0:00:02 > 0:00:05Coming soon to BBC One, the latest in our documentary series,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Why On Earth Would I Want To Watch That?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10When I first started working at the mortuary,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I thought, "I just can't do this."
0:00:13 > 0:00:16It eats away at your soul every day.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20And it's been like that for nigh on 30 years.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Oh, God.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26That's Winter at the Morgue, later on BBC One.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# And, basically, I'm still doing the same show
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# I did in my mother's bedroom
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# And I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:46 > 0:00:47# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:50 > 0:00:52# Tracey Ullman
0:00:52 > 0:00:53# Tracey Ullman
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Tracey Ullman's Show
0:00:59 > 0:01:00# Let's go. #
0:01:00 > 0:01:04This programme contains some strong language
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Right, Charlotte, you young filly.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Mummy and Daddy are skiing in the bally Caribbean or something,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14so looks like it's just you and me for the day.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Do you vape?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No, no. I don't blame you.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's not a patch on the real thing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25SHE SIGHS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I'm not good with girls.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I much prefer boys.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Boys are like dogs - they just need food and exercise.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Girls are a bloody nightmare.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Dollies.- Dollies?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh. Oh, all right.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Well, let's get all your dollies, shall we?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51And, erm...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53we can shoot them off the fence.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- DOLL:- Oh! - Yes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Hi, a latte to go, please.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Sure thing, sir. Name on cup?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- David.- David.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Shoe size?- Sorry?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yeah, can I get your shoe size, David?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Er, 12.- 12, OK.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11First album you bought?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Er... B-B-Barry Manilow.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Name of your best lover?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- What?- Best lover, sir.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Best in the sack.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20For God's sake. Er...
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- Samantha.- Samantha.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- OK. And why?- Why?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yeah. Why would you say Samantha was the best?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Look, I'd really rather not, if that's...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- This is rush hour, sir.- Right.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Tender. She was very tender.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Great.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And your least favourite kind of deciduous tree?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Look, I've had enough. Can I just have my coffee?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42We have a lot of customers, sir.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45You know, I could just say, "David with a shoe size 12
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"who bought Barry Manilow for his first album
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"and thought Samantha was his best lover
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- "because of her tenderness, but..." - That's me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- See?- Blimey!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59OK. I suppose my least favourite deciduous tree is the elm.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00OK. Elm.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03All right, sir. Your flat white will be right up.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- It was a latte.- It was a latte?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Ah. It's the wrong sized cup.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09We have to start again.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Right. Name on cup?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16# Here's the story of a Texan beauty
0:03:16 > 0:03:21# Who had snagged the finest mogul in the land
0:03:21 > 0:03:24# She had legs just like a racehorse
0:03:24 > 0:03:28# He's in his 80s and a very horny man. #
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Hey, kids! Because we have so many new members of our blended family,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37your daddy/stepdaddy and I thought,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"Hey, let's get everyone together for a family photo!"
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Oh, Rupes!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'm not sure about these trousers, Jerry.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48My balls are sweating like mozzarella in a bag.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, you look great!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Look at that tight little tushie.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You're such a hipster.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56We're going to have to get you a tattoo.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Yeah! Little pic of you with your puppies out.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- The photographer's here!- Jerry?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Hey, Dean.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oi! Get your sticky mitts off her.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Nobody touches my bird.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Oh, Rupert. This is my great friend, Dean.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Ah!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Well in that case, pleased to meet you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Any friend of Jerry's is a friend of mine.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Have him followed.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26OK, y'all. Let's all set up for the photo.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Come and sit on my knee, sweetie.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Not you bunch of sad sacks, I meant Jerry!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Christ, I can't even get a semi in these strides.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Now, everybody sit in order of importance.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Piss off, James.- I'm not going at the back!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Stop pushing, you ugly cow!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Hey, kids!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Quit that, or somebody's going to get smacked.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Or disinherited.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- All ready?- We are family!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57ALL: We are family!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I need you all to look a little more cheerful.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Think about what makes you happy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05ALL: Money!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Dad dying.- Who said that?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11MONITOR BEEPS
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Oh, I'm slipping away now.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's OK. I've had a wonderful life.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I only have one regret.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Oh, but, Mum, you shouldn't...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I wish I'd watched more structured reality shows.
