0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:06# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:06 > 0:00:07# Then I grew up and did it again And basically,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# And I'll do it to the bitter end
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:20# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Tra-acey Ullman's Show
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:33 > 0:00:34# Let's go! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I am made up to be here today.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41To stand before you and pass on me pearls.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Me! Pam Garrity!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Merseyside And North Cheshire's Businesswoman Of The Year
0:00:46 > 0:00:49for five years on the trot, says this:
0:00:50 > 0:00:54When I got pregnant at the age of 16 by that bastard
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Tony Kelly from the Star And Garter,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59did I let it define me?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Did I let it ruin my life? No.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06I started 38 and a half different businesses - every one a hit!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10There's me haulage company, Pam's Vans.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13There's me vintage furniture shops, Pam's-tiques.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17There's me pastry-based snack emporium, Pam's Pies.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And, of course, me Christmas decorations business,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Pa-Rappa-Pam-Pam.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25And I didn't have to go down to London
0:01:25 > 0:01:27to become a multimillionaire, no!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I stayed up here, a girl of me word.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Cut me and I bleed the North.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I bleed Liverpool.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I AM Liverpool.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41I am anything higher up on the map than Birmingham!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Don't let anyone tell you
0:01:42 > 0:01:46that you have to go down south to be a success.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I am a northern powerhouse. What am I?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- A northern powerhouse!- Cheers, kid.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Those braces aren't a setback, by the way.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The secret to my success is one word -
0:01:58 > 0:01:59people.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I like people.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02I am people.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Cut me and what do I bleed?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Liverpool!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And people. Yeah.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Thanks very much.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ta-ra. Ta-ra.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, you were an inspiration in there.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I am going to get you the national - no,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23the global recognition that you deserve!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Yeah, global!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I want to be Pam-oramic.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I'm glad I took you on, Elaine.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I got loads of applications from all those PR gobshites in London,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- but do you know why I chose you? - Because I'm the best!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Because you're from Leeds.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Now, come on, I want you to meet some of my people.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Hello, I'm Dame Maggie, and I'm recording a short
0:02:46 > 0:02:48presentation for all the wonderful directors -
0:02:48 > 0:02:52and the substandard ones, of which there are a number.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57I wish to show you I can play above and beyond "posh old lady".
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You know, it's called range.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Here are some of my other voices.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Number one:
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- STILL VERY POSH:- Are you breaking my balls, you wiseguy?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Tommy wants his money. Go down in the 10th, capiche?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14That hard-boiled Italian gangster was, in fact, me.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Voice number two:
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- SAME VOICE:- Get a point in for the lads, so it is.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's a "point".
0:03:22 > 0:03:24There you are, you see, it's Irish.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Loike a native.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Voice three:
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- SAME VOICE:- Beep, beep, boop, boop, beep, Master Luke.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Beep-de-beep!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That was my droid.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I can do many other voices, including Cotswolds and Chilterns.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I look forward to hearing from you, mon.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46There, there, I was giving you my Jamaican.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Or was that Scottish?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It could be both, you see, because Maggie's on fire!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Ah, that's good!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Thanks, Josie.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Now, go on, Elaine, you have a go. Come on!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31On me, you're going to love it!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's a new kind of filler called Pam-plify.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34I love it here.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I love beauty. Cut me and I bleed beauty. TEXT MESSAGE
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Oh, look at this.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43They want you to be Mayor of Southport.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Oh, no frigging way -
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'm not going to be mayor of anywhere with "south" in the title!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I'm a northern powerhouse!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I can't have the S word on me business cards.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53PAINED SQUEAKS
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Elaine, stop screaming, stop screaming.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You're frightening everybody, hold onto me hand.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07PHONE PLAYS LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC
0:05:29 > 0:05:31MUSIC STOPS
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Right, off.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36But, this isn't my yard. I mean, my bus stop.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I don't care, get off the...
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Hang on.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You aren't her, are you?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44If you mean, am I Dame Judi Dench, then, do you know what?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45I believe I am.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49You were amazing as Queen Victoria in, erm, Mrs Brown!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Oh, dear Billy Connolly carried that film.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I just rode a horse now and then.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58When you're playing a real character,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00you just try to find the truth.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04And who cares of it goes on to make over 30 million in 20 territories?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I'm sorry, I've had people complaining,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10but it can't have been about you. You're a national treasure.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I am!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I wouldn't ride the 94 bus every day, terrorising passengers
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and flashing my tits at the security cameras
0:06:18 > 0:06:21just because I could get away with it.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Nah, didn't think you would.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Would you like some of my M&Ms?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- I can't seem to handle the sugar these days.- Oh, thank you.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39DUBSTEP RESUMES
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Don't even go there.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Well, you've seen the grounds.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Are there any questions you'd like to ask about the school?
