0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV - Come on! We'll pump this lot.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I mean, Malta, for God's sake. What have they ever done?
0:00:10 > 0:00:11A falcon!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- Sure you don't want one? - No, no, you're fine.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I'm still on this diet that Beth put me on.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Diet? Oh, dear.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I'm lucky. I can eat what I want.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21My father was the same.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24He ate chips every day of his life, and he was like that.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- Aye, some folk are lucky.- Mm.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- Heart attack, he had, wasn't it? - Three of them, aye.- Aye.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I just couldn't bear the thought
0:00:32 > 0:00:35of you sitting on your own all night, Beth.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Och, you didn't need to worry. I quite enjoy a night...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Besides, I wanted a wee catch-up, hear all your news.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Well, not much to tell, really, Cathy. Um...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Eric's been at the doctor again.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Oh, no!- Uh-huh.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49What a shame.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Look! I had my toes done in that new semipermanent stuff.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It is so good.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I kicked the tumble dryer shut earlier, didn't chip.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- So you've been at the dentist? - The doctor's.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Have you?- No, Eric has.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Oh, God.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Tell you what... Open that bottle, I want to hear all about it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Oh, Beth!- Uh-huh.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Bring crisps.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Storage Wars?
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Yeah...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, Police Interceptors. I watched that last week.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19They chased a man over a fence
0:01:19 > 0:01:21and his tracksuit bottoms came down at the back,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24so they had to blur it out so you didn't see his crack.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Oh, Game Of Thrones. - Jaz, we live in Glasgow.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28If I want to watch dwarves stabbing each other,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I can just take a bus into the city centre.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32All right!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Border Force!- What's that?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37People trying to get into Australia smuggling snake meat up their jumpers,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and Chinese women bursting into tears when they get caught with home-cooked food
0:01:40 > 0:01:42and they've got to put it in the bin.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I might just go to bed.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Are you coming, or are you staying up?- Um, I'll come.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Ian...- What?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do you want to move in with me?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57OK.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I mean, I knew he was overweight.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Oh, yeah. Remember when we had the barbecue out the back?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07When he stepped onto that decking,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10it was like that bit out of Jurassic Park.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11It's a worry.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15This is what happens to a lot of Scottish men, Beth.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Nice and chunky when they're young.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And then they just turn into big bloaters.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23They're saying if he doesn't do something about it,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25he could be at risk of a heart attack.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Anything happens to Eric, I'll be here for you.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I'll help you get your hair cut,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35set you up a profile on PlentyOfFish.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Mmm-mmm-mm
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Mmmm-mmm-mmm
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# Mmm-mm-mmm-mmm-mmm
0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Whoa-oa-oa
0:02:47 > 0:02:49# Ohh-oh-oh
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# Ohh-ohh-oh ohh-ohh. #
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I'll tell you who's got it right when it comes to pubs, Eric.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- The Spaniards.- Aye?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Aye. Tapas.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Cos every time you get a drink, you get a wee bite to eat with it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02A wee bit of sausage, chorizo.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04A wee bit of squid, calamari.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Wee croquette. ..Croquette.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Oh, Christ, give it a rest with all that chat about grub.- I'm sorry.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Let's just concentrate on the match. That'll cheer you up, eh?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Come on, let's get behind these lads. Scot...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18ALL GROAN
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Shit. That didnae go in, did it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It's a disgrace.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's a... It's an absolute disgrace.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35They were humped oot there. Humped. By Malta.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I'll tell you what the problem is, Eric.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Our lot just arenae fit.- I know.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43They're oot there trying to compete with these European teams
0:03:43 > 0:03:45who are in peak condition,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48and they're just no' up to it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- They're no' athletes, Eric.- No.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You want some chips in your pocket to take in with you?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54No, no, no, no. You're good.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57That's right, it's your diet. Good man.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I'll tell you, that lot out there
0:03:58 > 0:04:01could do with taking a leaf out of your book.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Aye. Anyway, I'm away to my bed, so I'll see you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Night. Night.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Good night, squire.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Aw, shite.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Mm.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34HE SNORES
0:04:53 > 0:04:54WATER SPLASHES
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What the...?!
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Eric!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Eric!
0:05:05 > 0:05:06What is it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- The freezer door's been left lying open.- How the hell...?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Well, it wasn't me!- Uh-huh(!)
