0:00:02 > 0:00:04Later on BBC One, another format we've copied from somewhere else
0:00:04 > 0:00:06and remade in a slightly more worthy way...
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Your chance to watch other people
0:00:09 > 0:00:10reading books.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Pamela and Peter
0:00:14 > 0:00:17are both reading Sense and Sensibility.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18SHE LAUGHS
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Oop.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24And the Coopers have decided to read
0:00:24 > 0:00:2750 Shades Of Grey together as a family.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I say, have you got to page 45?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- Oh, yes. - SHE LAUGHS
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Takes me back. - THEY LAUGH
0:00:35 > 0:00:37God, you're so embarrassing.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# And I'll do it to the bitter end
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go
0:01:01 > 0:01:05# Tracey Ullman Show
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Tracey Tracey Tracey Tracey
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# Tracey Ullman Show. #
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Let's go.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- How can I help?- Medium white Americano, please.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21- Extra shot?- No, thank you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Syrup?- No, I'm good, thanks.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Soya milk?- No. I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Lady breast milk she left in shop?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30No, just a white Americano.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31- Mini ring doughnut?- No.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Cinnamon shortbread?- No.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Giant Malteser?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Looks like a giant Malteser but inside it's really a cake,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39but it does have some Malteser in it?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40- No.- Sting CD?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- No.- Times newspaper?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- No.- Elvis Costello CD?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45- No.- Fresh fish?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47What? No!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Boiler repair two-year warranty?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Of course not.- Prize-winning novel about a sad lady?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I just want my coffee. Can I have it now, please?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Certainly. One white Americano,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59no prize-winning novel about a sad lady,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03no boiler repair, no fresh fish, no Elvis Costello CD,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05no Times newspaper, no Sting CD,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08no giant Malteser that isn't really a Malteser,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11no cinnamon shortbread, no mini ring doughnut, no breast milk,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14no soya milk, no syrup, no extra shot.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, she's gone.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Rude lady.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Charles, it's Camilla.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yah, I won't be long, sexy bum.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've got to get a frock to wear to the big banquet.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You know, the old bloody whats-his-name,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Johnny foreigner chappie,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32the one your dad offended.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35No, the other one.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39No, the other one.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Oh, buggeration!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The mare's just had a refusal at the water jump.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Gee up, girl! What's the matter with you?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49ALARM BLARES
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Stop whinnying, you bally thing!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Look, I've got to go.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ohh!
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- You need any help?- No, no, no.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I think it's best just to put it out of its misery.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07GUNSHOT
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- There. That should do it. - ALARM SLOWS AND STOPS
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Which way is Knightsbridge? I think I'll walk.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, it's about 30 miles that way, I think.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, for fuck...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh, they'll sell frocks.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Bloody brilliant.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Oh, bloody hell!
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Hi, can I help you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I'd say. Padded bally jackets for £9.99.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I'll take one of those. - What size are you?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34I'm about 16 hands.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm rather wide in the withers.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Right. Um... So, one of these?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'll take the whole rack.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46And, oh, a box of those animal-print jodhpurs.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Oh, these?- Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50These are actually leggings.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54You say organic potato, I say organic potata.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- And is there anything else I can help you with?- I need a ball gown.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Something quite long.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I don't want to show the whole flower show.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Um... We don't really have ballgowns.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh! Sold out? I knew I'd left it too late.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Oh! What about one of those sodding sashes that always get stuck between
0:04:10 > 0:04:12your boobs? I hate these.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Whenever you go to take a wazz, the dangly bit always dips in the lavvy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Oh, well, I shall just these with my wellies.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I mean, what does "Formal" really mean, anyway?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28How many mother-in-laws is that?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Oh, that'll be £84, please.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So that's four big mother-in-laws...
