0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Then I grew up and did it again And basically I'm still doing
0:00:09 > 0:00:10# The same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman show
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Tracey Ullman Show. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Let's go!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39PHONE RINGS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41SHE GROANS
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Duchess of Cornwall, what the hell is it?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53What? Oh, no, no.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I can't have George, I've got a very busy day.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Yah, in ten minutes I'm going to be elbow deep in my best filly
0:01:01 > 0:01:04trying to turn the bally foal around.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06What? What has he done to the baby?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Oh. Well, I don't blame him, they are horrid little things.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15When my sister was born, I shoved her on the back of our best stallion,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19slapped its rump and we didn't see her for five days.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Yah, Daddy was furious.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Horses with those sort of bloodlines are damn hard to find.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Oh, well. All right, but just for a few hours.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Bring the little bugger over.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33HORSE WHINNIES
0:01:33 > 0:01:36What are you doing, you silly mare?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38You'll never get the thing out on your own!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40HORSE WHINNIES
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It's going to be a double-glover, Camilla.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I've seen a house on the website and I want to buy it.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Two million - cash.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Yeah. I'm a business woman and a northern powerhouse.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Electronic banking is for southerners.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What do you mean it's got a lovely south-facing garden?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I don't want to look at the south.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Pam Garrity never faces that way.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Find me another house.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Four sides - all facing north.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Well, then change physics.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15MUSIC: In An English Country Garden
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Smell that English air!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I can only smell diesel, Colly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yes, but it's English diesel, isn't it?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Do you want one of these paprika crisps?- God, no!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Well, you're not having my giant Toblerone.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I'm saving that for special.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Lovely to see the hard shoulder back where it belongs, eh?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- What's this?- Oh, it's TalkTalk welcoming us home.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Now, you see, that's the kind of personal service
0:02:47 > 0:02:49you just don't get on the continent.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50- You want some music?- Yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53MUSIC: Whatever You Want by Status Quo
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I love this.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58# Whatever you want whatever you like
0:02:58 > 0:03:02# Whatever you say, you pay your money, you take your choice #
0:03:02 > 0:03:04MUSIC BECOMES MUFFLED
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Ow!
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Ow!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20SHE GROANS DOG BARKS
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, Mummy's coming, Eric!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Mummy's coming!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Oh!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Slobbery kisses.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Bloody Nora! Come and see this.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I told you you went over a badger at Newark.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I didn't run over him. - Oh, my days! Who's that?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We have a guard dog!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He will attack if you make a move. Eric, steady. Steady, boy.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Please, my name is Allende.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Can I have some water, please?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I've been holding on since Calais.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Oh, Colin, go and get him one of them Fruit Shoots from the boot.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- They've been there three years! - Well, they don't go off, do they?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Right.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I am filming this for documentary evidence.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10So, don't do anything violent, I have 57 friends on Facebook
0:04:10 > 0:04:11and they will track you down.
0:04:26 > 0:04:33Darling, I... I absolutely adore Sam Mendes to bits, but...
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I promised Kenneth that I would do Richard III
0:04:38 > 0:04:41in the West End and...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I don't want to see him tears again.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:47 > 0:04:49What's that noise?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, I'm standing by a fountain.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57but somebody's made an awful mess in there.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58SHE SIGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- The people who do this are animals. - Yes. I totally agree.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Was it you? I was in here five minutes ago and nobody else came in.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08No! No, no, it's a mystery.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Maybe MI6 could find the culprit.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- Hang on, are you...- Do you mean, am I Dame Judi Dench?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Well, yes, I am.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- I named my daughter after you. - Oh, did you? How humbling.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Oh, well let me give her a signed photo.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28From one Judi to another.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32I'm very sorry I accused you. You're a national treasure.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Well, I don't know about that.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37But I'd hardly spend my morning blocking all the toilets
0:05:37 > 0:05:42in five-star hotels in London just because I could get away with it!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Guess how many I could do?- Um...
