire
0:01:38 > 0:01:48away, Toth negotiating head-on. Do you have our notes?Can we settle
0:01:48 > 0:01:54this so-called divorce bill?I would love to but we an because if we give
0:01:54 > 0:01:59you any money the British press will crucify us.Meeting concluded
0:01:59 > 0:02:0611:19am.Can we not settle on something else?Something we can
0:02:06 > 0:02:11give the Daily Mail?We have had some thoughts. Will you let us
0:02:11 > 0:02:18change the name of pride among shady something in English?We should have
0:02:18 > 0:02:25a translation by 2020.I don't see why not.Can we keep the Christmas
0:02:25 > 0:02:35market with the big German sausage? Yes but that's not...Keep the term
0:02:35 > 0:02:43menagerie trois because a threesome sounds CD. -- CD. What British
0:02:43 > 0:02:49things that you want to keep? Not a little thing about Blighty would
0:02:49 > 0:02:55hate to see go?There is something we would like you to take back. All
0:02:55 > 0:03:03the stag parties. Those posh twat from the ski resorts and Christians
0:03:03 > 0:03:14got Thomas.She is bloody annoying. Progress.You are people we can do
0:03:14 > 0:03:22business with.But not after Brexit, obviously.This week we have asked
0:03:22 > 0:03:28you to bake a cake on something you dream about. What have we got here?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32This represents a city being destroyed by a North Korean nuclear
0:03:32 > 0:03:36warhead. The concentric circles and I said so you how likely you are to
0:03:36 > 0:03:48die. Lemon is 40%, Strawberry 50%... Cat.We seem to have a tiny problem.
0:03:48 > 0:03:54I knew I should not have used sultanas. I cannot stop thinking
0:03:54 > 0:04:00about it, it is in my mind all the time.I think everyone is a little
0:04:00 > 0:04:04bit scared of dying in a fire but that is why people watch this
0:04:04 > 0:04:08programme, to take their minds off it. We create an imaginary place
0:04:08 > 0:04:21where everything lets try this again shall we? What do we have here?This
0:04:21 > 0:04:27cake shows and Magic tree.What are these circles?It is where the
0:04:27 > 0:04:36fairies dance.I love these shapes. Pretty windmills.It's a delightful
0:04:36 > 0:04:44cake and makes me feel very safe. Tell me about your cake?My Victoria
0:04:44 > 0:04:51sponge shows my hometown after the ice caps melt.Or for fucks sake.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56President Trump has been involved in a war of words with a Republican
0:04:56 > 0:04:59senator, this is basically the same story as yesterday, what if I see
0:04:59 > 0:05:03him again and you imagine a childless road and skip the details?
0:05:03 > 0:05:10Anyway I cannot see a clock so it's probably for rush and I was supposed
0:05:10 > 0:05:18to be done at midnight. Any sign of Alistair?And the winning team is
0:05:18 > 0:05:34box quiz.Oh Jeremy Corbyn. Oh coconut water. Good evening John.
0:05:34 > 0:05:42What are you doing here?I always supported the local pub quiz. I won.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Technically I came second but compared to how I was expected to
0:05:44 > 0:05:54do.I had to look on SnapChat to find it where you are.Calm down
0:05:54 > 0:06:02comrade, the workers, we can discuss it here.Why?You legend, can I get
0:06:02 > 0:06:15a selfie?Do you want one with me, John McDonnell?Better, John?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Hardly, I don't want people hassling me for a selfie 's all day.I was
0:06:19 > 0:06:23asking if you wanted a pint of bitter. The chance to hear Jeremy
0:06:23 > 0:06:30Corbyn delivering a speech on a failed system which has exploited
0:06:30 > 0:06:34the working population of this country and which we will bring to
0:06:34 > 0:06:40its knees... # Oh Jeremy Corbyn!Right, in terms
0:06:40 > 0:06:46of the other speakers I thought we would we like the big guns, Len
0:06:46 > 0:06:53McClusky, Paul Mason and me.I guess.Do you have any better ideas?
0:06:53 > 0:06:58What about Daniel Radcliffe, he is fascinating.Is he not Harry Potter?
