0:00:02 > 0:00:03VO: Later on BBC One... COCKERELL CROWS
0:00:03 > 0:00:06..just three boilers remain in The Great British Boiled Egg.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08On your marks, get set...
0:00:08 > 0:00:09boil!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language from the start.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14The egg's too small for the cup!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- CHICK TWEETS - Oh, not again!
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Do-do!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Someone...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26is going through...
0:00:27 > 0:00:29..to the soldiers round.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34VO: The final of The Great British Boiled Egg on BBC One.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36This is shit.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# Then I grew up and did it again
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# And basically, I'm still doing the same show
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end
0:00:51 > 0:00:56# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57# Tracey Ullman show
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Let's do the show, let's go
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Tracey Ullman Show!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11# Tracey Ullman Show. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Let's go.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17One woman's fate hangs on what we do.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22I've classified this mission DBIU - don't balls it up.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Let's ride.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Turn your papers over, please.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34The drug in the coffee is working, and it's a go for Team Toilet!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45'All right, Simon. Let's see it.'
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Section One's King Lear.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Right, you, I want answers.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Georgia, give me an update on your hole.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54DRILL NOISES
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- We have aperture.- Yahtzee! - Wait, there's an extra question.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's on Cider with Rosie.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Danny, didn't I send you deep cover to sleep with the exam setter?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- She lied to me.- Who has a model answer to Laurie Lee?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Louisa does.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12I'm doing actual work here on real threats.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Here's a real threat.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15She's my daughter.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17This could be the difference between Bristol and Bangor.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21It's done. Can I go back to work now?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Light her up.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Mum!- Ssh...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Shitola, she's onto us.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Simon!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Ah...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Mum, it's my exam, and I don't want to cheat.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Patch me in.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Jasmine, you're only projected a B+. I had to be there for you this time.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46All the birthdays I missed to eliminate Russians,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50the holiday ruined when I had to kill your dad for knowing too much.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53What the hell's going on?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54GUNSHOT
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Oh, well done.- Sorry.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Everyone out. Jasmine, you're going to uni in Burma.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Go, go, go, go...
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Oh, Burgat. Another day, another EU crisis meeting.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yeah, what is this one?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Well, it is the pre-talks for the talks next month,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16and also post-talks for the pre-talks that we had last month.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I tell you who needs a talking-to...
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Francois Hollande.- Oh, I like him. He has a twinkle in his eye.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- He has an eye on my twinkle. - Oh, don't worry, Angela.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30In 12 to 16 hours, it will all be over.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- And what will you do today, Burgat? - The open-top bus tour of London.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I have a rib-eye at Angus Steakhouse,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and then I go to Boots, Piccadilly, to stockpile miracle serum.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- It could be my last chance. - Now don't panic, liebling,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I will make export of miracle serum to Germany a condition
0:03:47 > 0:03:49of any future trade deal.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Because if we run out, we will both be rumpfen, rumpfen,
0:03:52 > 0:03:53like you won't believe.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Well, you have my word it'll be right up there with free movement.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, danke, mein Chancellor...
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh, I must go. The hop-on-hop-off bus will leave at any moment,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and I want to buy a fridge magnet!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Oh, I wish I could go with you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Oh, Burgat. How could David Cameron do this to us?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I should've known that he was always looking so red and shiny,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16like a waxed apfel.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20You know what they say, never trust a man with no lips.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Ah...
0:04:24 > 0:04:25SHE SIGHS
0:04:25 > 0:04:27INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Ladies and gentlemen, the Sharon Utley Centre for Fine Arts is going
0:04:31 > 0:04:34to be a huge engine in regenerating what is, after all,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38one of Yorkshire's top seven seaside resorts.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Wasn't the money originally going to be used to rebuild the pier?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Yes, but I am more than happy
0:04:44 > 0:04:48that it's been diverted to this wonderful...
