0:00:02 > 0:00:04# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# And basically I'm still doing the same show
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:20# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Tracey Ullman's Show. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Let's go.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Merry Christmas. You're watching BBC One.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I'm Clare Balding and I'm your continuity announcer for today.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42When they were doing the rota for holiday working
0:00:42 > 0:00:45at the BBC this year, lots of people wanted to be away
0:00:45 > 0:00:48over the Crimbo holidays, although I can't imagine why,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50so I said, "I'll lend a hand on Christmas Eve,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54"Christmas Day, Boxing Day, all the way through to New Year,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56"whatever you need, because I just want to help."
0:00:56 > 0:01:00So here I am with Producer Sue, who's given up her holibobs as well.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02But she doesn't mind.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04And we're having fun, aren't we, Producer Sue?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Now, this button plays the bits between shows.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Swimming hippos, skating children, and so on and so on.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14This one repeats Mrs Brown's Boys,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and so does this one, and this one.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20This kills off someone on EastEnders.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21And what does this button do?
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Oi!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I don't know what you mean.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Oh, it's you, isn't it? - If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Then yes, it is. How very nice to meet you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Sorry about that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55There must be something wrong with the security camera.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Yes, well, they can be temperamental.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I loved you in James Bond.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oh! We just try to tell a good story.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- And thank you.- What was I thinking?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.- Exactly.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15But of course I don't.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, what's that over there?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Ah, my mistake. - Well, it's an honour meeting you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yes. Lovely to meet you, too.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You have such a lovely shop here.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40SHE CACKLES
0:02:52 > 0:02:54PHONE RINGS
0:02:56 > 0:02:58SHE GROANS
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Duchess of Cornwall. What the hell is it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09What? Oh, no, no.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I can't have George.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I've got a very busy day.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Yah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17In ten minutes I'm going to be elbow-deep in my best filly,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19trying to turn the bally foal around.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What? What has he done to the baby?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, well, I don't blame him.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27They are horrid little things.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31When my sister was born I shoved her on the back of our best stallion,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35slapped its rump, and we didn't see her for five days.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Yah. Daddy was furious.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Horses with those sort of bloodlines are damn hard to find.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh, well.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46All right, but just for a few hours.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Bring the little bugger over. WHINNYING
0:03:50 > 0:03:52What are you doing, you silly mare?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You'll never get the thing out on your own.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It's going to be a double-glover, Camilla.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Kay!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13What is it, Mother?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15They're at it again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Oh, what, with the smoking?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Oh, Lord, it's a disgusting habit, isn't it?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I've told them, but they don't listen, those students.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Are they still there? They've been there since the Silver Jubilee.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Well, they'll be postgraduates now, I should imagine, but...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Well, I'll go and have another word and I'll tell them
0:04:34 > 0:04:36to go and do it over by the other fence.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Yes, excuse me, could you just...?
0:04:42 > 0:04:47There's a 103-year-old woman in there with a respiratory condition.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Kay!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yes? Coming, Mother.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Let's try shutting the window, shall we?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Kay!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05SIRENS BLARE
0:05:09 > 0:05:10This way, Mrs Merkel.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18We are the most important,
0:05:18 > 0:05:22powerful people in the world and we have to meet in Cardiff.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It is perverse.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26It is a joke, no?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30It is this British irony that they are so proud of,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32that they think nobody else understands.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35We understand. It is not so clever.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Yes. It just means actually not funny.- Exactly.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Make the O shape with your lips.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, like this... Oh. Oh.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46George Osborne is coming today.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47- Oh!- Perfect.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What are you putting on there, Birgit?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Flesh colour. Natural-ish, but a nice warm flesh.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Not too warm. - Nein, mein Chancellorette.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, and careful, Birgit,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01or we will get the pouffiness with the hair and then it's all sex bomb,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06sex bomb, and nobody can concentrate and the whole meeting is nutzlos.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Now, what are we wearing for the summit?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09How about this one?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Oh, nein, that one pushed down on my Bustenhalter at Davos
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and George Soros was panting over me.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20And then Berlusconi, he had to go to the bathroom for a long time.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24His hair dye, it was running, running down his cheeks.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25This one?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'm not sitting in a window in Amsterdam!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Then let's go with the old faithful.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33What is this smell?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35SHE SNIFFS
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Obama!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41With a hint of David Cameron's Penhaligon cologne.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42He's a hugger.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Oh...