0:06:58 > 0:07:08We did not discuss his hobbies. Did I not mention I have booked Stormzy?
0:07:08 > 0:07:19I have not agreed for that.Who would you go for?You have changed.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24I have not, why are you up in my grill, I am authentic which is what
0:07:24 > 0:07:30people love about me. I am a small still voice calling out for a fairer
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Britain, a Briton in which everyone is included and now one is ignored.
0:07:34 > 0:07:46# Oh Jeremy Corbyn!Except me.Come on John, it's not about you, the
0:07:46 > 0:07:54workers...Sod the workers! Don't tell me to tone it down.Let's go
0:07:54 > 0:08:01for a curry.I would like that. The workers.The workers. But we will
0:08:01 > 0:08:03have to make it another night because I'm having supper with a
0:08:03 > 0:08:21Willy Annan -- with Lily Allen. Hello, are you black?Poor?From the
0:08:21 > 0:08:29North?Preferably all three. We want to hear from you. We have previously
0:08:29 > 0:08:33educated the most already educated students.But we don't want to do
0:08:33 > 0:08:39that any more.Well we do but apparently it looks bad.If you
0:08:39 > 0:08:47think eating is a character from Hollyoaks.Picked up an application
0:08:47 > 0:08:54form from your local branch of little.What is that? This helpfully
0:08:54 > 0:09:00ethnic young lady got been with just three a's and the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05If you are normally apply today and tell all your friends.Steady on, we
0:09:05 > 0:09:09only need one or two max.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Great to have all the major studio heads here so we can agree on this
0:09:17 > 0:09:24new Hollywood code of conduct.A hotel suite?What? I have all my
0:09:24 > 0:09:28meetings in a hotel suite. Oh, right. Well we are all
0:09:28 > 0:09:35professionals. What are you doing? Sorry, force of habit.The way I see
0:09:35 > 0:09:40it this isn't going away. If Harvey can get taken down who is next?It's
0:09:40 > 0:09:51me. I should... Yeah.What we need are some rules that all us guys can
0:09:51 > 0:09:57sign up to, no physical coercion, no inappropriate touching.What about
0:09:57 > 0:10:05asking actresses to watch DUP?That would be unacceptable.I should...
0:10:05 > 0:10:10We need a big star who confront the whole campaign, someone who
0:10:10 > 0:10:14represents women's rights, I am thinking Tom Hanks. George Clooney?
0:10:14 > 0:10:20Can I interrupt you, if we are pitching it as an anti-sexual
0:10:20 > 0:10:25harassment then maybe we should make the star woman.Clever, then we may
0:10:25 > 0:10:30have to pay them have as much, who'd you think, Julianne Moore? She is
0:10:30 > 0:10:35too old. What about a younger Julianne Moore, if she is too old
0:10:35 > 0:10:40and nobody will want to sexually harass her.We need somebody who has
0:10:40 > 0:10:44been to the system, Kelly Stevens. She was a sexy nuclear scientist in
0:10:44 > 0:10:54Superman four. Getting near! Sits down right there.Wait, what are we
0:10:54 > 0:11:00thinking? We should be on the bed. Have a seat.Is this better?I think
0:11:00 > 0:11:08it's worse. You look familiar, did we date in the 80s?I should not
0:11:08 > 0:11:16call it a date.I should go...What do you say, can you help us put this
0:11:16 > 0:11:22business behind us and get back to normal?I have been in Hollywood for
0:11:22 > 0:11:26over 30 years and I have been propositioned, pressurised and
0:11:26 > 0:11:30groped by more middle-aged men in positions of power at the new have
0:11:30 > 0:11:38had Surrey eat was and now you are asking the to help those exact same
0:11:38 > 0:11:44men save their own disgusting sweaty skin and pretend it was all water
0:11:44 > 0:11:51under the bridge? Normal? Are you out of your mind? Equally I am a
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Hollywood actress in her mid-50s and it's the best offer I've had in over
0:11:54 > 0:12:01two decades so kind me in.Great, I probably shouldn't touch you, in
0:12:01 > 0:12:05fact being alone with you any hotel room is not the best idea with my
0:12:05 > 0:12:12reputation!International news, after the world health organisation
