0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:06Coming soon to BBC One,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08award-winning inaudible television in Another Mumbly Drama.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10THEY MUMBLE INCOHERENTLY
0:00:10 > 0:00:13SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:00:13 > 0:00:17DISTORTED MUMBLING
0:00:17 > 0:00:20I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying!
0:00:20 > 0:00:21DISTORTED MUMBLING
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Can you say that again...?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28SHE SIGHS
0:00:28 > 0:00:31SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:00:31 > 0:00:33God.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# And basically I'm still doing the same show
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:51 > 0:00:52# Tracey Ullman show
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# Let's do the show Let's go
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# Tracey Ullman show
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman
0:01:01 > 0:01:05# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Tracey Ullman Show Let's go. #
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Come along, Coriolanus.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Oh.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh. You want to do your business, do you?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Well, let's make sure we do it properly, shall we?
0:01:19 > 0:01:24That's it. Pop it in a bag and then, one, two, three...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Excuse me. Did you do what I think you just did?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Well, I hardly think that, being a national treasure,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I would walk this path every day
0:01:35 > 0:01:39and hurl dog eggs into the woodland canopy, just for kicks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42I'm Dame Judi Dench.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- I don't care.- What?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47This is Hampstead, you lot are ten a penny.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Over there lives Glenda Jackson, Charlotte Rampling, Melvyn Bragg.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- That's right, he's a sweetie.- Just because you're a national treasure
0:01:53 > 0:01:55doesn't mean to say that you can do what you like.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57What do you want? Money?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Or do you want tickets for a limited run by Ken Branagh?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03No. I want you to accompany me to the park ranger's office,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05where you've got some serious explaining to do.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Excuse me, I'm frightfully sorry.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Are you Dame...? - Yes, yes, I'm Dame Judi Dench,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and this horrible tabloid journalist is harassing me
0:02:13 > 0:02:17for innocently walking my dog across the heath.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Scum like you are everything that's wrong with this country.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Invading the privacy of a woman
0:02:22 > 0:02:25who has given so much to our national life. Who do you work for?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Is it Murdoch? Is it Murdoch?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I'll tell you what's going to happen, chump...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38We've got to find this guy.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The people of Britain might not know what we do, but, by God,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42we've got to do it for them!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Van moving east on the A401.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Matches description. - Run the number plate.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Already did, boss. It's a match.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Rachel, go earn that raise.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Don't move!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55He moved!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03But I didn't do nothing!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Tell me what this is.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It's a card that says, "Sorry you were out."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I wasn't out. I was in, waiting for my new dishwasher.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14But I pressed the bell three times, on my life I did!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16He's lying. 100 volts.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Argh! All right, all right, all right.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Look, I was running two jobs behind and they never give you enough time!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Carla. I know it's annoying,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27when you're in and they leave one of those cards...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30But, Roger, I took the day off and waited for him.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32But is this what we call proportionate response?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You're using more resources than the anti-terrorist squad next door.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Excuse me. Stand down...
