0:00:02 > 0:00:04# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# And basically I'm still doing the same show
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tracey Ullman's Show!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Tracey Ullman's Show! Let's go. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:41This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46That's £19.50.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: May I just say how much I enjoyed riding backwards?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:- Here you are, my good man.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- Cheers.- "Cheers!"
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It's a beautiful language.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01It's a beautiful country. I hope it rains later. It's so quaint, wet.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- I am so lagged.- Yeah, but it's a nice lag, it's a British lag.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Oh, the room is beautiful.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Will you look at this view? Look at this light.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Turner painted in this light.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25It's so roomy, Hal. Oh! And look at this rail.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30You get in, you get out. It's so thoughtful.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35It's a courtesy, I would say. They are a very courteous people.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Paper's thin. But in an elegant sort of way.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Like an after-dinner mint, refined.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Oh, Hal! Come and look, come and look.- What?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50It's a British pubic hair.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- How do you know it's British? - Well, it's smaller.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And it's kind of curlier but it's a tighter curl.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03It's the breeding.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06It's refined, like a short-haired breed.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11HE BLOWS Oh! It's gone.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Come along, you.- Well, thank you.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's good, actually, to get that off my...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Well, off my...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Yes, just leave it with me.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Joan?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Anything interesting?- No, just a complaint about speed bumps.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I tried to explain my hopes to revolutionise politics
0:02:45 > 0:02:47by dismantling the oppressive constraints
0:02:47 > 0:02:50of a patriarchal society but...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I didn't think he was concentrating.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Are there many more?- Oh, yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Quite a few. They're... They're very popular. The...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Uh, the surgeries, I mean.- Who's next?- OK, we've got Mrs Markham.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- A noise complaint.- Thank you, Joan. Show her in.- Mrs Markham?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Ah, Mrs Markham. I'm Sally Preston, your new MP.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12I'm delighted to meet you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16They tell me that you have an ongoing issue with antisocial behaviour.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Yes, it's my neighbour but one.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I've spoken about him to the Council on several occasions
0:03:21 > 0:03:23but they say they can't...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- You're not wearing a top. - No. No, I'm not.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- What happened?- Nothing. I... I don't wear tops.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Because of a rash? - No, because of politics.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Oh, won't they let you wear tops in politics now?- No.
0:03:35 > 0:03:41- My personal politics don't allow me to cover my breasts.- Oh, right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- I burnt my bra.- Oh, in the '60s?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44No, Tuesday.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Cooking.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Right, well, let's get back to this noise issue, shall we?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- So, let me just take down some... - You've picked up a pen.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Yes, I know, I'm going to make some notes.- No!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57You've...picked up a pen.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Oh. Thank you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03What about a thin cotton slip?
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Oh, that would be contrary to party manifesto.- It's on the leaflet.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Exactly.- No. It's on the leaflet.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Right. Um...
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Look, why don't you just leave your address details with my assistant
0:04:19 > 0:04:23and I'll make sure that I chase up the noise problem
0:04:23 > 0:04:26with the relevant department, OK? Uh, Joan?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We've got Mr Corbett next.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Says it's a philosophical matter. - Right.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Oh, and, Joan, if some talc were to turn up,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Right. Mr Corbett?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Ah. Now, Mr Corbett. How can I help you with...?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44SHE GASPS Oh, my God!
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- It's a political statement. - Uh, no, it's not. Uh, Joan? Joan?
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Good evening, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and I'm demonstrating my versatility,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59which I do not believe the world has yet appreciated.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Today, I'm showing off my motion capture character chops.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Hence the garb.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I shall start with a comic book superhero.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Yes, I am trying to clean up the city
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"and if I have to break a few skulls to do it, I will.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20"Even if it is a complete palaver, darling."
0:05:20 > 0:05:24There. That was a Batman or a Daredevil.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Well, they're all the same, you may as well be honest about it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29The Hulk's a little different.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Because he's green.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I can also do animals.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Here is my ape with a franchise titled Planet Of The Above.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:05:45 > 0:05:46"It's the taste."
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Thank you.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You're too kind.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh, may I mention I can also catch a gun in midair
0:05:53 > 0:05:56and shoot it before I hit the ground?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Most probably.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Have you got your ticket?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yes, we've got ours.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Always makes me think I'm at the delicatessen counter at Sainsbury's.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Doesn't it, Mum? I always say to the nurse, don't I, Mum?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I say, "Two Scotch eggs, please!"