0:12:12 > 0:12:16named Robert Gaby a goodwill ambassador... The Robert Mugabe? A
0:12:16 > 0:12:23goodwill ambassador? They will have to revoke that. Oh, they have, good,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27because I have read out stuff about him before and short version am not
0:12:27 > 0:12:36a great guy.Very good. The white faced cool look for Halloween.I am
0:12:36 > 0:12:40not dressed up yet. You would look like this if you had just come from
0:12:40 > 0:12:44a Brexit meeting. Half of the Cabinet want no deal and a hard
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Brexit and the other half want and no deal because they think it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Brexit but for some reason I have to keep saying we are hoping for a
0:12:51 > 0:12:55deal.It will be fine you are the best Prime Minister we have
0:12:55 > 0:13:02currently got.Thank you I think.I have put £50 on complete economic
0:13:02 > 0:13:07meltdown by 2019 so we are quids in either way.Will we be those
0:13:07 > 0:13:11frightening things at the Halloween party, you know, people? It's
0:13:11 > 0:13:16probably for the best because I can practice my Brussels smile.Yes,
0:13:16 > 0:13:24very spooky. Go and get your costume on. Is it a free bar tonight?Who
0:13:24 > 0:13:26knows? Philip Hammond would agree to pay for anything until the last
0:13:26 > 0:13:36possible moment.Red riding hood?I am from the handmaid 's tale. A
0:13:36 > 0:13:40woman who serves a purpose for a group of heartless men but could be
0:13:40 > 0:13:45cast out and executed at any moment. It's a girl box set rather than a
0:13:45 > 0:13:51boy box set.I will drink your blood!You will give me nightmares
0:13:51 > 0:13:56like that time at the Tory conference and I'm losing my voice
0:13:56 > 0:14:02and the letters fall of the wall. No, that happens. Let's go bobbing
0:14:02 > 0:14:11for apples before the Bloodgate 30% tariff on them.I like wearing this,
0:14:11 > 0:14:19I cannot see people not wanting to talk to me. It's Donald Trump!No,
0:14:19 > 0:14:25it's just a fat pumpkin. He is visiting next year, he will be a
0:14:25 > 0:14:31problem for Boris Johnson or David Davis, somebody...Court of Appeal
0:14:31 > 0:14:39in session, case number 314, the Mayor of London and Transport for
0:14:39 > 0:14:45London versus Uber. Miss Parker I believe you are ripped into Uber?
0:14:45 > 0:14:53That's correct.Present your first witness.My first witness is Hassan
0:14:53 > 0:14:56in a silver previous who will be in a year in four minutes. Seven
0:14:56 > 0:15:04minutes. Eight. He's given up. It will now be Alexey in a black
0:15:04 > 0:15:12Renault in three minutes. He's gone to surge pricing, cancel. Locating.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17Locating.Ms Parker?One minute away, at the end of the road. What
0:15:17 > 0:15:24are you doing? Why are you spinning? He's gone. The case rests.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34Well, can we hear from the major? He's in a black cab and it won't go
0:15:34 > 0:15:39south of the river!Any joy?
0:15:45 > 0:15:51It's me, Brigitte... How are you, petit President.I am so frustrated
0:15:51 > 0:15:56with France. You can't get anything done here. I had a meeting the
0:15:56 > 0:16:00unions, three hours was lunch. The other hour they were on strike. They
0:16:00 > 0:16:06are so... They are so, they are so...French!All I want to do is
0:16:06 > 0:16:10crush the unions and take away workers' rights. Why do people have
0:16:10 > 0:16:16a problem with that?You must be careful, you'll make yourself
0:16:16 > 0:16:22unpopular.Mrs Thatcher did it and everybody loved her.You don't
0:16:22 > 0:16:28really remember the '80s, do you. Changement is slow in France.
0:16:28 > 0:16:35Remember how long it took snow white to shave her arm pits.I want it to
0:16:35 > 0:16:44be Daft Punk. Not Serge... You are not old.I did not mean me! I mean
0:16:44 > 0:16:51this...1994 school year book. It is when we met. You look exactly the
0:16:51 > 0:16:57same. There I am. What a dweebe. Most likely to become President
0:16:57 > 0:17:04before 40. And married the drama teacher.