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Right. Here's what you're going to do.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44You're going to take the dishwasher back to my house.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46You will open the door using the key under the pot,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48but don't tell anyone that's where I keep it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And then you're going to plumb that baby in good
0:03:51 > 0:03:55and take away the old one and all the packaging.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it right now.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00You'd better! Or I'll get a Trident sub to use you as target practice.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Good work, everyone. But don't think you're getting the afternoon off.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05THEY SIGH
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Because out there somewhere is an Ocado driver
0:04:07 > 0:04:10who left me a blueberry yoghurt instead of a mango one
0:04:10 > 0:04:12when I clearly said no substitutions.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Cappuccino. And hot.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I hate it when you give me a lukewarm one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21And I don't want just foam, I want some actual coffee in there, please.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And hurry. And, no, don't ask me if I want a muffin.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I'm more than capable of asking for a muffin if I want a muffin.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Name on cup?- Must we?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Helen.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38And it's been a great day here at Cheltenham,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41especially for the five or six horses that weren't shot.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43So, that's all from me, Clare Balding,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and back to you in the studio.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Great. I know what you're going to say, producer Sue,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50my hair was all over the place.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's been so windy, hasn't it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh! Can I help? Can I groom?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Oh, you're a majestic creature, aren't you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, yes, you are!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05SHE NEIGHS
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Clare, I wanted to go through your diary for the week.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm covering Crufts, skiing, wheelchair diving,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15the Lord Mayor's Show and tennis, and then tomorrow afternoon,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I'm doing religion, rugby, golf
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and then I'm interviewing Princess Anne about hats.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I'm worried you're doing too much.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, whatever gives you that impression, producer Sue?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Oh! Is that man filming on his phone? Hello. Can I be in it?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Thanks so much. I'm Clare Balding
0:05:29 > 0:05:31and I'm going to be anchoring coverage
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- on this man's phone for the next...- Clare.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Clare, it's just that you're in everything at the moment.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37All the other presenters are noticing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Gary Lineker's rung up in tears.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh. Well, it's not as if I'm doing Match Of The Day.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Although I could, couldn't I, producer Sue?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Can I do Match Of The Day? I just want to help.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You're great, but you do a lot and sometimes...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, God.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Can I push that buggy?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53That would be helpful, wouldn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, let me do that.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Us Baldings have never been afraid to roll the old sleeves up.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Look at me, producer Sue.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I'm picking up litter.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You could make a TV show about tidying up the countryside.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06But who would present it?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Oh! What about Claire Balding's Great British Rake-Up?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Oh, gosh, look, producer Sue!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16There's a camera and I haven't even said anything into it yet.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Hello, I'm Clare Balding,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and I'm talking to you from the security camera
0:06:22 > 0:06:23- in the stable yard...- Clare.- Yes?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I've ordered a car. I want you to get in it,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I want you to go home and I want you to get some sleep.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yes, I suppose you're right, producer Sue.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I do have to rest sometimes, don't I?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34All right, driver, you get in the back, don't worry.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Hop in the back. I'm going to drive.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yeah. I'm just trying to be helpful.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Right, Producer Sue.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'll see... Oh, that horse is skittish.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'm just going to blow up its nostrils.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Steady there, I've got this, producer Sue!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56It is alleged that you decanted canine faeces into plastic bags
0:06:56 > 0:07:02and threw said bags into the limbs of the nearby arboreal growth.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07When confronted by PC Harris, you attempted to assault him with a...
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- squeaky toy.- You know, I don't mean to disparage your colleague,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16but some people make up terrible lies about those in the public eye.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Judi Dench?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I've never heard of you.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Oh, my God. Do you mean it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I'm Dame Judi Dench.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34The actor!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I'm a national treasure.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- I mainly watch sport.- You must have seen me in something,
0:07:39 > 0:07:40I'm quite ubiquitous.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Mrs Brown?- I don't know it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- No.- The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- No.- Erm...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Bond. You must have seen James Bond?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Well, yeah.- There you are.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58But not since Timothy Dalton in Licence To Kill.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Look, this may be a long shot,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04but did you see me in The Plough And The Stars at the Young Vic in 1991?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05No.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Then I am lost!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10I wouldn't worry too much about this.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It is technically a crime, what you did, you know?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15But we don't like the paperwork.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18So, sit still and we'll have you out of here in half an hour.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Yes, yes.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It wasn't me.
0:08:39 > 0:08:403,000 steps.
0:08:40 > 0:08:433,000 steps so far today.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- That's good.- 3,000 steps and it's only lunchtime.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I got this for Christmas. Well,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I bought it for myself for Christmas and I can honestly say,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I can honestly say, I mean, it's changed my life.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Do you know how many steps you've done today?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- I don't know.- Do you know how many steps I've taken?
0:08:59 > 0:09:003,000, you just said.