0:04:48 > 0:04:49endeavour.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I can see our traditional seaside town being visited
0:04:52 > 0:04:56by swathes of metrosexuals from all over the country.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Gays, you mean? - But they're not all gay, Archie.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Well, they're not staying in my B&B. - I see you haven't changed, Archie.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You're still the same Little Englander.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Little Yorkshireman, thank you. - I'm just glad I got out.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yeah, and I'm glad I stayed.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I'd just like to make it clear that we welcome the...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13the pink pound.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Come for the conceptual arts, stay for Joe Pasquale.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17At least back in my day we had Bernie Clifton.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Ah... We had the theatre on the pier then.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Still, we've got this wonderful gallery
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and I'd like to introduce you to the lady who made it all possible.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Fanthorpe-on-Sea's very own, Sharon Utley!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32APPLAUSE
0:05:33 > 0:05:35See this, do you know what it says in there?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- It says "shit town". - Yeah, why is that?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Because this piece is about how this shit town fucks you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43MAYOR LAUGHS
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That... That is one, erm,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47one interpretation.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And what does it mean to you, Bob?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Well, it's just a man with a huge cock.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Er, stiffy...willy.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And was this piece based on anyone in particular?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59No, it could be anyone.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I'm the town bike, remember?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Come on, we don't want to be stuck in here, do we?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08We've got fantastic Fanthorpe weather outside,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12and you can see plenty more of Sharon's thought-provoking artworks
0:06:12 > 0:06:15on a sculpture trail dotted around the town.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17These, erm, these free guides are...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21..not suitable for children.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26So, how's my accountant?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I love that girl.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Do you know, she's a direct descendant of the Pendle witches?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33That's Northern royalty in my book!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Well, Sam has talked me through this month's figures.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Yeah?- She is very happy
0:06:38 > 0:06:41with the revenue stream from your new home CCTV device.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Me Pam Cam? Thanks, Sam.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47She is delighted with your new breakfast cereal business.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Pam's Brans? Laney,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I haven't been this regular since I was in the majorettes!
0:06:51 > 0:06:56But she is concerned about your new potential acquisition in Sheffield.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Me steelworks? Pam's Pipes?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You'll be looking at losses of a million a week.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The nation celebrated when they put in a bid
0:07:04 > 0:07:07to rescue the Tata Steelworks in South Wales.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09That's South Wales.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Not having a steelworks in Sheffield?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14That's like the ravens leaving the tower.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- The Blackpool Tower. - No, the shit one.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I want to have northern knives and forks in every cutlery drawer
0:07:21 > 0:07:24in Britain, and that's worth a million quid a week to me.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It's great PR, everybody will know my name.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31One day, a steelworks, the next a whole city.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Pam Town.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Pam-chester?- Pam-hampton. I want them all over the North.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Cut me, and I bleed urban conurbations.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Pam-castle, Pam-pool?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43All right, don't kick the arse out of it, Laney.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Right, get Sean Bean on the phone - he can cut the ribbon.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47He's local, isn't he?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- I think he lives in London now... - He's dead to me.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I'm glad they lopped his head off in Game Of Thrones.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I've become a vlogger.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It's like acting,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05but you can do it from your armchair and you don't have to eat lunch
0:08:05 > 0:08:08at a draughty location and use a chemical toilet.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13My new video is set to break the internet,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17as nobody with a smidgen of class is saying.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Today, I shall play a first person shooter.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I have no idea what that means,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27but I have been the first person on a great many film shoots,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31so I should take to it like a duck to San Pellegrino.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I seem to be in a stately home
0:08:34 > 0:08:38in a state of somewhat picturesque dilapidation.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41All rather familiar...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44No wonder they called this game Return To Hell.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- 'Emporda...'- Oh, hello!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Do you speak English?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I should like you to draw me a bath.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54GUNSHOT Good lord, he shot me!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Well, there's no tip for you on Sunday!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59MACHINE-GUN FIRE
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I cannot abide bad manners, let that be a lesson to what remains of you.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08I must tell my agent to add "slaughter" to my list of skills.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12GROWLING SOUND Oh, it's some sort of vagrant.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I'm sorry, but I don't have any change.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17GUNSHOTS
0:09:17 > 0:09:18BEEPING
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Oh! IanMcKellen43 has logged on and wants to play SimCity.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh, have I just shot Ian?
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Can I shoot Derek Jacobi, Helen Mirren and Joan Collins, too?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Put Kenneth Branagh up.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS
0:09:35 > 0:09:37It's a lot of fun this, isn't it?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, you know what my mother's like, you let her wind you up!
0:09:43 > 0:09:44PHONE RINGS
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm sorry, I had to leave that on for emergencies.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48The machine will get it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52'This is the voicemail of Sally Hollister,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54'individual and couple therapy.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57'Your problems are my business.' TONE
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Sorry, it does that. Go on.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, she never thought I was good enough for you, you know?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03'Sally, it's me, it's Chloe.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06'You said I could call on this number if I needed to?'
0:10:06 > 0:10:09We can ignore that. You just carry on.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11'You'll never guess what's happened.'
0:10:11 > 0:10:12You know what she said to me at our wedding?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- 'I've finally done it!'- Shh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16She's only gone and done it...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'And I said it, I said it to him, I know what's going on.'