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - and one little mother-in-law.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Thank you.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Yeah. We do, yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Right,...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Susie...- Is it true?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Is what true? - Don't bullshit me, Jeff.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10All right, it's true.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13For God's sake, I've had the ten o'clock slot
0:05:13 > 0:05:14since Tony Blair got in.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16It's not a demotion.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20We just think you'd be more suited to a lower-profile daytime slot.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22But Nicole isn't even a news person.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23She's good at her job.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Yeah, and she's 20 years younger than me.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- It's not about age. - Then what is it about?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Well...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You keep bringing your cats in.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- My cats?- Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It was all right when it was just Trixie,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40but there are eight or nine of them now.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Well, Huw Edwards brings his dog in.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45One dog. And he keeps it in his dressing room.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It doesn't stop me doing my job.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Let me show you something.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52This is you from last night.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55ON SCREEN: Police are still searching for two men
0:05:55 > 0:05:57believed to be responsible for Thursday's daring
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Bond Street jewellery robbery.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03SHE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Forest fires continued to rage in California, the National Guard...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You're a very handsome boy.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Yes, you are. Oooh. There's a handsome boy.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Say hello to the viewers. Off you go, now.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Riots on the streets of Athens.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Scores of protesters are injured...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24BABY TALK: Yes, they are!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Yes, they are.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You see the problem?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But when was the last time you saw a mouse around here?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Fair point.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Listen to that rain, Mother.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It's been bucketing down all morning.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What's this one called?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Was it Storm Jo, Storm Jeffrey?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Storm Julian?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54People nowadays don't know what a storm is.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56That's just a wet wind.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, Mother, look...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05the house is flooding.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, we've got to get out of here.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Hop on, Mother, I'll give you a piggyback to the door.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Come on.- It's just a bit of water.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I want to watch the end of Cash In The Attic.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Well, all right, Mother.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Ahhh!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Ooh! That's all your fault.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I told you not to change our electricity supplier.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie...
0:07:41 > 0:07:46only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I wish to thank my sponsors,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52without whose money I most certainly wouldn't be doing this.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55So, if you skipped over their adverts,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59go back at once and buy yourself a walk-in bath.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Today, I will present a "What's In The Bag?" video.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08There are many thousands of these on the internet, and for research,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I watched exactly none of them.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Why would you want to nose into a bag unless you were a security guard
0:08:15 > 0:08:17or a horse?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Still, times change,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21and I must join the hideous freak show
0:08:21 > 0:08:24that is the modern age.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Firstly, we find...
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Julian Fellowes' telephone number.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Well, I shan't be needing that again.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37And, oh, this is a stunt poo from The Lady In The Van.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41At least I hope it's a stunt poo.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Oh, my goodness!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I had no idea that was in there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Oh, and there's a little BAFTA nestling down there.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52And, oh, what's this?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Oh, my Rear Of The Year award, 1958.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59And... Oh...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01This is either a Tic Tac
0:09:01 > 0:09:04or one of Henry Fonda's hallucinogens.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It's a Tic Tac, more's the pity.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Now... Oh, this is something I shall always treasure.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Some advice sent to me by Elizabeth Taylor
0:09:18 > 0:09:21when I was a young actress.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25"Stay away from Richard Burton, you skinny bitch."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Advice I certainly heeded...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30most of the time.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Elaine, I've just had an amazing thought,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39and I'm not being self-obsessed or nothing,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42but how about a movie made about my life?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Pam Garrity, Northern Powerhouse.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48One woman's rise from the arse end of nowhere
