0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06# I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# And basically I'm still doing the same show
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Cos it's my
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:20# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Tracey Ullman
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Let's go. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38'The controversial leader of the Arab state of Haribi
0:00:38 > 0:00:41'was overthrown today during widespread demonstrations.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44'Tawoos Al-Amir has ruled the country with an iron fist
0:00:44 > 0:00:46'for 30 years, and is now in hiding.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51'His unpopular wife Soraya, dubbed "the hairdo of Haribi,"
0:00:51 > 0:00:53'is thought to have fled the country,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56'but opposition forces have failed to trace her whereabouts.'
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Ilifat! Ilifat! You must hurry!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01SHE SIGHS
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Good morning, realm of mystery!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Good morning, strange new world...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD ..oh, good morning, Hounslow!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11SIRENS WAIL
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Ilifat, my strong young goat!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- BLOWS RASPBERRY - Stop or I'll shoot, you silly woman!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20GUNSHOTS
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Ilifat, no, no, no, no, no,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24we are trying to keep a hush-hush secret house here!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Now, it is time to put your school uniform on, it is your first day.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Choppety-chop!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32No! I hate it here and I hate that you have taken me away from Daddy!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35GUN FIRES Ooh!
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Ilifat!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We need to have talkies.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Right! Now...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46When I first went to drama school, back in 1979,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I thought it was going to be all about poncing around in leotards
0:01:49 > 0:01:51pretending to be trees and dogs and that, you know?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53But...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I soon realised that it was about LIFE.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Yeah? So with that in mind, let's dig into our inner truths,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01let's get the pig out, let's look it in the face
0:02:01 > 0:02:03and let's kill it, all right?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04OK, now...
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Bus shelter on a council estate in Southall, and you, what's your name?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12- Rupert.- Rupert.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You're a dealer.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15And you're a bastard.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Awesome.- Right, what's your name?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Siri.- Siri.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20You're so desperate for some skag
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- you've left your baby at home to turn tricks, all right?- Cool.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Up you get. All right?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25And...
0:02:25 > 0:02:26shoot!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Er... This is really, really awkward,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32but I was wondering if you could sort me out with some heroin?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Mate, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40All right, and scene, and scene, all right, all right, OK.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Sit down a sec.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You see, the problem is,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46you're all playing it like Eddie bloody Redmayne.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Where is the range?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I mean, what do you think of when I say range?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Rover?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53An Aga.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54(Oh, Jesus.)
0:02:54 > 0:02:56All right, all right.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00We're going to try and find it. You, come up here, and you, come up here.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01We're going to dig a bit deeper, all right?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Now, you are a man and wife and you're on benefits,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and you've just got back from the pub,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and you're raging cos you've got no job.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09And...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11door slam!
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Shut up, Pippa.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15You've left your skis in the hallway again.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Sit down, sit down, sit down. You, you come up.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Pippa, you're really frightened, love.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24You're terrified, he's been knocking you about for decades.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And Rex, I want you to really give it to her.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Give it to her, all right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Let's go!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Now... Now, honestly, look... Look at the mess in this place.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Pippa, you should really speak to the home help or something...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39It's not fair! I've had a ghastly day too, you know.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43The debt collector came round and he threatened to sue my arse off.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45OK...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46OK...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47All right, er...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Out of interest, erm...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Did any of you go to a state school?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59No. All right, any of you brought up outside Hampstead?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I grew up in "Keen-ya".
