0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09I'm Clare Balding.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11This is really, really nice.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# Tracey Ullman's Show!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# Tracey Ullman's Show. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Let's go!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52KEYPAD BEEPING
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Ohh!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Excuse me, Leah.- Do I know you? - Yes, you see me every day.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Jasmine, I work in accounts.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I've been on holiday in Magaluf, and they've changed the code again.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Magaluf is but a short flight from Damascus.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11No code, no entry.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Oh, Leah...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Helmet off. Need a name, mate.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Serge, Leah. I was here yesterday.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I don't know that name, mate. I got a clearance on a Sergio.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'm Sergio. Serge for short.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Anybody could say that, mate.- Don't make me go and get accredited again.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28I really need to use the loo.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Please. I'm desperate.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Leah, can you let Serge in, please?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- He's got this week's stock sheets. - That's not the right name, Gary.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- Oh, God, this is... - About everybody's safety, Gary.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Including yours.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Yeah. We went down Manhattan's, but it was wall-to-wall mingers.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53White Americano, please, love. And move your chubby arse.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Name on cup?- Tom.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01HE CHUCKLES
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ahh!
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Oh, this is just beautiful. Ooh, very, very fragile.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19They take over a week to make.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Goodness, goodness.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Oh, this vase is just exquisite.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27But if I put my hand around the neck,
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I could just snap it off with one single swift downward motion.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Excuse me. It's you, isn't it?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You're Dame Judi Dench.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39We don't get many national treasures coming in this shop.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44No, I wouldn't call myself that, I'm just a normal Dame of the Realm.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47We did have another celebrity in here a couple of weeks ago, though.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Guess who?- Oh, Simon Rattle.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Jonathan Miller. Ken Branagh.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Is it Ken Russell? Melvyn Bragg.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Bonnie Greer. Ewan McGregor, Darcy Bussell...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00James May.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01From Top Gear.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Can I get a picture with you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Of course.- Great.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08My camera's up in the staffroom,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'll have to leave you alone in the shop for about 60 seconds.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12I'll be back in a minute.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20All you have to do is stand here for one minute, Dame Judi.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Nope. Control yourself.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Breathe.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37SMASHING GLASS
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- What?!- It was a whirlwind!
0:03:40 > 0:03:41The door flew open!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I thought I was going to get carried away like Dorothy!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46My hair, my hair!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It was blown everywhere!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I mean, how could a wind even get in here?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53This isn't the time to ask questions, my dear.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56You're in shock. Let me take that photo.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Look. One is left still standing.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03It's like a miracle.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06SMASH!
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Oh, dear.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I'm so sorry.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You must let me pay for that.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Get the old chip and pin machine out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You know, you can't be too careful about security these days.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Would you mind covering your eyes while I put in the numbers?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Excuse me, aren't you...?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm Helen Mirren, yes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Leah! Can you please let us in?!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Tony's still stuck in reception.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Shouldn't we wait for him? Cos he is the first-aider on this floor.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00He gave up that right when he left his lanyard at the launderette.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Right, brace yourselves.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Escape. Conceal.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Fight back. I will do the latter, because that's what I'm trained to do.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11If an armed perpetrator gained access here, it would be...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- "Open season".- Well, that's not going to happen, is it?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I mean, we sell sanitary products.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17OK, the shooter enters here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21First attack, whoever sits by the door.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- I sit by the door. - Bad luck. Boof, boof!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27So, if you haven't escaped, concealed or shat yourself by now,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29you might want to fight back.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Chairs. Printer.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The stapler defence.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, yes, this is a documented strategy.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Ten of these babies aimed at the reproductive area is no joke.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Someone stole my stapler.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, Gary, yeah.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Everyone likes a laugh, relieves the tension,
0:05:45 > 0:05:50but if anybody knows who has Gary's stapler, they can hand it in to me, OK?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54No judgment. Gary's family will thank you for it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Here's what can happen if you don't have one.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05RAPID GUNFIRE
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Today, I shall do hilarious and also side-splitting
0:06:11 > 0:06:15prank phone calls on some celebrity friends.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19So, let's see who is for it today.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Dead. Dead.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yewtree.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Dead.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, here's one.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Right... 1-2-9-4...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37IN DEEPER VOICE: Hello, is that Alan Bennett?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Yes, I know you don't like being called during The X Factor.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42But this is important.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'm from the National Theatre,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47we've been doing an audit of all the plays you've written for us,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and it seems lots of them are all about you,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53which is a touchy lazy and frankly big-headed.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55So we'd like all the money back.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58No, don't cry.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No, I'm sure you'll find another way to pay for bicycle inner tubes and