0:05:47 > 0:05:4915, at a push.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Oh, I'm afraid somebody's made a terrible mess in here, as well.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Well, I'll let you get on with it.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Do you happen to know the quickest way to the Savoy?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Don't worry.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Animals!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Yes, it's a bit hard to put in your mouth all in one go that, Allende.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Best to nibble it. Do you know nibble?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27So, what made you hang on under our car, Allende?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I was going 90 through the Oxford Clay basin.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Life in my country is worse than death.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I spent all my money to escape.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It has been my dream to come to UK where I will get a house and a job.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Oh, Allende, you've been reading the Daily Mail.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Yes, in my village it was our favourite website.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I'm going to have to ring the police now. He can't stay here.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Oh, Colin, I feel bad. It's like he's chosen us to help him.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59He could stay in Ryan's room.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He's not home on leave for another nine months.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Christine...- There's everything in there a young man needs.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09There's clean pyjamas and the Nintendo.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, just for the night.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Do you think he'd like to watch Eggheads?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20DOGS BARK
0:07:20 > 0:07:22THUD DOG YELPS
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Morning, ma'am! - Oh, you blithering idiot.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- I beg your pardon? - You've run over Fifi's paw.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Oh, my God! Is there a vet nearby?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32GUN SHOT DOG YELPS
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Kindest thing to do. Right, bar's open. 11am. G&T, anybody?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No, thank you. Are you sure you'll
0:07:39 > 0:07:41be all right with His Royal Highness?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Yes, of course. Looking after children is like falling off a horse.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Only less fun.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Right, come on, sprog. Heel.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Now, do you want to stick a horse's uterus back in,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54or do you want to drown a kitten in a barrel?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Kitten!- Kitten? Quite right. Got to be done.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Runt of the litter, just like Uncle Edward.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Tractor.- Tractor? I don't see why not.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Let's go and play with the tractor.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Can I take these two?- Sorry, sweet cheeks, it's a work thing.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19That's the client chair and that's my 4pm creativity reboot chair.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20So, no.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Greg!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, hi.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- I haven't seen you since you were made...- Left the office.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Best thing I ever did. No, I work for myself now.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I've got a great boss and guess what?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36He's not a woman!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Um... Where do you work? - In the cloud and in my head.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- And in here, right?- Yeah, here, too. Could you go round the lead, love?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Go round the lead, yeah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Yeah, I'm developing apps, want to hear about it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- OK.- Thought so. Sit down.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Yeah. No, not there, not there. That's the client chair.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So, Greg, forget about your surroundings...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04imagine you're in a coffee shop, right?
0:09:04 > 0:09:09You want lemon cheesecake, but they're sold out. What do you do?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Buy a muffin.- No, no, no. You use Snackdar!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Look, you find someone else in another coffee shop who wants to be
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- your treat partner. - I'm a bit lost...- So, all right.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They can get you lemon cheesecake,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26you can get them millionaire shortbread,
0:09:26 > 0:09:30simply by using micro-payments and bicycle couriers
0:09:30 > 0:09:34to transfer your snack of choice to each other.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- It's so intuitive.- You buy those cookies now.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No, no, no. I'm not eating them, love.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's just a visual aid.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- You touched them. £6.30.- Er...
0:09:41 > 0:09:44It was lovely to see you, Dominic...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Yeah.- ..and good luck with whatever this is.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Greg, I've got a proposal for you.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51How would you like to buy two cookies at 80% of retail price?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Great offer, but no. Sorry.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56When you pay?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59OK, I'll use Cashmelp. It's a new money replacement I'm working on.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- We don't take Barbie play money. - I don't know, put it on my tab.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You don't have tab.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08You've got all the answers, today, haven't you, Christina?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Hello, I'm a Dame Maggie Smith
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and now Judi Dench - love her to bits - has left James Bond,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I would like to audition for the part of James Bond.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23So, here's a little tape I'm making to show you what I can do.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26They keep changing the actor, don't they?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Because he's a Time Lord, or some such.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34My name is Bond, yeah. James Bond.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I have a licence to kill.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38It's provisional at present.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I have the theory test on Wednesday.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Now, the part is mine!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Now, I suppose that if you already have someone to be Bond,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I could be the Bond girl. It would hardly be a stretch.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I could be Miss Onatopp, or Maria Quimtassle.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57But it's £15 extra a day for nudity.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Stunts are a doddle.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I can fight on top of a train - I've had enough fights inside one.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06It's called the quiet carriage, and quiet it should stay.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09So, Mrs Purple Sprouting Broccoli, look no further.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I'm your 007.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Not that you need the two 0s.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It's just 7!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Agent 7.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Has nobody pointed that out?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Ladies and gents, Silver Surfers is about you and your needs.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So, why don't you tell me why you'd like to get on the web?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Well, my grandson posts videos on the YouTube
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and I'd really like to watch those.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39What's your grandson's name?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Archie Atkins.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45So, you just type his name in the box there and...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Ah, there he is.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Now, as you can see, class, Archie's videos are quite poor quality.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54When you see somebody getting it wrong online in this way
0:11:54 > 0:11:56it's important to point it out to them.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And you can do that by clicking the thumbs down button,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01or if you want to make it more personal,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03you can type a comment here.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Now, best not to use your real name.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I go by QueenCow1963 and loads of other names
0:12:10 > 0:12:14that make it really hard to trace me.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17We can either post a comment saying he has a voice like a girl,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21or, option two, how everyone here wishes he were dead.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- What will it be? - Oh, I don't think...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Wishes he were dead.- Rightio.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27It seems a little cruel.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Oh, no. That's the brilliant thing about the web, Ethel.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34There's no need to bother with all those everyday pleasantries
0:12:34 > 0:12:36that slow us down so much in real life.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Wish you were dead. Loser."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41SHE INHALES SHARPLY
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ooh. It's quite normal to experience a real thrill
0:12:44 > 0:12:47when you click that send button.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Now, is there anyone else who'd like some help?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I've always enjoyed sending pictures of my penis to young ladies,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56but the cost of stamps nowadays...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I don't suppose I could do it on the web?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Oh, you've no idea, Stan.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05All you do is create a JPEG of your dick pic, attach it to an e-mail and
0:13:05 > 0:13:08that will appear in the inboxes of young women across the globe.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10All for free.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I'll be handing out a help sheet on that later. Yes, Joyce?