0:06:56 > 0:06:57No, it all looks very impressive.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You have wonderful facilities, Mrs Hetherington.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, do call me Diana, I don't like to be formal.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I'm a bit of a mother figure here.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09A bosom to rest a weepy head on when somebody's missing home.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10So, you're from Korea?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yes, my company is based in Seoul.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16We have had quite a few boys from your part of the world.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I remember a young Kim Jong-un, quite a character.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yes, he would come back from the half hols with what
0:07:22 > 0:07:25we would call Pyongyang brain.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28He'd be screaming orders at the other boys in the prep room and
0:07:28 > 0:07:31striking them across the soles of their feet with his lacrosse stick.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But he'd calm down eventually and come to me
0:07:34 > 0:07:36for some beans on toast and a bit of a cuddle!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Kyung-woo doesn't like toast or beans.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh, well, not to worry.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Cook is very good at catering to our overseas students.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45She bought a wok in Dorchester,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and she's turning our old fountain into a shrimp farm.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51EXPLOSION Oh! Get down! Down!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE Just stay down.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Oh, it's a false alarm!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It's just Mr Sampson firing up the lawnmower.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Oh, I thought the Gaddafi boys had returned.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05They were so angry when they didn't make the first XI.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07They were charging around with their automatic rifles
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and their battery-powered kitchen knives.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Mr Sampson, don't mow there!
0:08:14 > 0:08:19We've got four oligarchs' choppers landing there this afternoon.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The last time the Russians were here,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23they did rather churn up the playing fields.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25And then Mr Slack, our groundsman, complained.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29We had to bury him in a lead-lined coffin.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Some isotope or other, dropped in his cocoa.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36If you'd like to follow, I'll show you the Tony Blair Library.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Tony Blair?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I know. We lost our charitable status last year,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44so we can't afford to be too fussy about our friends.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I've just taking Elaine here to my beauty salon, Pam-per.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54You can't tell, can you?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56No, she's good, Josie.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59She's got a very steady hand, and that's what you need, Carly,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01isn't it? Oh, no, you're one of the lucky ones!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Because of your hyperactive thyroid, you don't wrinkle.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I envy our Carly, I really do, Elaine. Because fat don't crack.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11How is Glam Pam?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14God, I love this business! What do I love, Carl?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15This business.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Cut me and I bleed frocks.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Now, show us the latest on the website, girls.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Basically, Beyonce was wearing this frock on the red carpet
0:09:23 > 0:09:2519 minutes ago, and already we've got two girls
0:09:25 > 0:09:27walking around the Arndale Centre in a copy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Yous lot are good, aren't they good?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32But we need to cut down on these times.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I want these copycat frocks online
0:09:34 > 0:09:37before the celebrity has even got out the limo.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Do you get me?- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Do you want one of these, Elaine?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, come on, I reckon you're Beyonce's size, don't you, Carly?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Go on! Go on, Elaine, go on!
0:09:48 > 0:09:52We're branching out into gastric bands in 2017. Pam's Bands.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Now, I'm not saying that you need it or anything,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58but I'd love you to have one, on me, any colour.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- You wouldn't see the colour. - No, but you'd know.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Ey, you want me to give you a hand there?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07This is our rabbit, and she's called Megan.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Does anybody want to stroke Megan?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Are you sure?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16What if she jumps on your face and chews it off and sucks the juice
0:10:16 > 0:10:20out of your eyes and then crunches your little bones with her paws?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Not that rabbits do that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Oh-oh, I don't think she wants to cuddle you now, Megan.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Never mind.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I'm going to have to do it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35No, I'm sending it back to Bratislava.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38What good is it to me if it's eating behind my back?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Givenchy said it looked really well,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and we all know what that means. Mmm.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, shut the front door!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Tatiana, I'll call you right back.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Gypsy skirt!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Oi! Gypsy skirt!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Gypsy skirt!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, my God, look at you! Look at you!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00My God, you are gorgeous. Let me take a picture.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Let me take a picture! - What you doing?!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, relax, I'm from Isis.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07The model agency! The goddess of beauty!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Stop that girl! Stop that girl!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10She stole my phone!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Oi!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13I haven't nicked anything.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Steph Moore, I represented Charlize Theron
0:11:16 > 0:11:17before the restraining order.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You see, there's no need to be...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Wait a minute.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22- How tall are you?- Eh?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27How dare you?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I'm looking for girls that are 5'8" plus, and you've got to be...?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- 5'1".- 5'1".