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Birgit, do you remember when we went to that dinner at Windsor Castle
0:06:49 > 0:06:53with that carpet with a terrible pattern that gave us all a headache?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And the British toilets with the incompetent flush.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I like to speak to the Queen in German.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01She pretends not to understand me,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03until you insult her children.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Then she hears every word.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08THEY LAUGH
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That was splendid, Producer Sue.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, hello, have you come to clean the studio?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Can I help? Why don't you take the day off?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20It is Christmas, after all.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21I can do that for you.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, sherry!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Shall we drink it? - Oh, festive tipple.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Yes, please.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Whoops-a-daisy. Oh, clumsy Clare. ALARM BLARES
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Clare, I think you've just unplugged Radio 4.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35SHE GASPS
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I'm a clot. How will people be able to complain about what
0:07:38 > 0:07:41The Archers is like these days if they can't even hear The Archers?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yes, but Radio 4 is monitored by Trident submarines.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47If they can't hear it they might think we're under attack
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- and launch a missile. - Oh, is that what happens?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yes, I'm afraid so.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But in a post-apocalyptic world, somebody will have to set up
0:07:54 > 0:07:56a hospital and a police station and a government,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and provide some decent coverage for Crufts.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01We could make ourselves really useful,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04and then I could present a programme about how we did it all.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- ALARM STOPS - I think that's it.- Even better.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Phew!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10What's next, Producer Sue?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16HORSES WHINNY, DOGS BARK
0:08:16 > 0:08:18THUD
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Morning, ma'am. - Oh, you blithering idiot.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- I beg your pardon? - You've run over Fifi's paw.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Oh, my God!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Erm, is there a vet nearby?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30There. Kindest thing to do.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Right, bar's open. 11am.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- G&T, anybody? - Er, no, thank you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Are you sure you'll be all right with His Royal Highness?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Yes, of course. Looking after children's like falling off a horse,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43only less fun.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Right, come on, sprog, heel.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Now, do you want to stick a horse's uterus back in
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- or do you want to drown a kitten in a barrel?- Kitten.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Kitten? Quite right. Got to be done.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Runt of the litter, just like Uncle Edward.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Tractor.- Tractor? I don't see why not.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Let's go and play with the tractor.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Ladies and gents, Silver Surfers is about you and your needs,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11so why don't you tell me why you'd like to get on the web?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Well, my grandson posts videos on the YouTube
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and I'd really like to watch those.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- What's your grandson's name? - Archie Atkins.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25You just type his name in the box there and...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Ah, there he is.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31As you can see, class, Archie's videos are quite poor quality.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34When you see somebody getting it wrong online in this way,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36it's important to point it out to them.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41We can either post a comment saying he has a voice like a girl or,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44option two, how everyone here wishes he were dead.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45- What will it be? - Oh, I don't think...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Wishes he were dead!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It seems a little cruel.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53No, that's the brilliant thing about the web, Ethel,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56there's no need to bother with all those everyday pleasantries
0:09:56 > 0:09:59that slow us down so much in real life.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"Wish you were dead, loser."
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Ooh!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It's quite normal to experience a real thrill
0:10:07 > 0:10:09when you click that send button.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Now, is there anyone else who'd like some help?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I've always enjoyed sending pictures of my penis to young ladies,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19but the cost of stamps nowadays...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I don't suppose I could do it on the web?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Oh, you've no idea, Stan.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27All you do is create a JPEG of your dick pic, attach it to an e-mail,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31and that will appear in the inboxes of young women across the globe,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- all for free.- Oh.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I'll be handing out a help sheet on that later.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Yes, Joyce?
