0:00:03 > 0:00:05Hello, Philip. Won't be a moment, dear.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Just deleting some porn.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08What?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's a joke. One of my joke thingies.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Remember I made one once before?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Oh...Oh, yes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16So, how was your cross-party sleaze meeting?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Me, Jeremy Corbyn and Vince Cable in a room together.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20What do you think?
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Didn't go well, then?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23No, on the contrary, we made serious progress.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26If we can just get the whole of Westminster to be as utterly
0:00:26 > 0:00:29devoid of sexual tension as that room, job done!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34This news just in... The markets don't like uncertainty.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oil pipeline in the pipeline. Let me be clear.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Off the record. How do I put this?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40And the answer is, we're out!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# She wants to be like She wants to see like
0:00:42 > 0:00:45# She wants to walk a mile in their shoes
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# Every day a new sensation How to break it to the nation?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49# Tracey's gonna break the news
0:00:49 > 0:00:52# She wants to save it She wants to claim it
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# She really hopes that nobody sues
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# Every day a new sensation Take it to the waiting nation
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# She's gonna faking well break the news...#
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Come!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Right, three minutes to studio, Mrs O.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Anything I can do for you? A tea, a coffee?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Go over the new rules again?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I think I've got them now, darling.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12So, half the singers sing on the Saturday
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and half on the Sunday, and then there's a sing-off
0:01:14 > 0:01:16between the worst two singers.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17The best.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Ah! No, that's right.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21The best singers go head to head to see who gets kicked off.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22No. To see who wins.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Yes. To see who wins the show.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25No, who wins the prize.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Oh, that's right.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Yes, there's a prize now, so no-one loses.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Uh, no. More people do lose.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I thought more people won?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Well, yes, but more people win less, so we lose more losers
0:01:36 > 0:01:38while seeing more winners.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Oh! Agh...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42For the love of God, who came up with these rules?!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Simon did.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46After he fell down the stairs and hit his head.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Well, can someone just explain them to me in words I can understand?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51SLURRED:Sharon, it's easy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You go round and round and round...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58HE RAMBLES.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02..judges' houses, and all the people going...
0:02:02 > 0:02:07HE RAMBLES.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10..and a live final, Sharon.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, it's simple when you put it like that.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Can you get that written onto a card for me?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Thanks, sweetheart.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Oh, Birgit, what a day.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I am so tired of all this Fisten-Cuffen and German politics.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Why can we not just form a coalition?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Ah, you will do it, mein Chancellor-ette.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40After all, who just tops the Forbes list of the 100 Most Powerful Women?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Me. Angela Merkel.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You don't look very happy about it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Aren't you hipping the hoorays?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I won last year!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I've been there, done that, bought the Lederhosen.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52But so many great women are below you.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Beyonce is only number 50.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58That was before they announced the cast of The Lion King remake.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00By now, she'd be a solid 35.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But aren't you even eine kleine bit happy?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Nein! Because the Forbes 100 is easy.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Where is my name on the list of 100 Hottest Women?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Can't they see that I am sexy as well as powerful?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Like Wonder Woman!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Do you think that this outfit is beige enough, Birgit?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24Do you think we should beige it up some more?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Ah, look here, mein Chancellor-ette.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28A Lad Bible poll of celebrity crushes, you are number 28.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, let me see.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Unlikely crushes!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34SHE SIGHS. This is an outrage!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Listen, you are a powerful woman mit important things to do.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Forget this fluff.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41There are fresh concerns about the Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You should write a strong and lengthy statement.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Wait! Could that be the answer?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Has the Kremlin been interfering with the FHM Sexiest Women poll?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Ja. Ja!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56They are trying to undermine the West by lying
0:03:56 > 0:03:58about your total hotness.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, what a relief. I feel so much better.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Let me see this most powerful list again.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, look, Theresa May is number 2.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Send her a memo.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Just write, "Better luck next year, bitch!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You see, I'm throwing the shade on her, like Wonder Woman.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Have you actually seen that film?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Nein, I don't have Netflixen.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, hello. There goes another one.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Following unauthorised contact with Israeli officials,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28International Development Secretary Priti Patel resigned in a meeting
0:04:28 > 0:04:31with the PM on Wednesday.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Well, we think it was Wednesday that she met the PM.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37She probably met her on Monday and Tuesday as well but didn't
0:04:37 > 0:04:38bother telling anyone.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41MILITARY DRUMMING.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45ORDERS SHOUTED.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Defence Secretary.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Where? Oh, right, that's me, isn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Sorry. New to the job.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Major General Edwards. Where?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Oh, right, is that you? Sorry.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I just wasn't expecting a...