0:06:19 > 0:06:21SHE LAUGHS
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I don't think this nurse speaks much English, so...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Hmm.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- What number are you?- Uh, 103.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Oh, that's mother's age. Oh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38You've done very well, haven't you? You must have been up with the lark.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43We can't use our bus passes before 9:30 so we're number 142.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Yeah, that's our best number so far, isn't it, Mum? Hmm.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And we've got chairs this time and everything,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54so it must be our lucky day, huh?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Hmm.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Do you come here often?- No.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02We do. Mother's having some tests.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Having her blood taken.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07They must like your blood, mustn't they, Mum?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09SHE LAUGHS
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They lost the last lot so we've had to come back.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- But we don't mind, it's like a home from home here for us, isn't it?- Hmm.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Oh, there's your doctor, Mum. Look, oh! He's a nice young man, isn't he?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26He's a smashing young man.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'm afraid there's been a bit of a hold-up,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31we're three hours behind, but we will get to you eventually.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Don't worry about us, Doctor. No, we're making a day of it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36We've got sandwiches and everything.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I just need you to fill in this form.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Details here, pain score there
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and mark any piercings on this diagram here.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Thank you.- Oh, yes. Thank you, Doctor. Yes, Doctor.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Well, she's got to have a procedure. - What did the doctor say?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Oh, I think he said...mark where it hurts.- Oh.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02So, that's pretty much everywhere, isn't it, Mummy?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Um, there, huh?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08There. And your new knees.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And your new hips.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Oh, and here.- Ah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Yes, looks about right. - That's fine.- Hmm.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: Listen to these names, Hal. Lara, Alexa.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29They're kind of classy, don't you think?
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Debbie. "Student masseuse. Uniforms, toys, A & O-levels."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Education is very important in this country. All those old schools.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Yeah, and look at this implant. It's a British implant, it's more natural.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Look at this dame. There's something in her eye.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50It's like she's looking right at you. It's a kind of dignity.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Like Helen Mirren.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- No American woman can get her tatas out like Helen Mirren.- Oh, no.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That is one beautiful British rack.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00And the smell in here, what is it?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02It's like a... SHE SNIFFS
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Sandalwood, it's a...
0:09:03 > 0:09:07It's a woodsy smell, like mushrooms or...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I think it's pee.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yeah, I think it's pee.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Well, it just takes you back to your childhood and it's very playful.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22A little pussy cat. I just think that cats are great fun.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26And this I make simply by sticking my fingers in some paint
0:09:26 > 0:09:30and picking up the mug and there you go.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Job done. That is literally handmade.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Wow!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Ooh, £100.- Yes, but it is particularly playful.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40So, where do you get your ideas?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, I try to think back to being a three-year-old child.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And think, "What did I like?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I liked cats, I liked anything pink, I liked chocolate, playful things.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And then if that little girl had a multinational company,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54what sort of company would it be?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58We've a creative session now. Would you like to come and observe?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So...
0:10:00 > 0:10:01what do we think?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Uh, £60.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Ah. Now come on now, Hannah.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Don't block yourself, there are no bad ideas here.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10And it is very playful.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- £70.- 160 quid.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Excellent work, Damian. Now, what about this?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, um, £50.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21£60. £70, £80.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Good work, Hannah. Much, much better.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Much better.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And, did I hear something about
0:10:27 > 0:10:28you relocating to Luxembourg?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, you'd have to ask the business gods about that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I'm just interested in the fun side of things, the creative,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- the playfulness.- Because I'm sure... - Um, I think it's something like,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40and I'll probably get this completely wrong but I think it's something like
0:10:40 > 0:10:41if we relocate to Luxembourg,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45then we don't have to pay corporation taxes on any sales in the EU
0:10:45 > 0:10:48apart from Luxembourg, which is only 0.1% of the market.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Or something like that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Oh, and this is my Happy range.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55This is "Tea makes me happy".
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- "Eggs makes me happy." - And do eggs make you happy?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- I don't eat eggs, I'm on a no-cholesterol diet.- Right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Um, and just finally, why do you think you've been so successful?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I think it's cos it's fun and it's playful and people want to
0:11:08 > 0:11:12spend about 30 quid on a present and they don't really care what it is.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Yeah, Anini was on Dior?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, I'm not surprised. Leoli's too fat.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I told her in Milan, I said, "If you want to do Runway,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"you can't just be thin, you've got to be abandoned donkey thin."
