0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:08 > 0:00:09# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# And I'll do it to the bitter end
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:20# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tra-acey Ullman's Show
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Let's go! #
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Oi!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I don't know what you mean.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Oh, it's you, isn't it?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench? Then, yes, it is.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- How very nice to meet you. - Sorry about that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07There must be something wrong with the security camera.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Yes, well, they can be temperamental. - I loved you in James Bond.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Oh, we just try to tell a good story. And thank you.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17What was I thinking?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.- Exactly.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26But, of course, I don't.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh, what's that over there?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, my mistake.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Well, it's an honour meeting you. - Yes, lovely to meet you, too.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38You have such a lovely shop here.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52SHE CACKLES
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Look, Karen!- Karen!- Leave it all to me, don't worry. Leave it to me.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13How does it feel to be home?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15My client is very tired after her long flight,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- but she is willing to answer a few questions.- REPORTER:- Karen, Karen!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19You're a free woman after 28 years.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- What is the first thing you are going to do?- Have a wash.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- I smell like a frigging badger. - How does it make you feel that...?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- What's that?- A croissant. - A what?- Croissant.- A what?- Croissant.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- A what?- Doesn't matter.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You have had great support here over the past three decades.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35How does it make you feel when you look at that picture?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It were a dead good holiday, that, till we got done for the drugs.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Me and me best mate, we got a job in a bar in Koh Tao
0:02:40 > 0:02:44and we were putting cocaine in packets of pot noodles.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Chicken chow mein and Charlie.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- Your friend Sharon wasn't quite as lucky as you, was she?- No.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54She got executed by a firing squad, but that is the risk you take, innit?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Hey, Sharon's mum!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57What's that?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- That's a flat white.- A flat what?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Flat white.- Flat what?- Anyway...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It's time my client finally went home.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Her mother has waited a long time to get her daughter back.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Yeah, I've got 28 years of Corrie to catch up on.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Is Ken Barlow still in it? REPORTERS:- Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13OK, thank you.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Sorry, we just wondered if you had...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18SIRENS
0:03:22 > 0:03:23This way, Mrs Merkel.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33We are the most important, powerful people in the world
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and we have to meet in Cardiff!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- It is perverse.- It is a joke, no?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It is this British irony that they are so proud of,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that they think nobody else understands.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We understand. It is not so clever.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Yes. It just means actually not funny.- Exactly.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Make the O shape with your lips.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57No, like this... O. O.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59George Osborne is coming today.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Oh!- Perfect.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03What are you putting on there, Birgit?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- Flesh colour, natural-ish, but a nice warm flesh.- Not too warm?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Nein, mein Chancellorette.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Oh, and careful, Birgit, or we will get the puffiness with the hair
0:04:12 > 0:04:17and then it's all sex bomb, sex bomb and nobody can concentrate
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and the whole meeting is nutzlos.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Now, what are we wearing for the summit? How about this one?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Oh, nein.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26That one pushed down on my bust in Davos
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and George Soros was panting over me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33And then Berlusconi, he had to go to the bathroom for a long time.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37His hair dye was running, running down his cheeks.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38This one?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I'm not sitting in a window in Amsterdam!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Then let's go with the old faithful.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46What is this smell?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Obama.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55With a hint of David Cameron's Penhaligon Cologne. He's a hugger.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Oh, Birgit.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Do you remember when we went to that dinner at Windsor Castle
0:05:02 > 0:05:06with that carpet with the terrible pattern that gave us all a headache?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And the British toilets with the incompetent flush?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I like to speak to the Queen in German.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14She pretends not to understand me.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Until you insult her children,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19then she hears every word.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21THEY LAUGH
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Every word, Birgit! THEY LAUGH
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Where's Dad?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38He's dead.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, 1996.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Oh...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47SHE HAWKS
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Maggie's died, an' all.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50What, her up the road?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53No, Thatcher.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Oh...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Oh, I kept your bedroom as it was for when you came back.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Well, why didn't you say so before?!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Bloody hell!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I didn't touch a thing.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18It's all me old photos.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Oh, look, there's me and Barry outside the Wimpy.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I've still got that mix tape that he made for me.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30He had lovely hair, then, like Shakin' Stevens.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Does he still live on Copperfield Street?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Well, he does, but a lot of time has passed, Karen.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I mean, he has got grown-up kids. He's about to become a grandad.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I've thought about him a lot over the years.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm sorry, Karen.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I know it's hard.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'd love to see him again.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Just once.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I'll take you there this afternoon.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03SOOTHING MUSIC This is a bit of aromatherapy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08It's jasmine which is both helpful and beneficial...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm just going to pop it over here.
