0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Coming soon to BBC One, documentaries to put you off your dinner.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10The king's syphilis was so bad that he had open, running sores
0:00:10 > 0:00:14pouring with pus that would pop like bubble wrap
0:00:14 > 0:00:17every time that he crossed his legs.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21The following year, plague swept the country,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24causing open, putrid, festering sores,
0:00:24 > 0:00:29all over the groin area and genitals of...
0:00:29 > 0:00:32The Middle Ages, in quite unnecessary detail.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35One of the crew's been sick again.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36All right.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# And basically I'm still doing the same show
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end
0:00:49 > 0:00:54# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# Tracey Ullman Show
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Tracey Ullman's Show, Let's go. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:14So, while my time in America isn't directly relevant,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18I think it gives me an extra layer of experience to draw on.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Absolutely. That's very impressive.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I hope I'm not blowing my own trumpet too much here.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25If I had a trumpet this good, I'd be blowing it nonstop.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Look, I think we're done here.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Obviously, I can't say anything official right now,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31but you should expect a phone call.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Thank you, I just find it so difficult to boast on my CV.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36It's just that as a Christian, I...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Oh.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39What?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- You're a...- Christian?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Yeah, OK...
0:01:43 > 0:01:44- Is that a...?- No, not at all.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You don't seem to mention it anywhere here.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Well, why would I?- No, fair point.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I'm not planning to run your polymer factory along biblical lines(!)
0:01:54 > 0:01:56No... Could you give me a second, please?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Denise, may I borrow you for a second,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I'm just interviewing Patricia Hughes here.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Oh, Patricia, how wonderful to meet you.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Do you know, we're all so excited that you've applied for this role,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14it's really very flattering when someone of your calibre...
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Oh...- Yeah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- OK...- There is a problem with me being a Christian, isn't there?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Absolutely not...
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Legally speaking.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26But you both seem uncomfortable for some reason,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28do you think that it makes me untrustworthy?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29- No.- No.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Incompetent?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32A bit weird?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34I see...
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Well, in that case, I'll just withdraw my application.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Oh, now...
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It's funny, isn't it, it's been perfectly normal
0:02:41 > 0:02:44to be a Christian in this country for the last 1,500 years or so.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- But now, well... - Really sorry about this.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's fine, I forgive you.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Lucky escape.- What a nutter.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and my agent said it was this
0:03:07 > 0:03:10or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen
0:03:10 > 0:03:12of the Geordie persuasion.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17So today I'm giving you my top tips for actors.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Make sure your character walks with a cane,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24then just before they shout action, hit the other actor, smartly,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28on the shins, this guarantees that you'll act better than them,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29which is the whole point.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Sometimes young actors say, "Oh, Dame Maggie,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"such a thrill to work with you, I love doing this, or that,"
0:03:38 > 0:03:42then one must say, "Why, thank you. And what have you been in?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And they will tell you and you say,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"Oh, I saw that..."
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Followed by a long pause.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53You'll find they leave you alone after this.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Never ever do an outdoor sex scene in Scotland after September 3rd.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02And that's everything about acting,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05tomorrow's top tips will be on changing the magenta cartridge
0:04:05 > 0:04:08in a Brother HL 3150 printer.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Good day.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18Hello, I like the view from here, fix me up a flat white,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and I'll have one of those pastries.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23But only if they taste as good as you.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Name on cup?- Greg.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36# Li-i-i-i-i-fe
0:04:36 > 0:04:40# Is good
0:04:40 > 0:04:44# It feels the way you know it sho-ould
0:04:44 > 0:04:49# I'm so happy, puppies and rainbows and kittens pass by
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# I wave to them, they all say hi
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# Hi-i-i-i-i... #
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Going to have to stop you there, Adele,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01we need to go from the top and make it a bit moodier.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Moodier?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yeah, a bit less puppies and rainbows,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08a bit more, you know, Adele.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11No pressure, angel, but mood, mood, mood, OK?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Yeah, but it's a happy song.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I know it is, all your new songs are happy.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yeah, that's cos I am happy.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I've got me bubba, I've got me fella.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I'm happier than a bloomin' Disney Princess
0:05:23 > 0:05:26in a bouncy bleedin' castle, ain't I?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29How do we sell records, Adele?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Oh, don't do this to me. Oh, bleedin' 'ell.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33How did you feel when you wrote your first album?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I was devastated, I was gutted, I was disappointed.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37And we won best new artist.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What did you tap into when you wrote the follow-up?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43A heartbreak that kept me in bed for six weeks.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I didn't shampoo me barnet...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46That's Barnet Fair, hair.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I didn't brush me Hampsteads...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Hampstead heath, teeth.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54And all I could eat was Penguin bars dipped in Nutella.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yeah, Double-Choc Penguins