0:05:27 > 0:05:33Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea, Towie, but no...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I wasted so much time starting a charity for homeless children.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What a fool I was.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Have I got time to watch Cake Boss?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's on in five minutes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I think just about.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48It won't be long now.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Yes, bull's-eye!
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Right. Got to go, some ruddy charity nonsense.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00SHE SIGHS
0:06:02 > 0:06:03CHARLOTTE CRIES
0:06:05 > 0:06:07All right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Well, you can come along too, then.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Giddy-up!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Of course, I get all the crappy charities, too.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Diana got land mines.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19What do I get? Chiropodists.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Mind you, when my toenails grew through my welly boot,
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I did get free treatment
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and you can't argue with that, can you, Charlotte?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Charlotte?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Oh!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Better get you in the car
0:06:40 > 0:06:42or the health and safety nuts will be after me.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49She's heading to the beer garden. Marcus, have you got a clear shot?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50If I need one, yeah.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Lydia, can you make the drop?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- I'll try. - 'Trying's not good enough.'
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Do you want to sleep at night?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57'Do it.'
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Tracking device positioned.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00She's paying for the drinks with a TSB debit.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It was used three weeks ago in Portugal.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Find the hotel, search it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Check every transaction she's made in the last six months.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Quite a big team on this one, Carla.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Who are we watching?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Well, if you have to ask... - Yes, I do.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14A female. A UK national.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16And she's your son's new girlfriend, isn't she?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Is she actually a security risk?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23If I say she is, then she is, and I say she is.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- I have a strand of her hair. - Great, DNA the bitch!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Carla! How old is your Timothy now?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- 22.- So he's old enough to make his own choices, isn't he?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- Well...- Which might mean sometimes making some of his own mistakes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Not that this woman appears to have ever done anything wrong.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Well, we can't say that for sure yet.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Why don't we gently stand everyone down?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Before the minister rings and asks
0:07:43 > 0:07:45why we've got 22 highly trained agents
0:07:45 > 0:07:47tracking a dental nurse from King's Lynn.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Is she from King's Lynn? She's from King's Lynn.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Search King's Lynn!- Carla!
0:07:52 > 0:07:53All right.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Maybe this is inappropriate use of resources.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'll reassign the team...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00once we have some better intel.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05All right, now, now. I'll do it now.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Good lass.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Code 12, code 12, go, go, go, go!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18'Call Brize Norton. Tell them to warm up the jet.'
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Somebody just won a trip to Cuba.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Mum!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and this is my vlog,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36which I believe is short for "venerable lady offers guidance".
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Today, I'm giving you my tried-and-tested make-up tips.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46My first tip is to become a double Oscar-winning actress and then
0:08:46 > 0:08:49you can just sit in a chair while a darling homosexual
0:08:49 > 0:08:52called Frederico works miracles.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56But that isn't possible for everyone, apparently.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00So, brummymermaid74...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03That's a ridiculous name. Were your parents on the sherry?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06..says, "How do I get a smoky eye?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Well, the answer is you spend an evening with Ollie Reed
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and Richard Harris in 1971.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Smoky eye, smoky tongue, smoky every nook and cranny, dear.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23Goonersforeverhelen says, "I want to look like Kim Kardashian..."