0:07:02 > 0:07:04library fines and...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Oh, dear. I may be too good at this.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's all right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Alan, it's Dame Maggie.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15So, don't... What do you mean, you knew?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, I disguised my voice.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yes, with my Oscar class acting skills.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22No, no.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You did not punk me, Alan.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Whatever that means.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I most certainly punked you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32So you can stick your hobnobs where the sun shall ne'er cast its rays.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Yes, I would be happy to meet you at Fortnum's on Sunday for tea.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Oh!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Well, that's something I shan't revisit,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47like regional theatre or a chemical toilet.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Right, just relax, and imagine you are watching fish...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Living ones, not dead ones,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01lying on a beach with flies laying little eggs in their eyes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I never want to see you again. Get the hell out.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I'm talking to the toxins in your body.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15That is what I think of that, you poxy piece of shit.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Again, I'm talking to the toxins.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I'm giving you a good pummelling,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27like I am hitting an annoying guy who works in an exhaust centre,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29who I saw flirting with a girl called Claire.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Just playing some music.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43It might impress you, it doesn't impress me.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh, my God.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Your back muscles really are rather knotty.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Oh...
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Yes. Yes, I think I've found your pressure points!
0:08:57 > 0:09:02You may just feel some cleansing drops of salted water
0:09:02 > 0:09:05falling on your back.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Now...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17You are going to feel a Hawaiian massage...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20which is rather more specialised.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Now I'm just going to leave you to relax for a mo.
0:09:31 > 0:09:39And if you hear any sounds, it is both normal and in your imagination.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, that's it!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55There. That is perfect for a human rights conference in Inverness.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Nothing too sex machine.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00We don't want Angelina Jolie to feel like the frumpster again.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Ja. Oh, it is freezing.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05What about my human rights to feel warm in August?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Scotland should have a referendum about that.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10PHONE RINGS
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Ja?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh. OK.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Hold on one moment, I'll just check my diary.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- What is it?- Nicola Sturgeon. - Oh! What does she want?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28To know what shade of beige I am wearing so she can copy it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And the poufy hair and the boxy jackets.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34It is so obvious that she's trying to flatter me into being her friend.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But it is creepy.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Who wants a friend who is ein doppelganger?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I have enough trouble with Hillary Clinton.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44She says her make-up artist is stuck in a snowdrift.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45She wants me to do her.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It's hard to say no, she is on the phone.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And Scotland has been through the mincer more times than a Burns night
0:10:51 > 0:10:53haggis during the last six months.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Did she just say that to you?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Ja, ja, she just said that to me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I don't know, I don't trust her.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02She's after something.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Go, go, go, go.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Tell her nothing and then come back and tell me everything.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Ja, I think that will be fine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, it is a little early for schnapps.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Just...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27KNOCK ON DOOR
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Birgit, so good of you to come.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Deep-fried Highland fudge?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Um, no, thank you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40So, what can I do for you?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Which jacket do you think is the most boxy?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Um... That one.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And could you make my hair a wee bit more poufy?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Yeah, of course.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53And maybe a little beige on the cheeks.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Or any shade, you know.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58What shade is Angela wearing just now?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Oh, you like Angela's style, ja?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, aye, it's served her very well.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It has made her the most powerful woman in Europe.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10But you and I both know, Birgit, that nothing lasts for ever.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14And soon the world will need someone else to fill those sexy court shoes.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You? What do you think of these?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Frau Sturgeon!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26You are the Chancellor behind the Chancellor, Birgit.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I need you to achieve my dream.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32But I could never leave Angela.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Merkel is finished.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36She is yesterday's woman.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You saw what I did to Alex Salmond.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I want you to work for me, Birgit.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41I'll look after you.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44You live in only the nicest parts of Glasgow
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and drink the finest Irn-Bru.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I really should be going.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I've got a job interview. Wish me luck.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'm sure you'll be fine.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I've always wanted to work in a play centre.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12I know.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Shoes are a bit much.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23You made me two hours late for my annual review this morning, Leah.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You know, you've been very tense with your co-workers lately, Jasmine.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I recommend a full psychological evaluation, cos this is how it starts, mate.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33How what starts?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Right, everyone down on the floor!
