0:00:02 > 0:00:04# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:06 > 0:00:07# And basically
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:20# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:33 > 0:00:34# Let's go! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:40This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Kay!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46What is it, Mother?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47They're at it again.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Oh, what, with the smoking?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, lord. It's a disgusting habit, isn't it?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I've told them, but they don't listen.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Hm, those students.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Are they still there?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00They've been there since the Silver Jubilee.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Well, they'd be postgraduates now, I should imagine, but...hm.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Well, I'll go and have another word.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'll tell them to go and do it over by the other fence.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Oh. Yes, excuse me, could you just please...?
0:01:14 > 0:01:20There's 103-year-old woman in there with a respiratory condition.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Kay!- Yes? KAY'S MOTHER GASPS FOR AIR
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Coming, Mother.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We'll try shutting the window, shall we?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Kay!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40PHONE RINGS
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Hello. Party Pieces. Carole Middleton speaking.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, hello, Pamela.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Yeah, I thought you were after some balloons.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, lunch at the club would be lovely,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56but I'm afraid I'm a bit busy today.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Yes, we've got my grandson.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02King-sitting, Michael calls it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I know, it's such a lovely age. Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09I know they could afford childcare, but we do so enjoy doing it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10They're here.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13RAPIDLY: Anyway, lovely talking. Speak soon. Got to go. Bye.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Now, did you lock the warehouse door?- Oh, God!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- It's fine - I'll do it on my way out.- Out?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yeah, I couldn't get out of it - I'm meeting a supplier.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- He's very big in bouncy castles. - SHE SIGHS
0:02:24 > 0:02:26But I'll have my phone on,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29though reception's a bit patchy on the ninth hole...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30and four through six.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Morning, sir.- Don't mind me. Just heading out.- Ah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38See you later, then, darling.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Don't curtsy to your own grandson.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Well, he always looks at me as if I should.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46We shall pick him up at six.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, actually, could you make it two? I have a hair appointment at three.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hair?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I have to attend a women and business function tomorrow, and...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Is this in connection with your party ephemera business?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Yes.- Ah.- Problem?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, it's just that I feel the Royal household
0:03:00 > 0:03:03would rather you didn't draw attention to all of that.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Oh, are they saying don't go?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, it's entirely up to you, but, yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I see.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11So, six o'clock then. 6.30 if the traffic is bad.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12- Swords!- Oh!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And His Highness would like to play swords.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Well, then, swords it shall be.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Which is treason.- What? - It's a grey area.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It's certainly best to avoid contact and to let him win.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24There are two plastic swords in his play kit -
0:03:24 > 0:03:27the sharper is his.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Oh. Erm... Anything else I need to know treasonwise?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Oh, if in doubt, just Google it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Right.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37HE SCREAMS AND GIGGLES George. George.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Don't do that. Don't do that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh! There we go. Try not to do that. Try not to do that.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh! George, George.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49We'll do whatever you like.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Warehouse!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53No, no, you can't go into the warehouse.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- No, do you want to do a puzzle?- No.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Do you want to do some colouring, then?- No! Door!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Look, we can't go to the warehouse - not after the last time.- Peasants!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Where did you learn that word?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Grandpa.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08HE THUMPS ON DOOR No, no, no! Not that door!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Yep.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's five minutes past - that's two of us losing revenue.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Caffe Nero open on time,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25and they've offered me a window seat.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28That's on now?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Right, good morning to you. I am Dame Maggie Smith.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34I'm just recording a tape-ette to demonstrate my range
0:04:34 > 0:04:39to wit my suitability for one of those films full of roaring cars.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41There's the Australian one,
0:04:41 > 0:04:45erm, Peevish Max, Very Much Miffed Max, and...
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Well, it's one of those two.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And there's The Fast And The, erm...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Oh, what is it? It's another word that means...high dudgeon. Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I have a driving licence.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57It's clean,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00except for the double parking incident in Camden,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03but talk to Alan Bennett if you wish to know whose fault that was.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06So, let's be off.
0:05:06 > 0:05:13We do mirror, signal, manoeuvre, and...holy shit-ola!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Someone's on my tail. I'm in a car chase.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Oh, I'm really, I'm really, really flooring it now, as they say.
0:05:20 > 0:05:2328mph - only two under the limit.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Get off my car, you ruffian!