0:09:00 > 0:09:023,000, but do you know how many stairs I've climbed?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- No.- Let's take a look, shall we?
0:09:04 > 0:09:0616 flights of stairs.
0:09:06 > 0:09:0816 flights! I don't know how you can bear not knowing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Yeah.- Oh, God, David, where are you going?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm just going to go make some photocopies.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, yeah, but all those steps you just took.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Look, see those? They are just wasted.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Yeah, but I need to go over here, so...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Oh, you're such a mug, David.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Why?- If it's not been logged, I mean, why bother?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I mean, how do you know you're healthy?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, I go to the gym and I do a 5K every weekend,
0:09:28 > 0:09:29so I'm not too bothered about it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Jesus, stop going on about it, David. I mean, bloody hell!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39# The Murdoch Bunch, the Murdoch bunch
0:09:39 > 0:09:43# That's the way we all became the Murdoch bunch! #
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Here's lunch!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, Jerry, that looks delicious!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, Prudence, call me Mum!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51We're the same fricking age.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You're all my little chickadees, as far as I'm concerned.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Look at us here, all under one roof!
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Oh, my heart and womb are just swelling with pride.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm just a little old Texas farm girl at heart.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Mum, you haven't lived on a farm since 1970.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, that don't mean you ever get the smell of pig shit
0:10:08 > 0:10:11out from under your nails!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Hey, Daddy, look.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Your favourite - barbecued ribs.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Liquidised, of course.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I call it a Tex-Mex smoothie.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Mmm!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Delicious. Here, give us a smacker!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Everybody, a toast to my wife.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33She's so much nicer than the last one.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36She was all, "Oh, Rupert,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"I want a bigger plane! Ooh!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Well, I'm more of a bank account half-full type of a gal.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44After all, if it all went away tomorrow,
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I'd still have the static caravan
0:10:45 > 0:10:48that Mick gave me in our divorce settlement.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51It's got a chemical toilet, y'all.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Happy anniversary, Dad.- Yeah, happy anniversary, Dad.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I said it first.- I said it loudest. - Don't copy me.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Kids, kids! You're all getting the same amount of money in the will.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So, shut the fuck up.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Hey, Rupert, you quit your cussing!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I'm sorry, Mrs Murdoch.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I love it when you call me that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I know what else you love, you dirty cow!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Somebody do something!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Doesn't anybody know the Heimlich manoeuvre?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22My mummy told me that this moment would come and that when it did,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I should just sit it out.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27You're all as useless as tits on a bull!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31HE GASPS
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Are you all right, Dad?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Fucking Viagra.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38My hero. Have another house.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, poor baby.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Motorboat it out.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47That's it, motorboat it out.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I've had a good life.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I know I have, and I'm grateful for it.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59But there's something else.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Something I regret
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and I've got to tell it before I'm gone.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I've just got to. - We're listening, Mum.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I wish I'd played more Candy Crush.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18- What?- What?- I wish I'd played more Candy Crush on my phone.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22But, Mum, think of all the other things you've done.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You set up a successful business, all that charity work...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Don't make the mistake I made.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Make time for Candy Crush...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33..while you still can.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It won't be long now.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Buy me one of those big things that blows everything up.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45They're 2.99.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- All right.- They're too expensive.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Angela!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Mein Chancellor?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Vhere are you?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59PHONE RINGS
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Hello?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03No, not yet. But I'm following the tracks left by
0:13:03 > 0:13:05her air-comfort-soled court shoes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Ja, I think I heard something.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I vill call you back.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13SOBBING
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Oh, Angela, you are eine dumkopf, you are eine loser.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You are eine pariah, you are eine blut alt frau.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24You're not a stupid old woman.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, Birgit, leave me alone! - Oh, Angela.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Everybody at the Senate is waiting for you to speak.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Oh, Birgit, I had ein panic attacken again.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, it was terrible.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I was sweating, sweating,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44and everyone was talking over me and Vladimir Putin's mouth was going up
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and down, up and down,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I just... I couldn't bear it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Oh, dear.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Look at you. Your hair is a mess.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56There's nothing left of your Born Beige lip liner.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- What's happened here?- Oh, I was chased by one of the G8 attack dogs.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I had to wade through a duck pond and crawl under some barbed wire.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I felt like one of the poor refugees.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Birgit, what has happened to me?