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oh, I threw away two slices of cucumber for you, bitch!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Ooh, you've got loads of tension in there.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52You must be really worried about something.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Something really quite terrible.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00So, whatever we've brought into the room,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03let's just put it to one side
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and just take the coupon.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The...coupon of relaxation.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Try to imagine a board.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Write your problems on that board,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and then just rub it out.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What was that?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Erm...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I just dropped a warm towel on your back.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Warm, moist towel.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39And I'm going to rub it all over your back.
0:12:39 > 0:12:45There are notes of oregano and pineapple in it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Which are essential.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51As is ham.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Here we are.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Now, gather round, gather round, everyone.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Here we are finally in the throne room.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It is at the end of the processional arrangement of rooms,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11meaning that you have to go through an awful lot of rather unimpressive
0:13:11 > 0:13:15ones to get to this point, but I think it's worth it in the end.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Sometimes, the best things really do come to those who wait.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And it's brighter, isn't it, then the other rooms?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28I've never really noticed that before.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Not great for the tapestries, but then, hey,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33there's more to life than textiles, isn't there?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Like walks on the beach, and picnics in the park,
0:13:37 > 0:13:38and lazy mornings in bed.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40And, oh!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Just look at those roses!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- And is that Anne, there? - Oh, no, no, no.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48This is Catherine Parr, that is Henry VIII's sixth and,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'm glad to say, final wife.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52She'd been married before, but then, so was he.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57And that means she has experience, which I think counts for a lot.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Not least in the bedroom, because, you know, these 25-year-olds,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04they might have the all the right lumps and bumps,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06but they don't know what they're doing, do they?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09TEXT MESSAGE Oh, I do apologise!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I shouldn't really have this on. Dear me.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22So what happened to Catherine after he died?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25What happened?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Oh. She got back with the ex.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Oh. Well, good for her.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- What?- Erm...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34As a widow, I mean, moving on.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36That's not moving on!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That's going back.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39That's going back!
0:14:43 > 0:14:44So...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Which way do we go from here?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Oh...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I've no idea.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Hello, I'm line judge Margaret MacDonald.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You may remember me from the 1996 Wimbledon quarter-finals,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04when a Jana Novotna serve bounced up my skirt.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05SIGHS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Today, I'm going to show you how not to crumble
0:15:07 > 0:15:09when hit by a high-speed serve.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And my son, Edmund, is going to help.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15The most important thing by far is not to burst into tears,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18even it does get you a hug from Stefan Edberg
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and your photo in all the newspapers.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Helen Chalmers.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You have two choices - one, pretend it didn't happen.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Two, enjoy it and be energised.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31And, three, maybe share the joke with the crowd.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Are you ready, Edmund?- The surgeon said you shouldn't do this any more.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Are you ready, Edmund?- Fine.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Ow!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42So, big smile, wave at the crowd.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Maybe a little joke.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's all right, I've had my children!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Ah, right. It shouldn't matter...
0:15:50 > 0:15:51how many times it happens...!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Two, maybe three...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55four times...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57And... Ow!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And... Ouch!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Right, and there you have it,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03everything you need to become a Wimbledon line...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Argh! ..judge.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And truly live the dream.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Stop now, Edmund! Stop, you little bastard!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Edmund! Edmund! Edmund!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Well.- What is it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25They want you to be the new Dragon on Dragons' Den.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I'd weep tears of joy, Lainey, but I'm hard as nails, me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Cut me and nails is what I bleed, do you get me?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- There's one slight problem. - What is it?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Hit me, right between the eyes, I can take it.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Is it Deborah Meaden, is she jealous of me success?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Well, leave it with me, I'll butter her up.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Tell her I loved her in Strictly Come Dancing -
0:16:43 > 0:16:45lying bitch that I am!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Every time she high kicked in the Argentinian tango, I vommed!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51They're filming the new series in Bristol.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52- Where?- Bristol.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Where's that?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Well...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Don't do this to me, Lainey.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It's down south.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Tell them to bring it 200 miles up the M1,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07or this bitch ain't playing ball.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Haven't they ever heard of Media City?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Tonya.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19You've heard of the book Lean In: Women, Work And The Will To Lead?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Well, I've written one - it's called
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Straighten Your Back, Love, And Stand The Fuck Up.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Look at this, fitness!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's a global opportunity, you know what I mean, Elaine?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I want to crack the Chinese market.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I love China, but it's got to be North China.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Cut me and I bleed... Erm...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Google the name of a city in Northern China.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Beijing.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Cut me and I bleed Beijing, babe.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Come on, get your kit on,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48there's a Pam Slam boxing class in ten minutes.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Let's go.- Pam... - Come on.- Please...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Got to get that bum tighter. Tight, tight, tight!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Got to be dead tight.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00- FROM LAPTOP:- 'I don't like it, Dom,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02'it doesn't shout, "add to basket" to me.'