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Bang, bang, bang, bang.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28That was me. That's me shooting one of the feds...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31or someone trying to sell me flowers at the lights.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33So, there we are.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I'm eminently castable
0:05:35 > 0:05:39for any muscle car franchise you wish to reboot.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40And just a couple of things -
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I don't like changing lanes or turning right at junctions,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48but I can jump from one moving car to another while firing a crossbow.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53It's just one of the things you pick up in rep, darling.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, Jose, somebody left a fiver underneath that saucer.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03HE SNIGGERS I'm just kidding.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Sorry, mate. Love the bants.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You know when I first transitioned into being my own boss -
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and that was very much my move, by the way -
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I thought I'd miss the whole office thing, you know?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13The guys, the teasing,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17what was incorrectly called bullying at the tribunal before I left,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19but this is just as good.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Except nobody wants to buy your apps.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Well, if that was banter, that's not how you do it. No...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Er, go round the lead, love. Go round the lead. Yep.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31You want to break through a tape, run a marathon!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Controversial feminist MP Sally Preston
0:06:35 > 0:06:37joined forces with the opposition today
0:06:37 > 0:06:39in a surprise move.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41The Fem Fight independent was appointed
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Shadow Minister for Youth and the Community.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45BIG BEN RINGS
0:06:45 > 0:06:48OK, so that's my schedule for today.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Darren will be my liaison on all local issues through Pippa's office,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and if there are any press requests, they should just go directly to Jen.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Any questions?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Any not about the tits thing?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Look, we've been through this.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05To cover them up suggests an inherent shame in possessing them.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08We have to take the tit out of titillation.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11They're just a bit...distracting.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Because of the ingrained patriarchal values of your mucky magazines?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19No, they just move a lot. It's like being waved at.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Well, just pretend they're not there.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- As though they're covered up. - Yes. I mean, no. I mean...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Just acknowledge they're there and then forget about them
0:07:26 > 0:07:31whilst always being aware that they're there...without staring.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33OK? Now, what are the papers saying?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36So, we've got Storm In A D-cup,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Breast Of Luck,
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Little City's Big Titties
0:07:40 > 0:07:44and Big Boob Sal Gets All Members Standing,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46and that was in The Guardian.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Jesus Christ. They're bloody animals.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Is there anything we can do about this?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Not that.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, Hal, look at this face.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Look at the little British cheeks, they're red like apples.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- Oh, it could be Mr Pickwick. - Like something from Dickens.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Hal, you have any pocket change?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, which one do I give him?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19One of these? These are incredible. Like a pentagram.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Pentagram, hexagon, dodecahedron -
0:08:22 > 0:08:27everyone individually crafted, classic British design.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28And look at these.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31In the States, all our notes are just green,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35but here, oh, they're soft, autumnal colours,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38like a moor, like Dartmoor.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41You've got your purples, you've got your browns.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And on every one, this incredible senior.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Mm-hm.- She's quite a gal.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47In America, if they put an older woman on a note,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49who would it be? Meryl Streep?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yeah. Caitlyn Jenner.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Here you are, my good man.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Take this dodecahedron and buy your hound some roast beef.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh, yes, Pamela, you definitely worry more -
0:09:04 > 0:09:07they're not your own. Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh, George, what are you doing with your sandwich? Uh-oh.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Pamela, I've got to go.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16George. No, no, no, no, ham doesn't go in the DVD player,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and phones don't go down toilets
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- and cats don't go into dishwashers, do they?- Yes!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Oh, well, we're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Warehouse!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28No, George, I told you we can't go in the warehouse.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Open door.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34All right, we'll open the door, but only if we're quick, all right?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Warehouse!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37OK, well, but just for a minute, OK?
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Now, no touching the toys, but I know you like it in here.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Just let me put you down here so I can get the crown.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You see, George? I'm a shiny crown now.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58SHE GASPS George! Er, George, George, George.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01No, no, no. That's old hen party stock.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Don't tell Mummy and Daddy we still have that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05MUSIC: Sex Bomb by Tom Jones
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Don't... Don't climb up there.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11No, George. George, George, don't open that box.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13HE SCREAMS Look, George...
0:10:16 > 0:10:17No, no, no, no.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19No, George. No.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21George, listen to me, listen, listen.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Oh! PARTY HORN WHISTLES
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Hello, I'm Cynthia from Guyana Zoological Park.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33And this must be the squirrel monkey.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Yes, you know, she's off to be mated.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I've explained what happens
0:10:37 > 0:10:41when two squirrel monkeys love each other very, very much.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Well, all the paperwork seems to be in order.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I will take the animal from here.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49One, the animal has a name - it's Elsa,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51cos she loves Frozen.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And two, I think that Elsa and I would like to know
0:10:54 > 0:10:55a little bit more about her new...