0:09:23 > 0:09:28And that's as much of your letter as I am going to read
0:09:28 > 0:09:30before setting light to it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36And finally, iheartmattdamon says,
0:09:36 > 0:09:41"It takes me ages to take off my make-up every night. What can I do?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Well, get married, dear,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47and you won't have to bother putting it on in the first place.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, at least for those two years before the divorce.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Do you know what I'm having for my lunch?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I've gone paleo, so I'm eating meat and plants.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58The full hunter-gatherer.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You do know the average life span of a caveman was 32?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12There's no right or wrong way to do mindfulness,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16so don't be worrying about being bad at it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Ignore that ever-present fear
0:10:18 > 0:10:21that's stopping you from doing so much in life.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22BABY CRIES
0:10:22 > 0:10:26And that is the relaxing sound of a baby
0:10:26 > 0:10:31that's come out of its nap a bit early.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34The sound of a baby crying is so very soothing,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37as has been agreed by scientists.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I'm introducing some new aromas to the room.
0:10:41 > 0:10:47There's a...yellow aroma, and some brown aromas,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50very brown, and very...
0:10:51 > 0:10:52..runny.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Oh!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Just applying a pressure pack.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Right.
0:11:09 > 0:11:16And use a circular motion with some light pummelling.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Yes.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20And... Oh.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Just sprinkling some scented water on you.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Quite a long sprinkle.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28This treatment is complimentary, by the way.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Bernice, I have some TV Bafta congratulations cards
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- for your personalise. - Yeah, fire away, Sherry.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37OK. Graham Norton.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Love.- Jonathan Ross.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No love!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Tony Hall, BBC director-general.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45With sympathy.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh, your 3pm is here.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Graham Pikestaff about the co-production.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Sherry, go, go. Go away, you're daunting me.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54How nice to meet you!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Bernice, I'm so glad we could meet before you return to New York.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yeah, yeah. I love the BBC, oh, my God.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Oh, my God, such class, you know? Would you like a finger sandwich?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04No, no, fine, thank you.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05No. Your accent is gorgeous!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Thank you.- Yeah, I love you BBC boys.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Did you go to that Oxbridge school?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Er, well, yes. - Yeah, yeah, I knew it!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14You all go there, right?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yeah. Did you all, like, hang out in the rec room and say,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Hey, you can run the news, you can do the...", you know?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I'm so glad you're interested in a co-production project,
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Miss Rubin. I've been developing the Vasco da Gama story for many years.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It's tragic that such a great explorer should go uncelebrated.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Yeah. Graham, I've got to stop you there,
0:12:34 > 0:12:35cos I've got to tell you something.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39The script, you know, the stuff on the boat? It's boring!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Yeah. You know, let's get Julian Fellowes, you know the Downton guy?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We'll get him to punch it up,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48put in a little below-decks action with a galley girl.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- We could look into that.- OK, OK.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Eat! Eat!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53- Oh.- Please, please.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Come on, you guys, I know you don't got expenses,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58it's tough times at your Auntie Beeb, right?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You know, I mean, I watch that Bake Off show,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03you're always getting that old blonde broad to do her own shopping.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Is it Mary Berry?- Mary Berry.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07All the time with the schlepping and the chopping
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and the close-ups of the hands.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11That's unappetising, you know?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's unsanitary, it's unappetising.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16We want to do that show in the States, yeah.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18We're going to get an old hostess, too.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Really?- Brooke Shields.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- She's not that old, is she? - Oh, trust me,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25in America, Graham, she's considered a real mercy hump.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's not really my department. I develop drama.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Could I just clarify, Bernice,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32you want to co-finance my drama project,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35but Vasco da Gama needs a love interest on board?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Yeah. You want Julian Fellowes to rewrite the script...