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Yes. Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Gavin Williamson.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00And this is the Army, then?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It is. Right.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05So, where do you keep the boats?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06No, that's the Navy. That's the Navy.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Right. Yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Boats equals Navy.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Sorry, I am still slightly playing catch-up with the details.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I wasn't really expecting to suddenly become Defence Secretary.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18This time last week, I was in the Chief Whip's office,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20you know, with my pet spider.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Your...? Sorry.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Kronos, this is Major General Edwards.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Major General Edwards, this is Kronos.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Yeah, so last week, I was just Weird Spider Guy,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and now I'm in charge of the full might of Her Majesty's Armed Forces.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It's insane, eh? Utterly.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Anyway, the upshot is, I've suddenly had to swot up
0:05:38 > 0:05:39on the Army and Navy.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41And Air Force. There's an air force as well?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Right. OK.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Well, I'm learning already.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'll have the hang of this in no time.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Right, should I go and address the troops?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48If you'd like.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from a man of such
0:05:51 > 0:05:52uncommon experience.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54They're this way. Right you are.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55That's a Cub Scout salute.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Right. What is the proper salute?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57It's Army, Navy, Air Force.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Ah.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02I'm glad I asked.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It's been my absolute pleasure. Now, are there any other questions?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yes, can Kronos be your new regimental mascot?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10No. OK.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Can I have a gun?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No. Fair enough.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Right, then, ready? Absolutely.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Don't worry.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16They may look like trained killers...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17But?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19There's no but.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh, right. Well, here we go.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, and there's a medal to give out this morning,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26so make your way to the front and ask to see Private Parts.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I want to see Private Parts.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Right, got it. Ha!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Hello, Sexy Bum. It's Camilla.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Can you see me?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39TYRES SCREECH.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Well, hold it a bit lower. I can only see your bald spot.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Ah, that's better!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45What do you mean, bad news?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Don't worry, I sorted it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I took all your investment paperwork down to the hunt kennels.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Hounds have shredded the bally lot.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52What other thing?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Not another bloody Diana tape?!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Last year, they found an unseen clip where she sneezed and they built
0:06:57 > 0:06:59a 90-minute documentary around it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00What did?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, the Royal Variety Performance?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05No bally way! We went last year.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It's someone else's turn.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Does Edward still exist?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11What about Kate and William?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I bet they've said she's still puking.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I mean, I've opened fetes with chronic thrush
0:07:16 > 0:07:17AND a three-bottle hangover.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You just have to get on with it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21SIREN WAILS.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, hang on.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25About bloody time!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27We've had reports that you're driving erratically.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Well, of course I'm driving erratically.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I'm FaceTiming hubby, I've got a sleeping dog
0:07:31 > 0:07:34in the footwell and I'm trying to get through this traffic in time
0:07:34 > 0:07:36to watch Homes Under The Hammer.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Police escort?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42I should think so, too!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45New from MP Games, the game for women in Parliament of all ages.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49It's...Guess Who's Next!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Test your deductive skills as you try to work out
0:07:51 > 0:07:53which of your colleagues will be disgraced next.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Is it a white middle-class man?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yes.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's fun for all the family, except for unaccompanied women.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Does he have a wife?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Yeah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Does he care?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06No.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Is it...?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11No, but I can see why you'd think that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Is it...?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Yes. Yes, it is.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Yeah. That's pretty much what I'd heard.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Guess Who's Next?, the game you can keep playing