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- to the cream of the frigging crop. - I can see thingy playing you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Who?- Jennifer Lawrence.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55What part of America is she from?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- The north, I think.- Love that bitch.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Get on to her people. Tell her to start practising her Scouse accent.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Is my two o'clock here?- Yeah. - Who is it again?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Your son, Larry.- Oh, my God!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11How could I forget? My Larry. Oh, I love my Larry!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Call me psychic, Elaine, but I knew that lad was gay in the womb.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19And do you know what? I was made up for meself cos I love the gays.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20I was weaned on queenery.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I spent half me life dancing backwards in gay clubs
0:10:23 > 0:10:26to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Cut me and I bleed Relax.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Show him in.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Larry, your mum.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Hiya, Mam.- Oh, look at him!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Isn't he gorgeous? He's gorgeous, isn't he, Elaine?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39And you can't shag him cos he's a gay.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Give me a hug, you massive bender.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Listen, Mam. I've got some news.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I've met someone.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48And he's asked me to marry him and I want you to meet him.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Ooh.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54My first gay wedding!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh! What's his name?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Tom.- Oh, that's a great northern name, isn't it?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I'm going to go and get him. Tom!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Oh, Elaine! Elaine!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Book me Castle Howard for a month.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This lad's going to get spliced in style.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09We'll get the set of Coronation Street and get Oasis back together,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11cos they can play at the reception.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12We could get Mel B to sing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15No, forget that. Mel B gets on me tits.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Here he is, Mam.- Oh, come here.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21We're just planning your wedding, lad.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Elaine, we can do food stations.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26We'll have organic mushy peas and a hotpot fountain.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Say hello to your mother-in-law.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh, my God! He's gorgeous!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Say that again, slower.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Get out of my office,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46you soft southern shite!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And you...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You dirty git!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00You disgust me!
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- But I love him, Mam.- Are you intent on bringing shame to this family?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05To the name Garrity?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You might as well have taken a dagger and shoved it in my heart, lad!
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- Mam...- If you marry that c-c-c-ockney knobhead,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15you can consider yourself cut from my will.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Now, get out! I can't bear to look at you!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Elaine,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26get me Saturday Night Sunday Morning on YouTube.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Consider it dialysis.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Where's your mother now? - She's up in the attic.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm not going!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38She says it's a load a fuss about nothing.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You see, there's a mark on our wall from the 1954 flood,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and it's not up there yet, so she says were staying put.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Just out of interest, if you were to save us, how would you do it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I'd lift you through this window and into my boat.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Through this window? You'd lift me?!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Yes.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I think you'd find that tricky. I'm very pear shaped.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Mother calls me a Heffalump.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05She says I've got a very wide pubic bone.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07We're taking everyone down to the community centre,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09there's blankets down there, and tea.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh, that sounds lovely.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Will there be sandwiches?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Yes, I think so.- And maybe a singsong?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16I'm sure you could start one.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18SHE LAUGHS
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Oh, well, in that case...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Tell the man to go away.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- I'm sorry, eh...- Dan.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Look, we'll keep an eye on the situation.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33If the water levels get too high, we'll be back.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Right. Right. Yes. Save me some sandwiches.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37All right.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, be careful of Mother's runner beans.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- 'Sup, Hassan?- Yo.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50They're back.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53HE RAPS: # You were warned And here they are