0:04:01 > 0:04:02SHE SIGHS Yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Well, let's just do some eight-ball, shall we?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Let's do some eight-ball.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You start passing 'em out, I'm going to have a quick cigarette.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'll be right back, all right?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Ili. Come, sit on Mummy's knee.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Now, Ilifat, there is nothing to fear.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24You will make lots of new followers, or friends, as they are known here.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Maybe you can teach them your special song, yes?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30# Lion of the desert
0:04:30 > 0:04:32# King of the seas
0:04:32 > 0:04:35# If you do not love him he will chop off both your knees! #
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Aiee!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Now, you must choose an English name,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42like Cliff, William or Tony Blair.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46When we first landed in the airport, I saw a name I liked.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Oh, yes, and what was that?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Travelex! Make me sound like rap star.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Perfect!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55All right, Travelex, it is time
0:04:55 > 0:04:58to begin your education as an English gent
0:04:58 > 0:05:03at the magnificent Hounslow Secondary School.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Your bus money.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08And, oh, some money for lunch.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Are you the app guy?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'm James, I'm here about the job.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Internship.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Yep, I am the CEO, founder and creativity samurai of Disruptisor.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Go round the lead, mate, go round.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I am looking for somebody to work alongside me,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33literally, at that table there.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Does it pay?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Sorry, my... My dad said I should ask if it pays.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38That is not the question to ask yourself.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You should ask this of yourself -
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"Am I hungry?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I'm starving, could I have the falafel wrap?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Er... No. Am I hungry to win?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"Will I rest until Disruptisor
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"is bigger than Facebook, bigger than Coca-Cola?"
0:05:51 > 0:05:53And the answer to that better be "Yes."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56No, I think the answer should probably be no.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Very good.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Sharp!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I've written down "sharp."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03OK. Um...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Let's play a game, shall we, James?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Let's just imagine we are developing three sensational new apps -
0:06:08 > 0:06:12we've got Pound Shop Price Check, What's That Baby Wearing?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and We Buy Any Shoe.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What do you make of those?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What are their strengths, what are their weaknesses?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Maybe they don't have any weaknesses, so, er...hit me.- Er...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Well, I guess, the pound shop one doesn't make any sense, er...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25The baby thing - can't see that working,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and shoes...it's never going to make any money.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- HE SIGHS - Well...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Now, OK, well...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Good meeting you, James. Take care.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Do you not want to know anything about
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- my college course or anything? - No, we're done.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Kids...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Hi, Dad.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It's not a company, it's just some bloke on his own.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51He's not a perv, he's just a bit sad.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Your son does not have entrepreneurial spirit -
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I suggest you have a new child and bring him up properly.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Hello, Ethel, hello, Gladys. Oh, that's a nice cardie.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13You off to work, love?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Yeah.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16No rest for the wicked, Glad.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Should be retired at your age, Dora.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You know, I'd love to give up, but, you know...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I just can't afford it!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I mean, look at Connie over there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27She's got to be 80 if she's a day,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30and she's still working the checkout at Tesco.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Basic pension just doesn't cut it, so we've got to keep going.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Mm!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Hello?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Oh, hello, Norman.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46No, I'm on me way, yes, I had to wait a long time for a bus.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49All right, I'll be there soon, love. LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Ooh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I've got a real thirst on today.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Oh! Thank you, love!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I'd lose me head if it weren't screwed on.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Now, this is Misty. She's been with us for five years.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Does anyone know what kind of an owl Misty is?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Barn owl.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, I see you've bypassed the whole putting up your hand
0:08:14 > 0:08:15and waiting thing, but, yeah, well done.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17She is a barn owl.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Now, does anybody know who Misty's favourite
0:08:19 > 0:08:21member of One Direction is?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It's Louis. Isn't it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25SHE CHUCKLES
0:08:25 > 0:08:28She's always going on about him when we have sleepovers, aren't you?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Now, does anyone want to hold Misty?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Well, sadly you can't, because she doesn't want to be with
0:08:35 > 0:08:40any of you, only me, because our bond is very special.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43We're like sisters. Sisters who might get married one day.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Now...
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It's time to feed Misty a bit of a mouse.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Now, if I gave it to her she'd eat it,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52but if you gave it to her she wouldn't.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Because there's no trust.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'll show you. Put on the glove,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and you hold a bit of mouse out to Misty.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Now, she won't eat it because you're not very special.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Hey!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Ooh!