0:05:11 > 0:05:15So it wasn't you that cooked the oven chips in the big Pyrex dish
0:05:15 > 0:05:16that's lying in the sink, then?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I'll get a tea towel.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And I'll bet you've guzzled all my cold meat.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Beth...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Eric, let me into that fridge. - Beth, I was starving.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Eric! - We got beat by Malta, Beth.- Oh...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Gone. And my lovely big lump of Irish Cheddar.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Away. I was going to use that for a macaroni.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Well, there's a tin of macaroni in the...
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Actually, I...- Look at the state of this. I mean, just look at it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- And you're supposed to be on a diet. - And I am.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Oh, and look at this lovely big leg of lamb.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51The blood's dripped right the way through onto Ian's waffles.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- We can always refreeze it. - Don't be ridiculous.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Look, what does it say there?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Er... "Use by December 2008".
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Not there. There! "Once defrosted, do not refreeze".
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Well, you'll just have to bin it, then.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Bin it?! I will not be binning it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08There's hundreds of pounds worth of food in here.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I mean, what about my prawns?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Forget about the prawns. You don't have to worry about the prawns.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Why not?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Cos I had them with the macaroni. - Huh!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And you need to be careful with your health.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Eric, I'm telling you, if you have a heart attack, I will kill you.- Ow!
0:06:28 > 0:06:29What are we going to do?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Well, there's only one thing we bloody well can do.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Cook it!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37All right, Mum, see you later.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Bye.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What do you think?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43It's the gym we're going to, no' a bloody Pride march.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm kidding you on. You look fine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Listen, see instead of going to the gym,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49would it be OK if we went over to my mum's?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Er, yeah, can do. What's happening? - She's making lunch.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Let's do it. Should I bring anything?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Aye, some earplugs and a bottle of Gaviscon would be great.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Oh, hello, Beth. - Hi, Christine. How you doing?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- I'm absolutely shattered.- Oh.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Been up all night with this bladder of mine.- Oh, dear.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Between that and the trapped nerve in my neck,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and our Sophie's guinea pig's about to give birth,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18it's like a field hospital in here.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?- I won't just now.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Actually, I just popped round to invite you to ours.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oh, no, I don't think so, Beth.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- I'm just not at my best just now. - Och, that's a shame.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You know me, Beth, I'm a fighter.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But this business with the bladder's just about broken me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Mum, Dusty's nearly ready to go.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40All right, just put a towel down, will you? I'll be in in a minute.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Sorry, I need to go, Beth.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Oh, what was the occasion, anyway? - Oh, nothing really.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It's just we've had a bit of a disaster.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51A disaster?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Oh!- All right?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Oh, thanks, Eric.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58You know, my heart just about broke when Beth told me.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I know what she's going through.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I had a soda siphon rupture on me
0:08:02 > 0:08:05up at the caravan last year, didn't I, Sophie?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Yeah, you did.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- DOOR OPENS - Don't panic. I am here!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, give us a hug, missus.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- How are you holding up? - Och, I'm fine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20See, if that was me, I'd be devastated.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Obviously, your stuff's not as dear. Even still...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I'll give you a wee squeeze, too, eh?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28There we are. All better. You all right, eh?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Well, nobody died, eh?- Aye, true.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33But still, it's a fair old kick in the nuts, though.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What on earth happened?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Eric left the freezer door open by mistake.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- BOTH:- Oh, no!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42We thought maybe it just broke down because it was so old.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- And you can't refreeze any of it? - I don't think so, Colin, no.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Oh, no, no, no. You're quite right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I did that once with chicken breasts.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I nearly shat myself in the car.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It can happen to anybody.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Just it always seems to happen to Eric.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Remember when you got that lovely beanbag
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and he had that terrible upset stomach?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Cathy, look, please, don't say anything about it to him.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07We're just trying to put it behind us and move on.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Course you are, course you are.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It's the last thing you're needing, though, isn't it?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I was just saying to Col, poor Beth,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15she has got enough on her plate.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Not any more, she hasn't!