0:05:56 > 0:05:58equals the bestselling album of the 21st-century.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You know we're going to have to go there again, Adele.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03All right, all right,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I can get there, just give me a minute.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Where's all me photos?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I had Terry delete them all.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Even me screensaver of the baby with the shampoo horns?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Gone.- But I love looking at that, that's not fair.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You've made me go all sad now.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That's it, hold that feeling, let's cement it.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Terry, call Carl now.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh. No, no, don't make me go there.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Destination?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Tottenham Hale Retail Park.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Fuck a duck.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, Bernice, Sir Richard Appleworth is here
0:06:43 > 0:06:45from the UK Charities Commission.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Would you like me to stay and take notes?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51No, Sherry, no. Go, go, go, manipulate. Manipulate.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Oh, and Sherry, you need to get me a top-notch Royal
0:06:54 > 0:06:55for our charity gala.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Now, don't let them palm us off with this Duke of Kent...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01He looks like the tsar that was shot with all the kids, it's creepy.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Go, go, go, manipulate.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Sir Richard, yoo-hoo, over here, over here.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Do I have to curtsy? - Of course not.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12So you get a knighthood over here by kissing some asses and
0:07:12 > 0:07:14raising money for the riff raff, right?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17That's what I do in New York and nobody calls me a lady.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You want Earl Grey?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Spit from heaven.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26My ministers think we should swap ideas.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah, right, I know all the tricks,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I went to a charity gala for an incurable kids' disease here
0:07:32 > 0:07:34the other night, and your auctioneer,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38he let a hot-air balloon trip over Peter-bo-roe
0:07:38 > 0:07:40go for under a thousand guineas?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Oh, my God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45In New York we would have had the sick kids
0:07:45 > 0:07:48circling, circling the table.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You know, in the wheelchairs, drooling,
0:07:50 > 0:07:51with the breathing tubes...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You know, guilt!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You've got to guilt these people out.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I just think it's so exploitative.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Exploitation equals donations.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03We seem to have different approaches...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07You know, something else you want to steer clear of in this business,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10any charity to do with gastrointestinal...
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Urgh. It's a tough sell, trust me, Madonna and I have tried.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yeah. So what's your next gig, what's your next event, talk to me,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- talk to me. - It's a new charity.- Yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And it's called Opportunities for the Young.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26It's something Princes William and Harry are putting together.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh! Shut up!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31You got Royals? Real ones?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Sherry, Sherry, get over here, I love this man,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35get him tickets for a Broadway show,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39you can give him Sarah Jessica Parker's private phone number.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Can I get a ticket for this? - Yes, of course.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yeah, OK. We could trade some auction items,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47give him the dinner for 100 in Downton Abbey
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and the one-night stand with Jude Law.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Really?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54No, I'm kidding, look at his face.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You were thinking of bidding on that one, you public schoolboys.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Lucy, I need an extra ticket for the gala.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Yes. Give her a special seat.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Table 91. Perfect.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Thank you.- Top tier?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Absolutely. It's been most enlightening meeting you, erm...
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Bernice, Bernice. All right. Well, ta ta for now, Dickie.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Asshole.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Looking back now, I know what I should have done with my life.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, Mum, you shouldn't...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I should have looked at more clickbait articles
0:09:31 > 0:09:33about celebrities with fat thighs.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Mum, we love you, and...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39When they're on the beach and the backs of their knees
0:09:39 > 0:09:41look like little bums.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45When it says, "You won't believe photo number seven,"
0:09:45 > 0:09:47promise me you'll always click on it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Here you are. It's Kerry Katona,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and she's piled on the pounds since the exercise video.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Oh, you're an angel.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Look at that arse, good Lord.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- You can zoom in like that. - Oh, why a thong, why? Why a thong?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06It won't be long now.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yeah, yeah, this is where he finished with me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23And we had like a huge bull and cow.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- A row.- And then... And then...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Quick, Terry, get the recorder. - Not now, love.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Adele's trying to remember how it is to feel like shit.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34And then he just threw the tray up in the air,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and all this falafel was like coming down one me,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40all bits falling in me hair, and everyone was looking at me.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- And then, and then... - And then what, Adele?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46# I'm falling
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# I'm fall, falling
0:10:48 > 0:10:51# And when I stop falling, then... #
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Oh, Paul, look at me hands!