0:10:55 > 0:10:56WHISPERS: ..boyfriend.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01The male has no genetic abnormalities.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Yeah, but...is he gentle?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Is he the sort of monkey that will hold her afterwards?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12I'm sure it will be a very beautiful experience for them both.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Did you hear what the lady said there, Elsa? Yeah?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18She understands everything I say.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Sometimes I dress the squirrel monkeys in baby clothes,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but they're so little that you have to get the ones for prematures.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I need to leave for the airport.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Right, this nice lady's going to take you now.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Remember what I told you about technique, all right?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Don't let your new fella do anything to you that you don't want to do.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40All right, you respect yourself and he will respect you.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You know, you don't have to go through with this -
0:11:43 > 0:11:45you just say the word. No-one's going to think the worse of you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49You've been everything to me
0:11:49 > 0:11:52since I moved those pygmy hippos to Whipsnade.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01SOBBING: Just go. Just go before I embarrass myself. Go, go.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07He'll never love you like I love you!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well, fine! Just go, then, slut!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So, Sally, it's your first day
0:12:17 > 0:12:20as Shadow Minister for Youth and Communities.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You've got a lot of support from young people.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I just wondered why do you think that is?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Well, I think an increasing number of young people
0:12:27 > 0:12:28are politically engaged,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and they appreciated the conviction of my stance
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and they realised that I could bring that resolve
0:12:34 > 0:12:37to a wide range of important political issues.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Absolutely, yeah. Those are fair points.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Er... So, er, Sally Preston, our newly elected feminist MP
0:12:46 > 0:12:48is with us for the next half-hour,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51so stay tuned to 97-99 FM
0:12:51 > 0:12:55or you can, of course, watch us online via our webcam.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Right, er, there's some texts coming in just now.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Mos from Fife says they're watching this in the common room
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- and they've just bunked off history...- Oh!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08..and Jake from Hull says he's just had a...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oh! Can't say that.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yes, well, I'm going to be in New York that week,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18but why don't we try to have lunch at The Ivy the week after?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Er, darling, I have to go.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I'll call you back.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oi! Oi! What do you think you're doing?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Right, you're going to pay for that. - Oh... Oh...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- You're Judi Dench.- The very same.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Actually, it's Dame Judi Dench.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Right. God, I'm so embarrassed.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I thought you were keying my car, but you couldn't have been.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Oh, no, of course not. I'm a national treasure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Can I get a photo?- Yes. How charming. Shall we?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58You didn't see who did do it, did you?
0:13:58 > 0:14:03No, I'm afraid I didn't, but it definitely wasn't me,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05even though I could probably get away with that,
0:14:05 > 0:14:06being a national treasure,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10but it's not like I go around setting fire to skips
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- or throwing cats into the sea just because I can.- No.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16My wife is not going to believe this.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Shakespeare In Love - one of her favourite films.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19CHUCKLING: Oh, that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Yes, I got the Oscar, and it was only eight minutes of screen time.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I felt rather sorry for the other actors.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Oh, man, this is going to cost me a fortune.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Yes, yes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Well, such a pleasure to meet you.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Oh, yeah, likewise.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40SHE WHISTLES
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Oh! Sh... What?! Who's done that?!
0:14:49 > 0:14:54These are meerkats. Who loves meerkats?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, that's cos you've seen them on the telly.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Well, some of us have always loved meerkats,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and they know that, don't you?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Yeah. Don't worry, they'll be gone soon.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Any guesses as to who this might be?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Taylor Swift.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Er, it's Anne of Cleves, wife number...?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Six?- Three?- Two?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Four, that's right.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24But Anne lived in Germany,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27so Henry decided to do something new,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30and because a friend told him he had nothing to lose,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32he signed up...
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Er, he signed up Hans Holbein, a renowned artist of the age,
0:15:36 > 0:15:40who went to Germany to paint a portrait of Anne
0:15:40 > 0:15:45on which he could judge her potential as a companion.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Well, nothing to be embarrassed about.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You know, he's a busy man with a demanding job, running a company.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Certainly, the description that accompanied the picture
0:15:53 > 0:15:57was, I think, a fair reflection of what you'd be getting.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You know, the middling beauty,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02it said, "Very short and resolute countenance."