0:08:20 > 0:08:23until the culture changes.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Hi, Karen?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You must be James.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Welcome to HMRC.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32You don't have to be mad to work here...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33But it helps?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Why would it help?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36No, sorry. Good point.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Right, first things first.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You'll need to get rid of that.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Sorry.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43No, your phone.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44What? It's Apple, isn't it?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Since we investigate corporate giants who play the system to avoid
0:08:47 > 0:08:50paying any meaningful tax in the UK, we can't really be seen
0:08:50 > 0:08:51to use their products, can we?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53So...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Don't worry.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56If you need to make any calls, you can use mine.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00But the 9's missing, so try not to start any fires.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Right.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Where did you get the coffee from?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Starbucks.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07We don't see many of their bucks coming our way, do we?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Bin!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Headphones? Amazon.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12SHE SIGHS.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Now, what about this suit?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Looks like Gap to me. Well, yeah, but I got it off eBay.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20eBay?! Bin!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I hope you're not a fan of Bono or anything.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30James, where did you get the underpants?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33M&S.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Oh, thank God for that. You can keep them on.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Whew.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Formula 1 world champion Lewis Hamilton has been
0:09:41 > 0:09:44accused of avoiding tax on his £16 million private jet,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47despite his lawyer deeming the transaction to be lawful.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Honestly!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You set up a company in the Isle of Man to lease your plane
0:09:52 > 0:09:54to a firm in Farnborough, who rent the same plane back
0:09:54 > 0:09:56to you via your other company in Guernsey,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and people try to make out there's something dodgy going on?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00The time is...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Ooh, I can have the other half of that Twix.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Here we go.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08See, you look relaxed and natural there.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Philip, that's a Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13The real me would never be standing next to Boris AND smiling.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Could be worse.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16They could have put you next to Trump.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Ha-ha!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Philip, that's not funny.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I have to Skype him now and discuss the arrangements.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Has anyone actually told Trump that his royal
0:10:23 > 0:10:25visit's no longer royal?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Well, I'll add it to my list of things I need to speak
0:10:28 > 0:10:29firmly to him about.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Now, which button?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31This. This one?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Mm-hm.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35SKYPE DIALS.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Oh, he's not there. Never mind.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I'll try next month.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Hello?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40SHE GROANS.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43BRIGHTLY: How are you, Mr President?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I'm in another country.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45It's called Asia.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It's really exotic and different.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49What have you been doing?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Playing golf and eating hamburgers.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Can I have those on my royal visit to England-land?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Actually, your trip's been adjusted to a working visit.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03But I still get to ride in a gold carriage, right?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And I want to meet Duchess Kate, but not if she's
0:11:05 > 0:11:07still carrying baby fat.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I have high standards, the highest.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Donald, there's some things I really need to speak to you about.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17First, I have a question, and it's a very normal question.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Are you wearing a wire?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21No, I'm not wearing a wire.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Good.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Although I've got nothing to worry about.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Papadopoulos was very low level, I hardly knew Manafort,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31didn't even realise he was my campaign manager
0:11:31 > 0:11:33or long-term friend.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34I see.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38All these people are low level. Take Ivanka.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41She's a low-level volunteer daughter from an old wife who I fired
0:11:41 > 0:11:43before the campaign, a campaign I did not
0:11:43 > 0:11:46know much about.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I left that all to the Russians.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Look, I have some things to say to you, and I intend to say them.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57When you come here, I insist you don't grab anyone
0:11:57 > 0:11:59by the you-know-what, link moped crime to Islamic
0:11:59 > 0:12:02terrorism or threaten nuclear wars that may or may not incinerate
0:12:02 > 0:12:06the Northern Hemisphere.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09There, I've said it, and we can tell the press that
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I stood up to you and that I'm strong, which I am.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I hope I didn't go too far. Did I go to far?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Please, can we still have a trade deal?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20What was that? I wasn't listening.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I was doing a tweet about how we should kill all of America's