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Well, there's a surprise!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Hmm!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Maybe I haven't got the right owl here!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11SHE LAUGHS
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I'll check the tag. Yeah, it's the right one.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17OK. It's time to say goodbye to Misty now.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18- KIDS:- Goodbye!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You've got some explaining to do, you cold-hearted bitch!
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Ah...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27FaceTime, FaceTime...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29COMPUTER BLEEPS SHE SIGHS
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Oh!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Coo-ee, Tawoos!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33'Soraya?'
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Wow, is that your new accommodations?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Tis very shabby chic.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41'I am in a pipe. It smells of shit.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Darling, don't be a grumbler. We all have it roughty-toughty.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46'I want you to join me as soon as possible.'
0:09:46 > 0:09:49But, darling, it looks too small for two!
0:09:49 > 0:09:53'Do not worry. Next week we are moving somewhere much more roomy -
0:09:53 > 0:09:55'the main sewage duct.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57'It will need a woman's touch.'
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I don't know if I am the woman for the job.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01'You will do what I say. Tell me where you are
0:10:01 > 0:10:04'and I will send one of my men to come and collect you.'
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Uh? Er... Bad connection.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- 'Soraya!' - What, what, I'm not hearing you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09- 'I said... Soraya!'- Er...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep! - 'Soraya!'
0:10:12 > 0:10:14DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:14 > 0:10:15'Hello?'
0:10:16 > 0:10:17It's only me.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- 'Come straight up.'- Thanks, dear.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Aah!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I had a 'mare of a journey getting here
0:10:29 > 0:10:32what with one thing and another.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It was all change at the Five Ways
0:10:34 > 0:10:38because some poor bugger had come off his moped,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and it wasn't a nice crash, if you know what I mean, Norman.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Oh, but I'm here now, sweetheart.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Now, did you remember to take your little blue pill?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53If you haven't I'll be here all day.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54I did, yes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Now, are you ready for your lovely watersports?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Behold the golden flow!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I don't want watersports!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- You don't?- No, a sensual massage with a happy ending.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You what?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Yes!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Honestly, when you get to my age...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Norman...
0:11:16 > 0:11:20do you mind if I pop to your bathroom first?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22SHE SIGHS
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Ooh!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Next, please?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I'm so nervous.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Me too!- Me too.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42To be in a prime-time BBC drama would be amazing.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45What part are you going for?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Victim.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Victim.- Victim.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I get murdered.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Oh, I get raped then murdered.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I get murdered then raped.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- BOTH:- Brilliant.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Do you get any lines?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Er, no.- No, nor do I.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Oh, I get loads of lines.- Really?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02I get an "Aah,"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and then I've got an "Aargh," and then another "Aargh,"
0:12:05 > 0:12:06and at the end I get to say,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Uuuurgh."
0:12:08 > 0:12:09- BOTH:- Wow!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11You're so lucky!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Do you know what I'm nervous about?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15The whole...being naked thing.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- I get killed in the bath, so I'm naked.- Mmm.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- I'm in bed, naked.- Mmm.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I get killed walking down the road, but I'm still naked.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Not sure why.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Could happen.- Why not?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28THEY CHUCKLE
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Do you think my character would bleed a lot?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Mmm, yeah, I do.- Yeah, me too.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I don't want to bleed too much,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36because then later on I get to decompose.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You're the best decomposer.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Thanks, yeah. Yes, I think the director saw me
0:12:40 > 0:12:43decomposing in Silent Witness and that's why he's called me in.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Aah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Have you decided on your dead face?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Mmm. I thought this.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Oh, yeah, that is good, yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I was thinking of something more along the lines of, um...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Hate to break this to you girls, I'm going to need several dead faces.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00- Oh.- What do you mean?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I get killed five times.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04No way, you're so lucky!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I know - the detective can't figure out how it happened and he has
0:13:06 > 0:13:10all these different theories, and they do flashbacks of each one.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Obviously I'm naked every time.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- SHE SIGHS - I'm so jealous.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Me too!