0:13:14 > 0:13:20I'm quite keen on inciting religious violence and racial hatred.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Is there anything on the internet to help with that?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, no. I'm afraid not.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oh. That is a shame.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29I'm just kidding!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Let's fire up the dark web.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32SHE CACKLES
0:13:37 > 0:13:40It's on, is it, Edmund? Yes, it is.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Hello, I'm Margaret Macdonald
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and I was a line judge at Wimbledon for 20 years.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You may remember me - I'm the only
0:13:47 > 0:13:50line Judge Jon McEnroe ever apologised to.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yes, I could be serious!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Today - how to make a line call in tennis. This is the line.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05This side of the line is in. When the ball is in, we shout...
0:14:05 > 0:14:06(nothing.)
0:14:06 > 0:14:08This side of the line is out.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12When the ball is out, we shout...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14SHE GROWLS: "Out!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:16The important thing to remember when making an out call
0:14:16 > 0:14:18is that tennis is theatre.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It's got to be dramatic and it's got to be truthful.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22This, for example, is no good.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25GENTLY: Out.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Where's the drama in that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Equally, this won't work.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Where's the truth?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You crouch,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39you breath from the diaphragm and...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45SHE GROWLS: ..out!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Where were the vowels? Nowhere.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50That's drama and it sounds like you could have been hurt. That's truth.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55You adjust your glasses just to give them the option of appealing...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Keep doing that. And you know what? You'll be a line judge, my friends.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Ow! Yep. Still got it!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07What the fuck did you do that for, Edmund?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Now, this is Ian Beale, he's been in it from the start.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15He's sort of related to the Fowlers, because Lou was their grandmother.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- And her...- Hello!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I couldn't get any cassava flour -
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Susan at the little shop had never heard of it.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26But she said you can't go wrong with crispy pancakes,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28so I'm just going to pop the grill on.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Allende was saying he used to be in the military.- Oh, like our Ryan.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- But from the age of five.- Oh...
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Apparently, he escaped and did a degree in agricultural engineering,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44but then the rebel army came and burnt down his village.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47He had to hide in a cess pit for three days.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And I got you a Kinder Egg, as well, Allende.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You've been through so much.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Oh, Eastenders!- Yeah.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Now, this is Dot Cotton. Her son, Nick, is really bad.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02A bit like your rebel army.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Left foot is go and right foot is clutch
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and then you'll work it out as you go.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15And try to avoid Granddad's organic gooseberries, all right?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Down on the left. Down on your left.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Oh, Jesus, sprog. It can't be that difficult.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25No, don't accelerate!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29SMASHING GLASS
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Bloody hell!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Oh, there you are, Mum.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Toast is ready and I picked all the rind out of the marmalade.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I wish you'd just let us go rindless,
0:16:41 > 0:16:42because it's a lot of bother,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46but I know you say it doesn't taste the same.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Ooh, where are you going? Nature calling, is it?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's all go, isn't it? I wish nature would call me.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I seem to have shut up shop.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, Lord, who is that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I don't think it's the postman
0:17:00 > 0:17:02because his ring is much more hostile.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Hello?- Hello there, I'm Maxwell from Barwell Hislop estate agents.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09We're in the area today...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Why don't you come in? I don't want the neighbours to see me half naked.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Thank you.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Oh, wow!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So, we've recently sold a number of properties on this street
0:17:22 > 0:17:25and we're wondering if you've ever thought of selling at all?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- No, I don't think we ever have. No. - Really?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You don't mind if I make a few notes, do you?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Oh, I'll pour you a cup of tea. - Thank you.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So, how long have you lived here for?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Well, Mother and Father bought the house in 1930.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- They paid 249 guineas for it.- Wow.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Well, it would be worth a lot more now. Four bedrooms, is it?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yes, and a box room. Although we just live in here,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- because, you know, it saves on the heating.- So many original features.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Well, yes. We've updated it a bit,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59as well. You know, we got an inside toilet in 1986.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Although we don't use it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03We're saving it for best, aren't we, Mother?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04How many receptions?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Well, there's this, there's the parlour and the drawing room