0:10:53 > 0:10:58# I start falling, fall, falling
0:10:58 > 0:11:00# I'm falling all over again... #
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Oh, Paul, I feel like shit.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04This is great!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06# Woo-o-o-oo... #
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- PHONE RINGS - Oh!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Hello, bubba, it's mama!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13SHE CACKLES
0:11:13 > 0:11:16What you doing then? You're watching Peppa Pig?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18How does he go? Yeah, he goes... What? He goes...
0:11:18 > 0:11:19SHE OINKS
0:11:19 > 0:11:20SHE CACKLES
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He's a genius, my kid.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yeah, let me talk to the nanny.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yeah, you might as well switch it off, Terry.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27She's good for sod all, now.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Hey, Daniel, I'm Lindy, your Uber driver, 2.8 stars.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Well, it was 3.8, but it turns out you lose a star
0:11:48 > 0:11:50for driving the wrong way up the M1, who knew?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53There's been a mistake, I'll rebook, it's fine.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57You don't want to do that, they've gone to surge prices.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00No, it'll be cheaper to buy a car. Well, this one, anyway.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Jump in.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Get off, get off.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I said stop fighting or I'll chuck you off the overpass!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19So where are we going, sweetheart?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Robin Hood Airport. Should be on the app.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Oh, I just follow the blue line,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26do what I'm told, Magical Mystery tour, eh?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I have to be there by six.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Do planes leave at a particular time, then?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yes.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Just sit back and relax.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Jake, give the man a complimentary sweet.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Why pay childcare when you don't have to, Daniel?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45It's like car insurance, strictly optional.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48What sort of thing do you like listening to, Daniel?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50We've got Wheels On The Bus,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53or the audio book of the Gruffalo.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Gruffalo!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Are you playing £25 for this journey, little lady?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I don't think so.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Wheels On The Bus, coming up.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06# The-e-e-e wheels on the bus... #
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Come on, Daniel, let yourself go.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Really good session, guys.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19SHE TUTS
0:13:23 > 0:13:25SHE WHISTLES
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Wow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What a day...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- What?!- You've dragged it out of me, Yvonne.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Only turns out he's got a secret bank account.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39He calls it a rainy-day fund,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43more like sunny day in the Bahamas with the yoga teacher fund.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46But... But, what he doesn't know...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48No, no, no, we've been through this,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I am not comfortable with you sharing confidential
0:13:50 > 0:13:53patient information with me. It's not ethical.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yeah, no, ethics, ethics. That's a good call.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58That is a good call. A good call, Yvonne, yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I think it'd be all right if you guessed.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07She's got a toy boy?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Oh. Sugar daddy?- Yeah, spot on.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12So he's hoovering...
0:14:12 > 0:14:15She's on a train?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Disco dancer!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Building a cabinet!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21She's carrying something heavy?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Something slippery...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- He's dead!- No!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30While he's carrying on with the yoga teacher,
0:14:30 > 0:14:31she's had her sugar daddy
0:14:31 > 0:14:34privately funding the kids' schooling.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Why would you not get that?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, Richard and Pat,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42you've taken the brave first step in coming here today,
0:14:42 > 0:14:43please come through.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I wonder what these two have been up to.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I'll tell you later.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Oh, Paul, I mean, all right, I can't help it, it's really hard,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03getting in the mood, to write the songs now, you know.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05We've tried hanging out at the jellied-eel stall in Hoxton,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09drinking brown ale until I vomit up a Grammy, but...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11This place... Oh, my God...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I mean, look at it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Adele was really unhappy 'ere.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17This is where I was Donald Trumped.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Dumped.- I was on me George Michael.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Menstrual cycle. - And it was pissing down.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- Raining.- And I was in such terrible, terrible...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30# Misery!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# You got the best of me
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Misery
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# You really messed with me
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# Flowing like a river bringing up the past
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# Misery is here at last...#
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Yes! Go, Adele!