0:09:17 > 0:09:18BOTH LAUGH
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Anyway, look on the bright side. Chance for a wee get-together.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Exactly, Beth.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26What are friends for if they can't get together
0:09:26 > 0:09:27and eat a lot of cheap frozen food?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Anyway, best let you get on.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Anything I can do to help, you just let me know.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Well, actually, Cathy,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38you could give us a hand getting all this in the oven.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39What, now?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Course... Course I can.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Sophie, can I get you a drink of something?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, just an orange juice'll be great, thanks, Mr Baird.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Oh, nothing fizzy for her, Eric. No, no. Her teeth cannae stand it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Awfully soft enamel.- Mum!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The dentist said her baby teeth were like putty.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Are you all right, Christine?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Oh, Colin, no' so great, actually.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Ah, well. At least... - I'm back in my collar.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Well, I noticed that. - And the bladder's away again.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Oh, dear God.- Just the old drips and drops, you know.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13And as if that's no' bad enough,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I've started to get this ringing in my ears.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Ringing in your ears?- Aye.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- I'll tell you what you want to do. - What's that?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Gie your doctor a bell!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Cheeky wee bastard.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Oh, hiya, Colin.- All right? - Aye. There you are, Sophie.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Here, Eric, that was a bit of a boo-boo with the old freezer, eh?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Oh, don't you start.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I've been getting pelters off Beth all morning.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Just as well it didnae happen to ours.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48We've got one of those ones with the big double doors.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Do you know how many cubic litres, Eric?- Er, no.
0:10:51 > 0:10:531,240.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- That's a few ice poles, that, eh? - I'll tell you how big it is, Eric.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I have got a whole salmon in it. A whole salmon.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I caught it myself when we were up at the time-share.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You want to see the size of this thing. It's...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Well, it's enormous.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- You ever actually held a whole salmon, Eric?- Um...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Sophie, you ever held a whole salmon?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- No.- Christine?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15No, just fillets.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Well, let me tell you something.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I have.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Right, so how long on the goujons, Cath?
0:11:22 > 0:11:2420 minutes at 220.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Right, OK, so they'll go in with the apple tart.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Oh, that was 200, though, Beth. - OK, right, so what else is 200?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The sausage rolls and the southern fries.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Right, OK, so the southern fries, the sausage rolls
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and the apple tart - 200 for 20 minutes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40No, the southern fries are 15 to 18.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Right, OK, so we'll put them in for five minutes first.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Which ones?- Southern fries.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Got you, Beth, got you. It's all under control.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- BEEPING - What's that noise?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52It's the oven, Cathy.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I mean, see that drive up to the time-share,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02the scenery is absolutely beautiful.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I mean, the hills, the lochs, the... the wind farms.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07It's just beautiful.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I mean, see the last time we went up, the weather was smashing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13We took Cathy's car, got the roof down.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It was gorgeous.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Until we hit the deer.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Oh, no. - No, no, no, it was all right.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I mean, Cathy had wipes in her bag.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Cream leather interior, though.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I mean, some of the stitching's still a bit pink.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Right, sausage rolls at the top, Cathy.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Have you not got another oven glove?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Shift that pie to the bottom
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and then we'll be able to get some waffles in next to the cod.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Come on!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- I've got the wine.- Good.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Got it. Wine in the bag. Can you imagine if I dropped it? Smash!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Broken glass, people picking it up, trying to be helpful,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55but then ending up cutting themselves
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and your mum having to look for plasters!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Sorry. I think I'm nervous.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Why?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Just about telling everyone that we're moving in together.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05See, what I was thinking...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I'm not sure today's the best day to tell them about that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Oh. OK.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Look, I'm really, really pleased about it, honest,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16but let's just hang fire and wait till we see my mum on her own.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18All right. Fair enough.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's fine.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Does your mum even drink prosecco?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Give it a couple of hours and she'll drink anything.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Hello! - Oh, right, that's Ian and Jaz.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Let me give you that. You hold the fort for two minutes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Come in, come in.- All right, Ma?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Oh!- What's that smell? Something in the oven?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Shut your face. Hello there, Jaz. - Hello, Mrs Baird.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- How you doing?- Good, thank you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Oh, great. Right, so are you back at work yet?- Not yet, no.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Listen, I'm so sorry to hear about your freezer.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Och, don't worry about it.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I said to Ian, I can't imagine anything worse, honestly.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Except maybe something happening to your eyes,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00or having a fall and your front teeth getting smashed.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02There you go. That's for you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Oh, thanks! What's this? - It's just a wee bottle of wine.