0:18:08 > 0:18:12and the dining room. But I don't think I've ever been in there.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Yes, you have. George VI's coronation.- Oh, yes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Well, I was only one, so I wouldn't really remember. Would I, Mum?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22You left a stain on the antimacassar.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Oh, that'd be why she doesn't let me back in.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29And are you aware of the current valuation for a property like this?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32No, no. We don't really know about things like that.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34£2,000,000.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Two million? Did you hear that, Mum?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Yeah.- Oh, Lord!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Something to think about, maybe.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You know, you could get yourself a nice little ground-floor flat
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- and still have more than one million quid in the pocket.- Oh, golly gosh.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56- Oh, excuse my French.- You could go travelling.- Oh, I'd love to travel.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58We've been to Llandudno once, didn't we, mother?
0:18:58 > 0:19:0222 hours it took us in that old Morris Traveller.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- You could buy some jewellery.- Oh, yes. Something sparkly.- Absolutely.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Or a new car, a boat, a holiday home.- Yes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- You could afford to really enjoy life.- Yes, yes!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15The answer is no.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25Oh. Are you absolutely sure?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Are you sure, Mum?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yeah. I'm sure.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Right, well, I'll leave my card just in case you change your mind.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Thank you.- We won't.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42She can have her fun when I'm gone.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I'm sure you've been saying that for the last 45 years, Mum.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Gather around, nice and close. I won't bite.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Here we are in the royal bedchamber
0:20:04 > 0:20:08where we find, not surprisingly, the royal bed.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13And this king-size model actually belonged to Henry VIII himself.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18It was made around 1530 and many hundreds of times since. So...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24We believe that a middle-aged Henry got to know the young
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Anne Boleyn on this very mattress.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Of course, the popular image of Henry is as a rather rotund figure,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34but at this point in his life he was still, you know,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36he was still relatively slim and sporting
0:20:36 > 0:20:40and one cannot overstate the raw magnetism of his powerful position.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43So, he'd have had little trouble finding female company on those
0:20:43 > 0:20:46long nights away at the conference.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Um...
0:20:47 > 0:20:52It wasn't until the foundation of the Church of England in 1532
0:20:52 > 0:20:55that Henry was finally able to divorce his fiercely loyal
0:20:55 > 0:20:59but age-appropriate wife Catherine.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02News delivered to her by Henry's trusted friend Thomas Cromwell.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Because... Well, you'd have to ask Henry, wouldn't you?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Guilt, I would imagine. Or shame.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10It's unlikely she ever got the whole truth,
0:21:10 > 0:21:15but if it was just business, then why was the wine marked room service?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Any questions?- How old was... - She's 25.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Yeah, Anne was around 25, but no-one really knows her real age.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28But, I mean, I've looked at her profile and she's 25.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I mean, she couldn't be more than 30, not with those.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- But they did marry and... - Yes, on this very day, yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37In, er, 1533.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41A much smaller affair, but the entire court would still be going,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43even those who'd stated clear disapproval of the match
0:21:43 > 0:21:48would have quickly swapped their allegiance for that little s...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Am I right in saying that Anne was the one who was...- Beheaded!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Cut her head off! Clean off!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Bought in an expert from France with a bloody big sword and...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59one chop - she was dead. And that would teach you, wouldn't it?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I mean, that would teach you to nick someone's bloody husband!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Anyway... Let's move on, shall we?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Let's just try to move on.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Do you think they were in love?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh, is anyone?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oh, it's just a little boo-boo.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Nothing that a dab of this won't fix.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23GEORGE WHIMPERS
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Well, it's no use moaning now, sproglet.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You were at the wheel, weren't you?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30SHE GROANS
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Just be brave. After all, you are going to
0:22:32 > 0:22:35be head of the armed forces one day.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38That should do it. Just one more drop of alcohol.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Mm. Mmm. There we are.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44And we are done.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46PHONE RINGS
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Ah, hello.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Hello, sexy.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Yes, I miss you, too. When are you coming home?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I've got no knickers on.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01I thought that might do it. Oh, I've got to go.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Ah-ah-ah-ah...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, no, no. That's not for you, sproglet.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Lightsaber!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11It's not a lightsaber, it's a sceptre.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It was Grandpa's grandpa's grandma's or somebody.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16One of the Germans.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Yoda!- I'm not bloody Yoda.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Who calls me Yoda?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Daddy.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, the little squirt.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Oh, is it five o'clock already?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Come along, sprog.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Ma'am, I've come to take George. - To boarding school?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- No, home.- Oh, of course.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Come along, sproglet.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46No, no, no. That's not yours for years.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Goodbye, then. Yeah, see you again one day.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53SHE GASPS