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Tatiana, I'll call you back. Um, can somebody stop this thing?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Does anybody know how to stop this thing?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, I've just seen the most amazing girl. Uh, can you get out of my way?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I run Isis.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Not that one!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Um...
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Oh! Steph Walsh, Isis. The model agency, not the, you know...
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I had the name first. Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46I can see your clavicles, it's amazing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And I bet I could play xylophone on your ribs.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Oh, you're tall, you're tall too.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I can practically see your sinuses and I'm wearing heels.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- How old are you, sweetheart?- 19.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- Liar.- I am.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00ID, I need to see some ID. Well... Oh, you can drive!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, I can't take anyone over 16.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You really shouldn't waste people's time like this, you know.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You should know that at your age!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh! Aggressive.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12SHE TUTS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35SIRENS WAIL ON SCREEN
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You came through the fire escape? Out.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I don't know what you mean.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Where's your ticket, then?- Oh. Well, I seem to have misplaced it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I'd hardly sneak in.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm a national treasure.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Yeah, right. Out.- No, I'll show you.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Um, give me your torch, please.- No.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Just give me your torch, you little...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh, my God, you are Judi Dench!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Yes, and I'm here because it's so important to follow
0:13:06 > 0:13:08what the young actors are doing.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Such beautiful, nuanced performances.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15That's why I've come to see Fast And Furious 7.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Well, it's an honour to have you in our cinema.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Can I tell you a secret?- Yes.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I think you're much better than Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Ah, I think we both know that's not true!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28SHE LAUGHS
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Could you ask this lady in front to move?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36If I knew a man in the pub who was running off copies
0:13:36 > 0:13:38for the market, he'd probably say,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"Make sure you don't get anyone's head in the way this time."
0:13:41 > 0:13:45But I don't do things like that for kicks just because I can!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I'm a national treasure.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Sorry, Miss?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- You're going to have to move. - I booked this seat.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54That's Judi Dench.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Oh.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Thank you so much. Now go and get me a blue slushy.- Sure.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10These are our chickens.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Some people say, "Why have you got chickens in the zoo? They're boring.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"I want my money back."
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Well, some people say that.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20When they get back to their car at the end of the day,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22they find it covered in elephant shit.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Come here, you! Come here, you. Yeah!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Ah! This is an enterprise zone.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You'd be better off with the mums and the retireds
0:14:36 > 0:14:37over there, love, all right?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Hey, Christina.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Got an important meeting so bring your A game and two lattes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- IN A FOREIGN ACCENT:- We don't work for you,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- you are customer in our shop. - Yeah, yeah, no time to discuss
0:14:46 > 0:14:47all the niceties. Ah!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Hey, are you the app guy?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Yes, the one and only. So you found us OK?- Yeah.- Yep.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Welcome to Disruptasaur.
0:14:55 > 0:14:5810 Park Place. Kind of assumed it would be more...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- An office?- Yeah.- I'm post-office.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Yeah, I mean, I don't mean I'm a post office.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05No, I mean I'm in a flexi third space zone with Wi-Fi
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and it's ideal for the app creator.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Go around the lead, love. Go round, I'm on 9% here. Go round.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Yeah.- What have you got?- It's shit hot. You know Shazam?- Mm-hm.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18You hear a song, you want to know what the song is? Shazam tells you.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Yeah, I know it.- Yeah, well, this is like Shazam but for the weather.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24So, you hold it up to the sky
0:15:24 > 0:15:28and it tells you what the weather is like right now.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- There it is, boom! It is overcast. - Right.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Well, then it will tell you what the weather is going to do later?- Uh...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No, no, because you wouldn't need to do that,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38you can just check with the apps.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40So, we have a deal?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- It's...- Well, I've got lots more, I've got lots more.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I've got AirScissors, borrow scissors in a foreign country.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49There's Share My Plank.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51That's Uber for a skateboard.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Well, it was nice to meet you anyway.- All right.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Is it because I'm a man? - What?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Yeah, well, you know, because the company I used to work for,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01which I don't miss at all, by the way, they're sort of promoting women.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02More women and women