0:14:10 > 0:14:16I used to be the most powerful, sexy, confident, sexy, admired,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21sexy, sought-after, sexy female politician on the global stage!
0:14:21 > 0:14:26- And now?- And now, wass, mein Chancellorette?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33# I thought they were my friends
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# I thought that we were cool
0:14:35 > 0:14:40# Now I'm like the schlummy dummy no-one likes at school
0:14:40 > 0:14:43# Behind my back they're laughing
0:14:43 > 0:14:45# Especially the Brits
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# They're like, "Angela, whatever."
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# Those stupid Brexit shits
0:14:51 > 0:14:56# On the refugees I acted
0:14:56 > 0:15:01# The moment when I ask for help they all gang up on me
0:15:01 > 0:15:05# All on my own
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Here I am
0:15:07 > 0:15:11# All on my own
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Who gives a damn?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Ratings at an all time low
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Oh, man, it makes me blue
0:15:17 > 0:15:21# Oh, Birgit, baby, be a buddy
0:15:21 > 0:15:26# Tell me vhat to do
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# Don't let those schweine get you down
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# They do not have a clue
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# You're the EU anchor EU banker
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- # That's why they hate you - Too true!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# We've always worked things out
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# Since we were oh so small So small!
0:15:42 > 0:15:47# Dreaming of another life on the right side of the wall
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# I used to be so va-va-voom
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# It all was so light-hearted
0:15:52 > 0:15:57# Now when I walk into a room it's like, "Mein Gott, who farted?"
0:15:57 > 0:16:01# All on my own
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- # No, you're not, my Chancellorette - Here I am
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- # All on my own - Nein, nein
0:16:07 > 0:16:09# Here I am I give a damn
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# Up scheisse creek with no paddle
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# They've brought me to my knees
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# So now it's just the two of us
0:16:16 > 0:16:21# And a million refugees
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Enough with all this boo-hoo-hoo
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# Blow your snotty schauze
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# Put on fresh mascara
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# Get back in there and get...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31ANGELA BLOWS NOSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:32# Get them
0:16:32 > 0:16:34ANGELA BLOWS NOSE # Get them
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- # Who the star? - Who the star?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- # You the star - I'm the star
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- # You the star - I'm the star
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:16:41 > 0:16:43# All on my own
0:16:43 > 0:16:46# Here you go
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# All on my own Do you want some?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# We will never run away We will never hide
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# Get back in there, my Chancellorette
0:16:57 > 0:17:02# And kick some EU backsides
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# Backside
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# EU backside. #
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Really good session, guys, well done.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Good work today.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Oh, my God.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Your ten o'clock's here.- Oh!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Please, come through.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31SHE WHISPERS: I'll tell you later.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Hello. How's the week been? - Not too good actually.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Yeah, really quite difficult.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Hmm. When you say difficult, have you, just as an example, say,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46come home to find her in the front room with the dog walker
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and the dog walker's on the end of the lead?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- No.- Because that might have happened to the people you just walked past.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55You can't have missed them.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58She had the roots showing and he had a sweaty nose?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- I don't...- What do you think he did?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Erm...- I don't.- Come on, guess!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You're there, she's got him into a collar,
0:18:05 > 0:18:06she's feeding him biscuits.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10What do you think he does? You'll never guess.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Guess though.- I can't.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14He turns, not to the wife but to the dog walker, and says,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18"Michael, how could you? I thought this was our thing!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It turns out the husband's
0:18:20 > 0:18:24only been carrying on with the dog walker himself, behind her back!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26So, it all kicks off.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28There's a right do.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I've told them to bring the dog walker to the session next week.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Not that it'll help, but I just want to get a look at him.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37You know?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Anyway. This is your time.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42How have the two of you been?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm comfortable.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48This is confidential, isn't it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Oh, of course. This is a place of absolute trust.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55This is a place where you should feel that you can say anything.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Because anything you say stays within these four walls.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Why?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What have you been up to? Something grubby?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Oh, come on! It was just one fire extinguisher.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Oh, and I took this earlier, but I was going to give it back.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Unbelievable!