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Shit a brick! He's taken the ruddy ruby.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Bugger it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12They never use the thing anyway.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Bye!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Chancellor Merkel, the staff would love
0:24:21 > 0:24:23if you could join zem for drinks.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25We are celebrating the completion of the lobby restoration.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, ja. That's right. All the plastic has gone
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and the dust that had us coughing, coughing, ja.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I apologise, Chancellor. They said it would take four months.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36They always say this. And how long did it take?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Four months and one day. German builders!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40HE LAUGHS
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, let's stay, Angela. A drink would be nice after ze long summit.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Well, I've been in a room all day talking, talking,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- while Birgit here has been having fun at the London Dungeon, ja?- Ja.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54But I got you an Anne Boleyn fridge magnet and apparel from Accessorise.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, I love Accessorise.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00They have the best hair ties and the flipfen-flopfen.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Flippen-floppen. - Flippen-floppen, ja.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Let me get you a glass of champagne, ladies.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07How is my hair, Birgit?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Not too sexy and poufy?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I don't want to look like a strumpet in front of the staff, ja.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Today, I was with that Greek finance minister and he was all over me.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Ja, I can always know when he is behind me. I hear the squeak, squeak
0:25:19 > 0:25:24of his leather jacket and then this floral, spicy, rudey smell.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Kouros spice and aroma. - Oh, Birgit, you have a crush on him.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30How can you blame me, Angela?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- He's a welcome political eye candy after Jean-Claude Junker.- Ugh!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Sch-tinking of mouth wash and Lynx shower gel.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40A few words, Chancellor?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I have been talking, talking all day.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Then sing! Sing!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50SHE SCATS
0:25:52 > 0:25:55# My economists told me we'd be talking a week
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# I said, darling, all these figures, to me it's all Greek
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Everybody, everywhere wants some money
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# And they wonder why we Germans don't find things funny
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# If you bail out a nation you expect a little gratitude
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# But let me tell you, baby, all you get's a lot of attitude
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# One long, never-ending economic wreck
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# At the end of which is Germany signing every cheque
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# I'm a honey with the money and, honey, it ain't funny
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# When the honey with the money has to shell out all the money
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# And it's funny how the countries that suddenly need the money
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# And whose idea was the Eurozone?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28SHE SCATS
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# Far, far, far on the autobahn
0:26:31 > 0:26:34SHE SCATS
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# Neunundneunzig Luftballons
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# The pain in Spain gives me a migraine
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# They exploit us all in Portugal
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# Go to Slovakia, they just attack-ia
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# When you're hanging out with Putin, don't put your foot in,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Or else Putin will put his boot in
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# There's an inner Putin, Vladimir Putin
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# Mamma Mia don't mess in Crimea
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Crimea, Crimea
0:26:58 > 0:27:03# Cry me a river, what are you going to do?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Sing! Sing!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- # I like soul and R & B - And Eurovision secretly
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- # I speak Russian fluently - Good accent apparently
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- # Got a degree in chemistry - At Leipzig University
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- # I've never taken LSD - But she drinks beer occasionally
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- # Favourite sandwich, BLT - Her middle name is Dorothy
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Eins, zwei, drei, vier Get me an Uber over here
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Ja. #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You ready?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Ja, everybody have a wonderful time.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40KNOCK ON DOOR
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You've probably never had one of these before, Allende.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- It's called an Options.- I want to thank you, you have been so kind.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51You're best to stir it. Otherwise it just stays as powder.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Tomorrow, I will leave you. Find somewhere to live and a job.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Oh, there's no rush. We could go to the Golden Acre theme park tomorrow.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05It's a site of special scientific interest. Colin loves it there.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Sleep tight.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13I'm so glad you chose our motorhome, Allende.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18KEYS JANGLE IN LOCK