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Yeah! And I want the Mrs Brown format for Caitlyn Jenner,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44because transgender is huge right now.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Brendan O'Carroll?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No, he's not transgender.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What? I think you're missing a trick there, Graham.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I mean, he may just be waiting for somebody to pay for the surgery
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and film it. You can only ask!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You could get a deal with your NHS.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well, it's been very good to meet you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Here, take this back to the office.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I know you guys are hungry back there.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Sherry, Sherry, bring a doggy bag. - Please, I'm fine.- Here you go.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07No, you can do me a favour.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Really?- I want two tickets for Wimbledon.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Wimbledon? No. That's not my department, either.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Well, talk to your friend from Oxbridge in the sports department.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I want two seats in the royal box with tushie pads for men's final
0:14:20 > 0:14:22or any of the Russian girls.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25My husband, he loves to hear those shiksas squeal!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Aah! Ooh! Ahh!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm really sorry, Bernice, I can't.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Sherry, put 'em in the doggy bag,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36save it for my meeting at four with Cliff Richard?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Yeah.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Asshole.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45And this is our psychiatric ward.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh. Can you smoke in here?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- I'm afraid not.- Well, no wonder they're all going mad!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Well, I...- I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- at 11am everyday. It's medicinal. - Could we offer you a tea, maybe?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Or a coffee?- No, not for me.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Some water?- I can't drink water.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oh, I'll take some of these, though.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18The horses bloody love them!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20This way.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24This is our geriatric ward.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Well, what are they all doing in here?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28They should be at home!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Well, some of them aren't able to look after themselves, so...
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Can't their butlers do it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Some of them don't have butlers.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, look at you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41You're lame. You've probably got a stone in your hoof or something.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Got my hoof pick with me, never without it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Let me just lift your fetlock.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Right. No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Nothing in there.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52If you were a horse, they'd just take you out and shoot you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53That's it.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56SHE CLICKS On you go.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Right! Well, I must crack on,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02I've got to open an underground car park in Wolverhampton.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Oh!- Oh, that's not mine!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I thought my bag was a bit heavy!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Well, I don't want to be taking that with me,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11although Charles swears that it's very, very good for the veggies,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14though he might be taking the piss.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Goodbye.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21BELLS CHIME
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Oh, I can't thank you enough for asking me to be Ella's godmother.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It means so much to me!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's our pleasure. Thanks for the baby-sitting, you know,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30walking around the park and everything.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Hey now, what our neighbours for?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34No, seriously. Couldn't have done it without you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Do you know, I've never been asked to be anyone's godmother before,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38and as a Christian, I've always wondered...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Oh, dear.- Told you she was.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Yes, all right.- Is there a problem?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Erm...
0:16:44 > 0:16:50Thing is, we kind of weren't looking at this as a religious thing.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53But it is. You've asked me to be her godmother.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yeah, but...it doesn't actually mean anything, does it?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57I mean, it's just a word, isn't it?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- We're in a church.- Well, nobody here's a Christian.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Oh, I think you'll find they are.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Really?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You're not a Christian, are you?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Well, yes. Yes, I am.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Why don't we go for a naming ceremony in the wood,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- like Sarah and Zach did?- Yeah.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Lucky escape.- Yeah. Bunch of nutters.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29And so, this is the main hub of Think Works.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Everything you'd expect from a flexible start-up incubator.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Yeah, in English, please, love. I don't speak hipster twat.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It's a shared office for small companies.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Right, well, good deskage, you know. Breakout spaces,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42places where you can break out from the breakout spaces,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45which is important for me, because I always go the extra mile.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And most of all, it's not a coffee shop.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I do believe I have died and gone to heaven.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52What sort of business do you run, Dominic?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I make apps, Disruptasaur, you've probably heard of us.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Wine Sharer, that's one of mine.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You're in a restaurant, you want some wine, but not a bottle,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01the next table's the same - boom!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Wine Sharer.- Sounds...innovative.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Yeah, I can plug this in, right? I'm on 7%.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Um...
0:18:07 > 0:18:10While I'm at it, I might just give the phone some juice.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And the shaver.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And the toothbrush. Not that I'm living in my car.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Well, if that is the quality of the talent around here, then I am sold.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24That's Melissa. She runs a women's advocacy portal.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Aaaargh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Get her away from me!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Zzz! Zzz! Zzz! Zzz!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Psycho alert! Psycho alert!