0:12:23 > 0:12:27judges, even the ones from America's Got Talent.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Well, it's always good to talk to you.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Theresa, it's always good to be on Fox News.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I'm not Fox News.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I'm the British Prime Minister, remember?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So that's why you're not hot?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43OK, what button kills the call? Is it this one?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46SHE SIGHS.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Someone get me...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53# She's going to faking well break the news...#
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Alexis, what's the weather like today?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58OLD WOMAN:Back in my day, we didn't have all this technology,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00and we seemed to get along just fine.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Introducing the all-new Alexis Senior Edition.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Alexis, what's playing at the local cinema?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, you don't want to go out.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10That Mrs Brown's on tonight.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Do you know she's actually a man in a dress?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16If you're missing having that elderly parent around,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18then the Alexis Senior is perfect for you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Alexis, call Trevor.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Is that your new fancy man?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25If I'd had more than one fella in my life, I'd have
0:13:25 > 0:13:27been called a slapper, but I suppose times change.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Alexis, call Trevor!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, that reminds me,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33you'll never guess who else has got cancer?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35The new Alexis Senior Edition.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Ooh, I don't know, everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Now 50% more reactionary.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Alexis, dim lights.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And shall I also put the temperature up?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I expect it's usually hotter than this where he comes from.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Really?!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I'm sorry about her.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56She won't be around much longer.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Typical!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02And she promised she'd never put me in a home!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Excuse me.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I'm Dr Michael Townsend, British Heritage.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'm Lady Yaxley, chair of the Public Statues Review Commission.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Very, very nice to meet you.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13What exactly is going on here?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Well, quite simply, we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16What?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19No doubt you've heard about all the hoo-ha in America
0:14:19 > 0:14:25with the Confederate statues, and the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Well, the Government is super-keen to avoid offending anyone right now,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31so they've asked me to have a gander at all the statues in Britain
0:14:31 > 0:14:34and work out which one is going to cause the next big stink.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35But Nelson's Column?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Because of the admiral's links to the slave trade.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40That's just political posturing, surely?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Nevertheless, we think it's best to err on the safe
0:14:42 > 0:14:43side and blow it up.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44You can't do that.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47He was a great naval tactician, died a hero's death.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I mean, he was also a strong supporter of the slave trade,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52but then this statue doesn't celebrate his support
0:14:52 > 0:14:53of the slave trade,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55though it could be seen as condoning it, so...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It's a very complicated question. Exactly.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03And what very complicated questions need are very simple answers.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I think we dodged a bullet there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13On we go!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16This is Simone Fredericks,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and I've been awake so long I can't drive myself home.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Prince Harry's girlfriend, Meghan Markle, is set to move
0:15:21 > 0:15:23to London, prompting speculation that the couple are
0:15:23 > 0:15:25to become engaged.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Click here for Meghan's diet and beauty tips.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Uh, somebody has just copied and pasted Buzzfeed
0:15:29 > 0:15:31onto the autocue there.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Can we stop doing that?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Nicola, why are we meeting here? It's proper bracing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Almost too bracing.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Ah, there's no such thing as too bracing, Wee Mhairi.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I've brought you here because I'm going to take
0:15:44 > 0:15:46you on a little sea voyage.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I want to show you something important.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51THEME FROM COAST PLAYS.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Do you know who the bane of my life is, Wee Mhairi?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Jimmy Krankie?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Because people keep saying you look like her.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00No, you daft dobber. Theresa May.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Not only did she put the kibosh on indyref2,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07but thanks to her hopeless Brexit shenanigans, Scotland's
0:16:07 > 0:16:10being pulled out of Europe whether we like it or not.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12And we do not.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, but don't worry,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm going to cut a few back-door deals with our European neighbours
0:16:17 > 0:16:22so Scotland is protected when the Brex-shit hits the fan.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Our European neighbours?