0:19:14 > 0:19:15You'll be charged in the morning.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You're going down for a long time.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20You can't do this to me! I'm Dame Judi Dench!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I'm a national treasure! Google me!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Bing me! Ask Jeeves, if it still exists.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh, Judi with an I!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Call the Royal Shakespeare Company!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Somebody there will vouch for me!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- KNOCK AT DOOR - Yes?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Erm, are you the doctor?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Are you the police?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- No.- Then I'm the doctor.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54How can I help you?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- What happened to Dr Aziz? - He's on holiday.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I am the new locum, Dr Paluzzi.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00I'm a very good doctor.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02For 22 years,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06I was a physician to some of the world's finest sportsmen and women.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Now, what seems to be the problem?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Well, I've had this pain in my knee for the past couple of months.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13OK, Tom. Can I call you Tom?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well, it's not my name.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, you don't always have to use the real name.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Sometimes it's more fun not to, huh?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Now, Tom, let me ask you a question.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Are you a winner? - I'm not sure what you mean.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32who's not wearing a wire.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Let us speak frankly.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37You want to rediscover your competitive edge,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- I want to help you. You know? - I'd just like a less painful knee.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, sure, sure, sure. That's what the paperwork is going to say.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45But if, theoretically,
0:20:45 > 0:20:50a lot of extra oxygen was to find its way into your blood supply,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53this would not be the worst thing in the world, am I right?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Well, I'd like to feel better.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Bene, bene, bellissimo!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Now we are speaking the same language, huh?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Now, I'm going to give you some tablets on prescription
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and by tablets, I mean these syringes
0:21:06 > 0:21:12and when I say on prescription, I mean hidden inside this cola can.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Is this legal? - In a lot of ways, maybe.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It's just a perfectly normal bad knee medicine.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And that is what you tell the papers.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And if it turns out that they contain mostly amphetamines,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27then I guess somebody must have changed the recipe.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30The official line is that this is not a treatment you asked for.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32This is not a treatment I asked for!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Perfecto! Now, you're to take this once a day, with food.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Ideally in a secluded caravan, with the blinds down.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43And in no time at all, you will feel like you could take on the world.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46And in terms of competitive sports, you probably could.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Oh, and you take this for your asthma.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50I don't have asthma.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Well, not everybody who has asthma has asthma.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Some people only think they have asthma, but it turns out,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58they just wanted to run faster.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Now, all you need to do is sign this confidentiality clause,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07which I will do for you,
0:22:07 > 0:22:08and you are good to go.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, and Tom, if anybody asks you to pee into a cup,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17best to get a friend to do it for you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh, Tom,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25is my next patient what you would call official looking?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Well, he's wearing a suit.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Tell him I moved to Venezuela.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Guess where I'm going today.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm sorry, I keep having to tell everyone this.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Buckingham Palace. - Oh, fantastic.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Yes, I'm going to meet the Queen.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47My mum is so proud.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Congratulations.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I hope you don't mind my asking,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52but is that what you're going to be wearing?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Oh, no! Oh, no. This is just for fun, no, no.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57My real outfit's in here.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06And that is why I believe that independence is better for you,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09better for me, better for Scotland!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Aye, Nicola. We got her for you.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48JK Rowling.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53You arrive before me with all the tedious dreariness
0:23:53 > 0:23:54of an English summer.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Better an English summer than a freezing Scottish winter,