0:16:02 > 0:16:05until there was like, women were getting, like, 30% of the jobs.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Another time, then.- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10God.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Ah, that's more of a pine cone than a leaf, Jose! 4 out of 10.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Any more of this and I'm moving premises
0:16:16 > 0:16:18cos I tell you now, Starbucks want me.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19They do.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Are you sure I can't tempt you to a tongue sandwich?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- No, thank you.- Suit yourself.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I would offer you a Gypsy cream but Mother ate both of them
0:16:31 > 0:16:34and pretended she hadn't realised.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Well, I've got a coffee from Costa so that'll keep me going.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39We did look round Costa. Hmm.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43We didn't buy anything, it was far too expensive.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- But we browsed, didn't we, Mum? - Hmm.- Hmm.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49I was actually born in there, as a matter of fact.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Not in Costa. It was the maternity ward but it's closed down now.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you remember when you had me, Mum?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oh.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Oh, she's still a bit cross with me about that
0:17:03 > 0:17:08because things haven't been right in the downstairs department since then.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Number 36?- Oh, that's made me jump.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Ah! We're getting closer.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Not long now.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Hal, Hal, Hal.- Huh?- Come and look at this, come and look at this.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Tell me what you see.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- A dog poop.- A dog poop, yes. But look where we are. Look where we are!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Oh, my! Isn't that where she lives?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36It's a little corgi turd.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- You think?- Look at it, it's beautiful.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Look at the regal peak, it's almost a crown.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- She didn't pick up, she doesn't have to.- You're right.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's enshrined in British law.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51By royal arrangement, these corgis, they can poop wherever they want.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Harrods. Anybody's house.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Choose a subject's house at random, take them inside
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and they would be allowed, by law, to make a doody on the rug.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01It's in the Magna Carta.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04They carry no money, they carry no poop sack, it's the same principle.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07- Oh, honey. You trying...?- Ah!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, my God! Geez, you trod in it.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Oh, God! No, no, no.- Get it off!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Yeah, get it off but you've got to
0:18:13 > 0:18:15get between the ridges with a stick.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Oh! That's horrible.- That stinks. - Oh, that stinks, that's not corgi.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- That's some regular Joe German Shepherd shit.- Yeah.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23They should pick up. Eugh!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27And breathe in deeply. RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:27 > 0:18:29And out.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And remember to keep breathing deeply all the way
0:18:32 > 0:18:35through your treatment or you'll be brain-dead within four minutes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37We don't want that, do we?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41THEY MOUTH
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And think of dolphins.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yeah, Tatiana. How's the new intern doing?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21What do you mean she's in the toilet all day? What's she doing?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Is she bulimic?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh, I love her. Let's start paying her!
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Oh, cystitis? Eugh! How '90s. Hmm.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh, Tatiana, got to go.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Stop the cab, stop the cab, stop the cab!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Drive! Drive.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Don't look alarmed, I'm from Isis.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47But don't worry, I'm not going to make you a jihadi bride.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- I know Isis.- We're a modelling agency, hash tag #IamIsis.- I know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- You know, you've heard of us? - Yes!- Oh.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Why can't they all be like you? Breathtaking, skeletal and bright.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Did you go to public school? Oh, I do hope so.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Working-class parents care.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Posh people let their children do whatever they want. Look at Cara.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I'm with Cyclone. New Faces?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- You're already signed?- My agent's Giselle O'Hara.- Snotty O'Hara?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So off her tits at McQueen that she fell into an artificial fire
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- and exposed her Spanx? Are you happy with that?- She's lovely.- Yeah.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They said Rose West was lovely.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Oh, get out.- Can you stop the cab? - No, no, were on a red route.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Get out.- Ah!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Drive, drive!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33God, you're not going to charge me for that stop, I hope!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45How dare that woman show her face in Chipping Norton.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- What woman? - Rebekah Brooks.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50She's back working for Rupert Murdoch, you know.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52You'd think she'd have the decency to move to Australia or Fallujah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Well, she was acquitted, Lucinda, like Amanda Knox or OJ Simpson.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Jessamine!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Jessamine, let it go!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Jessamine, come away!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04That's my apple.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- There you are.- Thank you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You're getting very pretty, Jessamine.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Tell your mummy you can be a page-three girl in a couple of years.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Mummy, the witch says I can be a page-three girl!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- BIKE BELL RINGS - Look out!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- SHE GASPS - There she is. That's her!
0:21:30 > 0:21:34ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36# Whoa!