0:07:14 > 0:07:20Now, if something smells a bit burny, that the dusky notes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Very dusky and very woody.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36I'm just going to pop the music up to really soothe you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41WHISPERED: Hello? Fire Brigade, please.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yes. Can they pop over as soon as they can?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Now, you may notice it's a bit hot in the room.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51That's to relax you and to soothe you.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18CLIENT COUGHS
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Yes, it's natural to cough, you are just letting the toxins out.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25CLIENT COUGHS
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Well, Barbara, I have to say that this is a hugely impressive CV.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Thank you.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32We've seen a lot of candidates over the last few months
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- and this is amongst the most impressive.- Thanks.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Project management is really my specialist area.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I think you can see from my CV that I really do have
0:08:41 > 0:08:44a lot of experience with team leadership.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47There was just one thing on it, and I know that Peter
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and Fiona are curious about it as well.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53As we were preparing for the interview,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56we googled your name and it comes up quite a few times, actually,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59that you have been convicted of crimes against humanity.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What's that about?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Well, I decided to leave that off the CV
0:09:03 > 0:09:07because I think it's always best to be honest with people.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Honest?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, in the sense that it's something that happened in the past
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and it isn't really relevant any more
0:09:13 > 0:09:17and I would really rather focus on the last two years.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- So, what are the details?- Of the... What, the crimes against humanity?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Yes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, I was convicted about two years ago in The Hague
0:09:26 > 0:09:32of crimes against humanity in my absence and that's about it, really.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Was this a genocide, or something? - It was a genocide, yes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39So how many people would have died?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Well, the UN reckons about 15,000,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45but I think it was more like 20, maybe 30.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- And what was your role in this? - Largely organisational.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53I was responsible for the transport and general administrative stuff.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57A lot of burials obviously had to be undertaken
0:09:57 > 0:10:02and if you look at it purely in those terms, I was very successful.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Did you try and stop the genocide at any stage?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I did try to stop it at one stage, but ultimately,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11it was just easier to go along with it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Yes, I'm just looking up crimes against humanity here
0:10:14 > 0:10:19and it defines it as murder, massacres, extermination,
0:10:19 > 0:10:25human experimentation, kidnappings, unjust imprisonment,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28slavery and cannibalism.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Guilty as charged!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- And the sentence for crimes against humanity was in your absence?- Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44I wasn't in court and again, to be completely honest, it was 25 years.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- And you're on the run now, are you? - Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49OK...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I think we are all agreed,
0:10:52 > 0:10:53that won't...
0:10:55 > 0:10:56..be a problem.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's still a hugely impressive CV.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Yes, it's definitely the best we've seen.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Yes, I think we are all in agreement.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So, welcome to the bank.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Thank you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Karen?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I've made you a chip butty.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Karen?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Karen?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23SNORING
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Aw...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Yea-aargh!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31SPEAKS COD THAI
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Karen!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Aargh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Mum, I'm sorry, I thought you were trying to steal my shampoo.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40You shouldn't wake me up like that,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I could have snapped your neck. Bam, like a chopstick.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- It wouldn't be the first time. - Oh...oh...
0:11:47 > 0:11:51This is Dame Maggie Smith's audition show reel.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55I wish to move into science-fiction blockbusters.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57If Harrison Ford can crank them out at his age
0:11:57 > 0:11:58then there's hope for us all.