0:18:02 > 0:18:03That one as well?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Right, really, Dmitri, you know, thanks for your honest feedback.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It helps me learn,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and I've learned something on all three projects you've just turned down.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Are you sure there's nothing in Find My Washing Machine?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- 'Doesn't click with our vision.' - Nope? OK.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Well, I shall just regroup with myself and let...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23He's lost his connection, so...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Well.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That was good.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Better off without him.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Got no overheads, because I work here.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31And soon I won't have the flat,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33so there'll be even less overheads,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and, well, you don't really need anywhere to sleep, do you?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40It's a 24-hour society. I'll just go from coffee bar to coffee bar.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41It's...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's all... It's all great.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- What's this?- You have been coming here for one year today.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56This is your anniversary panini. It's on us.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Tuna melt. That's my favourite.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Cake would make more sense?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Cake does not have best before date of today, so...- Oh.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I know you think I'm a successful businessman and a role model,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16but it's been a very difficult year.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20And this has been the nicest thing that anyone's done from me in ages.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Next year will be different.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Someone will buy your paradigm-changing mobile platforms.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I know I don't always drop a tip in that paper cup.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You never put a tip in the paper cup.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33But I just want to say thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Because, you know, I've learned something.
0:19:37 > 0:19:3945-year-old white men
0:19:39 > 0:19:42are the most discriminated-against group on the planet.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Still, could be worse,
0:19:44 > 0:19:49could be working a dead-end job in a coffee shop or something!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51We closed now.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Aw!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Come on, bants between buds?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Now.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Nobody needs to find their washing machine. It is in kitchen.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Well, tell me that 12 months ago!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Tatiana, it was stunning. It was so beautiful.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I said to it, you're amazing,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and it was like, "But I'm already signed!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:13And it was already signed. Yeah. To Cyclone!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16That's what I said to it! Yeah.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Any word from Burberry?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Oh, bollocks.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Yeah, well, what about Svetlana? She's quite alien-y?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I've got to go, I'll call you back.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Oi! Ginger!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You're just what Burberry's looking for!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31I'm from Isis!
0:20:31 > 0:20:32SCREAMS
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, for God's sake, it's a model agency!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37She was the goddess of beauty!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Oh, come back, you stupid thing!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Give me that. Give - give me! Give me that! Give me that!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Look, you've got a really editorial face!
0:20:47 > 0:20:48What are you doing?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- What you wearing those for, so ridiculous.- You're scaring me!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Who said fashion was easy?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Oh.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Actually, your face is rather dull.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Good proportions, but nothing that says, "billboard".
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Leave me alone!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Argh!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Oh, God, are you all right?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06My tooth's come out! My tooth!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Really?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10How big's the gap?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Smile.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, God, baby!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Get ready to make millions!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Let me Polaroid you, let me Polaroid you!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Tatiana! Call Burberry, I've found one.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Yeah, I'll have couriered over, a small bike should do it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Shit, where did it go? Where did it go?!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Where is it?! Where is it?!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39HUMMING A TUNE
0:21:39 > 0:21:41What's wrong with your mouth?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44It's lipstick, Mummy, I'm going out, aren't I?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Going to the theatre, remember?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Going to see Aspects Of Love with my Michael Ball.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52There, dinner's in the blender,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55and I've left your pills in size order.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Your fibre drink's in the fridge.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I've gone for butterscotch, but she can pop a banana in there
0:22:00 > 0:22:02if you think you can handle it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03She?!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Oh, not her again?