0:13:53 > 0:13:55# It's the arrival of the dread death star
0:13:55 > 0:13:57# It's doom for us No room for doubt
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# Posh people moving in And moving us out
0:14:02 > 0:14:03HIPHOP BACKING TRACK
0:14:03 > 0:14:05# Hello, guys, I'm Kate and I work in planning
0:14:05 > 0:14:09# I'll get straight to the point - we've got a really good plan in
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# We're so excited about this community
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# We want to preserve its dynamic diversity
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# We want to communicate and integrate
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Integrate? You mean segregate, Kate
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# Whoa, man You don't like our plan?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# Damn your plan and I ain't your man
0:14:23 > 0:14:25# Would you like to rap challenge me?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28# I listened to Grandmaster Flash at university
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# Hush now, honey Go play with your money
0:14:30 > 0:14:34# Dr Dre and Eminem, I'm down, I'm hip with all of them. #
0:14:34 > 0:14:35- BOTH:- Oooh!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# So, listen up, fool name a subject for this rap duel
0:14:38 > 0:14:40# The ten signs of gentrification
0:14:40 > 0:14:41# Drop the beat
0:14:43 > 0:14:44HIP-HOP BEAT AND SCRATCHING
0:14:46 > 0:14:47# Number one
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# Coffee shops on every corner, damn it, man, it sucks
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# Costa, Nero, costs so dear full of star schmucks
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- # Two.- Everybody moans "More homes for the city,"
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# Be glad, not sad we're making them pretty
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# We're going to build them good,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58# We're going to build them tall
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- # Three.- That's right three will be affordable
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- # Four.- My brother lost his chicken shop, they took away his lease
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# Great! Fewer children who are morbidly obese
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Drowning in grease like your niece
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# Processed meat-eaters meet type II diabetes
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# Pop-up food stalls with a posh name
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# Overpriced burgers which all taste the same
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# Food will be good in the neighbourhood
0:15:16 > 0:15:17# Foodies instead of hoodies
0:15:17 > 0:15:21# Sourdough pizza meets a craft beer, gastropubs, bistros
0:15:21 > 0:15:22# Round the corner, Waitrose
0:15:22 > 0:15:23# Stop, wait a minute
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# It gets worse for the nurses with all the stresses
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# Working in the messes of the NHSes
0:15:28 > 0:15:30# They're moving us out and we won't we won't be back
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# Good luck when you get that heart attack
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- # Number five.- The people who clean-up and mop up your shit
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# Have to move out cos they can't afford it
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- # Six.- No more scary dogs chewing up babies faces
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# Labradoodle poodles doing doo-doo in nice places
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- # Seven.- Yummy mummies working on their mummy tummies
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# Spinning and grinning and getting thin in Pilates
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- # Eight.- Shops too expensive to hop and shop and drop in
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- # Nine.- Great new bars to pop and flop and bop in
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- # Great for the rich - Great for the tourist
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# Man, it's a bitch if you happen to be the poorest
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- # Number ten.- Number ten?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00# The tube
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- SINGS:- # The tube
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# There could be a freaking tube!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06# Just do
0:16:06 > 0:16:07# Just think
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# Crossrail, Citylink
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# Give me my chance to be in the right spot
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# A tube'll make the neighbourhood hot, hot, hot! #
0:16:15 > 0:16:17A tube would be cool.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Nonzo!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19THEY SING: # Gentrifying
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# Can't pay the rent you're cryin'
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Gotta move to Brent you're sighin'
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# And what about my Brenda also meant to die?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# Wake up, wise up see where this leads
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# The needy man bleeds while the greedy man feeds
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# And moves everyone to Leeds
0:16:37 > 0:16:41# I'm glad we got to integrate and communicate, cos next week
0:16:41 > 0:16:43# We're going to detonate
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# Be sure to get out and get a good view
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# This place is blowing up with or without you. #
0:17:00 > 0:17:05I've had a lucky life, but there's something I really regret.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Oh, Mum, there's nothing to regret.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I really wish I'd taken more pictures of my lunch
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and put them online.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Chicken and chips, take a picture, put it online.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Tuna salad, take a picture, put it online.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Packet of crisps and an apple,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24take a picture, put it online.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I...I always thought there'd be another day to show people
0:17:28 > 0:17:31what I was about to eat.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Oh, Mum.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Don't let it be too late for you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Get my purse. Look...