0:16:24 > 0:16:29I've a crack team beavering away in a top-secret offshore location.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Is it the Orkneys?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yeah, yeah, it's the Orkneys. Oh.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's just such a beautiful holiday destination.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39People say that. What can you actually do there?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43There's loads to do there. Like what?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, walking.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Hiking. Strolling.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Wandering. Roaming.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Aye, the roaming's dead good.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57This way, Wee Mhairi.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00DOOR CREAKS.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Behold the Scottish Partisan Operations Room
0:17:07 > 0:17:10for European Negotiations - SPORREN.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It looks just like a call centre.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It is a call centre.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Then why does it have to be so far away?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Well, we've got to stay under Theresa May's radar,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21because what we're doing here might not be
0:17:21 > 0:17:22strictly constitutional.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Hello, this is Morag calling from the ancient
0:17:24 > 0:17:25country of Scotland.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I understand you've been involved in a Brexit that wasn't your fault.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I wonder if I could interest you in a political alliance at all?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Hello, is that the Dutch Cabinet Office?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'm calling from the SNP on behalf of Nicola Sturgeon,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39the First Minister of Scotland.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40It's part of the UK.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43The bit above England.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45No, no, no, we want to stay with you!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Nicola, I think I've got you a lead.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Brilliant.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It's the Cultural Minister of Slovenia.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53He said he'd consider a meeting if you can get him tickets
0:17:53 > 0:17:54to the next Biffy Clyro tour.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56At least I think that's what he said.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59He's quite hard to understand. Right, give me the phone there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Hello, it's Nicola Sturgeon from the SNP.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02We're a pro-European constitutional organisation and...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Hello?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I AM speaking English. Aye.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Hello? Hello?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10He's hung up.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Why on earth couldn't he understand me?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Do you think it could be anything to do with you saying Scotland
0:18:15 > 0:18:18wants to be an independent country with a proud nationalist agenda,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21whilst simultaneously denying the primacy of national borders
0:18:21 > 0:18:23by claiming you want to be an enthusiastic part
0:18:23 > 0:18:25of the European Union?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Shut it, Wee Mhairi, and go for a long roam.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Have you recently been outed as a sex pest?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Would you like to pretend your disgusting behaviour
0:18:34 > 0:18:37is the result of an illness, rather than you're just
0:18:37 > 0:18:39being a total shit?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Then why not check into the Some Sort of Therapy Centre?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46The Some Sort of Therapy Centre is Europe's leading facility
0:18:46 > 0:18:48for everyone from shamed Hollywood producers to shamed
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Hollywood actor-producers.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Our team of, presumably, therapists is here to help you tell the world,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"It's OK, I'm dealing with this myself.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"No need for the police."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03It's the perfect place to relax, unwind and avoid facing
0:19:03 > 0:19:05the consequences of your actions.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Our range of treatments includes
0:19:07 > 0:19:09counselling, or something like that,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12meditation, probably,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and generally keeping a low profile till the heat's off.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But don't take my word for it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Here's just one of our self-satisfied customers.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Before I came here, everyone was calling me a sex criminal,
0:19:23 > 0:19:28which seemed wrong to me somehow.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30But the Some Sort of Therapy Centre made me realise that I'm
0:19:30 > 0:19:34actually a sex addict, which means I bear no
0:19:34 > 0:19:36responsibility for all the horrible things I've done.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So come to the Some Sort of Therapy Centre and take
0:19:39 > 0:19:43the first step to a new you, who's exactly the same as the old
0:19:43 > 0:19:46you but hopefully not facing prison.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# Oh, cavolo nero #.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Hello, John.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Jeremy, what's going on here?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, my brassicas are flourishing, but that's autumn for you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59We're meant to be prepping you for Prime Minister's Questions.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I only found out you were in your allotment because you checked
0:20:02 > 0:20:03yourself in on Facebook.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Let's just take it down a notch, shall we?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07The workers. The workers.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10If I didn't get out here now and again, I feel
0:20:10 > 0:20:13like I spend my entire life telling adoring crowds that I intend
0:20:13 > 0:20:18to build a fairer Britain, a Britain where the nation's
0:20:18 > 0:20:21resources are not hoarded by the elite but shared
0:20:21 > 0:20:26equally in a spirit of democracy and justice.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30# Oh, Jeremy Corbyn #.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31And I wouldn't want that.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Let's just get on with it, shall we?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got all the "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s here.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Shall we just go through them?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Yeah, if you like. OK.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40There's one here about Boris Johnson's gaffe
0:20:40 > 0:20:42regarding that woman in Iran.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43That sounds good.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Except the e-mail is from Peter from Peterborough.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I don't know, maybe it sounds a bit silly.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I mean, Peter's OK, and Peterborough's OK,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51but, "I've had an e-mail from Peter from Peterborough..."