0:10:37 > 0:10:43I'm quite keen on inciting religious violence and racial hatred.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Is there anything on the internet to help with that?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, no, I'm afraid not.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Oh.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50That is a shame.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm just kidding. Let's fire up the dark web.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Ooh!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16That's £19.50.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19AMERICAN ACCENT: May I just say how much I enjoyed riding backwards?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Here you are, my good man.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Cheers.- Cheers!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25It's a beautiful language.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's a beautiful country.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I hope it rains later.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30It's so quaint wet.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, the room is beautiful.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Will you look at this view?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Look at this light.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Turner painted in this light.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45It's so roomy, Hal.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47And look at this rail!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50You get in, you get out.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's so thoughtful.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's a courtesy, I would say.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58They are a very courteous people.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Paper's thin, but in an elegant sort of way.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Like an after-dinner mint, refined.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Oh, Hal, come and look!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09What?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11It's a British pubic hair.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- How do you know it's British? - It's smaller.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23And it's kind of curlier, but it's a tighter curl.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28It's the breeding. It's refined, like a short-haired breed.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33SHE GASPS It's gone.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Left foot is go and right foot is clutch,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and then you'll work it out as you go.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And try to avoid Grandad's organic gooseberries, all right?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Down on the left. Down on your left.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, Jesus, sprog, it can't be that difficult.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55No, don't accelerate!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59GLASS SHATTERS
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Bloody hell.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13(We should wake Howard up.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16(It's time to close.)
0:13:16 > 0:13:17(He smells disgusting today.)
0:13:17 > 0:13:19(Eau de Howard.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21(I'll even miss that.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24(Let me stamp the last book.)
0:13:27 > 0:13:28(Leanne...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30(Why are we still whispering?)
0:13:30 > 0:13:31(What?)
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well, there's no need for it any more, is there?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35(You're right.)
0:13:37 > 0:13:38What are you doing?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well...
0:13:40 > 0:13:45I've worn these rubber-soled shoes all of these years to be quiet,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and I'm going to my tap class tonight
0:13:47 > 0:13:50and I've always wanted to do this.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- CLACK - Ah!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Oh!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Tidy, tamping, lush
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Let it out, what a rush
0:14:03 > 0:14:06No reason, prayer or bribery
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Could save our poor old library.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11- # Here us scream - Argh!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- # Hear us shout - Argh!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Stamp us in and stamp us out
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Our arses sacked, no ifs or buts
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# By a bunch of Tory cuts
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# VHS, the old format
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# Don't need any more of that
0:14:26 > 0:14:27# No more Bergerac
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# The Darling Buds Of May
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# In 20 years no-one watched you anyway
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Large print, fiction
0:14:34 > 0:14:35# Throw it all away
0:14:36 > 0:14:39# But I'll take that
0:14:39 > 0:14:42# Fifty Shades Of Grey
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# No more shush or quiet, please
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# End of the line for the libraries
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# New world's got a digital look
0:14:49 > 0:14:52# Kindle killed the library book
0:15:13 > 0:15:18# No place to rest on a rainy day
0:15:18 > 0:15:23# Or hide from bullies if you're clever or you're gay
0:15:23 > 0:15:27# No more room for the elderly to read the news for free
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# New world's got a digital look
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# Kindle killed the library book
0:15:34 > 0:15:38# New world's got a digital look
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# Because Kindle, Amazon
0:15:41 > 0:15:43# Xbox, iPlayer
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# YouTube, Twitter
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# And in many ways porn
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# Killed the library! #
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Argh!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59IN WELSH:
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# Oh, Howard, babe
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# We will miss your sweet bouquet
0:16:37 > 0:16:42# Shakespeare, Shelley and Stephen King
0:16:42 > 0:16:43# King, King
0:16:43 > 0:16:46# Travel section, order and crime
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# Order, order, crime
0:16:48 > 0:16:52# Medical emergency and sexual health
0:16:52 > 0:16:53# Sex, sex, sex
0:16:53 > 0:16:58# Politics and nursery rhyme
0:16:58 > 0:17:04# Oh, hold on to your libraries
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Before some horrible twat
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# Twattity twat, twat
0:17:09 > 0:17:13# Buys them all and converts them
0:17:13 > 0:17:19# Into luxury flats
0:17:19 > 0:17:22# Luxury flats. #
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Cheers.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Do you know what, Producer Sue?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30This might be my best Christmas ever.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Isn't it marvellous, being allowed to be at work?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Not really, no.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh, Producer Sue, what's the matter?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I was rather hoping to go home, have dinner with my family.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And miss the fun here?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Yes.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Gosh, how odd.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Clare, when did you last have a holiday?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Well, I did have that whole weekend off in May,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54although I did the documentary about the royal family on the Saturday.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- I give up.- Shall I, erm...?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59No, don't worry about that, Producer Sue, allow me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my Christmas message to the nation.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06The Queen deserves a year off, and let's face it,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09some people say she's gone a bit stale.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Not me. Au contraire.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15This is a time for reflection.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Regret for those who have passed on