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06We got it at the petrol station.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Um, right, well, let's go through.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Hi, guys.- Hiya.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15- Hello, Mr Baird.- Hiya.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Hi, Colin. All right, Dad?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20All right, son, yeah. How's it going?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Aye, good. All good. How's you?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Oh, no' too bad, aye, aye. You all right?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Aye, aye.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Good. Good.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Um, this is Christine. She lives next door.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Hello.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, wait till I get turned here.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Oh.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40This is Jaz, Christine.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Oh, hello, Jaz. So you're Ian's gay lover.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Mum!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Sorry.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Have you met Sophie before, Christine's daughter?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- Hi, I'm Jaz. I'm Ian's... I'm Jaz.- Hiya.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Remember I told you Jaz works for the electricity, Christine?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Oh, does he? Very good. - But I'm off sick at the minute.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Really?- Yeah.- How come?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Stress. - SHE GASPS
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Stress! Oh, that's a terrible thing.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Here, you come and sit yoursel' next to me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12You all right, then, young man? Keeping out of trouble?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Trying my best. - Not like your old man, eh?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh, God, yeah, the freezer, eh? What happened there?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18It was an accident.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21What it was, was we were out watching the football...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, yeah, the football. What was the score?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24- It was 4-0.- Cool.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26To Malta.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Ah.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I've had to have this one back up at the doctor's an' all, Jaz.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Have you? What's the matter? - Oh, her scalp's away again.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Her pillow's like the top of a Victoria sponge.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38They're saying that's stress, an' all.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Well, it could be.- Is it, shite.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45She spends all day, every day, sat in the house with me.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I mean, what's she got to be stressed about?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Maybe the seal on the door's away. I mean, you've had it for a while.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We saw good deals on freezers the other day -
0:15:54 > 0:15:55on Amazon, I think it was.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Jaz... Jaz, where was it we saw the freezers
0:15:58 > 0:16:00that you said to me were a good price?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Oh, Amazon. Chest freezer. 199.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03199?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Excellent price, Beth.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06We're no' getting a new freezer.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08There's nothing wrong with the one we've got.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10199, Sophie.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Here, we need to take a run up to this Amazon place, you and me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Jaz, what sort of capacity are we talking about here?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I'm sorry, but I don't know.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Mind you, every time I think about chest freezers,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I just think about serial killers chopping people up
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and stuffing them into wee bags.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I'll just nip through to the kitchen and see how we're getting on.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Any dips?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41How are we getting on?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Oh, you're back. Anything else I can do for you?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46No, you're all right.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Okey-dokey.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Just let me know when it's time for the broom to go up my arse.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51What's in there?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Oriental rice and half a pork chop.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- BEEPING - Mm...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59ignore the beeping. I'm timing it on my phone.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02That's maybe it ready now, actually.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
0:17:06 > 0:17:09This ringing's awful bad today.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'll need to get straight down to wee McGill on Monday
0:17:12 > 0:17:13to see about it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Here, Jaz... She was harping on about that earlier.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I says to her, gie your doctor a bell!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22HE CHUCKLES
0:17:22 > 0:17:24You know, a bell. Ringing.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Ah, fuck it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32BICKERING VOICES FROM KITCHEN
0:17:32 > 0:17:33You all right, doll?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- So what you been up to? - Ach, just the usual.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Taking my mum up to the doctor's, then taking her to the chemist,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42then taking her back to the doctor's
0:17:42 > 0:17:44when she doesnae like what the chemist has gave her.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Sounds like you could do wi' a bit of change of scene.- Aye.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50But she's got a hospital appointment soon, so...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- There you are.- How are you?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Good, aye.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Hungry?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Oh, so-so.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58God, that's a lot of food your mum's got to cook.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Lucky she's got Cathy in there helping her, eh?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02The stuff that was in there,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05it's no' Cathy she's needing, it's the bloody Time Team.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09And, of course, it was later on, towards the end of 1986,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11that was when I took the septic toe
0:18:11 > 0:18:14when I was on holiday in the Algarve.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You ever been to the Algarve, Jaz?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17No.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Beautiful beaches, but very poorly served
0:18:20 > 0:18:23when it comes to 24-hour chiropodists.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Right, get stuck in.- Oh, yes!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- There's quiche, chicken wings, apple pie.- This looks great!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34And some mixed veg, braising steak, and a bit of Arctic roll.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40Oh, here, Sophie, you get for me. Ian, Sophie'll plate me up. Oh!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Col?- Just a bit of everything for me, Cathy.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Here, Eric, that's the beauty of a buffet, is it no'?- Aye.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You get a wee bit of everything.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He can't. No red meat for you, Eric.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Cath, put a few sprouts on a napkin for him.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Sprouts? Ho-ho!