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Now! Get down!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39EVERYONE SCREAMS
0:13:39 > 0:13:41WHISPERING: We're in a code black. Everyone, focus.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Now, the three of you, there is a clear path to the storeroom. When you get there, Rachel,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48climb out of the lavatory window and you are going to raise the alarm.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- But that window is tiny.- I've got your biometric measurements.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Trust me, you fit. OK...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Move!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56And may your God go with you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13SHE SCREAMS
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Do you know what I'm having for my lunch?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23A smoothie. I made it in my smoothie maker.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yeah. It's got kale in it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27It's got apple in it. It's got flaxseed in it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28You can put anything in it. Mmmm...
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You can put spinach in it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31You can put banana in it.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32You could put cashews in it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33You could put grapes in it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Yeah. You can put chard in it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Oh, hi. Yeah, it was just a query about the estimates that you'd sent through.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I just wondered, do they...?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45LOUD WHIRRING
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I'm just making one for you. It's got spinach in it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It's got fig in it. It's got pear in it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54You can put anything in it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Great. Thanks.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I'll... I'll drink it later.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I'm so sorry about that.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04No, it was nothing important.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06So, back to the estimates.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Do you think that included input...?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11LOUD WHIRRING
0:15:11 > 0:15:12I'm just making your pudding.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well? What did she say?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Not much.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Did she talk about me?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- Not really.- Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all,
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Ja.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- Was ist das?- She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51It's very clever.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Do you want it for your collection?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57No.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00What else did she give you?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I think she might have offered me a job.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05What?!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Angela! Please!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23KNOCKING
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Open up!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Nein, this is not room service!
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Why are you wearing my jacket?!
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Hello? Anybody home?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh! Hey, Buddy.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Hello!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01# The weekend's here, my work is done
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# Some family time, some family fun
0:17:05 > 0:17:09# But I might as well be on my own
0:17:09 > 0:17:15# Cos the lights are on but nobody's home
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# My son speaks a language I don't understand
0:17:19 > 0:17:23# He's king of a country in some made up land
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Assassin's Creed and Destiny
0:17:26 > 0:17:30# Resident Evil is living with me
0:17:30 > 0:17:33# He's living in a virtual reality
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# But what happens if he turns the computer on me?
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# He thinks it's fantastic
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# This world made of plastic
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# But in my wallet and in my soul
0:17:47 > 0:17:51# All that's left is one big hole!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54# He's got it all, and then some
0:17:54 > 0:17:58# But no room left for his poor mum
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# I remember when it was David and me
0:18:02 > 0:18:06# Nowadays, it's turned into David and i!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10# iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iPaid
0:18:10 > 0:18:13# Hoping, maybe, I'd get iLaid!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15# Now he likes things hands free
0:18:15 > 0:18:16# And so he never touches me
0:18:16 > 0:18:20# And Siri seems to be the only one who'll ever talk to me... #
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I'm sorry, I don't understand that command.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Aaargh!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# He thinks it's fantastic
0:18:27 > 0:18:31# This world made of plastic
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# And what about my daughter?