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Well, I've been doing this a lot longer than you, you know, and...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21if you work really hard, one day, you know,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25you'll get to be killed five times, you'll get to bleed profusely,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and if you're really lucky, you might get to decompose.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Oh!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- I love acting.- Ohh!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33I know!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Mein Gott!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42These fuck me shoes are killing me!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Ohh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You are finished? This is the perfect timing, I've just got back.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I have not finished.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I've been in the room for eight hours
0:13:49 > 0:13:52trying to explain basic mathematics to Greece.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, the Dummkopfe!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Oh! Where have you been?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- I have been to the Doctor Who Experience.- Ja?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Ja! Look!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- This is me mit a Dalek.- Oh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- And this is me mit the TARDIS.- Mmm!
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- And this is me mit Davros.- Ooh, he looks a little like Putin, nein?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Ja!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12And he acts a little like Putin, too.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- I have a gift for you. - Oh, not another fridge magnet.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Ja, you are collecting them, nein?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I am collecting them because you are always giving them to me.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Here, let me retouch the make-up. - Ja.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It is all wiped away
0:14:24 > 0:14:27from all this relentless kissing of the Europeans,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah...
0:14:29 > 0:14:30What is the matter with them?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34They cannot keep away from me. It is always the same.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36But the hair is not too poofy.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And the make-up is just a nice warm flesh colour.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43It is not the hair, it is not the make-up, it is the pheromones.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48I am a strong, sexy woman, and they are weak, weak men.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Then cannot look at you
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and listen to what you are saying at the same time.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I think that you are right.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54How much longer will you be?
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Oh, I will be hours and hours of talking, talking, talking...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I think I will do the tour of Cardiff City Stadium,
0:15:02 > 0:15:03and maybe go to Burger King.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Oh, mein Gott! I wish that I could join you!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- I will buy you a fridge magnet.- Oh, no, don't get me a fridge magnet.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- But you love them! - I don't love them!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Oh, Angela, I know you love them, don't tell me you don't love them.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19We're the same age, you and I.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22You're probably going to live another hundred years,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and you'll be at this zoo when I'm long gone.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Now, I'm all right now, but we have to think of the future.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33So I've made you a book of memories.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38That's pictures of me growing up, and that's me now.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's lots and lots of pictures of me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42All right?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46You don't have to look at it now - in your own time!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50SHE SOBS Oh, don't get emotional cos you're going to set me off!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54'Dictator of Haribi Tawoos Al-Amir is still at large,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57'the Foreign Office said today, but there have been reports
0:15:57 > 0:16:02'of his wife Soraya being spotted in Bahrain, Monaco and Hounslow.'
0:16:08 > 0:16:09It is the Hairdo of Haribi!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Her husband crucified my uncle!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15He boiled my boss in oil.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17He fed my dogs to larger dogs.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Stop that woman!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Want to try a new cheese?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Mmm, delicious.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I will be back later to purchase some.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Free cheese, ladies?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46THEY SIGH
0:16:46 > 0:16:47She's given us the slip.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I cannot believe we let her get away.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Her husband was a demon.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And that monster is also on the loose, her fat little son.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57He's not fat, he's just big-boned!
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Or so they say.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Oh, let's keep looking! Keep looking!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03SHE SIGHS
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Right, I'm Dame Maggie Smith,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11and I'm recording this to demonstrate my acting range.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13If I have to play another posh old lady,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I'll be sick into the nearest Clarice Cliff tureen.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23So now I am, as they say, all about this gritty social realism.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24It's the miners' strike,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and I'm a ballet dancer in a brass band who's also gay.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Ooh, I've been biffed by a copper, how frightful!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35There you are, that should get five stars in the Guardian.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37If I'm playing a junkie, I'll go method,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I'll boil up some skag in a teaspoon,
0:17:39 > 0:17:43as long as I'm supervised with the open flame.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I don't want one of my scarves to go up, darling.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49And I can play young.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I'm a 15-year-old in a gang and this is my yard,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57is this your ends or are you from different ends?