0:15:49 > 0:15:54# When I think of you
0:15:54 > 0:15:59# You threw our love away
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# I couldn't see a thing
0:16:04 > 0:16:09# That I would pay and pay and pay and pay
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# I walk on broken glass... #
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Look at me, I really am walking on broken glass, Paul.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19# I stumble to the floor
0:16:19 > 0:16:24# The habit's hard to break
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# But I won't go there any more
0:16:28 > 0:16:30# Misery, you got the best of me
0:16:30 > 0:16:32# Misery, you really messed with me
0:16:32 > 0:16:36# With you away I see
0:16:36 > 0:16:40# I pay, I break, I fall
0:16:40 > 0:16:44# My skin it crawls with
0:16:44 > 0:16:52# M-i-i-i-i-sery. #
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Yes!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Book our tickets to the Grammys. Terry, you're in economy.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Look at you, Amanda, you look wonderful.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Have you lost weight?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Oh, I don't know. - Are you sure you're coping in here?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'm fine.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- I tried to get you moved to an open prison.- Oh.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You know, with day release, so you could come home sometimes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No good, I'm afraid.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Bloody Home Office!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Bastards.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- How are the children? - Great, great, yeah...
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Toby's still drumming.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34- Is he?- Won't do it in the garage, though, likes to do it in his room.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Madeleine's gone vegan. Good for her health, I suppose,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39but I am making three dinners now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41With Leo not eating vegetables.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Or bread.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45You have coped so well this year.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Yes, yes. I never realised how much driving around you did.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Listen, I feel terrible about you being stuck in here.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Taking the rap for me and everything.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56It's fine, it's fine, we agreed.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It was wrong. I should never have made you lie.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Amanda, I think I'm going to tell the truth.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03No. You can't!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06You could come straight home, and I could get banged up.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You'd be disbarred! You'd never work as an accountant again.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I know, but I could retrain, I could learn a new skill in prison.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Pentonville's plumbing course is one of the best in the country.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I can't let you do it, you'd get three years.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Three years? I thought it'd only be 18 months.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Ronan and Rafferty will have left home by then,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27and if I misbehaved I'm sure they'd probably make me do the full term!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Get a grip on yourself.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31We made a plan and we're going to stick to it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33No, I'm going to confess!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You're not, you're going to man up,
0:18:36 > 0:18:37you're going to make the packed lunches,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39you're going to take them to the clarinet lessons,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and go to Peppa Pig World in the rain.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I can take it any more!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Anyway, it'd be your word against mine.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- No.- Now, I've got a pottery class to go to.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51So why don't you just run along.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54And anyway, haven't you got the twins' birthday party?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Four hours at the Wacky Warehouse?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oi! Sanders!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Any more of that, and you'll be losing all your parole.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes
0:19:10 > 0:19:14# And eyes and ears and mouth and... #
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- CAR HORN BEEPS - All right!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19The airport is sort of back that way.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We're picking up my Frank.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23It's about work-life balance, Daniel.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24I'm a mother first,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and a highly-professional Uber driver second,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and an exotic dancer third.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30You wish!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32SHE LAUGHS
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Frank, move your arse, this man is going on holiday.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It's a thermoplastics conference.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Not my idea of a holiday, but each to his own.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Budge up, Daniel, there's a love.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- You win?- Don't ask.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Oh, God, you honk, didn't you have a shower?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Showers are minging in there.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Quick, give him a coating of Lynx Africa.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I'm sorry but I'm starting to worry about my plane.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, no, hang on!
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Now, what did I need?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Dog food, bin bags, bog roll.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I'm back in two secs.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09What? No, wait!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Are you going to give Mummy five stars?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- No.- If you don't give Mummy five stars, we'll say you did things.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Is the 148 due?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, one's just left.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Oh. They threw me off it last week.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Me, Germaine Greer.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41A famous author and regular on the Newsnight Review!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Yes, they said that my views offended the driver.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46You know, the one who is in transition.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Sorry?- One of the drivers on the 148, he's a man becoming a woman,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53an M to F, as you say.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Your son, he's an M.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I assume he's a boy?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00They don't have to decide until there are at least four nowadays.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04He might want to change, especially if you live in North London.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It's always been a liberal bastion.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09That's where I met a lot of the intellectual anarchists
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I had sex with back in the day.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Like Martin Amis,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17with whom I hit the alfresco G spot on Hampstead Heath in 1972.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Mind you, I had a body back then like a Greek goddess,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25and a quim like Charlotte Rampling's on the front of Helmut Newton's
0:21:25 > 0:21:27coffee-table book.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, that's right, sir.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30I said quim.