0:17:09 > 0:17:19MUSIC
0:17:26 > 0:17:34FRENCH MUSIC
0:17:35 > 0:17:47You knew. I knew. I didn't care! All I could think about was how I could
0:17:47 > 0:17:53mare marry you and be the father to your trois Enfants.Can you see the
0:17:53 > 0:17:57past would be wonderful. If France was a truly modern country, there
0:17:57 > 0:18:02would be rules to say you could not marry your teacher. I would be in
0:18:02 > 0:18:09prison.Perhaps the old French ways are not so bad. You can stink of
0:18:09 > 0:18:20gallois and still people think you are sophisticated.Let us go to a
0:18:20 > 0:18:25three star restaurant.You are the most beautiful woman alive.Oh, my
0:18:25 > 0:18:29hip! Oh La-la!
0:18:31 > 0:18:40The time is coming up to some godforsaken time of the morning. Ing
0:18:40 > 0:18:47cat ta lone ya is going to leave Spain. It is like when blokes have
0:18:47 > 0:18:51affairs, they say they will leave their wives, but they never do!
0:18:52 > 0:18:58Don't do it Nicola. It is only 21 seats. We will win them back.I'm
0:18:58 > 0:19:03not going in. It is them over there. Northern Ireland. The DUP...Why
0:19:03 > 0:19:10would they be doing that?They have stolen our thunder. And our funding.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Before the last general election we were proud to be the most overfunded
0:19:14 > 0:19:19place of the UK.The only place in the UK with free hospital parking.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Now they have got their Tory billions. They will go up to the
0:19:23 > 0:19:27royal Victoria in Belfast, there all doing, doing a big shop. Have to
0:19:27 > 0:19:32find a way to put Scotland back on top of the pile.How can we do that
0:19:32 > 0:19:37when we've lost a third of our seats Shut up! I don't need reminding of
0:19:37 > 0:19:43that!Perhaps you're right.Maybe the time has come for a consolidated
0:19:43 > 0:19:51power base.A coalition with the Scottish Tories!We'll have to find
0:19:51 > 0:19:57another canny plan to get us back on the gravy train. Two Highland whips,
0:19:57 > 0:20:02please. We need something Scottish that the English like they want more
0:20:02 > 0:20:11of. Then we'll be Top of the Pops again. Hogmanay. Everybody likes
0:20:11 > 0:20:25Hogmanay. Scotland owns New Year's Eve. TheIf only Hogmanay could be
0:20:25 > 0:20:31every day.We'll call it "Operation groundhog." The fellas and tell them
0:20:31 > 0:20:41to fix it so when the New Year comes it never stops chiming.Hang on.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47What about that Jools Holland. The people will be trapped in the studio
0:20:47 > 0:20:53listening to music forever.No way. They record that show in August!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55# She's going to break the news...
0:20:58 > 0:21:05I need a present...It's for the new grand sprog.What about a hat?They
0:21:05 > 0:21:17are not crowny enough.Or some booties?They're good. I'll take two
0:21:17 > 0:21:23dozen for the dogs.What about a teething ring?What is a teething
0:21:23 > 0:21:27ring.When babies are born they don't have teeth.They don't have
0:21:27 > 0:21:32teeth!Or you could get a play gym which is a good way to get exercise
0:21:32 > 0:21:36when they don't walk.They don't walk and don't have teeth, what is
0:21:36 > 0:21:44the point of them. What's this? That's not really suitable for
0:21:44 > 0:21:50newborns. It is a boat that has little aeroplanes.An aircraft
0:21:50 > 0:22:00carrier. Oh... The light out.The baby?No, the baby. Rev it up and
0:22:00 > 0:22:07have it sent to Highgrove.You have to pay.Oh you are funny!
0:22:11 > 0:22:18Can't see... Breaking news... Something about China. Something
0:22:18 > 0:22:22about the President... Wish they'd enlarge the font, or something! Hang
0:22:22 > 0:22:32on! He's strengthened his grip on power
0:22:32 > 0:22:35in a surprisingly authoritarian move. Is that surprising in China?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I'm not surprised. Are you? Oh!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Sorry! Well, the results
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Let's see what the public make of him then!