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Oh, no, that Eastern European carer won't come any more.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Not after the last time.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14All that stuff you said about ethnic cleansing.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17You can be very forthright, Mummy.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No, Adelaide's coming.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23You know, your friend Elspeth's little girl?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Well, I say little.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27She's ten years older than me!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30You know, the one that didn't get married?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Ooh, I'm ever so excited.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34The last time I went out on my own,
0:22:34 > 0:22:39you had to sign the consent form for the school trip to Whipsnade.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And I got that picture with the black rhinoceros.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43It's extinct now.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47That's me done.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Have you got a 10p for the phone?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh, I won't be able to call you, Mummy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Not during the show.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, fine.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58We'll just see if I'm still alive when you get back.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02You've got a very vivid imagination, Mother. Very vivid.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's five-to, where can she be?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11PHONE RINGS
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Kentham 3340?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yes?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, no!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oh, I'm so sorry!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Yes, well, thank you for letting us know.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Adelaide won't be coming over, Mother.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34A neighbour found her in the hallway...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Old age, apparently.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Well.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I'd best blend those faggots.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Perhaps later we can watch Les Miserables.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Songbirds!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Again?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, you know best, Mummy.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00I love people.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Have I told you, Elaine? Cut me and I bleed people. TEXT MESSAGE
0:24:04 > 0:24:06What's that?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Do you want the good news or the bad news?- The bad news, hit me.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Dragons' Den won't budge.- They're dead to me. What's the good news?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16They're offering you a peerage.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17A title.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Lady Pam!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- I'm Lady Pam?- Yes, you are!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- I'm Lady Pam!- Yes!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- I'm Lady frigging Pam!- Yes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I feel dead humbled in a really northern way!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34If I was on speaking terms with me mam, she'd be made up for me.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Oh, Lainey!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Oh, you in the House of Lords!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42This is the recognition you deserve!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Ey, hang on.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45They don't expect me to go to London, do they?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47But that's where the House of Lords is.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Oh, Elaine, have you learned nothing today?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I don't bleed the South, I bleed up here, the North,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I'm a northern powerhouse.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Why is it all about down there?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58When up here is so fierce?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What's this, Lainey? - An Eccles cake.- Exactly.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08It's not a Chipping Norton cake, it's not a bleeding Cambridge cake, it's an Eccles cake!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10From the North, from Eccles,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13with the pain of a hundred LS Lowry paintings
0:25:13 > 0:25:15writ through it in raisins!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17The North puts the N in my DNA.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19DRUM ROLL
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
0:25:21 > 0:25:24our very own northern powerhouse, Pam Garrity!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# The Angel of the North, she guides me
0:25:28 > 0:25:29# Guides me
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# The soul of Gracie Fields beside me
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# No-one of my kin ever shagged a southern snob
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# I was born with a Lyons spoon in me gob
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# Knocked up when I was 16
0:25:42 > 0:25:43# 16
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# By that bastard Tony Kelly
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Such a bastard
0:25:47 > 0:25:50# Six kids, six dads, six lads, all mad
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# You should see the stretch marks on me belly
0:25:53 > 0:25:54# Belly
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# I bleed the North, I need the North
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# And with Pam's Pies, I feed the North
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Hey-hey-hey
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# So did I live on benefits
0:26:13 > 0:26:14# Benefits
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# With me little kids and moan?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# She didn't moan
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# I filled out form G78
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# Took out a Government Enterprise Scheme Allowance Loan
0:26:24 > 0:26:26# I started Pam's Pies, Pam's-tiques
0:26:26 > 0:26:28# Glam Pam, Wham Pam
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# Pam Care, Pam-per
0:26:30 > 0:26:31# Pam's Jams, Pam's Hams
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Pam's Scams!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Oi, enough of that, that's a stereotype.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# I bleed the North, I need the North
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# And with Pam's Vans, I speed the North
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Hey-hey-hey
0:26:51 > 0:26:55# Flat caps and mushy peas, that's the past, no more please
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# Clogs and northern misery, that image went away
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# On the plane with Morrissey, when he pissed off to LA
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# I bleed the North, I need the North
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# And with Pam's Plants, I seed the North
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Hey-hey-hey
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Cos what am I?- A powerhouse!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- And what aren't I?- A shithouse!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- You're not wrong there.- Shithouse!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- That's enough. - # Pam, Pam, Pam
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Come up here, George Osborne.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Like my digital platforms, I give great reception.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# Cut me and what do I bleed?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40# The North! #