0:21:30 > 0:21:37Slang for female genitalia, vulva, vagina, 1735, perhaps 1610s.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And you're going to say I'm being politically incorrect,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43talking about body parts in front of a young child,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47who has every right to become a trans-fluid tween.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51LGBTIQHA.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53You have to say the lot these days,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Oh, that's right, sir, I said minge, it's another word for quim,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07late 19th century, origin unknown.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Oh, it's you, M to F driver!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I was just trying to tell you last week
0:22:14 > 0:22:17before you rudely ejected me that if they required you
0:22:17 > 0:22:19to have a uterus ovary transplant,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21you'd baulk at the whole thing.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23You try being an old woman, for goodness' sake,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25who refuses to walk on eggshells!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Don't get old, that's the biggest sin of all!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It just feels so weird finally saying that out loud.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I've just been carrying it around for so long and...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Simon, can you just... I've got to do something...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I'll be right back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Yvonne! You'll never believe...
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Oh...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Yvonne! You won't believe what he's just told me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04He is secretly in love with his twin brother's wife!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06He has been for 20 years, but he's bottled it up inside
0:23:06 > 0:23:10and she's got feelings for him, too, he reckons.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12She gave him a look, Christmas '98,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and he's never told a living soul till just now.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Oh!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21That's him! That's him, there.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Good session, Simon.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Same time next week.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# Here's the story of a blended family
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# With some kids of his and some kids of her own.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42# And this lady has never been so happy
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Cos she spent far too long with a stingy Rolling Stone.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48This way.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Surprise!- Wow-ee!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55This looks bonza!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- It's date night.- Ah!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00When I asked the kids to give us a night on our own,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02they just shot out the door.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It's just goes to show how much they love us.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Oh, I feel so lucky.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I want this marriage to be going strong when we're old and wrinkled.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Hey presto, your wish is granted!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Funny. As well as sexy.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Great, my favourite.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Foie gras and Fosters.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Oh, I remember one night when I was out to dinner with Mick, oh,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and he got really mad when it came to splitting the bill
0:24:29 > 0:24:31because he hadn't had a starter and I had
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and then when I told him I'd forgotten his book
0:24:34 > 0:24:36of two-for-one coupons, he went crazy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Cos Mick sure did love a coupon!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42He couldn't have his free profiteroles that night and, oh,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44there was just hell to pay!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Mick doesn't know when he's got it good.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49That's the problem with the younger generation.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51My wonderful man mogul!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You know, if you said you were cold,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I'd wrap my arms around you.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00If you said you are thirsty,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'd give you the oceans blue.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I would give you anything.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08The moon, the stars, the sunset, too.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh, Rupert, that's so beautiful!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Apparently, Hugh Grant left that message on some hooker's voicemail.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18You're kidding?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oh, yeah.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Happy date night, Sweetie!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Bottoms up.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Oh, well, let's just have dinner first.- Oh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Would you like a drink, Nicola?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It is sundown, the cocktail hour,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37though it's hard to see through our thick Scottish mist.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I'll have an Arbroath Kiss, if you're making.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What's an Arbroath Kiss?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45One part whiskey, one part Irn Bru,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47with a big piece of smoked haddock floating in it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50You know, wee Mhairi,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52it's not easy being a Scottish woman with a vision.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56You have to stand tall in the face of mocking English voices.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You have to hold on to your dream.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05There you go. Shaken, not stirred.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15# Referendum-dum-dum
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# For a Scottish kingdom-dom
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# Nearly won the last one-one
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# We were robbed, we were done-done-done-done
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Refer-endum
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# When I was a bairn
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# In a wee little tartan kilt
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# I knew that our proud nation should be rebuilt
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# We know you did, we know you did we know you did... #
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Away and boil your heid.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# Then I grew up and I let out a cry
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# It's time for the world to live and och aye
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Live and och aye
0:26:54 > 0:26:57# It's the Isle of Skyefall
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# Shortbread finger
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# From Kirkcaldy with love
0:27:04 > 0:27:05SHE SHIVERS
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# Nobody knits it better
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# A beautiful Fair Isle sweater
0:27:13 > 0:27:19# A dried haggis lasts forever
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# Right now, Scotland's just a wee small land
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# But I'm going to make it a global brand
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# With oat cakes, salmon, Irn Bru but best of all
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# I want a worldwide Edinburgh Festival
0:27:34 > 0:27:39# Worldwide Edinburgh worldwide Edinburgh Festival
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Scotland has given the world William Wallace,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Alexander Bell, Rabbie Burns,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55The Proclaimers!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56And in my future global Scotland,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00each child will receive free bagpipes!
0:28:00 > 0:28:06England will be turned into a two-million-hole golf course,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08with extended parking!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13Spread our humble Isle across the nation!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Alex Salmond!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Whiskey!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Golf!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Scotland's fantastic, Nicola.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29But you didn't mention the oil?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- Don't talk about that just now, Mhairi.- But...
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Shut it.