0:23:57 > 0:23:58you horrible cow!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Hi-yah!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I see you've met my Scottish terrier, wee Mhairi Black,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06the MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- South.- But, Mhairi, some tea for our guest!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13One bag will do for the two of us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Aye, she's canny.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Shortbread!- No.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Aye, it's all avocados and quinoa for you, isn't it?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Heaven forbid you should enjoy anything Scottish.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I love this country just as much as you do.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Aye, when Edinburgh Festival's on
0:24:27 > 0:24:30and all your poncey English friends are up.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32But where are you come February, eh?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Sunbathing in Tenerife in your Hermes bikini!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Do you know where me and Mhairi are?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We're cutting a hole in the ice in the Firth of Forth
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and swimming bare breasted beneath the bridge.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Now that's love for your country.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Look, what do you want?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Calm down, Mhairi.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I want you to get on Twitter and tell your seven billion followers
0:24:52 > 0:24:56that now you're not only a supporter of Scottish independence,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- but Scottish supremacy, too! The screen.- Aye.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Show her Operation Irn-Bru.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Imagine a world where the Scots reigned supreme.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12There's not one landmark that wouldn't look better
0:25:12 > 0:25:15with a tartan blanket thrown over it.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17The Sydney McOpera house.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21The Sporran of Liberty.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23The Taj McMahal.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26You're mad, Sturgeon!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30For too long, we Scots have been denied any real power in Government.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Apart from the two Prime Ministers, two Chancellors of the Exchequer,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37one Secretary of State for Justice, one Lord Chancellor,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39one Secretary of State for Trade and Industry
0:25:39 > 0:25:42and two Secretaries of State for Work and Pensions
0:25:42 > 0:25:43in the past 20 years alone, eh, Nicola?!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Wheesht! Mhairi!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Now, get tweeting, or wee Mhairi will bellow her maiden speech
0:25:49 > 0:25:52to parliament in your ear. Again!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59NICOLA LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:25:59 > 0:26:02MUSIC: Scotland the Brave on bagpipes
0:26:05 > 0:26:07And I ended up staying there for three months.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Do you travel a lot?- Well, not as much as I'd like, you know, because,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16it's a bit difficult, isn't it, being single?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Very true.- But I did go to Sicily last year with a group
0:26:19 > 0:26:21and we had a wonderful time.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh, I love Sicily.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24The climate, the history,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26the quiet strolls through the hillside villages.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Popping into a little church somewhere.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I love churches. And the wine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Speaking of which, shall we have another bottle?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Oh, yeah! Why not?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Italy is such a wonderful country.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And as a Christian, I always...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Can we have the bill, please?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46I thought we were going to have another...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's just that I remembered I've got an early...thing.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Is it because I mentioned I'm a Christian?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53No. Did you? No.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Because I know Jesus isn't very sexy and it bothers some people.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Well, not me, I was brought up a Christian.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Oh, you were?- I'm not one now, obviously.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05It's all right.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Look, I should go.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Is everything all right, sir? I hope it wasn't anything that we...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Turns out she's a bloody Christian.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I'll get you a brandy - on the house.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Bloody hell, it's you, isn't it, from Downton?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Yes, it is.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Dame Penelope Wilton.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Well, it's been most inconvenient to be brought here,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I was in the middle of a rehearsal.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Oh, Maggie!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Thank God you're here! They've convinced themselves
0:27:43 > 0:27:46that I've committed some sort of criminal infraction.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Of course, I told them I could have done no such thing.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I'm beloved by the nation, like Buckingham Palace, Blackpool Tower,
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Butlin's at Bognor.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56But they just wouldn't listen.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Well, Madam, do you know this lady?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I've never seen her before in my life.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04But it's me, Judi!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06We did the Marigold Hotels together.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Yes, and I got second billing.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You can't do this to me!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Oh, I think I can.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I'm a national treasure.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Maggie, no! Maggie...
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Maggie, please!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Don't leave Judi! Maggie!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27CHEERING