0:10:19 > 0:10:22This is Sally here, and I heard you, Chloe,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and I just want to say well done,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I think you've had a real breakthrough here.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32So now, could you just take five deep breaths for me, OK?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So, she finds out two weeks ago
0:10:36 > 0:10:39that he's only got his second family living three streets down,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41two little kiddies, and she pops in on this woman,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43the woman knows nothing.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Yeah, can you take five more breaths, love, all right?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Turns out all their kids are at the same school, Saint Mary's,
0:10:49 > 0:10:53would you believe that? I mean, you'd never think to look at him. He's a tiny little man.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Yeah, five more breaths, love.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Meanwhile, Chloe's done some more digging and it turns out that the
0:10:57 > 0:10:59marriage might not be legal in the first place,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02so she might end up getting nothing.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Chloe, are you OK?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07No, you're not interrupting anything, no.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Cor...
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Well!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Our kids go to St Mary's.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Do they?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh, do you know Chloe with two kids?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Yes.- Yep, we do.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30One of the kids is in Preeti's class.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Oh, right.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I'd like to say
0:11:35 > 0:11:39that anything you hear or say in this room stays within this room,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42that trust is absolutely integral to the process.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I think I might know who the other wife could be...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Ooh...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Go on.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yeah, that's where I first did crack, over there.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I'd like to stress that was many, many years ago,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08and Fanthorpe-on-Sea has a zero tolerance policy on drugs.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12In fact, it's the perfect destination for a family holiday,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and we do have a miniature train.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- What are you doing?!- Creating art.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Sharon?- Yeah?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's Carol! Carol Blakely.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Year five.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh, yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Hello, Carol.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Leave it!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What's all this, then?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Well, you know what it's like,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38they open an art gallery in your honour.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You know, it's funny, you becoming an artist,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43cos you were never very good at drawing at school.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Art's not about drawing, it's about ideas.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Like that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49It's a crazy golf course.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Come and look at the eighth hole.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yeah, it's a big hairy fanny.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57What's the idea here, then?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Well, it's about how men historically have run away
0:12:59 > 0:13:02from women to play golf, but they can't any more,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04because women have taken charge.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07The hair makes it a very challenging hole.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You've made a right mess of this crazy golf course.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yeah, it might look like a right mess to you,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13but this is £30,000 worth of contemporary arts
0:13:13 > 0:13:15to Charles Saatchi.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17The one who tried to strangle Nigella?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19The photo made it look worse than it was.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And isn't crazy golf mainly played by children?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Not any more.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26While Sharon's exhibiting, we've got a 15 age restriction.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Sharon, what happened to that nice fella you were seeing?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33You were going to set up a B&B together, weren't you?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Didn't work out.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Right, let's go over to the lighthouse.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You'll never guess what I've turned that into.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Is it a penis?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That's a lucky guess, Carol.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- Uberraschung. Surprise! - What are you doing here?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Well, I suddenly thought to myself,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56why should I help to clear all this mess up?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58The British can scoop their own poop.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and I let them get on with it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Wunderschon!- Yes, besides, I never see London, you know?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I just see the airports and the conference centre,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray!
0:14:18 > 0:14:19ANGELA LAUGHS
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- I saw a Lidl.- Ja?- Ja.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Look, dachshunds!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Ah! Ja, ja, ja!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41This is more German than Germany.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Ja. Oh, Burgat, what are they going to do without us?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50These people, they look so sad.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Like those Syrian friends of ours?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04- Nein.- You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05These people are desperate.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Ja, that's true, that's true.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Theresa, come out and fight with me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Selfie!- It's naughty.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Ooh! Ja!- Ja!
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Here's your tea.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Are you feeling a bit better? - Not really, no.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31OK, well, can you describe the man who mugged you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And were you wearing what you're wearing now?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Sorry?- Is this what you were wearing when it happened?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Erm, yes. But...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You look quite provocatively wealthy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Like you're advertising it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Look...- You seem distressed.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'm going bring one of our counsellors in.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, dear.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Had you been drinking?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged."
0:16:25 > 0:16:28He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- I mean...- And you just gave them to him?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Did you even scream?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your
0:16:35 > 0:16:38possessions unless you make your intentions clear?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to
0:16:44 > 0:16:47have to accept some of the responsibility for this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Are you going to be much longer? I've got a gentleman out here,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55says he has been receiving abusive e-mails for months.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Ask him what font he's been using.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00If it's something coquettish like Helvetica,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- then he's probably brought it on himself.- Right, OK.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23What time did he get here?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- About an hour ago.- Aye, he'll be nicely softened up by now.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- # Bye-bye, baby... # - MUSIC DISTORTS AND STOPS
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Andy Murray!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I'm delighted you have deigned to grace us with your presence!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I know you prefer it in leafy Surrey.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39An hour of the Bay City Rollers, why?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I won't have you disparaging the sound of my childhood.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Stuart Woody Wood, now there's a proper Scot for you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49He didn't ponce off down south at the first whiff of success.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53There's lots of nice places to live up here, you know?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55What's wrong with the Ayrshire coast?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Aye, with summer highs of 12 degrees and pleasantly moist
0:17:59 > 0:18:03300 days of annual rainfall. I'd call it the perfect climate.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I'm proud to be Scottish, Sturgeon.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Aye, you love Scotland, is that right?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Then why did you give your wee baby daughter the most
0:18:10 > 0:18:12un-Scottish sounding name on the planet?