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Go down to the canteen,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41get yourself a piece of quiche and stick it on Tumblr,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44because tomorrow might never come.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48It won't be long now.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57'Gram it, Sal.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Is that one of mine?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07What, this?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10No, no, no. The book. Is that one of mine?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Who are you?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Germaine Greer.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Feminist icon and former lover of Frederico Fellini.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I practically invented sex.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Why are you looking at me like that?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Have you never seen nipples on a woman's hips before?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You should be thanking me, you know.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I was a clitoral pioneer.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Nobody was talking about them in Melbourne before I came along.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Ditto vaginas.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34That's right, sir.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I said vaginas.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It's Latin, meaning scabbard or sheath.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Did you know that?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Sorry, can you not invade my space?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Oh, when did students get so intolerant?!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49In my world, you can say anything you want.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I told the Australian PM she had a fat arse once,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54and nobody batted an eyelid.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Well, they did, but I meant it n a nice way.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Yeah, I actually find that really offensive.- Good. Good!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Get angry!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Somebody needs to, now that I've been silenced by the media.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08They called me a radical when I was young,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11but you're not allowed to be controversial
0:19:11 > 0:19:13once your areolas head south.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm intellectually homeless.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Can't even get a seat on BBC Four.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21And all because I'm old.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24There's no other possible explanation.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Minister, I'm going to have to ask the question again,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33and I'm going to keep on asking it until I get an answer.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Have you ever held shares in an offshore company?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- CAT MEOWS - Yes, all right, I did. I did.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I did. Can you get off me, please?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43I'm actually allergic.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Kay?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Kay?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Kay?!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I'm coming, mother!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Oh! I found some groceries floating around down there.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I managed to rescue the Branston and some golden breadcrumbs.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Did you get my biscuits?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Yes, I got your biscuits.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09There's quite a riptide down there by the washing machine.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13People do seem to be leaving, Mother.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15They're all getting in canoes and paddling away.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Babies.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18A lot of fuss about nothing.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's just a bit of damp.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23You brought the wrong biscuits.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I want the Garibaldis.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27But they're in the pantry.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's like the Poseidon Adventure down there, Mum.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32I'll have to free-dive for them.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I want the Garibaldis.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Let me take something to help me breathe.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Let me know if you need any help.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I'm just after a card for our Shirley.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Oh, lovely.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, they're all in sections.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03There's cheeky over there, then you get crude, and there's adult,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07and then there's obscene and here's downright offensive.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I'm actually just after a birthday card.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Oh, they're all birthday cards.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12So, what's she like?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Does she drink too much Prosecco?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Does she eat too much cake?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Does she like getting bummed?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- I'm not sure she really does, really.- Oh.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Well, a lot of people seem to,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28cos they make an awful lot of cards about that.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Do you not have any cards that just have pictures of animals or birds?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Yes, yes, we do.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Er, there's this one here.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Oh, lovely!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"I got you a hairy pussy."
0:21:42 > 0:21:43And this one.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44"You're a tit"?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Er...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It does say "You're a tit", yeah.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52She's not your sister, is she? Cos these are very popular.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"You may be my sister, but you're still a bitch."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57No, she's just a neighbour.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh! Is that a "Keep Calm And Carry On" range?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04That's a World War II slogan, isn't it?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Maybe this'd be more appropriate.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Keep calm and carry on drinking."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"Keep calm and carry on shagging."
0:22:10 > 0:22:12"Keep calm and..." Oh.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Do you not have any cards at all that aren't rude?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17No, they're mostly the funny ones.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19But we do have this range.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23They're made by a woman in the village and they're on brown card,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24so you know they're classy.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26And she's stuck pieces of paper on them
0:22:26 > 0:22:29to make flowers and butterflies.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Oh, that's pretty.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32How much is that?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33£7.50.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Maybe Shirley does like being bummed.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45AMOROUS NOISES
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Oh!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Ooh, that is good!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Oh!