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Yeah, it's a bit Peter heavy.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55There's one here from Sheila from Doncaster.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56That sounds perfect.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Except her question is,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"What is the Prime Minister's favourite mollusc?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Well, let's just take Peter's question and say it's from Sheila.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Violate the sanctity of "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Well, I wonder if I haven't outgrown the whole "I've had an e-mail
0:21:10 > 0:21:12from so-and-so"s thing, John.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Let me remind you, Jeremy, that the so-and-sos
0:21:14 > 0:21:16are the ordinary, decent working people of this country.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Or have you outgrown them?!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19The workers. The workers.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No, it's not that.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24It's just that people aren't really interested in folksy e-mails
0:21:24 > 0:21:26from Sheila in Doncaster.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30They want to hear from Jeremy in Islington!
0:21:30 > 0:21:35My unlikely fame is currently our best bet for building
0:21:35 > 0:21:38a fairer Britain, a Britain in which a person's prospects
0:21:38 > 0:21:43are determined not by where they come from or who their parents
0:21:43 > 0:21:47are, but by their own talents and hard work...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh, put a sock in it, Corbyn!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Hey, get off me!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Agh!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55GRUNTING.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Well, I don't condone that, do you?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00No, there's absolutely no place for that kind of behaviour.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HE GROANS.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04So, what are you going to ask at PMQs tomorrow?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Perhaps I'll just wing it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Whatever I say these days seems to be right.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11OK, that's it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14If you care so little about the working population of this
0:22:14 > 0:22:17country that you'd rather blurt out random thoughts instead of airing
0:22:17 > 0:22:20their justifiable grievances, then on your head be it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Do you want any Swiss chard?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24No, thank you!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32All right, we've got to have an editorial meeting.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33We've got a bit of a problem.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37The boss said that we can't put Brexit on the front page every day.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39We have done for the last year.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I know, and people are getting a teensy bit bored.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42We need to get other headlines.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Now, the World Cup is coming up.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46And what are we looking at here?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Is it the warehouse staff from DFS Basingstoke?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49No, it's the England football team.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51ALL:Is it?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yeah.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Rooney has retired from the England squad, so the last tabloid-selling
0:22:56 > 0:22:58player has officially left the pitch, and we're
0:22:58 > 0:22:59left with this lot.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I mean, who even are they?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I think that one's Dier.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05They're all bloody DIRE!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07People used to care about England.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10The nation laughed when Lineker shat his pants.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12They cried when Beckham got sent off.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15They smiled when Gazza made jokes about his crippling alcoholism.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Them's were the days, eh?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Yeah, and now this lot has qualified for the World Cup
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and no-one's even noticed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26It's like the only people that care about football any more are people
0:23:26 > 0:23:27who actually like football.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Ludicrous.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31We've got to save the England team.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33We've got to get them back on the front pages.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Yeah, but how do we do that now phone hacking's off the agenda?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38We'll have to go old school.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Make stuff up. Puns sell papers.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Exactly.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43This, apparently, is Joe Hart.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44He's happily married...