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Oh, oor Sophie's a nightmare with them. Savoy cabbage, as well.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Oh, I can hear her through the wall when I'm lying in my bed at night.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Pff, pff, pffff.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's like Transit van backfiring.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Are you having a good time? - All right, yeah. Good.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Nice chat with Christine?- Yeah.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18She was just telling me about her septic toe.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Sausage roll?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Here, Beth...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Beth, here.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28You never told me that he was...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32He was what?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34That he was, you know...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- ..English!- Oh.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, it's nice to get a seat.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48All right if I take two minutes, is it, Beth?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50That all right, is it?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Honestly, she invites you round for lunch
0:19:52 > 0:19:54and no sooner are you through the door
0:19:54 > 0:19:56and she's shoved a tea towel in your hand
0:19:56 > 0:19:59and she's working you like a donkey.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You have done a smashing job. This is a lovely spread.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03FOOD CRUNCHES
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Lovely crunch in this wee...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07these wee...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09What is this, anyway, Cath?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11This jumper is stinking.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12It's cashmere, Colin.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It's just grabbing every ounce of fat there is in there.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Skiddly wee kitchen with no cooker hood. It's like the fires of hell.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22What's that, Mrs Baird?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's either a pakora or a Scotch egg that's gone for a wee walk.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I was saying to Eric, if this had happened to us,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30we'd have been cooking from now till doomsday
0:20:30 > 0:20:33with all that stuff in our big doubler.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Oh, we would have. Eric, was Colin telling you about the salmon?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- He was, aye. - You want to see the size of it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- What's it like, Cathy? - It's a monster.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44That's exactly what it is. It's a monster.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45- Col, away and get it.- Eh?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Go and get it and bring it in so everyone can see it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Colin caught it himself, didn't you? - I did, aye. I...
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Well, I bashed its brains oot
0:20:52 > 0:20:54with this thing that the... the gillie gave me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56What was it called again?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- A club.- It was a club, aye.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Go and get it. They're dying to see it.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Look, it's fine, Colin. Sit and enjoy your food.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Do you want a few more... wee brown things?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Get it!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13DOOR CLOSES
0:21:15 > 0:21:17How are you boys doing?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I feel as if I've hardly seen you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Probably cos I've been in that bloody kitchen the whole time!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Anywa-a-a-ay, toot-toot.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29- So, you OK, Jaz, yeah? - Yeah, fine, not bad.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Beth said you'd been off work with the stress.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33He's going back in a couple of weeks, though, aren't you?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yeah. Maybe. Hopefully.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Aw, good. So what was it caused it, then?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Was it just a build-up of stuff, or did you have a full breakdown?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Oh, just various things. But I'm feeling a bit better now.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Oh, that's good.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Mind you, must be tough being off,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51sitting in the house on your own all day, staring at the walls.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That'll get you down, as well.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm not on my own all the time.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Are you no'?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57No, Ian's round quite a bit.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Not every day, though? - No, not every day.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Well, it will be every day, won't it?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Will it, Ian?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Eric, out the way, this is hot! - Right.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Where's Cathy? - Er, talking to Ian and Jaz.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14This bloody salmon. Who brings a fish to someone's house?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Oh, hi, Cathy. Huh!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Beth, you're not going to believe it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21What?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ian's moving in with Jaz. Isn't it exciting?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Is that champagne?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Er...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I didn't know what to say. I just panicked.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33It's fine. Don't worry about it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35She was talking and staring at me.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Then I started looking at her facial hair
0:22:37 > 0:22:39with the bits of make-up in it, and I lost my concentration.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Look, it's OK. Maybe she won't say anything.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Ooooh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Right, here's to the big move. Here you go, you two.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Oh, whoopsie.- Er, what's going on?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54They're moving in together.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Here, Beth, get a couple of mugs for you and Eric, get a drink of this.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Here she is!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Oh-ho!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Wait till I get a look at this. There we go.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Oh, Christ! look at the size of that. It's like fucking Jaws.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14HE SINGS JAWS THEME TUNES