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Sofia. And not just Sofia, but Sofia Olivia, if you please.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21You might as well have set fire to the St Andrews cross
0:18:21 > 0:18:23and danced on the ashes, dressed as a bulldog.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I tell you what you're going to do for me,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29you're going to rechristen that bairn
0:18:29 > 0:18:32with a beautiful Scottish name like Moira,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35or Lorraine, or Kelly,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37or Lorraine Kelly.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I just wanted her to grow up a citizen of the world.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Ah, she will. Don't worry about that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48When Operation Take The High Road comes to fruition.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Show him, wee Mhairi.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Scottish scientists have calculated
0:18:53 > 0:18:56that five nuclear devices exploded off the Shetland Isles
0:18:56 > 0:18:59would be enough to tilt the Earth's axis
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and bring a Scottish climate to the whole world.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Imagine it! Scots free to travel the globe with nae fear of sunburn.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Just use factor 50.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I won't help you.- Oh, really?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- What's that?- Let me introduce you to one of my favourite creatures,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20the Highland otter.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Brave, canny, hardy, and do you know why they're so hardy?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Because they don't stray more than six metres from the burrow
0:19:27 > 0:19:29they were born into.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Listen to me, I supported independence.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Shall we see what a hungry otter can do to your balls?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Get a treat of Murray! - You're mad, Sturgeon.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Turn up the Bay City Rollers!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Mhairi, your parliamentary maiden speech.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- No!- Thank you... - NICOLA LAUGHS
0:19:48 > 0:19:52..Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such important debate!
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Are you all right, Sharon?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Yeah, fine.- This should be everything you've ever wanted,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03vindication, return of the conquering hero,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04respect of your peers.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I only ever wanted the respect of one man.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Where's me red wine?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Sharon?- Archie?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16I just saw your big hairy fanny out on the golf course,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and I've finally realised...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Yeah?- You're a proper artist.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Yeah, I, I shouldn't have come...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26No, Archie...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I haven't shown you my latest work, look.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32It's called...Regret.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34It were inspired by you.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36You did know what constituted the full tea
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- and coffee-making facilities in a B&B.- Course I did.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I was just too proud to tell you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Hang on a minute. Archie, you're not Man With Stick Of Rock For Cock,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48- are you?- Of course he is.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And maybe if he'd have just given me the slightest acknowledgement
0:20:51 > 0:20:54that he respected my work, or even understood it,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I might not have left like I did.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Sharon, do you think we can make it work again?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I really don't mind the gays.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I don't know.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05No. No...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I can't ask you to come back here and get up at six to grill kippers.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11And I couldn't ask you to split your life between my townhouse
0:21:11 > 0:21:14in Belgravia and my villa in the Cote d'Azur
0:21:14 > 0:21:16with its three sun terraces and infinity pool.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Well, you know, there might be a way to make it work.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24No, we're too set in our ways.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26No, no, that's what I'm saying.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29If only I hadn't walked out that night,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32burned down the pier and run off for London and set up...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Hang on a sec.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You burnt down the pier?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41We thought it was a dodgy plug on the whack-a-mole.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42I had a lot of anger back then.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- My grandad built that pier. - Look, if it comes to it,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I could sell the B&B, or I could just give it to somebody.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52For the last 20 years it's been considered "uneconomic" to rebuild,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56and finally they get around to allocating some lottery money to it
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and they divert it to this rubbish.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01That's worth eight million quid!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Yeah, so is my pier.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I made these last night, they're gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free,
0:22:10 > 0:22:16sugar-free, they're just wonderful, clean eating, all natural muffins.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, would you like one of my cupcakes?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21They're gluten-free, sugar-free, egg-free...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I can't get past the taste.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Mum... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We've got a visitor, this is Debbie.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34She's come all the way from Australia.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Hello, Mrs Clark! - DEBBIE LAUGHS
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I told you about Debbie, didn't I, Mum?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43She's the cousin I've been writing to.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45She was put up for adoption.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47She was...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Dad's sister's daughter.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Illegitimate child.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Doesn't surprise me.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Always was a bit loose, that one.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh, dear, you'll have to excuse her, she's 103.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04But that's all water under the bridge, isn't it, Mummy?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05The point is
0:23:05 > 0:23:08that I've got a cousin and you've got a niece, and she's here,
0:23:08 > 0:23:09and it's exciting, isn't it?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I've been working on our family tree.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I thought you might like to see it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Oh, yes.- And maybe help me fill in a few gaps.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, yes, Mum will be able to do that,
0:23:21 > 0:23:22she's got ever such a good memory.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's better than mine, isn't it, Mum?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Well, let's start with your dad's side of the family, shall we?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Now, Dad's sisters were...