0:12:00 > 0:12:06Ooh, there's a Xenomorph on the spaceship and it has acid for blood!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Though if it dissolves your face,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I hardly think we'd notice the difference, dear.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14This is for Star Trek.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I believe there is a special name for Star Trek fans.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Idiots.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Mr Scott, the Enterprise needs power
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and she needs it now, or there will be words.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30And finally, Star Wars.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37The force is an energy which surrounds us and binds us.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It's like good underwear, darling.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41There.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Well, I look forward to seeing my action figure.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Right, so I'll see you on Monday.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Phone me when the anteater does a poo
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and I want it bagged and weighed, all right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Now, the lamb is a bit depressed so I don't want you bringing it down.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- It doesn't want to hear about your problems...- Hayley!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Just a word before you go.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Now, we love your work here and I'm sure the animals appreciate you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13They say I'm the best by a considerable margin.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Well, I'm just a bit worried about the time you are spending
0:13:16 > 0:13:19on some of the animals.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Perhaps not all of the ants need to be given names,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26or funerals when they die.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, Mr Antastic was a really important member
0:13:29 > 0:13:31of the arthropod community.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37Yes, and so was Ant Boleyn and Anty Jemima and Presid-Ant Lincoln.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Thank you for the e-mails, sorry I couldn't attend each service.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Yeah, I know you're busy.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Could you open the bag, please? - There's nothing in the bag.- Open it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- You're not the boss of me. - Yes, I am.- Oh, yeah...
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Oh, you can't take the penguins home for the weekend, Hayley.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04But he loves to watch Britain's Got Talent!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Choirs and street dance is what he's into.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Take him back to the penguin area.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12But I've got Ocado coming in the morning with 600 herring
0:14:12 > 0:14:13and I can't eat all that!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Well, we'll just have to watch it on my phone on Monday.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19I know it's not much fun
0:14:19 > 0:14:23when you can't join in with the tweets in real time.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27You know, "What's Amanda Holden wearing? #NotEnough."
0:14:29 > 0:14:32A shock result from the South Brierley by-election last night
0:14:32 > 0:14:35as controversial feminist candidate Sally Preston
0:14:35 > 0:14:37won a landslide victory.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40The independent MP for South Brierley is being widely credited
0:14:40 > 0:14:44with generating a remarkable new interest in British politics.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48BIG BEN CHIMES
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Busy today. Must be a close vote.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Yeah, that'll be it, all very excited to represent the electorate
0:14:55 > 0:14:57to the fullest possible.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Mm-hm.- Morning.- Morning, Sally.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- MALE MPS:- Morning, Sally. - Great speech yesterday, Sally.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- Did you see the viewing figures?- No. - Highest ever for BBC Parliament.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Ten times the average.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Seems you've got people really fired up about your...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16er...stuff.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Well, that's great because the more exposure I get for my exposure,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23the sooner we will all cease to be so dismissively sexualised.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was on. My wife is a big fan.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- SHE SCOFFS - Hi, Claire Hollis. Greenwich.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- Can I just grab a quick word? - Yes. Yes. Of course.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Listen, I know we're on different sides of the chamber,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- but can I just say something, woman to woman?- Yes, of course.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's just that... How do I put this?
0:15:46 > 0:15:52We both know it's a very important bill today and it just feels like...