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Certainly she liked the pictures of him.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06You know, he seemed very nice,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10so it only remained to see if he would like her back,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and from the picture, it seemed he did.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16SHE SIGHS And then they met.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Hm. Something of a mistake in hindsight.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Apparently, she was not what he was expecting.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28The picture did not, in his opinion, fully represent the reality,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31despite being relatively recent and taken in natural light,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33unlike most of his!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Suffice to say the union was not consummated,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39which I think you can only take as an insult,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41no matter how tired he is.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43But he's Head of Church and State, isn't he?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I mean, he's God's gift to women!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Well, good luck with finding another Jane Seymour,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50you fat, grey, boss-eyed heap of...!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Shh!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, yes, quite right.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Yes, let's not obsess over one little...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Er, there's so many more to discover on our tour,
0:16:59 > 0:17:00so let's all just...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03..keep looking.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Keep looking.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- WOMEN:- News not boobs! News not boobs!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yeah, but surely we are on the same side.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Absolutely, which is great, it's just that, erm...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Wahey!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25..to the untrained eye, it's confusing.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Just to have your name on the petition would be plenty, really.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31OK, OK. Would you like a photo with me signing the...?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34No, no, I think the signature does it, to be honest.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35OK. There you are.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Well, good luck with it all.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Are they...?- Erm...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46One is a bit, but there's Vaseline in the car.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Thanks. So, where to next?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, I'm afraid the mosque have cancelled.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh. Did they say why?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Well, just straight to the primary school, then.- Erm...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Do we have anything? - Well, The Sun called again.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04The answer is still no.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Sorry. Very, very sorry.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So sorry, so sorry.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It was the traffic. SHE CATCHES BREATH
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We are gathered here today
0:18:21 > 0:18:25to say goodbye to, er, er...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Angela
0:18:27 > 0:18:28and to reflect on her life
0:18:28 > 0:18:31as we recall the many wonderful traits and achievements
0:18:31 > 0:18:38that made Angela...Hewitt such a special and unique person.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Angela's work as head of molecular research
0:18:43 > 0:18:45at the University of South Dako...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Not that one. Er...
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Angela was a popular person with a great many friends -
0:18:56 > 0:19:00536 to be precise -
0:19:00 > 0:19:02and when it came to relationships,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05it was complicated for Angela.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08But still she loved to entertain,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11often regaling her friends with pithy anecdotes
0:19:11 > 0:19:14about her journey to work, the weather in the garden
0:19:14 > 0:19:18and how much she was looking forward to wine o'clock.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Although she was also, of course, a great lover of food,
0:19:24 > 0:19:29keeping an exhaustive visual record of favourite meals.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I'm sure we can all hear her voice now,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36stating, as only she could, "Nom, nom, nom."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40But Angela also had a serious side.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Wars, to Angela's mind, were generally a bad thing,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47as was...Kim Kardashian's new hair,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51opinions she would freely share with her beloved Twitter.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Yes, she had only 12 followers,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57but let us not forget, so did Jesus.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03So, please join me now as we celebrate Angela's life
0:20:03 > 0:20:06by singing together her favourite...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11One of her top ten songs of last year.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY
0:20:20 > 0:20:22# Oppa Gangnam Style
0:20:24 > 0:20:26# Oppa Gangnam Style... #
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Come on.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- ALL:- # Oppa Gangnam Style... #
0:20:30 > 0:20:33# Hey, sexy lady
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# Oppa Gangnam Style... #
0:20:37 > 0:20:40SHE SIGHS AND YAWNS
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Well, Jesus...just one more of these.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Mm. Ooh, that's strong.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Oh, he's asleep.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56My little heir to the throne.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59He's so lovely when he's asleep. DOOR OPENS
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Christ. What do you think you're doing?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I told you not to let him in here.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05But he asked.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08If you keep giving in to him, he'll end up spoilt.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Of course he's going to be spoilt - he's in the fucking Royal family.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Have you been drinking?- No.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Maybe...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Just a couple of willies.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Oh, so what do you think it was?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Hard to tell.- Hm.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Some kind of cage for an av-iary.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- This was a Victorian fairground.- Oh.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37This is like Coney Island - it's all that's left of it.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, that's right.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh, it's so charmingly British.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Like a British version of the Cyclone, right?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- This was the Wall of Death. - The Wall of Death.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It was lined with planks, huge wooden planks,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and steam trains would go round and round going higher and higher.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I can see the women pressed against the walls