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Trollops.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Let's just come back to that, shall we?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What was Dad's brother's name?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Nancy boy.- That wasn't his name!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Yes, that was what he was called - and for very good reason.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Let's leave that blank for the moment, shall we?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55What about your husband's mother?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I don't know who you're talking about.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh, she means Nan, Nanny.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I don't remember anyone with that name.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Is this because she said that your jam roly-poly wasn't jammy enough?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Oh, mother, that was 78 years ago.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14As far as I'm concerned, she does not exist.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Well, at least I've got a cousin -
0:24:17 > 0:24:20and I didn't think I had any relations at all.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I've actually managed to track down
0:24:23 > 0:24:25quite a few relations in Australia.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29You've got lots of cousins! And they've got children,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and some of them have children.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Oh, my goodness!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You should come out to Australia and visit us all.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Oh, that'd be amazing. - Meet your family.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Oh, I've always wanted to be part of a big family.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, I should like that.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I should like that very much indeed.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48THEY LAUGH
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I wouldn't bother.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- Why not?- Well, if you must know, your dad wasn't really your dad.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- What do you mean? - Your real dad was a sailor.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I don't know his name.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Mum, when were you going to tell me this?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I was waiting till you were older.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09How old do I have to be?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Well, it's all in the past now.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Let's forget about it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16What about the family tree?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It's just you and me.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You don't need anyone else, do you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh... Let's go over to the arcade,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31break in and we'll have sex on a pinball machine.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32- Yeah.- Then... No,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36we'll leave our pants on and I'll sell it as a bit of art called Multi-ball.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You never turn off, do you?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Just to let you know, Sharon... - DISTANT SIREN
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- ..your gallery's on fire. - HE LAUGHS
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Archie, film me kicking his head in.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50It's for an installation.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Last stop, Madame Tussaud's.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh, I must pop in to collect the suit we lent them for your waxwork.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00They are closing down the European leaders section.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, ja.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06And I could stand very, very still next to myself.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And jump out and erschrecken the tourists!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10THEY LAUGH
0:26:10 > 0:26:14And the English say that they have no sense of humour.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15THEY LAUGH
0:26:19 > 0:26:22We could see Justin Bieber.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Und Adele.- No, Nena.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Yeah, no, I don't think they will have a Nena waxwork.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Oh, but they should, because she wrote the greatest song ever.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32- Ja.- Ja.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- It has never been bettered. - No, nein.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Oh, Angela.- What?- Sing it.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Nein.- Ja, ja, sing.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# You and I in Lincolnshire
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# A bag of balloons with the money we've got
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# Set them free at the break of dawn
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Till one by one, they were gone
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# Back at base, bugs in the software...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# Flash the message, something's out there
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# Floating in the summer sky
0:27:04 > 0:27:08# 99 red balloons go by... #
0:27:08 > 0:27:09INSTRUMENTAL
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# 99 Decision Street
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# 99 ministers meet
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# To worry, worry, super-scurry
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Call the troops out in a hurry!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# This is what we've waited for!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# This is it, boys! This is war!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# The President is on the line
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by! #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Hey, hey, hey!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Ja! Ja!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# 99 lights up the air
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Like super heartache jet fighters!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# Everyone's a superhero
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Everyone's a Captain Kirk
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# With orders to identify
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# To clarify und classify
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Scramble in the summer sky
0:28:02 > 0:28:07# 99 red balloons go by...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by...
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# If I could find a souvenir
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Just to prove the world was here
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# And here is a red balloon
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# I think of you and let it go... #
0:28:34 > 0:28:38You know, I think that Britain is our red balloon, Burgat,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40and we should just let it go.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Oh, Angela, you are so wise.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Do you remember Nena's armpits?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Oh, ja, ja, ja. You could've hidden a couple of Syrians in there.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54THEY LAUGH
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Naughty.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- Angela!- Such bad, bad, bad.