0:15:52 > 0:15:56they're taking focus away from the issue.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Well, they ARE the issue.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Yes, but that's the issue, they shouldn't be the issue.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I've been an MP for seven years and let me tell you,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05if you want people to vote your way,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09they have to pay attention to what you say rather than what they see.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Yeah, but this was a promise I made to my electorate.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13These are my mandate.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Yeah, I know, but you have to establish yourself first.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Trust me, in this place, you do not want to run before you can walk.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And you know the first thing you need
0:16:23 > 0:16:25before you go running, don't you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- What?- A good bra.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30THEY LAUGH
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Which is why I believe that these reduced subsidies
0:16:35 > 0:16:39are tantamount to stealth taxation on poor women everywhere.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Well, I utterly disagree.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48CHEERING
0:16:48 > 0:16:53- The Honourable Member...- Bitch! - ..doesn't seem to grasp the first...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I know it's early days, Karen,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00but what are your plans, now you're back?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Well, I'll get me old job back in Woolies, I loved it there.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Woolworths has gone. They've all closed down.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I'll work in Our Price, then.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It's all gone.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Blockbusters.- Gone.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Virgin Megastore?- Gone.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Where do people get their music? - iTunes.- What?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- iTunes.- What?- iTunes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Hey, where's Bejam's?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Gone.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Rumbelows?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Gone.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Dolcis?- All gone.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Don't worry, Karen.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Currys is still here.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Oh, good.- But it's merged with PC World.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- PC what?- World.- PC what?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45World.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, here we are. Come on.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- That's the one. - I've got butterflies, Mam.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, I'm sure he'll be pleased to see you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58You haven't changed a bit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Karen?- Hiya, Barry. Long time no see.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Bloody hell, I've not seen you since...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You got me that job in Koh Tao.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- About that... - I've got a present for you, Barry.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Yeah, that were a bad idea of mine.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- SPEAKS COD THAI - You what, love?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30That is Thai for "You fucking bastard!"
0:18:30 > 0:18:34HE GRUNTS AND GROANS
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Just get off me, Karen!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38No, not the eyes, I've just had laser surgery!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- You what?- Laser surgery!- You what?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Oof! Laser surgery!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I don't know what that is and you know what? I don't fucking care!
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Oh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Aargh!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50HE GRUNTS
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Yeah, thanks for dropping by, Karen(!)
0:19:02 > 0:19:06SHE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I bet you get this on every movie you do, Judi,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12but it's such an honour working with you.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Oh, I'm just playing pretend.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Actually, the main reason I decided to do this was
0:19:17 > 0:19:19so I could work with you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And it's DAME Judi, by the way.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Can I just check your make-up, Mr Grint?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- What's this?- It was awful!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Well, who was it?- An extra, I think.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I wanted to shout, but I couldn't.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- I was quite afraid.- Unbelievable.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Yes, that was very unfortunate.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Both on days they were working with you...
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I'm a national treasure,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I would hardly break all your devices
0:20:11 > 0:20:14just for the thrill of getting away with it!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15HE CHUCKLES
0:20:15 > 0:20:18No. No, of course not. Sorry.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- It was an unfortunate accident. - Yeah. It's backed up.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25My laptop was in my trailer, that's got my whole life on it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- So as long as no-one sets that on fire...!- Oh, God forbid!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32The plume of smoke would be seen for miles around.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Will you tell the director I'll be right back?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- A drink, mein Chancellorette? - Ja, a large one!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- All of it?- Ja, ja.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Bad day?- Oh, ja.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52The bra is coming off, Birgit.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Ooh, I've been wanting to do that all day.- You should have done.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59And drive them all crazy with lust?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02You could have put it on your head and covered your ears
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- so you couldn't hear what they were saying.- Good idea!