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Or is he?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Yeah, he is, yeah.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I know, but you track down a snap of him looking
0:23:51 > 0:23:53a bit saucy at someone, bit of tabloid magic and, bingo,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55he's Joe Hart-breaker.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Everybody loves a Casanova.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59This is Harry Kane.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Harry KANES it!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'll go and stick 50 empty cider bottles in his bin.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Suddenly he's a troubled genius.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You see? I'm interested already.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Danny Drinkwater.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11ALL:Danny Snort-cocaine!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13And we're back in the game.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17The Paradise Papers have revealed that about £10 million
0:24:17 > 0:24:19of the Queen's own money was invested in an
0:24:19 > 0:24:21offshore tax haven.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24What are you doing, ma'am? Surely it's all your own money?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26HER MAJESTY's Revenue & Customs.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29You're only hurting yourself.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Seriously? Eros?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Otherwise known as the Angel of Christian Charity?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Or to look at it another way, it depicts a semi-naked figure
0:24:38 > 0:24:39rampaging around Piccadilly Circus shooting people
0:24:39 > 0:24:42with a bow and arrow.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48EXPLOSION.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Right. SHE CHUCKLES.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51What's next?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Paddington Bear's statue. Paddington Bear?!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Illegal immigrant.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Hello, and welcome to The Review Show here on BBC Four -
0:25:02 > 0:25:06too smart for BBC One, too smug for BBC Two.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Tonight, I'm joined by not one woman but two, partly
0:25:10 > 0:25:13because there was a booking error but also because we're discussing
0:25:13 > 0:25:15a new season of female-led TV drama.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Let's take a look, shall we?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22New to the BBC - a season of those dramas about powerful women.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Judge Jane Jones is a no-nonsense law-maker at the top of her game.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Objection, Your Honour.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Overruled and, believe me, I know when to overrule.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I am damn good at my job.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Mummy, you said you'd be home today. You said you'd take us to the park.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I would love to, but I'm too busy judging.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45So, Jane, I hear your ex-husband took the children away.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm not surprised, as you have a successful career, so...
0:25:48 > 0:25:52..you can't have a family as well.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I know I can save him, damn it!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I'm the best surgeon in the country, maybe even the world.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Hello, David?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I really need to have self-destructive sex with someone
0:26:07 > 0:26:09in a way that will bring about my downfall.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And since she's powerful, she's bound to snap.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15The young man you had sex with has told everybody at the hospital.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20If you will have sex with people, especially at your age...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Jane Strong is a no-nonsense architect at the top of her game.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I don't want to hear your excuses. Just get it done!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Hi, I'm your new colleague, Claire Foundations.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I'm also no-nonsense and at the top of my game.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I hear you've both gone for the same promotion.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41One or both of you is bound to snap.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52So, Carol, if I can come to you first, isn't it great
0:26:52 > 0:26:55to finally see so many female characters at the top of their game?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Well, it would be if they didn't portray all powerful women
0:26:57 > 0:27:06as inevitably psychotic.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08These shows suggest any woman with a half-decent job
0:27:08 > 0:27:09is destined to self-destruct.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10It's ridiculous. OK.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Kelly, I imagine you'd like to disagree because that is why
0:27:13 > 0:27:14we have two of you.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15No, no, I agree with Carol. What?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Women with successful careers are written like it's some
0:27:18 > 0:27:19kind of character flaw.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I find that quite offensive.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23But you're both no-nonsense television reviewers
0:27:23 > 0:27:25at the top of your game.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Are you not going to violently disagree and then commit some sort
0:27:28 > 0:27:30of impulsive act that ultimately leads to your downfall?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I think you've been watching a bit too much telly, Martin.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37What if I told you we only had space for one of you on next week's show?
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Wouldn't matter.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40In real life, professional women...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Well, that's that bitch out of the way.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Would you like to have an affair?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I thought you'd never ask.