0:22:47 > 0:22:54I told you not to do that! People were asked if they viewed
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Vince Cable very favourably, somewhat favourably, somewhat
0:22:58 > 0:23:04unfavourably or the one even has ticked. Comments included don't they
0:23:04 > 0:23:11have anyone new. All he did was help the Tory. Didn't he die in season
0:23:11 > 0:23:17six of Game of Thrones.It's so hard to win from the centre these days.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Emmanuel Macron become President of France.Well there is him. Yeah.We
0:23:22 > 0:23:28may need a way to turn that into that.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33That into that?Yes. That there into that there.
0:23:33 > 0:23:42I mean, what's he got that he hasn't?The wife. The wife thing.Of
0:23:42 > 0:23:49course. Bridgitte Macron, sensational at 64.The public love
0:23:49 > 0:23:56the age gap. They think it means love.We need Vince Cable to get
0:23:56 > 0:24:04together with a lady 24 years older. She'd be 98. Tina, visit some old
0:24:04 > 0:24:11people's homes. Only the cool ones. Tell them he's on the market.I like
0:24:11 > 0:24:17it - install some Cable today.Maybe the first one.Slip some Cable into
0:24:17 > 0:24:22your box.Look on guardian solemates, see who is out there.
0:24:22 > 0:24:33This is good - Katie, 98 loves music and movies. Pro-remain. A gap year
0:24:33 > 0:24:37in Sri Lanka.When it says 98, that was the year she was
0:24:41 > 0:24:47Alexis, turn the music down! Trueing the new teenage edition for when
0:24:47 > 0:24:52your kids have moved from home and you're missing the darlings.Come on
0:24:52 > 0:25:00buy milk.You do it.Buy more.Can I have £50!Open curtains.I'll do it
0:25:00 > 0:25:06later.Turn off lights.Are you like going through the menopause or
0:25:06 > 0:25:13something! ?The new Alexis teenage edition. The perfect gadget for
0:25:13 > 0:25:24every empty-nester.Alexis... Alexis... Alexis...What?I've told
0:25:24 > 0:25:34you to leave your door open when Siri is around.Do you love me too?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Reminds you why you were happy to see them go in the first place.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50What's the weather.Stop shouting. I'm not shouting. You're shouting.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54No, I'm not. I hate you!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Need to talk about a delicate matter to do with your image.They are not
0:26:01 > 0:26:07discontinuing this lipstick.No! It is the nation's favourite. It is
0:26:07 > 0:26:11something to do with you personally. Something you started doing when you
0:26:11 > 0:26:19were courting. There... You just did it then.What?Don't be like that!
0:26:19 > 0:26:25No, I'm being you.You roll the eyes when people test your patience. You
0:26:25 > 0:26:30did it to Putin and the Trumps. I do not roll my eyes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:40I am afraid you do! Oh, my God! I'm rolling the eyes.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45And I always thought I had such a serene and beautiful poker face at
0:26:45 > 0:26:51the summits. I'm afraid not! Jo now they will know what I'm thinking.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57Don't worry. We will train you. I will take you through every day
0:26:57 > 0:27:03situations. All you must do is not roll the eyes. The phone rings. You
0:27:03 > 0:27:11pick it up. You hear a teenage boy, you realise it is Theresa May... Try
0:27:11 > 0:27:23harder! You're Chancellor! All right... Try Trump... My father's
0:27:23 > 0:27:28record on women's rights is very good. As an entrepreneur and creator
0:27:28 > 0:27:37he is a force for gender equality. Well done! That's OK!
0:27:37 > 0:27:45Enough with the nursery slopes! Do Donald.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50You have disturbed me folks. So good, it was a home run. Beautiful
0:27:50 > 0:27:56words. They were beautiful words. But the fake media... Germany owes
0:27:56 > 0:28:06us money. Yes, they do! They owe us big!
0:28:06 > 0:28:12Oh, my Chancellor-erret - are you OK My powerful eye muscles flipped my
0:28:12 > 0:28:15entire body.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19PHONE RINGS
0:28:21 > 0:28:27Hello. It's Boris Johnson. It's OK. That one you're allowed.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33Hello!