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It was my fault. I wasn't meant to say.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17SHE SIGHS
0:23:17 > 0:23:19You could have told me you were thinking about it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I hadn't really thought about it, though.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I asked him to, last night, after dinner.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25We had corn on the cobs.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Do you not think you're rushing into it a bit?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Mum, I can't stay here for ever, can I?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I wish I could Sellotape my mouth shut sometimes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Here, Col, take that. I'm bored of it now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Col, get a glass. Ian and Jaz are moving in together.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Oh, are you? That's nice. Well, good on you, boys.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47S'cuse my fish fingers. A wee flat-share, eh?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50No fighting over the biggest bedroom, eh?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Here, Eric, we know where to go
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- if we fancy a few cans in front of the football, eh?- Oh, aye.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Poor Beth. She'll be heartbroken.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'll need to make an effort
0:24:01 > 0:24:04to come over and see her more often, cheer her up.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Are you eyeing up that fish, Sophie? She is, isn't she?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Does she like salmon, Christine?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Cathy...- Sophie, look into its eyes.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Cathy!- What?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Here, Cath, what say we give Beth and Eric this as a present, eh?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Something to start them off again.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- That is a brilliant idea. - Well, I'll...
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Beth, take it. I hate salmon. - Honestly...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It's cos your freezer's no' big enough.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Cath, she's worried it'll no' fit.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34See, just take the head off and bend its tail back,
0:24:34 > 0:24:35it'll fit in no bother.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Eric, you got a wee hacksaw? We'll just whip its head off the noo.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- What's he saying?- They're going to decapitate the fish.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46We'll sort it later, Colin. But, cheers, thanks for the thought.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Not at all, squire.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Give it a good rinse under the tap.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54That river I dragged it out of is no' the freshest.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58It was quite near the caravan site, if you know what I'm saying.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Oh, that's just great(!)
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Sophie, look, just stamp that in with your Pumas.- Leave it!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Just leave it!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09All right, Beth.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's only a cheap glass. No need to get all Mrs Nippy.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Now, Cathy, I've just about had enough.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Oh, come on, now, Beth. Here, Eric, get her a glass of wine.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22She's been up to her eyes in breadcrumbs all day.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- Beth...- Cathy, thanks for coming over, and thanks for all your help,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32and thanks for the offer of the salmon, but we just don't want it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Excuse me?
0:25:33 > 0:25:38As I say, thanks for the thought, but we'll pass on it, thank you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Eric, what's the problem?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- Beth...- Shut up, Eric.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42CATHY GASPS
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I came in here today, Beth, to help you out, as your friend,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48as your neighbour,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51but most importantly, as your...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54..friend.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59And you have had me in that kitchen, working me like a bastard, Beth,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03with scampi you could beat someone to death with
0:26:03 > 0:26:07and tinfoil and sinks and the heat and noises...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13And then Colin, out of the goodness of his heart,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16offers you a beautiful gift of a fish,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19and you throw it back in our face.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Is that what you're doing, Beth? Are you throwing fish in my face?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Now, you listen to me, Cathy...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28It's no wonder Ian's decided he's moving out.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Out you go. Go on.- Oh!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38- Fine.- Take it.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Mum!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42No, no, no, no, no. That is your present, Beth.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Take the salmon, Cathy.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- Colin, tell her. It's her fish. - It's your fish, Beth.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I don't want it. Take the salmon away.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52All right, give it to me!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54It never would have fitted in your silly little freezer anyway.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Ha! Right, would it not?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Give it!
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Ah!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Ooh!- Mum!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11INDISTINCT VOICES IN OTHER ROOM
0:27:14 > 0:27:16BETH GRUNTS
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- Eric, could you move...? Just move oot the way.- Mum...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22What's she playing at?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- Where's my big knife?- Beth... Beth!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Hold that.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33CRACKING
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Right!
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Everyone happy now?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Mrs Baird.- What?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47That door's not shut properly.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# He shall get a fishy in a little dishy
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# He shall get an eggy and a bit of ham
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# He shall get a fishy in a little dishy
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# He shall get an eggy and a bit of ham
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb. #