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Mm! Another one. - Phew! You should be blotto.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13This is Britain at its very best, Birgit - from a very long way away.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16You know, this Nicola Sturgeon was there today,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18from the Scottish Nationalist Party.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Grrr! I am hopping, hopping with rage.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Was she in the suit in the hot beige?- Ja.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27She's definitely usurping my style. The suits, the hair...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29She wants to be chic and glamorous, like you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- She is threatened by my sexiness, no? - Ja. You are ein total hottie-Frau.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, shush, Birgit.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's true, Angela. You are a sex kitten.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- You are like a white Beyonce.- Is this what they are saying, Birgit?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Or a sturdy German Pussycat Doll.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Now, mein Chancellorette, tomorrow in Berlin...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I'm going to have to think about the Sturgeon woman.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52She is obsessed with referendums.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56There's nothing else to do in Scotland but have referendums.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Ja, it is dark and cold and they probably do it to keep warm, ja?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01But why does she have to do it
0:22:01 > 0:22:04looking like an Angela Merkel singing tribute lady, huh?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- I'm going to call her. - Nein, mein Chancellorette.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11This is the vodka talking. No, no... Angela!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13ANGELA MUTTERS
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Oh, it is answerphone. Oh, what a silly little Scottish voice.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Like a clicking...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23She doesn't have your honey-coloured tones, mein Chancellorette.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- But if you just give me the phone... - Nicola! Guten Tag.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Delightful to see you today in such a striking outfit,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31very much like my own.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Stop copying me, you horrible little girl!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Everybody knows what you are doing, so just stop it!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Stop it! Stop it!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ha! Right.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46SHE CHUCKLES
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It's good that I said that to her.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Ja.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Ja, it will clear the air.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Ja.- Ja.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Birgit?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Do our intelligence services have a way
0:22:59 > 0:23:01of removing an answerphone message once it is made?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Nein.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06SHE SIGHS
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Scheisse.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- WHISPERED:- We should wake Howard up. It's time to close.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30WHISPERED: He smells disgusting today.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34(Eau de Howard. I'll even miss that.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37(Let me stamp the last book.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43(Here... Why are we still whispering?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44(What?)
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Well, there's no need for it any more. Is there?- You're right.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51What are you doing?
0:23:51 > 0:23:57Well, I've worn these rubber-soled shoes all of these years to be quiet
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and I'm going to my tap class tonight
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and I've always wanted to do this.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06CLACK
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Tidy, tamping, lush
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Let it out
0:24:14 > 0:24:15What a rush
0:24:15 > 0:24:18No reason, prayer or bribery
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Could save our poor old library!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- # Hear us scream and hear us shout - Aargh!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# Stamp us in and stamp us out
0:24:28 > 0:24:30# Our arses sacked, no ifs or buts
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# By a bunch of Tory cuts!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# VHS, the old format
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# Don't need any more of that
0:24:38 > 0:24:41# No more Bergerac, The Darling Buds Of May
0:24:41 > 0:24:44# In 20 years, no-one will watch you anyway!
0:24:44 > 0:24:49# Large print fiction, throw it all away!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# But I'll take that
0:24:52 > 0:24:54# 50 Shades Of Grey!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# No more shush or quiet, please
0:24:57 > 0:24:59# End of the line for the libraries
0:24:59 > 0:25:02# New world's got a digital look
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# Kindle killed the library book... #
0:25:05 > 0:25:07MUSIC CONTINUES
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# No place to rest
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# On a rainy day
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# Or hide from bullies
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# If you're clever or you're gay
0:25:36 > 0:25:38# No more room for the elderly
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# To read the news for free
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# New world's got a digital look
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Kindle killed the library book!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51# New world's got a digital look
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# Cos Kindle, Amazon, Xbox
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# iPlayer, YouTube, Twitter
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# And in many ways porn
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# Killed the library book! #
0:26:07 > 0:26:10HE SINGS IN WELSH
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# Oh, Howard, babes
0:26:39 > 0:26:44# We will miss your sweet bouquet
0:26:50 > 0:26:55# Shakespeare, Shelley and Stephen King
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- # Travel section or handcrafts - Or handcrafts
0:27:00 > 0:27:06# Medical emergencies and sexual... Sex, sex, sex
0:27:06 > 0:27:11# Politics and nursery rhymes
0:27:11 > 0:27:16# Hold on to your libraries
0:27:16 > 0:27:22- # Before some horrible twat - Twattey, twat-twat
0:27:22 > 0:27:31# Buys them all and converts them into luxury flats
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# Luxury flats! #
0:27:52 > 0:27:53SHOUTS IN COD THAI
0:27:53 > 0:27:57It's all right, Karen. Your shampoo's safe.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59You're with your mum, now.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Mummy...
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Yes. Yes.