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Oh, the latter?
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Well, I'm dreadfully sorry, but I'm going to have to shank you, fam.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05So there you are.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'll play streetwalkers, pimps and gangmasters,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11but I wish to be finished by four, and I don't work weekends.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16I... I count Friday and Monday as part of the weekend, obviously.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Wednesday is tea with my cousin Mary, Thursday's the chiropodist,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24and Tuesdays I like to visit churches,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26but apart from that I'm all yours.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29So let's make some depressing cinema.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33All right, I'm turning it off now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, it's not going off!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Well, the butt...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Have they called from Downton?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Oh, tell 'em I can't put another fucking corset on,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'll lose my mind!
0:18:47 > 0:18:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:18:50 > 0:18:51'Hello?'
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Only me!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55'Who is it?'
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- It's Dora. - 'I can't go again today, Dora.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- What?- 'I've seen you earlier.'
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Did you?- 'Yes!'- Oh...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07SHE SIGHS I've got all mixed up again.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08SHE SIGHS
0:19:09 > 0:19:11DOORBELL RINGS Ooh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Ohh...I don't suppose I could use your bathroom, could I, Norman?
0:19:14 > 0:19:15DOOR BUZZES
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Hello. I'm Margaret McDonald.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I'm the Wimbledon lineswoman Jimmy Connors proposed to
0:19:28 > 0:19:30during the fourth round in 1987.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34How different my life would have been if I'd said yes.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Today - how to handle something Jimmy did a lot when I was around.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's right -
0:19:39 > 0:19:40grunting.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Some people say it's cheating - well, I say this -
0:19:42 > 0:19:43you're damn right!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It distracts other players, annoys spectators,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and leads to the unfair sacking of possibly one of the finest
0:19:49 > 0:19:52line judges in the modern game.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Now, there's no quick fix - you just have to desensitise yourself,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00and I've prepared a grunt playlist so you can get used to the noises,
0:20:00 > 0:20:05and in no time you'll find that you are not antagonised by them at all,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and could be reinstated at any time.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10At any time.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Here's the men's playlist.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Edmund?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17MEN GRUNT
0:20:21 > 0:20:22And now, the women's.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27WOMEN GRUNT
0:20:31 > 0:20:32It's simply a matter of focus.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34GRUNTING CONTINUES
0:20:34 > 0:20:37SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:20:37 > 0:20:40SHE RANTS INCOHERENTLY
0:20:40 > 0:20:44SHE RANTS AND OBJECTS SMASH
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Hello again!- Hello!- Hi!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Are you here for the sitcom audition?- Yeah.- Oh!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- To be in a prime-time sitcom would be so amazing.- Oh, I know!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- What part are you going up for? - The nagging wife.- Nagging mum.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Slag.- Oh, that is funny.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Cos you're old but you still like sex.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yeah, and it's all I can talk about,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05how I haven't got a man and how I want a man!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- THEY LAUGH It's funny!- Brilliant.- Brilliant!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Oh...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10- Do you get any jokes?- No.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12No, no jokes.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Best to leave that to the men. - Exactly.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I get a joke.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Really?- Oh, really?- What do you say?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Oh, no, no, I don't say anything,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22but my dressing gown accidentally falls off
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and I'm in my underwear, and that's hilarious because I'm fat.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Oh! - THEY LAUGH
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, I love acting.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Mmm.- Me too.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Hello, Shanice, it's Nana.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Happy birthday, my lovely!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, are you having a terrific day?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Are you? What did your mum and dad get you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50SHE GASPS That's nice!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Now, have you thought about what you want for your birthday tea?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Well, I was thinking about a nice little bit of gammon
0:22:01 > 0:22:04with an egg on it, yes...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Well, I'm just out and about, actually.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Getting some bits and bobs.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Yes, I am using my mobile, I'm not decrepit!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18All right, well, you call me in an hour.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Our Shanice.