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and more regret for those who are still lingering about.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27It's time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30like those with just the one Oscar.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Poor dears.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36It's a time when we ought to think of giving gifts,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38and by we, I mean you.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Hampers from Fortnum's and Berry Brothers are acceptable,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46but do not buy a goat in my name.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Whenever will I get the chance to feed it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51With my knees.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54But in the main, it's a time for hitting the sherry
0:18:54 > 0:18:56from one of the aforementioned hampers -
0:18:56 > 0:18:58oh, Selfridges, if you must -
0:18:58 > 0:19:03and then drunk dialling Benedict Cumberbatch and informing him
0:19:03 > 0:19:07of exactly what one would do to him if one was 40 years younger.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12And it would take all 12 days, I can tell you.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Well, Barbara, I have to say that this is a hugely impressive CV.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Thank you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We've seen a lot of candidates over the last few months
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and this is amongst the most impressive.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Thanks. Project management is really my specialist area.
0:19:26 > 0:19:32I think you can see from my CV that I really do have a lot of experience
0:19:32 > 0:19:33with team leadership.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35There was just one thing on it,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39and I know that Peter and Fiona are curious about it as well.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41As we were preparing for the interview,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45we googled your name, and it comes up quite a few times, actually,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48that you've been convicted of crimes against humanity.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What's that about?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Well, I decided to leave that off the CV
0:19:52 > 0:19:57because I think that it's always best to be honest with people.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Honest?- Well, in the sense that it's something that happened in the past
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and it isn't really relevant any more,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and I would really rather focus on the last two years.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So, what are the details?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Of the, er, what, the crimes against humanity?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Yes.- Well, I was convicted about two years ago
0:20:14 > 0:20:18in The Hague of crimes against humanity in my absence
0:20:18 > 0:20:21and, well, that's about it, really.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Was this a genocide or something?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It was a genocide, yes.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So how many people would have died?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Well, the UN reckons about 15,000,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34but I think it was more like 20, maybe 30.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35And what was your role in this?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Largely organisational.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42I was responsible for the transport and general administrative stuff.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46A lot of burials obviously had to be undertaken,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and if you look at it purely in those terms,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I was very successful.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Did you try and stop the genocide at any stage?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I did try to stop it at one stage,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00but ultimately it was just easier to go along with it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Yes, I'm just looking up crimes against humanity here
0:21:03 > 0:21:08and it defines it as murder, massacres, extermination,
0:21:08 > 0:21:12human experimentation, kidnappings,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16unjust imprisonment, slavery and cannibalism.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Guilty as charged.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27And the sentence for crimes against humanity was in your absence?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Yes, I wasn't in court, and again, to be completely honest,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33it was 25 years.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And you're on the run now, are you?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Yeah.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38OK.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I think we are all agreed, that won't...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45..be a problem.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's still a hugely impressive CV.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Yes, it's definitely the best we've seen.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yes, I think we're all in agreement.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So, welcome to the bank.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Thank you.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Haaaa!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Pat, pit, pit, pot, putt. Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I bet you get this on every movie you do, Judi,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11but it's such an honour working with you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, I'm just playing pretend.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Actually, the main reason I decided to do this
0:22:17 > 0:22:19was so I could work with you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And it's DAME Judi, by the way.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Can I just check your make-up, Mr Grint?- Yeah, sure.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- What's this?- Oh, it was awful.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48What, who was it?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50An extra, I think.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I wanted to shout but I couldn't.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- I was quite afraid.- Unbelievable.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yes, that was very unfortunate.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Both on days they were working with you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I'm a national treasure!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I would hardly break all your devices
0:23:11 > 0:23:14just for the thrill of getting away with it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18No. No, of course not. Sorry.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- It's an unfortunate accident.- Yeah.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's backed up, my laptop's in my trailer.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25That's got my whole life on it,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27so as long as no-one sets that on fire...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Oh, God forbid.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32A plume of smoke would be seen for miles around.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Will you tell the director I'll be right back?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45This is a bit of aromatherapy.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It's jasmine,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50which is both helpful and beneficial.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I'm just going to pop it over here.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Now, if something smells a bit burny,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01that's the dusky notes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Very dusky and very woody.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18I'm just going to pop the music up, to really soothe you. VOLUME INCREASES
0:24:20 > 0:24:22(Hello. Fire brigade, please.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26(Yes, can they pop over as soon as they can?)