0:18:32 > 0:18:33I'm a very bad white male
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and I apologise for everything, everywhere.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Actually, I think she's an inspiration.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Well, we're going to have to agree to disagree.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42So, what's the damage on this place?
0:18:45 > 0:18:46That's per year, yeah?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Per month, plus VAT.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Right.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54But it'll pay for itself, right? This is a great environment, yeah?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56So more apps and more success.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Well, that a decision you have to make.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00But, er...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Say you inherited six grand from your mum.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04This is the best use of that money, right?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I'm not allowed to give financial advice.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Please, just tell me it'll pay for itself, cos I...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I can't go back to the coffee shop.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You know, I can't take the looks from the staff
0:19:12 > 0:19:13and the screaming kids,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16the stench of tuna melt in your hair at night, you know?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Just, I can't...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- I can't do it again.- OK.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25This is a personal opinion, but I think it WILL pay for itself.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I could kiss you, but I won't. I won't, not in the workplace.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I've been down that road before.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I'll get the paperwork in order.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34OK. Round the lead, love.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I'm a tenant now. I've got rights.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Hello, my darling!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What a day.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Ah, ma'am, you're back.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50William and Catherine will soon be arriving to pick up Charlotte.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh, buggeration!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Is there a problem?
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Oh! No, nothing. Why don't you pour me a gin, a big one?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00No tonic. And I won't be a second.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Bloody hell, wonder if I left her in the loony bin.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05DRAMATIC BAGPIPE MUSIC
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Our guest's arrived.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Ah, Mr Simon Pegg.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17SIMON GRUNTS
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Where am I? What's this all about?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Let me tell you a story, Mr Pegg,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24about a wee girl who loved Star Trek,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where
0:20:28 > 0:20:30no man had gone before was a Scot.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And then she discovered that James Doohan
0:20:37 > 0:20:40was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton
0:20:40 > 0:20:43and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45That's in Canada.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Thank you, wee Mhairi.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02What do you want from me?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring
0:21:06 > 0:21:08from the role. And then you're going to call your
0:21:08 > 0:21:12wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star
0:21:12 > 0:21:14in a film that I've written.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Braveheart 2?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Look, this is madness.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And, anyway, Tom Cruise is an American.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Ah, not when Operation Neeps and Tatties goes into effect.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Show him, Mhairi.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Here, you see Scotland.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32But, soon, things will change.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And the mainland of Scotland will be joined by...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37West Scotland.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- That's crazy!- There's more.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41East Scotland.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42North Scotland.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Don't tell me, England becomes South Scotland.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46No, that stays English.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48We've no interest in that little bit whatsoever.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51This is ludicrous. You're insane!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52You might think so,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56but I won't rest until there is a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill
0:21:56 > 0:21:58in every major capital city in the world,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" is the worldwide national anthem!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Mhairi, take Mr Pegg to his quarters
0:22:06 > 0:22:09and shout your maiden speech to Parliament in his ear,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- until he comes round to our way of thinking!- No!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17for calling me to such an important debate...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20BAGPIPES AND SCREAMING
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I know! I'm back at the BBC after 40 years.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Can you believe it, Daddy?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, they've still got our photo up!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Yeah, they're doing some sort of tribute to Top Of The Pops
0:22:31 > 0:22:35and they can't use any of the old DJs for some reason.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36I don't know.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Yeah, so they want us to spearhead it instead.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42That's right, all four of us. I've got to go to make-up.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, I hope my hot pants still fit!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47SOFT POP MUSIC
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# I'm still the unofficial boss
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# My hair gets stuck in my lip gloss
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- DEEP VOICE:- # I've put on weight and I don't give a toss
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# I've got short-term memory loss
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# Shake, shimmy, bump, boogaloo and jive
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# Cute boots, spacesuits, look, we're still alive... #
0:23:06 > 0:23:09FAST ROCK MUSIC
0:23:09 > 0:23:11# We're back, we're back
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# Tossing our hair
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# Slight trace of camel toe, but we don't care
0:23:15 > 0:23:18# Back where we want to be Back where the tea is free
0:23:18 > 0:23:20# B-b-b-back at the B
0:23:20 > 0:23:21# Back at the BB
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# Back at the BBC
0:23:29 > 0:23:32# The bands flew in and we were there to rave
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# In the Blue Peter Garden, I shagged on Patch's grave
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# An innocent time of laughter and charm
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# Before the advent of the rape alarm
0:23:44 > 0:23:45# We're back, we're back
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Tossing our hair
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# We're having a hot flush, but we don't care
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# This was the first place where I had to use Mace
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# B-b-b-back at the B
0:23:54 > 0:23:55# Back at the BB
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# Back at the BBC
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# They gave us keys to lock our door
0:24:03 > 0:24:06# We wondered at the time, "What's this for?"