0:22:21 > 0:22:2313 going on 30!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Can I help you, madam?
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Do you know, I can't for the life of me remember why I've come in here.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Never get old.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Love eggs.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Ili, I know that life is tough.
0:22:47 > 0:22:53You do not have any more your helicopter or your own theme park...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Or my lion.- ..or your lion.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00But Mummy will try to make the best life for us here.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05An honest life, yes? It is not easy for Mummykins either, darling.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10I am lonely, I have no protection, no husband.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I miss the weight of a man upon me, his hot breath on my neck,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17his medals banging me in the face...
0:23:17 > 0:23:18- GUNSHOTS - Shut up, shut up!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Mummy, people at school today - they said I was fat.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Oh, those children!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It was the teacher!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29She made me see school counsellor. She gave me diet plan.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30SHE SIGHS
0:23:30 > 0:23:33This is all I can eat every day.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35No, Ili, this is all you can eat every week.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36No!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Oh, Ili, in this country, fat equals evil.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45You can be gay man, man turned lady-man, lady turned man-man,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47but no man can be fat man.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Mummy, give me sheet.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Now, you know that Mummy said that she would get you a special present
0:23:59 > 0:24:01for your first day of school for being brave boy?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02- Yes!- Yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Well, I could not bring lion, but...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I brought you this instead.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Hmm...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15SHE CHUCKLES
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Mummy, I love him!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22SHE CHUCKLES Oh, sweet dreams, Prince of Hounslow.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25As Daddy would say, good night, sleep tight...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- BOTH:- And don't let the demonstrators bite!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34How was the rest of your day?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Oh, long.- Oh, dear.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I get you a drink.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Ja, I'm afraid I lost my temper, Birgit.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Mit Greece?- Ja.- What did you say?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I said, "Once funny, twice silly, three times a smack, Greece."
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Oh, Angela. - I know, but it is so stressful!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You know, sometimes I just want to give it all up and kick back
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and become a mathematician.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55You need to relax.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Look! You are trying to get me drunk?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Perhaps. Why not?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It's the weekend!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01THEY CHUCKLE
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Do you remember the last time we were drunk?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Aah, of course.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06How could I forget?
0:25:06 > 0:25:081982.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- 1982, Germany's finest hour. - Good times.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14We achieved the highest national honour.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16The Eurovision Song Contest.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Do you still remember the words?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20They are engraved on my heart!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Then sing!- Nein!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Ja!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Ah!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Nein!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30SHE STRUMS GUITAR
0:25:30 > 0:25:34# Just like a flower when winter begins
0:25:34 > 0:25:38# Just like a candle blown out in the wind
0:25:38 > 0:25:42# Just like a bird that can no longer fly
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# I'm feeling that way sometimes... #
0:25:44 > 0:25:47She was such a young, innocent girl.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49We were all innocent back then.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# But then as I'm falling weighed down by the load
0:25:52 > 0:25:56# I picture a light at the end of the road
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# And closing my eyes I can see through the dark
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# The dream that is in my heart
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- BOTH:- # A little loving A little giving
0:26:07 > 0:26:11# To build a dream for the world we live in
0:26:11 > 0:26:15# A little patience and understanding
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# For our tomorrow A little peace... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You should sing this to those stupid European leaders.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Ja, you're right, I should.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# A little sunshine A sea of gladness
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# To wash away all the tears of sadness
0:26:31 > 0:26:35# A little hoping A little praying
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# For our tomorrow
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# A little peace... #
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Oh! I'm sorry. I try not to cry but I always cry!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# La-la-la
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# La-la-la-la... #
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Demis Roussos!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# La-la-la
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# La-la-la-la. #