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Right, bedtime.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56What, what? No, no.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, no.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, your father was just looking for his keys.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, you can't go!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Movie night's for all my new family.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Mick refused to buy a colour TV, so this is such a treat for me, y'all.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Sit down or you're out of the will.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Right, so, what shall we watch?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Let's watch Tim Burton's Batman.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I did my acting in that film.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24We're watching Crocodile Dundee.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25We watched that last week!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So? You got a problem with that?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- No, no, no.- I love Crocodile Dundee.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Yes, let's watch Crocodile Dundee. It's my favourite film.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Paul Hogan is the greatest actor in the world.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36OK. Well, fire up the Blu-ray.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Jerry, er...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41do you want some popcorn?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Oh, no. Not for me, sweetie.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Go on, Jerry.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Have some popcorn.- No, I'm fine.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm watching my figure.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52I'll watch it for you!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Ha, boom-boom!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Jerry, I really think you should try the popcorn.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I really don't want any.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00I'll try the popcorn.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02No, no!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Agh! Oh, God!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- You're not supposed to try the popcorn!- Oh, Dad!- That's gross!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Rupert, what is wrong with you?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Can't a man hide his pecker in his own popcorn once in a while
0:24:13 > 0:24:14without getting grief about it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I'm never eating popcorn again!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Can you imagine them all in that community centre now, Mum?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29With the sandwiches and the singing?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32We could have wowed them with our new thermos.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I'm cold.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I think we've got a roll of old lagging up here somewhere.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40We could wrap ourselves in that.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Look at all this junk.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44We might find some cash in our attic, Mother.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Oh, dear.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48What's all this?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's a postcard.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52To me.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56"Could I have the honour of accompanying you to the cinema
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"this Saturday to see Doctor Zhivago?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Oh, it's from a man, inviting me to the pictures.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, this is 1965.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I suppose I've missed that now.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I don't know how that got there.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13What else is up here, mother?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Nothing.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17KNOCKING
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'm afraid we're going to have to evacuate you, ladies.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Oh, it's Dan. That's Dan.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Hello, Dan. How did you get up there?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28He's like Spider-Man, Mum, shimmying up the side of buildings.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Tell him to keep his sticky substances to himself.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Right, you're not safe, OK?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35We're going to have to get you out.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Here we go.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Here you go, Mum.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41You'll need a sturdier ladder than that for her.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Will you be staying the night in the community centre as well, Dan?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Because I expect we should all have to huddle close for warmth.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I must warn you, I've got very cold feet.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Mother says it's like sleeping next to an iceberg.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh! Ooh, Dan!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"Darling, Kay, will you marry me?"
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Dear, Kay Clark, I'm pleased to offer you a place..."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"...very pleased to offer you the position of customer service advisor...
0:26:04 > 0:26:06"We're all going to France and we'd love you to come..."
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"Dear, Kay, why haven't you replied to my letters?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:24It's an honour to present the award for Best British Newcomer,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28but before I do, I just want to say that our industry must be open
0:26:28 > 0:26:32to all voices and backgrounds, not just the elite.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34How are we going to hear working-class stories
0:26:34 > 0:26:37if there are no working-class actors?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Thank you. Thank you.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45And the nominees for Best British Newcomer are...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Henry Osmond Wells
0:26:47 > 0:26:48for Gay Cambridge Spies.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Lucia Wentworth
0:26:54 > 0:26:56for Thin Woman In A Floaty Dress.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckinghamshire,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03for Help, I'm A Disabled Oxford Boffin.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And finally, Terry Marsh
0:27:10 > 0:27:12for Council Estate Jack-Up.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And the winner is...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Terry Marsh, Council Estate Jack-Up!
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Yay! Yay!
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Oh!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Well done, Tel!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Job well done, mate!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Thanks.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I'm gobsmacked. I mean, I just...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Hang on...
0:27:43 > 0:27:44This ain't my name.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Just take the award, Terry, take the award.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50This says Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckingham.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Oh, you cocked it up, mate!
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Roz, it don't matter who the actor is or where he's from.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Look, what matters is the quality of the work.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Hugo, get up here.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Woohoo!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04That's yours, mate.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Woo! OMG!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Never thought I'd win this tonight, but, erm, just because an actor
0:28:10 > 0:28:13comes from what some people might call a privileged background,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17doesn't mean that he hasn't had to fight for every inch of his career.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21It isn't easy trying to act when the bank is calling
0:28:21 > 0:28:24you every day, asking you to run its futures division.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Or choosing whether to rehearse or
0:28:26 > 0:28:30go on a skiing holiday with some really great guys.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33So this is for all those who believe in art
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and for everyone who wants to bring back fox hunting.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Yeah, fox hunting!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Right, leg it, Tel! Leg it!
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Yeah, up the fucking workers!