0:24:26 > 0:24:30You may notice it's a bit hot in the room.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33That's to relax you and to soothe you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57SHE MOUTHS
0:24:58 > 0:25:00SHE COUGHS
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Yes, it's natural to cough, you're just letting the toxins out.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Chancellor Merkel, the staff would love
0:25:11 > 0:25:13if you could join them for drinks.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Oh, let's stay, Angela.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16A drink would be nice after the long summit.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Well, I've been in a room all day talking, talking,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22while Birgit here has been having fun at the London Dungeon, ja?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Ja, but I got you an Anne Boleyn fridge magnet
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and apparel from Accessorize.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Oh, I love Accessorize.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33They have the best hair ties and the flipfen-flopfen.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Flippen-floppen. - Flippen-floppen, ja.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Let me get you a glass of champagne, ladies.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41How is my hair, Birgit? Not too sexy and pouffy.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I don't want to look like a strumpet in front of the staff, ja?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- A few words, Chancellor? - APPLAUSE
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I have been talking, talking all day.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Then sing, sing!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do-da
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# My economists told me we'd be talking a week
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# I said, darling, all these figures, to me it's all Greek
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Everybody, everywhere wants some money
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# And they wonder why we Germans don't find things funny
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# If you bail out a nation you expect a little gratitude
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# But let me tell you, baby, all you get's a lot of attitude
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# One long never-ending economic wreck
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# At the end of which is Germany, signing every cheque
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# I'm the honey with the money and, honey, it ain't funny
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# When the honey with the money has to shell out all the money
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# And it's funny how the countries that are sunny need the money
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# And whose idea was the Eurozone?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do-da
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# Far, far, far on the autobahn
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# Scoo-da-da, scoo-da-da, scoo-da-da, scooden-daden
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Neunundneunzig luftballons
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# The pain in Spain gives me a migraine
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# They exploit us all in Portugal
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Go to Slovakia, they just attack-a ya
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# When you're hanging out with Putin don't put your foot in
0:26:54 > 0:26:57# Or else Putin will put his boot in
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# There's an inner brute in Vladimir Putin
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Mamma mia, the mess in Crimea
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Crimea, Crimea
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Cry me a river
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# Oh, what you gonna do? #
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Sing, sing!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# I like soul and R&B
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# And Eurovision secretly
0:27:15 > 0:27:16# I speak Russian fluently
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Good accent, apparently
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Got a degree in chemistry
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# At Leipzig University
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# I've never taken LSD
0:27:24 > 0:27:25# But she drinks beer occasionally
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Favourite sandwich, BLT
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Her middle name is Dorothea
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Eins, zwei, drei, vier
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Get me an Uber over here
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# Ja. #
0:27:34 > 0:27:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Ready?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Everybody have a wonderful time.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44THEY LAUGH
0:27:44 > 0:27:45DOOR CLICKS Oh!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Hello, ladies.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Hello. We thought everyone had gone home for Crimbles.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Chance would be a fine thing.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, look, if you want to head off, I'd be happy to help out.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Here, let me wear the hat.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Merry Christmas.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Ta very much.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Great! We're going to be security guards, Producer Sue.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05We're going to stay here all night.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06I thought we were going home.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10No, we've got the whole BBC to ourselves and no security guard.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12We could do anything we want.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14What have you always wanted to do?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15There must be something.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Bong.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Bong.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Bong.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Bong.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And now the shipping forecast.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Viking, North Utsire,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31South Utsire.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33West Forties.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Fog patches at first.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Mainly good.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Merry Christmas.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Do you know, there's something I've always wanted to do, too.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46STEADY TONE