0:18:33 > 0:18:34# She's a millionairess
0:18:34 > 0:18:38# Four times logger, blogger, Twitter trending success
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# OMG! What about me?
0:18:41 > 0:18:46# She's just called security
0:18:46 > 0:18:50# She thinks it's fantastic
0:18:50 > 0:18:53# This world made of plastic
0:18:53 > 0:18:56# She's a teenage YouTube queen
0:18:56 > 0:19:00# Set to retire at 17
0:19:00 > 0:19:03# Is it me? Am I the freak?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07# I miss the time when we'd just speak
0:19:10 > 0:19:14# Finally, we're a family! #
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Mum!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Mum!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Oi! - DOG BARKS AND WHINES
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Bernice, what greetings do you want on your West End theatre Christmas cards? Kenneth Branagh?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Love.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Elaine Paige?- Love.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Andrew Lloyd Webber?- No love.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Sherry, Sherry, Sherry.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Here's my tea meeting, go away, you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Don't you want me to stay and write down what's said?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43No, Sherry, all respect, moronic.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Anna! Over here, darling.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Hi, you must be Bernice Ruben.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I saw you in your play, you were gorgeous up there on that stage.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Completely unrecognisable.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I love your coat.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- What is it?- Beast.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Beast?- I don't know.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I wasn't there when they shot it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05OK, so tell me about you.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07How come I've never heard of you?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I wasn't aware of being reclusive.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Funny. Funny is money.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19So, you don't know me, because you don't travel in bigger circles,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22but I'm an American theatre producer,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and I take London shows to New York,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28and I want to move your show to Broadway.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32That's wonderful.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I love a musical.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, no, it's not a musical.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37I wish you were in it more.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Well, it's A Midsummer Night's Dream,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43so there are only so many scenes that Titania can be in.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Oh, it's Shakespeare.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Public domain.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49We'll get one of my New York gay boy writers to re-arrange it a little.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And I'd like to bring in someone new for the score.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Who did your version?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Felix Mendelssohn.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- The composer.- We can do better.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Really?- We should amp up the cast.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05In London, I brought over David Schwimmer as Oedipus Rex.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Oh! He had such a range.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11He played neurotic, dejected and then a little more neurotic, dejected.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I brought over the cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20His name is Al Molinaro, but nobody knows that, so I put on the poster,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23"The cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman." Oi!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Prince Philip was at the standby window, hoping for a ticket.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Sorry, Bernice, could I just...?
0:21:30 > 0:21:35You have seen my production of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream using
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Mendelssohn's original music.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41You now want to change the script, throw out the score,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and replace the cast with inappropriate actors.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Is there anything you'd like to keep?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, you. You're very talented right now.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54- The title?- Midsummer, all caps, exclamation point.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57OK, Bernice, I'm so sorry,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I have dreamed all my life of playing Broadway,
0:22:01 > 0:22:08but I cannot disregard my ideas about taste and quality.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12We of the British theatre are a different breed of cat.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Gross or net?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Net.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I knew it! I knew it! You're a doll.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34All right, perimeter secure!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37ALARM BLARES
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Amazing, Leah. That disgruntled employee guy didn't know what hit him.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Did anybody see which direction he went in when he jumped out of the window?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45No, we didn't see which direction he went in,
0:22:45 > 0:22:50but he did leave this card which says, "Happy birthday, Leah."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Surprise, Leah. We wanted to get you something you'd really like.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Jasmine suggested a stripper, but we thought this would be much better.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Was that OK? It's normally wall-to-wall hen parties,
0:23:00 > 0:23:01so this was quite a challenge.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great, yeah. Thanks.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08And it is all on the canteen security cameras,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and I've asked them to make you a copy.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Does anyone have a staple remover?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Hello. Are you cold? Would you like a cup of tea?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26No, I'd like a shag.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Shag, late old English, meaning rough matted hair.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It's related to the Norwegian, Skeg.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I once skegged Warren Beatty, you know.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Famed Hollywood lothario.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41These days, I couldn't get a fumble in a funfair.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Dr Germaine Greer.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Old woman. They've written me off, consigned me to intellectual purgatory,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50just because I got old and because I kept shouting
0:23:50 > 0:23:53that lopping off your dick didn't make you a woman.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And now they've taken away my freedom pass.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING
0:23:57 > 0:24:01That's right, Jenny. He wouldn't have looked at me like that 20 years ago.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02What is it, the grey pubic hair?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Or the fact that my nipples are on my hips?