0:24:06 > 0:24:08# We soon got wise
0:24:08 > 0:24:09# To all that fun
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# If you saw a DJ, you'd run, run, run! #
0:24:12 > 0:24:14TUNE OF THE BIRDIE SONG
0:24:14 > 0:24:17# With a little bit of this and a little bit of that
0:24:17 > 0:24:18# He touched my bum
0:24:18 > 0:24:19# We told you to run!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23# No need for embarrassment
0:24:23 > 0:24:26# They hadn't invented sexual harassment
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# Sexual harassment
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# They're pumping in the dry ice Now it's time to go
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# That's the last you'll see of this camel toe
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# It's been such fun dancing to the hits
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# And check this out - we can still do the splits
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- # My hip!- My tit!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47- #- My God! My knee!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49# B-b-b-back at the B
0:24:49 > 0:24:51# Back at the BB
0:24:51 > 0:24:55# Back at the BBC. #
0:24:55 > 0:24:59SHE HOLDS HIGH NOTE
0:24:59 > 0:25:02APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Congratulations, Dame Judi.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Well, it's not about winning awards, is it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24We just try to weave a few dreams and shine a light on what was dark.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It's always weird winning one at the beginning of the night, though.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29(Still two hours to go!)
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No, but this is tremendous.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Watching one's fellow professionals being honoured.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Oh, I'd rather be here than anywhere else!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Thank you!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43The huge technological changes in cinematography over recent years...
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- have presented a stiff challenge to our film... - SHE YAWNS
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Nominated tonight for Best Cinematographer are...
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Peter Rowe, Alistair Upcraft, Martin Hawkins.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57And the winner is Peter Rowe.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's a great honour. Thank you very much.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12No awards ceremony would be complete without acknowledging
0:26:12 > 0:26:15the contribution made by those working in languages
0:26:15 > 0:26:16other than English.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22..has seen the advent of a new breed of regional British talent...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Er, Judi squeezy through.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27..from all corners of the nation.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Scotland, Wales and Yorkshire find themselves rubbing shoulders with...
0:26:50 > 0:26:55The 2017 UK Film Award for Best Male Newcomer goes to...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59..Dame Judi Dench?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Thank you! Thank you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14You know, the marvellous thing about this profession
0:27:14 > 0:27:18is that you no longer have to be new, or even male,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20to win Best Male Newcomer,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24and I think that's something that we can all celebrate.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Thank you. Thank you.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Diversity's all very well, but it does seem a little odd that you,
0:27:31 > 0:27:32as a woman...
0:27:32 > 0:27:33BOOING
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I hope you're not suggesting that I, as a national treasure,
0:27:36 > 0:27:41went backstage and put my name in all the envelopes just for kicks?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- Of course not.- Thank you!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Which brings us to the award for Best Visual Effects.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52In recent decades, Britain has led the way...
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Shall we just save some time?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.