0:21:56 > 0:21:59with their crinolines against the ironwork.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Faster and faster. - A marvel of the Steam Age.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Designed by I-sambard Kingdom Brunel.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13British ingenuity at its best. Well, it's a wonderful thing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Brunel, he designed the log flume too - I'm pretty sure.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Or was at Robert Louis Stevenson?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Er, yeah, I can see you again, Tryg. I can see you again.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I've got you right there, and, Tryg, Tryg, as I explained,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27it is a revolutionary business model,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31and designers will be paid, but in experience and savvy.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32We're closing now.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'm talking to Norway, talking to...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36We're closed, sir.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40All right. Well, pass on Sky Nosh if you want to, Tryg,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43but when somebody else is delivering Cornish pasties by drone,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46you know, you're going to regret it, yeah?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And don't turn off the Wi-Fi - I'm still on the call.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51HE SIGHS
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yeah, just to remind you,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57it is called a service industry you're in.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Er, everything all right? - Yeah, absolutely.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Hello, sexy.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Ignore her.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Hi, your Royal George-geousness.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17So, we won't be seeing him next week because it's Granny Camilla's turn.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Well, actually, the Duchess is in Papua New Guinea
0:23:19 > 0:23:21next week and the week after,
0:23:21 > 0:23:22and then there's a Highland games
0:23:22 > 0:23:25and then the Duchy original jam tasting, so...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Of course there is.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Sex bomb! Sex bomb!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Where did you learn that, Your Highness?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Don't curtsy.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Come all ye, all ye with e-tickets
0:23:42 > 0:23:48for a historical tour of murder and horror does begin.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Halt! I hear cries from the past
0:23:51 > 0:23:53for it was on this very corner,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56one Molly McRae, a lady of the night,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58a whore, if you will,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01was brutally slain.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03The year was 2013.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08They found her in three different plastic bags round the back of Lidl.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13Now, come on, fellow travellers, lest the ghouls pursue us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Oo-ooh!- Ooh, who is this?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19My name is Romana. I am from Hungary.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20I was barista,
0:24:20 > 0:24:25but in 2014 my boyfriend strangled me outside that pub
0:24:25 > 0:24:27after he said I'd been sleeping with his mate,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31although I hadn't, as the inquest proved.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Return to the spirit world, Romana!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- May you find peace there. - Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Erm, excuse me, that's really horrible.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Well, it's a murder horror tour.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44But we thought it would be about past stuff.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Well, it is in the past. - More in the past.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Well, so, if someone's throat was slashed 100 years ago,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50that's entertainment,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52but if they were slowly garrotted yesterday
0:24:52 > 0:24:54behind Waverley Station bowling alley, then that's bad, is it?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, yeah.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59We just wanted a nice, normal death and horror tour.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Well, there's no refunds, pal.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, I'm going to give you a really bad review on TripAdvisor.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well, I can write ten good ones for every one of your bad ones.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09THEY LAUGH IN DISBELIEF
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Well, OK.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12My apologies to everybody.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17There are some souls that do not want to hear about the dark side.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Now, where were we?
0:25:18 > 0:25:24Let us move on to the site of the great Pizza Hut mass maiming!
0:25:27 > 0:25:28I'm home!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- MAN:- 'Hi! How was it?'
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, you know.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Mummy, I'm a princess.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37No, you're going to be an astronaut, like we discussed.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Now, would you be a darling and go and get Mummy's bra?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44My tits are killing me.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48WATER EMPTIES INTO PLUGHOLE
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Hal? Did you hear that sound?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Huh?- Did you hear that?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57It is just such a distinctly British sound.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Like a babbling brook.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01The flow is gentler here, I find.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- A babbling brook? - A babbling brook - exactly.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Wordsworth might have written about that sound.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Not like back home where the flow is ferocious by comparison.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I find this more preferable - it's relaxing.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Like the flush - I like how you have to try twice.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Like the Queen launching a ship -
0:26:20 > 0:26:23that first swing of the bottle doesn't always work,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25but the second one, you bet ya.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Yeah. Well, once is enough for the locals.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It's the diet, you see.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Nothing heavier than a scone.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33It's sc-on.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36No, it's either. I asked at reception.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39They're so polite. They make it so you can't be wrong.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Aw.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And the shower - so gentle.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I mean, why get yourself wet all at once?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You know, what's the rush?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Yeah, while we stand there under a jet like a fire hydrant.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Huh, it's no wonder we're shrinking.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Well, the Queen...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, I mean, she looks bigger now than she did on the stamps -
0:26:57 > 0:26:58what does that tell you?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Do you think we could make our shower English?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Sure.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I'll just break it a little.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09You're so smart!