0:24:05 > 0:24:10I'm still in here, you know, in my halterneck and my cunsters.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12That's Australian for short denim shorts.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18Yes, I was the cause of much mental masturbation in my day,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and now I'm invisible.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Silenced.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26No-one can hear my voice, you probably barely know I'm here.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28I'll get the tube.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Thank you so much for asking me to do a reading.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I love John Betjeman.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I can't believe...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42She's gone. I know.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I can't find the words either.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Well, I'll go and talk to the vicar.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55# Here's the story of a late life romance
0:24:55 > 0:24:59# 'Twixt a beauty and a very cutesy guy
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# But his kids were kind of tricky
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# Cos they wanted all his cash when he died
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# The Murdoch Bunch
0:25:08 > 0:25:14# The Murdoch Bunch, that's the way we all became the Murdoch Bunch.#
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Coffee and cookies.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- I'm bored.- So am I.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Oh, liven up, you miserable bunch of lugs.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Why don't we all play a board game?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Quality family time, y'all.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31After all, the media conglomerate dynasty that plays together,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33stays together.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35How about a game of Murdoch-opoly?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I'm in. Bagsy I get to be the top hat.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Now, James, you're the motor car.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Lachlan, you're the battleship.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Georgie, you can be the little doggy.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Elizabeth, you can be the wheelbarrow.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51And Prudence, you're the old boot.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55And I am the silver pussy.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You can say that again.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Pussy.- Again.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Pussy.- Meow!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- I'm the banker.- Not on your Nelly.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Booyah! I own that.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I own that. And I own that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Right. I win.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Game over.- Now, Rupie,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I say we're going to play with good old Texas values of decency,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18respect and manners.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- I'm out.- Me too.- Yeah, me too.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Kids, do what your latest mother says!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25OK, I'll go first.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Fleet Street, let's scrub that out for a start.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Oh, you have been elected chairman of the board.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No way! That's totally unfair, dad!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33You promised that to me, dad!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Lachlan is chairman of the board.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- What?!- I'm not Lachlan, I'm James.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Well, how am I supposed to know?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Remind me, which one of you two boys fucked up News International?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45BOTH: He did.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49I'm in jail.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51No way. You are not going to jail.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- Neither am I.- Nor me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55We'll get Andy Colson to go for you.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Yay, I've inherited £100.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Dad!- Dad!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I've had enough of this!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Come on, Jerry. Twerp for me.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07It's called twerking, Rupie.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Whatever it is, just do it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It makes my willy go all fizzy.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13That's the ticket.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Boys, show your new mother some respect.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Put some cash in her bra.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Oh, that's it.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Family bonding time, y'all.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Good day, Leah?- Yeah.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Showed them the "escape, conceal, fight back" video.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Foiled an attack. Got a selfie with the perpetrator.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Well, I say perpetrator...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42It was only a drill. It was kind of a drill, you know.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- I didn't know you had arranged a drill.- Well, I hadn't.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47It was a prank/drill.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- A prank?- Don't they have any idea?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I would rather they didn't have any idea, you know.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54It's what I do, isn't it? Take the flak, cos they can't.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Oh! Almost forgot.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Ta-dah!
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Eh?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Happy birthday, mate.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Oh, mate! Yeah.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- What did you wish for? - Same as always. A safer world.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Want to play escape, conceal, fight back?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22You're on.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Three, two, one...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29SHE YELLS