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# I used to be feared by everyone
0:21:42 > 0:21:45# First female editor of The Sun
0:21:45 > 0:21:49# But now, no-one calls or texts or gives a damn
0:21:49 > 0:21:53# Career was all over in an Instagram
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- ALL:- # Rebekah!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# Rebekah kah-kah-kah
0:21:57 > 0:21:59# Rebekah!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01# Kah-kah-kah-kah!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# Where were Sam and David Cameron?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08# First sign of trouble and, man, they're gone!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12# I prayed someone somewhere would care
0:22:12 > 0:22:16# But the only one that calls me now is Tony f-----g Blair... #
0:22:16 > 0:22:19MOBILE RINGS And Jeremy Clarkson. Loser.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24# You can name me, you can shame me
0:22:24 > 0:22:27# But legally I'm sorry, you can't blame me
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# Watch what you say I'll be back some day
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder
0:22:33 > 0:22:36# Better keep looking over your shoulder
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Whoo! Whoohoo! DOGS BARK
0:22:38 > 0:22:42# Whoo! Whoohoo! Whoo! Whoohoo!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45# You can take away my jet my husband stud
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# You can drag my body through the mud
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# It's not right, it's not fair
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# I'm still here but I want to be there
0:22:51 > 0:22:54# Back in the game, back on top I'm the unstoppable you can't stop
0:22:54 > 0:22:55# Oh, no!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Don't cry for me, Chipping Norton!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07# I've called on the forces of mystery
0:23:07 > 0:23:11# To restore my ass to history
0:23:11 > 0:23:14# The people want to hang me from the highest tree
0:23:14 > 0:23:19# But because I was the boss it doesn't mean I'm guilty!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23# Wah, wah, wah, wah
0:23:23 > 0:23:26# Wah, wah, wah, wow! #
0:23:26 > 0:23:30ECHO: Wah, wah, wah, wow...
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- Climb on, Rebekah. Rupert Murdoch sent me.- I knew he'd save me again!
0:23:36 > 0:23:41# You can name me you can shame me!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45# But legally I'm sorry, you can't blame me
0:23:45 > 0:23:48# Watch what you say cos I'm back today
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder
0:23:50 > 0:23:54# Better keep looking over your shoulder! #
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Yeah, it's Rebekah with a K and I'm back. You can't get rid of me.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Like cockroaches, herpes and Piers Morgan!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07SHE CACKLES
0:24:09 > 0:24:12They did actually call our number.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15It was ever so exciting, like winning the lottery.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18But then it turned out that we hadn't filled the form in properly
0:24:18 > 0:24:20so we had to take another ticket.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22286 this time.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I think that's our lucky number, right, Mum?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Do you know what I said when I took it?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I... I don't know.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Two Scotch eggs, please!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Ah! I could murder a Scotch egg.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Couldn't you, Mother?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Oh, I'm ever so peckish.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41We finished our sandwiches ages ago.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I'm afraid your doctor's gone home
0:24:43 > 0:24:46but I'll be seeing you after you've had your blood test done.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Oh! Thank you, Doctor.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You're right, Mother. We're going to miss the last bus.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I should have driven. We do have a car, but we never use it because...
0:24:58 > 0:25:03I got a parking place right outside the house in 1988
0:25:03 > 0:25:06and we haven't wanted to lose our spot.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- What?- They'll be disappointed!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12SHE LAUGHS Yes.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13This is Mother's little joke.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16She always said that when the terrorists get rewarded
0:25:16 > 0:25:17with their 72 virgins,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19They'll be terribly disappointed
0:25:19 > 0:25:20if I'm one of them.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- Ah, yes.- Yeah, she's very amusing, Mum.- Number 171?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Oh, good luck.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Don't worry about us, yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35We're making a day of it, aren't we, Mum?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Oh, we're having a lovely time talking to all these nice people.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42We might come back tomorrow just for the fun of it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Yes.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Oh, yes.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55Oh. Look at the small buttons on the remote, it's such a delicate item.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- So beautiful. - The same one as in my den.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00No, this is half the size.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02MOANING ON SCREEN
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.- What?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Honey, look.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11They have their own porn! Even the porn is different.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13That's right, look.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- He's not circumcised. - Hal, you're right.
0:26:15 > 0:26:21- Not everybody here is.- Look at the line of it. Oh, it's beautiful.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- It's like an E-Type Drag. - So British.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25- MAN ON TELEVISION:- 'Schnell! Schnell!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27'Ich komme! Ich komme!'
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Oh.- Oh.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Some things they must buy in.